DOCTOR WHO: THE REAL
SEASON FNARG TRAILER
SEASON FNARG TRAILER
I see the pictures, I hear the stories now
All the good times in the days of old
You look around you, you see the legacies
Of the empires that just went wrong
So take your time and open your eyes
You know you might just get a few surprises
All the cheap and nasty sympathizers
Fall in love like it's out of style!
Are these the golden years?
Until I saw this trailer, I was, all in all, looking forward to the new season of Doctor Who. Certainly more than I was than the 2008 season which has since become one of my favorites. My (ultimately entirely inaccurate) critique on the previous season trailer was entirely that, critiquing the trailer rather than the episodes it was advertising. The first trailer hinted at a lazy, direct manner to get people interested. This trailer, quite frankly, put me off watching the show altogether!
And the worst thing is, I ain't alone in this...
"Each time I see this trailer, I find myself utterly disappointed in the new direction of Doctor Who."
"Hm...mixed emotions, liked the start and end, not so much the middle. He really is aiming squarely for the 8-year-olds isnt he, ol' Moff?"
"I look at this Dr and see 'David Cameron in space'. I hope to be proved incorrect."
"The music inside the vortex was... incredibly wrong. I can't quite place it. The show is supposed to be about adventure, mystery, and danger... yet that whole sequence had a 'young adult romance' vibe... ugh. I've been optimistic so far, but this doesn't bode well..."
"This specially made teaser in itself was a bit duff."
"Fie! Fie on this. Is that the right use of the word? I don't like it. Don't like his look--the voice is good though and the attitude seems right. But the look--Sylvester McCoy all over again!"
Are just some of the comments already out on the bloggosphere.
Me: That trailer was awful!
CJ Mason: Ah...
Me: In what ways was it good?!
CJ Mason: It was short.
Me: ...this is true.
Now, I'm not an anti-Moffat-bashing type person. I was his staunchest of supporters pre-2005. But then The Empty Child managed to be an illogical, uninteresting, non-frightening piece of badly-characterized trash which bored me rigid. And then there was The Girl in the Fireplace and Blink which I really rather liked, which restored much of my faith in the man, before it was all systematically annihilated by Silence in the Library, leaving me with the impression that Moff the Genius is lobotomized every time he tries to write for Doctor Who.
I dread to think what Mad Larry the Pirate King has made of this new trailer, because it doesn't do anything but support his "quality Doctor Who is now doomed" apocalyptic prophecies. And Mad Larry being proved right is, I think I've made it clear, second-only to Sparacus being proved right as Most Depressing Outcome Ever. Actually what has he said?
Wait... Stargate gets Robert Carlysle and we get that?
...which is quite a fair analysis.
OK, for a start, this does reveal that the new regime have retained RTD's desire for trailers to consist of new, memorable material designed to keep the leading characters in the mind's eye of the public and they've clearly splashed out a decent amount of cash on it. Indeed, it makes previous efforts look cheap (the 2007 effort after all just had the Doctor and Martha standing outside the TARDIS - wow, epic).
It doesn't mean this new one is any good.
I've had to watch it a couple of times now, since it evoked that Doctor Who Annual ability to make me doubt the workings of my own brain. That and the new anti-depression medication I'm taking made me wonder if I wasn't quite awake, because this thing is trippy and no mistake.
OK. This very... filmic, professional-looking bit of work begins with the Doctor and Amy lying on a grassy hill late at night, looking up at the stars. Far be it from me to seem ageist, but I do get reminded of a couple of high school students passing the time on a weeknight in between shagging alfresco-style.
"How bout that one?" asks Amy, pointing up at the stars.
"Bit green up close," the Doctor muses.
Amy, troubled, notes a particularly bright star. "That one's flickering," she whispers.
"Yeah," the Doctor frowns, "sorry. I thought I'd fixed that."
Amy turns to look at the Doctor. "Who are you?" she asks.
The Doctor turns to look at her. "I'm the Doctor," he says carefully.
"So... you still got that stars-and-stripes bikini from The Kevin Bishop Show? Cause, seriously, you looked freaking amazing in that. Especially with the shotgun..."
"Doctor who?" asks Amy casually.
Just then there is this hideous squeaking cracking noise and the ground beneath them shakes. The Doctor sits up as bright beams of light start to break through the ground in a rough ring around him and Amy.
And this is why, when you see a sign saying "KEEP OFF THE GRASS" you damn well do what it says, OK?!
