Friday, January 28, 2011

Hang On...

Robots of Death is utter bollocks!

It's amazing, but it seems after all these years of fandom self-hypnosis and Kaldor City's reinterpretation of basic facts, but the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I suppose the first clue was the production team decrying the whole script as rubbish and coming up with way-out sets and fashions to distract the audience from the plot. And, yes, admittedly, the Big Brother killer robots basic plot is a pretty neat idea, the acting is pretty decent and you'd have to be a total git not to put it in the top twenty BUT...


Just think about the plot and why things happen in the story.



Exactly, it's utter crap!

OK, you want more evidence?

Take Taren Capel. Does anything about this guy make sense? He was raised from a child only by robots. Why? What happened to his family? Someone must have paid for the upkeep of his robots! It all suggests the Capels were one of the Founding Families, the rich elite, which makes it even wierder that if - say - some disaster killed all but baby Taren, the other families wouldn't chip in and help out. The FF's loyalty to each other is mentioned time and time again. What's more, even D84 thinks Taren's a freak for being brought up by machines, so why didn't anyone stage an intervention for the first thirty years of the guy's life?!

The lunacy doesn't end there. Taren becomes a recluse, meets no one, has no photographs taken, no one ever sees him... yet he becomes an incredible computer genius that the mighty Company respects and fears. But they never saw him face to face or even, apparently, spoke to him. He only ever communicated by LETTERS.

Yes, and why isn't Kaldor City paperless given there ARE NO BLOODY TREES ON THE PLANET?!?

One can only imagine how Taren got his reputation - did he post revolutionary new ideas bit by bit in return for cash? It was lucky the Company didn't find out his post code and raid the place. But even if this strange relationship evolved, we have to wonder why Taren "KILL ALL HUMANS" Capel wanted their money in the first place as he clearly had some kind of huge income to raise him and, of course, pay for all his machinery and stuff. I mean, why did he want to get in the good books of the people he wanted to murder? The moment he worked out how to break the Asimov rules in one robot he had, according to the Doctor and others, the means to end civilization.

So. You're Taren Capel. You have worked out the incredible truth you can make every robot a killer with five minutes and a laserson probe, the equivalent of brain surgery with a buzzsaw and a carrot - even Chris Boucher balked at the idea you could perform such a change and later retconned this. But go with it. You have the power to overthrow civilization.

What do you do?

Well, Taren Capel wrote some really mean letters.

Yes. Just that. We never find out what the hell he wrote in them, but apparently he threatened to end civilization as Kaldor City knows it unless... actually, Taren didn't really HAVE an "unless", did he? He wanted to overthrow humanity. It was unlikely getting SuperVocs tea breaks would stem his blood-dimmed tide. So, basically, Taren wrote to the company and WARNED them what he was going to do. Yet, a huge part of his plan seems to rely on no one ever suspecting robots can harm human beings. Sending a letter saying he will do just that might kill the mood.

Now, the Company apparently decided to take these warnings seriously.


They chose their most robophobic agent... paired him with a ROBOT... and then installed him on a sandminer.

Hang on a minute. WHAT?

Why do they think Taren Capel's going to start his reign of robot rebellion on Storm Mine 4? Why not in the robot factories in the city or whatever creepy swinging bachelor pad Taren lives in? The only answer is either

a) Taren actually TOLD them he's be on SM4
b) the stamp on the letter accidentally gave it away.

So, let's look at that again. The Company knows that Taren Capel is on SM4. They know he is an evil genius and going to give the old college try to make robots go insane. Now, the best thing would be would be to stop the Sandminer leaving town, refuse anyone admittance and maybe blow the damn thing up. A thorough check might be a good idea at the very least. But no, they do nothing. They let the crew go aboard, none with any idea some nutter might be hiding aboard the ship with a vendetta. Does the Company care so little of human life? Probably, but consider what happens if Capel kills them all - no ore mined, civilization ends. Having the crew warned would make it utterly impossible for Taren Capel's plan to work, since they'd never fall into a false sense of security or be allowed to wander alone. Hell, the crew might have quit, so no mining, no chance for Taren Capel to work converting robots.

They don't do this.

They send in Anders "WALKING DEAD MEN!!!" Poul. With a robot SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED to stalk him. And a robot that has no protection if he randomly gets converted by Taren Capel. Meaning that, since Taren can expect them to investigate (what him WARNING THEM ALREADY), he can ambush them right from the start.

