Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Worthless DW Trivia # 348

I might be tempted to one day do "101 Reasons The Twin Dilemma Rocks" - well, probably not, but doing 101 reasons why it sucks would be the easiest thing for anyone to write. Maybe all my readers could suggest stories I'd have to either big up or knock down, like those debates at school where if you ever under any circumstances had any opinion you were forced to make a case to the class supporting the diametric opposite to justify the opinions of other people...

Where was I?

Oh yes. Well, while TTD has more positives than you'd might think, here is one no one mentions.

The Twin Dilemma is the only Doctor Who plot around which a Jonathan Creek mystery has been based. It was even made a two-parter so there could be a cliffhanger and the run-time matches a four-part DW serial. And while there was some real Whovian vibes in Danse Macabre with Peter Davison playing the Fifth Doctor in a dog collar while Ron Grainer's tune accompanied a mystery over whethere a building was bigger on the inside than not, and there was that time they were determined to get the entire cast of Immortal Beloved back together, but The Problem At Gallows Gate is practically a BBV video.

I'm not talking about the numerous DW cliches like our heroes being arrested for a murder they didn't commit, exploring deserted houses to be stalked by something that pursues them until they have to hide behind sofas, the shocking revelations about infamous historical figures, the complicated bluff to trick a harmless-seeming character to reveal they are a psychotic monster in disguise, etc...

The mystery circles a mysterious man who lives in a strange gothic castle identified by an unseen "antique telephone box" in the grounds. For various reasons he announces that he has to die to save the life of a big-breasted young woman he's been in a platonic relationship with and she weeps as he nobly sacrifices himself. She's devastated and later discovers that the same has somehow come back to life and then appears to strangle her in a psychotic episode. He doesn't, though and she survives, and he immediately assumes a hermit-like existence as penance for what he's done.

Sounding a tad familiar, huh?

You could say it's a coincidence but when said mysterious man is arrested, we get a lengthy scene of police storming around his threshold and collecting all the stuff they find as evidence.

Including his VHS tapes.

And the first one they pick up, given a glorious crystal-clear close-up is...

Doctor Who: The Twin Dilemma.

Spooky, huh?

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Music Vid blogpost

Yeah. Still do these.


video



It's amazing, isn't it, that my favorite episode of the Twelfth Doctor era is by Mark bleeding Gatiss.

I mean, logically I should have been sectioned if I'd said that a few years earlier.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

An appeal for info

Even in this wonderful future of google apps, there are still things you just can't find out.

For example, a while back - say, 2005 at the most - there was a five-minute cgi-animated kid's cartoon on the ABC (probably part of the late lamented Rollercoaster) of which I cannot remember the title or any easily googled details.

The premise was this bored little boy was reading a magazine when a girl from the realm of magazine-literature drew him into this other realm. Therein followed a Sliders-style premise as human body and fiction girl jump from one reality/magzine to another, often having whacky adventures and boasting a truly awesome theme tune.

No idea how to find out any more details.

CAN ANYONE HELP?!?!






Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Happy Birthdays!

I had no idea so many of my friends were around the same time - from the truly awesome Harry Hill to Cathy Saunders who is still the most beautiful girl I've ever met. But, knock me down with a Native Title claim, also one of this blog's very few patrons, CJ "Illyria? Pah! Lightweight!" Mason.

And it's not much of a gift but it seems the universe has granted him a birthday boon - yes, Ron Mallet's wife has finally got hold of the laptop and erased her husband's pathetic cyberlife from existence. True, she's done this before and there's a good chance the Sliver Smurfrapist could be back but for this glorious day the odious troll has been silenced.Indeed, given the Altern8Dimensions forum itself has been destroyed it seems even his online chums chose digital oblivion to his videos of that chick with the tatoos making her boobs dance to classical music.

See what that forum of RAGE-worshipping classic TV critiquing troglodytes looks like today.


And as for the so-called Smurf's Soapbox (along with its universally-despised review of Caribbean Blue)?




Yeah. Seriously, how many times did we tell him not to brag about his sex life?


(I mean, we could email ron_mallett@yahoo.com.au and see if he's all right, but do we really want to know? Let's just assume the worst. Ding dong the bitch is dead, bitches!)

