One of the things that concerns nutters most about the state of popular culture today is what some nutbags refer to as the 'soap virus'. This might be defined concisely as some kind of contagious yeast infection spread by Pears soap, but others call it the sudden imposition of intense emotionalism and relationship content on an established genre based concept that previously relied on story, ideas and character to please its audience.
Cor, there are some loonies out there, aren't there?
Yes, there are maladjusted individuals who lie awake at night thinking that cultural icons are being sold out to make a buck. Apparently, corporations see things as franchises and a licence to print money (which, in this growing age of electronic funds transfer, must be short-sighted) and this has never happened before ever in the history of anything. Personally, once Coca Cola can buy the image of an anthropomorphic personification of selfless charity and turn green-clad Saint Nicholas into red-and-white Santa Claus, that kind of set the tone for human civilization ever since. But, these gibbering octopii of insanity believe with every rabid spittle that Doctor
Who was the first victim; Star Trek is the latest.
Well, that shows priority, doesn't it. Next time you think about atrocities being committed in the world, chemical weapons being used in clear contravention of everything we hold dear, where a basically tolerant society can become a sickening mysoginistic powerplay as soon as some ranger Welsh bird becomes Prime Minister, and 97% of scientists are convinced mankind has well and truly fucked the environment remember:
None of that matters.
What matters is some twitching reactionary dressed as a smurf somewhere can't fit a Matt Smith episode of Doctor Who into his narrow definition of "science fiction" or his even narrower definition of "fantasy". And anyone who believes otherwise are not literate enough to read Mills and Boon because, as we all know, that is high-quality writing that puts anything from Arthur C Clarke into the shade. I myself can only fantasize that one day my magnum opus The Turkish Shiek's Gynaecologist's Christmas With Identical Twin Mistresses Getting Pregnant In Mob-Run San Francisco will impress my better-read bloggers.
Yes, where was I? Right. So, not only is soap opera bad - because, of course, an entire genre of material is defined by its most awful use; this is why fan-fiction is universally despised because Ron Mallet once wrote Mission to Mondas - but everyone who somehow appreciate the idea of long-running series that feature domestic emotional situations should have been strangled at birth with cheese wire. Now, for these sub-human loser freaks, NuWho is high concept. That's the Soap Virus: if you like modern TV, you are a non-functional retard who need crashhelmets to go to the bathroom.
"Would you," ask the enlightened ones, "rather see a beloved relative dead and at peace or reanimated as a stinking cavader?"
That is, it must be said, a hugely-unlikely scenario. It does rather depend ont he concoming zombie apocalypse occuring precisely on my say-so, for a start. But, hey, a beloved relative is a beloved relative. I can look past the odd smell or rotting fingernail. Indeed, I'm rather insulted I would be so superficial, especially as the reanimated cadaver is not trying to kill me, eat my brains or summon Ashgotoroth the Liquid Time Beast from the Lighthouse of A Thousand Screaming Souls.
Yet, it seems that it is entirely rational to compare the Welsh revival of Doctor Who with voodoo magic and/or rage-infected monkey virus. This, ergo, must also be the Soap Virus: the black magic contagion that will cause shows to become popular and successful and gain lots of fans. Sickening thought, eh?
It would be better for the show to be "dead and at peace" with lots of books and audios, which, to follow the metaphor must involve the body being regularly dug up, samples taken to labs by over-obsessed relatives in an attempt to pervert the course of nature and BECOME THE PUNT-POLE IN THE GONDOLA OF LIIIIIIIFFFEEE!!!!
Sorry. Thought I was Terry Molloy for a moment there.
The enlightened ones call NuWho "Whoenders" because... um... er... well, presumably because they want to insult NuWho by drawing attention to its infection by the Soap Virus. They probably also enjoy touring hospices screaming "HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!!!" because it has the same subtle satisfaction and exercises their superb powers of observation. They also are adamant that, and I quote, "there is nothing in the water today that would prevent a properly thought out series from being successful".
So, from this we can conclude the following.
1) The Soap Virus is NOT a waterborne infection, and cannot be incubated in hydrogen molecules.
2) The subhuman filth who dare experience enjoyment for soaps do not watch the BSG remake
Ergo, BSE fans are very wet and hate soap.
Now here the mild-mannered enlightened ones start to lose track of the metaphor completely as they state that DW and ST were "enjoying a slumber". This suggests that they have mistakenly declared many beloved relatives dead when they were just sleeping in, and assumed they were zombies upon waking up. One can only begin to speculate how many members of their own families the enlightened ones have mistaken for reanimated cadavers and decapitated in rage like Tim on speed and twiglets in Spaced.