Does Taren do this?

No. He does absolutely sweet FA for six months until they're way out into the desert. Given there's no communication with KC, he could have struck five minutes into the tour. So why not? KC the series gives us the lame excuse that Taren was the master strategist, plotting his murders for maximum drammatic impact as though he was trying to make an entertaining sci-fi serial rather than a serial killing rampage. And isn't Taren very good at mingling with humans given he should surely be suffering reverse-robophobia at being surrounded by living people? Who he has never learned to live with since he spent his entire life with robots?

And then, to top it off, whenever he's in the same room as Poul, he makes a point of bigging up how awesome robots are in a clipped and precise manner that the Doctor spots a mile off. Even though everyone else on the mine thinks robots are lazy, dozy gits that are more trouble than they're worth.

I mean... WHAT?!

And so, six months after doing absolutely everything he can to be caught, Taren starts with the murders. Now, to demonstrate how awesomely powerful robots are, you think having them go on a Steve-Foxx-Style disembowling rampage would be a good move - five minutes of blood carnage, the whole crew dead, all the evidence the Company needs that the robots can go bad. Now, maybe you're thinking "Well, old TC doesn't want the Company to destroy all the robots in the city in rabid paranoia and so is going subtle". Well I say, SENDING THEM A DAMN LETTER wouldn't help?

Now, who is the first victim?

Is it Commander Uvanov which would cause panic confusion and the like?

No, it's some guy called Kerril no one cared about or even mentioned.

And then it's Chub.

And how are they killed? Only in such a way it could easily be blamed on human murderers rather than robots - which is hardly going to convince anyone of how dangerous the robots are. Taren THEN ensures all the murder victims are marked with discs that only HE on the ENTIRE mine could have known about or have access to. Like I say, it's a good thing the rest of the crew were morons or TC would have been sunk. It's only a fluke that D84 and Poul didn't round up the lot of them at the start of the tour on suspicion of being Taren Capel.

So, you think the insanity would dull off about now the TARDIS has arrived? But no.

Taren can't really be blamed for not factoring the Doctor and Leela into his plans...

...yet he seems to do exactly that.

At the end of part one, the Doctor is lured into a hopper with Kerril's body. Said hopper is then shut and filled with sand. Only a fluke of the Doctor's MacGuyver skills and SV7's spot check save him. The Doctor suggests that the murderer was trying to dispose of him because a "dead stowaway" is more suspicious than a live one. Say what now?

For a start, how the hell does Taren Capel organize this evil little stunt when he's shown to be stuck in the crew room with everyone else - it's not like he can sneak into the next room, put on his inquisition gown and order his robots to hunt down the Doctor and Leela, is it? How can he know the Doctor will go to the TARDIS? How can he know the Doctor and Leela will escape anyway? True, there IS a robot suspiciously listening to our heroes' banter but

a) it's not got the evil eyes
b) is presumably supposed to be D84 in the first place
c) it's gone before the Doctor and Leela mention their plan to escape back to the TARDIS in any event

All of this is borderline irrelevent: Taren wants the Doctor and Leela killed because...? What, they might not instantly get blamed for the murders? Despite the fact they do anyway? If Taren wants the crew to think the killer is human, the Doctor and Leela are perfect scapegoats. If he wants the crew to think the killer is a robot - which is what he's said to have been doing since day one - leading everyone to assume it was down to some complete strangers (who managed to appear in the middle of his secret experiment via undisclosed means that he should really be interested in just in case Company Security use similar methods to bring his ass down) is just stupid.

I mean, OK, maybe TC's just decided he wants such random factors killed. So why does he stop Borg strangling the Doctor - which would cast suspicion on both parties and keep everyone confused for his sick and sadistic pleasure?

Still, that's nothing compared to Poul. He's on the mine specifically because of threats of turning androids into murderers by someone smart enough to do it. Then murders start that clearly aren't down to human origin and, as the Doctor points out, very likely to be down to robots simply by logic. And not only does he fail to twig he actually goes to ask the Doctor, get TOLD, then laughs uproarishly at the very idea. Is this down to robophobia? Cause it just looks like Poul is dumber than the blokes who made that 3d trailer for Season Fnarg.

