Sunday, March 25, 2007

BF 23: Project Twilight

Serial 7C/E – Project: Nightlight
Project: Nightlight
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Ultraviolet

Serial 7C/E – Project: Nightlight -

Arriving in London, the Doctor decides to head for a Chinese takeaway called the Slow Boat and orders some Peking Crispy Duck. This is not because it is particularly enjoyable, but contains so much bacteria that it gives the Time Lord immune system a kick up the arse and is recommended by anyone that survives the Slow Boat's Prawn Cocktail.

Evelyn however, discovers that the Nosferatu Nosh Kitchen opposite the Slow Boat is doing a new line of disemboweled pigeons and stray cats and dogs in refried black bean sauce.

The Doctor tuts at this Americanized fast food price war, and he and Evelyn wander off, bored. A moment later a tall, dark, sinister man in a blond wig and knickerbockers steps out of the restaurant and fires a harpoon into a passer-by's chest. The Doctor and Evelyn assume this is performance art and chuck the greviously injured man a coin and decide to try Nosferatu Nosh themselves.

The body self-combusts.

The Doctor applauds sarcastically and asks for the wine list. Evelyn gets bored and discovers a change machine and assumes it is some ludicrously clever poker game.

The waitress Amelia suspects that the Doctor is more than he seems, possibly a restaurant critic from Michelin, or perhaps a health inspector. At this point the Doctor throws a knife across the room and demands some hot chips and tomato sauce pronto or he'll make a scene.

The chef, Reggie, tries to cover the fact his culinary skills make orangutans blush and engages the Doctor in casual conversation. Did he happen to see that mysterious harpoon-throwing killer? Has he had that coat long? Would he like to check out a complimentary ride in the Inquisitorial Torture Lounge with some hot chocolate?

The Doctor yawns and makes his serviette into a swan shape, noting it has PROPERTY OF TOUCHWOOD printed on it in a bold, smug type face. Reggie and Amelia, still trying to distract the Doctor from the fact they only provide raw domestic pet corpses with salad, explain that this restaurant is part of a youth training scheme created by the Touchwood Institute as part of Tony Blair’s initiative drives. The staff are all homeless, destitute or ex-cons.

The Doctor yawns and asks for some complimentary bread.

Amelia believes on absolutely no evidence whatsoever that the restaurant is a cover for some kind of genetic experiments to create the ultimate super soldiers. In which case, they are clearly useless at it as Reggie can't even SPELL reconnaissance, let alone take on M15 style missions into enemy territory. In fact, they are both so dull and unobservant, they haven't noticed the other waitress, Cassie, stealing the cutlery and the contents of a cash register.

Evelyn heads for the bathroom and something that can't possibly be human ducks in first and locks the door. Moments later, there is the distinctive sound of something that can't possibly be human being skewered by something that can't possibly be anything but a harpoon.

The Doctor is now so bored he orders a pizza as Amelia and Reggie regale him with stories of the mysterious knickerbocker-clad harpoon-wielding maniac they know only as Numbskull. It appears Numbskull is an incredibly protective customer of the Slow Boat and is determined to have it survive the financial year by any and all means necessary.

A small boy called Hex wanders into the restaurant and asks Cassie if she's finished playing with vampires and can come to parent teacher night? Cassie smacks Hex and tells him to piss off, she's busy.

Evelyn meanwhile is trying to break the code that the old newspapers have been written in, coming to the logical conclusion she is just being stupid and reading them upside down.

The Doctor, waiting for the pizza, helps remove the corpse from the bathroom as Reggie and Amelia ponder on this action. Is it a warning? A threat? A coincidence there purely to provide a cliffhanger?

The Doctor shrugs and rings UNIT to demand to know where the hell his pizza has got to. They SAID 20 minutes, damn it! As he argues on the phone, he wanders into the kitchen and finds Matthew the cleaner mopping up a very large pool of blood.

"Missed a bit," the Doctor mutters.

The pizza delivery boy pulls up outside the restaurant when the harpoon-firing Numbskull fires a bolt that severs the bike's brake cable and sends it into the Thames. The dedicated delivery boy tries to hurl the pizza to safety, but he touches the water and combusts. Considering the types of pollution in British water, it's nothing spectacular to write home about.

The Doctor sobs miserably. That pizza would have been delicious!

Numbskull is disappointed to see the legendary Doctor helping these Reggie and Amelia have more blood on their hands than the Doctor can imagine – and they don't wash their hands before preparing meals!

The Doctor, furious at the destruction of his pizza, uses a taser to electrocute Numbskull's testicles before he can reveal the whole truth. It is then, the Doctor realizes that Reggie and Amelia have no reflections whatsoever. They're the undead! Creatures of the night! VWUM-PIHREZ!

"That explains the lack of garlic in the meals," the Doctor muses, before wandering off to get some McDonalds.

Furious at losing their customer, Reggie smashes up the restaurant and everything in it with a baseball bat. He's worked thirty hours to get where he is, and won’t stand for this disrespect.

At McDonalds, the Doctor waits impatiently to be served and decides to vent his frustrations by killing every vwum-pihrez on the planet. In fact, he's sung all thirty seven verses of the Ballad of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass before the staff notice him.

Desperate to keep Evelyn as a customer, Amelia explains that the Touchwood Institute was unable to cope with the crumbling British Empire of 1915. Most of its members became Goths and started listening to Cradle of Filth and experimenting with face paint. One of the scientists, William Abberton (or Vile Experimentor as he started to call himself) tried to take the Goth to extreme and turn the blackest, most poetry-spouting soulless fiends into vwum-pihrez.

Evelyn says, "That's nice dear," and starts mixing her medication.

Reggie decides that as cat, dog, pigeon, horse and fairy penguin burgers are not selling, they will have to step up to human flesh. Renaming the restaurant EAT THE RICH!, Reggie brains Cassie with a frying pan and shoves her into a mincer. A mincer he smashes with a baseball bat and thus is totally useless.

Reggie concedes the situation requires more thought.

The Doctor finishes his happy meal and heads back to the TARDIS when Numbskull returns and points out Evelyn is in the hands of vicious blood-sucking vwum-pihrez who will destroy humanity if the Doctor does not continue to patronize the Slow Boat.

The Doctor jabs Numbskull in the groin with the tazer again, and walks off, finishing his slurpie. He then realizes he left his keys with Evelyn and, faced with the realization that he must go back to face her, bursts into tears at the extent of his failure.

Back at EAT THE RICH, Cassie has unwisely shared needles and has now become a vampire. She is struck by the richness of sounds and colours, so when the Doctor arrives, Cassie has an epileptic fit and falls over, twitching for the rest of the story.

To take his mind of the despair of being with Evelyn, the Doctor breaks into the storeroom and finds... NOTHING AT ALL! Wait, did I give that needless build up? Oh well.

Reggie flies into a rage. For some reason. Maybe because the breakfast menu has a couple of spelling mistakes in them. So furious in fact, he starts punching himself with a harpoon. He soon explodes.

Numbskull enters and explains he is Immortal, chosen by the powers that be to walk the Earth, hunt down the unclean vwum-pihrez and also make the Slow Boat the most popular Chinese Takeaway on Earth!

Amelia shoots him through the neck with a harpoon.

The Doctor, bored, opens a storeroom full of dynamite and throws a lighted match in. This story is boring him shitless so he’s ditching it like a lepper's codpiece.

As the Time Lord strolls away from the restaurant, it explodes.

Tragically, both Numbskull and Evelyn and Cassie AND Amelia survive. Somehow.

The Doctor pushes Amelia into the Thames and she explodes, and offer Cassie a place on the TARDIS. A South London vampire chick works for him in ways Evelyn never will, but he refuses to change his outfit for anyone. When Cassie critiques his little kitty kat badge, the Doctor kicks her out into Norway, land of the rising sun.

However, it turns out the whole anti-sun thing is bull crap and Cassie, Numbskull and Amelia survive in incredibly pathetic and obvious sequel fodder.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Dines Alone
Fangs With Finesse: Gore, Gambling and Garlic Galore
The "background detail from spin-offs that is so more interesting than the real thing which is why you only find out about it online" section of

Fluffs – Colin Baker sounds rather like he's eaten a horse in the first episode.
"I guess that makes me a paste on the arse."
"A patron of the arts?"
"That too."

Goofs -
I don't want you to think I'm weird or anything, but trust me: that blood would have to be watered down to pour that easily. It's a bitch with the real stuff.
So I'm told.

Technobabble -
The Slow Boat works on "reversing the polarity of the MSG flow."

Links and References -
The Doctor considers dumping Evelyn with the Sexual Toymaker who is stuck making a living as a sideshow at Blackpool (The Care-Bare Nightmare Fair).
The Canary Wharf Tower boasts a huge banner saying TOUCHWOOD ROCKS!

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor first discovered the delights of the Slow Boat Chinese takeaway during a pub crawl that lead him to the war cabinet's secret tunnels under the Thames in the Second World War.
"That was one hell of a night," the Doctor muses.

Groovy DVD Extras -
Bram Stoker is beaten up by a bunch of genuine vampires for his negative media stereotype perpetuating offensive and outdated myths. Then they drink his blood and laugh diabolically.

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Helping those creatures goes against every fibre of my being! We were fool enough to unleash their evil into the universe! However, until my extra-large pepperoni pizza arrives, I don’t have anything better to do. So, morally, I win.

Numbskull: You wouldn't be interested in something long, wet, spicy and refreshing for your evening meal?
Doctor: I'll stick to my sweet-and-sour chicken balls.
Numbskull: You better, bitch! You better!
Doctor: Sorry, are you a male prostitute or not?
Numbskull: Uh... No.
(The Doctor jabs him in the goolies with a tazer.)
Doctor: Wrong answer.

Cassie: Call me crazy, but I shove small children up chimneys. Oh well, it keeps them out of mischief.

