Saturday, December 28, 2013

Still can't be arsed to do a review. Does anyone care?

Mark Goacher's reasoned and impartial reviews:

2/10. Utter garbled drivel. The plot was ridiculous, the production values childish and the only good thing about it was Matt Smith's portrayal of an 'old' 11th Doctor. Silly rubbish for vacuous lumpen drones.

Mr V.L. Drone: Spara , there's a time and a place to discuss Ben Chatham. This isn't it...
Cheap dig. My point is that 'Time of the Doctor' was completely ridiculous. The Christmas elements were bunged in for no apparent reason other than to keep the lumpen happy, the acting was, as usual, childish shouty comedy and the whole thing was a letdown after the comparatively good 'Day of the Doctor'. 

I did not intend to insult anyone, I thought I'd used rather moderate language however apologies if I seemed a tad strong. My point is that there was little in that episode that seemed fresh or challenging. I felt a strong sense of 'seen it all before', including the regeneration dialogue.

My take on how the 11th Doctor should depart the series would have captured his eccentricity via lots of toilet humor while at the same time conveying a sense of dread. It would have been set in Colchester Castle (Clara wouldn't be interested in super cool Norman castles, while the Doctor would want to go to a Soho club as he fancied "a bit of this") and had the Silence chasing them into a McDonalds', only for all the chavs to turn into Zygons so the Doctor can aside to camera "Moffat must be running out of ideas!" and there's canned audience laughter at the in-joke.
And so the Doctor and Clara run into the next shop which is Ann Summers (because all slinky underwear shops are right next to fast food joints) and Clara repeatedly kicks the Doctor in the shin for drooling and leering over her. And because his shin is sore, he trips into the road and is run over by an Essex Man in a white van. And before a startled Colchester public he regenerates into........ Peter Capaldi with the immortal final words, "Ahhhh..... its over. Brought to an end by Essex Man in a white van. Ho hum. Such are the tragedies of life!"

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Jingle Blogs...

Lo my poignant friends, Christmas is rapidly approaching and with it the end of the Eleventh Doctor. Well, the Twelfth Doctor. Well, the Thirteenth Doctor. Well... look, Matt Smith's finale is shown next Thursday and I feel like I should be doing some kind of honorable blog thing, especially given the reams and reams of bandwidth I filled up around the last changeover. Alas, I am so damn tired. Not in a "sick to death of everything" way, but a "good god, I could sleep for another two eternities I am so weary". There just doesn't seem to be enough time to blog like crazy, especially as no one else seems to be up for it.

Anyway, posted below is another music video - are you sick of those? do you even watch them? I honestly don't know - to cover An Adventure In Space And Time. Now, having been unwillingly privy to some of Monsieur Gaytiss's early ideas, I can at least confirm that this minidoco could have been much, much, much worse than it was. Unspeakably awful and uncomprehendingly bizarre, as bad if not worse than his Dr Who Night skits which - atrocious insults aside - are utterly meaningless and unfunny.

True, huge liberties were taken with the history of the show to make its labyrinthine history even halfway palatable and yes, maybe the characterization of the figures portrayed were a bit family friendly (Mad Larry Miles went off one that Sydney Newman should have been a nigh-mute visionary being all imaginative and innovative while Verity Lambert should have been a chainsmoking Spartha Jones - though why anyone would want to watch two such unpleasant and undramatic characters beggars belief, which is probably why he ended the year with his "I AM THE ONE TRUE DOCTOR WHO FAN AND THE REST OF YOU HEATHANS CAN GO SUCK A HAMSTER!!").

So yeah. Could've been worse. Definitely could've been better and I think the biggest mistake was emphasizing how utterly miserable Hartnell was at leaving when we only got vague exposition of why he wanted the job in the first place. Certainly he was shown to be a patronized, disrespected workaholic who apparently had no real friends, crippling anxiety issues and... actually, I'll stop there because it sounds more and more like I might be describing myself.

Mind you, odd that the Doctor Who Annual (with Zarbi and Menoptera on the cover) came out two years before they wrote The Web Planet. Odd.

Anyway, below is another perspective on AAISAT with musical accompanyment by Mark-Callahan-formally-of-Gangajang-but-now-performing-as-"Cal" (which was how James Valentine insisted on referring to him every single time when he was performing on The Afternoon Show before Delta and the Bannermen).

Oh, Happy December and all that bollocks.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Doctor Who: Today's The Day...

...and it was awesome.

Fantastic. Brilliant. Cool. Impossible. Non-specific term of endearment.


You know, I have to admit that Moffat has lived up to his promise to make 2013 epic. It's a far cry from his "meh, anniversaries, whatever" attitude that no doubt is part and parcel of being married to a TV professional almost as busy as he is to celebrate needless turnings of the calendar. But we've had two brand new Doctors, the return of Paul McGann and Tom Baker to the screen, the chance to watch Enemy of the World on DVD without any missing bits of any kind whatsoever, a half-decent documentary by Mark Gatiss that reduced Mad Larry Miles to a drooling gibbon insisting that he is the only true fan of Who because he hates it so much, sparacus is a nutter wandering the streets, Monsieur Cookson is not even that and Nala Snevets is weeping uncontrollably as the entire english-speaking world refuses to waste a second on Radio Bastard.

It's amazing to think that a few months ago, the Twelfth Doctor's casting barely merited more than a few inches of column space whereas now you would literally have to be blind-deaf-dumb-stupid... well, basically Chris Lilley not to be drowning in Who stuff. Admittedly, it's not all of a high quality (the SMH's "Eccleston is grate and you alls suxz you gurlz" article was clearly written by someone who wasn't a fan and resented having to sit through The Ultimate Guide last night... and fair enough too. Shut up, John Culshaw! SHUT UP!!!), but like it or loathe it, it's going to feel very weird next week not being drowned in drumbeats and sonic screwdrivers from all media.

Of course, it continues Moffat's sickening anti-Dalek agenda where he continues to downgrade them from whatever status RTD sweated blood trying to achieve. Seriously...

Continuity Errors - in his first and only pre-05 Doctor Who work, Moffat notes that the Daleks are pathetic and only appear evil because the Doctor is bigging himself up. Ka Faraq Gatri does not translate as "Bringer of Darkness" or "the Oncoming Storm" but "Nice Guy If You're A Biped".

The Curse of Fatal Death - the Daleks are stupid because they have no noses, or legs, or can aim straight, and are "a bunch of metal gits" who need saving and even give up being evil because they're crap at it.

The Girl In The Fireplace - a pivotal scene takes the piss out of the Ninth Doctor confronting the Daleks by having Rose try and fail to impress the Clockwork Men to be afraid of someone who scares Daleks. Because, hell, what's impressive about that?

Silence in the Library - the Doctor thinks that Vashta Nerada are way scarier than Daleks. Given Vashta Nerada don't kill anyone and run away when he tells them to, this is damning.

The End of Time - Moffat refuses to allow RTD to use the Daleks, and so reveals that the Daleks weren't the big bad of the Time War, just easy scapegoats that never really threatened anyone.

Victory of the Daleks - the bronze, hardass Daleks are replaced with stupider, immobile and unimpressive Daleks who don't even merit getting blown up at the end.

The Pandorica Opens - the Daleks are part of the alliance because they're not as cool as the Silence, and so stupid they let the universe end by accident.

The Big Bang - again, a Dalek is so stupid it tries to end the universe. Then it wets itself when River Song pops a cap in its ass because River Song is way more impressive than a Dalek.

The God Complex - Daleks are listed as irrational fears. The Weeping Angels are way scarier.

The Wedding of River Song - the Daleks are only good for one thing, telling the Doctor about the Silence, since they are so crap they can get blown up by anyone.

Asylum of the Daleks - the Daleks are so rubbish they go mad if the Doctor doesn't blow them up, hell, they go mad anyway. The Doctor can defeat an entire asylum with one sonic screwdriver. At the end, their minds are wiped and thus lose any possible threat they could have had.

A Town Called Mercy - some desperate 19th century yankees are scarier than a Dalek, apparently.

The Angels Take Manhatten - written because Moffat said the Daleks weren't good enough to be in the Ponds' farewell story

The Name of the Doctor - "Daleks" is reduced from the epitome of hatred and death to what the Doctor calls mildy annoying children.

The Day of the Doctor - not only is an entire Dalek force wiped out by a blunt instrument, they can be destroyed by sonic screwdrivers. Oh, and the Time War ended when all the Daleks were so stupid they shot each other and they're all totally dead now. Zygons are way scarier.

I look forward to the Capaldi epic Grudging Contracual Appearance of the Daleks where some inflatable Dalek punching bags are defeated by a passing mosquito while the Doctor confronts the terrible danger of the Flying Typewriters of the Lovecraftian Tapioca Pudding Cult. Which are, of course, way cooler than Daleks anyway...

But yeah. I'm happy. This is good.

