Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Resuming Work

...in so many ways. Well, I'm volunteering my grunt services at the noble Hepatitis C Awareness organization (I still know little more than Martha Jones pretending to be Sam Jones pretending to have it, before getting Wirrn larvae injected into her intestines). Yet, curiously, I have also turned back to my guide page.

You know. This one.

Yes, if you want to see my psuedo-satirical ramblings (TM patent applied for by M. Goacher of Colchester) turned onto the Big Finish abomination they dared pass off as Season 27... well. Go there. It's not often I totally lost any kind of objectivity and started ranting without comic intent - the only other time was in Full Fist Five where I got sick of Steve Foxx telling me how to live my life - but amazingly enough, Crime of the Century finally made me snap. Maybe because it was awfully-written toss, but maybe because of the overarching philosophy...

Sam: I know all about losing things. Why do you think I’m here, wasting my time doing crosswords and aggravating my piles for thirty grand scores? Because I lost the lot! I used to have it all and I lost it all on Black Monday!

Doctor: Oh, one of THOSE. They happen every few decades, inevitable, brief and periodic cycles.

Sam: It’s all every well having that point of view when you’re a bloody time traveler – try to being a small-to-medium-sized business enterprise and THEN see how brief they seem. And how inevitable? I don’t think it HAD to happen! I’d like to get my hands on the blokes responsible, the lad who caused. Mark my words, someone’s made a nice little profit out of ruining us all. They did it all deliberately to make a killing!

Doctor: Shut up, Sam! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Sam: But, Doctor...

Doctor: I have had it UP TO HERE with all this self-pitying social relevancy... you’re a fucking gangland boss! Stop whinging about how unfair life is because YOUR bank balance is no longer in six figures! BOO-FUCKING-HOO! I was all ready to try and get into this gritty social realism, get rid of all the science fiction aspects and become as hardcore as "The Bill" or "London’s Burning" but MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST – a posh sword-fighting cat burglar and her Cockney gangster dad! VERY FUCKING REALISTIC I DON’T THINK! And, I could even have coped, even with the new Earthbound format with authentic-based contemporary characters IF YOU WEREN’T ALL SUCH TOTAL ASSHOLES! Hmmm, planet Zog in the 82nd Century or Thatcher’s Britain – I wonder which one will be more fun and interesting? That’s it, I quit!

Sam: Sylv, you’re going way off script...


...yeah. Probably some bias there.

In other news, The Lodger 2: Closing Time is awesome. It's quite clear only Gareth Roberts could be considered for replacement showrunner, since apart from anything else he's done more DW stories per year since 2005 since even RTD. Plus, you know, he can work out plots and is actually funny. Just say "no" to Mark Gatiss, boys and girls. Just say "no".

And I might get back Andrew & The Vanishing Verkoff once I've had my blood bleached yet again...

Monday, September 19, 2011

Andrew & The Vanishing Verkoff (v)

[Tears for Fear's version of "Mad World" plays.]

[Looking depressed and lonely, Dave leaves his house and heads up the road.]

Song: All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces

[Andrew is sprinting out of FOX Studios out across the park towards the bus stop.]

Song: Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

[Dave reaches a chemist and enters.]

Song: And their tears are filling up their glasses

[Andrew reaches the bus stop. He realizes he is alone and turns around. Gabby is still struggling to catch up with him.]

Song: No expression, no expression

[Blank-faced, Dave crosses to the shelf of sleeping pills and shoves a row of boxes off the shelf to fall into a canvas shopping bag.]

Song: Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

[Andrew is pacing at the bus stop, fidgeting, impatient. Gabby is still running and nowhere close.]

Song: And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

[Decisively, Andrew strides out into the traffic and holds out his arms, waving them frantically. None of the cars hurtling towards him are slowing down.]

Song: The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

[Dave emerges from the chemist with bag full of sleeping pills and heads down the street once more, looking no more cheerful.]

Song: I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take

[Andrew dives for the pavement, narrowly avoiding being run over a dozen times.]

Song: When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad World!

[Gabby reaches the bus stop, bewildered and shakes her head. She effortlessly waves down a waiting taxi. Incredulous, Andrew joins her in boarding said transport.]

Song: Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

[Dave returns to his home. His mum and dad are watching TV, apparently oblivious to his presence as he heads upstairs to his room.]

Song: Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

[He enters his bedroom and throws the bag on his bed. Boxes spill out.]

Song: Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me

[Dave starts to open the boxes and pops out the pills in a pile on a dresser with a mirror mainly covered in photos of Jadi and Pheobe.]

Song: Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

[The taxi is meandering through the suburbs. Andrew is leaning out of the passenger window, clearly trying to navigate. Gabby looks embarrased.]

Song: And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad

[Dave has piled up all the sleeping pills in a disused egg box.]

Song: The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

[The taxi pulls up outside Dave's place. Andrew dives up and runs to the front door. It's locked. He bangs on it to no avail.]

Song: I find it hard to tell you

[Dave picks up the first pill.]

Song: 'Cos I find it hard to take

[Andrew runs around the house, looking for an entry point.]

Song: When people run in circles

[Dave pops the pill and picks up a bottle of gin.]

Song: It's a very, very mad world...

Andrew: STOP!!!

[Dave freezes. The music continues from his stereo. Andrew is halfway through the window, frantic.]

Andrew: I know you must be feeling terrible right now but believe me - seriously I know where of I speak - that is NOT the answer. That's not even the question! That's a totally different conversation! Just stop. Please.

Dave: [pill in mouth] Waddargyoo tarkin abut Muddug?

[He swigs from the bottle.]

Andrew: NO!

Dave: [swallows] Chill, dude. It's just water.

[He offers the bottle to Andrew who sniffs it suspiciously.]

Andrew: It's a gin bottle.

Dave: Yeah, once. I hate using Franklin Water bottles. I wanna be distinctive.

Andrew: [shrugs] Fair enough. But you still don't have to do this!

Dave: Do what?

Andrew: Do this!

Dave: Do what?


Dave: [as if to an idiot] Do... what...?

[Andew takes a deep breath.]

Andrew: Dave, you are sitting in your bedroom listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack with a massive stockpile of sleeping pills and a gin bottle!

Dave: ...so?

Andrew: SO?! You think I don't know a suicide attempt when I see it?

Dave: [bewildered] Suicide? I'm not committing suicide.

Andrew: I refer you to the bedroom, music and massive stockpile of drugs, buster.

Dave: Hey, it's my bedroom!

Andrew: And the music?!

Dave: It's just coincidence!

[The music suddenly changes to the Dandy Warhol's Boys Better.]

Dave: Would anyone kill themselves to that?

[Suspiciously, Andrew crosses to the stereo and presses another button. 2Unlimited's "Get Ready For This" plays. Andrew presses the button again. "Crunchy Granola Suite" plays. Andrew tries again. "Werewolves of London". He switches it back to "Crunchy Granola".]

Andrew: Point taken. But this doesn't change the fact you have enough tablets in this room to slaughter an entire school and then, when they inevitably are revived as zombies by a mixture of cosmic radiation, toxic pesticide and voodoo, put them to sleep AGAIN and still have pills left over.

Dave: Maddog, Andrew, whatever. I haven't been sleeping well for... since forever. Even after the HSC, so my doctor proscribed me some sleeping pills.

Andrew: And you - what? - got every single proscription at the same time?

Dave: Saves trips to the chemist.

Andrew: And then you opened them all?

Andrew: Just the first week's supply. I put them into egg boxes so I'll know how many I've taken, so I don't take too many by accident. Is that all right with you?

Andrew: [cautious] So you're NOT gripped by suicidal despair after your best friends in the whole wide world abandoned you?

Dave: [sighs] Not till you turned up, no. I got a call from Phe on the weekend. She and what's his name and the triplets are all safe and sound in Prague. Her place overlooks Petrin Hill, which is just like the Eiffel Tower only not French. Plus, it's snowing! Snow at Christmas, that's what she's got right there...

Andrew: Uhuh. Any word from Jadi?

Dave: Nope. His parents just hang up on me. Um, this may sound like stupid question...

Andrew: [nods] ...most questions do in my experience...

Dave: ...but why did you break in through the window just now?

[Andrew goes blank for a long moment.]

Andrew: Well...

[The door burst open and Gabby staggers in.]

Gabby: That does it! No more travel expenses! I am SPENT - and not in a good way! [sees Dave] Cool, we got to him in time. What does he know about the conspiracy?

Andrew: [grins awkwardly] Haven't QUITE got to that bit yet, Gabbs.

[A long pause as Dave stares at them.]

Dave: I haven't taken a drug overdose today. But I'm not sure about you two.

[Back in the present. Andrew, Dave and Nigel are walking down a hill.]

Dave: [thoughtful] You know, in context, that afternoon isn't HALF as derranged as it was at the time.

