How would B7 have been some life-affirming MG tunes taped over it?
That was Blake with "Final Days" and "The New Doctor" from The End of Time.
But wait, there's more! Yes! And here's Rescue, similarly redubbed!
In rough order there's "Futurekind" from Utopia, "The Impossible Planet Suite", "Yana" from Utopia, "All For One" from The Curse of the Black Spot, "Locked On" from The Doctor's Wife, "Missy's Theme" from The Caretaker and "Aristole, We've Been Hit" from Into the Dalek.
Could even Stardrive be improved with some actual speed to the proceedings? (Oh ze bitter irony!)
That includes "The Truth Of the Daleks" from Into the Dalek, "Concussed" from Deep Breath, "Remember Me" from The Name of the Doctor, "Davros" from Journey's End, "Hanging on the Tablafone" from The Stolen Earth, "A Symphony for War" from The Time of the Doctor, "I.M. Foreman" from The Day of the Doctor, then "Terrible Decision" from Kill the Moon and finally "The Master Vainglorious" from The Sound of Drums. Phew.
That's probably enough for now, amirite?
Saturday, July 25, 2015
After the most cynical, hopeless, dark, gritty, depressing and nihilistic seasons of Doctor Who ever, it's time for a yuletide episode! Yay!
Nigel: And suddenly having a disfunctional antisocial fuckwit of a Doctor has a drawback - he's the last person anyone would want to spend Christmas with. He has no friends, he doesn't want friends, he doesn't have fun, plus after 900 years of Christmas he'd never want to see another damn holiday special ever!
Andrew: Maybe that's why it's called Last Christmas. Maybe Moffat can't see any future in these eps.
Dave: Yeah, what is Christmas but a materialistic pagan festival reminding you you're one year older, fatter, uglier and closer to death with some unwanted stocking fillers in place of spiritual fulfilment?
Andrew: You know, Dave, maybe you should watch some Parks and Rec or something...
Nigel: Yeah, Moffat seems to have set the tone meeting for each ep on "Make Dave Restal Self-Harm."
Dave: You just wait! It'll be set in a terminal children's ward where all the underage cancer patients are being sexually molested by Father Christmas so he can gain the power to drown kittens and if the Doctor even gives a damn he won't actually do anything because it's not his problem...
Andrew: Maybe we should watch something more cheerful. Like Children of Earth...
It's the night before Christmas and it's snowing. Somewhat unrealistically.
D: Is that snow dead Cyber-pollen? I mean, it never snows on 21st Century Earth otherwise...
A: This is obviously a dream. She lives in a poky flat on the Powell Estate, not Wayne Manor.Maybe Danny left a fortune in his will.
N: Yeah, because English teachers make so much money.
A: He was a Maths teacher.
N: Yes, but he was teaching in England! God you're pedantic.
A: Odd Clara dreams of being alone in a big house with a stairlift. Maybe she inherited from her gran?
D: You mean Etta died? Oh god! NOO!!
Anyway, moving on. Clara wakes up to find Santa and some wisecracking elves are on the roof.
N: Ah, yes. Clara's gone criminally insane. She's probably in a padded cell somewhere, drooling.
A: On the bright side, I love Santa and his loser mates. They mange to be realistically bitchy, but not nasty. I mean, it's not Tim fucking Allan piss-farting about in a Santa suit, but it's not a dark parody either. Santa's cynical about how it all works, but not why. That's very clever.
N: Is it me, or does Dan Starkey look wierder without Sontaran makeup?
A: The colliding reindeer in the background are very Family Guy, aren't they? And the elves remind me of Stewie and Bryan as well...
D: Wait, the idea parents love their kids is more ridiculous than Santa Claus being real? Jesus...
The Doctor arrives in the TARDIS and leaves with Clara for some reason.
N: So... no, I have no idea what's going on. Why doesn't he ask about Danny?
D: I thought he was friends with Santa!
A: Mind you, this Doctor would be much happier throwing coal at pensioners instead.
N: So, Clara believes in Santa and this is going to save the world? What?!
There are special opening credits. With snow.
A: Sweet merciful zarathustra, that is tacky!
D: They've shoved "Nick Frost" after the logo! It looks like that's the episode title!
N: Frost on the eyebrows? Wow, you can feel the animators going "You know what? Fuck this!" and trying to lighten this miserable shitstorm. I admire this.
D: Why not add sleighbells as well while they're at it?
Meanwhile, in a very unconvincing CGI polar base...
N: Wow, it makes the model from Seeds of Doom look like found footage!
A: Do you get arora borealis in the Antarctic summer?
D: Do you get all those rocky outcrops of ice? I always thought it was more or less flat...
...a blonde bimbo scientist is sent into a sealed-off medibay full of sleeping monsters.
N: Wow, just like The Empty Child. Or any other "don't wake up the monsters" story by Moffat. Like the immediately previous episode. Anyone think Moff's running on empty after five years?
A: These things are just like the Teller from Time Hiest. "Whatever you do, don't think!"
D: Hrm. Industrial setting, Alien riffs, unsexy neurotic older man with huge nostrils who thinks he's lady man, younger moron character more interested in fashion than danger, trying to groove their way past telepathic monsters... This is a bit Red Dwarf, really. The whole "Don't think" is like Rimmer being told not to fantasize about a giant spider crawling up his leg.
A: It's so bloody dark, though. Why haven't they turned on the lights?
As traditional, Slade's Merry Xmas Everybody is played for some reason.
N: Did Murray Gold give up writing Christmas songs altogether now?
A: Shona's in a real Cat-groove. I bet the monsters will start dancing along with her too.
D: Holy crap! A friendly, happy character who isn't a neurotic angst-written borderline nutjob!
N: Dead meat.
D: Pity. I think a Scouse Slade-grooving companion would make a nice change from all the mentally-unbalanced superheroes we've had since 2010...
The Doctor and Clara turn up. Shit immediately goes down.
D: Typical, this Doctor barely says a word before ruining everything and nearly getting everyone killed.
A: Shona thinks of him as a skeleton in a hoodie. Even strangers recoil from this bloke. I tell you, Capaldi's very self-confident to appear in two shows where every single character dreads and hates him on sight.
N: Wow. According to my caculator, Clara's two hundred off on that first answer and eight hundred off on the second. Exactly. In the hundreds. Wierd.
A: Even more, wow, Clara's slapped the Doctor and he's deserved it! You know, say what you like about what's happened since Matt Smith's left, the unnecessary female-on-male domestic violence has really died down since Capaldi joined up!
D: Well, the Doctor didn't deserve it. He was deliberately provoking her to take her mind off the monsters - Danny wouldn't have minded, given the context.
N: And it's not like he's disrespecting the dead - Clara told him he survived!
Facehugger monsters drop from the ceiling before you can say "Holy Ridley Scott!"
D: Yeah... why do arctic scientific bases have all these guns?
A: And if the monsters only chase you when you think about it, how did all the facehuggers attack when no one knew they were there?
N: Compared to actual HR Gieger facehuggers, these things are snail pace. Step out of the damn way!
Then Santa Claus arrives, with elves. And machine guns.
A: Oh yes. The Red Dwarf levels were dropping. Will the Dalai Lama and Noel Coward also turn up?
D: It's not just Meltdown! They're even doing the living-slinkies from Emohawk!
N: Rudolf is very butch... almost cow-like. Is that what real reindeer look like?
A: Look, Santa just told the monsters to go away. Isn't that what the Doctor is supposed to do whenever Moff can't think of a decent way out of a cliffhanger?
D: No wonder the Doctor's in a foul mood. Santa's been a better hero in ten minutes than he has for an entire season of episodes! YOU USELESS PRICK!!!
A: Happy place, Dave. Happy place.
The scientists have some trouble coping with this.
D: Christ, are they all stupid? At the very least they should have twigged the guy THINKS he's Santa.
A: It's like one of those crappy pre-titles where no one can say "You're the Doctor" for drammatic effect.
N: Shona's ashamed of being a brony? Good for her.
D: Oooh, the Doctor thinks she's vaguely intelligent. Kiss of death.
A: She's got to be the new companion. She's the one actually investigating who Santa is while Clara sulks in the shadows and the Doctor talks boring about the facehuggers.
N: Ashley's actually doing more companion stuff with the Doctor than Clara. Miss Oswald's really lost her mojo in this - maybe they should kill her off and get a different Clara splinter to participate. She's gone from psychotic to apathetic. She's effectively wasting screen time.
A: Yeah, why did the Doctor go back for her? Why are he and Santa not recognizing each other?
N: "Dream Crabs"? The Public Lice of Your Imagination!!!
D: Oh look, now we don't know if it's reality or not. They'll be finding DVDs and computer games for Doctor Who next and it'll turn out they're sadacts pretending to be fictional characters...
N: Surprised none of the scientists have buck teeth and are called Duane.
D: Hang on, the Doctor's calling the TARDIS a telephone kiosk and not a police box? He's evil!
A: Look at that Nosferatu grin - he's obviously a Dream Lord or something causing trouble. It's the natural evolution from a Doctor crap at being a hero to a Doctor brilliant at being a villain! He's rude to Clara, refuses to save anyone, makes Ashley do all the work...
