Friday, September 13, 2013

Where the hell was Clara?

In the last fanwank-fermenting episode, Clara Oswald was flung like confetti through history - a million echoes of her living and dying all over time and space, not just as humans but as Time Lords, Daleks and others, each one undoing the evil retcons of the Great Intelligence to preserve Jon Preddle's TimeLink continuity... but just where did she end up? Only a handful of instances are mentioned (and marked with underline) but the rest are left to my sickened imagination...

The Name of the Doctor
Clara is a Time Lord technician who lets the Doctor into the TARDIS after the GI locks the Type 40's door to make him choose another.

An Unearthly Child
The sabre-tooth tiger that bites Za, forcing a moral confrontation betwixt the Doctor and Ian, ensuring the Time Lord gets a moral slap for being such an arse and leading to him becoming a hero.

The Daleks
A hard one, but if there's an explanation for that Thal in the last episode who gets shot by the Daleks multiple times but does not die and instead beats the shit out of them with a wooden plank, then...

The Edge of Destruction
Not applicable. Seriously.

Marco Polo
Ping-Cho, naturally. Tegena would have killed them all without her.

The Keys of Marinus
Sabetha, whose presence stops the TARDIS crew perishing at the first hurdle and has a mysterious resistance to brainwashing coz she can remember shit.

The Aztecs
I'm totally stumped for this one. Cameca is way too obvious.

The Sensorites
Probably one of the nice Sensorites.

The Reign of Terror
Jean-Pierre, without whom absolutely no one else would have saved the Doctor from a burning house.

Planet of Giants
Sammy the Cat, who does not kill the TARDIS crew abd dies to reveal the crisis unfolding.

The Dalek Invasion from Earth
She's the unnamed lady rebel who gets bitchslapped by the robomen outside the saucer, no doubt distracting the Daleks from robotizing the Doctor. Unless that bit's just a flashback. OK, fine. She's Jenny.

The Rescue
The female Didonians who saves the Doctor and then dies horribly.

The Romans
Tavius, who single-handedly ensures the TARDIS crew survives Rome long enough to burn it down.

The Web Planet
That Optera that shoves her face in acid to save Ian's life.

The Crusades
Sophia, the nice little girl who manages to put Barbara in just the right sadistic brothel so Ian can Ace Rimmer her to safety, kill all the badguys, save the prostitutes and get a deep tropical tan into the bargain. Pity no one's animating this one, huh?

The Space Museum
I got nothing - unless Clara's the Dalek the Doctor hides in, thereby changing the future...

The Chase
...nope. Got nothing here. Unless she's Hifi the panda.

The Time Meddler
Edith, who leads the Doctor to the monk and helps him even after she's been beaten up and raped by vikings - a threat the monk would have saved her from.

Galaxy 4
Drahvin 4, who gets shot by Maaga in the flashback and proves what an utter cunt she is, thus ensuring the Doctor saves the right bunch of horny aliens. Look, it was either her or the Chumblie at the end, OK?

The Myth Makers
Katarina, surely? Without her, Vicki and Steven would have died and history changed.

The Dalek Masterplan
See above.

The Massacre
Fuck it, she's Anne Chaplette and Dodo. Or something. I hate this story. Speak not of it again.

The Ark
Vanussa, the only guest character in the entire story not to be a total fuckwit. Or maybe she's the Refusian that throws the statue into orbit or something. I think I've stopped caring at this point.

The Celestial Toymaker
A clown called Clara... who keeps stuffing up, allowing Steven to survive a fatal death? Coincidence? She's also the Queen of Hearts and Mrs Wiggs, both of which choose to die to frustrate the Toymaker's plans.

The Gunfighters
Kate, who repeatedly saves the Doctor's life, flirts with him, and shoots assholes.

The Savages
Nina, who saves all of the TARDIS crew, promotes tolerance, forgiveness, and helps them destroy the Elder gizmos. There's no other options. Plus, the name of Oswin's first love.

The War Machines
Well... in my rewrite, it's Kitty. Anyone who prefers the original should rot in hell.

The Smugglers
By default, she'd have to be Blake - everyone else is a back-stabbing smuggler...

The Tenth Planet
Another one for my rewrite, which would be Andrews. In the real thing, I dunno - the whole plot is about the solution being NOT doing a damn thing and allowing forgone conclusions to forgo themselves.

The Power of the Daleks
Apparently in episode six, a woman colonist gets exterminated, distracting the Daleks while Ben, Polly and the Doctor run for their miserable lives. Good as guess as any.

The Highlanders
Kursty McLaren. She saves the TARDIS crew several times (in an admittedly no-fist-loser way) and even saves Jamie after he gets sent amnesiac back to Culloden, marries him and has lots of wee bains...

The Underwater Menace
The helpful Atlantean girl, the only sane person in the story, is called Ara. As in CLAra!! Hell, look at her and tell me it's not her!

The Moonbase
Clara is, in fact, Cyberleader Tarn and has once again resisted brainwashing - as evidenced by her "clever-clever-clever-stupid-earth-brains" sarcasm and also deliberately sabotaging her own plan by knocking out Evans just when he's taken over the gravitron and, by default, won.

The Macra Terror
Chiki the cheerleader changes her face between eps 1 and 4. That's got to be significant.

The Faceless Ones
Sam "Cleopatra" Briggs. Uncovers the chameleon scheme and fills the gap left by Ben and Polly.

The Evil of the Daleks
Molly the maid, without whom which Jamie would die, the Human Factor would never be discovered and everything would generally turn to crap. Molly's plain awesome, she is.

The Tomb of the Cybermen
Callum, who saves the day at least twice and dives in front of a bullet to protect the Doctor.

The Abominable Snowmen
I say Clara is the real yeti seen at the end, who makes sure people are drawn to the mountains to see the false Yeti and put on their guard, who goes on to stuff the GI's comeback tour in Yonder The Yeti.

The Ice Warriors
Penley. Given it's the 51st Century, he might have had a sex-change. Certainly puts a spin on his threesome with Garret and Clent...

The Enemy of the World
Fariah. Or Ferrier. That black chick food-taster sex-slave who dies after saving the TARDIS crew and exposing the true conspiracy, anyway.