Andrew: A common lament.

Nigel: I find all of this very difficult to believe.

Andrew: Why?

Nigel: [snorts] As if you two could lead interesting lives without me around!

Andrew: [rolls eyes] Anyway...

[Flashback once more. Andrew, Gabby and Dave are leaving a Mexican takeaway shop as Andrew messily devours a burrito.]

Dave: But what has all this got to do with me? I haven't seen Nigel since that English exam, and I couldn't care enough about him to betray him to any conspiracy.

[Andrew tries to reply around a mouthful then gives up and elbows Gabby.]

Gabby: [sighs] Andrew is totally sold on the idea that whoever's got Nigel has also got Jadi and tried to get Pheobe too. And apparently it's physically impossible for either of them to have got involved without you tagging along.

Dave: [sighs] Guess that's fair.

Andrew: [swallows] Quite. I thought, maybe, they were trying to drive you to suicide.

Dave: I don't buy this X-Files crap. What conspiracy? Nigel's into some kinky shit, everyone knows that. He drools after his own sister. Are we saying it's unreasonable he'd get some sugar from a nun? And if this lot were behind Phoebe having triplets, well, that means about nine months where they left the rest of us alone!

Andrew: And so they strike just after the HSC where none of you will be missed.

Dave: This is paranoia, man.

Andrew: [annoyed] It is only paranoid, David, if we are proved to be wrong! Now, someone is definitely after Nigel. And I'm certain someone is after you, Pheobe and Jadi. Either there are two separate conspiracies or one big one - so what have you three, Nigel and Jason been up to, to warrant this kind of attention?

Dave: How the hell should I know? I mean, hell, delivering the triplets was the longest I've spent with Nigel socially for years!

Gabby: When was the last time then?

Dave: I dunno. Ages back, at primary school. And back then, Nigel... he was a geek. No, worse. Geeks picked on him. He had no friends, nothing. Then, well, you know, Jason stabbed him, whole near-death experience and suddenly he was cool. Two weeks later, the whole school burns to the ground and we never really got back together...

Andrew: And anything happen in those two weeks?

Dave: [rolls eyes] Apart from the school burning down?

Andrew: [unsmiling] Yes. Apart from that.

Dave: Just the... [pales] the... Russian Kid "incident".

[Andrew grins a feral grin.]

Andrew: Yeah. THAT sounds more like it!

Gabby: You mean Magnus? What happened to Magnus?

Dave: Yeah. [double takes] YOU know about that?

Gabby: Nigel told me about it. [hurt] Hey, I have an attention span, you know!

Andrew: I'm impressed. [to Dave] So, this incident - you, Phe, Jadi, Nigel and Jason, were all involved in it, right?

Dave: Yeah. And this girl, Danielle, but she vanished years ago.

Andrew: How convenient. Well?

Dave & Gabby: Well what?

Andrew: Are you going to tell me about this Russian Kid Incident or what?

[Flashback in a flashback, with tasteful art deco sepi-tinted flashbacks to that well-known epic, Verkoff: A Terrible Ego.]

Dave: [vo] It started after Nigel got stabbed and did his total makeover thing. While he was off sick, this new kid, Brian Magnus, joined the school. He was, well...

Gabby: [vo] A fuckwit.

Dave: [vo] Yeah. Pretty much. A well-connected fuckwit with diplomatic immunity, coz of his parents. He wasn't just an asshole, man, he was violent. He beat the crap out of everyone and anyone, and not for any kind of street cred. He got a totally sick thrill out of it. If there's true evil in this world, he's on the mailing list.

Gabby: [vo] And Nigel was the only one to stand up to him.

Dave: [vo] Yeah, not that it did anyone any good. It got into a whole cold-war type escalation thing. Magnus insulted Nigel, Nigel insulted Magnus in public and kicked in the balls, Magnus broke Nigel's sister's arm... well, Nigel went off.

Andrew: [vo] So what happened?

Gabby: [vo] Nigel came up with a plan. He locked Magnus in a shed at the school all night with a blue lightbulb. He told Magnus it was deadly and radioactive and stuff.

Andrew: [vo] And he believed him?!

Gabby: [vo] Yep. The guy was convinced he had cancer and radiation sickness, he immediately went to Switzerland or something to get the best medical care.

Dave: [vo] After the school burned down and we all got split up, none of us expected he'd be able to find us and get any revenge. From what I heard, the guy was totally nuts by that point.

[End flashback.]

Andrew: [sickened] And you helped Nigel do that?

Dave: Yeah. I did.

Andrew: Mmm. Ever heard of Karma?

Gabby: A chameleon?

Dave: [righteously pissed off] Look, Andrew, I'm not saying what we did was right. We're not perfect saints. But Nigel was right - there was nothing else we could do. Ever wonder why Phoebe lisps sometimes? Its because that bastard broke her jaw. And that was when she was trying to help him, and even though he knew that, he beat her up anyway. Maybe I deserve this crap, but I don't regret it a bit. Not a bit.

Andrew: [flatly] A man of conviction.

Dave: You taking the piss?

Andrew: Thanks for the info, Dave. Good luck with the insomnia.

[Andrew turns and walks off, finishing his meal. Gabby follows.]

Gabby: Now what?

Andrew: Go home.

Gabby: That's it?

Andrew: It's been a long day and, in case it wasn't obvious, we've run out of leads.

Gabby: What do you mean? We know it's Magnus. It must be him!

[Andrew stops and turns to face her.]

Andrew: Whoop-de-friggen-doo Gabrielle. And where is Magnus, huh? This rich Russian psychopath with the money and resources to stage-manage this whole operation on a sordid whim? Where do you think he'd be? Where would he have taken Nigel - assuming of course he didn't just kill him and bury him in concrete last week? What do we have left to go on?


Andrew: Go home. We'll talk tomorrow.

Gabby: Nigel...

Andrew: Nigel what? We don't even know if he's alive. So we can afford to wait till tomorrow.

Gabby: And if we can't? He could be dying right now!

Andrew: And we wouldn't be able to help him anyway! Now go catch some zeds!

[Andrew storms off, leaving Gabby alone.]

[Back in the present.]

Nigel: Ahem. What about the postcard?

Andrew: [confused] The postcard?

Dave: The one oh-so-mysteriously left with the warning for Nigel?

[Andrew stares at them for a long time.]

Andrew: Oh, THAT! Yes, well, I had good reasons for not mentioning it at the time...

[Flashback. Andrew heads to his bungalow.]

Andrew: Paeje? I'm home! No need for dinner, I'm as full as a goog. Whatever that means. Anyway, I saved you some nachos. Eh? Paeje? Hey-la-hey-lala-hey? Enchiladas and white sombreros? Stomach dissorder south of the border? Paeje?

[Andrew turns on some lights. No sign of his dog.]

Andrew: How odd. Must be down the pub. Again. So, since we're alone...

[He spins around impressively. An attractive girl in dark clothes stands by the door, in the shadows.]

Andrew: ...shall we sit down, have a nice chat, watch some Backberner?

Simone: I knew you'd get involved.

Andrew: Did you?

Simone: I saw you watching me.

Andrew: I know you did. I was there! Honestly, I'm not blind, girl.

Simone: Not yet.

Andrew: [unimpressed] Oooh. Scary.

Simone: So. You haven't told her about me yet.

Andrew: I'm a sucker for the dramatic flair. Where is he?

Simone: Who?

Andrew: Nigel Verkoff. The poor schmuck from Palookaville you sold down the river.

Simone: Dunno. Don't care.

Andrew: Is that a family motto round these parts or something?

Simone: My motto's always been "No Witnesses, No Mercy".

Andrew: I didn't know you were related to Ivan Milat.

Simone: Who?

Andrew: [blows out cheeks] Man, I need to get threatened by people with a better grasp on Australian history. This is just embarrasing.

Simone: [mock sympathy] Life is cruel, isn't it?

[She turns on a battered radio. "Why Aye Man" plays very loudly.]

Andrew: I can scream louder than Mark Knopfler, you know.

Simone: [grins] Bonus.

[Suddenly, she grabs Andrew by the singlet and hurls him forcefully into a pile of junk by the wall.]

Simone: Tch. You look a lot tougher than you are.

[Simone strides over to the prone Andrew. His eyes suddenly snap open and he swings out a punch. Simone catches his fist before the blow connects and uses her other hand to punch him in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.]

Andrew: [in pain] There's no need for this... seriously, I've got a brilliant idea...

[Andrew struggles to his feet, but Simone casually punches him in the head, then the stomach. As he doubles over in pain, she cracks him over the back and he topples to the ground at her feet.]

Simone: You know, I was worried you'd be smart enough to work out the truth and do something about it before I could stop you. What a colossal waste of time that turned out to be, huh?

[She takes out a cigarette and lights it.]