And since the bandwidth is on my side, I thought this might as well be uploaded. It just goes to show that the only place the Goodies didn't make a huge cultural impact was in the BBC itself, as Spiderbait cover one of Bill Oddie's antiestablishment chants. For pictures, TimeBase productions whose take on the Cybermen is still, regretfully, ten times better than any other TV version. Seriously, it's like Phase IV is the one story where they actually behave the way they should...

Happy birthday, Doctor.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Good Will To All Trolls

I haven't mentioned sparacus in a while, as frankly his attempts to garner attention and controversy have gone from Luke Rattigan stamping his foot and screaming "I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!!" down to... well, we don't even have a name for that. His strategies to trigger flame wars range from claiming that Prince William and Kate Middleton are fantatical fans of Ben Chatham because they named their son George (no, don't follow the logic there) to his deranged Eleven Doctor story which was scientifically calculated to infuriate and annoy every right-minded Who fan in existence... alas, the fact the exact same story had been released by Big Finish several years ago under the title The Boy That Time Forgot has stopped that in its tracks. His forum is a ghost town where he's had to start talking to himself, while his blog (the place designed for you to talk to yourself) is gathering dust. The Chatham forum on GB has been destroyed and the followers have scattered to the four winds - even their affectionate attempts at Chathamnalia have gone.

But, as Paul McDermott noted, you can't keep a good man down - or even a mongrel like sparacus.

As the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who hurtles towards us in a blaze of advertising, radio specials, youtube vids that refuse to load, and the increasingly-valid-suspicion this might actually be good, sparacus has gone for trying to spark a flamewar on GB. After all, what's the point in unifying in this one-time celebration when we can be screaming abuse at each other and trying to king-hit and glass fellow fans?

It all started with this quote from David Tennant in the Radio Times, when he was asked if he found the decision to return to Doctor Who a tough one:

"No, not really. If the call comes to celebrate Doctor Who's 50th anniversary then it would (be) churlish to turn it down."

Sparacus reaction was slightly less subtle than Ricky Gervais impersonating John Cleese mentioning the war.

Another dig at Christopher Eccleston. First is was a comment at an awards ceremony asking Euros Lynn if he was happier working with him or Eccleston and now Eccleston is churlish. Its possibly a dig at Eccleston's working class roots. The word churlish comes from the anglo-saxon word coerl meaning a landless peasant.

Because, of course, David Tennant is well-known as being a vicious little passive aggressive bastard and his tendancy to mock the weak using archaic anglo-saxon terminology is one of his many unique vices. Why, his response to Dimensions in Time required a degree in medieval French even to translate, as well as a sound knowledge of Victorian legal terms discussing progeniture.

Just why would Tennant reserve this incredible spite for Eccleston, though?

Its because of their history. There was the comment to Euros Lynn. Also Eccleston landed the role of Jude in the film of Thomas Hardy's 'Jude the Obscure' wheras Tennant had to make do with a minor role. I know that many posters don't buy the argument that there is a rivalry and its all circumstantial evidence, but it does all add together to make a possibility.

Yes. For a five second scene, Tennant had to play an upper-class twit in a pub who made fun of Eccleston, who downed a pint and recited a poem that left Tennant looking like a total moron while Eccleston, broody and rite-of-passagey, left the pub the uncontested victor.

No wonder Tennant never forgave Eccles. He apparently sent flaming dog turds to Spike Milligan's house for that time Spike got the punchline in their scene in Taking Over The Asylum. It's also well known that Peter O'Toole dare not leave his house for fear that obscure anglo-saxon might be etched into his front lawn in weed killer. The entire marriage to Georgia Moffat was, of course, a cunning plan to keep her in the kitchen and off-screen where she might steal any limelight from Tennant - and the fact she's Davo's daughter is clearly a double whammy because Tennant never really got over Time-Crash.

And as for what he's did to Daniel Radcliffe, well, let's just say the fact his only other job has been to bugger a horse on stage is surely no coincidence?

I am well aware that many posters don't agree that there was a rivalry over Jude. However I'm just saying that it could be a possibility that is all. It was, I think I'm right in saying, Tennant's first role in a film but Eccleston was playing the lead. The latter received all the attention.

Yes. Because a life-long actor with huge respect in and out of the industry for his professionalism is still nursing a grudge that he didn't get the lead role in his first film. If only the audition tapes still existed, no doubt we would see Tennant going absolutely apeshit and smashing up the place with a baseball bat when he didn't get the role, swearing in fin de sicle Glaswegian until he was given a role specifically to look like a git and be embarrassed even further by Eccleston's character rather than the man himself.

I've no idea. Just look at it from Chris Eccleston & David Tennant's points of view. Tennant wants the role of the Doctor, yet Eccleston beats him to it. There must have been some jealousy on Tennant's part, I would be if someone grabbed my big part.

As ever, you can't argue with either plain facts or sub Carry On innuendo...

Then Eccleston loses the role due to reasons still not entirely clear and Tennant jumps in and grabs the role from him. There presumably must be a degree of resentment by Eccleston of Tennant.

I'm amazed spara hasn't made the obvious connection and realize that Eccles didn't quit - he went into witness protection because every day he found Tennant hiding in the changing room, doing the knife trick from Aliens with a sonic screwdriver and laughing "I am going to be the Doctor after you dieeeeee...."

I do not "hate DT". Not at all. I have no idea what the guy is like in real life. I do not like his portrayal of the Doctor or his Virgin media adverts but that it not the same as hating the man.

Now, given the Virgin media adverts were never actually screened this seems a bit bitchy. That's like me listing the reasons I hate Chris Lilley as a DVD extra I haven't seen... though, yeah, probably I do.

My point is that Eccleston, according to some theories posted on here (not by me) did not want to leave Doctor Who. Therefore he would surely feel some annoyance at Tennant grabbing his role. I also think Eccleston was better on the job as he had a more serious edge in his portrayal, despite the grinning.

Yes, as you can see, spara has literally climbed inside the psychological state of Eccleston despite admitting to have absolutely nothing to go on and ignoring various facts - like personal bereavement during Boomtown! - that may have warranted it. No doubt Eccleston also hates Smith, Hurt and Capaldi for also grabbing the role that was not theirs by right and being such a quiet, introverted and tow-the-line sort of guy, Eccles has remained totally silent for nine years about the whole thing.

David Tennant, however, apparently hires a singing telegram every week to arrive at Eccleston's door and insult him personally with a giant inflatable banana.

No I am not trolling. I am just speculating. I do not claim to be the font of all wisdom.

A personal idol of the Royal Family at Windsor, yes, but not the font of all wisdom.

Yet, in fairness to spara, he does NOT believe Olag Gan is a cat-strangling sex killer - so his grip on reality is five times stronger than Nala Snevets who is still reeling from the idea that Paul McGann actually played the Doctor, as PMG is too much of a wussy-no-fist-coward to ever do that...

Monday, November 11, 2013

Spoilaz, bitch!


Seriously, compare and contrast with 1993 and 2003. This is gonna rock.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Wear of Feb

Well, the euphoria and novelty of two returned Troughtons is dying down, so maybe I'd throw in my two cents about The Web of Fear.

It scared the shit out of me. Not many Who shows have managed that, especially 1960s ones I have patiently listened to the soundtrack to - so it's not as if I didn't see them coming. But sweet Zarathustra, this stuff creeped me out. The Yeti massacre which is so violent and ruthless it terrifies even Lethbridge-Stewart, the cobweb smothered corpses, the way Travers-as-the-Intelligence sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic with a tracheotemy... even seeing some of the Telesnap Archive goofs doesn't take the edge off (apparently those possessed by the Intelligence breathe alien smoke... um, no, they just stand next to Yetis in close-shots). The unoquivical destruction of the UNIT dating controversy is also notable, as we can see posters for 1967 movies clearly displayed on walls of Underground Stations designed and mapped according to how it was in 1967, the only reliable dating tool is that it's "thirty years" after 1935. I mean, add to this the lunchbox in the Snowmen and UNIT being formed in 68, there is no controversy. Since when has The Ambassadors of Death been canon anyway?

So, yeah, I was very impressed by this tale. The Yeti have always intimidated me (I think it's because they are the only undefeatable monster in Destiny of the Doctor, and given that most of the monsters can be defeated by water pistols...) and their constant angry howls and sudden silence remind me of the junkie 456 with their moodtrips. I'm also impressed at how closely NuWho has stuck to the legend - not only does the Victorian Values explain much of the Intelligences' demeanor and behavior, the very end of the story has him unleash a prototype Spoonhead for Cliff's sake! Ironically, it's only the web fungus itself that falls short - clearly being superimposed on most scenes and causing a true special effect failure as Lethbridge-Stewart tries to close a door on an immobile glowing mattress not moving a freaking inch. I mean, come on!

Anyway, in the words of my good and distant friend Hashish Addict, one must always laugh at what terrifies you, so here is a little vid in the style of Accidental Death of An Anarchist - like getting the Marx Brothers to stage Children of Earth. Boppy little tune...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Missing Episodes Still Missing

The rumors say ninety episodes were found. The Radio Times were bound and gagged when they said new episodes had been found. The BBC said it was going to make a statement, then delayed it for a week, then put an embargo on the press for another six hours. What were they hiding? Why were they hiding it?