The Doctor and Clara are honest with each other. That's a first.
D: That's got to be a wake-up call that all these white-lies are causing each other nothing but misery.
A: Yeah, I thought this new Doctor was supposed to be brutally honest at all times.
N: ...and they immediately change the subject. Oh, for fuck's sake. Get some closure for once. Is this going to be the new story arc, with five years of these two lying to each other?
Turns out even the main characters think it's cliched.
D: Actually referencing source material as Alien? Red Dwarf did that too.
A: It's a reminder that the nameless xenomorph franchise is hard to describe. Maybe if they'd stuck with the working title StarBeast it would be better.
N: Nah, then we'd have a film series about Ellen Ripley fighting Beep the Meep.
A: So, we've seen Patrick Troughton and now John Hurt is canonized as well! I bet the Doctor's new face is based on that guy from The Hour and not Caecilius at all...
D: Hang on, if the Dream Crabs are copied from Alien, that means they are a dream. So... if the crabs themselves are the dream, then what is really causing the dream? It's more psychic pollen, I bet.
N: This running gag about racism better be leading somewhere...
The dream crabs eat your brains while you're in a dreamworld.
D: Oh come on! They're Psirens now! With Despair Squid thrown in!
N: They just need to shapeshift and we've got a trifecta! Moff, puh-please!
Clara is told to get off her bitching arse and do something.
N: Fuck off, Clara! She asks the Doctor to give her something to do, then threatens to punch him when he gives her something to do - crazy bitch. Didn't she use to be likable once?
A: She was really happy in the pre-credits sequence, but now she's a miserable sulking loser. You think an existential crisis and danger would lighten her up!
D: I bet she lost her job at Coal Hill. No pupil would cooperate with her if she's behaving like that.
A: Plus, Maeve telling everyone how she tried to leave the whole class to die wouldn't have helped.
D: I liked Maeve. She'd be way more useful than Clara.
N: Handles' rusting skull would be more useful than Clara. I get trying to make her dark and untrustworthy but all she's offering the series is depriving Michael Troughton of screentime. I bet they cut a lot of his scenes so we could have her huffing on camera.
A: In fairness, JLC is way cuter huffing on camera than Michael Troughton.
Oh yeah, the Doctor finally realizes it's really stupid to leave Dream Crabs on the loose and then send a sulky Clara to collect one so she's even more likely to wake it up.
A: That's really very creepy. In that respect, Moff's mojo is as strong as ever.
D: Clara's finally turned into a screaming companion. That control freak thing is gone for good.
N: They had to get Amy mind-raped, locked in an iron long and about to give birth before she let out a scream like that. But Amy got better. Not sure if Clara will.
D: Oh, come on, Clara! Don't look up at the thing! Are you trying to get killed?
Clara is put into a fantasy world where Danny is alive and every day is Christmas Day.
N: You could almost say it's... better than life?
D: Look, there's even mysterious grafiti saying "You're dying!" "This isn't real!" Grant Naylor should sue!
A: In fairness, that "wipe away the words" trick is epic.
N: Look at how wobbly that bed-headboard is. I bet Clara made it that way so it made the maximum banging every time she went reverse cowgirl on Danny. She even braggs they have kinky role-playing shit because Danny's too inhibited and physically underendowed to satisfy her...
A: I would say you're disgusting and obsessed, Nige, but you're not wrong. I mean, this isn't even subtext!
D: Gah, look, Clara's fantasy involves Danny doing absolutely everything she says with no free will while she insults him. And even in her dream world... she has no friends. No one spends any time with her apart from her chocolate-covered sex slave. It's pitifully shallow...
N: She's still lying to Danny. Even in her perfect world SHE LIES TO HIM! Psychologically-speaking, there's no way round this: Clara, you are fucked. At this point, even Ace and C'rizz are pointing at her and saying "Phew, what a looney!"
The Doctor finds Clara face-hugged and seriously freaks out.
D: Wow. He's practically hysterical. Obviously he's not the real Capaldi, who would've shrugged and whined about how he can't fix everything.
N: Or maybe he's better adjusted now Missy's not screwing him over. Either way, you notice they need the facehugger symbolism to justify the Doctor's worry. No one survives face-hugging.
A: Apart from Ripley.
D: No, Ripley was cloned.
A: So... a Ripley-splinter? See, the Doctor's going to have to get a better Clara now this one's used up.
D: It's really wierd seeing this Doctor actually CARE about someone. He's finally walking the walk.
Santa gets the Doctor his own dream-crab so he can join Clara's nauseating fantasy.
N: Just like Better Than Life. Or Gunmen of the Apocalypse. Or Back in the Red. Or Back to Reality. Or Back to Earth. Or...
D: Did someone give Moffat the Red Dwarf box set as a Christmas Present? And Moff didn't want it and this is his way of taking revenge?
N: How long before Clara's self-loathing beast appears? And will she be stripped to her underwear, chained to a stone bloke, oiled and then tortured with hot pokers? Because that sounds exactly the sort of filthy sex she's into...
Get this: Clara knows it's a dream and it's fatal. She still wants to stay there.
N: Holy shit. She wants to die. She's going to kill herself.
A: Dear Christ, did no one get her some counselling after Danny died? I mean, even Granny Etta could see she was on the verge of a complete breakdown! Or did all the psychiatrists give up on her as a lost cause?
D: This. Just this, people. "Hrm, Doctor Who episode for Christmas. I know, let's have Clara kill herself!" Thanks a lot, Moffat! Did Children In Need reject the prequel where she slashes her wrists in the bath?
N: I guess after Danny, and discovering she was manipulated by a psychopath into ruining the life of her best friend was too much for her. Especially as she has no other friends...
But what's this? Fantasy Danny tells her to man the fuck up.
A: Um. OK. Didn't expect to see that, but it's nice for the ghost of a character to be good for a change. No way would Joss Whedon have ever written a scene like this?
N: You can tell this isn't the real Danny - he's so calm and confident. Mind you, maybe that's how he would be now he doesn't have that kid's death on his conscience. And it's no surprise they didn't leave Clara to look after him, since she's officially on suicide watch.
D: Danny's argument on how to work through grief is very good.
N: Yeah, Dave. You should listen to the fantasy-face-hugging-hallucination-wank-dream person.
D: Of course, Danny had to die a hideous and revolting death and oblivion first. Thanks, Moff.
Clara chooses to wake up. Or does she?
A: Oh, a dream within a dream within a dream. When's Toby Jones turning up?
N: If Piers Fletcher Dervish can sum up the plot with Alien, why don't they reference Inception?
D: Because Alien is a good film. Inception is not.
A: I love Shona trying to sweep up the dead crabs while the others take samples.
D: I know it's not the time or place, but, sorry CLARA TRIED TO FUCKING KILL HERSELF! The fricken elephant is in the room, look how the Doctor's so uncomfortable around her. Has he ever had a companion who might just commit suicide at any moment?
A: Thomas Brewster?
N: No, we just wanted him to kill himself at any moment. But yeah, this is some seriously dark shit. It's gone from Clara trying to help the Doctor recover from his regeneration to the Doctor trying to stop Clara from taking an overdose. It's amazing she lasted till Christmas, really.
A: Obviously he'll need Shona to help keep Clara from self-harm.
N: Clara swings both ways. Maybe Ashley will be her replacement bitch?
Definitely still dreaming.
A: The wonder of a new Doctor - passing off old material as new. It's the same way Season 12 was full of giant maggots but no one noticed because Tom Baker was in place.
D: Oh no, the Doctor's finally being properly Doctory and now Santa's strutting around telling everyone he's stupid and being the one who will save the day! This is kicking a guy while he's down, especially since the Doctor was on the verge of finding the truth anyway.
A: Hang on, if this is the dream, does that mean all the stuff with Danny was a waste of time?
N: Nah, I wouldn't call it padding.
A: No, but it could be a waste of time. I mean, can you wake up from a dream if the crab is holding you in another dream? Huh?
D: And I was sure El Papa Crimbo was going to turn out to be the Dream Lord. Instead he's Cheese Guy!
Everyone holds hands to escape the dream.
A: Seriously, why is the Doctor so autistic nowadays he can't bear physical contact?
D: Ooh, Clara picks Shona to hold the Doctor's hand. That's like when Emma Peel gets whoever her replacement was to look after Steed. Come on, Shona!
A: The Doctor even says she's not an idiot! That's a borderline snog!
N: Dead meat. Poor Shona.
D: Awesome music as Santa saves them. Been a while since Murray Gold's lightened the mood!
A: Why, precisely, isn't Ashley shooting the crab-zombies? I think we can safely say they're beyond help...
Case solved, and the Doctor is outta here. Don't like it? Tough shit.
D: Typical, couldn't go a whole episode without being an irredeemable fuckwit. The Dream Crabs are a threat to all mankind, but it's not his problem! It's like imagining the Fourth Doctor leaving the Krynoids to kill everyone saying "Well, it sure sucks to be you!"