Happy birthday, Cam.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Alternate Guide to CCs pt the first

A quick return to the CharlesDanielsverse after abandoning it a good five years previously.


THE BURGEONING by Mark Plate

Set: just after that little bit in The Nom de Plume of the Doctor pre-credit sequence.

Framing Device: Susan Foreman spills her guts on Trisha about how Lungbarrow isn't canon...

Story: Under the leadership of Mad Larry Miles the Pirate King of Faction Powercock, Operation Yewtree extends across the known systems and not even Gallifrey is safe from scrutiny. Alas, one of the Time Lords is mistaken for Jimmy Saville and is forced to run for his life. This Time Lord is the Doctor, and completely innocent of any Savillistic debauchery though

a) god knows he tries
b) hanging around with a teenage girl who insists on calling him "sugar-grandpa" isn't helping his case.

The Doctor and Susan flee through the backstreets of Arcadia City whereupon the Doctor decides it's time to steal his bitching Type 50 TARDIS and get the hell out of Dodge. But upon breaking into the dry dimensional vault they are confronted by the Time Lady Claraoswinoswaldimpossiblegirlduesexmachinas who shouts at them. Eventually the Doctor agrees to abandon his perfectly-working bougeous time porche for a clapped out Type 40 owned by a little old lady who only ever used it on weekends and is indeed now squatting inside. Also, its navigation systems are broken, the camoflague unit is bust and quite frankly it would be more efficient to escape by surrendering to the Chancellery Guards rather than use this TARDIS.

Convinced that this is some kind of cunning double bluff, the Doctor accepts Clara's suggestion and he, his granddaughter and his pet tamagotchi of mass destruction the Handjob of Omega, board the TARDIS, start the engines and escape Gallifrey and the shameful shadow of 1970s BBC light entertainment sexual predators for as long as it is narratorially convenient.

However, it soon transpires that aboard the TARDIS was Quadrapred Stain - a neurotic loser with a nervous twitch and considered a total lame-ass loser even by Gallifreyan standards. Stain is horrified at leaving Gallifrey, being kidnapped, being associated with sexual deviants, the current floating of the Altarian dollar... he's a walking nervous breakdown waiting to happen. The Doctor and Susan muse that dragging such a person away from his comfort zone would be literally soul destroying and laugh cruelly at Stain for the next ninteen minutes whereupon the TARDIS arrives at its first destination...

...THE PLANET OF THE NYMPHOMANIACS!

Pausing only to grab a videocamera (cause as the Doctor notes "this shit is gonna go viral"), the time travelers run out into a hot, steamy furry chasm. Stayn eventually follows, dressed in a full-body prophelactic condom to protect himself for the hideous STDs the outer cosmos is renound for. But not even he is prepared when they discover that the inhabitants of this warm, moise crevasse are giant talking sperm!

The sperm explain that they are the "Conceptacons" who spread and impregnate life across the cosmos wherever they damn well please, and at the moment are inseminating a giant space chicken egg orbiting the planet Earth. The Conceptacons have not touched the Earth as it's been clearly used by any number of ancient Lovecraftian with a raging horn and whatever life is spawned from the planet will no doubt be unspeakably horrible. They also make tasteless remarks about the Welsh but let's be fair - it's very hard for anyone to make a tasteful remark about that dull-witted inbred sheepshaggers.

The Doctor recklessly tries to impress the Conceptacons with his bitching new time machine, but unfortunately the aliens get excited in a gooey frothy cliffhanger that "reverses the spunkality of the ejaculation flow" and leaves the Doctor, Susan and Stain very sticky and in therapy on the Lunar Amy Winehouse rehab clinic where it takes approximately 5 billion years for them to get over this.

Stain, his intense sexual repression confronted with such Freudian symbolism, has gone completely mad and this is protrayed very sensitively by him talking in a silly Somerset accent. Stain decides that he will chlorox the unsightly stains from all of time and space and starts running around the lunar surface with a squeegee mop and some industrial disinfectants. The Doctor muses that he feels a deep, abiding hatred of such cleaniless but doubts he'll ever encounter a scary dogmatic race of cyborgs that might become obsessed with such a topic and they should probably leave Stain to it. He and Susan leg it in the TARDIS as Stain starts slaughtering the Conceptacons and screaming he will unleash the destruction of perversion ITSELF!!!!!