Simone: I got hired for a reason, you know. I really don't like other people. I guess I got a bit too close to Nigel. But not close enough to you, huh, Bad Dog or whatever your name is. [mocking] See you on the way down!

[She throws the cigarette onto a pile of newspapers and magazines. By the time she's left, they are burning. Andrew lies unconscious and bloody on the ground as smoke fills the air and the fire starts to spread...]

- to be continued...

Monday, September 12, 2011

FFS Spara!

Yes, despite hopes he was killed in the chav riots earlier the year, the emperor is back showing his clear empathy once again...

Is Rory too emotional in the episode?

Towards the end of the story, Rory was crying and emotional. This was rather odd behaviour. Surely Rory would not be in too minds about it. Also Rory, as an heterosexual male, would not even consider saving the old haggard Amy when he has the nubile younger version at hand.

(The inevitable-bordering-on-ceremonial accusation of trolling.)

No. I come here to engage in discussion and analysis of Doctor Who episodes not to engage in trolling. The fact that some of my observations produce a mixed reaction is due to the wide variety of different kinds of people that post on this site.


I am not trying to be deliberately controversial, just to tell it as it is. You'd have to scrape the whole world to find a straight man who would swap his young, attractive girlfriend for a middle aged past-its-best-before-date version.

(It is pointed out that this still counts as murder.)

It isn't nasty at all. This old Amy was a rather bitter woman. Why would the younger version of Amy want her older self hanging about? Rory would surely not want the hassle either.

(It is suggested the emperor is a bit touched in the head.)

This is news to me. I don't remember anything in previous episodes to suggest that Rory has aspergers.

(The suggestion is clarified until even spara understands it.)

Bizarre comment.

(It is pointed out that Rory is capable of more than blind lust.)

Rory clearly loves Amy yes. Because he finds her attractive as she is young and hot.

(Yet Rory has loved her when she wasn't young and hot.)

True, however he was also attracted to her. Would Rory have fallen for her had she looked like Olive in 'On the Buses'?

(What about their life-long love affair AS SHOWN ON SCREEN LESS THAN A MONTH AGO?!?)

True, however at that point in their lives they were just friends. This only turned to love later.

My original point is simply that it is hard to believe that Rory would have considered saving the old Amy above the young one as its not how lads behave. Look at Rod Stewart for example. He regularly trades in blonde wives/girlfriends for nubile younger versions.

(Rory isn't Rod Stewart.)

This may be the case however my point is that he fell in love with Amy as she is now ie young not some fifty-something verson of her.

(Excuse me, he's NOT Rod Stewart!)

My point about Rod Stewart is a valid one. I'm not suggesting that Rod represents all heterosexual males or even the average one. However there are a considerable number of blokes who admire men like him who have the wealth and success to upgrade their wives/partners to younger ones.

(What is it with you and Rod Stewart?!)

The point I am trying to make is not about Rod Stewart's appearance or music. Whatever you think about him the fact is that he represents what most straight blokes aspire to; success, money, cars and attractive young women. If you asked Rod to choose between a date with an ageing woman in her 60s or a blonde 25 year old he'd choose the latter.

(Who cares about Rod? We're talking about Rory!)

My point is that psychological studies have shown that blokes are much more motivated by a woman's looks. The average lad on a building site does not spend his time contemplating the true meaning of love. He likes football, watching 'Top Gear' and basically wants to bed as many women as possible.

(Rory is not Rod Stewart, not is he a lad on a building site.)

Rory is a straight guy. He does love Amy however the emotional way that he dealt with having to choose between her and an older version just seemed rather odd.

(What is wrong with you?!?!)

Rory's behaviour is not easy to understand in that he would obviously want to save his Amy ie the young one and would not agonise over the matter. His agonising is simply a symptom of over-emotionalism in Nuwho. The Brigadier would have told him to pull himself together in the classic series.

(The Brigadier is a soldier from the 1970s. Rory is a 21st century nurse.)

OK I accept that you make a valid point here ie that Rory working in a caring profession may have made him more sensitive and emotional or may just reflect these qualities that he already had. He's still a lad though.

(He's a 2000+ year old Roman soldier who has lost his daughter.)

OK, I'll give you another example: Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones.

(Do you stereotype homosexuals to this degree?)

I do not think in stereotypes. I've pointed out earlier in this thread that I'm not saying all blokes are the same, just that Rory should behave like a typical example. I accept that this may seem, on the surface, to be contradictory, but any psychologist will tell you the same.

(What? All men are dickheads so Rory should be too?)

I am not claiming that all men are "dickheads" as you term it. I am simply pointing out that straight men, on average, tend to be less open about their emotions than women. Rory clearly loves the young Amy and because he ended up saving her in the end he would be unlikely to be upset about the old Amy.

(Is this going to be another "DW Character Must Be Gay Because Heteroes Have No Self Control" thread like his one about every Doctor, Master, UNIT grunt and male companion?)

Rory isn't gay. Also I do not think he would want a three in a bed romp with both versions of Amy as I think he would find the experience disturbing and overwhelming.

(The Emperor's ignoring the clear evidence otherwise proves he's a "Freudian Test Case".)

Odd comment. I've never studied psychology so have no idea why I should be linked to Freud and his theories. I understand that his great- grandson runs a PR company and is friends with David Cameron and Jeremy Clarkson.

(You disgust me, you troll.)

I am not a troll. As I understand it an internet troll is a nasty person who sets out to provoke others into anger in order to derive some kind of pleasure. Wheras I promote lively intellectual analysis of Doctor Who episodes. On the same note, I noticed today that some chap has been jailed for trolling on the internet, which seems rather harsh although he was apparently posting some sick stuff.

(Thread locked.)

Yes, bitches, he's back.

Me? I liked it a lot more than Night Terrors, which my parents dubbed the worse thing since Mel began a screaming competition for Season 24...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Miracle: Torchwood Day (1)

[An alien YMCA on the planet Zog. Jack stumbles out, pulling his pants.]

Jack: Sorry, Lonzo! My facebook status says mysterious people are googling "Torchwood" and I must return to the Earth and delete every last bit of information I conveniently forgot to delete when I ran away from my last surviving friend in pathetic shame. Yes, I know it's been two years and Gwen might have finally lost the battle with her natural instinct to take a pop-up toaster into the bath with her, yes, I know I abandoned her when she was heavily-pregnant with every secret agent on the planet wanting to use her as target practice, yes, I know that Internet broadband causes unspeakable damage to my brain and makes me a completely useless arsehole any time I'm on Earth without the protection of a Time Machine, and, yes, I know it's kind of pathetic to cross the galaxy to red-flag some websites and come back again BUT I HAVE AN UNSTATED LOVE THAT ONLY GWEN COOPER, A BRAIN-DAMAGED WELSH TART, CAN...

[Alonzo sticks his head out the window.]

Alonzo: Get fuck out of here, then! Christ you angsty bastard, I don't want you round anyway! For the love of Clom, I've tried to dump you ever since you told me you got every single one of your exes killed and then murdered your grandchild! YOU THINK THAT'S A TURN-ON?! Get out of here you sick fuck! Oh, if you ever see the Doctor, tell him I hope he dies horribly for using me to get you laid!

[Alonzo slams the window.]

Jack: Hmmph. Yeah, well, fine! I didn't want to live with a Jewish werewolf anyway...

[Jack lifts his trouser leg and flags down a passing flying saucer.]


[Oswald Danes is given a lethal injection.]

Danes: I regret nothing! Except, you know, not taking those elocution lessons...

Guard 1: Hmm. The lethal injection isn't working.

Guard 2: Oh well. Put a bullet through his brain.

Guard 1: Why would I want to do that?

Guard 2: He's a self-confessed pedophile murderer with a speech impediment who for his dying request asked for "some underage bitches to rape in front of their parents" and a bottle of olive oil.

Guard 1: You never used to be so judgemental.

Danes: Let me go free! I've done my time! It's not my fault I didn't die!

Guard 2: We really shouldn't let him go.

Danes: If you don't let me go, I'll SUE you! Coz I'm an AMERICAN!

Guard 1: Well, maybe we can compromise?

Danes: How so?

Guard 2: How about we release you AFTER we've cut your genitals off, ripped out your tongue, broken both your legs and carved the word "PEDOPHILE" into your forehead?

Danes: That sounds like hard work.

Guard 1: Good point. Let him go.

Danes: Yay!

[Meanwhile, Rex Matheson is driving the wrong way down a highway in the rain. Blindfolded, smoking and talking on a mobile phone.]

Rex: Hah! My boss's wife got cancer! I get a promotion! What a magnificent bastard I am! Karma, do your worst!

[A stray javelin skewers him through the chest.]

Rex: ...did NOT see that one coming. Um, ow?

[Esther Whatshername is at her desk.]

