Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Wear of Feb

Well, the euphoria and novelty of two returned Troughtons is dying down, so maybe I'd throw in my two cents about The Web of Fear.

It scared the shit out of me. Not many Who shows have managed that, especially 1960s ones I have patiently listened to the soundtrack to - so it's not as if I didn't see them coming. But sweet Zarathustra, this stuff creeped me out. The Yeti massacre which is so violent and ruthless it terrifies even Lethbridge-Stewart, the cobweb smothered corpses, the way Travers-as-the-Intelligence sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic with a tracheotemy... even seeing some of the Telesnap Archive goofs doesn't take the edge off (apparently those possessed by the Intelligence breathe alien smoke... um, no, they just stand next to Yetis in close-shots). The unoquivical destruction of the UNIT dating controversy is also notable, as we can see posters for 1967 movies clearly displayed on walls of Underground Stations designed and mapped according to how it was in 1967, the only reliable dating tool is that it's "thirty years" after 1935. I mean, add to this the lunchbox in the Snowmen and UNIT being formed in 68, there is no controversy. Since when has The Ambassadors of Death been canon anyway?

So, yeah, I was very impressed by this tale. The Yeti have always intimidated me (I think it's because they are the only undefeatable monster in Destiny of the Doctor, and given that most of the monsters can be defeated by water pistols...) and their constant angry howls and sudden silence remind me of the junkie 456 with their moodtrips. I'm also impressed at how closely NuWho has stuck to the legend - not only does the Victorian Values explain much of the Intelligences' demeanor and behavior, the very end of the story has him unleash a prototype Spoonhead for Cliff's sake! Ironically, it's only the web fungus itself that falls short - clearly being superimposed on most scenes and causing a true special effect failure as Lethbridge-Stewart tries to close a door on an immobile glowing mattress not moving a freaking inch. I mean, come on!

Anyway, in the words of my good and distant friend Hashish Addict, one must always laugh at what terrifies you, so here is a little vid in the style of Accidental Death of An Anarchist - like getting the Marx Brothers to stage Children of Earth. Boppy little tune...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Missing Episodes Still Missing

The rumors say ninety episodes were found. The Radio Times were bound and gagged when they said new episodes had been found. The BBC said it was going to make a statement, then delayed it for a week, then put an embargo on the press for another six hours. What were they hiding? Why were they hiding it?

Beats me, given how little they were hiding.

Ohhhh, Moffat...

You gave me hope and then you take it away.

That's enough to make any fan dangerous.

God knows what it will do to me.




John Preddle: And Enemy of the World is set in 2013. Coincidence? I think not!

Magic Bullet Productions: This pales into comparison with our new adult, ultra-sophisticated radio exploration of the dark side of mankind's inner self, Radio Bastard. So, please, someone listen to it. Hello? Anyone?

Matty Knoller: Great big care factor of zero. What about the 200 missing episodes of Countdown wiped by the Fraser Government? Huh? WHAT ABOUT THEM?!?!

Sparacus II: It seems that the lumpen optimistic herd were right
Nicole Duece: This is no excuse, Ewen. You still have to turn up to the wedding.

Malcolm Tucker: That fucking Troughton, trying to fuck up everything from beyond the fucking grave! Ten Doctors in between not enough for you, ya caustic homo? Steal the limelight from Pertwee, but not fucking me, you understand??! Your giddy aunt will be a damnsight more giddy after I shag her into next week!

John Cura: See? It wasn't WORTH taking photos of!

Thomas Cookson: Did I ever mention that Doctor Who should have ended with Web of Fear and that everything after that was ruined by JNT? I did? Well, I'll say it again, then!

Sparacus III: Excellent news sparacus, but didn't you say in a previous thread that no episodes had been found at all? Got it wrong didn't you!


Bindie Stewart-Fitzpatrick: What the missus said.

