Monday, February 9, 2015

Alternate Guide to CCs pt the first

A quick return to the CharlesDanielsverse after abandoning it a good five years previously.


Set: just after that little bit in The Nom de Plume of the Doctor pre-credit sequence.

Framing Device: Susan Foreman spills her guts on Trisha about how Lungbarrow isn't canon...

Story: Under the leadership of Mad Larry Miles the Pirate King of Faction Powercock, Operation Yewtree extends across the known systems and not even Gallifrey is safe from scrutiny. Alas, one of the Time Lords is mistaken for Jimmy Saville and is forced to run for his life. This Time Lord is the Doctor, and completely innocent of any Savillistic debauchery though

a) god knows he tries
b) hanging around with a teenage girl who insists on calling him "sugar-grandpa" isn't helping his case.

The Doctor and Susan flee through the backstreets of Arcadia City whereupon the Doctor decides it's time to steal his bitching Type 50 TARDIS and get the hell out of Dodge. But upon breaking into the dry dimensional vault they are confronted by the Time Lady Claraoswinoswaldimpossiblegirlduesexmachinas who shouts at them. Eventually the Doctor agrees to abandon his perfectly-working bougeous time porche for a clapped out Type 40 owned by a little old lady who only ever used it on weekends and is indeed now squatting inside. Also, its navigation systems are broken, the camoflague unit is bust and quite frankly it would be more efficient to escape by surrendering to the Chancellery Guards rather than use this TARDIS.

Convinced that this is some kind of cunning double bluff, the Doctor accepts Clara's suggestion and he, his granddaughter and his pet tamagotchi of mass destruction the Handjob of Omega, board the TARDIS, start the engines and escape Gallifrey and the shameful shadow of 1970s BBC light entertainment sexual predators for as long as it is narratorially convenient.

However, it soon transpires that aboard the TARDIS was Quadrapred Stain - a neurotic loser with a nervous twitch and considered a total lame-ass loser even by Gallifreyan standards. Stain is horrified at leaving Gallifrey, being kidnapped, being associated with sexual deviants, the current floating of the Altarian dollar... he's a walking nervous breakdown waiting to happen. The Doctor and Susan muse that dragging such a person away from his comfort zone would be literally soul destroying and laugh cruelly at Stain for the next ninteen minutes whereupon the TARDIS arrives at its first destination...


Pausing only to grab a videocamera (cause as the Doctor notes "this shit is gonna go viral"), the time travelers run out into a hot, steamy furry chasm. Stayn eventually follows, dressed in a full-body prophelactic condom to protect himself for the hideous STDs the outer cosmos is renound for. But not even he is prepared when they discover that the inhabitants of this warm, moise crevasse are giant talking sperm!

The sperm explain that they are the "Conceptacons" who spread and impregnate life across the cosmos wherever they damn well please, and at the moment are inseminating a giant space chicken egg orbiting the planet Earth. The Conceptacons have not touched the Earth as it's been clearly used by any number of ancient Lovecraftian with a raging horn and whatever life is spawned from the planet will no doubt be unspeakably horrible. They also make tasteless remarks about the Welsh but let's be fair - it's very hard for anyone to make a tasteful remark about that dull-witted inbred sheepshaggers.

The Doctor recklessly tries to impress the Conceptacons with his bitching new time machine, but unfortunately the aliens get excited in a gooey frothy cliffhanger that "reverses the spunkality of the ejaculation flow" and leaves the Doctor, Susan and Stain very sticky and in therapy on the Lunar Amy Winehouse rehab clinic where it takes approximately 5 billion years for them to get over this.

Stain, his intense sexual repression confronted with such Freudian symbolism, has gone completely mad and this is protrayed very sensitively by him talking in a silly Somerset accent. Stain decides that he will chlorox the unsightly stains from all of time and space and starts running around the lunar surface with a squeegee mop and some industrial disinfectants. The Doctor muses that he feels a deep, abiding hatred of such cleaniless but doubts he'll ever encounter a scary dogmatic race of cyborgs that might become obsessed with such a topic and they should probably leave Stain to it. He and Susan leg it in the TARDIS as Stain starts slaughtering the Conceptacons and screaming he will unleash the destruction of perversion ITSELF!!!!!

The story ends with the heartwarming sequence of the Doctor and Susan trying to buy some duty-free booze off some giant alien fungus while Stain uses "ethnic cleansing sudsy-wudsy cleaning gel" to sterilize the entire moon while singing "Needles and Pins" in a shrill, squawky voice.

YE OLDE CHEMISTS by Ian Potthead

Set: between some other stories.