The Web of Fear
She was Anne Travers the whole time, without whom the Great Intelligence would definitely have won.

Fury from the Deep
Maggie Smith, who not only helps blow the whole evil seaweed plan, also adopts Victoria.

The Wheel in Space
Gemma Corwin, the team mum who gives Zoe emotion lessons, flirts with the Doctor, saves Jamie's life and sacrifices herself to warn the others about the Cyberman threat. The fit's so perfect it's creepy.

The Dominators
Cully's the best bet, given he's brave, helpful, intelligent and doesn't consider himself a native of the planet.

The Mind Robber
Um... I dunno... does this even count? I'll say she's Rapunzel, coz she's cute and helpful.

The Invasion
It's not going to be Isobel, so I say it's nameless lorry driver UNIT agent who sacrifices his life to get the TARDIS crew out of the IE compound and as a direct result prevent the Cybermen invasion.

The Krotons
Beta, the cooking-obsessed geek who saves the day by going all Breaking Bad on the Kroton's tellurium arses and has the uncanny ability to be in two places at the same time.

The Seeds of Death
Miss Kelly. We never do find out her first name. Maybe it's Clara?

The Space Pirates
Milo Clancy. I know, I know, but he does keep saving the TARDIS crew from certain death...

The War Games
Russell, the even-tempered resistance leader used to dealing with children. Mind you, it might also be Lady Jennifer, given the different abducted time zones. Half of the soldiers could be reincarnated Claras...

Spearhead from Space
Ransome, who is the only reason UNIT twigged to Auto Plastics being suspicious. And died.

The Silurians
Okdel the token non-asshole Silurian who ultimately proves more help than the Doctor that week. And dies.

The Ambassadors of Death
This obviously happens in a parallel universe, so non-applicable. Or is it? Erm... Lennox!

Parallel universe again. But Petra does a lot of useful stuff in both universes, saving the Doctor, shutting down the Inferno drill, and of course dies for the good of the many...

Terror of the Autons
Phipps. His disappearance is a clue to the Master's plan, and he dies saving the Doctor, Jo, and leaving them the key to the TARDIS, allowing them to blackmail the Master later on.

The Mind of Evil
She's Chin Lee, whose mere presence unravels the Master's whole scheme. She's a Chinese girl, you know.

The Claws of Axos
Actually, what DO we actually know about Pigbin Josh who alerts everyone to Axos' threat at the start?

Colony in Space
I reckon she's Caldwell. And given that the gender of several characters was a last minute change by the director, a sympathetic and moral expert forced to work in a crap job who helps save a civilization... Yeah. This Clara had a sex change to deal with being gay and became Caldwell. Fine. Don't make me watch this again, please don't...

The Daemons
Could it be Miss Hawthorne? Surely that's too obvious? Or is it?

Day of the Daleks
Miss Paget. If she hadn't called UNIT, the entire world would have ended. Twice.

The Curse of Peladon
Hrm. Grun, definitely.

The Sea Devils
Meh. Captain Hart's secretary.

The Mutants
Songergaard, as he saves Jo, cures the Mutants and helps save Solos. Plus: bald of awesome.

The Time Monster
Hippias. He's suspicious of the Master, saves Jo from the minotaur, dies horribly and reveals the secret of the crystal to the Doctor.

The Three Doctors me. Is she the recorder?

Carnival of Monsters
Shirna. Seriously, watch it. It's Clara played by another actress.

Frontier in Space
The Ogron-Eating Testicle Beast of Scrotum Valley. Saves the Doctor in every scene - coincidence?

Planet of the Daleks
Wester, a loner who saves Jo and cripples the Daleks at the cost of his own life. She's a very distorted echo this time round...

The Green Death
Nancy with the smiling face. If she hadn't done that mushroom risotto, the maggots would never have been killed, Cliff would have died, and the world's first gay computer would have gone totally Keith Allan.

The Time Warrior
Hal the Archer. You know that's an anagram of "Clara htheher"?

Invasion of the Dinosaurs
No freaking idea. Maybe that medieval peasant? I honestly haven't a clue this time.

Death to the Daleks
Bellal, who at times is a better companion than Sarah Jane this week.

The Monster of Peladon
I'll say Aggador, especially as BF have revealed the royal beasts are all hermaphrodites.

Planet of the Spiders
Tommy, who keeps the spiders at bay for the Doctor to save Sarah and embark on his suicide mission, conveniently overcoming his retardation just in time to do so.

Whoever it was that jammed the coutndown the second time. Thanks, Clara!

The Ark in Space
Rogin, who is a common-as-muck normal human who dies saving the Doctor and the human race.

The Sontaran Experiment
Um... Roth?

Genesis of the Daleks
Bettan, the only nice Thal who keeps the Doctor going when he thinks Sarah and Harry are dead, entombs the Daleks and even sets up a CCTV of Davros getting fried.

Revenge of the Cybermen
Lester, the deadpan snarky suicide bomber who saves the Doctor, Voga and everyone. Except Cybermen.

Terror of the Zygons
She was the Tibetan monk who taught the Doctor how to hypnotize Sarah.

Planet of Evil
Vishinsky's the only viable option in this one as he is the only character to be in anyway intelligent, helpful or anything but cannon fodder.

Pyramids of Mars
Everyone says it's her hand under Sutekh's arse. Why not? I can't think of a better candidate...

The Android Invasion
No idea. Maybe it wasn't worth either her or the Great Intelligence's time.

The Brain of Morbius
At least one of those Sisters on Karn must count...

The Seeds of Doom
Amelia Ducat, who reveals Harrison Chase is behind the scam and also helps contact UNIT.

The Masque of Mandragora
You know what? I say Count Frederiko. Think about it - if he hadn't tried to execute the Doctor, Sarah wouldn't have been saved, Hieronymous wouldn't have been distracted, our heroes would have been tortured to death... and if he'd succeeded in killing Guiliano, well, Sarah would have been saved a hell of a lot of trouble when he started a cult that would split into a faction run by Servalan and a faction run by Travis...

The Hand of Fear
The Steve Coogan-lookalike who saves the Doctor and Sarah from the quarry explosion, helps the Doctor work out where Eldrad came from and - in the book - gets them back to the TARDIS safely.