K[y]Ron(alD) Ma{llet}t: Film and video tape are two different things, and if you don't know what a VHS tape is perhaps REAL Doctor Who might be a bit stale for all you tweens and teens!

The DWADs: Christmas come early for us! Now, for the DWAD parallel of these releases with two Savage stories, please! Portal and The Crucible of Terror?!?!

Philip Sandifier: Douglas Camfield, what the hell were you thinking?!?

Chopper Ried via ouiji board: Pah! I could cut up that wog Salamander, easy!

PeterQ: This is another reason why anyone who like NuWho should be urinated upon and then set on fire.

Eye of Horus: Fan rumours and industry speculation abound about the return of a proportion of the 106 errant episodes. Further updates will follow.

Chris Hale: Huh? Doctor what? Ewen who? Sorry, it must be all this sex I'm getting. Where am I?

Tony Abbot: I will stop the missing episodes being shown in this country!

Miles Reid-Lobatto: Meh. Now, the remake of The Tomorrow People? THAT is worth discussing.

Richie: Right, Eddie! Where is the loot from betting the 90 episodes had been returned?
Eddie: Hah. Well, brace yourself... because they didn't find quite as many episodes as that.
Richie: What? That's impossible! Quick, get down the pawn-shop and redeem all the food, booze and porn-mags we pawned!
Eddie: Right, quick, give me five hundred quid!
Richie: Right, quick, into the lavvies.
Eddie: No, Richie! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make five hundred quid that quick! You'd be lucky to get 10p a go! This isn't Cardiff, you know!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen: Do I look as though I give the slightest shit about this?

Robert Smith?: Hrm. Enemy of the World has 11 reviews and Web of Fear has 13. Bet it doesn't stay that way for much longer...

Sparacus II: Thats rather simplistic sparacus.

Charles Daniels: "Revenge is a petty human emotion. My purpose for you is far more interesting."
"And what's that?"
"Through time and space and bad porn films I have observed you Doctor. Your perversion surpasses that of all other creatures."
"What do you want?"
"YOU! Your perverse desires will be invaluable to me, therefore I have invented a machine that will drainall past sexual fantasies and experience from your mind."
"NO! You can't! It will leave me a gibbering geek!"

The Daily Mirror: Nine episodes of lost Doctor Who return! Also, 8.2% unemployed expected to die this winter due to expensive electricity bills. And ten million to be won on the lottery.

Gallifrey Base: The first rule of missing episodes is you do not talk about missing episodes. The second rule of missing episodes is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MISSING EPISODES!

Steven Moffat: Yeah, bringing back the Great Intelligence doesn't seem so retarded now, does it?

SciFiNow Magazine: Meh. Now, Scream of the Shalka - THAT is proper Doctor Who, you hear?

Mark Gatiss: Episode 2 of The Web of Fear has Patrick Troughton at the height of his powers! Victory of the Daleks is historically accurate! Night Terrors is my greatest script! The original ending of The Idiot's Lantern didn't put me on RTD's blacklist! There is no such thing as Macra!!!

Ian Levine: I deny this reality. I DENY IT!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Doctor Who: Eye of the Storm

Hrm. Totally forgot to do a video for Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS. You know, I've been re-viewing the season, rather than reviewing it, and it's actually much better than first impressions on which I was pretty much relying. Seen again, there is some quite good material and only Rings of Akhaten flunks out with its Garth Marenghi "have Clara explain the conclusion in voiceover over some texture shots and hope no one will notice" climax, and even Rings deserves props for doing something different. Failing spectacularly, but if it's a choice betwixt this and Creed of the Kromon well...

So, when the boxset comes out, I recommend giving it a second go. True, some of the eps may not work at first glance but they prove to be bigger on the inside.