Beats me, given how little they were hiding.

Ohhhh, Moffat...

You gave me hope and then you take it away.

That's enough to make any fan dangerous.

God knows what it will do to me.




John Preddle: And Enemy of the World is set in 2013. Coincidence? I think not!

Magic Bullet Productions: This pales into comparison with our new adult, ultra-sophisticated radio exploration of the dark side of mankind's inner self, Radio Bastard. So, please, someone listen to it. Hello? Anyone?

Matty Knoller: Great big care factor of zero. What about the 200 missing episodes of Countdown wiped by the Fraser Government? Huh? WHAT ABOUT THEM?!?!

Sparacus II: It seems that the lumpen optimistic herd were right
Nicole Duece: This is no excuse, Ewen. You still have to turn up to the wedding.

Malcolm Tucker: That fucking Troughton, trying to fuck up everything from beyond the fucking grave! Ten Doctors in between not enough for you, ya caustic homo? Steal the limelight from Pertwee, but not fucking me, you understand??! Your giddy aunt will be a damnsight more giddy after I shag her into next week!

John Cura: See? It wasn't WORTH taking photos of!

Thomas Cookson: Did I ever mention that Doctor Who should have ended with Web of Fear and that everything after that was ruined by JNT? I did? Well, I'll say it again, then!

Sparacus III: Excellent news sparacus, but didn't you say in a previous thread that no episodes had been found at all? Got it wrong didn't you!


Bindie Stewart-Fitzpatrick: What the missus said.

K[y]Ron(alD) Ma{llet}t: Film and video tape are two different things, and if you don't know what a VHS tape is perhaps REAL Doctor Who might be a bit stale for all you tweens and teens!

The DWADs: Christmas come early for us! Now, for the DWAD parallel of these releases with two Savage stories, please! Portal and The Crucible of Terror?!?!

Philip Sandifier: Douglas Camfield, what the hell were you thinking?!?

Chopper Ried via ouiji board: Pah! I could cut up that wog Salamander, easy!

PeterQ: This is another reason why anyone who like NuWho should be urinated upon and then set on fire.

Eye of Horus: Fan rumours and industry speculation abound about the return of a proportion of the 106 errant episodes. Further updates will follow.

Chris Hale: Huh? Doctor what? Ewen who? Sorry, it must be all this sex I'm getting. Where am I?

Tony Abbot: I will stop the missing episodes being shown in this country!

Miles Reid-Lobatto: Meh. Now, the remake of The Tomorrow People? THAT is worth discussing.

Richie: Right, Eddie! Where is the loot from betting the 90 episodes had been returned?
Eddie: Hah. Well, brace yourself... because they didn't find quite as many episodes as that.
Richie: What? That's impossible! Quick, get down the pawn-shop and redeem all the food, booze and porn-mags we pawned!
Eddie: Right, quick, give me five hundred quid!
Richie: Right, quick, into the lavvies.
Eddie: No, Richie! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make five hundred quid that quick! You'd be lucky to get 10p a go! This isn't Cardiff, you know!

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen: Do I look as though I give the slightest shit about this?

Robert Smith?: Hrm. Enemy of the World has 11 reviews and Web of Fear has 13. Bet it doesn't stay that way for much longer...

Sparacus II: Thats rather simplistic sparacus.

Charles Daniels: "Revenge is a petty human emotion. My purpose for you is far more interesting."
"And what's that?"
"Through time and space and bad porn films I have observed you Doctor. Your perversion surpasses that of all other creatures."
"What do you want?"
"YOU! Your perverse desires will be invaluable to me, therefore I have invented a machine that will drainall past sexual fantasies and experience from your mind."
"NO! You can't! It will leave me a gibbering geek!"

The Daily Mirror: Nine episodes of lost Doctor Who return! Also, 8.2% unemployed expected to die this winter due to expensive electricity bills. And ten million to be won on the lottery.

Gallifrey Base: The first rule of missing episodes is you do not talk about missing episodes. The second rule of missing episodes is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MISSING EPISODES!

Steven Moffat: Yeah, bringing back the Great Intelligence doesn't seem so retarded now, does it?

SciFiNow Magazine: Meh. Now, Scream of the Shalka - THAT is proper Doctor Who, you hear?

Mark Gatiss: Episode 2 of The Web of Fear has Patrick Troughton at the height of his powers! Victory of the Daleks is historically accurate! Night Terrors is my greatest script! The original ending of The Idiot's Lantern didn't put me on RTD's blacklist! There is no such thing as Macra!!!

Ian Levine: I deny this reality. I DENY IT!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Doctor Who: Eye of the Storm

Hrm. Totally forgot to do a video for Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS. You know, I've been re-viewing the season, rather than reviewing it, and it's actually much better than first impressions on which I was pretty much relying. Seen again, there is some quite good material and only Rings of Akhaten flunks out with its Garth Marenghi "have Clara explain the conclusion in voiceover over some texture shots and hope no one will notice" climax, and even Rings deserves props for doing something different. Failing spectacularly, but if it's a choice betwixt this and Creed of the Kromon well...

So, when the boxset comes out, I recommend giving it a second go. True, some of the eps may not work at first glance but they prove to be bigger on the inside.

My musical reviews go as such

Pond Life: The Young Ones theme
Asylum of the Daleks: Holiday in Cambodia by the Dead Kennedies
Dinosaurs on a Spaceship: Eberneezer Goode by Shaman
A Town Called Mercy: I Fought The Law (And The Law Won) by Greenday
The Power of Three: 21st Century Boy by Bad Religion
The Angels Take Manhattan: Oh Hark! by Lisa Mitchell
The Snowmen: Dance A Little, Live A Little by Liz Martin
The Bells of St John: Born To Be Alive by some Spanish lady for Eurovision or something...
The Rings of Akhaten: Under The Milky Way by the Church
Cold War: Whatever by Gnarls Barkley
Hide: Ghostbusters by Attaboy Skip
Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS: House of Cards by Gangajang
The Crimson Horror: Pot Kettle Black by Tilly & The Wall
Nightmare in Silver: Hey Sailor by the Detroit Cobras
The Name of the Doctor: History Never Repeats by Split Endz

So, obviously, I quite liked them. You wouldn't like the song I'd have chosen for Night Terrors...

...I really must finish my musical history of B7 project too.

For the record it goes:

Prequel: Valley of the Birds by the Stranglers
Aftermath/Powerplay: Space Girl by the Imaginary Village
Volcano: FIRE!!! by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown
Dawn of the Gods: Clocks by Coldplay
The Harvest of Kairos: Hotshot by "Reggie Wanker" (aka Malcolm McDowell as Mick Jagger)
City At The Edge of the World: Too Cool For School by Fountains of Wayne
Children of Auron: not quite sure, maybe Run (I'm A Natural Disaster!) by Gnarls Barclay
Rumours of Death: um... POSSIBLY going to be The Lion's Roar by First Aid Kit
Sarcophagus: Kiss From A Rose by Seal
Ultraworld: Whatever Happened to Saturday Night? by Glee
Moloch: Mexican Hitler by the Doug Anthony All-Stars
Death-Watch: Even Better Than The Real Thing by U2

Terminal: It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by Reel Big Fish
Epilogue: Little Change by the Venetians

And the completed (and probably far superior) Season 4 goes

Intro: No More Heroes by the Stranglers
Rescue: Video Nasty by the Damned
Power: The Game of Love by the Mindbenders
Traitor: Connection by Elastica
Stardrive: Motorcycle Saint Sebastian by DAAS
Animals: They Don't Know by Tracey Ullman
Headhunter: Every Me Every You by Placebo
Assassin: Jerk It Out by Caesar's Palace
Games: The Golden Age by the Asteroid Galaxy Tour
Sand: Spread Your Love by BRMC
Gold: The Joke's On You by Jocks Wa-Hey
Orbit: 8th Wonder of the World by Rogue Traders
Warlord: Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols
Blake: Pretend We're Dead by L7

Life Ain't Bad

One of the things that concerns nutters most about the state of popular culture today is what some nutbags refer to as the 'soap virus'. This might be defined concisely as some kind of contagious yeast infection spread by Pears soap, but others call it the sudden imposition of intense emotionalism and relationship content on an established genre based concept that previously relied on story, ideas and character to please its audience.

Cor, there are some loonies out there, aren't there?

Yes, there are maladjusted individuals who lie awake at night thinking that cultural icons are being sold out to make a buck. Apparently, corporations see things as franchises and a licence to print money (which, in this growing age of electronic funds transfer, must be short-sighted) and this has never happened before ever in the history of anything. Personally, once Coca Cola can buy the image of an anthropomorphic personification of selfless charity and turn green-clad Saint Nicholas into red-and-white Santa Claus, that kind of set the tone for human civilization ever since. But, these gibbering octopii of insanity believe with every rabid spittle that Doctor Who was the first victim; Star Trek is the latest.