Suddenly the hill explodes, flinging the pair in slow-motion towards us as a rather lame and camp musical track begins - imagine Clocks by Coldplay fused with tubular bells to sound vaguely Doctor Whoish. It suits the following events like a laughter track in Earthshock.
Yes! The long-awaited Doctor Who/Double the Fist Crossover is finally here!!! Yet another one of my ideas is ripped off by the official series! THIS MAKES ME SICK! GAAAAH!
The explosion behind the Doctor and Amy clears to show a kind of liquid blue vortex, into which they are promptly sucked backwards and forced to shout over the music.
The Eleventh Doctor and Amy guest-star in the sex education film "Where Babies Come From: The Fallopian Tubes of DEATH!!!"
In freefall, the Doctor grabs Amy and shouts, "Hold on tight!" before everything goes slow-mo again and he and Amy turn to look across the vortex at a floating Dalek interrogating a floating blue bubble (kind of like the one the TARDIS is in in the Seventh Doctor opening credits) containing a severed mannequin head.
"STATE YOUR IDENTITY!" demands the Dalek and the head goes from "casual" to "evil thing" which I screen-capped from the last trailer.
Slow-mo ends and the Doctor whirls to see some Weeping Angels floating/falling behind them, and turns to shout at Amy: "Trust me!"
"What?!" asks Amy, understandably lost. "WHY?!"
A Weeping Angel (now in fang/claw mode) floats down towards them and so the Doctor shoves hard on Amy's boobs with enough force to send her tumbling end over end...
Meanwhile the Doctor... um... wrestles... with the Weeping Angel.
This is as embarrassing as it sounds.
As Amy shouts for the Doctor, the vortex explodes or something and turns the Weeping Angel to crumbs of rock and, in slow-mo, the Doctor and Amy drift together.
"All of time and space," a distorted Doctor narrates as the duo grab each other once more, "everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was..."
There's a white flash and the Doctor and Amy are back on the hillside like nothing happened, and the last 30 seconds were a drug induced CGI nightmare. "Where do you want to start?" the Doctor drawls with a disturbingly lusty expression.
The Doctor turns to look at Amy again and then the hill explodes, flinging them in opposite directions to show a Silurian head emerging from the vortex as the cliffhanger music starts, and then we cut to the "OW" logo.
Um... I think they could have got a better photo of Matt for the opening title sequence. Does he wink and smile at least?
There's not really much left to say. Matt Smith isn't particularly good in this trailer, but I still have some faint hope as a) he's not actually got much to work with and b) lying on your back on an uneven surface can affect your breathing and thus diction, so he sounds lot more breathless and nasal than he does usually.
Um... Karen Gillan's very pretty.
I'm trying to be positive, God knows I am, but... come on! This is the most retarded ad I've ever seen! It's like Moff wandered into work one day and said, "I took some bad Es last night, wrote down what happened, no make it the season trailer ye sassenach bastards ye!"
I dread to "analyze" what the trailer (or "trailer") means. The fact that some rather lame characterization (the Doctor is a rubbish god-like being who is personally responsible for replacing stars in the night sky while Amy just looks at him adoringly and feeds him straight lines) turns to a non-sensical CGI fest of monsters and action scenes (the Doctor fighting an immobile statue is only slightly less pathetic that when the statue explodes for no apparent reason, making you wonder why it was a threat in the first place) and the presence of the Dalek seems there either to keep Nick Briggs/the Nation Estate happy or to convince viewers this has something to do with the David Tennant series we all liked. And then it turns out to be a dream. Or does it? The end. That's ignoring the less-than-impressive run-of-the-mill "the universe is a big place" speech that never actually leaves a Welsh hillside - all the interesting stuff is below the ground, not above the sky.
I wanted to love this, but now I'm tempted to wait until the ABC screens the eps - if they're of this poor quality, maybe I won't even watch them. This is bad, people. This trailer is without doubt the first real evidence that the Moffat era could actually turn out to be shit. And I say that as a TV viewer, not a Who fan. As a Who fan, I doubled my medication to block out the pain.
No man dare say that RTD wasn't better at pre-publicity and we should all cling to the hopes that this "running most successful British TV show" PR stuff is simply not what Moff's good at (Jekyll, Press Gang and Coupling never needed trailers, did they?) and the stuff in the actual episodes THEMSELVES is what will be a real success. Cause... otherwise... this is the end, my beautiful friends.
Also, methinks Moff has been reading a bit of Trenchcoat lately. Compare and contrast...