The story ends with the heartwarming sequence of the Doctor and Susan trying to buy some duty-free booze off some giant alien fungus while Stain uses "ethnic cleansing sudsy-wudsy cleaning gel" to sterilize the entire moon while singing "Needles and Pins" in a shrill, squawky voice.



YE OLDE CHEMISTS by Ian Potthead

Set: between some other stories.

Framing Device: "What I Did On My Holidays" by Susan Foreman of Class 7B...

Story: With their entire knowledge of Earth history based on some R-rated adult movies, the Doctor and Susan decide to visit 1930s Berlin to meet those kinky SS Nazi Bitches they've heard so much about. Arriving in the disenfranched ruins of the city, the time travelers assume that they've arrived in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and flee to the only shelter available...

Alas, the "Hardcore Pawn" establishment is not the purveyor of fine erotica they hoped for but the helpful hunchbacked Jewish owner offers to drive our heroes to Dahlem University to meet some nuclear physicists on the promise of "some of the biggest bangs in history". The Doctor and Susan start popping contraceptive antibiotics and some recreational LSD while the unnamed Jewish guy runs over unemployed Germans like this is some Resident Evil Grand Theft Auto game.

At the University, the Doctor is immediately kidnapped by some sinister figures in trenchcoats. Assuming he is going to some exclusive swinger party, he cheerfully orders Susan not to rescue him and begs his assailants to "treat me rough, I am a naughty little Prydonian!" as they bundle him into a van and drive off.

Susan is in fact in the cafe opposite, face down in her cappucino and tripping on car-sickness tablets. Eventually she twigs that her Grandfather has been kidnapped and immediately whips the unemployed children begging onto the streets into her own private army - Susan's Army, or the SA. She even gives them uniforms but accidentally leaves a teabag in the washing machine and the shirts all come out brown. Susan and the brownshirts then systematically raid every brothel, pole dancing club, drug den, XXX-rated cinema and existentialist karioke bar for the Doctor. Alas, this logical approach fails and proves that wherever the Doctor is, he's not there by choice.

Abandoning her brownshirts to set up their own quasi-fascist syndicates, Susan loiters on street corners in the hope that eventually she will be kidnapped to. This plan works, but after several steamy and surprisingly invigorating nights of drug-fueled bondage in a high-rise flat, Susan decides she doesn't actually give a damn about the Doctor and prepares to leave Berlin. That old Jewish guy from Scene 34 turns up and reveals he is running a black-market chemist and the Doctor is being held captive until he provides them with copious amounts of valium, prozac, viagra and "fishermen's friends".

Now completely bloody sick of this, Susan pulls a pump-action shotgun and blows away all the non-regular characters and drags the Doctor back to the TARDIS by the earlobe. It is this sequence amongst other things that makes most people suspect "Ian Potthead" is a pseudonym for "Paul Darrow".



QUIRKINESS by the Creator of the Quirks

Set: directly prior to An Unruly Child

Framing Device: Susan tries to bond with her son by banging on about how much cooler her life was before she took over a Dustbin-ravaged Earth full of PTSD-suffering losers...

Story: The Doctor decides to travel further than anyone has gone before, to the next universe but three beyond all comprehension of nine-dimensional physics, a realm the human mind cannot possibly concieve of and thus totally unreasonable to ask any mediocre sci-fi staff writer to do any justice.

Therefore, the very next moment the TARDIS lands the Doctor decides to just lie and SAY he went to the Fourth Universe and this will hopefully impress the chicks. Susan stares at him for a long time and mutters unreproducable insults under her breath before following him outside.

The planet they are on is nicked from some old Sci-Fi Quarterly cover with a city in a tree over a land full of giant rampaging Quirk robots wandering around cradling the dead bodies of Queen in their metal claws and sobbing "Fix it please, Mistress!" at their unseen Dominatrix rulers. After loitering around in the tree city for a while, the Doctor and Susan argue about buying a goldfish. For hours. You think I'm exaggerating but track after track they just stand there arguing over who has to feed the goldfish and take it for walks and make sure it doesn't start wiping its arse on the carpet like the filthy animal it is.