N: He actually says "Am I supposed to do something about the polar bears as well"? Um, you mean you don't do this out of the goodness of your hearts?
A: The Eleventh Doctor helped people out of instinct. He couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't. Even at his most utterly depressed and broken, he still wanted to help. But now the Doctor gets in a huff when the entire human race is in danger?
N: Wasn't Missy supposed to sort this shit out? Why does the Doctor do anything? "Oh, the Daleks are exterminating people? That's what they're built for. Am I supposed to do something about that?"
D: Sweet fuck, he's actually MORE of an asshole in one line than the whole previous series.
A: Unless he's the Dream Lord all along...
Clara is suspicious about the pre-title sequence.
A: Yeah, I was suspicious too. It makes absolutely no sense.
N: Oh it was another dream? There was I thinking it was retarded pre-credit clickbait like all the other times.
The Doctor realizes they're all still in a dream.
A: OK. So did he go back to save Shona and her pals or just to save himself?
D: And now he's deleted all memories of Shona and her pals. Miserable shit.
N: And he doesn't even have an insulting nickname for Piers. How rude.
D: Right, so when is Capaldi quitting again? There's only another, what, four more series of this asshole before we get something better? Oh Moff, you gave us hope and then you took it away.
A: Yeah, suicidal companion and a proved-beyond-all-doubt-iredeemable-shithead Doctor. We can find something else to watch until 2020. Catch up with Big Finish maybe.
N: There are still some Doctor Who Project stories to take the piss out of.
D: Apparently Niel Cross is bringing back Sapphire & Steel.
A: Oooh. Interesting. I wonder if Alice will play Sapphire...
Yeah, turns out the monsters were the crew all along or somesuch shit. Piers gets swallowed by his reflection, but no one cares. More monsters turn up. Stuff like that.
D: I literally cannot care about this any more. It'll just be even more dreams. The Doctor's become so stupid and useless he can't even tell if he's awake! Clara is only there to self-harm! Why should we give a flying fuck if any of them die or not? Moffat has crossed the line where the idea of further adventures with these horrible people no longer appeal. At all.
A: I'll say the fact their evil selves are trying to kill them is right out of Demons and Angels.
D: Or Out of Time.
N: Or Stasis Leak, if you think about it...
Since it's still a dream, Santa turns up and saves them.
A: Well, it makes more sense than an imaginary fire extinguisher.
D: Oh look, another character pauses the story to tell the Doctor off for being a cunt. I wonder how long it will take for him to ignore him. It's like Eric Saward on acid, trying to make everyone hate the character as much as he does until they beg for more adventures.
The Doctor flies the reindeer and might actually be enjoying himself.
D: Meh. Whatever. Am I supposed to find this endearing?
N: It's just padding.
A: Matt Smith did it with a shark. A flying shark. Rudolf doesn't match.
N: Capaldi looks like he really wants to hate doing this.
D: Am I supposed to be impressed? He had his chance and he threw it away. In fact, this whole thing is a mockery of previous Doctors - the London Eye, Big Ben, flying over Parliament... You know, proper adventures where they actually didn't get angry when asked to save people's lives.
A: I bet you he doesn't do anything about the crab that's eaten Piers. Why should he? It's not his problem.
N: Yeah. I think Marc Platt said it best when he said you could change everything about the Doctor and turn him from a drunk to a woman, but as soon as you get someone who isn't interested in other people's problems, he stops being the Doctor.
D: Maybe next season will just be like Britain's Got Talent with the Doctor judging people to see if they're worth his effort. Just a heap of bloody corpses with him grumbling "I'm not cleaning THAT up."
Sexy Scot Bellows wakes up in a wheelchair.
D: Aw. She dreamed she could walk. That actually touches me.
N: So no one at home noticed Granny's screams when she was face-hugged in broad daylight by the Christmas Tree?
A: Hang on, so the dream crabs are real? And they aren't just a metaphor from Alien?
Perfume Perveyor Ashley wakes up not in a wheelchair but in a double bed.
N: So, um, is she single? Or has a crab eaten her boyfriend?
A: The Doctor said they were all from different times. They don't seem to be very different.
And Clearly-Companion-Material Shona wakes up on a couch after all night movies.
D: She watches 80s sci-fi gore on Christmas Eve and then Game of Thrones on Christmas Day? I... I think I'm in love. She's awesome. Please give her a spin-off.
A: I love her list. She agrees to forgive Dave!
N: You're in there, dude.
A: But she doesn't need to be told to forgive him on Christmas. She can work that out on her own.
D: It's clear she had to write "Thing From Another World" rather than "The Thing" which is what she was actually watching. It's because Moffat can't think of another verb.
A: She does look so lonely there. She'd be better off in the TARDIS, scratching some sense into the main character. Maybe she could get him to regenerate into a less-hideous enfleshment.
The Doctor wakes up... two episodes ago.
A: At the volcano? Which was a dream as well? What the...
D: I'm sorry, so this was a dream of a dream in Clara's head? Missy, the Cybermen never happened?
N: I... I... I got nothing. What the hell? What the fucking hell? This is like Dallas on acid.
D: Oooh, maybe this whole season will turn out to be a dream and Matt Smith is back!
Whatever the hell is going on, Clara still wants to die horribly than return to reality.
D: The Christmas spirit really running strong tonight.
A: It's good to see her take Danny's advice to get on with her life so seriously by immediately trying to kill herself.
N: And she calls a Doctor a "downer" for not wanting to join her in a suicide pact.
The Doctor arrives at Clara's place to sonic the face-hugger and save her life.
N: Hang on, his clothes are different.
A: And he's got that specimen jar from the arctic base. Which was a dream. Twice!
N: So this is another dream. Obviously he'll wake up and realize while he was dreaming, she died.
D: Bye, Clara. It wasn't pleasant.
But it turns out Clara was face-hugged when she was 89, not 27!!!
N: Oh. She's, uh... not aged well. Unless she had plastic surgery or stood near the fire.
A: Obviously a dream then.Why would Clara be dreaming she was sixty years younger and recently bereaved and suicidal? Huh? Is there any logic to this? Any at all?
D: Props to JLC for acting, as always. She's convincing as an old lady. As long as you don't see all the latex they've piled on her face. It's like Joanna Lumbley in that Titanic spoof where she has the rubber mask on pretending to be an old Kate Winslet. If there's a difference.
N: The Doctor looks mildly suspicious about her prosthetics, too. He's twigged it's a dream.
The Doctor, however, sees a Clara with convincing makeup.
A: So his face-blindness is genuine after all. He reads people by their auras.
N: It puts a new perspective on him with Amy. No wonder he freaked out when she tried to bonk him - he saw a 7-year-old girl trying to get into his pants!
D: Mind you, he had plenty of bitchiness when he saw how old Jo Grant had got.
A: Hang on, so he sees Clara as the same beautiful girl he met in Bells of St. John... but he thinks of her as an old slapper anyway? I mean, he's said that so often it's quite clear he believes it. Does he just not fancy her because she's not ginger?
N: Still, seems Clara wasn't actually suicidal then. Because she actually lived her life and got on with it.
D: But she still ended up a lonely spinster with no friends.
A: It's a neat turnaround, with the Doctor relatively young and healthy helping withered Clara with the cracker.
D: And she learned how to fly a plane. Obviously that one time she didn't instantly have the upper hand over the Doctor was a driving force in her life.
N: And she admits she really wanted to bang Matt Smith. Well, who wouldn't? Apart from me.
D: Nor me.
A: I dunno. As long as we didn't have to talk afterwards.
N: Remember, he had like a dozen Brazillian supermodels as girlfriends. His bar would be set high.
A: I should hope so! I'm not some trollop!
N: In your dreams.
D: Wow, that's vaguely witty considering what we're watching.
The Doctor realizes he's dreaming. AGAIN! This time, Clara's still 27.
N: So... did Danny and the Cybermen thing happen? This makes even less sense than before!
A: On the bright side, the Doctor's clearly not hiding the fact he loves Clara and Clara isn't going to do this stupid on-off thing any more. Without the stress of modern life and all the lies, she can become a proper companion instead of some hideous tumor of plot contrivance.
D: Oh, yeah, sure. We'll be back in Coal Hill and pathological lying in no time. She'll probably get another boyfriend and it'll all be the same. The whole season has been built on people refusing to learn their lessons or ignoring their epiphinies. Look at the Doctor's "Am I supposed to care?"
N: Yeah, well, that was three layers of dreams down. Should we forgive him?
D: Oh, why not? That way he can dash our hopes again! Let joy be unconfined!
A: Another four years of this.
D: Capaldi being an arse?
N: You complaining about Capaldi being an arse.
Hang on, is it a dream?
N: Oh, for crying out loud. Unless you're saying that your main characters are brain-dead zombies hallucinating, no. No it is not a dream.
A: The Doctor repeatedly said Santa was real. He never actually said that Nick Frost was a fake, at least in the sense that he was based on a non-existent character.
D: Or, you know, it's just a random tangerine. What a stupid twist.
