Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Worse Birthdays

Well, 4/2/15 dwindles in the candleflame and I think of those on TV whose birthdays have sucked even more than mine have...

Miss Sophie - Dinner for One

Poor Miss Sophie. She's 91 years old and has outlived all her friends, so her only company is an alcoholic butler who acts out a crude caberet pretending to be her pals Admiral Von Schnieder, Mr. Pomeroy, Mr. Winterbottom and Sir Toby. The fact this Groundhog Day loop has been going on for more than a century on SBS means she only ever has this disappointing birthday over and over again. But there's heavy implication she gets a right royal seeing to by said butler as a birthday treat.

Dave Charnley - Drop the Dead Donkey: Crimewatch
Tormented by his coworkers for his middle-age depression issues, he then selflessly tries to save his friend from a doomed marriage but is mistaken for trying to seduce the bride (and, to be fair, he has form). His friend then tries to kill himself in a psychotic fit that nearly gets them both arrested, all his cowokers think he's an immoral scumbag and he didn't even get a present out of it.

Buffy Summers - all of them
Seriously, even her friends and lovers are reluctant to celebrate her birthday. Each time is a disaster: first she lost her virginity and her boyfriend turned into a serial killer, then her father figure pumped her full of drugs and left her to fighting a psychotic vampire, then she nearly murdered said father figure by accident, then her sister slashed her wrists in the middle of the party, then she was trapped in a hell dimension, and eventually they just gave up even noting how old she was. Last birthday she ended up being roofied, her brain swapped into a robot body in an experience that made her believe she was a drunken slut and also pregnant coz the robot body was totally programmed by a guy.

Steven Taylor - Doctor Who: Return of the Rocket Men
His 21st sucked when the Rocket Men stormed his cargo ship and then shot him through his kneecaps and then left him to die. His 25th was even worse, since thanks to TARDIS travel it involved him being there and watching his younger self get maimed before the same rocketeer assholes then used his future self as target practice which Steven was totally convinced would be the day he died. The fact he had to be saved by Dodo of all people surely is the pus icing on a cake of shit.

Niel Pye - The Young Ones: Summer Holiday
"Surprise! It's my birthday!" "You already knew that and we don't care, so what's the surprise?" Poor Niel has to have his birthday while doing his exams, comes home to find his room has been rented out, gets accidentally beaten up more than once (which is of course much more painful than when it is deliberate), is treated with contempt over trying to celebrate his birthday even by the viewers. Before the afternoon is out he is left homeless on the street and discovers his long hippie hair was actually a wig. The next day he died in a tragic bus explosion in a quarry before the entire Earth was destroyed by the Vogons.

The Ninja Turtles - Image Comics
Their twentieth birthday was interrupted by some cyborgs who blew up their home, burnt off half of Raphael's face, shot Donatello fifty times then threw him out of a helicopter so he ended up paralyzed and being eaten by rats, kidnapped Splinter and mutated him into an insane vampire bat, had Leonardo's left hand bitten off at the elbow. Michaelangelo got a poem published and was totally unmaimed. Lucky shit.

Manny Bianco - Black Books: The Blackout
Suffers a psychotic episode after watching the entire Sweeny DVD boxset on caffiene and wakes up mistaken for a police officer called Carter in a serious criminal investigation. And then he repeatedly crushes his own testicles by accident. Actually, he had a better day than usual, looking back at it.

Sir Richard Richard Esq. - Bottom: Accident
Well, he has his pathetic delusion of being popular destroyed, cheated out of 200 bucks after being taunted by the idea of finally having sex, gets both his legs broken, tricked into drinking Spudgun's urine, vomited on by Spudgun, spends 90% of his birthday trapped in a broom closet and when there is finally a decent party, it's held by his best friend specifically so he can make fun of Richie to complete strangers. Who then break Richie's legs again. On the other hand, he is said to be suffering karma from ruining Eddie's birthday off-screen when he pretended to be ill and turned all the guests away. On the other other hand, Eddie forced Richie to have a back-firing enema to prove he really was ill, so maybe the debt was paid?

Caroline Channing - 2 Broke Girls: The Past and the Furious
Even for Maxoline, a pair that no longer acknowledge their low points and haven't been able to afford proper food for many a year, Ms Channing's 2015 birthday is rough. She gets a customized sports car delivered to her... but it will be reposessed in 20 hours and if she gets it damaged, it'll cost millions. So not only does that suck, but Max then roofies her, steals the car, drives to the beach, gets it jammed in the sand and it's only a matter of time before things end in a Thelma-Louise suicide pact. And then things get worse.

The Sarge - Nightingales: King Lear II
The loveable Irish security guard reaches his sixth decade and his only friends celebrate by... going "surprise" and then trying to convince him he's gone mad and should retire. Then they poison his heart against his beloved son, demote him to being a cleaner with no power whatsoever. Then (just go with this) beloved son turns into a werewolve and butches his friends, the Sarge is left mopping up the blood. No justice.