The Deadly Assassin
Well, Clara the Time Lord was around. Presumably she helped. Somehow. Off screen. Maybe.

The Face of Evil
Tomas. He saves the Doctor, Leela and seems to be the only negotiator on the planet.

Robots of Death
I'm calling her as D84, the self-sacrificing nice robot. Because the Fendahl can go fuck itself.

The Talons of Weng-Chiang
The cleaning woman that Magnus Greel eats. After all, without her, Leela would have been consumed first and that would make everyone unhappy.

Horror of Fang Rock
Skinsale. He's the nicest aristo there (not that that says much) comes up with the diamond scam, delays the Rutan, and dies horribly.

The Invisible Enemy
Parsons, who dies heroically after working out a solution and saves Marius and his nurse.

Image of the Fendahl
She's a security guard who releases the Doctor from the cell. Again, self-felating Fendahleen.

The Sunmakers
Cordo, the orphaned suicidal youngster who inspires the Doctor and Leela to change the world.

I want to say Tara, but frankly Idas is more likely to be a brave and helpful aid...

The Invasion of Time
She's a Time Lord who helps distract the Doctor, thus stopping the Intelligence from blowing his cover and alerting the Vardans.

The Ribos Operation
The Seeker. True, she's not particularly helpful but she does keep the Graff's forces from slaughtering the rest of Ribos and leads them to their doom which not only saves the Doctor but gets him the Jethryk, sacrificing her life in the process.

The Pirate Planet
Balatan. The novelization even has him die, triggering a revolt against the Captain.

The Stones of Blood
The indispensible Amelia Rumford has a lot of Clara about her... even going through a gay phase.

The Androids of Tara
Madam Lamia, who's death totally destabilizes the political situation, frees Romana and leaves Grendel so mucked up emotionally he lets things turn against him. According to the author.

The Power of Kroll

The Armageddon Factor
The Shadow, who is after all, a reanimated ghost of one of the Doctor's foes. I say it's Clara, deliberately screwing things up to let the Doctor win. Because the only other candidate is Merak and god damn that would be insulting to Clara.

Destiny of the Daleks

City of Death
I instinctively think she's the little, high-strung old art guide who the Doctor winds up so often. Unless, of course, she was, in fact, the Mona Lisa herself...

The Creature from the Pit
The Huntsman in charge of the wolfweeds who takes over Chloris and is nice to Erato.

Nightmare of Eden
Stott - though with his suicidal lust wise-cracking attitudes, he does seem more like Amy than Clara.

The Horns of Nimon
Seth, I guess. He does save the Doctor and Romana, after all.

Claire Keightley, based on the novelization, at least as a hyper-intelligent nice lady scientist.

The Leisure Hive
Nice Foamasi, who saves Romana, prevents a second Argolin war, and seems very fond of the Doctor.

She's Lexa, patterned on a different past companion, who saves Romana and helps to keep the Doctor and Meglos apart. OK, bit of a bloodthirsty bigot, but still...

Full Circle
Marsha the Marshchild, obviously! She gives the Doctor all the clues to save the day and never attacks him.

State of Decay
Tarak. He reveals the Lords are vampires, infiltrates the tower and saves the Doctor, Romana and Adric at the cost of his own life.

Warriors' Gate
The chatty Gundan who explains the plot... slightly... to the Doctor before being brutally beheaded.

The Keeper of Traken
Katura because, like Cameca, is there another option? Plus she dies horribly soon after.

"She was the Watcher all the time..." Nah, actually she was... um... er... the Monitor?

The little girl who teaches the Doctor to count, thus breaking the amnesia and putting him on the offensive.

Four to Doomsday
For sheer deadpan sarcasm, I say Bigon.

Panna - she saves the day, inspires the Doctor, and even gets reincarnated.

The Visitation
Well, it's as good a justification for Richard Mace as any. Odd how the Doctor only calls him "the actor", and never by his name...

Black Orchid
The "Strike me pink!" copper who follows the Doctor into the TARDIS and proves him innocent. Yeah. Clara didn't have to do much that week.

Professor Kyle. Nyssa would have died without her. Hell, without her, no one would have found the bomb. And thus not only would Earth be destroyed, the human race wouldn't exist. Clever Clara.

Meh. Professor Haytor, I suppose...

Arc of Infinity
Clara is one of the Time Lord brains in the Matrix that makes sure the Doctor doesn't discorporate after his "execution" by Maxil.

Chela, the only non-possessed non-Snakedancer to be helpful. Even SOUNDS like Clara!

Mawdryn Undead
...whoever she is, she must be the one that stops the Black Guardian's plan from working. Is she the Brigadier?!?

Kari the substitute companion space pirate who saves the universe at least three times.

Jackson, who convinces the TARDIS crew not to blindly trust the Eternals before they get to him - and who Turlough betrays, guilt-tripping him into a suicide attempt that convinces the Doctor to trust him.

The King's Demons
I say Isabella, as the book has her allying herself with the Doctor in the epilogue and promising to remember that clever boy after everyone else in Fitzwilliam Castle is out for his blood.

The Five Doctors
She's a 1970s girl who lures the Third Doctor into the time-scoop's path, and thus saves Sarah-Jane Smith from spraining her ankle. Hey, I didn't come up with this one!

Warriors of the Deep
I'm going to say it's the Myrka. Just because I can. Note it spares the Doctor and Tegan, and the only speaking part it kills would have triggered WW4 had they been allowed to escape. Any further discussion might draw Thomas Cookson and we don't want that, do we?

The Awakening
Will Chandler, definitely.

Norna Range.

Resurrection of the Daleks
In my rewrite, it's Zena for obvious reasons. Else... I dunno. Laird?

Planet of Fire
Amiyad. It's easy to spot Claras from now on - they're the ones NOT trying to rape Peri.

The Caves of Androzani
She's the queen bat which the script makes clear allows the Doctor to milk her when she could clearly have murdered him with her bare claws.

The Twin Dilemma
Hugo Lang, child-rescuing sharp-shooting deadpan-snarker.

Attack of the Cybermen
Flast, the nice suicide bomber who saves the Doctor and blows up the Cybermen.

Vengeance on Varos
Etta, who saves our heroes more than once by not being completely stupid.

The Mark of the Rani
Luke Ward. Saves Peri even after being brainwashed and turned into a tree. Tough break.