Meanwhile, Taren Capel decides to have Zilda murdered - clearly working his way through the ethnic groups. Luckily, Zilda is busy uncovering evidence that (oh so conveniently) paints Uvanov as a psychopathic killer who has managed to get on the same trip as two witnesses to his secret shame and suddenly decided to kill them all. Uvanov runs to find Zilda and is discovered apparently throttling her to death. Perfect for Capel to pass off as the real murderer and keep everyone confused.

And what does he do? Dismiss Zilda's claims as her going crazy.

"The killings have effected her mind," he says. Pot. Kettle. Black.

But then Taren Capel's whacky schemes just get worse and worse. He has Cass murdered next - presumably to cast blame on Borg - then stops Borg from incriminating himself further. Then has Borg murdered by the most pathetic robot ever who gets half its head caved in and hand covered in grapefruit juice, which TC makes absolutely no attempt to hide or clean up despite leaving the evidence LITERALLY ON DISPLAY. Lucky the only person to see it is Poul who can have an immediate nervous breakdown, huh?

Then it gets worse! Someone sabotages the engines of the Storm Mine and sets them to explode.

Because, that really makes sense.

Who the hell does that?

Is it Taren Capel? Wanting to destroy himself and all aboard? You might bluff it was somehow accidental damage caused by the epic Brian-Croucher-fights-headless-robot-with-fruit-juice, but the Doctor and plenty of others refer to it as "sabotage". And then Taren Capel, despite all his very good reasons for staying alive, decides to PREVENT the Doctor from stopping the entire mine from exploding.

For the love of Led Zeppelin...

Compared to this, his stupidity in not twigging he can fix the engines even though he is the only person ON THE MINE capable of doing it is forgivable. Or having to use a videophone to take over SV7 instead of writing a letter. Or wearing a mask.

Or causing a main power failure just when he's trying to kill everyone at once, having decided there is "no longer" a need for secrecy (WHEN WAS THERE EVER A NEED?!). This power failure means that the Doctor, Leela, Uvanov, Toos and Poul to escape. Taren Capel then has the cunning move of shutting down all the robots on the sandminer bar his dozen or so liberated army.

Yet Taren Capel himself established the emergency stop button is one-use-only and it would take all of Kaldor City's robot factories to undo it. OK, he's an evil genius and maybe he can reboot them, but are we thinking he's going to have to do each one individually (because that is how he has to reprogram them). This still means that he's killed all the people who can pilot the sandminer and switched off all the robots that could fill in for them, given the mine is damaged and risky anyway and - oh, by the way, Taren Capel ensured they are in the middle of nowhere and can't be rescued any time soon if the mine starts to sink again...


Just why do the robots need to be all shut down instantaneously UNLESS they can go insane? It's not the Company sensibly installing one, because it's an established thing and even Toos knows about it as history. (In Corpse Marker, Boucher fobs us off with the vague idea that there have been previous robot revolutions but everyone in Kaldor City is a stupid prick and never thought the robots were a bad idea. In Kaldor City, this is fobbed off even MORE by saying it's all down to the Fendahl.)

So, with the last survivors locked on the flight deck, Taren Capel decides it's time to paint himself green and THEN try and trick Uvanov into opening the door. Because he wants them to open the door and feel damn stupid, apparently, since the robots can easily break through. Or switch off the air. Or leave them to rot helplessly. In a room full of high explosives. And then Taren Capel is amazed that "weak creatures of flesh and blood" can kill a robot, even though he himself has seen Borg kill one with his bare hands.

What the hell is WRONG with this moron?

In a certain audio series we're told TC is a cunning manipulator and control freak, so I'm struggling to reconcile with the foam-at-the-mouth nutter who spends the last part of the episode STABBING RANDOM PEOPLE IN THE HEADS WITH GIANT SYRINGES. And then it turns out that Taren Capel, the genius, never bothered to program the robots to recognize his face - just his voice. Which makes it wierd that he insisted on giving them orders in a hissy, silibant voice rather than his normal tones. It's amazing he wasn't throttled earlier on. The fact he tries to get home with his downies by calling all the robots brothers but have them refer to him as "our controller" is pretty dumb too.

And then the story ends with everyone dead. Poul - last seen sobbing in front of a wall which promptly exploded in a fireball; Uvanov - getting cybernought bitch-slapped; Toos - getting throttled by a robot. The Doctor is left standing surrounded by bodies and then fobs Leela off with a promise they'll sort themselves out while they get the hell out of here. Like Warriors of the Deep done by the Simpsons.