The Doctor's nervous breakdown in part three's cliffhanger -
"It's so unfair. I could have been travelling with the Brigadier, going on a rampage of the court of Kublai Khan. Or letting Tegan beat up Harry Houdini. And what am I doing? Waiting in line at McDonalds while Evelyn Smythe makes a nuisance of herself at a rundown pet cemetery-cum-takeaway restaurant. TO THINK! I AM REDUCED... TO *THIS*! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!"

Reggie: With a baseball bat, people pay attention!
(He smashes it straight into Numbskull’s crotch.)

Dialogue Triumphs -

Evelyn: I know enough to know that you murder, cheat and exploit the world for your own ends! Damn you, pokie machines! DAMN YOU!

Doctor: I feel I should warn you – the taser I hold in my right hand directly above your spinal column is fully charged and lethal!
Numbskull: Bit over-expositional, aren’t you old chap?
(The Doctor twists Numbskull around and electrocutes his happy sack.)

Doctor: (to the tune of "Yellow Submarine")
Judge Norton there
Glaring at him
Glaring at him
Glaring at him
Judge Norton there
Glaring at him
Glaring at him
Glaring at him
Evelyn: Are you in pain, Doctor?
Doctor: Yes. Every moment your hear beats I die a little more.
Evelyn: Aw, Johnny, you say the sweetest thing. Who are you again?

Doctor: I expected something like the Spanish Inquisition.
(A dramatic chord and three red Cardinals run through the door.)
Doctor: No, I said I DID expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Cardinal: Damn.
(They leave miserably.)

Numbskull: Fishing you out of the river in front of the Tower of London is getting to be a habit of mine.
Doctor: Deal with it.
(He tasers Numbskull in the family jewels. Numbskull falls into the Thames. The Doctor switches on the taser and jabs it into the water. Numbskull screams again.)

Doctor: 'Private. Do not enter.' Oh dear, perhaps I should tell them that's ancient Gallifreyan for 'Doctor come on in, have a snoop around, my casa is your casa, have anything you want from the fridge, you want money, I give you money, you’re a freaking God, dude.'
Amelia: Really?
Doctor: Yeah, but ancient Gallifreyan is one fucked up language.

Numbskull: Ah-hah! My new posing pouch of bonded polycarbide armor will protect me against any and all hazards.
(Evelyn jabs him in the balls with a tazer.)
Numbskull: [sobs] Back to the drawing board.

Doctor: If I were being melodramatic, I would call it a 'blood-soaked dawn for the human race', otherwise it's just a syringe. Nah, stuff it, it IS a blood-soaked dawn for the human race.

Numbskull: That's another fine mess I've got my testicles into!
(Cassie jabs his genitals with the taser.)

Cassie, on the Doctor's outfit:
"Where has all the finesse gone in the universe? I'M GOING TO BE SICK!"

Doctor: Who are you?
Numbskull: The future!
(The Doctor zaps him in the bollocks.)
Numbskull: [in a squeaky voice] Oooh. Why do people keep doing this?
Doctor: No idea.
(He zaps him again.)

Viewer Quotes -

"More fucking vampires..." – Christopher Lee (2007)

" I love the Doctor Who formula, a ship that can take you to any time, any place, it has the ability to tell a endless number of stories in countless locations. But I especially love it when the formula SURPRISES me by touching on a subject or location that the viewer/listener hasn't seen before. As you can imagine, therefore, this story sucked with the power of a miniature black hole. On paper it sounds embarrassing, a clown and an old woman take on vampires at a South London restaurant. Why? CAUSE IT *IS* EMBARRASSING! IT'S TOTAL RUBBISH! You know why Angel is set in Los Angeles and not Sarf Landun? The answer is hidden in the question. Why are there so many characters named Numbskull in Doctor Who? Is "Numbskull" the new Tarrant?" - Nigel Verkoff (2000)

"You really feel this could happen – which is a nice contrast to a lot of Doctor Who. It is also more horrifically real than any of the audio adventures thus far. It is extremely gory in places, just to warn the faint-hearted, but always in keeping with the nature of the story. But then the restaurant business is the DEFINITION of cutthroat. Offaly Good. Did I mention I'm an intellectual?" - Adrian Mole (2001)

"God damn it, it is pronounced 'VAM-PIRE!'" – Dorian Grey (1930)

"After all the fan stuff I've done with Timebase Productions, Big Finish are employing me to play the Doctor! FOR REAL! I FRICKEN ROCK!"
- Rupert Booth (before discover the Doctor he would be playing was a Nazi Goth scientist who died in the first scene with no dialogue)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"The evil you teach, I will execute – and better the instruction. Or, to put it another way: Hey, kid, you wanna find out if there's an afterlife?"

Colin Baker Speaks!
"In the context of Doctor Who, Project: Nightlight no more or less horrific than many of the other monster stories. It's just that the horror genre in Britain is traditionally Dracula or Frankenstein, or permutations thereof, with the odd John Inman thrown in – all of which have appeared in Doctor Who. I mean, was Atari of the Cybermen a horror genre story? I would argue not. In fact, I would argue it wasn't a story at all, but some drug-induced collective nightmare. It's just that vwam-pihres pre-ecist in another literary culture. Where they don't run raw meat takeaways.

However, I did do an unreleased horror film called The Asexual about two years ago, a psychological horror film with knives and lunatics and complimentary fortune cookies... I was overwhelmed with joy at being hacked to pieces. I've always, ALWAYS wanted to play that, but the wife never really understands and thinks it's a bit kinky."

Maggie Stables Speaks!
"It's certainly my first-ever vampire story. At least the first I can remember. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. When I read it I was a bit taken aback because I thought it was a pamphlet about the dangers of power lines. And for a pamphlet about the dangers of power lines, it was very violent."

Rumors & Facts -
Are Big Finish on to a winner with their Sixth Doctor audios? The answer is "Leave me alone you freak, I don't do questionnaires!"

The Doctor and Evelyn are becoming one of the most famous Doctor/Companion teams in the history of Doctor Who. They have a rapport rarely seen between the Time Lord and his helper – genuine absence of any interest, affection or even hatred for one another, which makes a change I suppose. If you give a shit about the Colin Baker era on TV and let's be honest, who cares?

The Sixth Doctor has developed far beyond his TV portrayal. He has definitely softened, there is less brashness and irascibility, or caring. Or heroics. Or even interest in anything beyond fast food. Still, when the alternative is some boring take on the vampire myth with trendy gangster wars over Thames restaurants, who can blame him?

Cavan Scott and Mark Wright met in 1999 after acting as hired goons for Doctor Who Magazine. Too lazy to write separately, they teamed together and got drunk, ate curries and talked vaguely about writing some novel for BBC book entitled "Individually Rubbish At Getting Things Finished" starring the Eighth Doctor, Fitz and an iguana.

However, electroshock therapy helped them overcome this lethargy and soon they had written an entirely new BBC book called The Fandom of Darkness, which was disturbingly similar to Steve Lyon's The Fans of Vulcan, so they pitched ideas about vampire stories to Gay Russell.

So many people had come up with so many different plots for vampires over the years, but no one had come up with a plot of vampires running competing takeaway shops while the Doctor and Evelyn steadfastly refused to join this plot. No one had tried that before, and perhaps for good reason.

The original idea was for fast food retailers in Los Vegas to be run by the undead fiends, but Gay Russell preferred to set it on the banks of the Thames, with the Seventh Doctor sending Ace to get a job at a Soho casino for no adequately-explored reason while he supplied all the vampires with garlic sandwiches which both wrecked their social standing with bad breath but also caused them to implode in gore.

Gay Russell then decided on the toss of a coin to make the story one for the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn Smythe, suggesting a story would have a massive psychological impact on his hithertoo ignored soft, avuncular and above all ravenous nature.

Luckily, the duo already had an Ultraviolet fan fic on hand which – after replacing the characters of Susannah Harker and Jack Davenport with the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn respectively – turned out just what was required.

The story, Butt Monkey, featured numerous battery farms of humans whose blood would be used as protection money for the British government, a vampire cat that drank blood from a saucer, and a Japanese exchange student called Kim who was forced to become a stripper to make ends meet in Britain. The cast and crew were extremely enthusiastic on that last point.

Almost as unenthusiastic was the discovery that Numbskull would be revealed to be Trashkan, a rogue Time Lord villain from Nicholas Briggs' Oddly Visual series. The drug-addicted Trashkan was a cheap Bastard substitute that mainly foiled the Nick Briggs Doctor by spiking the punch and then calling the narcotics squad in.

Scott and Wright had thought using the character would guarantee them a job at Big Finish – little realizing the disgust and contempt the company held for Briggs and his ideas in general. Indeed, upon suggesting Trashkan as a time-travelling vampire slayer, Russell had them thrown out of the building.

Finally they talked their way back into work by redrafting Project: Twiglet as the same story but Numbskull as an incompetent fool that regularly had his groin electrified. They also added exploding bodies, a lake of gore that hunted down its victims, and at the last minute wrote into the plot an explanation for Jim Mortimore accidentally crashing his car through the wall of the recording studio.

So impressed by the stomach-turning ideas, Russell send the outline to Mary Whitehouse in the hope it would cause the bitch to spontaneously combust like most of the main cast.

Cavan Scott & Mark Wright decided their story would ideally be the grittiest Doctor Who story in any medium. Gritty? GRITTY? This is fluffy-cheeked romping compared to Mick Lewis, Eric Saward or even, god help us, Chris Chin-balls!!

A major criticism was that publicity revealed Project: Nightlight featured vampires a full six months before the story was released, so every single listener knew exactly what the mysterious blood sucking monsters were, but the Doctor himself appeared totally clueless.

The authors defended this as a) fandom being a fickle bunch of wank stains that would have ignored it if Dustbins, Cybermen or the Bastard were involved and b) the Doctor finds out about the vampires rapidly quickly. He just doesn't give a monkeys. A bit like the authors when it comes to barely-sentient fan opinion.