Framing Device: "What I Did On My Holidays" by Susan Foreman of Class 7B...

Story: With their entire knowledge of Earth history based on some R-rated adult movies, the Doctor and Susan decide to visit 1930s Berlin to meet those kinky SS Nazi Bitches they've heard so much about. Arriving in the disenfranched ruins of the city, the time travelers assume that they've arrived in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and flee to the only shelter available...

Alas, the "Hardcore Pawn" establishment is not the purveyor of fine erotica they hoped for but the helpful hunchbacked Jewish owner offers to drive our heroes to Dahlem University to meet some nuclear physicists on the promise of "some of the biggest bangs in history". The Doctor and Susan start popping contraceptive antibiotics and some recreational LSD while the unnamed Jewish guy runs over unemployed Germans like this is some Resident Evil Grand Theft Auto game.

At the University, the Doctor is immediately kidnapped by some sinister figures in trenchcoats. Assuming he is going to some exclusive swinger party, he cheerfully orders Susan not to rescue him and begs his assailants to "treat me rough, I am a naughty little Prydonian!" as they bundle him into a van and drive off.

Susan is in fact in the cafe opposite, face down in her cappucino and tripping on car-sickness tablets. Eventually she twigs that her Grandfather has been kidnapped and immediately whips the unemployed children begging onto the streets into her own private army - Susan's Army, or the SA. She even gives them uniforms but accidentally leaves a teabag in the washing machine and the shirts all come out brown. Susan and the brownshirts then systematically raid every brothel, pole dancing club, drug den, XXX-rated cinema and existentialist karioke bar for the Doctor. Alas, this logical approach fails and proves that wherever the Doctor is, he's not there by choice.

Abandoning her brownshirts to set up their own quasi-fascist syndicates, Susan loiters on street corners in the hope that eventually she will be kidnapped to. This plan works, but after several steamy and surprisingly invigorating nights of drug-fueled bondage in a high-rise flat, Susan decides she doesn't actually give a damn about the Doctor and prepares to leave Berlin. That old Jewish guy from Scene 34 turns up and reveals he is running a black-market chemist and the Doctor is being held captive until he provides them with copious amounts of valium, prozac, viagra and "fishermen's friends".

Now completely bloody sick of this, Susan pulls a pump-action shotgun and blows away all the non-regular characters and drags the Doctor back to the TARDIS by the earlobe. It is this sequence amongst other things that makes most people suspect "Ian Potthead" is a pseudonym for "Paul Darrow".

QUIRKINESS by the Creator of the Quirks

Set: directly prior to An Unruly Child

Framing Device: Susan tries to bond with her son by banging on about how much cooler her life was before she took over a Dustbin-ravaged Earth full of PTSD-suffering losers...

Story: The Doctor decides to travel further than anyone has gone before, to the next universe but three beyond all comprehension of nine-dimensional physics, a realm the human mind cannot possibly concieve of and thus totally unreasonable to ask any mediocre sci-fi staff writer to do any justice.

Therefore, the very next moment the TARDIS lands the Doctor decides to just lie and SAY he went to the Fourth Universe and this will hopefully impress the chicks. Susan stares at him for a long time and mutters unreproducable insults under her breath before following him outside.

The planet they are on is nicked from some old Sci-Fi Quarterly cover with a city in a tree over a land full of giant rampaging Quirk robots wandering around cradling the dead bodies of Queen in their metal claws and sobbing "Fix it please, Mistress!" at their unseen Dominatrix rulers. After loitering around in the tree city for a while, the Doctor and Susan argue about buying a goldfish. For hours. You think I'm exaggerating but track after track they just stand there arguing over who has to feed the goldfish and take it for walks and make sure it doesn't start wiping its arse on the carpet like the filthy animal it is.

Eventually it starts to rain and the shoddy cardboard boxes of the tree city and indeed the Quirks get all soggy and wilt a bit. The Doctor gets his foot soggy in a puddle which provides the thrilling cliffhanger to part one. The next day, he and Susan make fun of a street performer dressed as Big Bird. Big Bird screams he invented the Quirks but can't find any ongoing sci-fi franchises to take him seriously, not even Battlestar Galactica, and so he is forced to eke out a living impersonating Sesame Street characters.

Bored, the Doctor and Susan eventually agree to buy the goldfish and spend the rest of the episode haggling with the pet store owner, including some very unfunny attempts to insist they should get a discount because the goldfish is dead and definitely not pining for the Quirks.

The epic final scene has the Doctor setting coordinates for 1963 London with the immortal words: "Damn it, girl, we seriously need to get outselves some lives..."