Esther: I warned you about the stray javelins, but no one listens to me! No one listens to Esther...

Rex: [over phone] Need... ambulance... hot female surgeon...

Esther: Fine. Because I in no way fancy you. I am too busy being cute and virginal...

Rex: [over phone] ...you bet... oh god... the salty pain...

[Rex is rushed into hospital and meets Dr. Julia "Hotlips" Juvarez.]

Juarez: I am the doctor!

Rex: Hot damn! Doctor who?

Juarez: No, not Doctor Who, Doctor Who-var-rez.

[In the corner of ER, a drummer goes "ba-tum-dish!"]

Juarez: Seriously, do you HAVE to be here?

Drummer: Fuck you!

Juarez: I'll just staple-gun your chest closed, Rex. Everyone on the world is now immortal. Isn't this lovely?

Rex: Not really.

Juarez: No, actually you're right. It sucks. Rather like your chest wound.

Rex: Hey, babe, wanna suck something else?

Juarez: Not this early in the story arc.

Rex: Darn. Oh well, back to work. [into phone] Hey, Esther, anything interesting?

Esther: [over phone] Meh. You know how we were googling "Torchwood"? All the wesbites have disappeared. The consesus of the CIA is we don't give a shit.

Rex: Hmmm. I'll take the case.

Esther: What about mankind becoming immortal?

Rex: Bah, I am not a trend-setter for nothing. Get me everything you have on Torchwood.

Esther: We don't HAVE anything.

Rex: Then make something up! This is the CIA for fuck's sake!

Esther: OK. OK.

[Esther breaks into the Mutant Enemy Script Archive.]

Esther: I'll just steal some Joss Whedon scripts, change a few names and hey presto, a unique sci-fi-horror franchise everyone will take very seriously. What can possibly go wrong?

[Captain Jack drops from the ceiling and beats her up, violates her with a coke bottle and uploads the whole thing to youtube. Esther runs away.]

Jack: Wierd. After centuries living on Earth, I was SURE that was the best way to come across as trustworthy and likeable to total strangers.

[A random terrorist arrives and tries to shoot Jack.]

Terrorist: Bwahahaha! You can't stop me, I'm invincible!

Jack: So am I!

Terrorist: Are not!

Jack: Are too!

Terrorist: Are not!

Jack: Are too! Look!

[The terrorist blows himself up leaving a twitching scorched skeleton.]

Jack: Well, bugger me with a Slitheen, wasn't expecting that. [horrified] OH GOD, A HANGNAIL! I AM MORTAL! DAMN YOU, ROSE TYLER, DAMN YOU ALL THE WAY TO CARDIFF!

Esther: Why is someone trying to kill you?

Jack: Apart from all the obvious reasons? No idea. Drink this suspiciously-unmarked bottle of water.

Esther: Why?

Jack: It'll make you forget I ever existed.

Esther: So how will it explain the exploded terrorist and the bruises?

Jack: Look, if you drink it, I'll tell you the entire plot of Children of Earth.

Esther: But I'll just forget it.

Jack: It's better this way. I repeatedly try and blank out the ep where Gwen got married. Wonder how that turned out?

[Cut to a self-sufficient hovel on a distant island. Gwen and Rhys are singing The Good Life theme tune and playing with a very bored looking baby.]

Gwen: ...so then Uncle Owen slammed me against a tree and demanded to know the last time I came so hard I forgot where I was, and would have raped me there and then except for this pile of maggot-ridden corpses nearby. And then Uncle Jack decided he hadn't been enough of a prick today and used me, the non-immortal one, as a human shield. And despite all the medical problems due to gunshot wounds, I immediately bonked Owen senseless and kept lying to your daddy, Old Mastadon Buttocks himself...

Rhys: [calls] Ey! Gwen! Couple of ramblers wanting directions...


[Gwen snatches up a bazooka and kills the ramblers.]

Rhys: You know, you were a lot cuter before you became a serial killer.

[The phone rings.]

Gwen: Hullo?

Andy: Hey, it's me, PC Andy! I didn't get killed in the last series.

Gwen: And we care because...?

Andy: Your dad's had a heart attack. And since he's one of only 867 individuals to appear both in New Who, Classic Who AND Torchwood, um, it's best you see him. Even though he gets no dialogue and you'll be stuck with your mother who even Sylvia Noble calls an unhelpful closed-minded bitch.

Gwen: Oh well, let's head to the mainland and hope the secret services don't try to kill us.

Rhys: Why exactly ARE they trying to kill us again? Since we overthrew the government out to get us and no one knows we exist anyway?


[Cut to a hospital room. Gwen's dad isn't dead.]

Gwen: ...OK, this is getting boring.

Andy: What about everyone not dying! The world's going to run out of resources!

Rhys: And why do we need resources?

Andy: Um... so we don't die?

Gwen: Yeah. This isn't worth my time, is it?

Andy: Not really no.

[At CIA headquarters.]

Esther: Meh. A picture of Gwen Cooper on the Torchwood Facebook Page.

Rex: Fuck yeah! Get me on a plane, you cunt! I'm going to Wales!

Esther: This is a monumentally dumb idea.


Esther: Oh yeah. Forget everything I just said.

[Rex gets on a plane. Jack sits next to him.]

Jack: So... wanna join the mile-high club?

Rex: Eww, no way! You look like Tom Cruise - I could never sleep with a scientologist!

Jack: Fair enough.

[Rex gets off the plane. Jack follows him.]

[Rex crosses Wales in an SUV. Jack follows him.]

[Rex arrives at the Cooper hovel. Jack follows him.]

Rex: Stop following me!

Jack: Stop BEING where I'm GOING!

[A helicopter with a machine gun attacks the hovel. Gwen runs towards the machine gun fire with a pistol and a baby in one hand.]

Assassin: Holy fuck she is insane! RUN AWAY!

Jack: Hey, Gwen. Here's a rocket launcher I pulled out of my ass.


[The helicopter blows up.]

Gwen: Why the hell are people trying to kill us? Who the hell are they? Why are people not dying anymore?

Jack: Dunno. Morphic fields?

Rex: ...what a lame idea. Nevertheless, the best on offer. You two retards may be important to the ongoing story arc so, you're coming with me.


Rhys: Don't worry, that's her default reaction to anything remotely unexpected.


[Rex, Jack, Gwen and the chick from Dollhouse get on a plane.]

Gwen: So... anything interesting happen to you?

Jack: Got a bit-part in David Tennant's finale. You?

Gwen: Killed a lot of random hikers.

Rex: You people are retards, you know that?

Chick from Dollhouse: Would you like some cyanide with your arsenic?

Jack: Sure! Why not? I'm immortal, aren't I?

Gwen: Um. No.

Jack: Oh. Fuck.

Rex: [into phone] Hey, Dr. Who-var-rez, I need to save the life of someone dumber than Peri Brown in a Nev Fountain script. Any ideas?

Dr Juarez: Kinda busy remodeling the entire health service, Rex.

Rex: Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaasssse?

Juarez: OK. Just give him two panadol and call me in the morning.


[Gwen, gripped by insane rage, starts to tear the entire plane apart and forces random engine parts down Jack's throat.]

Jack: Do you know what you're doing?

Gwen: Jack. It's me. I have yet to comprehend the concept of dying my hair and wearing glasses to escape pattern recognition software.

Jack: Ooooooooooh shit.

[Meanwhile, Steven Colbert is talking to Oswald Danes.]

Colbert: So, why should we not simply bury you in a volcano, you child-murdering rapist?

Danes: Because I am very sorry and promise not to do it again.

Colbert: Pinky-promise?

Danes: Pinky-promise.

Colbert: [sobs] I have something in my eye. I have something in my other eye. I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY HEART!

[He bursts into tears.]

All America: Awwwwwwwwwww.

[A redhead in a WPC outfit runs up to Oswald.]

Jilly: Hi, my name is NOT Amelia Jessica Pond. I did not audition for the role, nor am I bitter that freckled slut Karen Gillan stole the part that was rightfully mine. Neither am I upset I couldn't get the part of Emma in Glee. I am very well balanced.

Danes: ...it shows.

Jilly: You are so cool. Wanna be on Oprah?

Danes: Will she piss in the food?

Jilly: Well... no more than she normally does.

Danes: Sold!

[Rex rings Esther.]

Rex: Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is we managed to cure Jack, the bad news is we crashed the plane coz some crazy Welsh bitch smashed up the engines. Oh, and the Chick from Dollhouse is evil.

Esther: Oh, btw, our twitter accounts say we've betrayed the entire CIA to the Chinese.

Rex: Ooh. Awkward. This makes me angry.

[Rex snaps the neck of the Chick from Dollhouse.]

Rex: I feel better. Get me a taxi, girl, and let's run for our lives!

Esther: [swoons] I definitely have not dreamed of this day ever since I met you.