The open-ended conclusion was not, as fans often claimed, a deliberate attempt to set up future stories involving vampires, suspicious anti-UNIT organizations or dodgy restaurant plots. It was just the authors being too damn lazy to come up with a proper conclusion.

Probably what is most notable is the fact that Project: Nightlight was the first and last Big Finish story where the unresolved ending caused a reaction of "Cool! A sequel and ongoing plot!" rather than "You gotta be kidding me – I need to buy another one to finish the damn story, it was crap to start with!"

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Missing Doctor Who Adventure!!!

Yes, stolen from bitcomet today, it's an adventure you can be sure won't be mentioned in the Official Series Guide.... but absolutely REAL!

"Doctor Who In A Repititious Adventure With A Bovvered Teen".

(A classroom. There are a handful of bored, middle-aged figures dressed as school children sitting at desks. Two particularly vile girls sit at the back of the class.)

Girl: I can't believe we've got double English.

Lauren: English is well dry.

Girl: I don't see what's so great about reading, anyways!

Lauren: Nah. Reading's for LOSERS!

Girl: Innit, though? (cheers up) At least we got a new teacher today.

Lauren: Yeah, right! That'll be a laugh, wonnit?

(The classroom door opens and a tall, scrawny man in a brown suit enters and drops an old fashioned bag on the desk at the front of the class. He looks kinda familiar and picks in a rough Scottish accent.)

Teacher: Morning.

(The entire class look at him with an amused expression.)

Class: Arright.

Teacher: As I'm sure you're aware, my name is Mr. Logan, I'm your new English teacher, nice to meet you all.

(Lauren leans forwards and starts licking her lips in a strange way.)

Teacher: Hope you're all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. (holds up book) Let's all turn to page 53 in our poetry text books...

(The girls up the back exchange dark looks.)

Teacher: (affectionately) I think we'll dive straight into the Bard himself.

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: Yup?

Lauren: Are you English, sir?

Teacher: No, I'm Scottish.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then.

Teacher: No. I'm British.

Lauren: So you ain't English, then.

Teacher: No. But as you can see, I do speak English.

Lauren: But I can't understand what you're saying, sir.

Teacher: (smiles) Well, clearly you can.

Lauren: (shrugs) Sorry, are you talking Scottish now?

Teacher: No, I'm talking English.

Lauren: Right. (shakes head) Don't sound like it.

(The teacher sighs and moves to the front of his desk.)

Teacher: OK, whatever you want. Now, let's get on with Shakespeare!

Lauren: (awkward) I don't think you're qualified to teach us English.

Teacher: I am perfectly qualified to teach you English.

Lauren: I don't think you are, though.

Teacher: You don't have to BE English to TEACH it.

Lauren: (nods) Right. Have we got "Double English" or "Double Scottish"?

(The teacher starts to reply, then frowns, thinking.)

Teacher: Is your name Lauren Cooper by any chance?

Lauren: (coldly) Yeah.

Teacher: Hmm.

Lauren: Why?!

Teacher: Your reputation precedes you.

Lauren: (pleased) Innit, though!

Teacher: So! Shakespeare's sonnets!

Lauren: Sir?

(The teacher ignores her.)

Teacher: A sonnet is a poem...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...written in fourteen lines...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...the last two of which...

Lauren: Sir?

Teacher: ...must form a rhyming couplet...

Lauren: (puts hand up) Sir?

Teacher: YES, Lauren?

Lauren: Can I aks you a question?

Teacher: Not just now.

Lauren: Can I just aks you a question now?

Teacher: Just wait.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question? I only want to aks you a question! Can't I just aks you a question? I'm just aksing you a question. (as if to a moron) I just wanna AKS you a question!

Teacher: What is it?

Lauren: Are you the Doctor?

Teacher: (thinks) Doctor who?

(The two girls at the back cheer, clap their hands and point to him in unison)

Girls: RESULT!

Teacher: (confused) I dunno what you're talking about.

Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though!

Teacher: I'm not Doctor Who, I'm your English teacher!

Lauren: (laughing) I don't think you are, though.

Teacher: Lauren --

Lauren: I think you're a 945 year old Time Lord!

Teacher: Listen --

Lauren: Did you just "pitch up from Mars"?

Teacher: Don't be ridiculous...

Lauren: You know your house, right?

Teacher: (lost) What?!

Lauren: You know your house?

Teacher: Yeah?

Lauren: Is it bigger on the inside?

Teacher: Be quiet.

Lauren: Have you parked the TARDIS on a meter?

Teacher: (to class) Can we please get back to Shakespeare?

(The girls fold their arms and fall to sullen silence.)

Teacher: Thank you! (turns to book) So ---

Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?


Lauren: Thank you.

Teacher: You're pointless! Repititious! And EXTREMELY dull!

Lauren: A bit like Shakespeare?


(Silence. Lauren sucks her teeth. She holds her hands up placatingly.)

Lauren: Am-ist I bovver-ed?

Teacher: What?

Lauren: Am-ist I bovver-ed, forsooth?

Teacher: Lauren...

Lauren: Looketh at my face.

Teacher: I don't --

Lauren: Looketh at my face!

Teacher: Stop it.

Lauren: Is this a bovver-ed face thou sees before thee?

Teacher: Right. I'm calling your parents.


Teacher: Lauren -


Teacher: Enough.


Teacher: Lauren --

Lauren: He aint even a goodly, rotten apple!

Teacher: Listen to me!

Lauren: But he aint even a goodly, rotten apple though!

Teacher: That's enough.

Lauren: (points to herself) Face-eth!

Teacher: Lauren!

Lauren: Bovver-ed? Looketh!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: Looketh!

Teacher: That's enough!

Lauren: My liege!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: My liege!

Teacher: Enough!

My liege!

Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: My liege! Bovver-ed? Faceth?

Teacher: That's...

Lauren: (scottish accent) You take the high road and I'll take the low road! (normal) I AIN'T BOVVERED! I AIN'T BOVVERED! Look! Face? Bovvered? Bovver-ed, face, bovver-ed, I aint even bovver-ed! My liege, I be not bovver-ed. Forsooth, I be not bovver-ed. Face! Bovver-ed! I aint bovver-ed! Face! Bovver-ed! Shakespeare, sonnets! I aint even bovvered! (annoyed) My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun! Coral is far more red than her lips red! If snow be white, why then her breasts are done! If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head! I have seen roses dammus, red and white, but no such roses see I in her cheeks! And in some perfume is there more delight that in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak yet weell I know that music have a far more pleasing sound! I grant, I never saw a goddess go! My mistress when she walks treads on the ground and yet by heaven I think my love is rare as any she belies with false compare! (smacks table) BITE ME, ALIEN BOYAH!

(She leans back in her chair and her friend nods. The teacher is speechless. Lauren shrugs. The teacher shakes his head, reaches into his jacket pocket and, with a sudden fury takes out a silver rod and aims it at Lauren. The tip glows electric blue and there is a loud buzzing. Lauren gapes as she dissolves in a rippling oscillation. Her friend stares as the oscillation clears to show Lauren has vanished and a New Earth Rose Tyler action figure stands on her desk. The teacher deactivates the silver rod and pockets it.)

Teacher: That's better.

(He leans against the desk and picks up his book.)

Teacher: (amused) A Rose by another name would smell sweet.

(A tiny voice squeaks from the toy.)

Toy: I still aint bovvered!

(Her friend looks between the toy and the teacher and squirms...)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Lies of DWM

In setting up some stuff for my major fan fic project, I have been known to peruse the Doctor Who Magazine previews of the time, mainly because 9 times out of 10, they give a subtly different view to proceedings. If the previews contained word perfect material, Turlough's sabotage in Terminus would have been the big twist revelation, the time wars of Karfel would be legendary, and Revelation of the Daleks would begin with the Doctor deciding Necros is the perfect holiday destination. The first two episodes of Castrovalva would be the entire plot, the Seventh Doctor's death was caused when Dalek pursuit ships shot down the TARDIS over the skies of San Fransisco, and Sword of Orion would have the Doctor let a mechanic fix his time machine.

Nowadays, of course, the average thread on OG contains more information about a new series episode than the full preview in the magazine, which is vetted so thoroughly the facts are left bland and boring. Yeah, there's a bride in the console room, a church, a wedding, and the Santas are back and the villain is called Empress of Rachnoss. Nope, no other idea what happens except there's some fake money printed for a five second sight gag when an ATM explodes.

Back in the 1980s, however, DWM had a far bigger role in production. The previews often consisted of a rough outline of the first episode, a cast list and a rounded-up comment on how unsuitable for children it would be. However, should, say, the plot be so basic that a rough outline would spoil everything or perhaps there was little enough info to go around, there would be what Borusa would term "adjustments of truth." Maybe they justified it as anti-spoiler, with a bunch of Who readers gobsmacked when Omega wasn't the black clad figure running the death zone, or the Watcher manifestly did not appear on Androzani, or that The Twin Dilemma was the One That Would Be Cooler Than The One With The Giant Maggots. Maybe they were sick of doing articles on the Second Doctor's companions, or retelling the events of The Pirate Planet yet again, and were desperate to do something else. Maybe it was just the fact some issues came out on April 1...

But either ways, they came up with crap like this:


When the Doctor landed in Convent Garden in 1971 AD he mentioned to Jamie and Victoria:
Now, between you and me, starting a preview of The King's Demons by reminding us of a line from The Web of Fear seems a bit extreme. And look! A violent thrust of UNIT dating in one sentence...

"Funny, isn't it. How we keep landing on your planet."
And they misquote it as well. He says "your Earth". Petty, but worse is to come...

Over the subsequent years we learnt, as even the Time Lords remarked, that the Doctor had a particular fondness for the planet Earth.
No, that was the Cybermen.