The Two Doctors
Oscar, who keeps Shockeye away from the main populace long enough to die for it.

Herbert. (It should be noted that Herbert is NOT HG Wells the writer but a completely different bloke with the same name, given his appearance, personality and life history is clompletely different - it's all a really freaky coincidence, probably because Clara's distorting time. Probably.)

Revelation of the Daleks
The DJ. You can tell because he's one of the few nice, helpful, non-rapist characters in the story.

The Mysterious Planet
She's one of the underground dwellers who keeps people from finding the Doctor.

Well, there's no way of telling, is there?

Terror of the Vervoids
Stewardess Janet, naturally.

The Trial of a Time Lord

Time and the Rani
Sarn, who indirectly provokes the Lakertyans to fight back, saves Mel's life and who the Doctor categorically does not remember.

Paradise Towers
Bin Liner. Fire Escape and the Red Kangs wouldn't get far without her.

Delta and the Bannermen
Ray. Though she was also a Wolf of Fenric, but Clara can multitask, surely?

She's an Iceworld tourist who helps Glitz save the Doctor from the trap the Intelligence got him into. See, there WAS a reason he jumped off the cliff!

Remembrance of the Daleks
Alison, who saves the Doctor from Kaled mutants - about the only time he's in danger in that story.

The Happiness Patrol
Susan Q.

Silver Nemesis

The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

Shou Young.

Ghost Light

The Curse of Fenric
Ingiga, the Ancient One, who is a girl believe or not, who waits for centuries to defeat a formless intelligence and save the Doctor's life. Plus, she started out as a normal human, so it COULD be JLC under the blue flesh and gills. No one can say otherwise.

Kara, the bisexual friend of Dorothy who repeated saves Ace, tries to kill the Master, gets turned into a monster and then dies. Even the name!

Wierd-Ass Eighth Doctor Story
Well, she's in Florida and stops the Eighth Doctor and the Second Doctor bump into each other. So, uh...

The unseen and dead HP Wilson who saved the Doctor from the Autons.

The End of the World
Jabe. She burns to motivate/save the Doctor, Rose and the Face of Boe.

The Unqiuet Dead
I say, the old dead lady at the start. Why else would she go to a theatre within screaming distance of the TARDIS on Christmas Eve? And what would have happened if she hadn't, hmm?

Aliens of London

Di Maggio. Only nice person in the bunker, saves Rose's life, tries to be nice to the Dalek. And dies.

The Long Game
Sukki. Not even being dead will stop the self-confessed cuddly anarchist from flirting with the Doctor, exposing Dalek masterplans, and using her iron-grip cleavage jiggle to save the day.

Father's Day
Um, does this count? Then I'll say she's Matt, who runs over Pete and saves the universe.

The Empty Child

Cathy Salt, who breaks Blon's resolve and (it seems) convinces her to start afresh.

The Parting of the Ways
The Controller, who exposes the Dalek scam, repeatedly saves the Doctor, and dies for her troubles.

The Christmas Invasion
Um... the medical student who gives Jackie the stethoscope? I admit, I'm grasping for straws here.

New Earth
Novice Hame. I guess.

Tooth and Claw
Sir Robert's wife who delays the wolf by making mistletoe soup.

School Reunion
Kenny's girlfriend, whose brainwashing convinces him to help the Doctor and co.

The Girl In The Fireplace
Arthur the horse!

Rise of the Cybermen
Mrs. Moore. Angela Price. Whatever.

The Idiot's Lantern
Oh, Christ, don't remind me of this one... um, Rita Connelly. Ow.

The Satan Pit
Mr. "Motherfucking" Jefferson.

Love & Monsters
Um... well... I dunno. Does this count? Seriously?

Fear Her
The wierd bag lady who can sense Chloe Webber's shinanigans. This episode is very popular with kids, BTW, so anyone who whines it's too childish can gas themselves like the vermin they are.

Army of Ghosts
Adeola. Not only does she look like another companion, without her, the Voidsphere wouldn't open and thus the Cult of Skaro would never be destroyed.

The Runaway Bride
...hard one, given Donna is the only nice person in the whole episode. Maybe she's the blonde who reminds the Doctor of Rose, forcing him to sort his shit out.

Smith & Jones
Analisse, since she convinces Martha to ditch her hellhole of a family.

The Shakespeare Code
The landlady of the White Elephant.

Jatt the Fox, the kinky lesbian animal driver who dies saving Martha from Macra.

Daleks in Manhattan
Tallulah, obvs.

The Lazarus Experiment
Olive woman, who's death gets everyone else to escape from Lazarus and also sate the bastard's appetite for long enough the Doctor can nuke him.

Riley Vashtee.

Human Nature
Tim Latimer, say I.

Probably someone involved in the 4 things and a lizard.

Chan-Chan-Tho-Tho. Why else is she so clued up about the watch?

The Sound of Drums
Um... Professor Docherty? You know I never realized how many resets there'd been til I did this list...

Time Crash
Again. Non-freaking-applicable.

Partners in Crime
The fat lady what melts into fat in front of Donna, thus clueing her in as to what's going on.

The Fires of Pompeii
She's got to be in this, given that the natives are clearly incarnations of the Twelfth Doctor, Amy, Klein, Sally Smedley and Mr. Scratch... she must be the chicken that warns the Doctor of the pyrovile approach.

The Sontaran Stratagem
Ross Jenkins, the rich man's Adam Rickett.

The Doctor's Daughter
Hath Peck, who dies saving Martha. Did I mention this episode is really uncomfortable to watch nowadays? Seriously, my family were avoiding their gaze every time DT and GM made baby eyes at each other...

The Unicorn and the Wasp
The Unicorn.

Silence of the Library
Miss Evangalista, who is the only 51st century person not a complete jerk.

The Hostess - her name was Clara.

Turn Left
This cannot count, surely?! OK, maybe she's the fortune teller, since she exposes the whole "Rose is back" thing. This means Chippo Chung has been Clara twice. Hmmm...

Journey's End
Caaaaaaaaaaannn! Clara's been a Dalek before, why not now?

The Next Doctor
Jeff, who gets the balloon in the air for the big fight scene.

Planet of the Dead
Praygat the Tritovore. You didn't think it was going to be Christina, did you?