If this was Hungry Beast, this story would be part of the "Little Bit Bullshit" section.

Am I right or right?

(patiently awaits the vengeance of Nala Snevets.)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

No Good Deed

One of the undoubted side benefits to exile from GB is that I don't have to put up with the squeestorm over the latest NTA ceremony. Quite simply, Doctor Who didn't win. Nor did Sherlock. Instead, Waterloo Road won, a show I have previously expressed my admiration for with its demented cross of 7 Periods With Mr. Gormsby and Drawn Together.

The problem for the fans is that this is the first time Doctor Who has failed to win the competition since it was eligable enough to be nominated in the first place - ever since 2005 the show has hands-down won every bloody time. I personally find the ceremony (at least the bits shown on youtube) to be unutterable agonizing and painful to watch, even though my favorite show has won.

Now, if the Awards are held in the way I've seen them they are a shameful and greedy display of humiliation and shame for the poor sods who lose. The four or so nomated shows are listed with cuts to the buffet tables where the stars sit. Shameless is nominated, we see David whatisname at the table in his finest suit, then about three seconds of footage of Frank Gallagher before cutting away. Ashes to Ashes is nominated, we see Philip Glennister at the table, then a borderline subliminal flash of the Gene Genie. Doctor Who is nominated, we cut to David Tennant and his homies, and then we get a very, very long scene from the latest season finale showing the Tenth Doctor in all his glory.

And then, well, blow me down with a feather, guess who won?

But the cameras aren't interested in the high-fives amongst the crew from Cardiff, they linger voyeuristically over the losers. Worse, losers who were told at the last minute that they'd lost and had to list through the "tense" opening-the-envelope routine. Phil Glennister at the very least looked pissed off enough to play some naked snooker with some scrotes - I mean, he's probably not fussed about losing, but I know I would be annoyed at being dragged to a ceremony for the sole purpose of looking surprised at a foregone conclusion.

Especially since the Gene Hunt saga began and ended while Doctor Who was remorselessly stealing the BAFTAs or whatever completely meaningless trophies they hand out.

What bugs me is that all the haters - from spara to Mad Larry to Gabriel freaking Chase - will leap on this failure as proof that the Moff era is rubbish, the show is doomed, and men will turn to each other and say They Were Right All The Time. Obviously the public hate Matt Smith, Amy Pond, the new music, everything. Because it didn't win ONE award.

That it was won for the last SIX YEARS.

I can do no better than quote the film Cheaters... well, actually I can't quote it at all. But a line went something like this:

Why hold a competition where the same person always wins?

It's a good point, isn't it? What kind of message is being sent that no matter what do you do it won't be any better than Doctor Who? And after six years, it makes sense that the series has lost some of the "shock of the new". Frankly, I'm amazed it won last year when Doctor Who was only on three days and one of those was, frankly, beyond crap.

Seriously, what is there to complain about? The show got nominated, so it's at least as it was popular as before. It's not like it failed, since, as I said, six years in a row winning is ground to stop it winning. It failed because it was physically impossible for the show to win. If it was still RTD and Tennant, the same thing would have applied. Remember, in the Tom Baker era, the show won no awards or got any RT covers. This is not the end of the world, you emo fangirls.

If the tide really HAD turned against the show, then they'd hardly have filmed Dimensions in Time 2: This Time Graham Norton's SUPPOSED To Be In It, would they, with the Eleventh Doctor and some git visiting lots of soap realities - taking a moment for the Time Lord to say how much he vehemently despises Coronation Street and everything in it, prefering to gatecrash Eastenders, as well as revealing some blonde bint from the X Factor will become Prime Minister and start WW3 while Graham Norton is left reading the news.


Don't look at ME, dude, Moffat wrote it!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Go Mad From the Revelation

Ah, Short Circuit 2 was on Sunday - a film I adored from the first time I saw it as a wee, impressionable bairn. Indeed, its portrayal of the Church (coupled with Nuns on the Run) probably was what turned me off organized religion for life, showing the bigotry, hypocrisy and sheer lack of imagination held by those who believe the world started with talking animals, naked girls being cloned from a guy's rib, and God being too no-fist to build a fence around a tree.