One wonders these days, though, if this holds true. For the Doctor's apparent enthusiasm for our planet has recently been overtaken by other junctures.
Odd. As in this season the TARDIS has gone to Gallifrey, Earth, Manussa, Earth, Terminus, deep space and Earth. And only the trips to Earth were of the Doctor's free will.

Perhaps it is that the beloved TARDIS, that has a mind of her own, that is responsible for yet another trip to Earth. Maybe. Or then again, as the Ship materializes in 13th Century England does the Doctor have plans to visit his old friend, Edward of Wessex.
I mean... what? Apart from anything else, a magazine that needs a photo to establish who Ben and Polly are is not aiming at readers who are so in love with The Time Warrior they'd instantly get that reference. Apart from anything else, Sir Edward was so clapped out and more to the point, his wife a big name in Eastenders, a reunion was as likely as that last sentence reading, "his old friend, Benjamin of Chatham". Or maybe Sir Justin from the comic strip all the readers would know? No? Please yourself.

Sadly, any hint of mystery about the TARDIS landing is ruined in the exchange: "Did you set the coordinates for here?" "Nope." And all the Time Warrior fans start to weep. Course, some people think the Master was to blame, but que sera sera.

Who knows!
I do.

One thing that becomes apparent very early on is, as per usual, events do not proceed as planned.
That's a rather odd sentence. The stunning relevation... of things being normal.

The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough find themselves at a colourful pageant where, guess who, gets embroiled in the inimical world of jousting.
Well, this is technically the truth. Except the pageant is a duel and if "embroiled" means "conscienciously objects to", then yes. Got to admit, the Fifth Doctor on horseback is a cool image, and one that the makers of Destiny of the Doctors caught up on. This is why previews are interesting. They're often cooler than the finished product.

The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough manage to get a chance to see the infamous King John only to find that does not seem quite himself.
"Manage"? They land in front of him and he gives them seats straight away. The line suggests that they have to get past bouncers or make appointments.

A seemingly friendly Sir Giles does appear to have a strange hold over his liege.
Even looking past the ginger wig and accent, does Sir Giles appear "friendly"? At all? He spends his time picking fights, torturing people and doesn't get three lines to say to the King. Let alone use "a strange hold".

But then, have politicians changed that much over the years.
Dunno. Want a question mark? They seem to be in short supply.

Being her world Tegan is the only one to sense that the whole scenario has a wrong feel to it.
Rather like that sentence. What?

And also, Tegan is the only one to think "Who cares?" about whether or not King John is possessed. Everyone else twigged it out in the first scene.

With nothing tangible to substaniate her feelings, she keeps her thoughts to herself.
...this is Tegan. Tee-gun.

And apart from the King behaving totally out of character and being in two places at once, boasting an anachronistic iron maiden, a French knight no one knows, welcoming demons from beyond... nope. Nothing definite or tangible there.

Eventually, adding fuel to the rapidly building fire, the Doctor meets a very confused Sir Geoggrey de Lacey.
Very confused. He can't even spell his own name.

He had just travelled directly down from London and an audience with King John!
This also suggests the Doctor meets the knight (rather than him being captured by Sir Giles) after he learns about the King's nifty double life, and not shouting this information in a court.

Deep within the Doctor's mind a memory stirs. Thirteen century. "This is the time of Magna Carta, isn't it?"
Another quote that at no point appears in the story. From anyone.

He searches the inner recesses of his memory for the illusive information.
So ellusive, it changed its own spelling!

"A long time ago, didn't someone mention to me about jet liners is 1320 AD? And there was Shakespeare's Hamlet on television?"
...yes. The official Doctor Who magazine announces that the Time Meddling Monk (due to appear in the comic strip in three issues) will be in The King's Demons. What bullshit. Not only is it bullshit, the "speech" is rubbish. Not only is misquoting the Monk's words, 1320 would be in the 14th century, not the 13th! The Monk gave no dates! And why would this speech having anything to do with imposter kings and demons?!

Just a muddled memory is there a grain of truth trying to breath through.
No, it's a desperate previewer taking the piss.

A truth with devious implications!
That someone isn't taking this seriously...

The King's Demons, serial coded 6J, is penned by the now Doctor Who regular, Terence Dudley. Terence was also responsible for Four to Doomsday, Black Orchid and A Girl's Best Friend.
"Responsible"? Not a fan, then. And I bet a lot of confused readers checked their program guides for that baffling third title, before giving it up as some sitcom starring Rula Lenska. It's usually called K9 and Company, just between you and me.

Directing The King's Demons, a two partera and the last of the twentieth season, is Tony Virgo.
Yeah. They need a proof reader. They really do. This is the same issue that nostalgically embraces the good times of Pyramids of War and claims that Anthony Ainley played the Emperor Dalek, K9 and a technician in Evil of the Daleks, State of Decay and Logopolis respectively. Also, Gallifrey Guardian is clearly desperate for news as it reports:

"Kept on Ice. A batch of Laurel and Hardy films, never shown in public, have been found stored under an ice rink in the Yukon."
This leads to a miserable segue about finding missing episodes and an appeal so pathetic even Ian Levine sniggered. What's depressing is that they admit to snatching the reports from "a national newspaper". How the pathetic have risen over the last thirty years, when the national newspapers are stealing threads from Outpost Gallifrey to keep the presses hot.


The fucking Time Meddler... I just don't believe it... mainly because it would have improved the story no end.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The History of The Cybermen


Sooner or later every Doctor Who fan must come with a complicated history of the Daleks and Cybermen.

The time is now!

TV Doctor Who
Big Finish
DWM Comic strips
Trenchcoat! Just to really screw with things...

The Steel Nursery (Trenchcoat Ninth Aspect, Jon Thaw Doctor)
The twin planets are Nedia and Mondas. On Nedia, a reptilian life form worshiping Sil'Ru'Then dominate the planet and uses the neighboring planet Mondas as a prison planet - even though a native ape form of life is already living there. At first the prisoners are hardened criminals, but soon are unjustly exiled. The Mondasians form an alliance with Mars in order to return to Nedia by force. However, a disaster strikes Mars and Mondas (my money's on the Fendahl). The Ice Warriors cannot help. The Mondasian invasion is a failure and they lose all sympathy with the Nedians.

As Mondas starts to die off, the "Silurians" decide to create Cybernetic Mobile Assault Nodes - silver soldiers using machinery, Silurian flesh and mammal tech. However, the test subject, the CYBERMAN, goes a little bit loopy and tries to conquer Mondas - just as it undergoes its second attempt to conquer Nedia. Unfortunately, some passing Time Lord has mucked about with events, and the "invasion force" transports the Neanderthal natives of Mondas to Nedia. Or Earth as they will call it.

The invasion is repelled, and the remaining Mondasians vow to survive at whatever cost. TheDoctor has destroyed the Cyberman, but the technology to create more now exists. Worse, the Mondasians are bound to go for conversion as a solution sooner or later.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: high voltage cable to the chest.

The Cybermen (DWM)
Hoo boy.

They DO go for conversion, upgrading the remaining apes into Cybermen. These Cybermen conquer the largest city on Mondas and head off to "civilize" the rest of Mondas. They discover the ancient Cyber conversion factories in the Blisterlands, but no sooner have they converted the locals and built a city they are attacked by a "Silurian" genetic experiment. They eventually defeat it, but there is another experiment out there called Golgoth - a giant purple dragon, created from a malfunctioning race bank, incredibly powerful and two tortillas short of a picnic.

Golgoth contaminates a Cyber exploration craft with shape-shifters, but the Cybermen defeat them and head to the Dark Continent where Golgoth lives. However, the Mondasian Sea Devils created a sentient sea to keep Golgoth trapped. The Cybermen beat up the Sea Devils, break the barrier and attack Golgoth. Who wipes them out without breaking sweat. Golgoth then attempts to take on the entire Cyber army... and there is Mutually Assured Destruction which takes out the Cyber race. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

Two hundred years later, humanity now rules Mondas, unfortunately it is about to leave orbit. Doomsday cults spring up across the world, and the Cult of Civa - some Cyber groupies that live in the wreck of the Cyber city, believe Golgoth's mythical son (created out of dead Cybermen) will save them!

He doesn't.

As Mondas hurtles out into space, all human life on the surface is wiped out. Bar one smooth-chested archaeologist who fell into the conversion equipment. The Cybermen start again.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: being eaten by Triceratops, being ripped apart by shape shifters, liquefied by the cruel sea, lightning bolts, turned into flowers by Golgoth's power.

Spare Parts (BF, Fifth Doctor)

Mondas has drifted to the edge of the galaxy and is about to plunge into the Cherrybowl nebula. The last surviving underground city has evolved into 1950s London, but to keep the humans alive they are reverse engineering Cybernetic implants. Full Cybermen are being sent to build a propulsion unit on the surface, and need emotions removed to stop them going crazy at the sight of the sky. The city is ruled by the Committee, a gestalt mind of dead human brains kept alive by cybernetics.

When the Doctor and Nyssa arrive, they are torn between trying to change the future or letting innocents die. The nebula breaches the city and causes a lethal snow storm. To survive, the Mondasians must become total Cybermen! The Doctor manages to get the propulsion system working again, and destroys the Committee (which has conveniently evolved into a Cyber Planner). The humans and the Cybermen agree to live in peace, taking a genetic rather than mechanical look at the future. However, Cyberleader Zheng does not believe in this, and restores history to its proper path the moment the TARDIS leaves.

Mondas becomes a Cyber planet once and for all.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: (not gold, that's for sure) their own weapons, incorrect conversion programming, booze (yes, honestly), electrocution.

The Cybermen discover space travel and colonize the passing planet Polaris IV.