Eventually it starts to rain and the shoddy cardboard boxes of the tree city and indeed the Quirks get all soggy and wilt a bit. The Doctor gets his foot soggy in a puddle which provides the thrilling cliffhanger to part one. The next day, he and Susan make fun of a street performer dressed as Big Bird. Big Bird screams he invented the Quirks but can't find any ongoing sci-fi franchises to take him seriously, not even Battlestar Galactica, and so he is forced to eke out a living impersonating Sesame Street characters.

Bored, the Doctor and Susan eventually agree to buy the goldfish and spend the rest of the episode haggling with the pet store owner, including some very unfunny attempts to insist they should get a discount because the goldfish is dead and definitely not pining for the Quirks.

The epic final scene has the Doctor setting coordinates for 1963 London with the immortal words: "Damn it, girl, we seriously need to get outselves some lives..."



HERE THERE BE BONKERS by Andy Lame


Set: between Planet of the Spy-Ants and The Dustbin Vacation on Earth

Framing Device: During some kinky role-play in sex, Susan gets her new husband to pretend a Thing That Cannot Be From The Realm That Never Was. Understandably, he needs a bit of context first.


Now accompanied by swinger meth-cooking secondary school teachers Ian "Big Ian" Chesterton and Barbara "Yetaxa Bitches" Wright, the Doctor and Susan find the TARDIS has arrived on the USS Neidermeyer on its five year mission to cross the final frontier of unknown space, seek out new worlds and strange civilizations, to bodly split infinitives where no infinitives hath been split in the makings of before.

However, due to budget cutbacks the Neidermeyer cannot afford one of those fancy-dancy bistromatic warp drives with all that tedious mucking about with hyperspace and is forced to travel at well below lightspeed. Thus, not only is the journey likely to take billions of years, it's also very very dull. And so the mighty brains of the future mankind have decided to get someone else to do it - cheeseplant called Wayne who is a dull and boring individual even when compared to other potted vegetation, and finds the whole pointless quest quite mellow and relaxing.

Wandering through the grey and uniformly cardboard corridors of the deep space vessel, the TARDIS crew discover that many of Wayne's vines and creepers that should be pressing buttons and pulling levers are dead and stripped of leaves. Susan is the only one with the braincells to rub together to realize that Wayne's leaves are, when dried and smoked, a quite potent narcotic and soon searches for the mysterious First Mate who has clearly been smoking his captain to get high.

Upon finding him, Susan shares a spliff and they get stoned bitching about the losers they have to deal with - Susan bemoans how lame her grandfather has become now he spends all his time with her teachers while the First Mate bemoans that the human race have become fat and indolent spending their whole time either doing sudoku or texting about the latest series of Has Your Genome Got Talent?

Unaware of how totally wasted Wayne's foliage can get you, the Doctor, Ian and Barbara stand around asking Wayne how he is able to work out where he's been given the brain-bleedingly vast distances of celestial void between here and Earth. Wayne reveals he has in fact been sacrificing a goat to the Dark Lord at every asteroid and stellar fragment they come across which according to the mission profile data logs was widely considered "a bit of a laff" at the time.

No sooner has the Doctor commended Wayne on upholding traditional British values of slaughtering livestock to appease filthy pagan belief systems then an interdimensional chasm into the realms of pure evil opens up outside the Neidermeyer and threatens to tear apart time and space as we know it. A hideous swarm of eldritch abominations emerges from this rift and forge a hellish blasphemy of cyclopian architecture - and the TARDIS crew are horrified are there sentient denizens in the bowels of torment but also a thriving Starbucks franchise which is already building a cafe at the threshold of all existence.

The Doctor reveals there is a nifty button on the TARDIS console that will fix all this mess, but in the interests of not doing a dramatic copout like the last three stories, insists on hanging around to solve matters in more inventive and satisfying manner. Ian and Barbara sigh and facepalm a lot.

After much discussion, arguing and suggestions of Baby Oil Twister, Susan reveals that the First Mate is actually a denizen of the hell dimensions who entered this reality on a sex holiday. Alas, the First Mate has been getting high on Wayne's leaves ever since and never got round to the bonking. The First Mate suggests he and Wayna cross the dimensional rift and keep the whole HP Lovecraft Cthulu mythos completely ripped off their tits for the rest of time. Wayne has, by now, started smoking his own leaves and got mad cheeseplant disease which means he is totally up for it.