My musical reviews go as such

Pond Life: The Young Ones theme
Asylum of the Daleks: Holiday in Cambodia by the Dead Kennedies
Dinosaurs on a Spaceship: Eberneezer Goode by Shaman
A Town Called Mercy: I Fought The Law (And The Law Won) by Greenday
The Power of Three: 21st Century Boy by Bad Religion
The Angels Take Manhattan: Oh Hark! by Lisa Mitchell
The Snowmen: Dance A Little, Live A Little by Liz Martin
The Bells of St John: Born To Be Alive by some Spanish lady for Eurovision or something...
The Rings of Akhaten: Under The Milky Way by the Church
Cold War: Whatever by Gnarls Barkley
Hide: Ghostbusters by Attaboy Skip
Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS: House of Cards by Gangajang
The Crimson Horror: Pot Kettle Black by Tilly & The Wall
Nightmare in Silver: Hey Sailor by the Detroit Cobras
The Name of the Doctor: History Never Repeats by Split Endz

So, obviously, I quite liked them. You wouldn't like the song I'd have chosen for Night Terrors...

...I really must finish my musical history of B7 project too.

For the record it goes:

Prequel: Valley of the Birds by the Stranglers
Aftermath/Powerplay: Space Girl by the Imaginary Village
Volcano: FIRE!!! by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown
Dawn of the Gods: Clocks by Coldplay
The Harvest of Kairos: Hotshot by "Reggie Wanker" (aka Malcolm McDowell as Mick Jagger)
City At The Edge of the World: Too Cool For School by Fountains of Wayne
Children of Auron: not quite sure, maybe Run (I'm A Natural Disaster!) by Gnarls Barclay
Rumours of Death: um... POSSIBLY going to be The Lion's Roar by First Aid Kit
Sarcophagus: Kiss From A Rose by Seal
Ultraworld: Whatever Happened to Saturday Night? by Glee
Moloch: Mexican Hitler by the Doug Anthony All-Stars
Death-Watch: Even Better Than The Real Thing by U2

Terminal: It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by Reel Big Fish
Epilogue: Little Change by the Venetians

And the completed (and probably far superior) Season 4 goes

Intro: No More Heroes by the Stranglers
Rescue: Video Nasty by the Damned
Power: The Game of Love by the Mindbenders
Traitor: Connection by Elastica
Stardrive: Motorcycle Saint Sebastian by DAAS
Animals: They Don't Know by Tracey Ullman
Headhunter: Every Me Every You by Placebo
Assassin: Jerk It Out by Caesar's Palace
Games: The Golden Age by the Asteroid Galaxy Tour
Sand: Spread Your Love by BRMC
Gold: The Joke's On You by Jocks Wa-Hey
Orbit: 8th Wonder of the World by Rogue Traders
Warlord: Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols
Blake: Pretend We're Dead by L7

Life Ain't Bad

One of the things that concerns nutters most about the state of popular culture today is what some nutbags refer to as the 'soap virus'. This might be defined concisely as some kind of contagious yeast infection spread by Pears soap, but others call it the sudden imposition of intense emotionalism and relationship content on an established genre based concept that previously relied on story, ideas and character to please its audience.

Cor, there are some loonies out there, aren't there?

Yes, there are maladjusted individuals who lie awake at night thinking that cultural icons are being sold out to make a buck. Apparently, corporations see things as franchises and a licence to print money (which, in this growing age of electronic funds transfer, must be short-sighted) and this has never happened before ever in the history of anything. Personally, once Coca Cola can buy the image of an anthropomorphic personification of selfless charity and turn green-clad Saint Nicholas into red-and-white Santa Claus, that kind of set the tone for human civilization ever since. But, these gibbering octopii of insanity believe with every rabid spittle that Doctor Who was the first victim; Star Trek is the latest.

Well, that shows priority, doesn't it. Next time you think about atrocities being committed in the world, chemical weapons being used in clear contravention of everything we hold dear, where a basically tolerant society can become a sickening mysoginistic powerplay as soon as some ranger Welsh bird becomes Prime Minister, and 97% of scientists are convinced mankind has well and truly fucked the environment remember:

None of that matters.