The Good Soldier (DWM, Seventh Doctor)
1950s. The Cybermen send out an exploration craft full of their most updated and advanced versions to buzz Earth and see what life is like on the long lost twin. When an American army unit set up camp in the Nevada desert, the craft abducts that bit of desert. Unfortunately, the Doctor and Ace are there as well. The Cybermen slaughter the unit, keeping their general to fuse his brain with the computer to give them a human element to their plan to conquer Earth. Unfortunately, the Doctor and Ace are there as well. Ace links to the computer and tricks the exploration craft to explode, taking out the warship and all the information on humanity. They also restore the desert too.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: a big cannon.

The Invasion (TV, Second Doctor)
The Cybermen send out their latest front line troopers to conquer Earth. They encounter some communications from Tobias Vaughan and agree to help him conquer the Earth using some microchips, hypnosis, and the ATM of the Cybermen to support his company, International Electromatix. After five years... call it 1970... Vaughan discovers the Doctor and Jamie and decides to bring forwards the invasion plan. He's also an Anti-Cybermen machinery built, plus he has eyes on the TARDIS as a way out.

The invasion goes ahead, but UNIT survive the hypnosis and blow up the approaching fleet. The Cybermen prepare a megatron bomb, but that blows up as well. The Cybermen on Earth are blasted to bits, though some survive in the sewers. But by 1975, they're blown to pieces and a severed head is brought to the attention of Henry Van Statten, who puts it in his museum.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: electrical emotions, bazookas.

The Reaping (BF, Sixth Doctor)
Following the Time War, the last Cyberman in existance, having gone ever so slightly loopy, steals a broken TARDIS and travels back to Peri's home town and fakes a conspiracy using earpods, nanobots and good old fashioned brutality in order to trap the Doctor and use him to rewrite history so the Neanderthals are converted into Cybermen. The Doctor uses his usual blend of sarcasm and drammatic irony, and the last Cyberman in existance is abandoned on Mondas in 1984, where Cyberleader Zheng has the dying Cyberman recycled before it can warn them what is happening. However, some of its technology is left behind on Earth.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: they shut down if their boss doesn't give them new instructions.

The Tenth Planet (TV, First Doctor)
The planet Mondas finally returns to Earth and begins to leech its energy away. 250 spaceships flee the planet and storm Earth, nearly managing to conquer it. However, Mondas absorbs far too much energy and despite the efforts of the Cybermen to use the handy Z bombs, it is destroyed. The Cybermen on Earth wither and die and Earth survives the attack, managing to salvage a little of Cyber technology before it melts as well. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The Cyber fleet heads for Planet 14 - the fourteenth planet of the solar system, called Telos - and make a base there. Assuming one doesn't already exist there. Either way, the native Cryons are almost slaughtered and have to flee on comets and other frozen debris. The Cybermen mass-upgrade, losing their human qualities like names, hands, singsong voices and sellotape. Other Cyber refugees flee to Earth itself.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: their own weapons, bright lights, radiation, posion gas, losing energy from Mondas.

Silver Nemesis (TV, Seventh Doctor)
The Cybermen have been keeping an eye on Earth in recent centuries and have discovered one wierd fight between the Doctor and Lady Peinforte over a Gallifreyan WMD called the statue of Nemesis. The Cyber squad arrive on Earth in 1988 and set up a trap to capture the statue. The Seventh Doctor, however, despite having totally forgotten about all of this, simply uses the WMD to wipe out the remaining Cyber fleet in space while Ace slaughters the Cybermen with a slingshot and some gold. After all the trouble the Cybermen went to to upgrade themselves to handle Validium, getting all silver and shiny, it's a disgrace. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: gold in the chest unit, retro rockets.

The Locust Method (Trenchcoat, Edward Peel Smith Doctor)
By 1997, the Cyber refugees on Earth have come up with a new plan. Infiltrating a polar research base they construct a gigantic hive to create a completely new race of Cybermen with a collective intelligence and the ability to adapt and grow. The Cybermen activate the new race and die out. The new Converts (or Borg as any self-respecting sci fi fan will know) tackle UNIT, the Doctor and Fayette, but still require hibernation time to recover from conversion. The Doctor thus blows up their entire base, and the new Cybermen are gone forever. We hope. But any return will require us to link DW and ST universes together, and that's just stupid.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: hard to say, as they die on their own. So much for surviving.

Dead Ringers/Death by D'Syne/Black Files/Land of the Free (Trenchcoat Ninth Aspect, Jon Thaw Doctor)
The Master offers the Cybermen on Telos a free ride to Earth, planning to use them as canon fodder to allow him to alter the history of Earth and ultimately change human development. These Cybermen (Invasion style) arrive on Earth and set up a funeral home. There, they use brain implants on both living and dead to infiltrate society - New Cybermen. However, the Doctor is on hand with UNIT to blow the bastards up. The New Cybermen survivors are soon falling foul of the Master's conspiracy as he deals with loose ends - including a wierdo clothes designer that created Cyber costumes from Nestene material. That was a wierd case. With the history of America changed irrevocably, and, maybe, changed back, this might not be relevent...

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: electrical interference shorts out their brains. And bazookas.

Human Resources (BF/BBC, Eighth Doctor)
Some Cybermen are minding their own business establishing a colony world when an unscrupulous alien sends some hypnotized office workers to wage war on them. Depressingly, the office workers kick the Cybermens' collective asses, which are then served to them when the Doctor turns up and sorts out the whole mess AND some corporate sabotage by the Time Lords.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: electrical interference shorts out their brains.

The Flood (DWM, Eighth Doctor)
In the far, far, far future, the Cybermen realize humanity has evolved to the point they cannot be converted. Creating their own TARDIS using a fragment of the time vortex, the Cybermen return to Earth in 2004 and then develops an emotion-amplifying water that drives humans insane. The plan is they will cause a flood on Earth that will leave the emotionally-exhausted humans desperate to accept conversion. The Cyber fleet begins is biggest invasion yet, and the Eighth Doctor offers a deal: in return for sparing humanity, he will sacrifice himself and allow them to study his regeneration. Thus, they can get a method to 'regenerate' aliens into Mondasians and then convert them. The Cybermen do not intend to spare Earth. The Doctor jumps into the fragment of the time vortex, and triggers a temporal meltdown - wiping out the Cybermen, their TARDIS, and the staff of MI5, who were being converted at the time. The explosion gives Earth a new sun for a few days. And the Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: Destrii, temporal meltdown (which is fair enough).

The Gathering (BF, Fifth Doctor)
In 2007, Peri's old collegue pals are experimenting with Cyber technology in Brisbane of all places. The Fifth Doctor drops by, is thoroughly confused, and watches in horror as a nice lady has her brain removes and becomes System (or Sis for short), a kind of medical version of the internet. A version that will be used by mankind in the future. He also bumps into Tegan.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: N/A.

Rise of the Cybermen (TV, Tenth Doctor)
In a parallel dimension, John Lumic creates a very different species of Cybemen - robots with human brains. Unfortunately, the Age of Steel ends in one night when some stupid ape cracks his passwords. The Cyber race in this dimension are defeated in three years, and decide to infiltrate a Torchwood base and escape into another dimension - three years into the past.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: the time vortex, sonic screwdrivers, EMP waves, having their emotional inhibitors shut down.

Army of Ghosts (TV, Tenth Doctor)
In 2007, the 'ghosts' of the Cybermen spend their time positioning their five billion strong army on Earth so when they fully materialize they can conquer the planet. Unfortunately, the reason they escaped into this dimension was because of the Cult of Skaro in their voidship. The Cult of Skaro decide the Cybermen are pathetic and begin to slaughter the lot of them. The Doctor opens the breach in dimensions and everything that passed through the breach is sucked in - the Dalek army and the five billion Cybermen are sucked into hell forever. However, some of their conversion material was built in this dimension and thus stays there, along with a couple of unlucky half-converted humans. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: bazookas, anti-Cyber guns, Daleks, void stuff.

At the end of that year, Ianto Jones' girlfriend Lisa (one of those unlucky humans) gets some help to cope as a Cyberwoman. However, the Cyber personality becomes dominant and she tries to restart the Cyber race in the Torchwood hub. She is then brutally beaten up by a pterodactyl. Then transfers her brain into the body of a passing pizza girl. Who Torchwood then pump full of lead.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: pterodactyls.

The Harvest (BF, Seventh Doctor)
2012, and a scout ship of Cybermen crash on Earth. The Cybermen have a cunning plan: they pretend they wish to be reversed into flesh and bone, and in return will allow the EuroCombine the secrets of Cyber conversion so they can create the ultimate astronauts (no need for air, gravity or good). This C-Program occurs in a hospital run by Sis. Unfortunately, the Doctor and Ace are there as well - this time with Hex Scofield. The Cybermen have turned the hospital into a conversion factory and the experimental Cyber astronauts turn against their human masters. The Doctor manages to defeat the experiments and the "humanized" Cybermen drop dead of organ failure and tissue rejection. Karma's a bitch.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: decapitation, electrical interference shorts out their brains.

The Wheel in Space (TV, Second Doctor)
Not long after, the Cybermen engage in their wackiest plan ever... they destroy whole star systems so some puny space station will allow two of their soldiers to enter. The Doctor defeats them by locking the door and blowing up the Cyber army with a great big canon.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: force fields, liquid cement.

This leads to the first Cyber war, where the rest of that Cyber army are blown to smithereens. Humanity unwisely believes they are definitely gone for good this time and get on with their lives. The Cybermen regroup on Telos and decide to wait until they are forgotten.

The Moonbase (TV, Second Doctor)
2070. The Cybermen break into the base on the moon and use the Gravitron to wipe out life on Earth. Unfortunately, the Cybermen are so busy boasting how clever they are compared to stupid Earth brains they accidentally sacrifice their advantage and the Doctor uses the Gravitron to flip the invasion force into the depths of space. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: gravity (bizarrely, this seems to be the same as very loud noise as far as they are concerned), radiation, nail varnish remover (yes, honestly).