Well, that shows priority, doesn't it. Next time you think about atrocities being committed in the world, chemical weapons being used in clear contravention of everything we hold dear, where a basically tolerant society can become a sickening mysoginistic powerplay as soon as some ranger Welsh bird becomes Prime Minister, and 97% of scientists are convinced mankind has well and truly fucked the environment remember:

None of that matters.

What matters is some twitching reactionary dressed as a smurf somewhere can't fit a Matt Smith episode of Doctor Who into his narrow definition of "science fiction" or his even narrower definition of "fantasy". And anyone who believes otherwise are not literate enough to read Mills and Boon because, as we all know, that is high-quality writing that puts anything from Arthur C Clarke into the shade. I myself can only fantasize that one day my magnum opus The Turkish Shiek's Gynaecologist's Christmas With Identical Twin Mistresses Getting Pregnant In Mob-Run San Francisco will impress my better-read bloggers.

Yes, where was I? Right. So, not only is soap opera bad - because, of course, an entire genre of material is defined by its most awful use; this is why fan-fiction is universally despised because Ron Mallet once wrote Mission to Mondas - but everyone who somehow appreciate the idea of long-running series that feature domestic emotional situations should have been strangled at birth with cheese wire. Now, for these sub-human loser freaks, NuWho is high concept. That's the Soap Virus: if you like modern TV, you are a non-functional retard who need crashhelmets to go to the bathroom.

"Would you," ask the enlightened ones, "rather see a beloved relative dead and at peace or reanimated as a stinking cavader?"

Um... maybe.

That is, it must be said, a hugely-unlikely scenario. It does rather depend ont he concoming zombie apocalypse occuring precisely on my say-so, for a start. But, hey, a beloved relative is a beloved relative. I can look past the odd smell or rotting fingernail. Indeed, I'm rather insulted I would be so superficial, especially as the reanimated cadaver is not trying to kill me, eat my brains or summon Ashgotoroth the Liquid Time Beast from the Lighthouse of A Thousand Screaming Souls.

Yet, it seems that it is entirely rational to compare the Welsh revival of Doctor Who with voodoo magic and/or rage-infected monkey virus. This, ergo, must also be the Soap Virus: the black magic contagion that will cause shows to become popular and successful and gain lots of fans. Sickening thought, eh?

It would be better for the show to be "dead and at peace" with lots of books and audios, which, to follow the metaphor must involve the body being regularly dug up, samples taken to labs by over-obsessed relatives in an attempt to pervert the course of nature and BECOME THE PUNT-POLE IN THE GONDOLA OF LIIIIIIIFFFEEE!!!!

Sorry. Thought I was Terry Molloy for a moment there.

The enlightened ones call NuWho "Whoenders" because... um... er... well, presumably because they want to insult NuWho by drawing attention to its infection by the Soap Virus. They probably also enjoy touring hospices screaming "HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!!!" because it has the same subtle satisfaction and exercises their superb powers of observation. They also are adamant that, and I quote, "there is nothing in the water today that would prevent a properly thought out series from being successful".

So, from this we can conclude the following.

1) The Soap Virus is NOT a waterborne infection, and cannot be incubated in hydrogen molecules.
2) The subhuman filth who dare experience enjoyment for soaps do not watch the BSG remake

Ergo, BSE fans are very wet and hate soap.

Now here the mild-mannered enlightened ones start to lose track of the metaphor completely as they state that DW and ST were "enjoying a slumber". This suggests that they have mistakenly declared many beloved relatives dead when they were just sleeping in, and assumed they were zombies upon waking up. One can only begin to speculate how many members of their own families the enlightened ones have mistaken for reanimated cadavers and decapitated in rage like Tim on speed and twiglets in Spaced.

The enlightened ones state that ST had "a magnificent record (minus perhaps Voyager which only suffered the crime of being derivative)" and deserved a rest because "a magnificent legacy that shines like a metaphorical beacon of hope from the 20th century as we all know Trek was really a utopian vision and the enterprise was a symbol of a unified mother Earth".

Can abstract concepts deserve rest, let alone be turned into zombies?

Here I learned the shocking truth: a being of unimaginable evil known only as "J.J. Abrhams" seized control of the ST mythology from the puny, spiteful Rodenberry and then "flushed it all away to make a quick buck". How exactly this "Abrhams" bloke made a fast buck by flushing a toilet I am uncertain but, given we know that the Soap Virus cannot be cultivated in liquid water, I assume he was ensuring the toilets were sterile.

Of course, Star Trek 2009's distinctive reboot of time and space leaving Leonard Nimoy lost in space in a world he didn't create undoubtedly cast a new light on a 40 year old franchise and we can rest assured that this is not a good thing. Despite what wikipedia might say about it being a critical and commercial success, "twenty year old Captains jumping around on heat while his senior officers have domestics on away missions is not Star Trek."

Now, to tell you the truth, I thought that was very much the case given Kirk bodly came in more new and strange civilizations than Russell Brand in a brothel with a sack full of heroin and some yogurt. And given how nuts and war-mongering StarFleet officers are, having domestics seemed fine.

The enlightened ones now redefine a symptom of Soap Opera infection. Not only will the infectee be a stinking animated cadaver best left to grave robbers gradually consuming the entrails, there is also a "derivative quality" of the final product. Case in point: Doctor Who is 50 years old a month from now, ergo, all its ideas are 50 years old. Ergo, NuWho has "stood of the shoulders of genius and offered little or nothing". This means, of course, that casting aside decades old mythology for a quick buck is absolutely as bad as rigidly sticking to the formula. So, if NuWho and NuTrek are remakes, they are inherently inferior and suffer Soap Virus which in turns now defined as "original material".

Thankfully, the enlightened ones are so obsessive and compulse they need to "clean their pallet and feel wholesome again". This suggests their beds are filthy with disgusting bodily fluids, the causes of which we dare not speculate. Thankfully, this instinct to sterilize their own vile bed linen (which no doubt is the perfect breeding ground for the Soap Virus) is caused by them watching Into Darkness which is "simply a (very) dumbed down version of one of the greatest sci-fi movies of ALL time" and as has been established based on decades old material and ergo, unsuitable for modern audiences.

Luckily, the enlightened ones refused to pay for their tickets because they need their cash for greater things - like demanding "all Trek fans should consider a class action against Paramount for cultural vandalism".

So, cultural vandalism is also cultural desecration and anything 50 years old must be ghastly and ergo prime rotting metatextual flesh for the Soap Virus to animate and deprive enlightened ones of entertainment. But the side-effects of the Soap Virus is "the general intolerance for criticism amongst sell out fans or those with vested interests or both".

Yes, apparently going around telling people their hard-work and beloved material is comparable to rotting zombie corpses being fawned by retarded grass-munching fools doesn't go down well.

The enlightened one himself believes in "debate and free thought" as can be seen on their forum where only established members are allowed to comment and over a dozen newcomers have been banned for stirring up trouble with their persisted and malicious refusal to accept the party line. This is surely proof that those at war with the Soap Virus risk losing their own self-respect if they did not spew well-thought out, genuine and balanced vitriol. Some may call them purists, some refer to them as fanatics and even be so bold to tell it to their faces instead of whispering about them behind their backs. This, we can all agree is extremely offensive rude arrogance and anyone who does this is an intolerant bigot who cannot unstand the basic premise of their own arguments. Such debate and free thought is wasted on this scum that doesn't even have THE BASIC DECENCY TO REALIZE THEY ARE WRONG!

But soon my fellow invertibrates all blind acceptance of bullshit shoveled out to you will cease, and nerds with no brains who can only accept worthless concepts will finally crumble under the backlash from those who enjoy using rape analogies for cheap shock value like "You won't get this sort of lying across the table and taking it up the posterior attitude from Star Wars fans."

Yes, the age of the lowest common denominator and intolerant bigotry will collapse.

Until then, however, Ron Mallet's heart stubbornly continues to beat.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Where the hell was Clara?

In the last fanwank-fermenting episode, Clara Oswald was flung like confetti through history - a million echoes of her living and dying all over time and space, not just as humans but as Time Lords, Daleks and others, each one undoing the evil retcons of the Great Intelligence to preserve Jon Preddle's TimeLink continuity... but just where did she end up? Only a handful of instances are mentioned (and marked with underline) but the rest are left to my sickened imagination...

The Name of the Doctor
Clara is a Time Lord technician who lets the Doctor into the TARDIS after the GI locks the Type 40's door to make him choose another.

An Unearthly Child
The sabre-tooth tiger that bites Za, forcing a moral confrontation betwixt the Doctor and Ian, ensuring the Time Lord gets a moral slap for being such an arse and leading to him becoming a hero.

The Daleks
A hard one, but if there's an explanation for that Thal in the last episode who gets shot by the Daleks multiple times but does not die and instead beats the shit out of them with a wooden plank, then...

The Edge of Destruction
Not applicable. Seriously.

Marco Polo
Ping-Cho, naturally. Tegena would have killed them all without her.

The Keys of Marinus
Sabetha, whose presence stops the TARDIS crew perishing at the first hurdle and has a mysterious resistance to brainwashing coz she can remember shit.