What matters is some twitching reactionary dressed as a smurf somewhere can't fit a Matt Smith episode of Doctor Who into his narrow definition of "science fiction" or his even narrower definition of "fantasy". And anyone who believes otherwise are not literate enough to read Mills and Boon because, as we all know, that is high-quality writing that puts anything from Arthur C Clarke into the shade. I myself can only fantasize that one day my magnum opus The Turkish Shiek's Gynaecologist's Christmas With Identical Twin Mistresses Getting Pregnant In Mob-Run San Francisco will impress my better-read bloggers.

Yes, where was I? Right. So, not only is soap opera bad - because, of course, an entire genre of material is defined by its most awful use; this is why fan-fiction is universally despised because Ron Mallet once wrote Mission to Mondas - but everyone who somehow appreciate the idea of long-running series that feature domestic emotional situations should have been strangled at birth with cheese wire. Now, for these sub-human loser freaks, NuWho is high concept. That's the Soap Virus: if you like modern TV, you are a non-functional retard who need crashhelmets to go to the bathroom.

"Would you," ask the enlightened ones, "rather see a beloved relative dead and at peace or reanimated as a stinking cavader?"

Um... maybe.

That is, it must be said, a hugely-unlikely scenario. It does rather depend ont he concoming zombie apocalypse occuring precisely on my say-so, for a start. But, hey, a beloved relative is a beloved relative. I can look past the odd smell or rotting fingernail. Indeed, I'm rather insulted I would be so superficial, especially as the reanimated cadaver is not trying to kill me, eat my brains or summon Ashgotoroth the Liquid Time Beast from the Lighthouse of A Thousand Screaming Souls.

Yet, it seems that it is entirely rational to compare the Welsh revival of Doctor Who with voodoo magic and/or rage-infected monkey virus. This, ergo, must also be the Soap Virus: the black magic contagion that will cause shows to become popular and successful and gain lots of fans. Sickening thought, eh?

It would be better for the show to be "dead and at peace" with lots of books and audios, which, to follow the metaphor must involve the body being regularly dug up, samples taken to labs by over-obsessed relatives in an attempt to pervert the course of nature and BECOME THE PUNT-POLE IN THE GONDOLA OF LIIIIIIIFFFEEE!!!!

Sorry. Thought I was Terry Molloy for a moment there.

The enlightened ones call NuWho "Whoenders" because... um... er... well, presumably because they want to insult NuWho by drawing attention to its infection by the Soap Virus. They probably also enjoy touring hospices screaming "HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!!!" because it has the same subtle satisfaction and exercises their superb powers of observation. They also are adamant that, and I quote, "there is nothing in the water today that would prevent a properly thought out series from being successful".

So, from this we can conclude the following.

1) The Soap Virus is NOT a waterborne infection, and cannot be incubated in hydrogen molecules.
2) The subhuman filth who dare experience enjoyment for soaps do not watch the BSG remake

Ergo, BSE fans are very wet and hate soap.

Now here the mild-mannered enlightened ones start to lose track of the metaphor completely as they state that DW and ST were "enjoying a slumber". This suggests that they have mistakenly declared many beloved relatives dead when they were just sleeping in, and assumed they were zombies upon waking up. One can only begin to speculate how many members of their own families the enlightened ones have mistaken for reanimated cadavers and decapitated in rage like Tim on speed and twiglets in Spaced.

The enlightened ones state that ST had "a magnificent record (minus perhaps Voyager which only suffered the crime of being derivative)" and deserved a rest because "a magnificent legacy that shines like a metaphorical beacon of hope from the 20th century as we all know Trek was really a utopian vision and the enterprise was a symbol of a unified mother Earth".

Can abstract concepts deserve rest, let alone be turned into zombies?