Junkyard Demon (DWM, Fourth Doctor)
Flotsam and Jetsom, two scrap merchants, tour a solar system where a Cyber ship crashed in the wars. They regularly reprogram dead Cybermen into butlers. One Cyberman activates after the Doctor whacks it with a spanner, and it steals the TARDIS to revive Cybernaught Zogron. It fails.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: paint, which acts jus like liquid cement.

Meanwhile, the rag-tag and emotional survivors of the Cyber war are hanging around, causing trouble.

Deathworld (DWM)
A Cyber task force lands on Yemaya 4 to use its mineral wealth. However, the Ice Warriors try to jump their claim. There is a massive fight which ends with the Ice Warriors being buried in ice... probably a better fate than the Cybermen, who explode when water touches them.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: sonic blasts, water (of all things).

Throwback/Ship of Fools/Unnatural Born Killers/Company of Thieves - Kroton's saga
An invasion fleet out from Telos tries to conquer Mondaran. Kroton, a junior Cyberleader whose old personality is resurfacing, decides the last of the human rebels deserve a chance to escape. He does so, but runs out of energy and is left abandoned in space for an unknown amount of time, then in a time warp. Adapting his armor, Kroton spends many years travelling the universe, trying to live in harmony on primitive planets. After defeating a Sontaran invasion, Kroton meets up with the Eighth Doctor and Izzy, then becomes God after beating the shit out of a looney samurai.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: an axe, their own weapons, power failure - but Kroton is immune to high voltage cable to the chest. Hurray.

Into the Fire (Trenchcoat, Edward Peel Smith Doctor)
An exploration team of Cybermen return to the colony of Polaris IV. There, original Mondasian Cybermen created a great gemstone that caused psychotic aggression in human brains. The Cybermen would use it to plunge a planet into chaos and then 'liberate it', giving the "Polarians" reputations of being peacemakers. However, the weapon has developed a personality and wiped out its masters. This time it revives the Cybermen's emotions, causing them to explode with emotional energy. The Doctor tricks the gemstone into choking on its food.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: emotion. Not a bad day for them, really.

Black Legacy (DWM)
The most emotional Cybermen ever lead by Commander Maxil conquer the planet Goth - home to the legendary Deathsmiths who created the most amazing weapons every before suddenly vanishing. Unfortunately they vanished at the hands of the Ultimate Weapon, a skull-faced zombie with incredible psychic powers and carrying every disease in the universe. The Ultimate Weapon drives the Cybermen insane with dreams then kills them with rust. He spares Maxil so as Maxil can pilot the space ship and get the Ultimate Weapon out into the universe. Maxil commits suicide instead. But the Ultimate Weapon can wait, and sooner another opportunity presents itself in the shape of a Sontaran war fleet...

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: rust virus, their own weapons, nightmares, paranoia.

The Tomb of the Cybermen (TV, Second Doctor)
After 500 years, the Cybermen are declared dead and amateur archaeologists investigate Telos to see if there's anything worth writing papers about. However, the Cybermen are merely hybernating but their cunning plan has so many fatal flaws I will not bore you. The Cybermen are beaten up and locked in their tombs, FOREVER! "Forever" meaning it might last up to six hours.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: power loss, their own weapons, having the crap beaten out of them, electrocution.

Revenge of the Cybermen (TV, Fourth Doctor)
One of the very last groups of Cybermen decide to engage a second campaign against Voga to wipe out the reserves of gold. They use some Cybermats, poison and human traitor to turn the Nerva space beacon into a massive bomb they intend to smash against Voga. Unfortunately, not only do the Vogans have huge missiles of their own, the Fourth Doctor is on hand to blow the bastards up. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: gold (if it touches them, is injected into their necks but NOT shot at their chest units at high speed), explosions, being incredibly smug and stupid.

Earthshock (TV, Fifth Doctor)
2526, and humanity decides to have an interstellar conference to form an alliance against the return of the Cybermen, who have woken on Telos, revamped their design to 80s style. Loading 15000 Cybermen in hybernation onto a freighter as "mineral ores", the Cybermen send ahead two androids and an earthshock bomb to blow Earth apart. The Doctor has the androids blown up and defuses the bomb. So the Cybermen take over the freighter and turn it into a massive bomb they intend to smash into Earth. However, Adric sabotages the flight computer and when the space freighter hits that dodgy patch of reality near Jupiter (see The Android Invasion... on second thoughts, don't), it flips back 65 million years and wipes out the dinosaurs instead. The Cybermen, having lost 15000 troops and the element of surprise, abandon their attack. The alliance is formed and the Second Cyber War begins.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: concentrated fire of weapons, and gold is still bad for them but not immediately lethal.

Attack of the Cybermen (TV, Sixth Doctor)
The Cybermen are slaughtered by the Alliance and the Cryons return from the dead to wipe out those Cybermen still in hibernation. All seems lost until an experimental time machine crash lands on Telos. The Cybermen steal and head back to 1985 with a plan to change their own history using Halley's Comet and some vestial, destroying Earth so Mondas will survive. However, the Cryons blow up Cyber Control and stops the plan dead, rather. The Cybermen are gone FOREVER!

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: the air of Telos, Cryon poison, the distress signals of their own kind, a sonic lance in their gut, having their cooling tubes sliced, bullets, decapitation, vestial, their own weapons, intense cold.

The Five Doctors (TV)
Several squads of Cybermen are timescooped during the Second Cyber War and immediately try to conquer the Death Zone. However, it's not called that for fun.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: the most perfect killing machine ever devised, the most perfect killing machine ever devised's CD collection, the most perfect killing machine ever devised's spears, the laser disco of Rassilon, their own weapons, criminal gullibility.

Exodus Genesis Revelation (DWM, Sixth Doctor)
One of the surviving ships of the Cyber war crashes into a frontier planet centuries later when people have forgotten who the Cybermen are. A mad scientist repairs the Cybermen with limbs from unwitting natives, and uses one to snap the necks of his academic rivals. The mad scientist is about to use these Cybermen to conquer the world, but accidentally electrocutes himself and blow up the Cybermen.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: space ship crashes, being set on fire.

Sword of Orion (BF, Eighth Doctor)
A derelict factory ship of the Cybermen is found after being struck by an ion storm. The human race and their Orion androids are fighting a bloody war and want the Cybermen to tip the balance. A second ion storm destroys the ship before either side can use it.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: ion disruption, the cold of space, special anti-Cyber guns.

Cyberman: Scorpius, Fear, Conversion, Telos
Telos was not the only hive planet of the Cybermen, and it is reconquered by the Cybermen who decide to play the long game and convince the human race to employ them to defeat the android hordes. It doesn't quite go to plan. In the sense Telos is destroyed by an asteroid strike and the Cybermen defeated.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: that would spoil any surprises.

Sentinel (Trenchcoat Ninth Aspect, Jon Thaw Doctor)
One of thos hive planets is Rassiditon and a lone Cyberman stalks the Morandi hospital built over it. It intends to release viruses which will brainwash the human population of Rassiditon, only to get caught up in a Time Lord hit job. The tombs of the Cybermen are frozen in a time loop the Cybermen can only ever escape by using their imagination and humanity. It's safe to assume they don't escape.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: fireworks, electrocution, alien brain parasites.

Battles In Time
Some Torchwood supplies of Cyber technology are stolen. This causes lots of problems as the Cyber technology starts doing what it does best...

The Heroes Story (DWM, Sixth Doctor)
In the 82nd century, the Skelatoid menace (worryingly similar to the Cybermen) attacks the galaxy. The Cybermen don't even slow down the menace and the current Cyber Emperor agrees to join the Galactic Alliance Summit against the Skelatoid threat. However, it turns out it was all a waste of time as thanks to some Draconian prophecy, the Sixth Doctor has already blown them up. Damn it.

Dreadnaught (BBC, Eighth Doctor)
The Cybermen, upgraded, are resorting to pirate tactics - storming freighters and performing emergency conversions. They try to steal the Doctor's TARDIS, but one of their unfinished number goes nuts. The Doctor does something clever and destroys the Cybermen.

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: their own weapons, magnetism, having their neutron flow polarity reversed (a weakness they share with everyone else in the universe it appears.)

Real Time (BF/BBC, Sixth Doctor)
The last survivors of the Cyber race are hunted down by bounty hunters. A handful conquer the verdant planet of Chronos and discover that its population are from the past, moving forward in time from when the planet was desolate. The Cybermen convert the population but discover the time portal won't let them pass through without causing the Cyber implants to vanish. Using the time portal to snatch archaeologists, the Cybermen discover the Doctor and the TARDIS is on the planet, and decide to change history.

Now, pay attention. The Cybermen MIGHT do this. They get a virus that turns you into Cybermen and lets it loose on Earth in the 1950s, wiping out humanity and gaining conquest of the universe. One of their skin drones (a Cyberman that looks human) is a rebel who reprograms the virus to turn Cybermen into humans and travels into the future so he can cancel out this new history, right?

As the Doctor discovers, that history can only occur if the Cybermen get the virus and change it back to turning human to Cybermen. It appears that the Doctor has defeated the last of the Cybermen, not realizing that the last Cyber Controller was really his companion Evelyn in the future - and his current companion Evelyn has been infected with the cyber virus as they unwittingly head back to Earth in the 1950s...

(There was going to be a sequel to this, but it never happened. Just assumed the Doctor decided to check them both for virus contamination before leaving the TARDIS and sorted it out in a way so boring and drama-free Big Finish never bothered to show it. So, uh, the Cybermen are gone FOREVER!)

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: themselves, viruses, time differentials.

The World Shapers (DWM, Sixth Doctor)
A time-altering terraforming device called a world shaper is installed on Marinus at some point when only the Voord were living there. The World Shaper mechanics listed Marinus as Planet 14. The Voord captured the world shaper and started to use it as a weapon, causing their own evolution as their cybernetic implants grew and became part of them.