Probably that alien played by Lisa Bowerman. Does anyone care about this one?

The Waters of Mars
The unseen crackhead hiding in Adelaide's apartment who shoots her through the head as soon as she steps through the door. (c) the kids next door.

The End of Time
Could the woman be Clara...? Actually, I hope not. Kind of gross.

The Eleventh Hour

The Beast Below
Sarah the little crying girl.

Victory of the Daleks
Oh, who cares?

The Time of the Angels
Angel Bob, who does after all do absolutely everything he can to make the Doctor kill them all.

The Vampires of Venice

Amy's Choice

Cold Blood

Vincent and the Doctor
The two-headed godmother who gave the Doctor his mirror-identifying gizmo.

The Lodger

The cat that spies on the house for the Doctor.

The Pandorica Opens
Erm... uh...

A Christmas Carol
She's the shark, obviously.

The Impossible Astronaut
Crazy Dr. Renford.

The Curse of the Black Spot
The siren.

The Doctor's Wife
Idris. Before her soul was destroyed and she became a host for the TARDIS.

The Rebel Flesh
Ganger Miranda.

A Good Man Goes To War
Lorna Bucket. "You don't remember me, do you?" are her last words for crying out loud...

Let's Kill Hitler
Professor Candy at the Lunar University.

Night Terrors
She is the merciful being that allowed me to see this three times without taking my own life.

The Girl Who Waited
Totally stumped on this one. Totally. Does it count?

The God Complex
Lucie the policewoman in the pre-credits bit. She was actually called "Lucie Miller" at one stage, coz Toby Whithouse wanted to see her beaten to death by a gorilla. Now, if that isn't proof he should be the next showrunner then what the hell is?!

Closing Time

The Wedding of River Song
Jeez, a lot of unreal histories, aren't there? I'll say she's the cute lab tech working for River who gets electrocuted.

A Christmas Carol
I'll say she's Bill Bailey, all I can remember from this episode I have made absolutely no attempt to own a copy of. Yeah, Moff. Feel the shame.

Asylum of the Daleks

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship
Tricey the noble triceratops who sacrifices her life to save Cleo, Bryan, Rory and the Doctor. Sniff.

A Town Called Mercy
Probably that dumb little girl narrating the end of the episode. Though the barmaid was more help...

The Power of Three
She was one of the Zygons. Not my fault if you didn't see her.

The Snowmen

Monday, September 9, 2013

Remember my B7 series?

Yeah, didn't think so. Anyway, I mapped out Series E and wrote a full FIVE episodes of it before lack of any public sychophancy and adulation killed off my enthusiasm. So, here's a quick program guide.

Short Story: The Worst Day of My Life
Vila reflects on one day on Gauda Prime and how close he came to death. Following the death of Blake and the Federation attack, they were rescued by Zanto, Gamren and Raffelo who were able to take them to a secondry base. While Soolin is given medical treatment, Vila finds himself taking over the group. His first act is to cremate the bodies of Blake, Dayna, Tarrant and the others. Although he has kept the truth of Blake's killer secret, Avon is put in a cell and not allowed out until he confesses where he left Orac.

Servalan, trying to track down the Scorpio crew, approaches Gauda Prime and forms a tense alliance with Orac to discover what happened to Avon and the others after the Federation stormed Blake's base. It turns out that the only survivors were Avon, Vila and Soolin, who were rescued by the rest of Blake's rebels who are hiding at their second base. With Soolin still recovering from life-saving surgery and Avon unstable, Vila takes command and tries to manipulate Avon into revealing Orac's location by letting him escape. Instead, Vila, Avon and Servalan end up prisoner of the Federation team at Blake's base. Some of Vila's team - a psychostrategist called Zanto, a pilot called Gamren and her boyfriend Rafello - come to the rescue and they escape in Blake's escape shuttle with a technician called Lora. Rafello remains behind and triggers the base's self-destruct, sacrificing himself to wipe out the Federation troops before they can inform the rest of the galaxy that Blake is dead and Gauda Prime is now under rebel control. Once aboard Servalan's ship, Vila has her broadcast her true identity to the Federation and claim she has Orac and is about to take over the empire. With the Federation in a panic, they will not be looking for the rebels. Vila shoots Servalan and has Zanto dispose of the body, and then informs Avon he is to be given a second chance after killing Blake.

Short Story: Decline and Fall
Servalan is not dead, but mortally wounded. Squeamish about killing her, Zanto dumps her in an escape pod and launches it. The chances of rescue are remote and Servalan's life flashes before her eyes before she is rescued by a sinister man named Keer, who puts her on life-support. She is mortally-wounded and will soon die, but Servalan has a plan to survive. In return for new of Avon killing Blake, Keer agrees to help her.

Vila has the crew carry out modifications to Servalan's ship, but these adjustments lead to malfunctions that threaten to kill them all. Orac suggests they raid a nearby derelict space station for spare parts. Once aboard, they discover the station is inhabited by desperate cannibals who have been trapped there for years. The inhabitants manage to take Avon captive, while the others are forced to flee in the ship as the Federation have arrived to destroy the derelict station. Vila is accidentally thrown out of the ship in a spacesuit, sent hurtling into space. Using the partially-complete star-drive, Gamren is able to avoid the pursuit ships and the incomplete teleport rescues Avon from the cannibals. In return for having authority over the computers once more, Avon works out a rescue for Vila. The two reconcile after the events of Malodaar and dub their new ship the Phoenix.

The Federation have developed a new weapon, the particle canon, which can neutralize enemy ships. The rebel alliance gathers on an old mining base, where it is attempting to recruit other forces - including an independent mining magnate called Keer who has his own space-fleet. Arriving at the conference, Soolin is alarmed to discover Keer is her former mentor who she believed she had killed. Keer betrays the alliance to the Federation, but then destroys the approaching pursuit ships - ensuring the Federation have been lulled into a false sense of security. He agrees to aid the rebels but in return he gets Soolin to hand over the only recordings of Blake's demise, which Vila has entrusted her with. The Phoenix and the rest of the rebel fleets attack the convoy and, against the odds, manage to capture the particle canon. Keer discovers a genuine traitor, but easily overpowers him - Keer is seemingly indestructible. With the rebels victorious, Vila decides to contemplate their next move as Orac completes the Phoenix's main flight computer: Blake.