A: Unless we're supposed to believe the real Santa planted the dream crabs and caused all this mess.
D: So, Father Christmas killed Michael Troughton. Ho fucking ho.
But wait! There's more!
D: Wet tunnels. Zombies. Caves. Daleks. Any chance of daylight? Or fun?
N: Hey! Missy's back, despite all the snipers! There's "fun" supplied, right there.
A: And the Doctor seems more ruffled and casual instead of the Pertwee control freak. His hair's longer, curlier, and he's wearing a hoodie and Troughton's pants. You know, clothes that look comfortable. And he's hugging people without vomiting in disgust.
N: Oh, Zygons. Again.
A: Dude, he's turned into Roy Orbison! Funky!
D: "I'm the Doctor and I save people!" Well, that's very different to him whinging about it. Assuming it's him and not some body-snatcher taking the piss, because I could totally see him letting all those underwater dudes die horribly. Is he supposed to do something about that?
N: Arya Stark is Dick Turpin!
D: Hang on, they're not letting Gatiss adapt Phantasmagoria, are they?
A: Remember when we thought he'd do Nightshade for Season Fnarg?
N: Next season doesn't look too bad.
D: Pity we had to go through this one first.
Episode: Death In Heaven
Song: Cosmic Cowboys by the Doug Anthony All-Stars
The first proper two part in three years kicks off with Danny getting an abusive phone call from Clara.
Dave: Ooh! Weeping Angel! No? Oh. Wierd emphasis to that statue otherwise.
Andrew: You can tell a lot about a guy from his ringtone. Danny's "old telephone trill" suggests he has the vaguest desire to be cool and anti-establishment but no real idea how to do so. He's a sheep and he knows it, yet at the same time he hates himself.
Nigel: Oh god, what pack of lies is Clara banging on about this week?
Dave: She's screaming "Shut up!" over the phone at her boyfriend before he can say anything? Why hasn't she been declared criminally insane by now? She should be in a padded cell!
Andrew: Clara wants to come clean. But she can only do this over the phone screaming abuse at Danny that she has never loved or will love anyone else in the whole wild world ever. What? She didn't have any kind of romantic feelings in her whole life until now?
Nigel: Maybe she's really in the closet? I mean REALLY in the closet. We're talking her postcode is Narnia deep in the closet? The frustration is driving her crazy...
By the way, Danny just got run over.
A: That was a very quiet hit and run. I mean, she can hear the traffic noise and footsteps over the phone but she didn't hear the sickening crunch and screams?
D: What is it with English people walking across roads without looking while on the phone? I mean, even the biggest houso bogan in Boganville wouldn't be that stupid. These Brits are morons! Like when Amy couldn't possibly comprehend the idea of CPR when even Buffy could do it...
N: Maybe Danny threw himself under a boss screaming "I can't take this shit any more!"
D: This show's been so miserable and depressing, I can't blame him.
A: Is the woman on the phone David Tennant in drag. How many times can you say "I'm so, so sorry" in one breath?
D: This is a dream. Clara runs out to see the cops and the paramedics and then they vanish in the blink of an eye and she stands in the middle of moving traffic? How does that work? Is she suicidal too now?
N: Nah, she's changed her jumper. She must be back the next day or something.
D: But she's still standing in traffic. That's like Prince Charles mourning by getting his taxi driver drunk in Paris...
N: A clear reminder she has no friends. No one's even trying to look after her. See kids, this is what being a lying control freak will do to you! Leave you alone and crazy! Thatcher!!
A: Holy crap, those photos of Danny are awful. Those are not the photos you would want to show "we trusted your children this guy". He looked like an original Star Trek monster!
D: Who left the teddy bear? Was that Maeve?
Clara takes this very well. That is, she stops even pretending to be sane any more.
N: Grandma Etta is back! Cool...
D: Mind you, this really shows how bad Clara's got. She was weeping buckets that the Doctor was going to die at Christmas, now she's just a bug-eyed zombie who can't be trusted with sharp objects.
A: Grandma Etta is clearly scared of how badshit insane she's got...
N: Clara's god complex has reached its apotheosis as she now believes the universe owes her.
D: Well, she did save it a shitload of times and put up with the new Doctor.
N: Oh well, that's all right. As long as she's not being selfish.
Clara decides to call in the Doctor's debts.
A: They're really filming this like Clara's gone evil and the Doctor's in danger.
N: And it seems they're recreating the end of Revenge of the Sith. Bet you anything the Doctor shouts "You were the chosen one!" then kicks Clara into the lava pit and then Missy turns her into Darth Oswald. I mean, she's gone the same way, even down to being prepared to murder the children in her care...
D: Well, they've done so much Star Wars stuff in NuWho. Might as well finish it off.
Clara drugs the Doctor, traps him in a volcano and starts to torture him.
A: Is this where Caecillius turns up? Are they in Pompeii?
D: This is horrible! Clara's using everything she knows about the Doctor to ruin his life! She's gone evil!
Clara will destroy all the Doctor's TARDIS keys if he doesn't go back in time and save Danny.
A: Oh, and the invisible-talisman keys can be melted by lava. Very Tolkien.
N: Seven TARDIS keys. What about Clara's, and the Doctor's and the one above the door and - oh yeah - the fact you can just snap your fingers and open the doors! Clara's not thought this through.
D: That's not the point. The point is what she thinks she's doing, which is to make the Doctor suffer the worst thing she can think of.
A: The Doctor's not endearing himself with his "So Danny's dead? How does this concern me?" attitude...
N: "You're trying to take control! You're out of your depth!" Clara's real self in one scene. She's all reasonable but the moment anyone shows free will she snaps and goes psycho. Does she even care Danny's dead or just that he died without her say so? And people say Rose was nasty and deluded...
The Doctor tells Clara to get stuffed. She destroys all the keys.
A: What a rubbish negotiation! Just agree to Clara and then Venusian aikido her when she drops her guard!
N: Did Clara actually have a plan now they're both marooned inside a volcano? I mean... really?
D: JLC's quite good at this crazy acting, isn't she?
N: Even now Clara's angry that the Doctor's not reacting the way she likes! Nutter!
But that never happened. The Doctor roofied her when he saw how crazy she was.
D: So... it was all a dream? Is Danny alive then? No... wait. That's an interesting twist.
N: What an epic smackdown. Not only has Clara's psychosis been exposed, she's reminded she's not even control of her own consciousness let alone anything else. Still, only way you can deal with a control freak I suppose. Guess this is their last story.
A: The Doc's quiet, friendly "go to hell" suggests he is very, very angry. Kind of like the worst Malcolm Tucker was when he whisperboarded people.
N: Bye, Clara.
But wait, the Doctor forgives Clara. He just loves the damn Impossible Girl.
Um. Sweet. I guess. But she is just doing her Bambi eyes like she did with the Half-Face Man...
The Doctor's going "Well, this violently unstable control freak who is willing to try and destroy my life in the worst possible way and betray everything I stand for makes a good companion"? I mean, that's just asking for trouble no matter how lovely he acts.
He must be desperate to keep her round. Which, ironically, is what drove her crazy in the first place.
Yeah, the Doctor should get her some grief counselling first. The two of them are bad influences on each other. You'd separate them at rehab, wouldn't you?
The Doctor decides not to change history and save Danny but instead kidnap him from the afterlife.
D: You can't think of anything else? Like, clone him with space science or download him into a Flesh Avatar or, I dunno... something else?
N: Is the Doctor doing this to save Danny or confront Clara with the fact Danny is gone for good? What do they expect to happen - the TARDIS will land at the pearly gates?
A: Odd that the Doctor instantly thinks of "Hell" as the afterlife rather than heaven. Is he that pessimistic or did the dream of the volcanic landscape get him in a mood?
N: Ooh, Clara's fingering the console again.
D: So the whole hider thing was absolute irrelevent - the squelchy gyno-controls of the TARDIS were all that was needed for the ongoing plot?
Clara pilots the TARDIS to a mausoleum where bodies rot in tanks of water.
D: That Cyber-eye logo makes it pretty obvious who the badguys are the Cybermen. It has no other meaning, how much more obvious could it be that there are Cybermen involved?
N: 3W? As in W3, The Wheel in Space, notable Cyberman story?
A: "Xylo Jones"? Is Ianto going to turn up? Or Harriet?
D: I think they put more effort in making the skeletons scary rather than realistic. I mean, does that skeleton that turns its head look like an actual animated skeleton? It looks fake! Scary fake, but fake.
N: So when is this? Where is this? The technology's very futuristic with interface holograms. Is this Tranquil Repose 2: This Time The Regulars Fucking Do Something! or what?
D: I bet this is the dream. Feels pretty dreamy.
Missy arrives. She is a crazy sexbot which, it has to be said, explains a lot.
A: Even though she's being friendly, both the Doctor and Clara are shit-scared of her. Very wise.
D: And now Missy's molesting the Doctor. She's just going to turn out to be Sue White all along.
N: Ms. Gomez seems to be typecast. Unless she just improvs all this crazy shit.
A: So, how would we feel if it was Clara getting groped and slobbered on while the Doctor did nothing?