The Aztecs
I'm totally stumped for this one. Cameca is way too obvious.

The Sensorites
Probably one of the nice Sensorites.

The Reign of Terror
Jean-Pierre, without whom absolutely no one else would have saved the Doctor from a burning house.

Planet of Giants
Sammy the Cat, who does not kill the TARDIS crew abd dies to reveal the crisis unfolding.

The Dalek Invasion from Earth
She's the unnamed lady rebel who gets bitchslapped by the robomen outside the saucer, no doubt distracting the Daleks from robotizing the Doctor. Unless that bit's just a flashback. OK, fine. She's Jenny.

The Rescue
The female Didonians who saves the Doctor and then dies horribly.

The Romans
Tavius, who single-handedly ensures the TARDIS crew survives Rome long enough to burn it down.

The Web Planet
That Optera that shoves her face in acid to save Ian's life.

The Crusades
Sophia, the nice little girl who manages to put Barbara in just the right sadistic brothel so Ian can Ace Rimmer her to safety, kill all the badguys, save the prostitutes and get a deep tropical tan into the bargain. Pity no one's animating this one, huh?

The Space Museum
I got nothing - unless Clara's the Dalek the Doctor hides in, thereby changing the future...

The Chase
...nope. Got nothing here. Unless she's Hifi the panda.

The Time Meddler
Edith, who leads the Doctor to the monk and helps him even after she's been beaten up and raped by vikings - a threat the monk would have saved her from.

Galaxy 4
Drahvin 4, who gets shot by Maaga in the flashback and proves what an utter cunt she is, thus ensuring the Doctor saves the right bunch of horny aliens. Look, it was either her or the Chumblie at the end, OK?

The Myth Makers
Katarina, surely? Without her, Vicki and Steven would have died and history changed.

The Dalek Masterplan
See above.

The Massacre
Fuck it, she's Anne Chaplette and Dodo. Or something. I hate this story. Speak not of it again.

The Ark
Vanussa, the only guest character in the entire story not to be a total fuckwit. Or maybe she's the Refusian that throws the statue into orbit or something. I think I've stopped caring at this point.

The Celestial Toymaker
A clown called Clara... who keeps stuffing up, allowing Steven to survive a fatal death? Coincidence? She's also the Queen of Hearts and Mrs Wiggs, both of which choose to die to frustrate the Toymaker's plans.

The Gunfighters
Kate, who repeatedly saves the Doctor's life, flirts with him, and shoots assholes.

The Savages
Nina, who saves all of the TARDIS crew, promotes tolerance, forgiveness, and helps them destroy the Elder gizmos. There's no other options. Plus, the name of Oswin's first love.

The War Machines
Well... in my rewrite, it's Kitty. Anyone who prefers the original should rot in hell.

The Smugglers
By default, she'd have to be Blake - everyone else is a back-stabbing smuggler...

The Tenth Planet
Another one for my rewrite, which would be Andrews. In the real thing, I dunno - the whole plot is about the solution being NOT doing a damn thing and allowing forgone conclusions to forgo themselves.

The Power of the Daleks
Apparently in episode six, a woman colonist gets exterminated, distracting the Daleks while Ben, Polly and the Doctor run for their miserable lives. Good as guess as any.

The Highlanders
Kursty McLaren. She saves the TARDIS crew several times (in an admittedly no-fist-loser way) and even saves Jamie after he gets sent amnesiac back to Culloden, marries him and has lots of wee bains...

The Underwater Menace
The helpful Atlantean girl, the only sane person in the story, is called Ara. As in CLAra!! Hell, look at her and tell me it's not her!

The Moonbase
Clara is, in fact, Cyberleader Tarn and has once again resisted brainwashing - as evidenced by her "clever-clever-clever-stupid-earth-brains" sarcasm and also deliberately sabotaging her own plan by knocking out Evans just when he's taken over the gravitron and, by default, won.

The Macra Terror
Chiki the cheerleader changes her face between eps 1 and 4. That's got to be significant.

The Faceless Ones
Sam "Cleopatra" Briggs. Uncovers the chameleon scheme and fills the gap left by Ben and Polly.

The Evil of the Daleks
Molly the maid, without whom which Jamie would die, the Human Factor would never be discovered and everything would generally turn to crap. Molly's plain awesome, she is.

The Tomb of the Cybermen
Callum, who saves the day at least twice and dives in front of a bullet to protect the Doctor.

The Abominable Snowmen
I say Clara is the real yeti seen at the end, who makes sure people are drawn to the mountains to see the false Yeti and put on their guard, who goes on to stuff the GI's comeback tour in Yonder The Yeti.

The Ice Warriors
Penley. Given it's the 51st Century, he might have had a sex-change. Certainly puts a spin on his threesome with Garret and Clent...

The Enemy of the World
Fariah. Or Ferrier. That black chick food-taster sex-slave who dies after saving the TARDIS crew and exposing the true conspiracy, anyway.

The Web of Fear
She was Anne Travers the whole time, without whom the Great Intelligence would definitely have won.

Fury from the Deep
Maggie Smith, who not only helps blow the whole evil seaweed plan, also adopts Victoria.

The Wheel in Space
Gemma Corwin, the team mum who gives Zoe emotion lessons, flirts with the Doctor, saves Jamie's life and sacrifices herself to warn the others about the Cyberman threat. The fit's so perfect it's creepy.

The Dominators
Cully's the best bet, given he's brave, helpful, intelligent and doesn't consider himself a native of the planet.

The Mind Robber
Um... I dunno... does this even count? I'll say she's Rapunzel, coz she's cute and helpful.

The Invasion
It's not going to be Isobel, so I say it's nameless lorry driver UNIT agent who sacrifices his life to get the TARDIS crew out of the IE compound and as a direct result prevent the Cybermen invasion.

The Krotons
Beta, the cooking-obsessed geek who saves the day by going all Breaking Bad on the Kroton's tellurium arses and has the uncanny ability to be in two places at the same time.

The Seeds of Death
Miss Kelly. We never do find out her first name. Maybe it's Clara?

The Space Pirates
Milo Clancy. I know, I know, but he does keep saving the TARDIS crew from certain death...

The War Games
Russell, the even-tempered resistance leader used to dealing with children. Mind you, it might also be Lady Jennifer, given the different abducted time zones. Half of the soldiers could be reincarnated Claras...

Spearhead from Space
Ransome, who is the only reason UNIT twigged to Auto Plastics being suspicious. And died.

The Silurians
Okdel the token non-asshole Silurian who ultimately proves more help than the Doctor that week. And dies.

The Ambassadors of Death
This obviously happens in a parallel universe, so non-applicable. Or is it? Erm... Lennox!

Parallel universe again. But Petra does a lot of useful stuff in both universes, saving the Doctor, shutting down the Inferno drill, and of course dies for the good of the many...

Terror of the Autons
Phipps. His disappearance is a clue to the Master's plan, and he dies saving the Doctor, Jo, and leaving them the key to the TARDIS, allowing them to blackmail the Master later on.

The Mind of Evil
She's Chin Lee, whose mere presence unravels the Master's whole scheme. She's a Chinese girl, you know.

The Claws of Axos
Actually, what DO we actually know about Pigbin Josh who alerts everyone to Axos' threat at the start?

Colony in Space
I reckon she's Caldwell. And given that the gender of several characters was a last minute change by the director, a sympathetic and moral expert forced to work in a crap job who helps save a civilization... Yeah. This Clara had a sex change to deal with being gay and became Caldwell. Fine. Don't make me watch this again, please don't...

The Daemons
Could it be Miss Hawthorne? Surely that's too obvious? Or is it?

Day of the Daleks
Miss Paget. If she hadn't called UNIT, the entire world would have ended. Twice.

The Curse of Peladon
Hrm. Grun, definitely.

The Sea Devils
Meh. Captain Hart's secretary.

The Mutants
Songergaard, as he saves Jo, cures the Mutants and helps save Solos. Plus: bald of awesome.

The Time Monster
Hippias. He's suspicious of the Master, saves Jo from the minotaur, dies horribly and reveals the secret of the crystal to the Doctor.

The Three Doctors me. Is she the recorder?

Carnival of Monsters
Shirna. Seriously, watch it. It's Clara played by another actress.

Frontier in Space
The Ogron-Eating Testicle Beast of Scrotum Valley. Saves the Doctor in every scene - coincidence?

Planet of the Daleks
Wester, a loner who saves Jo and cripples the Daleks at the cost of his own life. She's a very distorted echo this time round...

The Green Death
Nancy with the smiling face. If she hadn't done that mushroom risotto, the maggots would never have been killed, Cliff would have died, and the world's first gay computer would have gone totally Keith Allan.

The Time Warrior
Hal the Archer. You know that's an anagram of "Clara htheher"?

Invasion of the Dinosaurs
No freaking idea. Maybe that medieval peasant? I honestly haven't a clue this time.

Death to the Daleks
Bellal, who at times is a better companion than Sarah Jane this week.

The Monster of Peladon
I'll say Aggador, especially as BF have revealed the royal beasts are all hermaphrodites.