Rex: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.


[The fat guy from Jurassic Park wanders around his home.]

Rex: I am going to fucking kill you for betraying us! Harry from Spooks is a way better boss!

Fat Guy: I'm sorry! I'm typecast! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Rex: Give me one good reason.

Fat Guy: Um... there's a suspicious bigger-on-the-inside warehouse full of pain killers ready for the sudden immortality of the human race?

Rex: Aww. I can't stay mad at you!

[Rex shoots him in the arse and wanders off whistling.]

Jack: It's obvious. Somehow the mysterious and hithertoounmentioned PhiCorp has caused the miracle to happen so they can sell more drugs.

Esther: That's not obvious.

Jack: Sod this, I'm off to have sex with strange men.

Gwen: I thought you were bissexual.

Jack: I am. I sleep with straight men. Ooh, I better wear a condomn. In the 51st century herpes can turn you into a giant severed head in a tank!

Rex: Hmmm. It makes sense. Only someone immortal could survive being so fucking stupid.

Esther: Hey. Wanna have some inappropriate and unhelpful sex since we're part of Torchwood?

Rex: Guess it would be sensible. I'm off to screw Dr. Juarez.

Esther: [cuts herself] I'm getting married in the morning...

[Pull out to see RTD in the studio dub.]

RTD: [beyond anger] WHAT - IS - THIS?!? Heterosexual sex?!? In Torchwood?!?! By the holy madrojassic maxarodenfoe, A SEMI-NAKED WOMAN?!? Don't you know only NAKED MEN are allowed in this show? Especially big, fat, blobby condoms-full-of-custard! HOW DARE YOU! I WANT SOME HARDCORE GAY BUMP-AND-GRIND IMMEDIATELY?

Exec: Course, Rusty. Course. [to PA] Put it in then delete it for UK broadcasts.

PA: Won't we get accused of censorship?

Exec: Meh. All publicity is good publicity.

[Back to the show. Armies of people in hoods and masks are wandering around.]

Gwen: What could this possibly portend?

Esther: [shrugs] It's just the annual V for Vendetta convention.

[Cut to hotel room where Jack is... well.]

Fingermen: By tomorrow morning, if your arse isn't the sorriest in LA... it'll sure be the sorest!

Jack: Oooh, bring it on! [rings up Gwen] Ohhh, yeah! Hey, Gwen, how's this for phone sex? Gwen? Gwen? The bitch hung up! Guess we'll have to upload this to youtube on our own...

[The next morning, Jack waddles in very stiffly.]

Jack: Go on, Rex. Come up with homophobic abuse.

Rex: I'd rather specify the abuse onto what a total fucking idiot you are.

Jack: You love it!

Rex: No. I don't. And since you're mortal and I'm not, don't piss me off.


[Jack prances off and spots a door marked CHILD-KILLING SEX OFFENDERS ANONYMOUS. He peers inside. Danes is sitting around looking bored.]

Danes: Meh. It was always a vain hope.

Jack: Hey, I'm Captain Jack Harkness, I have sex with anything that isn't fast enough to escape and I am quite happy to murder, torture and abuse children as long as everyone is under the influence of drugs.

Danes: Pah. Rank amateur! If you'll excuse me, I have a TV show to make about the need for non-perscription medication. I would have thought birth control, mandatory sterilization and other such ideas might work, but I'm not the shadow triumvirate running human civilization, am I?

Jack: Hmm. That sounds important. Better remember that.

[Jack leaves the room and finds a cue of autograph hunters.]

Git 1: Aw, it's just Tom Cruise. We wanted the autograph of Oswald Danes!

Git 2: Yeah, he's so cool.

Git 3: We're Americans. We're morons.

[Everyone laughs.]

Jack: [to camera] Times like this make me glad I'm actually Scottish.


Gwen: Well, Esther, now you're a member of Torchwood, you need to be suicidally insane.

Esther: Um. OK. I'll visit my psychotic paranoid sister in public where absolutely everyone can see me, plus I'll ring ahead to double the chances of being caught.

[Ester visits her sister Sarah, who doesn't open the door.]

Esther: Oh, Sarah, why won't you let me in?


Esther: Hmmph. Fine. I'll call social services to take your children away. Nothing can go wrong.

Gwen: Wow. You are a natural.

[Snake Plisson watches them with his evil eyepatch. Of evil.]

Sarah Palin: Dead is dead! Everyone who has magically not died should perish! I am better than all of you! I'm a Soccer Mom of the Walking Living!

Michael Palin: Oh, the for the last time, we are NOT related!

Marco Polo: No, I'm not Michael Palin, I've just got the same initials.

Mikey Robbins: You're just taking the piss now.

[This is on TV in a grubby council estate. Rex enters.]

Rex: Hey, dad.

Rex's Dad: Piss off.

Rex: It's me. Your only son who loves you, adores you and ensures the CIA have never noticed your drug racketeering, prostitution or clown molestation school for underprivaleged wierdoes.

Rex's Dad: What part of "piss off" don't you get?

Rex: But dad, I nearly died and now Sarah Palin wants a jihad against me!

Rex's Dad: Piss-ay-off-ay.

Rex: Fine! I hate you! You're just a fictional construct anyway!! I'm going to have it off with a Thatcherite wanker! THAT'LL SHOW YOU!

[Rex storms out.]

Rex's Dad: Whatever.

[Back at Torchwood HQ which for various product placement reasons is in Subway Sandwiches bar.]

Right. Now we've all proved what unproffessional retards we all are, it's time for a completely stupid and ill-thought out scam that would be laughed out of the script editing offices of Hustle, let alone The Paradise Club.

[Meanwhile, Snake Plisson sneaks into the secret Phicorp sever room by using a fire escape. When Gwen and Jack arrives, he beats them up.]

Snake: I have you now, Jack Harkness! With you I shall guarantee a place in the New World Order, forged by the ancient powers that rule mankind beyond name, beyond memories. Yes! SILENCE WILL FALL!

[Steven Moffat enters and shoots Snake through the throat.]

Pretty much. Ah, murder. Fantastique! It's like sex with a winner.

[Moffat breaks the fourth wall entirely.]

Did I nae make it clear to you, Rusty? I am not having any of my work being perverted by you daft sassenachs ever again! [points to Jack] LOOK WHAT YOU BASTARD DID TO MY CHARACTER! He was likeable swinger till you sods got yer filthy digits and turned him into... this sub-Angel wannabe! Well, no more! Get yer own ancient conspiracy! NONE OF THIS IS CANON ANYWAY!

[Jack and Gwen begin to speak.]

I - HAVE - SPOKEN! And if any of you try to steal from my franchise, I shall kill you all AND I SHALL TAKE MY TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMEEE!

[He skips away, whistling "Boys and Girls Come Out To Play".]

Jack: Guess we better find a new story arc then.

Gwen: Oh, you think?!?

[Meanwhile, Dr. Juarez watches on.]

Juarez: So, let me get this straight. You turned abandoned hospitals into plague pits, dumped innocent people there, and then sealed them in with a convincted pedophile child murder and let him play with a defenceless little girl.

Jilly: I know! It's awesome!

Juarez: Man, today is sure turning out shit.

[Sarah Palin is taken to a car-crusher and compacted into a cube while still conscious, reduced to an eyeball in a square of metal.]

Juarez: I stand corrected.


Rhys: Gwen! I got great news!

Gwen: What is it, sweetheart?

Rhys: I got your dad sent to the Outer Splot Insitutionalized Death Camp for the Terminally Welsh.

Gwen: That's lovely, but... [blinks] the what now?

Rhys: You know? There are these deeper categories of Liff - category 3 is normal, category 2 is alive when should be dead and category 0 are people to be killed for being complete assholes.

Gwen: What's category 1?

Rhys: I dunno. Keith Richards?

Gwen: Hardcore. We better check it out.

Rex: Yeah. We should. We really should. Just, you know, not Wales.

Juarez: Yep. This place sucks. Let's go to California!

[Everyone runs out, leaving Gwen and Rhys alone.]

Gwen: OK. Let's rescue me da!

[Five minutes later, Gwen and Rhys watch as her dad is wheeled into an ambulace.]

Gwen: Selfish fucker! How insensitive to have ANOTHER heart attack in the middle of an escape attempt!

Rhys: ...hang on, where's the baby?

[On the kitchen table, Baby Anwen has a vibrator in one hand and a loaded gun in the other.]

Baby Anwen: Goo-goo. Mutha-fukka.

[The Southern California Insitutionalized Death Camp for the Terminally Texan. Juarez, Rex and Esther turn up, looking badass.]

Juarez: Right, now to find out what they're doing with all the braindead bodies in those big metal boxes with smoke coming out of the tops!

Esther: And the suspiciously-high carboon footprint!

Rex: ...yeah, thanks for that Esther.