N: Pretty much any given episode of Season 22, obviously.
A: Oh yeah. Oh why oh why did Moff try to do it all over again?
Missy summons the perky eurasian Dr. Chang to explain everything.
A: Why are the skeletons turning their heads like that? They can't actually see through the sides of their tanks, can they? Why hasn't anyone noticed it bar Missy?
D: So this is 2014 and they have flying holograms and robots. Is this part of Stark Industries?
Turns out the tanks are full of x-ray liquid that hides the metal exoskeleton holding the corpses together.
D: Ooh, there might as well be a scrolling caption saying "THE CYBERMEN ARE BACK!"
A: So, dark water allows you to hide anything except organic matter. But why can we see the chairs the skeletons are sitting on? Why would anyone want to see the skeletons rotting away given the choice?
N: Chang wants dark water in swimming pools so he can scope some naked flesh. Even though lots of old and fat and underage people are in swimming pools, the dirty fucker.
A: I bet he's got a restraining order from all the nude beaches.
D: The Doctor's swearing on psychic paper - dumb Thick of It joke or is he really upset by the whacky sexual molestation adventure he just endured. I bet if Mark Gatiss wrote it, he would have bunched Missy out and kicked her in the ribs screaming abuse. Coz he's written things like that. A lot.
Dr. Chang explains that when people die their consciousness is trapped in their decaying corpses.
D: He says no one ever considered that. Apart from Tanith Lee, obviously.
N: So the skeleton in the room is called Dr. Skarosa? SKARO-sa?!?!
D: This Doctor assumes the stuff about the afterlife is all bollocks. So, based on past performance it means the afterlife is one hundred per cent pukka.
A: "If you've had a recent loss, this might be disturbing." Surely if you've EVER had a loss, it'd be disturbing.
N: I don't see the problem. OK, being cremated will hurt or being dissected will hurt but it's not eternal damnation. The agony won't last forever, or else everyone in the afterlife would be too busy screaming in pain from the last thing that killed them.
A: Yeah, and what happens after total decomposition? How does that work?
D: "Speak for me again and I'll detach something." Wow, Clara's guilt-ridden gratitude has gone quick.
N: The Doctor's ranting about dead is dead not only recall Miracle Day in Torchwood but also makes clear he wanted to prove Danny was beyond help. That's nasty.
In the afterlife, Danny wakes up in an office with equally perky Ollie Reeder.
D: Typical. Only the villains are nice people...
N: It's quite dark compared to the bright heaven we saw before. Is this a racism thing?
D: It's not a garden or an eternal white corridor, it's hollow Earth with Tokyo on the inside. Huh?
A: Danny's an orphan. Doesn't he want to see his parents?
D: Why in the same of fuck are there ambulance sirens in the afterlife?
A: I like Ollie's argument about embryos and the nature of existence. It's very true that we judge reality based on impirical knowledge rather than outside perspective.
N: You are speaking meaningless words. Stop.
Ollie suggests Danny chat to a little boy he killed in Afghanistan.
D: Yeah. That'll cheer him up.
A: "So... you OK?" has to be the dumbest question to someone you murdered when you see them in the afterlife.
N: Was it a surprise Danny killed a kid? Really?
D: I think it's a surprise they killed a kid in this show. Mind you, can this kid speak English? Can he speak at all?
A: At least we don't get an ISIS bloke bitching about infidels...
N: Yeah, where the hell are the 72 virgins?! You think there'd be a tad more religious dogma in this one.
D: Ollie says Steve Jobs is there. Will we get some celebrities like Elvis, Hitler or Rik Mayall?
Dr. Chang gives Clara a chance to ring Danny in the afterlife.
N: Danny looks properly frightened. Even death won't stop the cow harrassing him.
A: The TARDIS took them here because Danny was somehow connected to this place, ergo there's a good chance Danny is there. Why is the Doctor so damned determined to call it all a fake?
N: Yeah, what happened to the open-minded adventurer who loved new planets.
D: Died on Trenzalore. That's why we don't call this show Doctor Who any more.
Missy awakens all the skeletons and empties the dark water to reveal they are Cybermen.
D: My god, they could have named this The Cybermen Are Back and it couldn't have been more obvious.
N: They're really bending over backwards making our heroes so stupid/or preoccupied to notice the dead are standing or the whole place is decorated by Cyber designs. Its like Missy is desperate to be caught.
A: Didn't Chang get suspicious at the fact the suits were shaped by Cybermen? Or the tanks had an empty button that could only be operated from inside?
Missy then cranks up the batshit insanity and zaps Chang.
D: Jeez, Missy's a lot more fun company than the Doctor, isn't she? She's probably the only person in this story perhaps this season who actually gets out of bed in the morning and actually looks forward to the day ahead.
A: Yeah, and she's so proactive compared to the Doctor. He's spent the whole episode either being stupid, angry or both and she's run rings around him in five seconds flat without even trying.
N: Plus she seems determined to make herself as suspicious as possible. This is like a DWAD where they make the villains more powerful by lobotomizing the cast...
A: She even showed she wasn't a robot but the Doctor still didn't twig! Moron! Are we sure that drug thing didn't leave him stoned? He's never been so slow on the uptake before!
Clara and Danny's cosmic phone call does not go well. Clara hangs up on him, ungrateful bitch.
A: Clara bitches Danny knowing her birthday isn't proof. So why did she ask if he knew her birthday?
D: Isn't Danny insisting he doesn't want to commit suicide to join him enough proof?
N: Typical, Clara doesn't give a shit about what Danny wants.
D: It's another show that her control freakery actually makes her incredibly easily to manipulate. Since she never bluffs, its simple to get her to do something stupid like hang up. The Doctor refusing to obey was the same, as soon as it's clear you're not bluffing, there's nothing for them to lose.
N: I swear, Clara's going to either die or have a total nervous breakdown in this...
Missy cheerfully reveals the Afterlife is in fact the Matrix she stole from Gallifrey and is using it to create a brand new army of Cybermen by uploading souls into converted bodies.
N: Wow. She's not the Rani, she's having too much fun.
A: She can't be Romana or River Song... she must be Ruath.
N: Yeah, or some similar psycho girlfriend who's into necrobiotech.
D: Maybe she's the Time Lord Clara we saw?
Turns out this whole 3W thing is inside St. Paul's. Um, yeah.
N: Which is stupid in every concievable respect unless Missy is desperate to recreate some publicity photos from The Invasion.
A: And that seems to be what she's after.
D: Man, it's really quite pathetic seeing this tiny amount of Cybermen mince through a single doorway and skipping down the steps. Look, you can see members of the public going into St. Paul's in the background shots even though its supposed to be vomiting an endless Cyber-army.
A: Wierd how there seemed to be so many more Cybermen back in 1978. Maybe because they weren't conspiciously in groups of three so far apart.
N: Does this frighten newbies? I mean, it's not as awesome as the last Cyber-army we saw...
Back in the Matrix, Danny is given the ultimate temptation.
A: Ooh. That really means every converted Cyberman really did sell their souls and they are damned.
D: Surely not everyone chooses to delete their emotions! I mean, would Amy and Rory do that? The little kid hasn't! How many mentally-sound people have chosen to stay normal, or are we supposed to think the traffic jams are full of Cybermen behind the wheels honking their horns?
A: What happened to those who got uploaded to the afterlife who don't have convertable bodies like, er, everyone Missy met personally? Wait, think I answered my own question there...
N: And as for Danny, yes, he'd be upset but why doesn't he choose to visit his family instead of instantly trying to lobotomize his own brain? I mean, dude, you've got the rest of your life...
Missy cuts the crap and reveals she's actually the Master post-sex-change.
A: You know what? I totally believe that.
N: Yeah, it makes sense of everything - even this totally retarded plan that has only one goal to make the Doctor look like a total pratt. It's completely in character.
D: So, our first blatant transexual Time Lord. It's pretty much a given now Capaldi's replacement will be a woman now.
A: Hopefully a cheerful woman, a real Phryne Fisher type instead of a goth emo bint.
D: Oh man, they've recreated the Cybermen walking down the steps and it's awful! Awful! It's like a fan promo or something with cosplayers! It's as apocalyptic as a bus ticket and sadly we've long crossed the line of audience apathy. Who cares if Missy destroys the world and wipes out mankind? This series had made it feel like a blessed relief because life is pointless and miserable and only crazy people believe in true love...
N: Dave, you been taking your meds?
D: They're not enough. DAMN YOU MOFFAT!
The good news is Clara's not suicidal. Bad news is she's now insisting she's the Doctor.
A: And with a last look at reality beach, Clara paddles off into the waters of total insanity.
N: Is she trying to bluff her way with the Cyberiad? Or has she just lost it? No one believes she's actually telling the truth - otherwise why, er, absolutely everything we've seen. This is just goddamned padding.
D: Look at that Cyberman's neck. It's all cracked. Is that important now?
A: Well, now we know what the blue chest thing is for - google face-match.
N: Oh, now she's in the title sequence for one retarded padding joke? Is Moffat mixing his meds?