Planet of the Spiders
Tommy, who keeps the spiders at bay for the Doctor to save Sarah and embark on his suicide mission, conveniently overcoming his retardation just in time to do so.

Whoever it was that jammed the coutndown the second time. Thanks, Clara!

The Ark in Space
Rogin, who is a common-as-muck normal human who dies saving the Doctor and the human race.

The Sontaran Experiment
Um... Roth?

Genesis of the Daleks
Bettan, the only nice Thal who keeps the Doctor going when he thinks Sarah and Harry are dead, entombs the Daleks and even sets up a CCTV of Davros getting fried.

Revenge of the Cybermen
Lester, the deadpan snarky suicide bomber who saves the Doctor, Voga and everyone. Except Cybermen.

Terror of the Zygons
She was the Tibetan monk who taught the Doctor how to hypnotize Sarah.

Planet of Evil
Vishinsky's the only viable option in this one as he is the only character to be in anyway intelligent, helpful or anything but cannon fodder.

Pyramids of Mars
Everyone says it's her hand under Sutekh's arse. Why not? I can't think of a better candidate...

The Android Invasion
No idea. Maybe it wasn't worth either her or the Great Intelligence's time.

The Brain of Morbius
At least one of those Sisters on Karn must count...

The Seeds of Doom
Amelia Ducat, who reveals Harrison Chase is behind the scam and also helps contact UNIT.

The Masque of Mandragora
You know what? I say Count Frederiko. Think about it - if he hadn't tried to execute the Doctor, Sarah wouldn't have been saved, Hieronymous wouldn't have been distracted, our heroes would have been tortured to death... and if he'd succeeded in killing Guiliano, well, Sarah would have been saved a hell of a lot of trouble when he started a cult that would split into a faction run by Servalan and a faction run by Travis...

The Hand of Fear
The Steve Coogan-lookalike who saves the Doctor and Sarah from the quarry explosion, helps the Doctor work out where Eldrad came from and - in the book - gets them back to the TARDIS safely.

The Deadly Assassin
Well, Clara the Time Lord was around. Presumably she helped. Somehow. Off screen. Maybe.

The Face of Evil
Tomas. He saves the Doctor, Leela and seems to be the only negotiator on the planet.

Robots of Death
I'm calling her as D84, the self-sacrificing nice robot. Because the Fendahl can go fuck itself.

The Talons of Weng-Chiang
The cleaning woman that Magnus Greel eats. After all, without her, Leela would have been consumed first and that would make everyone unhappy.

Horror of Fang Rock
Skinsale. He's the nicest aristo there (not that that says much) comes up with the diamond scam, delays the Rutan, and dies horribly.

The Invisible Enemy
Parsons, who dies heroically after working out a solution and saves Marius and his nurse.

Image of the Fendahl
She's a security guard who releases the Doctor from the cell. Again, self-felating Fendahleen.

The Sunmakers
Cordo, the orphaned suicidal youngster who inspires the Doctor and Leela to change the world.

I want to say Tara, but frankly Idas is more likely to be a brave and helpful aid...

The Invasion of Time
She's a Time Lord who helps distract the Doctor, thus stopping the Intelligence from blowing his cover and alerting the Vardans.

The Ribos Operation
The Seeker. True, she's not particularly helpful but she does keep the Graff's forces from slaughtering the rest of Ribos and leads them to their doom which not only saves the Doctor but gets him the Jethryk, sacrificing her life in the process.

The Pirate Planet
Balatan. The novelization even has him die, triggering a revolt against the Captain.

The Stones of Blood
The indispensible Amelia Rumford has a lot of Clara about her... even going through a gay phase.

The Androids of Tara
Madam Lamia, who's death totally destabilizes the political situation, frees Romana and leaves Grendel so mucked up emotionally he lets things turn against him. According to the author.

The Power of Kroll

The Armageddon Factor
The Shadow, who is after all, a reanimated ghost of one of the Doctor's foes. I say it's Clara, deliberately screwing things up to let the Doctor win. Because the only other candidate is Merak and god damn that would be insulting to Clara.

Destiny of the Daleks

City of Death
I instinctively think she's the little, high-strung old art guide who the Doctor winds up so often. Unless, of course, she was, in fact, the Mona Lisa herself...

The Creature from the Pit
The Huntsman in charge of the wolfweeds who takes over Chloris and is nice to Erato.

Nightmare of Eden
Stott - though with his suicidal lust wise-cracking attitudes, he does seem more like Amy than Clara.

The Horns of Nimon
Seth, I guess. He does save the Doctor and Romana, after all.

Claire Keightley, based on the novelization, at least as a hyper-intelligent nice lady scientist.

The Leisure Hive
Nice Foamasi, who saves Romana, prevents a second Argolin war, and seems very fond of the Doctor.

She's Lexa, patterned on a different past companion, who saves Romana and helps to keep the Doctor and Meglos apart. OK, bit of a bloodthirsty bigot, but still...

Full Circle
Marsha the Marshchild, obviously! She gives the Doctor all the clues to save the day and never attacks him.

State of Decay
Tarak. He reveals the Lords are vampires, infiltrates the tower and saves the Doctor, Romana and Adric at the cost of his own life.

Warriors' Gate
The chatty Gundan who explains the plot... slightly... to the Doctor before being brutally beheaded.

The Keeper of Traken
Katura because, like Cameca, is there another option? Plus she dies horribly soon after.

"She was the Watcher all the time..." Nah, actually she was... um... er... the Monitor?

The little girl who teaches the Doctor to count, thus breaking the amnesia and putting him on the offensive.

Four to Doomsday
For sheer deadpan sarcasm, I say Bigon.

Panna - she saves the day, inspires the Doctor, and even gets reincarnated.

The Visitation
Well, it's as good a justification for Richard Mace as any. Odd how the Doctor only calls him "the actor", and never by his name...

Black Orchid
The "Strike me pink!" copper who follows the Doctor into the TARDIS and proves him innocent. Yeah. Clara didn't have to do much that week.

Professor Kyle. Nyssa would have died without her. Hell, without her, no one would have found the bomb. And thus not only would Earth be destroyed, the human race wouldn't exist. Clever Clara.

Meh. Professor Haytor, I suppose...

Arc of Infinity
Clara is one of the Time Lord brains in the Matrix that makes sure the Doctor doesn't discorporate after his "execution" by Maxil.

Chela, the only non-possessed non-Snakedancer to be helpful. Even SOUNDS like Clara!

Mawdryn Undead
...whoever she is, she must be the one that stops the Black Guardian's plan from working. Is she the Brigadier?!?

Kari the substitute companion space pirate who saves the universe at least three times.

Jackson, who convinces the TARDIS crew not to blindly trust the Eternals before they get to him - and who Turlough betrays, guilt-tripping him into a suicide attempt that convinces the Doctor to trust him.

The King's Demons
I say Isabella, as the book has her allying herself with the Doctor in the epilogue and promising to remember that clever boy after everyone else in Fitzwilliam Castle is out for his blood.

The Five Doctors
She's a 1970s girl who lures the Third Doctor into the time-scoop's path, and thus saves Sarah-Jane Smith from spraining her ankle. Hey, I didn't come up with this one!

Warriors of the Deep
I'm going to say it's the Myrka. Just because I can. Note it spares the Doctor and Tegan, and the only speaking part it kills would have triggered WW4 had they been allowed to escape. Any further discussion might draw Thomas Cookson and we don't want that, do we?

The Awakening
Will Chandler, definitely.

Norna Range.

Resurrection of the Daleks
In my rewrite, it's Zena for obvious reasons. Else... I dunno. Laird?

Planet of Fire
Amiyad. It's easy to spot Claras from now on - they're the ones NOT trying to rape Peri.

The Caves of Androzani
She's the queen bat which the script makes clear allows the Doctor to milk her when she could clearly have murdered him with her bare claws.

The Twin Dilemma
Hugo Lang, child-rescuing sharp-shooting deadpan-snarker.

Attack of the Cybermen
Flast, the nice suicide bomber who saves the Doctor and blows up the Cybermen.

Vengeance on Varos
Etta, who saves our heroes more than once by not being completely stupid.

The Mark of the Rani
Luke Ward. Saves Peri even after being brainwashed and turned into a tree. Tough break.

The Two Doctors
Oscar, who keeps Shockeye away from the main populace long enough to die for it.

Herbert. (It should be noted that Herbert is NOT HG Wells the writer but a completely different bloke with the same name, given his appearance, personality and life history is clompletely different - it's all a really freaky coincidence, probably because Clara's distorting time. Probably.)

Revelation of the Daleks
The DJ. You can tell because he's one of the few nice, helpful, non-rapist characters in the story.

The Mysterious Planet
She's one of the underground dwellers who keeps people from finding the Doctor.

Well, there's no way of telling, is there?

Terror of the Vervoids
Stewardess Janet, naturally.

The Trial of a Time Lord

Time and the Rani
Sarn, who indirectly provokes the Lakertyans to fight back, saves Mel's life and who the Doctor categorically does not remember.