Travelling through a dense matter field, the Phoenix approaches a planet orbiting a dying sun. Curious about a crystalline city on the surface, the crew investigate - and are caught in attacks between the invisible inhabitants. To survive the dying planet, the natives have split into two groups: the surface-dwellers who are composed of high-frequency light, and the underground groups who appear to be living shadow. The surface race have developed radiation lasers to destroy their foes while the underground race have created a toxic nerve gas to fight back. The crew learn that the surface dwellers have created a fusion bomb that will act as a new sun, destroying all life unlike their own, but the shadow creatures use the Phoenix as a Trojan horse to penetrate the city. In the fighting, the fusion bomb goes off, destroying the city and everything in it, while the Phoenix and the crew escape in the nick of time.

The Federation storm the planet Langsuir when the natives discover immunity to Pylene 50 and attempt to install a new tactical computer to control their warfare. Zanto teleports to the surface and infiltrates his way into the Federated forces, and learns that they are more interested in looting the planet of its art treasures - as one of the paintings contains a clue to some treasure. Vila decides to aid the native rebels in keeping the art out of the Federation's hands, derailing a monorail train and teleporting the artworks to safety. Meanwhile, the new computer system comes online and decides that the conflict is unwinnable as human beings are self-destructive. Thus, it begins to try to destroy all life on Langsuir. Zanto and the others manage to shut it down, but the Federation - unaware their new computer will try to destroy them - are going to install it on Earth. Thus, the rebellion must overthrow the Federation before it takes place and the computer is able to wipe out all humanity. Luckily, the treasure Avon discovers can help them prepare for that.

Orac picks up a distress signal from Gamren, even though Gamren is still aboard the Phoenix. Over the communicator, the other Gamren explains she is from the future and has been sent back into the past, and can prove it by remembering the "future" for the others. The Phoenix goes to collect Gamren from a cemetary planet where they are attacked by Weeping Angels who live on the planet. The Phoenix escapes with the future Gamren who says that a Weeping Angel is aboard and it sends the current Gamren into past on the other side of the galaxy, forcing her to make her own way back. Avon has the Angel trapped in a box of mirrors, but the reflections begin to turn into Angels themselves. Zanto and Lora jetison the mirror box full of Angels back to the planet they come from and Orac is able to purge Blake's memory before another Angel forms and is able to attack them.

The Phoenix is summoned to the planet Epsilon-Gamma where android and mutoid development is carried out. The eccentric scientist in charge, Algarn, meets the crew warmly and introduces them to his guest, a bed-ridden Servalan on life-support. Soon, she finally expires. Algarn reveals he has built a perfect android duplicate of Servalan and even copied her mind; like Keer before her, she is now immortal and indestructible. With no limits, Servalan activates the prototype combat robots and orders them to kill everyone. By the time Vila and the others have dealt with the androids, Servalan has already escaped and is preparing to run her own coup to overthrow the Federation.

Servalan goes to the one planet no one would look for her - Gauda Prime. Unfortunately, Soolin is waiting for her, but Servalan's newfound strength and power over computers makes her more dangerous than ever. Ultimately the rebels are forced to let Servalan escape or she will reveal their stronghold to the rest of the Federation. Servalan keeps her word, as she wants to use the rebellion to weaken the Federation and allow her to take over.

The Federation training facility uses virtual reality to implant memories and skills into new troopers. The Phoenix crew attempt to sabotage the complex, but end up scattered in different unreal scenarios. Finally, they program the troopers to believe they have won and killed all their enemies, rendering them harmless.

A malfunctioning escape pod dumps Gamren and Zanto on a desert planet. Seeking shelter in a small research base, they discover that an alien organism is taking over the crew one by one - it is highly-advanced polymorph that is trying to uncover a spaceship in the dunes nearby so it can escape to absorb all life in the galaxy. In a desperate battle, Gamren and Zanto destroy the base and escape to the Pheonix, but the creature still survives on the planet and waits for another chance.

Rejoined by Soolin, the Phoenix crew and the rebel fleet storm Earth at the same time as Servalan is attempting a takeover. As an android, Servalan intends to link up with the new central computer and thus take over the entire Federation - unaware the computer is insane and wants to destroy all human life. In the pitched battle, the central computer is destroyed while Servalan is linked up. She is able to escape, but is now determined to wipe out humanity by any means necessary. Without the computer, the Federation falls and the rebel alliance seizes control of Earth, ending the conflict. But as the Phoenix crew rejoice at finally winning, Keer broadcasts the footage of Avon killing Blake across the entire galaxy to prove that the new regime will not tolerate such a crime, even from their own leaders...

Avon is arrested and taken to Earth to stand trial for killing Blake. Keer visits him in a cell, curious as to Avon's origin. Avon explains his father was a fugitive from the Federation who was hunted down and killed by his half-brother Axel Reis. Avon was brought up by his warped mother Rowena, intending to use him to avenge her lover. When Reis killed Rowena, Avon tried to forge his own destiny with Anna Grant and got Vila Restal to help him organize a bank fraud. However, they both ended up in jail and sentenced to Cygnus Alpha. Axel came for Avon, who managed to kill him before being deported aboard the London. Looking back at things, Avon is unsure if he would have been better off dying then.

Avon is put on trial for murdering Blake and is found guilty. Keer, new ruler of the new Federation, decides to have him executed to help cement the new regime with its people. Zanto pretends to agree, but is actually working to find out details so Vila and the others can rescue him. Keer however has fed false information to Zanto to test his loyalty, and ultimately Vila is unable to prevent Avon's death by firing squad. Avon finds himself as a ghost with Cally as his guide to the afterlife; though highly skeptical, Avon accepts that life was not as pointless and as cynical as he imagined and as they watch, Keer sentences Vila to Cygnus Alpha for attempting to pervert the course of justice. Zanto remains on Earth to try and stop Keer from becoming another dictator, while Soolin, Lora and Gamren travel in Phoenix to see if Vila can be freed - even though that means they will become outlaws once again. Keer prepares to use Orac as the new central control of the Federation... only to discover Vila has stolen the key. Amused, Avon and Cally leave this plane of existence. Meanwhile, Servalan has tracked down a distant planet with a hybernating army of Daleks which she intends to use to her own purposes against all mankind...