Set: between Planet of the Spy-Ants and The Dustbin Vacation on Earth

Framing Device: During some kinky role-play in sex, Susan gets her new husband to pretend a Thing That Cannot Be From The Realm That Never Was. Understandably, he needs a bit of context first.

Now accompanied by swinger meth-cooking secondary school teachers Ian "Big Ian" Chesterton and Barbara "Yetaxa Bitches" Wright, the Doctor and Susan find the TARDIS has arrived on the USS Neidermeyer on its five year mission to cross the final frontier of unknown space, seek out new worlds and strange civilizations, to bodly split infinitives where no infinitives hath been split in the makings of before.

However, due to budget cutbacks the Neidermeyer cannot afford one of those fancy-dancy bistromatic warp drives with all that tedious mucking about with hyperspace and is forced to travel at well below lightspeed. Thus, not only is the journey likely to take billions of years, it's also very very dull. And so the mighty brains of the future mankind have decided to get someone else to do it - cheeseplant called Wayne who is a dull and boring individual even when compared to other potted vegetation, and finds the whole pointless quest quite mellow and relaxing.

Wandering through the grey and uniformly cardboard corridors of the deep space vessel, the TARDIS crew discover that many of Wayne's vines and creepers that should be pressing buttons and pulling levers are dead and stripped of leaves. Susan is the only one with the braincells to rub together to realize that Wayne's leaves are, when dried and smoked, a quite potent narcotic and soon searches for the mysterious First Mate who has clearly been smoking his captain to get high.

Upon finding him, Susan shares a spliff and they get stoned bitching about the losers they have to deal with - Susan bemoans how lame her grandfather has become now he spends all his time with her teachers while the First Mate bemoans that the human race have become fat and indolent spending their whole time either doing sudoku or texting about the latest series of Has Your Genome Got Talent?

Unaware of how totally wasted Wayne's foliage can get you, the Doctor, Ian and Barbara stand around asking Wayne how he is able to work out where he's been given the brain-bleedingly vast distances of celestial void between here and Earth. Wayne reveals he has in fact been sacrificing a goat to the Dark Lord at every asteroid and stellar fragment they come across which according to the mission profile data logs was widely considered "a bit of a laff" at the time.

No sooner has the Doctor commended Wayne on upholding traditional British values of slaughtering livestock to appease filthy pagan belief systems then an interdimensional chasm into the realms of pure evil opens up outside the Neidermeyer and threatens to tear apart time and space as we know it. A hideous swarm of eldritch abominations emerges from this rift and forge a hellish blasphemy of cyclopian architecture - and the TARDIS crew are horrified are there sentient denizens in the bowels of torment but also a thriving Starbucks franchise which is already building a cafe at the threshold of all existence.

The Doctor reveals there is a nifty button on the TARDIS console that will fix all this mess, but in the interests of not doing a dramatic copout like the last three stories, insists on hanging around to solve matters in more inventive and satisfying manner. Ian and Barbara sigh and facepalm a lot.

After much discussion, arguing and suggestions of Baby Oil Twister, Susan reveals that the First Mate is actually a denizen of the hell dimensions who entered this reality on a sex holiday. Alas, the First Mate has been getting high on Wayne's leaves ever since and never got round to the bonking. The First Mate suggests he and Wayna cross the dimensional rift and keep the whole HP Lovecraft Cthulu mythos completely ripped off their tits for the rest of time. Wayne has, by now, started smoking his own leaves and got mad cheeseplant disease which means he is totally up for it.

As sitar music plays, the time travelers watch as Wayne and the First Mate skip and dance over the event horizon. Susan is now fully convinced that the Doctor is stuffing up her social life and the first chance she gets she'll ditch him for some hot bryl-creamed biker boy and never look back. The Doctor responds by shouting "Shut up Meg!" and wacking her over the head with his walking stick.


Matthew Blanchette said...

Hey... is it true that Big Finish has the licence for ALL "Who", both new series and classic, now? :-O

Youth of Australia said...

No idea.


a) they have, in which case it'll probably be a couple of years before we get anything given that NuWho actors are generally still busy working and difficult to hire (though, say, Smith, Darvill and Gillan might be willing to do BF audios, the chances of them all being free at the same time to record them would be nigh-on impossible) plus the fact BF would have no plans commissioned.

b) they don't. Kate Stewart was invented by Marc Platt for Downtime which is technically Classic Who. Ms Redgrave was already at BF, so she's simply reprising the role in UNIT which, like the Benny stories, are very coy about being Doctor Who-related at all even when Daleks are turning up.