Paradise Towers
Bin Liner. Fire Escape and the Red Kangs wouldn't get far without her.

Delta and the Bannermen
Ray. Though she was also a Wolf of Fenric, but Clara can multitask, surely?

She's an Iceworld tourist who helps Glitz save the Doctor from the trap the Intelligence got him into. See, there WAS a reason he jumped off the cliff!

Remembrance of the Daleks
Alison, who saves the Doctor from Kaled mutants - about the only time he's in danger in that story.

The Happiness Patrol
Susan Q.

Silver Nemesis

The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

Shou Young.

Ghost Light

The Curse of Fenric
Ingiga, the Ancient One, who is a girl believe or not, who waits for centuries to defeat a formless intelligence and save the Doctor's life. Plus, she started out as a normal human, so it COULD be JLC under the blue flesh and gills. No one can say otherwise.

Kara, the bisexual friend of Dorothy who repeated saves Ace, tries to kill the Master, gets turned into a monster and then dies. Even the name!

Wierd-Ass Eighth Doctor Story
Well, she's in Florida and stops the Eighth Doctor and the Second Doctor bump into each other. So, uh...

The unseen and dead HP Wilson who saved the Doctor from the Autons.

The End of the World
Jabe. She burns to motivate/save the Doctor, Rose and the Face of Boe.

The Unqiuet Dead
I say, the old dead lady at the start. Why else would she go to a theatre within screaming distance of the TARDIS on Christmas Eve? And what would have happened if she hadn't, hmm?

Aliens of London

Di Maggio. Only nice person in the bunker, saves Rose's life, tries to be nice to the Dalek. And dies.

The Long Game
Sukki. Not even being dead will stop the self-confessed cuddly anarchist from flirting with the Doctor, exposing Dalek masterplans, and using her iron-grip cleavage jiggle to save the day.

Father's Day
Um, does this count? Then I'll say she's Matt, who runs over Pete and saves the universe.

The Empty Child

Cathy Salt, who breaks Blon's resolve and (it seems) convinces her to start afresh.

The Parting of the Ways
The Controller, who exposes the Dalek scam, repeatedly saves the Doctor, and dies for her troubles.

The Christmas Invasion
Um... the medical student who gives Jackie the stethoscope? I admit, I'm grasping for straws here.

New Earth
Novice Hame. I guess.

Tooth and Claw
Sir Robert's wife who delays the wolf by making mistletoe soup.

School Reunion
Kenny's girlfriend, whose brainwashing convinces him to help the Doctor and co.

The Girl In The Fireplace
Arthur the horse!

Rise of the Cybermen
Mrs. Moore. Angela Price. Whatever.

The Idiot's Lantern
Oh, Christ, don't remind me of this one... um, Rita Connelly. Ow.

The Satan Pit
Mr. "Motherfucking" Jefferson.

Love & Monsters
Um... well... I dunno. Does this count? Seriously?

Fear Her
The wierd bag lady who can sense Chloe Webber's shinanigans. This episode is very popular with kids, BTW, so anyone who whines it's too childish can gas themselves like the vermin they are.

Army of Ghosts
Adeola. Not only does she look like another companion, without her, the Voidsphere wouldn't open and thus the Cult of Skaro would never be destroyed.

The Runaway Bride
...hard one, given Donna is the only nice person in the whole episode. Maybe she's the blonde who reminds the Doctor of Rose, forcing him to sort his shit out.

Smith & Jones
Analisse, since she convinces Martha to ditch her hellhole of a family.

The Shakespeare Code
The landlady of the White Elephant.

Jatt the Fox, the kinky lesbian animal driver who dies saving Martha from Macra.

Daleks in Manhattan
Tallulah, obvs.

The Lazarus Experiment
Olive woman, who's death gets everyone else to escape from Lazarus and also sate the bastard's appetite for long enough the Doctor can nuke him.

Riley Vashtee.

Human Nature
Tim Latimer, say I.

Probably someone involved in the 4 things and a lizard.

Chan-Chan-Tho-Tho. Why else is she so clued up about the watch?

The Sound of Drums
Um... Professor Docherty? You know I never realized how many resets there'd been til I did this list...

Time Crash
Again. Non-freaking-applicable.

Partners in Crime
The fat lady what melts into fat in front of Donna, thus clueing her in as to what's going on.

The Fires of Pompeii
She's got to be in this, given that the natives are clearly incarnations of the Twelfth Doctor, Amy, Klein, Sally Smedley and Mr. Scratch... she must be the chicken that warns the Doctor of the pyrovile approach.

The Sontaran Stratagem
Ross Jenkins, the rich man's Adam Rickett.

The Doctor's Daughter
Hath Peck, who dies saving Martha. Did I mention this episode is really uncomfortable to watch nowadays? Seriously, my family were avoiding their gaze every time DT and GM made baby eyes at each other...

The Unicorn and the Wasp
The Unicorn.

Silence of the Library
Miss Evangalista, who is the only 51st century person not a complete jerk.

The Hostess - her name was Clara.

Turn Left
This cannot count, surely?! OK, maybe she's the fortune teller, since she exposes the whole "Rose is back" thing. This means Chippo Chung has been Clara twice. Hmmm...

Journey's End
Caaaaaaaaaaannn! Clara's been a Dalek before, why not now?

The Next Doctor
Jeff, who gets the balloon in the air for the big fight scene.

Planet of the Dead
Praygat the Tritovore. You didn't think it was going to be Christina, did you?

Probably that alien played by Lisa Bowerman. Does anyone care about this one?

The Waters of Mars
The unseen crackhead hiding in Adelaide's apartment who shoots her through the head as soon as she steps through the door. (c) the kids next door.

The End of Time
Could the woman be Clara...? Actually, I hope not. Kind of gross.

The Eleventh Hour

The Beast Below
Sarah the little crying girl.

Victory of the Daleks
Oh, who cares?

The Time of the Angels
Angel Bob, who does after all do absolutely everything he can to make the Doctor kill them all.

The Vampires of Venice

Amy's Choice

Cold Blood

Vincent and the Doctor
The two-headed godmother who gave the Doctor his mirror-identifying gizmo.

The Lodger

The cat that spies on the house for the Doctor.

The Pandorica Opens
Erm... uh...

A Christmas Carol
She's the shark, obviously.

The Impossible Astronaut
Crazy Dr. Renford.

The Curse of the Black Spot
The siren.

The Doctor's Wife
Idris. Before her soul was destroyed and she became a host for the TARDIS.

The Rebel Flesh
Ganger Miranda.

A Good Man Goes To War
Lorna Bucket. "You don't remember me, do you?" are her last words for crying out loud...

Let's Kill Hitler
Professor Candy at the Lunar University.

Night Terrors
She is the merciful being that allowed me to see this three times without taking my own life.

The Girl Who Waited
Totally stumped on this one. Totally. Does it count?

The God Complex
Lucie the policewoman in the pre-credits bit. She was actually called "Lucie Miller" at one stage, coz Toby Whithouse wanted to see her beaten to death by a gorilla. Now, if that isn't proof he should be the next showrunner then what the hell is?!

Closing Time

The Wedding of River Song
Jeez, a lot of unreal histories, aren't there? I'll say she's the cute lab tech working for River who gets electrocuted.

A Christmas Carol
I'll say she's Bill Bailey, all I can remember from this episode I have made absolutely no attempt to own a copy of. Yeah, Moff. Feel the shame.

Asylum of the Daleks

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship
Tricey the noble triceratops who sacrifices her life to save Cleo, Bryan, Rory and the Doctor. Sniff.

A Town Called Mercy
Probably that dumb little girl narrating the end of the episode. Though the barmaid was more help...

The Power of Three
She was one of the Zygons. Not my fault if you didn't see her.

The Snowmen

Monday, September 9, 2013

Remember my B7 series?

Yeah, didn't think so. Anyway, I mapped out Series E and wrote a full FIVE episodes of it before lack of any public sychophancy and adulation killed off my enthusiasm. So, here's a quick program guide.

Short Story: The Worst Day of My Life
Vila reflects on one day on Gauda Prime and how close he came to death. Following the death of Blake and the Federation attack, they were rescued by Zanto, Gamren and Raffelo who were able to take them to a secondry base. While Soolin is given medical treatment, Vila finds himself taking over the group. His first act is to cremate the bodies of Blake, Dayna, Tarrant and the others. Although he has kept the truth of Blake's killer secret, Avon is put in a cell and not allowed out until he confesses where he left Orac.