Outside, no one seems to notice the Cybermen. But they're actually UNIT operatives playing dumb.
D: Okay... Missy is the Master, the bodies are Cybermen, the passer-bys are UNIT and Clara is the Doctor. So who's the Doctor? Is he just a loser body-double?
N: Hope so. Kate and Osgood seem more patronizing than awe-inspired of this new one.
A: Maybe they've met him before. Or something. I'm sorry I don't give a shit any more.
N: Well, Capaldi's got his Dalek, Cybermen, Master, UNIT, Silurians and Sontarans in one dark gritty adult season. He can die happy now while we live in misery.
Kate explains who she is to the unimpressed Cybermen. Then throws an Invasion head at them.
D: Why is Kate acting like Matt Smith on speed? She knows that won't scare them.
A: Yeah, Osgood and the Doctor and the Cybermen seem a bit boggled at her coffee rush.
N: And aren't these the ultimate Cybermen who will upgrade themselves to any attack? So this info-dump posturing by Kate is - like Clara's insanity - just a waste of time.
A: And why is she facing Cybermen in red high-heels? Huh? Answer me that.
The Cybermen get bored and fly off. And then become suicide bombers. Because it's a cheerful ep.
D: Oh and now Missy is dissing humanity as well. After a whole season of the Doctor doing it, it's like this show is gripped with a kind of feral self-hatred...
N: So that whole confrontation was a waste of time! You see?
A: Missy is in charge of the Cybermen, so that explains some of the theatrics.
N: Why the complicated explanation for St. Paul's? Just say it's Missy's TARDIS!
D: Osgood has kept the tradition of Classic Who by being able to tell something's going to explode before it does and telling the audience to look at it...
Kate decides to tranquilize both Time Lords to stop their bitching.
A: Says so much Missy passes out with a funny line, the Doctor hurls abuse at all his friends for being stupid and human and stuff like that instead of trusting they know what they're doing.
D: God, I hope they beat him up while he's unconscious the stupid bastard.
N: More padding. We can't have the Doctor tell us something, he's got to whisper it to Osgood, pass out, then Kate asks Osgood to repeat it. No wonder this episode needs another ten minutes...
The exploding Cybermen turn to ominous rainclouds and the Matrix empties.
A: OK, this isn't a bit like Return of the Living Dead.
N: If it was we would have got Clara naked and dancing on a tomb.
D: The night is still young, and she's just crazy enough to do it.
N: Look, the Chaplet Funeral Home. Either Dodo married an undertaker or she carked it too. Will she come back as a Cyberman? Presumably the really stupid one with the wayward accent?
D: Why's the floor covered with Cyber-spunk if it's supposed to be being sucked into all the corpses?
A: And if Danny's turning into a Cyberman, does that mean the kid has as well? Won't be a really short Cyberman stomping through the Middle East?
N: Hey, his death certificate says "KNOWN AS DANNY PINK". So he didn't change his name after all?
D: It strikes me either Danny has to come back to life to sire Orson and inspire legends about time travel.
A: Unless time is rewritten.
D: What was the point of having Orson then? This makes Listen even more of a waste of time!
Meanwhile, UNIT load the Doctor, Missy and the TARDIS onto Airforce One.
A: I like how the Doctor convulses into life exactly at the ten minute mark.
D: I like how the Doctor insists Clara is his friend, not his assistant.
N: Mind you, that's probably because she is definitely not of any assistance.
There is a lengthy digression into Gerry Anderson programs for some reason.
N: What is this?! Why the hell do we care if Osgood and Sanjiv mix up Captain Scarlet and Thunderbirds? I mean, sweet merciful fuck that really is the important matter at the moment!
D: Is Osgood getting it wrong because she's really a Zygon? What is the point of this?
A: They're talking about the Valiant like it still exists? Didn't the Daleks nuke it? Is it Valiant 2?
Mind you, it's positively heartwarming compared to the Doctor.
A: Can we drug the ungrateful asshole again?
D: OK, Doctor, you don't like soldiers. Either piss off or shut the hell up! It's a global Cyber invasion, can you stop hurling abuse at everyone and get on with it?
A: He's even insulting Kate for caring about her father. THE GODDAMNED BRIGADIER! What is wrong with him? Is it being drugged repeatedly caused him to vomit spite over people?
N: Even worse is they're just standing there, taking it like redhaired stepchildren. And the Doctor's not done a single damn thing in this entire series to earn their respect.
Thankfully Kate shuts him up by telling him they've made him President of Earth.
D: It's clear everyone who agreed to that protocol was expecting Matt Smith.
A: The Doctor puts 22 sugars into his tea and then licks the plate with the sugar? Is this one of his "eat wierd stuff to reprogram his biology"? Was the drug making him an asshole all along?
D: All the anti-American stuff seems extra bitchy considering Obama's in charge.
N: More racism.
Meanwhile, Clara's still fantasizing she is the first female Doctor.
D: Looks like they cut the scene explaining how Clara got to the empty tanks with two more Cybermen to convince of her totally deluded crazy bollocks. Obviously the Gerry Anderson stuff is vital to the plot.
N: How does Clara know all this stuff? I thought we'd established she doesn't remember her trip through the timestream? Or have the drugs affected her too?
A: It's pretty generic stuff she's saying, but it does imply Clara's met Jenny at some point.
D: It's really obvious the Cybermen are different heights. That's really distracting for some reason. Couldn't the guy in the middle stand on a box or something?
Cyber-Danny turns up, smacks the bitch down and opens a can of whup-ass.
N: Is the new Cyber-catchphrase a very deadpan "Correct"?
D: There's very good body-language from Cyber-Danny. It shows just how flexible the new suits are. The Cybus ones couldn't even move their heads...
A: So, those three Cybermen he blew up. Did they go back to the Matrix?
On AF1, the Doctor and Missy take foe yay to new levels.
A: You've got to admire the acting. You really believe it's Pertwee and Delgado in different bodies.
N: Disgusting thought, but true.
D: It's also a bit Heath Ledger's Joker, the way you realize she is so insane she can't be intimidated, reasoned with and is also frighteningly intelligent. It's a real relief for her to cut this prick of a Doctor down to size by reminding him how ignorant and powerless he is.
N: The Doctor gets the last word though, appropriately.
A: Um, why are they holding the most dangerous criminal in one room with the TARDIS and an unarmed scientist in a cargo hold? I mean, that's asking for trouble.
The Doctor starts being nice to Osgood.
A: Must've been the reaction to the drug after all. You see, give them a chance and they'll impress you, Doc!
D: The underplayed reaction to the Master's sex-change really sells the idea. I literally cannot see anything stopping the next Doctor being a woman.
N: So, is Osgood dissing Thatcher or Bryan Green from Children of Earth when she says Missy wasn't the worst British Prime Minister? Or maybe both.
A: Osgood's studying the concept art of Missy's gizmo - now THAT is thorough.
The Doctor offers Osgood a role as companion. She's up for it.
D: She's doomed. Or the Doctor'll put her off.
A: The Doctor's obviously not thinking Clara will stay a companion, is he?
N: You think maybe next season we'll have Osgood and Perkins as companions? That'd be awesome.
D: Hang on, they left Missy's control bracelet on? They didn't search her? Shouldn't she be stripped, black-bagged and in a straightjacket? I mean, the trolley's on wheels!
A: Maybe Missy's hypnotized them all to be stupid.
N: Sadly, that's the best explanation on offer.
Clara wakes up in a creepy overcast graveyard.
A: This is really very unnerving.
D: Look - 17:08, they add another filter to the footage so everything instantly gets darker in the middle of a shot. God damn it, that is the most amateur thing we've seen since that kid in Night Terrors!
A: When there's no more room in the Matrix, the dead will walk the Earth!
N: Ooh, Cybermen out of their graves - even if you haven't read Dead Ringers or listened to The Reaping, you'd still get deja vu from the 11DA Plague of the Cybermen...
There are Cybermen in the graveyard, but somehow Clara can't quite see them.
N: Why are they jumping back and forth like ninjas out of her line of sight?
A: And it's not like we're surprised that Cybermen are there. This is really coy. Was this sequence supposed to be at the start of the episode or something?
D: It's so obvious this was filmed on a sunny day with filters on. It's like Logopolis all over again...
On AF1, President Doctor realizes they are totally and utterly screwed.
N: Once again, he gives up at the first sign of trouble. No fist loser.
D: Great, so everyone who's ever lived has been turned into a Cybermen! Yay!
A: Except Ollie said that only recently-deceased minds were there, because presumably 8th Century Mongolian warlords aren't in sufficient state to be resurrected...
D: But we saw a Cyberman climb out of a 1748 gravestone... dude, is Jamie going to turn up?
N: He didn't die in 1748. I think.
A: But still, it means at least people buried from 1745 onward are capable of being converted. So Jenny from the Paternoster Gang might show up. And Amy and Rory and who knows who else?
D: Always assuming they didn't get deleted from the Matrix because they couldn't be upgraded?
N: The diagram shows that only a few from every graveyard are transforming. So Missy's lines about every grave giving birth was more incoherent trailer-friendly bullshit.