Here I learned the shocking truth: a being of unimaginable evil known only as "J.J. Abrhams" seized control of the ST mythology from the puny, spiteful Rodenberry and then "flushed it all away to make a quick buck". How exactly this "Abrhams" bloke made a fast buck by flushing a toilet I am uncertain but, given we know that the Soap Virus cannot be cultivated in liquid water, I assume he was ensuring the toilets were sterile.

Of course, Star Trek 2009's distinctive reboot of time and space leaving Leonard Nimoy lost in space in a world he didn't create undoubtedly cast a new light on a 40 year old franchise and we can rest assured that this is not a good thing. Despite what wikipedia might say about it being a critical and commercial success, "twenty year old Captains jumping around on heat while his senior officers have domestics on away missions is not Star Trek."

Now, to tell you the truth, I thought that was very much the case given Kirk bodly came in more new and strange civilizations than Russell Brand in a brothel with a sack full of heroin and some yogurt. And given how nuts and war-mongering StarFleet officers are, having domestics seemed fine.

The enlightened ones now redefine a symptom of Soap Opera infection. Not only will the infectee be a stinking animated cadaver best left to grave robbers gradually consuming the entrails, there is also a "derivative quality" of the final product. Case in point: Doctor Who is 50 years old a month from now, ergo, all its ideas are 50 years old. Ergo, NuWho has "stood of the shoulders of genius and offered little or nothing". This means, of course, that casting aside decades old mythology for a quick buck is absolutely as bad as rigidly sticking to the formula. So, if NuWho and NuTrek are remakes, they are inherently inferior and suffer Soap Virus which in turns now defined as "original material".

Thankfully, the enlightened ones are so obsessive and compulse they need to "clean their pallet and feel wholesome again". This suggests their beds are filthy with disgusting bodily fluids, the causes of which we dare not speculate. Thankfully, this instinct to sterilize their own vile bed linen (which no doubt is the perfect breeding ground for the Soap Virus) is caused by them watching Into Darkness which is "simply a (very) dumbed down version of one of the greatest sci-fi movies of ALL time" and as has been established based on decades old material and ergo, unsuitable for modern audiences.

Luckily, the enlightened ones refused to pay for their tickets because they need their cash for greater things - like demanding "all Trek fans should consider a class action against Paramount for cultural vandalism".

So, cultural vandalism is also cultural desecration and anything 50 years old must be ghastly and ergo prime rotting metatextual flesh for the Soap Virus to animate and deprive enlightened ones of entertainment. But the side-effects of the Soap Virus is "the general intolerance for criticism amongst sell out fans or those with vested interests or both".

Yes, apparently going around telling people their hard-work and beloved material is comparable to rotting zombie corpses being fawned by retarded grass-munching fools doesn't go down well.

The enlightened one himself believes in "debate and free thought" as can be seen on their forum where only established members are allowed to comment and over a dozen newcomers have been banned for stirring up trouble with their persisted and malicious refusal to accept the party line. This is surely proof that those at war with the Soap Virus risk losing their own self-respect if they did not spew well-thought out, genuine and balanced vitriol. Some may call them purists, some refer to them as fanatics and even be so bold to tell it to their faces instead of whispering about them behind their backs. This, we can all agree is extremely offensive rude arrogance and anyone who does this is an intolerant bigot who cannot unstand the basic premise of their own arguments. Such debate and free thought is wasted on this scum that doesn't even have THE BASIC DECENCY TO REALIZE THEY ARE WRONG!

But soon my fellow invertibrates all blind acceptance of bullshit shoveled out to you will cease, and nerds with no brains who can only accept worthless concepts will finally crumble under the backlash from those who enjoy using rape analogies for cheap shock value like "You won't get this sort of lying across the table and taking it up the posterior attitude from Star Wars fans."

Yes, the age of the lowest common denominator and intolerant bigotry will collapse.

Until then, however, Ron Mallet's heart stubbornly continues to beat.