[Juarez wanders up to a flinching, twitchy bald guy with Nazi spectacles.]

Juarez: This is a disgrace! This place is less hygenic than a student flat and all these perfectly-healthy people are being classed as officially dead because you're all such total fuckwits you can't even take a pulse! I am going to destroy each and every one of you, contact the government, make your lives a misery, I want children to come to your front door and laugh because they've found the house of "Colin Malony the DumbShit"! THIS, I SWEAR!

[Bald guy shrugs and shoots her.]

Juarez: [in pain] ...didn't see that one coming... hang on, I can't die!


[Juarez is thrown into a mysterious smoky metal box and reduced to ashes as Rex films it all on his mobile.]

Esther: Hahah! Now I am the sole love interest in the show! I find this good!

Rex: Damn. Not only have I lost ma woman, but I've lost the only likable character in the whole damn franchise who is even halfway competent. It can ONLY be downhill from hereon in...

[In a toilet meanwhile, Jack is reading a newspaper with "RIVER SONG IS AMY'S DAUGHTER" on the headlines.]

Jack: [to camera] I'll be back when something actually happens in the plot. Promise.

[In the next cubicles along, Danes, Jilly and RTD all nod in agreement.]

-to be continued...

Monday, September 5, 2011

Doctor Who - Mark Gatiss' Dollhouse


Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on
Talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing
That our love may soon be gone?

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell
If I am right or I am wrong!
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we
Might fall apart before too long!

We can work it out!
We can work it out!

(N/B: Due to this being the first arc-light episode since Amy's Freaking Choice last year, I've decided to risk lifting the review embargo. The usual gang of idiots will aid me in this monumental task.)

In an apartment block, a little kid called George is having the titular night terrors.
Nigel: What an irritating kid. I feel no sympathy for the shivering little git.
Dave: Yeah. There's nothing scary here. Nothing sinister at all.
Andrew: You know, call me cynical, but if the kid is so scared at night... why don't the parents let him share the bed? Or give him a nightlight, radio and TIDY UP ALL THE DAMN TOYS SO THEY DON'T LOOK SO CREEPY?! These parents are idiot.
Nigel: Oooh! Check out the mum! It's the Master's girlfriend from The Lakes! In a NURSE'S UNIFORM!
Dave: She's probably a kissogram.
Nigel: Who cares? She can take my temperature any time!
Andrew: Preferably with a rectal thermometer.
Dave: The dad is Jim Keats? No wonder the kid's scared.

George's mum tries to calm George down and fails miserably.
D: OK, I get how turning the light on could kill all the monsters... but turning it on and off repeatedly? How's that going to help? Give them epileptic fits?
N: That'll cause the bulbs to go and leave George in the dark. Idiot.
A: So... he puts everything that scares him in the wardrobe directly opposite his bed? Right where it can hurt him? Morons!

George repeatedly prays for help. This reaches the Doctor's psychic paper.
N: Wow. What a surprise. This little twerp has the powers of the Face of Boe. Or River Song.
A: What's this about the Doctor not doing house calls? What else does he do? In this season alone he's answered his own summons, the Siren's distress call, the Corsair, Amy's request...
D: Smith looks genuinely bewildered, like he can't grasp why that line should be worth starting the titles on. Who can blame him?

The TARDIS arrives.
D: Rory's a real prick, isn't he? Stop bitching about the decor! Someone needs help!
A: Why isn't Amy saying anything? It's like Gatiss can't cope with two companions. She's only there to feed him straight lines.
N: Obviously Gatiss is keeping his promise to not let her get any extraneous screentime.

The TARDIS crew split up and searching for George.
N: So the Doctor can trace the psychic signal to a single night, but not a room number?
D: How come everyone has lost their people skills? Rory's supposed to be the awkward one, but they all act like they've never deal with human beings before.
A: Oh, some little girl twins. Whoop-de-do. What imagination.
D: Why does Amy think they're creepy? All they do is ask who she is when a strange woman bangs on their door in the middle of the night and starts asking if there's been "bother"?
N: My, Bunting from the Indefatigable has let himself go, hasn't he?
A: That WAS in 1999.
N: No excuses!
D: Oh, look, an annoying old woman bitching. I bet Gatiss wanted to drag up to play her.

The Doctor finds George but doesn't tell Amy or Rory.
A: Why? Why is he doing that? If he didn't want them involved, he could have left them in the TARDIS!
D: Jeez, I can't believe Moff thought this could work in this point in the series. Amy and Rory are parents but they go on and on about how they hate kids and think they're creepy. Rory even suggests letting George get eaten by the monsters!
N: Fine with me. The little git bores me.
A: I'm more worried that Rory is skeptical monsters exist. Um, hello?!
D: I'm confused. Is the Doctor supposed to be a deductive genius working out the bleeding obvious. He works out where George is by seeing him through a window, and guesses his name by seeing "GEORGE'S ROOM" on a door. And acts like "HAH! I AM THE TIME LORD VICTORIOUS! BE IMPRESSED!" each time.

Rory and Amy get into a lift and go to hell.
N: That's supposed to be scary, isn't it?
A: Um. I guess.
N: It isn't, though, is it?
D: No. Wierd. I mean, there's nothing wrong on paper. It's just not at all scary.

Meanwhile, a little old lady gets eaten by a pile of garbage.
N: Whatever. Were we supposed to like that whinging old cow who only talks about rubbish?
D: Why does she assume George is hiding in garbage in the middle of the night? Is he the only kid on the estate?
A: Maybe she's the "witch" George is scared of and he regularly hides when she's around.
N: Meh.

Rory and Amy wake up in a giant dolls house.
N: Christ Rory! STOP WHINGING!
D: Is Rory a flesh avatar picking up Amy's PMT or something? He sounds utterly sick of everything. He's bored at the idea he and Amy have died! What is his problem?
A: I dunno. He's definitely stupid, though. Eastenders is not set in a council estate, is it?

They freak out finding a giant eye. A glass eye.
N: You think that would be the one thing that DIDN'T scare them, coz of the Atraxi.
A: Maybe that's why?
D: This really isn't scary. The music, the lighting, the fact Amy and Rory are bored shitless rather being scared.

They wander around, followed by dolls in the shadows.
N: Yawn.
A: I'm sorry, who thought this story would be a good one to come right after the OTHER story about a terrified child in a haunted house chased by shadowy monsters who calls on the Doctor to help?

The Doctor chats to George.
N: Matt really has no bond with this kid at all, does he?
D: He's normally so good with kids. Even that one on the holo-phone.

The Doctor lists his favorite bedtime stories - The Three Little Sontarans, The Emperor Dalek's New Clothes, Snow White and the Seven Keys to Doomsday.
N: MEIN GOTT! Is that supposed to be funny?
A: A whole bunch of six year olds hear a thirty-year-old stage play ref. What is the reaction they're going for?
D: It's not like it's going to impress George anyway!
A: This just annoys me. The scary Gallifreyan bedtime stories cut from Vincent and the Doctor were awesome. This pisses over them.

The Doctor decides to open the closet where all George's horrors are kept.
N: ...this is just Fear Her!
A: On the bright side, it's not The Idiot's Lantern.
D: Mmmm.

Bunting turns up. He's the landlord with a vicious attack dog and he wants his rent.
N: In the middle of the night? What's his beef?
D: So George is terrified of absolutely everything except the huge thug who turns up every week and threatens to beat up his dad? What a prick!
N: And the Doctor just sits around, letting dad get bullied. What a prick!
A: In fairness, you'd think Jim "Satan Is My Master" Keats could look after himself.
D: Is the landlord supposed to be evil? He's a bit creepy but he turns up at an agreed time, listens to dad's sob story, accepts being paid later and doesn't lay a finger on the bloke who owes him cash. He's pretty damn reasonable all things considered.
N: Maybe Gatiss has issues with the rent tribunal after dealing with the gas board and TV detector vans in previous eps?

The Doctor scans the closet with the sonic and shits himself.
N: Well. That ramps up the tension.
D: Finally, a suggestion that this problem ISN'T just an excuse to pad out an episode but might actually be something serious.
N: Wow. Reffing "Empire of Glass". Did someone bet Gattis he couldn't make as many pointless injokes as he could this week or what?
A: "You're not from social services". That was clearly meant to be funny.
N: It failed.
A: Yes, but it makes sense as humor. More than underage assault, anyway.