The enlightened ones state that ST had "a
magnificent record (minus perhaps Voyager which only suffered the crime
of being derivative)" and deserved a rest because "a magnificent legacy
that shines like a metaphorical beacon of hope from the 20th century as
we all know Trek was really a utopian vision and the enterprise was a
symbol of a unified mother Earth".
Can abstract concepts deserve rest, let alone be turned into zombies?
Here I learned the shocking truth: a being of unimaginable evil known only as "J.J. Abrhams" seized control of the ST mythology from the puny, spiteful Rodenberry and then "flushed it all away to make a quick buck". How exactly this "Abrhams" bloke made a fast buck by flushing a toilet I am uncertain but, given we know that the Soap Virus cannot be cultivated in liquid water, I assume he was ensuring the toilets were sterile.
Of course, Star Trek 2009's distinctive reboot of time and space leaving Leonard Nimoy lost in space in a world he didn't create undoubtedly cast a new light on a 40 year old franchise and we can rest assured that this is not a good thing. Despite what wikipedia might say about it being a critical and commercial success, "twenty year old Captains
jumping around on heat while his senior officers have domestics on away
missions is not Star Trek."
Now, to tell you the truth, I thought that was very much the case given Kirk bodly came in more new and strange civilizations than Russell Brand in a brothel with a sack full of heroin and some yogurt. And given how nuts and war-mongering StarFleet officers are, having domestics seemed fine.
The enlightened ones now redefine a symptom of Soap Opera infection. Not only will the infectee be a stinking animated cadaver best left to grave robbers gradually consuming the entrails, there is also a "derivative quality" of the final product. Case in point: Doctor Who is 50 years old a month from now, ergo, all its ideas are 50 years old. Ergo, NuWho has "stood of the shoulders of genius and offered little or nothing". This means, of course, that casting aside decades old mythology for a quick buck is absolutely as bad as rigidly sticking to the formula. So, if NuWho and NuTrek are remakes, they are inherently inferior and suffer Soap Virus which in turns now defined as "original material".
Thankfully, the enlightened ones are so obsessive and compulse they need to "clean their pallet and feel wholesome again". This suggests their beds are filthy with disgusting bodily fluids, the causes of which we dare not speculate. Thankfully, this instinct to sterilize their own vile bed linen (which no doubt is the perfect breeding ground for the Soap Virus) is caused by them watching Into Darkness which is "simply a (very) dumbed down version of one of the greatest sci-fi movies of ALL time" and as has been established based on decades old material and ergo, unsuitable for modern audiences.
Luckily, the enlightened ones refused to pay for their tickets because they need their cash for greater things - like demanding "all Trek fans should consider a class action
against Paramount for cultural vandalism".
So, cultural vandalism is also cultural desecration and anything 50 years old must be ghastly and ergo prime rotting metatextual flesh for the Soap Virus to animate and deprive enlightened ones of entertainment. But the side-effects of the Soap Virus is "the general intolerance for criticism amongst sell out
fans or those with vested interests or both".
Yes, apparently going around telling people their hard-work and beloved material is comparable to rotting zombie corpses being fawned by retarded grass-munching fools doesn't go down well.
The enlightened one himself believes in "debate
and free thought" as can be seen on their forum where only established members are allowed to comment and over a dozen newcomers have been banned for stirring up trouble with their persisted and malicious refusal to accept the party line. This is surely proof that those at war with the Soap Virus risk losing their own self-respect if they did not spew well-thought out, genuine and balanced vitriol. Some may call them purists, some refer to them as fanatics and even be so bold to tell it to their faces instead of whispering about them behind their backs. This, we can all agree is extremely offensive rude arrogance and anyone who does this is an intolerant bigot who cannot unstand the basic premise of their own arguments. Such debate and free thought is wasted on this scum that doesn't even have THE BASIC DECENCY TO REALIZE THEY ARE WRONG!
But soon my fellow invertibrates all blind acceptance of bullshit shoveled out to you will cease, and nerds with no brains who can only accept worthless concepts will finally crumble under the backlash from those who enjoy using rape analogies for cheap shock value like "You won't get this sort of lying across the table and taking it up the
posterior attitude from Star Wars fans."
Yes, the age of the lowest common denominator and intolerant bigotry will collapse.
Until then, however, Ron Mallet's heart stubbornly continues to beat.