As sitar music plays, the time travelers watch as Wayne and the First Mate skip and dance over the event horizon. Susan is now fully convinced that the Doctor is stuffing up her social life and the first chance she gets she'll ditch him for some hot bryl-creamed biker boy and never look back. The Doctor responds by shouting "Shut up Meg!" and wacking her over the head with his walking stick.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Worse Birthdays

Well, 4/2/15 dwindles in the candleflame and I think of those on TV whose birthdays have sucked even more than mine have...


Miss Sophie - Dinner for One

Poor Miss Sophie. She's 91 years old and has outlived all her friends, so her only company is an alcoholic butler who acts out a crude caberet pretending to be her pals Admiral Von Schnieder, Mr. Pomeroy, Mr. Winterbottom and Sir Toby. The fact this Groundhog Day loop has been going on for more than a century on SBS means she only ever has this disappointing birthday over and over again. But there's heavy implication she gets a right royal seeing to by said butler as a birthday treat.
 


Dave Charnley - Drop the Dead Donkey: Crimewatch
Tormented by his coworkers for his middle-age depression issues, he then selflessly tries to save his friend from a doomed marriage but is mistaken for trying to seduce the bride (and, to be fair, he has form). His friend then tries to kill himself in a psychotic fit that nearly gets them both arrested, all his cowokers think he's an immoral scumbag and he didn't even get a present out of it.


Buffy Summers - all of them
Seriously, even her friends and lovers are reluctant to celebrate her birthday. Each time is a disaster: first she lost her virginity and her boyfriend turned into a serial killer, then her father figure pumped her full of drugs and left her to fighting a psychotic vampire, then she nearly murdered said father figure by accident, then her sister slashed her wrists in the middle of the party, then she was trapped in a hell dimension, and eventually they just gave up even noting how old she was. Last birthday she ended up being roofied, her brain swapped into a robot body in an experience that made her believe she was a drunken slut and also pregnant coz the robot body was totally programmed by a guy.



Steven Taylor - Doctor Who: Return of the Rocket Men
His 21st sucked when the Rocket Men stormed his cargo ship and then shot him through his kneecaps and then left him to die. His 25th was even worse, since thanks to TARDIS travel it involved him being there and watching his younger self get maimed before the same rocketeer assholes then used his future self as target practice which Steven was totally convinced would be the day he died. The fact he had to be saved by Dodo of all people surely is the pus icing on a cake of shit.


Niel Pye - The Young Ones: Summer Holiday
"Surprise! It's my birthday!" "You already knew that and we don't care, so what's the surprise?" Poor Niel has to have his birthday while doing his exams, comes home to find his room has been rented out, gets accidentally beaten up more than once (which is of course much more painful than when it is deliberate), is treated with contempt over trying to celebrate his birthday even by the viewers. Before the afternoon is out he is left homeless on the street and discovers his long hippie hair was actually a wig. The next day he died in a tragic bus explosion in a quarry before the entire Earth was destroyed by the Vogons.


The Ninja Turtles - Image Comics
Their twentieth birthday was interrupted by some cyborgs who blew up their home, burnt off half of Raphael's face, shot Donatello fifty times then threw him out of a helicopter so he ended up paralyzed and being eaten by rats, kidnapped Splinter and mutated him into an insane vampire bat, had Leonardo's left hand bitten off at the elbow. Michaelangelo got a poem published and was totally unmaimed. Lucky shit.


Manny Bianco - Black Books: The Blackout
Suffers a psychotic episode after watching the entire Sweeny DVD boxset on caffiene and wakes up mistaken for a police officer called Carter in a serious criminal investigation. And then he repeatedly crushes his own testicles by accident. Actually, he had a better day than usual, looking back at it.