Amy and Rory are still in a dollhouse. Which is creepy. Apparently.
D: You know, I always thought Rory was quicker on the uptake than this.
N: Darvill's playing him as freaking out, clearly trying to salvage some characterization.
A: Why are they scared again? Is it some fear ray? After your own daughter has MELTED in your hands, how could you be scared of anything ever again?!
N: Oh look. Little old whinging bitch is also in the dollhouse, having been sucked out of reality. This is Fear Her all over again!
A: Could be worse. It's not Quatermass.
N: Mmm. Gatiss is really stretching himself.
D: He needs to realize that having your monster walk in front of camera giggling and doing fuck all isn't enough to rival the Weeping Angels. Little girls on their own aren't automatically creepy. He needs to get round this concept. The Dalton twins were scary because THEY KILLED PEOPLE, not because they were identical little girls.
A: Yeah. These "scary noises" make me think of some little girls having more fun in the next room rather than anything evil.
N: Amy intends to beat up a little girl with a frying pan?! DUDE NOT COOL!

The giggling girls are giant china dolls.
N: OK, that was reasonably scary.
A: So... are they going to do anything else? Or have we just got some girlfriends for the Smilers to grin at?
D: They'd be scarier if they didn't giggle at everything.
N: Amy seems to have returned to the story, pointing out A) things aren't scary and B) Rory is completely out of character. Did Moffat script-edit this bit?

The Doctor and dad wonder whether or not they should open the cupboard.
D: They might let out the Gay Agenda. Again.
N: It's sort of like a Troughton story compressed into a single scene.
A: Dad has lost any and all personality and become someone feeding the Doctor straight lines. I'm sorry if there are monsters in the cupboard, opening said cupboard puts his child at risk. Doesn't he have any paternal instinct?
D: He did a couple of scenes ago.
A: Obviously that got too complicated for the writer to keep.
N: Please God never let him become Executive Producer.

The landlord is swallowed by his own carpet.
A: Hmmm. It seems people George has reason to dislike are being sucked to hell.
N: Wow. Not a bit like Fear Her.
D: That CGI is shithouse. No wonder the guy doesn't look scared.
A: Or why it isn't scary.
D: I like the dog arching his eyebrow as his master is swallowed up.
N: Except the dog is supposed to be incredibly overprotective. Can't Gatiss characterize a DOG properly any more?
A: He's clearly very out of touch with pop culture. He thinks Eastenders is set on an estate and Steed and Peel were in Bergerac...

The Doctor opens the cupboard. At length. Eventually.
N: Twenty five minutes and the cupboard isn't open. GET ON WITH IT!!!
D: Oh look. There's nothing in the cupboard apart from a dollhouse. Colour me amazed.
A: Maybe this was scarier on paper.

The Doctor twigs that George doesn't actually exist.
N: This bit's actually quite good.
D: The Doctor only just noticed a photo of his clearly-not-pregnant mother knocking back booze at a Christmas party the day before he was "born". Again, it seems the author has a very low estimation of the Doctor's intelligence.
A: Good point. He was fooled by the Gelth and the Daleks and unable to talk someone out of punching his lights out...
N: Mmm. Stupid Doctors and fuckwit companions. This is what we have to look forward to if this guy takes over. And Quatermass refs. Just saying.

Having twigged George isn't real, something tries to suck Dad and the Doctor to hell while George whines about how unhappy he is.
N: Christ, that's pathetic. I mean, he's not even TRYING to help! And he's not paralyzed with fear, he's just curled up in self-pity. I cannot find any sympathy for him.
D: Wouldn't it have been a better twist if George was real and everything else wasn't?
A: Didn't they do that in Silence of Library?
N: Meh. What good is originality here?

Meanwhile the dolls turn the landlord into another doll. With a dress.
D: Mmm. Could be worse. Bet he gets turned back.
N: And neither Amy nor Rory even TRY to help. Assholes.
D: Did anyone give Gatiss the Last Centurian memo? This is Rory, not Much the Miller's son! Stop babbling in terror and protect your wife, dammit! YOU BEAT UP HITLER LAST WEEK!
A: In fairness, these are all problems someone else should have noticed.

The Doctor tells dad, "Obvious, isn't it? We're inside the doll's house?"
N: Yeah. Pity no one else twigged so far.
A: Again, it seems like the only way to make the Doctor look clever is to make everyone non-functionally retarded. And pointlessly scared. It's amazing Rory and Amy have been able to survive this long with so little intelligence.

Amy comes up with the cunning plan of letting the evil dolls attack them. She gets turned into a doll herself.
N: ...for fuck's sake. I'm retconning this that some evil alien is telepathically making them all morons this week. Nothing else can make sense.
A: Sadly, I can only agree. The author couldn't think of anything else than Amy and Rory being suicidally insane? This is dreadful!
D: It would be better if Amy Doll had the same clothes. She just gets turned into a doll that in no way resembles Amy at all. Couldn't they afford another flanelette shirt?
N: Said shirt being main clue Amy was a Ganger, remember? Tch. Tch. Tch.
A: That's three tchs.

The dolls attack the Doctor, who tries and fails to beat the shit out of them.
N: Again with the violence! He picks up a giant pair of scissors and tries to STAB something to death that hasn't even tried to hurt him! He doesn't even talk to him? Why does Gatiss think the Eleventh Doctor is a hairtrigger psycho who needs uselessly big props to beat up monsters?!
A: ...I don't know. Shouldn't we be worried about impressionable children stabbing their dolls with scissors now? No way would that have got in under RTD.
D: I miss him.

The Doctor works out that George is an alien cuckoo type thing.
A: Wow. A random alien race the Doctor knows absolutely everything about. That really ramps up the tension.
D: And it's just like Fear Her! Except we actually got more info about the Isolus than "HE'S AN ALIEN! THAT'S EVERYTHING EXPLAINED!"
N: An alien child being raised by humans. Did NO ONE think this was a bit similar to the main freaking story arc?!
A: Am I the only one thinking the "giant termites" theory was better than the actual explanation?

The Doctor shouts to George to stop being a crybaby.
N: Took him freaking long enough.
D: So George isn't evil or wierd... he's just incredibly pathetic?
N: I won't say the obvious Gatiss-related gag insult.
A: Thank you.
N: Yet.

Eventually George does so.
A: The script must have been REALLY underrunning this week.
N: Why didn't we see the little old lady turn into a doll?
D: There are three main female characters in this story and they're all sidelined. Amy gets no lines, Mum Claire gets no screentime and whinging old cow is self-explanatory. Even the cameo twins get slagged off. I don't like this.

Turns out Dad once considered getting rid of George, hence George's emotional breakdown and spooky freakout.
N: Rory, of course, has no reaction to the idea of a child being taken from its father.
D: Does Moffat think we're all taking retcon?
A: I'm sorry, after years of desperate IVF treatment that couple decide to get rid of their kid? What for? And if his anxiety only started AFTER this conversation, what did they originally have a problem with?
D: Gatiss has parental issues, doesn't he? Mr. Connelly, Gwyneth's evil ghost mum and dead, Bracewell's pointless dead parents...

For some reason the dolls try to kill George.
All: YAY!

Dad saves him.
A: Meh. What a shock.
N: Just because Dad wants him alive doesn't mean he wants him in his house. Just saying.
D: The dolls can be defeated by being knocked over? And Amy couldn't manage that?!

Everything is sorted out with some unfunny one-liners.
A: Um, so mum's opinion of George isn't worth a damn then?
D: If I came home and found my son had had a complete change of personality thanks to a complete stranger's mysterious actions, I'd want an explanation. But no, Claire is fobbed off with excuses. Doesn't she deserve the truth her son's an alien?
N: Was that line about "the flesh" supposed to be foreshadowing?

Jump-cut to the Doctor's death notice and a garbled nursery rhyme about time running out.
N: WTF?!?
D: Did someone sneeze on the editing machine? What crap.
A: They've clearly digitally swapped Amy's pregnancy test for the death notice.
D: Jeez. Seriously, did ANY thought go into that bit?

Any last thoughts?
D: Well... even given Gatiss' pathological rejection of interconnectedness, Night Terrors keeps up Season 6's focus on the themes of self-awareness, acceptance and family.
N: Pity it's a rip off of Fear Her with a child actor who makes Womulus and Wemus look like Fry and bloody Laurie.
A: All in all, not that bad. I hearby claim this story is a flashback to between Day of the Moon and Curse of the Black Spot as the Doctor sees his death notice and remembers telling George to man up and stop snivelling.
N: Yeah, there wasn't actually a POINT to this story, was there? LKH was about how vigilante justice is wrong. COTBS is about putting greed before family. Hell, even Impossible Astronaut has a vague narrative about the inevitability of death. What has this got?
A: "Face your fears"?
D: That doesn't work. Amy faces her fears and gets turned into a wooden doll - not that her place in the script suffers, of course. And George doesn't face his fear about abandonment, he just gets mollycoddled. By Gatiss' logic, arachnophobics should simply be told "no spider will ever ever hurt you!"
N: So? Gatiss is a moron - we all know that!
D: Yeah. This is way below his effort for Sherlock, which was damn near indistinguishable from Moffat. Fair's fair though, this is the least offensive thing he's done for Who.
N: Yeah. Big props.
D: In a way, it is. But please god never let this guy be put in charge.
A: He wouldn't want the job. Anyone who rips off someone else's script and then needs PADDING could not be a head writer.
N: Especially when he doesn't want to write for Daleks, historical characters, ongoing story arcs or for an audience of normal people.
A: Let's just hope Neil Gaiman takes over.
D: Or Gareth Roberts.
A: Hell, I'd give it a go.
N: Just not Gatiss. It'd be dead in a week.