It's all getting a bit grim so Missy's here to lighten things up with a Kill-Bill-esque killing spree.
N: It's so cruel, yet so funny and remember when the Doctor was this entertaining?
D: This is right of Jekyll, isn't it? The way she moves like lightning, the countdown, the forewarnings, the dancing over the corpses... I'm not complaining, but this isn't original.
A: Here's a bit of trivia. Missy sings Hey Mickey which first came out during Time-Flight in 1982. Which was a Master story. I guess. Um.
Missy nukes Osgood.
N: Well, I guess they needed something to stop Missy being more popular than the Doctor. We'd still think she was awesome if she'd just killed those two guards.
D: Missy is yet another long-drawn-out-murderer like the Teller or the Antibodies or the Foretold... It's getting tedious folks. At least Daleks cut to the freaking chase.
A: Will Osgood go to the Matrix now? Maybe we'll find out what happens to people without bodies to convert.
In the graveyard, Clara continues to give Cyber-Danny GBH of the earhole.
A: Now she's ranting that she's not the Doctor but she is the Doctor's best friend. How long before she's screaming that she met him once in a party, and they didn't make eye contact but it still counts?
D: Her big speech that she always forgives, always trusts and never lies to the Doctor is in fact a steaming pile of crap. Has she really lost grip on reality? Or is she just trying to stop the Cybermen from killing her?
N: No wonder Cyber-Danny contemplates blowing her head off to SHUT HER THE FUCK UP!
D: Very good body-language with the Cyberman literally shaking with rage.
A: Surprised Clara's mum hasn't turned up...
Clara finally twigs who Cyber-Danny is. A clue: he's not the Rani.
D: Oh that is gross! His face is screwed to the inside of the mask!
N: At least he didn't have a rotting skull with red gems for eyeballs.
A: Danny wants his emotion inhibitor on because it deletes emotions? You can see why he never taught English.
N: But the inhibitor in his suit can't turn him into a Cyberman, otherwise there would be no point getting people to wipe their emotions in the Matrix. Obviously the inhibitor wouldn't remove his personality and identity, which you'd assume is necessary...
Missy summons an army of flying Cybermen to tear AF1 apart.
D: Yes! Positive action! UNIT's just been moping how screwed they are, while Missy takes the initiative.
N: We really shouldn't be finding her more admirable than the main cast, should we?
A: Dunno. Worked for Spike most of the time.
D: I love the one Cyberman punching at that particular bit of hull. Bet he suffered OCD in life.
A: Aw, there goes Sanjiv. Is he going to the Matrix now? Are there more cut scenes?
In the hold, Missy gives an itemized list of why the Doctor and Clara suck.
N: So Missy was woman in shop. Quelle surprise.
D: She chose an unstable control freak as the Doctor's companion so manipulating Clara would manipulate the Doctor. Smackdown! I bet Missy ran over Danny - and I bet that's in a missing scene too.
A: It's an interesting story arc, very anti-RTD. Instead of enabling each other from their friendship, the Doctor and Clara are the worst possible people around each other - they are poisonous to the point they can't even stop one of the Master's most batshit ideas with plenty of warning.
D: And the Doctor's unable to do anything to Missy but tell her to shut up.
A: It's interesting to compare. Tennant became serious around the Master but that was more drammatic because he treated everything else like a joke. Capaldi is always such a misery-guts git, there's no difference from how he reacts to... well, anything.
N: I mean, even when Saxon turned him into an elf he had more presence and dignity. It's Eric Saward's dreams come true - Cybermen, bloody corpses, a powerless Doctor picked on by a pantomine villain... I bet he gets aroused if ever he watches this.
Clara rings up demanding the Doctor help her switch off Cyber-Danny's soul.
D: Missy's not lying, is she? Clara exists only to drag the Doctor into her mess and she refuses to listen to anyone else, and the Doctor's dog-like loyalty means he can't stop her.
N: Basically, Clara cut off the Doctor's balls.
A: As she threatened to do in part one.
D: This is really sadistic treatment of Danny. Moffat's definitely in one of his black moods where he wants every single character to suffer horribly for daring to exist in his imagination.
Missy gets bored of this exposition and throws Kate overboard and teleports away, leaving the Doctor in the wreck of AF1 as the Cybermen blow it up and throw it at Belgium.
D: Wow, the Doctor's managed to get every one of his followers killed in less than half an hour. Even Saward couldn't undermine the character that efficiently. How the hell's he going to turn this round?
N: I think he needs to die, regenerate into Essie Davis and start kicking arse.
D: I'm not joking, Matt Smith's Doctor could easily have surfboarded over to the TARDIS and escaped this whereas all Capaldi can do is plummet and scream.
A: I suppose knowing the Doctor's been totally emasculated by Missy's cunning plan makes him more of a tragic figure than a colossal bastard - she's screwed with his development so he won't be a threat. If Capaldi sticks round for another season I hope he becomes the Doctor proper.
The Doctor skydives into the TARDIS with a magic TARDIS key.
N: Of course he could have done that inside the plane but apparently this episode was underrunning.
D: I don't get why Ollie Reeder is so impressed. It's not Ace Rimmer surfing a crocodile, is it?
A: I guess Missy's insanity is why she just decided to try and kill the Doctor despite her huge plan otherwise.
N: It's sad Missy's casual slaughter of Ollie feel more awesome than the Doctor escaping certain death.
The Doctor then goes to the graveyard to talk sense into Clara. What a waste of time.
D: Hah! I like that Cyberman in the background that turns away once the Doctor starts speechifying. "OK, this has nothing to do with me, no thanks..."
A: For all his insight into the Doctor, Danny genuinely can't buy the idea he's a nice guy underneath being such an asshole. Notably, the Doctor can't justify it either.
D: While I agree with Danny that the Doctor's a hypocritical twat with no moral highground, he does seem to be prioritizing getting one over the Doctor rather than say the ultimate safety of all mankind.
N: Yeah. The Doctor is genuinely upset realizing he might have to sacrifice Danny for the greater good, but Clara just sees an excuse to get what she wants.
A: Or a chance to put her lover out of inhuman misery.
N: Yeah, but she gets her way and she keeps saying "Do what you're told!" to the Doctor.
Clara sonics Cyber-Danny and turns him into an unfeeling killing machine. This improves their relationship immeasurably.
A: That really is probably the only moment they've been truly honest - admitting they were totally mismatched and utterly terrible at their relationship, even though their love was genuine.
D: This is a very depressing, cynical and gut-hollowing nihilistic death-fetishist bollocks. But it is VERY well written and well-acted.
N: Huge props for the way Danny's face changes. Up there with Derek Jacobi and fob-watch.
A: So Cyber-Danny still has his personality, even without his emotions. Is that because he didn't do the delete in the Matrix or what? Is every Cyberman in the place just as friendly? What?
Missy appears to take the piss out of everything.
A: At last, the Doctor does something! He snatches Missy's death ray and saves Clara!
N: It's pretty pathetic moment really. Mind you, you don't doubt for a second Missy is willing to pull the trigger. She's really quite like Anthony Ainley, especially the eyes and the smile...
D: What does "moorish" mean?
A: Um, African muslim I think.
N: Is she mocking Danny for being black! I knew this series was racist!
Missy reveals the new unstoppable army is a birthday present for the Doctor.
N: I totally buy the Master is the one person who would remember the Doctor's birthday.
D: So now "every human who ever lived" is now a Cyberman? She can't be right, can she?
A: Missy's really delivering a no-holds-barred smackdown on the Doctor, isn't she? She's proved he's completely useless without an army - and she's right, he could have solved things a lot quicker with a Cyber army. Because his own ideas are crap.
N: And the thing is that the Doctor and the Master both think the universe is crap and needs saving. She's right, they're not that different. Even the Doctor says so.
D: So, hang on, the clouds have gone from turning dead people into Cybermen into napalm or something? N: So all the dead that can be converted have been converted? I'm sensing missing scenes again.
A: Missy's "I need my friend back!" just explains the character perfectly, especially given their truce at the end of The End of Time. Part Two.
The Doctor has a blue-screen of death when Missy makes him admit he's not a good man.
N: Excellent acting from Capaldi. Looks like he's having a heart attack.
A: So Missy was counting on the Doctor's arrogance to make him take up the challenge rather than admit defeat? Or does she genuinely think he's a good man? Coz, as we know, no one else does.
D: The flashbacks show the Doctor's been far more worried about being a good man than actually being one, which as Clara made a big deal about is not done by tryhards.
The Doctor finally twigs he's not a good man and the whole story arc was a waste of time.
A: I love how Missy is so pleased to see the Doctor happy, even though she's totally failed.
D: Assuming the Doctor actually means a single word of that, he's finally got his mojo back.
Cyber-Danny takes command of all Cybermen and has them suicide-bomb the storm clouds so Missy's threat to mankind is wiped out once and for all.
A: Wow, Sydney was going to get rained on. That means all the Anzacs are Cybermen!!!
D: Well, so now all the loved ones from the past three hundred years can finally die in peace.