The Time Lords send one of their number to investigate, but the Voord use the World Shaper to accelerate time and the Time Lord uses up his regenerations. His TARDIS sends out a distress call and the Doctor, Frobisher and Peri arrive to help. The Time Lord dies whispering "Planet 14". Puzzled, the Doctor remembers hearing "Planet 14" before and decides to ask Jamie (who has full memories of his trips with the Doctor, despite what the Time Lords think). However, the TARDIS arrives forty years too late and Jamie is a half-mad lonely hermit who no one trusts. Nevertheless, Jamie agrees to join the TARDIS again and explains that "Planet 14" was where the Cybermen claim to have met the Doctor and Jamie before. (This is clearly not the case, as Jamie remembers The Invasion completely different to what's on TV, but he IS going senile, and the Doctor typically leaps to the wrong conclusion.)

Returning to Marinus, they discover the Voord have triggered a temporal explosion. The water planet is now dry and storm wracked, and the Voord are now evolving into a (new) race of Cybermen. The Doctor and Jamie head to the heart of the Cyber-Voord base and meet the Controller. Jamie sacrifices his life to destroy the world shaper, but while he deprives them of a time weapon, he also triggers the final temporal pulse that finishes evolving the Voord into Cybermen.

The Doctor and co find themselves on the barren world as dawn breaks. The Time Lords have arrived in force and order the Doctor to sod off while they get to business. They have allowed the Cybermen to be created again because they know in the future they will evolve, ultimately, into pure thought, and in the end prove the salvation of all sentient life.

(The Doctor rambles that this is in fact the first origin of the Cybermen and Marinus/Planet 14 has become Mondas... but he HAS just seen one of his best friends die horribly and miserably, and this IS the Sixth Doctor, who is known to jump to entirely the wrong conclusion.)

The one thing the Cybermen are vulnerable to: decapitation, temporal meltdowns.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Parody # 15: C Tooth & Law

Some crap I wrote in the last five minutes AND I HAVE WITNESSES!

C Tooth and Law

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor finds a CD of the Sex Pistols and puts them on. He casually acknowledges to Rose that his new identity is still in flux and malleable, and wants to check out if he still enjoys agonizing 1970s punk rock. Rose ponders if the Doctor might not be a bit impressionable, but the Doctor laughs off her concerns.

Five minutes later the Doctor has his hair in spikes, safety pins through his nose and insists he will from now on be called "Scumbag" as he spraypaints Gallifreyan Swastikas over the walls, all the time shouting "Oi!
Oi! Oi!"

The Doctor sets the TARDIS to land in 1979 so he and Rose can smash up the English state and provoke anarchy. Unfortunately, the TARDIS arrives in 1879 and, not realizing the woman in front of them is the real Queen Victoria and not a reactionary stereotype, start spitting on her and shouting "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FROM THE FASCIST REGIME!"

Five minutes later, the Doctor and Rose are handcuffed and being dragged along the ground behind Queen Victoria's coach. "1879, 1979, it's still a bunch of tossers lording it over the young!" the Doctor muses
philosophically. "FUCK SOCIETY!!!"

Queen Victoria decides to stop for burgers and chips at the Touchwood Estate, a subterranean laboratory built over a rift in time and space but used generally at a bed in breakfast. Curiously, all the usual staff have
been replaced with sumo wrestlers and the owner Sir Robert, has a gun pointed to his head by his butler.

Assuming they have caught Sir Robert in some kinky sex antics while his wife was out, Queen Victoria politely declines to comment and goes to have a Happy Meal.

Meanwhile, the wrestlers find the Doctor and Rose covered in mud and grass and lying behind the coach.

"What are you doing here?"


Soon, however, the Doctor and Rose are locked in cages along with the estate staff and a few Amway salesman, along with a strange hairless monk from Da Vinci Code.

The monk explains he is in fact a werewolf, but doesn't like to go on about it, and muses how when he joined the local martial arts group they made him their god and locked him in a cage every night. As every twenty-eighth night he turns into a psychotic killing machine, he can't really complain.

Rose points out that surely the werewolf is strong enough to break out of the cage, despite the Doctor's noticeable screams of "SHUT UP, ROSE! JUST SHUT UP! STOP TRICKING ALIEN KILLING MACHINES INTO ESCAPING THEIR DUNGEONS! DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST TIME??!"

Too late, the monk does just that, and promptly bites the head off a nearby sumo wrestler and dabs SMASH THE STATE in the human's blood.

"Aw, that's beautiful," the Doctor gasps.

The Doctor's enthusiasm starts to wane as the werewolf goes off camera and slaughters the sumo wrestlers in a sequence not even Ken "Wong" Russell would want to film. Deciding that discretion is the better part of having one's intestines hauled out of one's nostril, the Doctor and Rose run up some stairs. For a long time.

Along the way, the werewolf uses the other speaking parts as dental floss, leaving only the Queen Victoria.

Finally, the Doctor and Rose are left trapped in a room with a sword, a telescope and a Postideon Mark & Anti-Werewolf spray... DAMN IT! THERE'S NEVER ANYTHING USEFUL WHEN YOU NEED IT!

The werewolf bursts in and the Doctor climbs in front of the telescope and gurns in front of it. The sight of a gurning David Tennant blocking out the sun proves too much for the werewolf who vanishes in a puff of plot contrivance.

Queen Victoria stumbles in, bitten by the werewolf and sharing its deep abiding love of air guitar and mindless violence. Headbutting Rose, she creates the Touchwood Institute, an organization which will celebrate the spirit of the Sex Pistols forever more, defending Earth against the Reggae Horde... and maybe reverse engineering xenotech on slow weekends. She then banishes the Doctor and Rose forever, as they are clearly not nearly "high enough on the Syd and Nancy scale".

The Doctor sniffs sadly at the thought of being rejected by human monarchies, and warbles a heartbreaking rendition of "I Did It My Way."

He then pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Queen Victoria's head off, and jumps up and down on the body shouting: "PUNK'S NOT DEAD, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY AGING FAST, TRYING TO DIE A DEATH THAT LIVES UP TO ITS PAST! BWA HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

Rose suggests that slaughtering the ruling monarch of the British Empire might have some kind of knock-on effect on history. The Doctor disagrees - it's not like there was a BUTTERFLY involved, is it?

He and Rose bounce off to the TARDIS making fun of royal families that won't exist and the Doctor shouting he bets all the other lame, ITV shows are probably sucking up to the Queen on her birthday while he will reveal the truth: she's a variable wavelength haemovarioform AND she stinks!

As the TARDIS takes off, we see it had landed on a butterfly that twitches in a pathetic "the end... or is it?" moment before dying.

According to a strange guy who sits in the corner of my local pub, The Dead Lemming, a completely different script was penned for this slot by a being known only as Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones which was thrown out of rehearsals with bursts of hyena-like laughter.

The synopsis is as follows -

2.2 - Foolish Gerald:

Determined to get the Doctor out of the house while she and Ben do the horizontal mambo, Rose orders to the Doctor to pop out and do a scavenger hunt on a space freighter in the year 6455.

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS about the good ship SS Mysteriously Quiet and discovers that the entire crew have mysteriously dropped down dead. After running through various unlikely possibilities including improvisational comedy and salmon mousse, the Doctor decides that a deadly virus is to blame.

After a hysterical bout of hypochondria, the Doctor tries to flee back to the TARDIS as a marauding band of space pirates lead by the ill-considering Foolish Gerald arrives and knocks him out.

Back in the privacy of the TARDIS, Rose caresses Ben's smooth body as he explores hers.

Foolish Gerald foolishly reveals his plans to the Doctor, who has foolishly been left untied. Gerald released a lethal strain of herpes on the starship crew, which in a surprisingly sensible moment, made sure it was self-eliminating. Gerald is here with his band of pirates to steal the cargo of Space Nachos and sell them at profit, and also claim the insurance on the missing spaceship.

The Doctor points out that this leaves the damning evidence of the ship's black box, the Captain's Log and the message 'Argh! Treachery!' scrawled in blood on the fridge door to incriminate them. Gerald foolishly ignores this and prepares to leave.

However, Gerald's army of space invaders has vanished, leaving a strange curried egg smell where they stood. Gerald is put out, because he'll have to steal the cargo by himself now. Luckily, the crates are empty and Gerald is foolishly able to transfer them to their ship.

The Doctor meanwhile is not sure whether to be more alarmed by the strange force turning people into power or Gerald's foolishness.

Suddenly, a strange gaseous being called a Zelan arrives and, after making it clear and legally binding that it is not a Gelth, it explains that there was never any cargo aboard the ship at all. The freight company, Zelan Inc., stole it and replaced it with a canister of botox to send to another planet. Botox is a rare substance that allows Zelans to become corporeal.

The Doctor asks why the Zelans are doing such a strange thing instead of just heading to Earth in force and becoming corporeal there. The Zelans point out that this is their convoluted plot and the inexplicable murders around the ship are morally justified – even though neither the Zelans, Gerald or the Doctor can understand who, how or why Gerald's crew were wiped out.

The Doctor ruminates on the moral dilemma of whether to let the Zelans continue their horrible conquest of the known universe or get constant hate-mail for condemning them to permanent and embarrassing gaseousness.

He decides to leave this up to Gerald and Gerald foolishly agrees. With the memorable leaving phrase of 'We are not righteous avengers, we are not determined vigilantes and we are not stupid enough to hang around here!', the Doctor dives into the TARDIS.

He then immediately gets kicked out by Rose and Ben who have yet to finish their, er, 'oral soul searching'.

The End.

"Continuity" by SkyHooks

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain

Touch Wood to get ya in
Get right under your skin
With Captain Jack? Remember him?
Oh yeah!

It tries to be a thriller
It fails to be a chiller
The dialogue's a killer
Oh yeah!