Sir Richard Richard Esq. - Bottom: Accident
Well, he has his pathetic delusion of being popular destroyed, cheated out of 200 bucks after being taunted by the idea of finally having sex, gets both his legs broken, tricked into drinking Spudgun's urine, vomited on by Spudgun, spends 90% of his birthday trapped in a broom closet and when there is finally a decent party, it's held by his best friend specifically so he can make fun of Richie to complete strangers. Who then break Richie's legs again. On the other hand, he is said to be suffering karma from ruining Eddie's birthday off-screen when he pretended to be ill and turned all the guests away. On the other other hand, Eddie forced Richie to have a back-firing enema to prove he really was ill, so maybe the debt was paid?


Caroline Channing - 2 Broke Girls: The Past and the Furious
Even for Maxoline, a pair that no longer acknowledge their low points and haven't been able to afford proper food for many a year, Ms Channing's 2015 birthday is rough. She gets a customized sports car delivered to her... but it will be reposessed in 20 hours and if she gets it damaged, it'll cost millions. So not only does that suck, but Max then roofies her, steals the car, drives to the beach, gets it jammed in the sand and it's only a matter of time before things end in a Thelma-Louise suicide pact. And then things get worse.


The Sarge - Nightingales: King Lear II
The loveable Irish security guard reaches his sixth decade and his only friends celebrate by... going "surprise" and then trying to convince him he's gone mad and should retire. Then they poison his heart against his beloved son, demote him to being a cleaner with no power whatsoever. Then (just go with this) beloved son turns into a werewolve and butches his friends, the Sarge is left mopping up the blood. No justice.


Robin Hood - We Are Robin Hood
Worst birthday ever. The peasants betray him to the Sheriff of Nottingham, he ends up trapped in a barn facing certain death in the morning and forced to accept he's suffering PTSD, he's alienated his best friend, unaware another has a death wish and when he escapes with his life he discovers that his girlfriend has been kidnapped, King Richard is in danger and he has to go back to Acre. Where he gets betrayed again, abandoned by his friends, crucified and then has to watch Marion bleed to death. Happy fucking birthday.


Alison Little - Chance in a Million: The Birthday Party
Actually, considering her pathological optimism and the fact she's in love with Tom Chance despite the curse of concidences, her birthday's not that bad. True she doesn't have any kind of presents, party, celebrating or even get her end away but she does end up with with a fur coat, a bottle of champagne, and a night by the river with her boyfriend without a single arrest or gun siege or blood-drenched massacre.


Sterling Archer - Archer: Drift Problem
Truly mortifying, this one. Archer turns up to work to discover all his friends and family have apparently forgotten his birthday - but then that was a joke and he actually got the most awesome car ever. His mother insists he looks after it and, typically, five minutes later the car is stolen. Archer then engages in a dangerous foolhardy and pointless mission against the Yakuza only to find out that his mother stole the car and sold it in the belief she was teaching him a lesson. And she also did something similar to his bike when he was five years old, and used it as an excuse to beat him with a ping-pong paddle. This hideous nihilistic pointlessness of it all leaves Archer catatonic. Poor sad bastard.



Angela Pryce - The Sarah Jane Adventures: Whatever Happened To Sarah Jane?
Jane Asher's character discovers on her birthday that the world is about to be destroyed by a meteor and the only way to stop it is to rewrite history so she dies in a completely stupid and pointless accident when she was a kid. What's more, she gets her memories altered so she discovers second hand she is a horrible selfish serial killing bitch who deserves to die more than her childhood friend Elizabeth Sladen. Then she dies and is never mentioned again, while the Trickster uses this same plot every year until the show is axed.


Kenny Phillips - Press Gang: Going Back To Jasper Street
His best friend steals his present, buries it in the garden, tells everyone he's a pathological liar and it's not his birthday at all, then gets him in trouble for vandalism and does a runner so not only will he get in trouble, she will also be the centre of attention. Worst of all is the discover when he was five years old Kenny was the dead ringer for Harry Enfield.


Paul McDermott - DAAS Kapital: Anger
Paul has issues. When Tim and Richard forget his birthday, he buys them presents and screams abuse about how he hopes they die horribly and get reincarnated. Then he steals a priceless artwork to claim as his present and the others beat him unconscious, dress up as the KKK and dangle him by a plastic umbilicle cord over a makeshift monster pit. With a monster who wants to rape him. They then reveal this was all a rather twisted surprise party... before dropping him into the monster pit and watching him get repeatedly violated as they sing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow". OTOH, this is nicer to him than when they celebrated Bastille Day by brutally guillotining him when he had a hangover.


Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf: Thanks for the Memory
Technically not a birthday but in all respects it counts. Rimmer gets totally depressed and miserable, drinks himself stupid, eats a triple-fried egg sandwich with chillisauce and chutney, confesses how pathetic he is and falls asleep crying. Then he gets mindraped by Lister, has a breakdown, chooses to be an emotionally-immature freak, gives everyone amnesia, and then has to watch CCTV of the whole damn thing all over again, just to rub it in.


Jeff Murdoch - Coupling: Naked
Even by Jeff's standards, his birthday sucked. So utterly depressed, he hid the fact he was 31 from everyone and when he thought a girl was into him, he was so happy he did a striptease. And then discovered he was in the middle of a surprise party. With his parents. Who he was now standing in front of naked shouting about how he wanted shag his boss. In front of said boss. And co-workers. Everyone left him alone, naked and emotionally devastated. On the bright side, that girl he was into seduced him that very night before dumping him a week later and never being seen again.


The little bitch in Problem Child.
Yeah, she probably had it coming by constantly picking on adopted kids but finding out all her presents were destroyed, her friends poisoned, the cake exploded, her clothes ruined and the police summoned might be considered a bit disproportionate. She certainly wasn't even given a chance to learn from her lesson - don't piss off a sociopath who instinctively dresses as Satan during social gatherings.


Bill Oddie - The Goodies: Change Of Life
Graeme and Tim wind Bill up over being forty, but he gets his own back by reminding them they're all the same age. But this does end up leaving them all suicidal and being replaced by robots. And then Michael Grade cancels the whole series because, seriously all joking aside the guy is a total fuckwit.


Mr Bean - The Curse of Mr. Bean
Without the saddest and most miserable of all birthdays shown ever. Mr. Bean has no friends so he has his birthday in a restaurant with a birthday card to impress the staff. Unfortunately he gets some raw mince for his meal. Being Mr Bean he can't ask for anything, so he tries to hide all the mine around the place. Then, luckily, a waiter knocks over his table and Mr Bean can claim all his food went everywhere. The management apologize and compliment him a brand new meal - more raw mince. Fuck.

Monday, February 2, 2015

That time of year again

HELEN: Dave, what is it? What has got into you?

DAVE: I don't know. I've just been thinking about... things. How I've never achieved anything useful.

JOY: So. When exactly is your birthday?

DAVE: Tomorrow. Hang on, how did you know it was my birthday?

JOY: Men always get very miserable around their birthdays.

DAVE: Listen, sweetheart, this week I am probably half way through my life.

JOY: No, Dave. You keep calling me "sweetheart" and you're very, very near the end of it.

HENRY: Dave, Joy tells me it's your birthday tomorrow.

DAVE: Yeah, look, I just want to forget about it.

HENRY: "Forget about it?" Do you remember how we celebrated last year? The Black Bull, that Greek place, the Pink Pussycat, someone's flat and then we ended up in Trafalgar Square riding three up on a lion with that Portugese drag artist who fed champagne to his pig... What a lunch hour that was, eh?

DAVE: Henry... You've always lived your life like me. Now you're older, a bit older, don't you find when you lok back you think "what a waste of time"? Don't you feel time's running out and you've just lived for the moment all your life and none of it seems to add up to anything? And soon you will be dead and you will not leave behind the slightest imprint on this world... Don't you feel that?

HENRY: No! No, no, no! Everything's splendid.

DAVE: You don't feel that at all?

HENRY: No, I do not. I feel very happy. Very content, very... (runs off in tears) VERY BLOODY CONTENT INDEED!

GUS: What's wrong with you?

JOY: It's his birthday.

DAVE: Do you have to say that? It just makes me feel washed-up and alone.

GUS: Pull yourself together man.

DAVE: Oh, you've never felt like that?

GUS: What? Me? Lonely? Have you seen the size of my address book?! I have friends beginning with "Z".

JOY: How's this for a birthday card?

DAVE: "At 30 you've got a lot to look forward to... old age, incontinence and death."


- Drop the Dead Donkey


Just sort of assumed I would have died before now.

Guess I couldn't even get that right.