D: ...hang on, why were the dolls turning people into other dolls again?
A: Oh, that's simple. Since the entire dollhouse realm was controlled by George's subconscious as the place he put the things he feared, everyone he put there would simultaneously be nullified while retaining their terrifying elements. So they'd be harmless dolls, but CREEPY harmless dolls.
D: Oh.
A: Yup.
N: What a dumb idea.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Booyah Bitches (Slight Return)

NOTE: This was written in early August. So if I'm dead when this is finally published, well, I hope you all feel really guilty. This is a review from BEYOND THE GRAVE! Unless I'm not dead at all. In which case this is rather pointless and self-indulgent. So at least it's in character if nought else.

Listening to Carribbean Blue (Hah! STILL can't spell my own titles!) PART TWO! As opposed to the rest of PART ONE which is what I wrote it as. Actually. Begorrah.

0:08 - Oh, well, would you Adam and Eve it! Music from the beginning of The Eleventh Hour! Typical, I bet someone thinks the whole "TARDIS falling out of the sky" thing was ripped off Moffat and not actually a homage to The Evil Dead (impressive given I've never seen it). Must say it does change the mood slightly. I want "OMG! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" not "YEEEEHAHHH! CRASH-LANDINGS ARE COOL!"

0:30 - "I do so hate uncorrected falacies!" HAH! Oh, man, that is clever because I'd totally forgotten that line and was siding with Emma on the whole "shut up you windbag and save our lives" issue. Needless to say, performances of the leads are excellent but I'm arrogant enough to think they've got good material to work with. Full fist.

0:54 - Um, hoping for a bit more hysteria. But I guess Emma has deadpan wired into her DNA. Or maybe it's hypnotic residue from the Master dulling her reactions! God damn it, I am brilliant at retcons...

1:05 - Yep. Much better theme music than the one on TV. Shame, Moffat, shame, you shouldn't have touched that song!

2:16 - That bit was inspired in 1993 on a Thursday when I saw State of Decay part four and assumed the Doctor's reluctance to use a sharpened tree trunk as a giant stake was down to ecological reason. (I misheard "It would take too long to place" as "too long to replace" and found it sweet the Doctor was worried about a tree over a giant freaking vampire omnicidal maniac...)

2:56 - Take a breath, god damn it! Who do you think you are, Paul Darrow?!

3:35 - Very good. Seriously. Trying-not-to-laugh-hysterically is hard to do from an acting point of view. I am genuinely impressed how natural they sound. I fear how the Chip Jamiesons of this world would cope with such a task.

4:02 - Who's brilliant idea was it to put cheerful background muzak throughout a scene where the characters stand around saying how creepy and silent it is?! Did the dialogue about creepy silence not suggest, you know, creepy silence was in order? Agh! Someone remove my glasses so I can headbutt the desk more drammatically!!

4:27 - This is a solemn moment! A mysterious dead bird! NOT POLKA TIME!!!

5:43 - GAHHHH! Jeez, I forgot how freaking terrifying the Corruptors sound... hooboy. Jeez. Maybe that lighthearted music was for the best. For the love of Christ. Seriously, do not listen to these bits in the dark. Scariest SFX since that chirping of the Psirens in Red Dwarf...

5:45 - "What the hell was that?" Emma becomes a literal author's mouthpiece, as I actually shouted those exact same words as listening. Pitch-perfect performance from the Doctor being offhand about this howl of damnation. Very Tom Baker and Matt Smith-ish simultaneously.

6:00 - I think I must have nicked that idea from Lord Iffy Boatrace; imagine The Young Ones doing Agetha Christie and well... anyway, his get rich scheme was for robotic pheasants that would play dead when shot at. There was a good reason for it, but I lost the book and can't for the life of me remember what that reason was. Something about not having to buy real pheasants to shoot or something.

7:04 - The Dover Demon is real, BTW. Well, I didn't make it up. The Big Book of the Unexplained is a real book too, a graphic anthology well worth your money. Ironically, it doesn't actually cover the Dover Demon at all. What am I like?

7:14 - "Where there's water, there's life." By staggering coincidence, this very day scientists found actual water on Mars. But they mustn't touch it. Not. One. Drop.

7:24 - um, that is supposed to be a monster rising out of the bushes and following them. I thought it would be done by fading out the Doctor and Emma, the sound of their footsteps getting softer and softer, then the monster, then the monster get softer and softer. Instead it's like they've gone "here's a soundbite of the monster for future reference" - hell, watch Tomb of the Cybermen and they do the exact same thing for Cybermats in part three. It's supposed to sneak into the room behind Kleig and Kaftan, but no, they cut to a Cybermat for five seconds for no apparent reason, then cut to something else. Tut-tut.

7:24 - Nigel Verkoff back in da house! Nice exposition, buster!

7:57 - And so is Macdon. Hmm. I must have jinxed things by mentioning Chip Jamieson.

8:12 - Um. It's pronounced "waist-relz"...

8:33 - This all sounded better in my head. Honestly. It was supposed to be a bitter, vicious argument with long-time colleagues expressing their grief through anger and abuse. Rather than a surprisingly smug debating society. Note to self, get LJ to stick to just wisecracks from now on. He does them better than long, passionate speeches. And Alexis hasn't grasped the idea of nervous breaking beyond speaking slowly and clearly. The guy's traumatized, not talking to a Danish tourist! I wonder if Maurice is better?

8:48 - Oh. He is. Well, that shut me up. Points for that very-painful-sounding punch.

9:41 - See? Ominous silence. Much better.

9:50 - Oh yeah, smackdown, RTD! SMACKDOWN! You'll rue the day you ever thought of the planet Zog analogy!

10:30 - The Doctor and Companion discuss the best suicide methods. Can you tell that I was depressed when I wrote this?

11:28 - "Things are easy!" Did I mention how much Mr. Ault rocks?

11:58 - "Innit"?! I don't remember writing that! Or Emma going "Oi!" randomly, either. *checks* No, I bloody well didn't! It was the word "right". When did Emma become a Cockney chav? If I'd known that I would have given her some well better dialogue, person, respect back atcha, apples and cockles and winkles, old bean...

12:11 - This joke would make more sense if the birds had been singing. Oh, well, take it as the Doctor being very sarcastic today, I guess.

13:00 - This is all perfect. That is all.

13:35 - Jeez... they really kicked ass on the horrible monster noises. I can't believe that I'm getting scared of a) a sound effect but b) the sound effect of monsters I created who c) aren't actually hostile! Ooh, spoiler!

15:01 - LJ, he can act all of a sudden! Must be delayed shock...

15:30 - This is better than the DWADs. Sorry, but after 30 years the business, they still can't do something as complicated as someone whispering as they overhear a conversation. Darker Projects, you recieve Fan Audio of Fist.

16:30 - Maurice is very good. Not as Paul Darrowish as I intended, he's a lot more self-aware rather than borderline autistic. That last line was supposed to be genuinely confused rather than a knowing wink to the audience. Not bad, just different.

16:45 - You know, looking back on it, making Alexis a major character was a mistake. He worked so well on paper... In fairness to the actor, the dialogue is precisely as written. Except he's supposed to be a nervous wreck rather than having seemingly forgotten his lines. Oh well. I can enjoy Paradise Towers despite Kroagnon, so this shouldn't be too bad.

18:50 - I did this gag before Partners in Crime. Honest.

19:25 - That's a reference to Ghostwatch, BTW. Or maybe Fury from the Deep. Whatever sounds cooler.

21:31 - Heh. Very good, Emma.

22:40 - What? They cut out the first contact joke! Philistines! For the record, after LJ hits the monster with a chair, Nigel would say "Oh, very friendly for a first contact situation, I must say!" I might have forgiven this, except the jokes they kept in were mainly delivered by Alexis. Which is not good.

23:44 - Ooh. Nice save from the actors there. The script I gave them, upon checking, was actually gibberish at that point. So... yeah.

25:00 - "Then talk quickly and be concise." Um, again fourth walling, as Vlyn slags off Alexis for his poor acting ability. Freaky.

26:27 - I'm too busy enjoying this to take detailed notes.

27:36 - Only I would have an audio play about silent monsters and flashing lights.

28:00 - Fuck yeah. THAT is a cliffhanger. That was supposed to be the first one.

28:10 - They said my name right! YAY!

29:05 - I want the next one...