The plots are a-crashin
The CGIs are a-smashin
Morality takes a-bashin
Oh yeah!

The cast are a-shagging
The writers are a-bragging
The fans are a-gagging
Oh yeah!

You think it's just a spin-off
And written by people
More talented than you and me

Maybe you don't care
If the show gets a season
Why does it exist?
This story's the reason!

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain

The public's don't miss
Plot, content and this
Show is taking the piss
Oh Yeah!

They do a lotta swearing
It gets really wearing
Kids and adult aren't caring
Oh yeah!

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
I ain't talking shit
People think Touch Wood
Is a successful hit!
People think Touch Wood

Is a successful hit!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Write Your Own YOA Review of Your Own Sparacus Story

Here is the guide I have used to review every BC story. Just match the numbers to the ones you used in the story and hay presto, instant banning from Outpost Gallifrey!

1) Fear? Of what? Decent writing?
2) The only terror is you thinking this is worth reading.
3) Smooth is not spelt with an e and neither is Smoothness
4) What Harvest?
5) No horror in this story
6) What trials? Having to get drunk, shag blokes and steal credit?

1) That doesn't make any sense, you moron!
2) Yeah, death is VERY strange. You been on the booze?
3) What fire? There's no fire in this story at all!
4) For fuck's sake, Spara, get a life!
6) This is going to suck, isn't it?
7) Oh, Christ, not a sequel to a previous story.
8) You intolerant little shit! How dare you! How fucking dare you?! At least pagans are doing something with their lives instead of getting wasting and stalking Corrie actors, you sad hack!

Ben Chatham was...
1) Oh, why do you tell us these things! WE DON'T CARE! NO ONE CARES!
2) God, how can Ben's liver survive, the drunken fuckwit?!
4) I notice his boyfriend from last week has been completely forgotten. Lucky them.
5) God, why do waste all the detail on what music he likes instead of how he is involved in the plot?!
6) Tch. Pisshead.
7) Why do you think this drunken loser appeals to... anyone? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!

...when the phone rang. It was...
1) This is nonesense! If Jack knew about Ben and his connection to the Doctor, why would Jack keep the severed hand of the Doctor instead of just borrowing Ben's mobile? Why would Jack be interested in Ben, the useless prat that Torchwood would normally feed to the weevils! Hell, Torchwood 3 is only concerned with Cardiff, so they wouldn't call him anyway. What could an amateur moron like him do anyway?!
2) The Doctor has better things to do than contact Ben. Like breathing.
3) No, I think you'll find she'd been ousted by one Mr. Saxon. Pay attention, you hack!
4) UNIT?! You're taking the piss! You must be! Damn it, what makes you think we want to read this shit!
5) Oh, the two biggest losers outside Ben Chatham need an excuse to lust after him. Pathetic.
6) Is there ANY male college student Ben didn't sleep with? And do any of them survive meeting Ben afterwards?!

...who tells Ben about...
1) More predictable bull shit.
2) More predictable bull shit.
3) More predictable bull shit.
4) More predictable bull shit.
5) You snobby little parasite! You fucking bastard, I hope you choke on your own absinthe, you shit!

Wasting no time, Ben...
3) You do not understand the concept of "wasting no time" do you?
4) Yes, you are a piece of shit no one likes. Kill yourself. Do it for Rose, for Katie, for MEEE!!
5) Hello, this is wasting what little synopsis there is! DO SOMETHING!
6) Seriously, he should be dead by now.

...and eventually sets off to investigate. On route he meets...
1) Damn it, either get a restraining order for her or make her your love slave! This is shit! Have you never heard of feminism?
2) For crying out loud, this is totally unrealistic. SHUT UP, SPARTHA, YOU SLAG!
3) These are all interchangeable, I note.

...and together they...
1) Quelle surprise.
2) Hello! Big emergency happening?!?

Eventually, they arrive at the scene of the crime, where Ben finds that...
1) ALL aliens are reptilian with cat like eyes. What is wrong with you?
2) God, another stock villain. Are they cloned in Torchwood labs?
4) You killed him off-screen, remember?
5) Gackron? GACKRON!
6) the Garm is a friendly extradimensional dog, it would not start a plan to slaughter humanity!
7) Oh, remembed him, have you?
8) Why do you hate monks, industrialists, women, cats, aliens and chavs? Is there anyone outside of Adam Rickitt you DO like?!?

...plans to...
1) Not again!
2) Why?! At least there was a decent explanation the last time PROPER, CANONICAL, CHATHAM-FREE Who did it! You're just stealing ideas without understanding them!
3) Oh, give me strength.

3) Oh, you wuss! You don't deserve to live! Can't you think of anything to do with the character, Sparacus? Are you too drunk and horny to even work out a plot?!

Ben leaps into action, and promptly...
1) You are taking the piss. Why weren't they there already?!
2) Torchwood wouldn't care! They're too busy nobbing each other for that!
3) Honestly, only you could introduce an all-purpose dues ex machina and forget about him!
4) ... I will kill you for this...
6) Oh, the crypto-facist calls in the military! How uplifting and satisfying!
7) .............................................................................. I am going to fucking kill you
8) Get real. Get real! GET REAL!
9) What about the evil master plan that couldn't be stopped? You forgot about it! You useless HACK!

With the world finally safe, everybody gathers around Ben, and sings "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Ben grins sheepishly, and...
2) Oh, I bet he gets herpes!
3) He's from 2012, you moron! He shouldn't be in this story at all!
4) What? While everyone's watching? Filthy exhibitionist!
5) Even Jack has standards.
6) Eww. That's not a satisfying conclusion by any definition.
7) What a shit ending.
9) You sad little pervert, get both hands out of your pants!

You write anything else this crap and... I give up! I'm never reading anything else you ever write! I tried to help, and you just spit absinthe at me! I hope your testicles explode, you freaking lepper!

How To Write Your Own Sparacus Story

Bernie Fishnotes has discovered the guide Spara has used since The Shadows of Christmas (unfinished) to write every BC story, and it is reproduced here! Just pick one option from each section and it is done!

1) Fear
2) Terror
3) Smootheness
4) Harvest
5) Horror
6) Trials


1) The Stange (Yes, It's meant to be Stange, it wasn't a typo!)
2) Death
3) Fire
4) Smootheness
5) The Smoothe
6) Doom
7) Darkness
8) The Pagans

Ben Chatham was...
1) having a shower while listening to Philip Glass
2) drinking absinthe while listening to David Bowie
3) wearing his expensive dressing gown, exclusive to Harrods,
4) drinking Twinings Earl Grey tea while listening to Bob Dylan
5) cooking a lentil bake while listening to Bowie
6) just waking up after a particularly heavy drinking session
7) finishing his eighth bottle of Chardonay

...when the phone rang. It was...
1) Captain Jack of Torchwood
2) The Doctor
3) Harriet Jones
5) Operation Delta
6) Quentin, an old college friend of Bens who he once had a sexual relationship with

...who tells Ben about...
1) strange happenings at an archaeological dig.
2) UFO activity near a stone circle.
3) strange murders near a monastery.
4) a suspicious electronic factory.
5) unusually intelligent chavs.

Wasting no time, Ben...
1) goes to bed so he'll be refreshed for the next day,
2) has a glass of wine,
3) listens to Philip Glass,
4) cries as he thinks about how none of his relationships last,
5) brushes his golden locks from in front of his deep, blue eyes,
6) drinks an entire bottle of absinthe,

...and eventually sets off to investigate. On route he meets...
1) Katie Ryan
2) The Doctor and Martha,
3) an old friend of his he once had a sexual relationship with (played by Joe Absolom),
4) hunky Julian, the servant of Ben's uncle Amos Heron, the eccentric hot air balloonist

...and together they...
1) get drunk.
2) have sex.

Eventually, they arrive at the scene of the crime, where Ben finds that...
1) reptilian aliens
2) a mad industrialist played by the actor who played Terry in 'Eastenders'
3) Van Statten's brother
4) The Master
5) an alien called Gackron
6) the Garm
7) Ben's ex-boyfriend Charles
8) the monks from a nearby Trappist monastery

...plans to...
1) convert the human race into animal-human hybrids.
2) go back in time and prevent the invention of Spam.
3) take over the government, and make everybody a slave.
4) blow up the earth, for some reason.
5) use the internet to take over the minds of chavs across the world.

1) takes his shirt off, revealing his smoothe chest
2) is concerned.
3) cries, as he is very sensitive.
4) has a drink of absinthe from his hip-flask.

Ben leaps into action, and promptly...
1) phones UNIT, who turn up and save the day.
2) phones Torchwood, who turn up and save the day.
3) remembers that he has a K9, which turns up and saves the day.
4) accidentally drops his poncy perfume from Lacroix, which releases chemicals that kill the villains and saves the day.
5) does nothing, and by pure coincidence, something happens that saves the day.
6) phones Harriet Jones, who sends the army in, saving the day.
7) complains about the colour of the wallpaper, which reminds his companion that the villains are killed by the colour orange. They throw an orange jelly baby at them, killing them and saving the day
8) starts to play the ocarina, the high notes causing the electronics to explode, saving the day.
9) does nothing. Luckily, due to writing these things over several weeks sparacus has forgotten the plot point about the main villain, and that problem is no longer an issue. The world is safe!

With the world finally safe, everybody gathers around Ben, and sings "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Ben grins sheepishly, and...
1) sleeps with Katie agina, then throws her out into the street, telling her it meant nothing.
2) sleeps with a young hunk he's met, played by the lad from 'Robin Hood'.
3) sleeps with Adam from 'Dalek'
4) has a shower.
5) sleeps with Captain Jack.
6) sleeps with both members of Operation Delta
7) makes everybody some lentil soup
8) takes his expensive Harrods towel to be dry-cleaned
9) sleeps with every male member of the cast.