Hopefully that is truer to the spirit of Blake's 7 than some -AHEMMAGICBULLETAHEM- have managed.

Questions? Comments? Do any of you bastards still read this blog?

Sunday, September 8, 2013

FFS, Spara! (50th Anniversary Edition)

Now, ever since I discovered that spara is an actual honest-to-god troll I've vowed to ignore him in my universe. But, hey, it IS 2013 and the drunken shit isn't going to make it to another anniversary, so for old time's sake - as K. Rudd, the Eric Saward of Australian politics, is banned from a forum yet again - we delve into the disconcerting discontinuities of disorderly discombobulation and disciplinary drunkeness...

The Doctor Who / Ben Chatham 50th Anniversary Special: TIME OUT OF MIND
A title accurately suggesting both boredom and short-term memory loss. Fitting, no?

OK folks, its Autumn and in the run up to November its time for the alternate Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special.
Blimey, you heard it here first! That's the first time the Emperor's admitted he is the canonical minority round these parts. But can some generic Chatham faff (and it has been universally noted Chatham has fallen a long way from the heights of even The Operation: Delta Interviews, let alone Nemesis (i)) really match to a three-Doctor Dalek Time War Zygon Rose Tyler in a miniskirt orgy of Craig Hinton's precious bodily fluids?

For 50 years, Doctor Who has been a major part of many peoples' lives. This special is not intended to encompass every facet of the show's history, rather to reflect its best ever eras and present a story that I feel would work well on screen and be an impressive addition to the canon.
Hmm. Guess not.

Well, let's just hope Sir Alistair Miles turns up.

 My aim is to present an alternate to the actual TV special which has certain additional features:
- a wider range of past Doctors will feature

 Yet all of them will be played by Pertwee!

- a wider range of past companions also

Will these be real ones or just the return of Lin Sang and Adam Mitchell?

- Ben Chatham and Operation Delta
AKA the worst warm-up band since Colostomy Explosion sang "Fuck The Police!" at Commissioner Gordon's memorial service.

- a plot more faithful to the best era of the classic series
Oh, gosh, more evil chemical companies and cults trying to find the golden age. You know, it's enough to make you ask the Teselecta to go back in time and murder Malcolm Hulke and Robert Sloman in their cradles for causing this.

So... out of 50 FUCKING YEARS... 35 TELEVISED YEARS... we get ones from the same 1973 production block. There have been mayflies who lived longer than such a narrow definition.

Part 1 : Death on the Fell
This week, Pertwee stuntman Stuart Fell trips and sprains his ankle!

The rain poured down in torrents, driven by the harsh north-eastern wind, as Nathan Fawley rushed nervously out of Bowland Fell Research Station and towards the car park.

It was a dark and stormy night in middle England... what a novel way to start.

He quickly bundled the papers onto the back seat and drove towards the main exit, as he had done so many times before.
You think he would have got an umbrella and a manilla folder by now. Doesn't he do work online?

The unrelenting wind drove the rain into his windscreen on this cold, autumn night in Cumbria.
God, if only there was somekind of "wiping device" to stop the rain from obscuring vision...

Fawley showed his ID to the armed men patrolling the exit and they waved his car through.
Because no one knows who he is. And despite the place requiring armed guards, no one checks why a nervous man acting suspiciously with a bundle of stolen papers is doing such a thing. Bowland Fell Research Station - good thing it's fictional.

He breathed a sigh of relief and drove for several miles before stopping at the side of a lane to make a phone call.
Nathan Fawley has yet to master the art of hands free.

" hi, its Nathan Fawley. Is that Mr Scott? Ok I'm out of there and on my way to Lancaster now, I should be half an hour. See you in the pub. I've got the evidence".
Gosh, let's hope no one bugged your car as you've just informed anyone listening your objective, destination, name, and your contact. M15 would have taken them all out with headshots by now.

In Lancaster, Kyle Scott put his mobile down and went to the bar to order a pint. He felt aggrieved that Ben had sent him on this case alone, especially as it didn't seem much of a case at all.
Yes, there was little work to do and yet surely it required two of them not to do it. Nonetheless, as a hard-working proactive character, Kyle continues to be the most likable character in the franchise.

Just some man working at a scientific research centre claiming that he had information on some cover-up or other.
Does Britain actually have scientific research centres any more? And a cover-up! Well, I bet that won't involve dangerous chemicals mutating wild-life into unstoppable killing machines.

Kyle took his pint back to his seat and shrugged.
...yeah, that's convincing body-language. I often shrug to myself in public after ordering a drink.

The dingy little pub , 'The Black Witch', looked like something from the 1930s with cobwebs on the walls and a publican with a handlebar moustache who was smoking, despite the ban.
Why would anyone name a pub "The Black Witch"? Was there some supernatural negress in local folklore? Is it part of a chain with The Cloven Hoof and The Throat-Slit Prostitute? Is it a crime to have it named "Lancaster Alehouse?" You think it'd be popular to be a smoker's only pub.

However the pub was otherwise deserted and Kyle assumed that its very quietness was why Fawley had insisted on meeting up here.
Cause Kyle's random assumptions always turn out to be right... er. Well. Skip that.

Kyle sipped the beer and winced: "Tastes like friggin' bog water" he muttered to himself.
Like all lower class chav scum, Kyle often drank from the toilet.

Fawley drove on through the driving rain over the hills and troughs of the bleak Cumbrian landscape.
All the time he yearned for some kind of "windscreen wiper" and wondered if the new Batman vs Superman film could possibly match his own vision of the franchise...

As he rounded a bend, he suddenly saw a woman standing in the middle of the road and he broke sharply.
Tch. Flatulence gags! Is this an RTD homage or something?

The woman was dressed in strange, antiquated clothing and wore a headscarf .
It's either Dot Cotton or a Muslim. Either way, it's surprising Fawley didn't do a hit and run.

She approached the car. Fawley wound the window down: "You could have been killed standing in the road like that" he shouted.
The woman held up a leather bag: "I be Squinting Lizzie. I be sellin' pegs an' cutl'ry. How many you want?"
So, this sub-League-of-Gentleman stereotype (played no doubt by Chris Lilley) is hocking goods in the middle of a motorway at night in the pouring rain. Is this business plan really working in the long-term?