Servalan, trying to track down the Scorpio crew, approaches Gauda Prime and forms a tense alliance with Orac to discover what happened to Avon and the others after the Federation stormed Blake's base. It turns out that the only survivors were Avon, Vila and Soolin, who were rescued by the rest of Blake's rebels who are hiding at their second base. With Soolin still recovering from life-saving surgery and Avon unstable, Vila takes command and tries to manipulate Avon into revealing Orac's location by letting him escape. Instead, Vila, Avon and Servalan end up prisoner of the Federation team at Blake's base. Some of Vila's team - a psychostrategist called Zanto, a pilot called Gamren and her boyfriend Rafello - come to the rescue and they escape in Blake's escape shuttle with a technician called Lora. Rafello remains behind and triggers the base's self-destruct, sacrificing himself to wipe out the Federation troops before they can inform the rest of the galaxy that Blake is dead and Gauda Prime is now under rebel control. Once aboard Servalan's ship, Vila has her broadcast her true identity to the Federation and claim she has Orac and is about to take over the empire. With the Federation in a panic, they will not be looking for the rebels. Vila shoots Servalan and has Zanto dispose of the body, and then informs Avon he is to be given a second chance after killing Blake.

Short Story: Decline and Fall
Servalan is not dead, but mortally wounded. Squeamish about killing her, Zanto dumps her in an escape pod and launches it. The chances of rescue are remote and Servalan's life flashes before her eyes before she is rescued by a sinister man named Keer, who puts her on life-support. She is mortally-wounded and will soon die, but Servalan has a plan to survive. In return for new of Avon killing Blake, Keer agrees to help her.

Vila has the crew carry out modifications to Servalan's ship, but these adjustments lead to malfunctions that threaten to kill them all. Orac suggests they raid a nearby derelict space station for spare parts. Once aboard, they discover the station is inhabited by desperate cannibals who have been trapped there for years. The inhabitants manage to take Avon captive, while the others are forced to flee in the ship as the Federation have arrived to destroy the derelict station. Vila is accidentally thrown out of the ship in a spacesuit, sent hurtling into space. Using the partially-complete star-drive, Gamren is able to avoid the pursuit ships and the incomplete teleport rescues Avon from the cannibals. In return for having authority over the computers once more, Avon works out a rescue for Vila. The two reconcile after the events of Malodaar and dub their new ship the Phoenix.

The Federation have developed a new weapon, the particle canon, which can neutralize enemy ships. The rebel alliance gathers on an old mining base, where it is attempting to recruit other forces - including an independent mining magnate called Keer who has his own space-fleet. Arriving at the conference, Soolin is alarmed to discover Keer is her former mentor who she believed she had killed. Keer betrays the alliance to the Federation, but then destroys the approaching pursuit ships - ensuring the Federation have been lulled into a false sense of security. He agrees to aid the rebels but in return he gets Soolin to hand over the only recordings of Blake's demise, which Vila has entrusted her with. The Phoenix and the rest of the rebel fleets attack the convoy and, against the odds, manage to capture the particle canon. Keer discovers a genuine traitor, but easily overpowers him - Keer is seemingly indestructible. With the rebels victorious, Vila decides to contemplate their next move as Orac completes the Phoenix's main flight computer: Blake.

Travelling through a dense matter field, the Phoenix approaches a planet orbiting a dying sun. Curious about a crystalline city on the surface, the crew investigate - and are caught in attacks between the invisible inhabitants. To survive the dying planet, the natives have split into two groups: the surface-dwellers who are composed of high-frequency light, and the underground groups who appear to be living shadow. The surface race have developed radiation lasers to destroy their foes while the underground race have created a toxic nerve gas to fight back. The crew learn that the surface dwellers have created a fusion bomb that will act as a new sun, destroying all life unlike their own, but the shadow creatures use the Phoenix as a Trojan horse to penetrate the city. In the fighting, the fusion bomb goes off, destroying the city and everything in it, while the Phoenix and the crew escape in the nick of time.

The Federation storm the planet Langsuir when the natives discover immunity to Pylene 50 and attempt to install a new tactical computer to control their warfare. Zanto teleports to the surface and infiltrates his way into the Federated forces, and learns that they are more interested in looting the planet of its art treasures - as one of the paintings contains a clue to some treasure. Vila decides to aid the native rebels in keeping the art out of the Federation's hands, derailing a monorail train and teleporting the artworks to safety. Meanwhile, the new computer system comes online and decides that the conflict is unwinnable as human beings are self-destructive. Thus, it begins to try to destroy all life on Langsuir. Zanto and the others manage to shut it down, but the Federation - unaware their new computer will try to destroy them - are going to install it on Earth. Thus, the rebellion must overthrow the Federation before it takes place and the computer is able to wipe out all humanity. Luckily, the treasure Avon discovers can help them prepare for that.

Orac picks up a distress signal from Gamren, even though Gamren is still aboard the Phoenix. Over the communicator, the other Gamren explains she is from the future and has been sent back into the past, and can prove it by remembering the "future" for the others. The Phoenix goes to collect Gamren from a cemetary planet where they are attacked by Weeping Angels who live on the planet. The Phoenix escapes with the future Gamren who says that a Weeping Angel is aboard and it sends the current Gamren into past on the other side of the galaxy, forcing her to make her own way back. Avon has the Angel trapped in a box of mirrors, but the reflections begin to turn into Angels themselves. Zanto and Lora jetison the mirror box full of Angels back to the planet they come from and Orac is able to purge Blake's memory before another Angel forms and is able to attack them.

The Phoenix is summoned to the planet Epsilon-Gamma where android and mutoid development is carried out. The eccentric scientist in charge, Algarn, meets the crew warmly and introduces them to his guest, a bed-ridden Servalan on life-support. Soon, she finally expires. Algarn reveals he has built a perfect android duplicate of Servalan and even copied her mind; like Keer before her, she is now immortal and indestructible. With no limits, Servalan activates the prototype combat robots and orders them to kill everyone. By the time Vila and the others have dealt with the androids, Servalan has already escaped and is preparing to run her own coup to overthrow the Federation.

Servalan goes to the one planet no one would look for her - Gauda Prime. Unfortunately, Soolin is waiting for her, but Servalan's newfound strength and power over computers makes her more dangerous than ever. Ultimately the rebels are forced to let Servalan escape or she will reveal their stronghold to the rest of the Federation. Servalan keeps her word, as she wants to use the rebellion to weaken the Federation and allow her to take over.

The Federation training facility uses virtual reality to implant memories and skills into new troopers. The Phoenix crew attempt to sabotage the complex, but end up scattered in different unreal scenarios. Finally, they program the troopers to believe they have won and killed all their enemies, rendering them harmless.

A malfunctioning escape pod dumps Gamren and Zanto on a desert planet. Seeking shelter in a small research base, they discover that an alien organism is taking over the crew one by one - it is highly-advanced polymorph that is trying to uncover a spaceship in the dunes nearby so it can escape to absorb all life in the galaxy. In a desperate battle, Gamren and Zanto destroy the base and escape to the Pheonix, but the creature still survives on the planet and waits for another chance.

Rejoined by Soolin, the Phoenix crew and the rebel fleet storm Earth at the same time as Servalan is attempting a takeover. As an android, Servalan intends to link up with the new central computer and thus take over the entire Federation - unaware the computer is insane and wants to destroy all human life. In the pitched battle, the central computer is destroyed while Servalan is linked up. She is able to escape, but is now determined to wipe out humanity by any means necessary. Without the computer, the Federation falls and the rebel alliance seizes control of Earth, ending the conflict. But as the Phoenix crew rejoice at finally winning, Keer broadcasts the footage of Avon killing Blake across the entire galaxy to prove that the new regime will not tolerate such a crime, even from their own leaders...

Avon is arrested and taken to Earth to stand trial for killing Blake. Keer visits him in a cell, curious as to Avon's origin. Avon explains his father was a fugitive from the Federation who was hunted down and killed by his half-brother Axel Reis. Avon was brought up by his warped mother Rowena, intending to use him to avenge her lover. When Reis killed Rowena, Avon tried to forge his own destiny with Anna Grant and got Vila Restal to help him organize a bank fraud. However, they both ended up in jail and sentenced to Cygnus Alpha. Axel came for Avon, who managed to kill him before being deported aboard the London. Looking back at things, Avon is unsure if he would have been better off dying then.

Avon is put on trial for murdering Blake and is found guilty. Keer, new ruler of the new Federation, decides to have him executed to help cement the new regime with its people. Zanto pretends to agree, but is actually working to find out details so Vila and the others can rescue him. Keer however has fed false information to Zanto to test his loyalty, and ultimately Vila is unable to prevent Avon's death by firing squad. Avon finds himself as a ghost with Cally as his guide to the afterlife; though highly skeptical, Avon accepts that life was not as pointless and as cynical as he imagined and as they watch, Keer sentences Vila to Cygnus Alpha for attempting to pervert the course of justice. Zanto remains on Earth to try and stop Keer from becoming another dictator, while Soolin, Lora and Gamren travel in Phoenix to see if Vila can be freed - even though that means they will become outlaws once again. Keer prepares to use Orac as the new central control of the Federation... only to discover Vila has stolen the key. Amused, Avon and Cally leave this plane of existence. Meanwhile, Servalan has tracked down a distant planet with a hybernating army of Daleks which she intends to use to her own purposes against all mankind...

Hopefully that is truer to the spirit of Blake's 7 than some -AHEMMAGICBULLETAHEM- have managed.

Questions? Comments? Do any of you bastards still read this blog?