A: Wilf's wife was one of those exploding Cybermen, you know.
D: And William Hartnell. And Ghandi. In fact almost anyone you can think of suffered unending torment in cyberspace, was turned into a Cyberman and then was blown up. I think Moffat really needed to lighten the hell up. How he wrote this without self-harming amazes me...
A: Did someone insult him for not killing characters off properly or something? There's a real "Up yours!" vibe to this. You want a gritty Doctor and lots of death! YOU DAMN WELL GET IT!
N: Again, did Eric Saward turn up at Cardiff or something?
Clara is not in a forgiving mood and wants Missy dead.
N: Does Clara know she's the Master? I mean, given her stalkerish obsession on the Doctor it seems odd she wouldn't know about Mr. Beardy...
D: The Doctor's not calling her bluffs any more. She's clearly insane enough to execute Missy in cold blood.
A: I love Missy's disbelieving "Seriously?" She can't quite comprehend she's twisted these two the point they will cross the line and kill her. She actually overestimates how good they are.
D: So the Doctor's going to lose his soul if he murder someone? Didn't he already do that with the Half-Face Man? And the Boneless?
N: Moff's clearly trying to top RTD from killing off the Master so believably twice. If they were ever going to kill off the character for real, how could you not have the Doctor do it to save his companion's soul.
D: "You win." Surprised they didn't use that line in the trailers, really.
But before the Doctor can kill Missy - and don't dare think he wasn't going to - another Cyberman zaps her. It is obviously the Cyber-Brigadier, but they never actually say this.
A: I don't buy for a second Missy's dead, like the way she very specifically steps between the graves and, oh yeah, has a machine for harvesting dead minds and putting them into new bodies...
D: Maybe it's like his ring on the funeral pyre and just sequel fodder?
N: And a shot from her own Cybermen was the one thing she'd be ready for. And we still haven't found her TARDIS yet...
Uh, hello? Cyber-Brig?!?
N: Well, resurrecting a beloved character as a zombie is a bit of a dark move, I guess. I suppose it lets him finally top the punch in The Five Doctors, and he did save the world and Kate and the Doctor's soul. But why couldn't Danny's control reach him. Does that mean there are other Cybermen out there?
D: And which one turns into Handles?
A: You know, Gordon and Kroton sound very similar. Could Cyber-Brig become god?
N: Come brothers, let us sing!
Cyber-Brig, Cyber-Brig, Lethbridge-Stewart has a brand new gig!
Shoots a gun any size, snatches the thieves just like mice, look out, here comes the Cyber-Brig!
Is he strong? Listen, bud, he's got cyber-active blood!
Can he fly when he's dead? Take a look overhead! Hey there, there goes the Cyber-Brig!
Cyber-Brig! Cyber-Brig! He's a real bad-ass that Cyber-Brig!
His rest in peace is ignored! Action is his reward!
To him, when Moffat has a new plan of zombies in a tin can, you get the Cyber-Brig
A: Hang on, Kate's high-heels were still on after that fall? Is that realistic?
N: Don't ask me, dude.
Some time later...
D: Um, didn't every single grave just empty itself? That's got to be traumatic to humanity!
A: And St. Paul's has a sunroof. UNIT's got a lot to deal with. Doesn't the Doctor need to resign as President of Earth or something?
N: More missing scenes, I bet. Sheesh...
The Doctor tries to find Gallifrey. It's not there. He takes this well.
A: Great, he punches the console until it breaks. That's wife-beating!
N: Hey, he's always smacked her around to get her working.
D: It's that button-to-the-chin shirt, he's so bound up and repressed it's bound to do him harm...
A: I don't get it - why did he expect Gallifrey to be there when Missy confirmed it was in another dimension?
N: The Doctor continues to be stupidly wrong about everything. Even after he twigs he's an idiot.
Case in point, Danny does not return to the Afterlife. He sends non-speaking extra kid in his place.
D: That's either hugely selfless or hugely selfish. Not sure which.
A: He couldn't have sent back Rik Mayall? Robin Williams? Heath Ledger? Or one of the Beatles?
N: If everyone who ever died is in the Matrix, that means Danny has thousands of Clara-splinters to bonk for the rest of eternity. Don't blame him for not going back to the crazy one.
A: I don't want to be a downer, but assuming Clara can reunite the boy with his family - won't they burn him as a demon returning from the grave or something?
D: Isn't that a new TV series from HBO about the kid who returns from the dead?
N: Let's just assume that UNIT sort out all these pesky details. As long as Clara doesn't adopt him.
D: Five minutes with her and he'll joins ISIS.
Clara and the Doctor meet in a cafe. Goes downhill from thereon in.
N: So the Doctor arrives two weeks late, shouts he doesn't need Clara any more and tries to get out of the cafe right away. I sense he's trying to dump her.
A: Yep. I mean, he obviously still loves the demented psychotic twitching freak but at the same time he instantly steers the conversation into why they should part ways. Which is fair, given Missy chose them because they couldn't properly function together.
D: This is probably the closest this Doctor's become to the sad clown Moffat said was the definitive way that the Doctor should always be played. It's obvious Capaldi's finally found his groove. He's not dressed like a Victorian prude terrified of showing bare skin beyond neck and wrists, either.
But what's this? The Doctor's the one lying and Clara just agrees with him.
D: Oh, the tangled webs they weave! Clara never considers once the Doctor can lie convincingly if he has to, which admittedly is not something Capaldi's demonstrated before.
N: So Clara's "I know best" approach dooms her, since she'd rather be in charge of the Doctor dumping her than relinquish control. Her own worst enemy, that girl.
A: You think the Doctor really would go back to Gallifrey and reform it? He'd be sick of it in no time...
N: Clara agrees on that point. He's gone from "No More" to "Never Again."
D: The Doctor says he could be a king or a queen. I'm telling you, the next Doctor's a woman.
A: Ooh, you can hear Clara's wristwatch ticking and the big clock in the background coz time is running out.
D: Subtlety, thy name is Moff.
And so they part ways properly this time. It's quite touching.
N: At least she didn't die like the last two.
A: It's very strange, given how often the Doctor's left Clara like this it doesn't immediately evoke a final goodbye like it would with other companions.
D: It's the closest to a normal goodbye a companion's got since, um... does Martha count?
N: Mel, I think. She stays with some random guy she's fallen in love with.
D: Old school, but immensely depressing. I mean, was Moff really unhappy at home when he wrote this?
A: Seems the Doctor's cranked up the perception filter again - no one even noticed the TARDIS vanish from the middle of the street, even the kid that needs to rollerskate through the gap.
N: He must have seen that guy faint in The Crimson Horror and gone "OK, no more comedy gags like that - from now on the only people who notice the TARDIS need to know what it is so they won't pratt fall!"
Clara wanders off and the credits roll.
D: A sober ending. It's not really tragic like what happened to Donna or Amy, it's just the final act of a self-destructive pair. How uplifting. It really makes you want to watch next year.
A: I don't see Capaldi's Doctor being into the fun of Christmas, do you?
N: Maybe he'll have the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present And Future cheer him up.
The credits stop roll and Nick Frost in a Santa costume bursts into the TARDIS.
N: Presumably they cut the bit where Capaldi started swearing his head off. What the fuck?
A: He didn't go "What? What? What?" I am so disappointed.
D: So, are we having fun now? Or will Santa slowly hunt down and kill people in dark tunnels while people shout at the Doctor for being a useless prick?
A: Well, as Christmas specials go, we've had alien invasion, romcom, disaster flick, buddy flick, fanwank, Dickens, Carroll, Harry Potter and fanwank again. I think that leaves Eastenders and a horror movie.
N: Three guesses, if you need them.
D: And the first two don't count.
D: I liked Missy, the Cybermen, the massive wake-up call... but it was so damn depressing.
A: "Just this once, everybody dies!" Moff really wanted to go to a dark place with this story and this season. I mean, who would ever go "Ooh, pubs are closed, I fancy watching the one where Clara goes axe-crazy and Danny's a crying sucidal zombie?"
N: Yeah, bummer. The whole "family entertainment" thing has been completely abandoned. Doctor Who's gone from something you like to something you endure. Even Game of Thrones has more life-affirming fun in it and that's the one TV show where the zombie apocalypse have the moral highground on humanity!
D: It's very well made and very well written but fuckadoodledoo. Did Capaldi only sign up on the condition it was as crippling a downer as Children of Earth? It looked like every single person involved in this show could barely drag themselves out of bed in the morning because life's an agonizing waste of time.
A: Yeah, I can't see anyone wanting to watch another soul-crushing emo-fest as this. It's like Melancholia...
N: With less tits. And less John Hurt. But most importantly, less tits.
D: You're right. Clara getting topless wouldn't be half as offensive as Danny's zombified corpse.
A: I mean, imagine - it's not like small children have ever seen breasts before...
D: Let's watch Game of Thrones. We need to cheer the fuck up.
N: And there are tits in that. And Maisie Williams. You won't see her in a joyless deathfest like Doctor Who any time soon, you mark my words...