"What? I don't want anything from you, you stupid old cow. If you're daft enough to go walking about selling crap in weather like this then thats you're business but you just nearly caused an accident."
So Fawley is passionately committed to exposing injustice and corruption... but if you're a woman without cash you can go get fucked! Yes, the Chathamverse is not a happy place to live.

The woman laughed, revealing a row of black teeth: "Rude bugger ain't ya. You'd be better to buy summat as old Lizzie 'as ways of making it worse off for yer if ya don't."
Seriously, how much cash does she get doing this? Is it really worth it?

Fawley sighed and drove off, winding the window down.
Even though, you know, he could call it quits and offer her a lift to civilization.

"Mad as a brush" he mumbled to himself. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in the back of this neck. He turned around and was horrified to see the old woman sitting in the back of the car with a long knitting-needle in her hand. "Hey, how the hell did you get in here?" The woman laughed and plunged the needle straight into Fawley's left eye, driving it straight through into the brain. The car swerved violently and crashed into a tree.

How... exactly... does Squinting Lizzie get money out of this? All she's gone and done is get her potential customer killed and all his wallet and stuff covered in blood petrol and mud. If she can teleport, why the hell is she begging passers-by for cash in return for pegs? She could have just car-jacked him... jeez...

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, the 11th Doctor danced a little jig and spun on his heels: "Yes, we're off to see the golden fountains of Lemoria. I like the golden fountains of Lemoria. The golden fountains of Lemoria are cool."
Mein gott...  the Eleventh Doctor! Like he is on TV! Total amazement city!

Clara was not impressed: "I wish you wouldn't dance about all the time when you're talking Doctor. And whats so good about some fountains?"
"Clara, these arn't just any old fountains. The water looks like liquid gold and the mountains glisten with real diamonds and emeralds. Whaheeey, geronimo! *dancing*".

Lo, the characterization be acceptable!!!

"Grow up Doctor" Clara said wearily.

Hmm. Once again, Chathamverse women are either sluts or bitches and guess which Clara is... never mind she is quite used to children being a professional live-in babysitter, no no.

The Doctor frowned:
"This is my TARDIS is in not?"
"Er yes",
"Its not your TARDIS is it?"
"You know its not."
"Then I'll be as immature as I like in it."
The Doctor made a farting noise and Clara frowned and flounced towards the door.

However as she did so there was a shudder throughout the TARDIS and time seemed to slow down to a crawl. Moving and speaking was like moving through liquid tar.
But not speaking through liquid tar?

The Doctor desperately tried to move towards the TARDIS console, however suddenly things became normal again and he fell into the console with a thud.
"Ow, that hurt. Whoe!" the Doctor shouted.
"What the hell was that? Is this machine of yours on the blink?" Clara shouted.
"Hey don't call her a 'machine'. And she's not on the blink, that was a time current wake distortion. I'd know one anywhere."
"What the hell is a 'time current wake distortion?"

A string of meaningless words? Mind you, last time that happened, Henry VIII came back from the dead and tried to repeatedly rape Ben Chatham. So... here's hoping.

Also note that despite having crossed dozens of time streams, seen the TARDIS explode inside out and single-handedly steered the ship into a pocket universe twice, Clara is still totally clueless.

The Doctor gave Clara a serious stare: "Someone or something is trying to latch onto the TARDIS and follow it through time. Like tying your trailer to the back of a lorry and hitching a ride." The Doctor fiddled with some knobs on the TARDIS. "And the origin of this attempted hitcher is earth, England. The golden fountains of Lemoria will have to wait."
Oh. What a shock. We nearly had a halfway original setting for once.

In Cumbria, Kyle Scott was onto his third pint, waiting in the pub.

Thirsty work, all that shrugging.

He tried ringing Fawley again however no one answered. He approached the bar: "Ere it looks like I'm gonna be stuck 'ere all night. Do you let rooms out mate? Or is there a B&B near 'ere I can get digs?"
"You can 'ave the back bedroom upstairs. As long as you don't expect luxury" the publican answered.

Wow, why not blow smoke rings in his face while you're at it? Proof that people in Britain have and always will be unnecessary unpleasant assholes, regardless of age, demographic, sexuality or species.

"Ere do I look like the kind of geezer who expects luxury?" Kyle laughed, "I wouldn't mind watchin' a bit of telly though. Ain't you got one for the bar?"
"We have never had a television in this pub and we never will. This is a local pub.

Yes, it seems spara's got confused. This is Doctor Who, not the League of Gentlemen.

We do have a radio. Since you are my only customer you may listen to it at a low volume."
Of course, Kyle could simply tell moustache man to go fuck himself and leave the pub but, as always, people will accept all sorts of abuse from staff if they provide alcohol. Now, if the landlord was a trappist monk...

AFTER-THE-FACT SPARA RETCON: The landlord, Bill Smith, does not believe in televisions or juke boxes in his pub. He wants 'The Black Witch' to be a local pub for nearby residents not a noisy modern pub full of youths or some semi-restaurant.
Oh, so he's not an evil corrupt being of corrupt evil? This is unusual. I find it strange.

The publican placed a battered old transistor radio on the bar and switched it on. Kyle went back to his seat to finish his pint when the local news came on: "Reports are coming in of an accident on the Bowland Fell lane. A car has hit a tree and we understand that there has been one fatality. The male victim has not yet been named."
Wow. Very local news. That isolated stretch of road must be quite busy on a storm-lashed night for them to discover that. No doubt SOCO didn't notice the whacking great knitting needle in Nathan's head.

Kyle quickly tried to ring Fawley again and this time his call was answered: "This is the police. Who is ringing please?"
"This is Kyle... er Kyle Scott."
"Mr Scott, I should inform you that the person you are ringing, who we understand to be Nathan Fawley, is dead......."

No shit. What a thrilling cliffhanger. No, wait, it isn't. It's thoroughly uninteresting. I can't even find the spite and hatred required to use the phrase "bowel-shatteringly insane" in a sentence. Man, I'm so old now - I used to have so much psychotic anger...

Maybe this is best forgotten.

Unlike this.