Robin Hood - We Are Robin Hood
Worst birthday ever. The peasants betray him to the Sheriff of Nottingham, he ends up trapped in a barn facing certain death in the morning and forced to accept he's suffering PTSD, he's alienated his best friend, unaware another has a death wish and when he escapes with his life he discovers that his girlfriend has been kidnapped, King Richard is in danger and he has to go back to Acre. Where he gets betrayed again, abandoned by his friends, crucified and then has to watch Marion bleed to death. Happy fucking birthday.

Alison Little - Chance in a Million: The Birthday Party
Actually, considering her pathological optimism and the fact she's in love with Tom Chance despite the curse of concidences, her birthday's not that bad. True she doesn't have any kind of presents, party, celebrating or even get her end away but she does end up with with a fur coat, a bottle of champagne, and a night by the river with her boyfriend without a single arrest or gun siege or blood-drenched massacre.

Sterling Archer - Archer: Drift Problem
Truly mortifying, this one. Archer turns up to work to discover all his friends and family have apparently forgotten his birthday - but then that was a joke and he actually got the most awesome car ever. His mother insists he looks after it and, typically, five minutes later the car is stolen. Archer then engages in a dangerous foolhardy and pointless mission against the Yakuza only to find out that his mother stole the car and sold it in the belief she was teaching him a lesson. And she also did something similar to his bike when he was five years old, and used it as an excuse to beat him with a ping-pong paddle. This hideous nihilistic pointlessness of it all leaves Archer catatonic. Poor sad bastard.

Angela Pryce - The Sarah Jane Adventures: Whatever Happened To Sarah Jane?
Jane Asher's character discovers on her birthday that the world is about to be destroyed by a meteor and the only way to stop it is to rewrite history so she dies in a completely stupid and pointless accident when she was a kid. What's more, she gets her memories altered so she discovers second hand she is a horrible selfish serial killing bitch who deserves to die more than her childhood friend Elizabeth Sladen. Then she dies and is never mentioned again, while the Trickster uses this same plot every year until the show is axed.

Kenny Phillips - Press Gang: Going Back To Jasper Street
His best friend steals his present, buries it in the garden, tells everyone he's a pathological liar and it's not his birthday at all, then gets him in trouble for vandalism and does a runner so not only will he get in trouble, she will also be the centre of attention. Worst of all is the discover when he was five years old Kenny was the dead ringer for Harry Enfield.

Paul McDermott - DAAS Kapital: Anger
Paul has issues. When Tim and Richard forget his birthday, he buys them presents and screams abuse about how he hopes they die horribly and get reincarnated. Then he steals a priceless artwork to claim as his present and the others beat him unconscious, dress up as the KKK and dangle him by a plastic umbilicle cord over a makeshift monster pit. With a monster who wants to rape him. They then reveal this was all a rather twisted surprise party... before dropping him into the monster pit and watching him get repeatedly violated as they sing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow". OTOH, this is nicer to him than when they celebrated Bastille Day by brutally guillotining him when he had a hangover.

Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf: Thanks for the Memory
Technically not a birthday but in all respects it counts. Rimmer gets totally depressed and miserable, drinks himself stupid, eats a triple-fried egg sandwich with chillisauce and chutney, confesses how pathetic he is and falls asleep crying. Then he gets mindraped by Lister, has a breakdown, chooses to be an emotionally-immature freak, gives everyone amnesia, and then has to watch CCTV of the whole damn thing all over again, just to rub it in.

Jeff Murdoch - Coupling: Naked
Even by Jeff's standards, his birthday sucked. So utterly depressed, he hid the fact he was 31 from everyone and when he thought a girl was into him, he was so happy he did a striptease. And then discovered he was in the middle of a surprise party. With his parents. Who he was now standing in front of naked shouting about how he wanted shag his boss. In front of said boss. And co-workers. Everyone left him alone, naked and emotionally devastated. On the bright side, that girl he was into seduced him that very night before dumping him a week later and never being seen again.

The little bitch in Problem Child.
Yeah, she probably had it coming by constantly picking on adopted kids but finding out all her presents were destroyed, her friends poisoned, the cake exploded, her clothes ruined and the police summoned might be considered a bit disproportionate. She certainly wasn't even given a chance to learn from her lesson - don't piss off a sociopath who instinctively dresses as Satan during social gatherings.

Bill Oddie - The Goodies: Change Of Life
Graeme and Tim wind Bill up over being forty, but he gets his own back by reminding them they're all the same age. But this does end up leaving them all suicidal and being replaced by robots. And then Michael Grade cancels the whole series because, seriously all joking aside the guy is a total fuckwit.

Mr Bean - The Curse of Mr. Bean
Without the saddest and most miserable of all birthdays shown ever. Mr. Bean has no friends so he has his birthday in a restaurant with a birthday card to impress the staff. Unfortunately he gets some raw mince for his meal. Being Mr Bean he can't ask for anything, so he tries to hide all the mine around the place. Then, luckily, a waiter knocks over his table and Mr Bean can claim all his food went everywhere. The management apologize and compliment him a brand new meal - more raw mince. Fuck.

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