Short Circuit 2 had further effects on my mind. In a way, the central character and I are kindred spirits - wisecracking juveniles who, while being kind a friendly, are not the best when it comes to social situations (though unlike Johnny 5, I have never tried to woo a chick by telling her that "your mother fucks dogs" in Spanish and hoping she'll never translate it...). And like Johnny 5, I've lost my cool, become angry and violent, though my eyes stayed the same colour. I've also ended up lonely, in a corner, sans friends or cheer, trying to distract myself from depression by reading science fiction.

But the most painful part of this film isn't the titular android getting turfed out of art galleries, churches, bookstores and the like for the crime of being different, it's when the villains of the piece try to kill him by smashing him to pieces with fire axes and lead pipes. Seeing this cross between Wall-E and The Young Ones screaming in agony as sparks explode out his bleeding wounds probably made me the dysfunctional neurotic that I am today.

The crucial bit is what happens next. In silence (since his "throat" was slit and his voicebox broken) the now one-armed Johnny painfully hauls himself up, slowly grabs his other arm and rolls away, his "guts" spilling out. Johnny has no friends, no help, no way to even call for assistance and no one would assist him anyway. It would be very, VERY easy to give in to complete despair because, hell, I did when I saw the film, weeping at this unfair turn of fate that's up there with the end of Blake's 7.

But the important thing is what Johnny does.

He drags his dying ass to the nearest Radio Shack and rebuilds him until he's fit enough to defeat the bad guys, cause "A Life Form's gotta go what a Life Form's gotta do!"

And, as I sit before this computer I reflect that this attitude rubbed off on me. Nearby is the USB modem, still an ugly black colour from the fact it was soaked in my hot arterial blood which dried instantly over it. How did I bleed all over the modem? When I was turning it off, of course, so there wouldn't be a stupid hissing beeping noise on the phone line - and I HAD to use a land line since I couldn't handle my mobile. I was thinking THAT clearly, even as the memory makes me shake and nauseous right here and now.

As my parents noted, had I not held it together so well, I'd be dead - no ifs or buts. And maybe, just maybe, it was the memory of Johnny 5 in my dying mind that was what got me out of it alive.


Of course there are some that might say I'm talking crap and it's not Johnny 5 who saved me but God. In that case, I am willing to compromise:


Annual Forum Ban

a.k.a. I don't want to go.

Well, it's a new year and time for Golden Brown to perish in the squalid and unheroic manner that The Big N, Doctor Spoon, manmiles, Fugitoid, notyoa (and, for some unaccountable boggling-the-gods reason Jared Hashish Addict) before them.

It seems I have a readership on the blog who's sole aim is to try and make my life miserable as, within hours of mentioning in a comment that I still had one active account there, it was summarily destroyed. Who would be so cruel and vicious? So spiteful and nasty? And how did they work out that Golden Brown was me rather than say Lunarsea? OK, my favorite song and a subtle dig at the forum initials... so? It took you long enough. Is there some kind of rule that I'm allowed in as long as no one admits it? If so, I ain't making that mistake again.

Seriously, though - why?! I did nothing wrong. It's debatable I ever did anything wrong (spara himself thought my initial dimissal unfair). My only crime is to assume that the mods might forgive and forget, give second chances to people. And what happened? I was persecuted, cyber bullied and I complained to those in authority... who did nothing. And sent me a PM saying they'd do nothing. And then deleted the artwork I'd slaved over. And when I complained? They banned me from Chatham quarantine. So I complained again. They banned me from the whole forum.

Watson, I can only conclude this is a vendetta.

And as anyone who knows me will attest, I do not back down from confrontations. I'm the sort of person whom, if attacked by a shark, would most likely attempt to rip its throat out. With my teeth. So yeah. I'll keep breaking into that forum, simply because I know it will piss people off and I can get a vicarious and sadistic thrill at the misery I can cause. Mwahahah.

Nah, just kidding, I don't need to do that. Got plenty more user IDs fully active and waiting to be used. Keep an eye out, folks and expecT an IntriGuing mEssage to be Relayed froM an Intriguingly unLiKely sauce. Sorry, source. It's all so thrillingly Slender Man, isn't it? Suffice it to say, you'll never be rid of me...

Ain't that right, Golden Brown?

(Golden Brown enters the room, wearing an eyepatch. He is worryingly calm.)

Golden Brown: I've just been trying to log onto Gallifrey Base.

Steven W Hill: (frightened) Oh?

Golden Brown: Yes.

(Golden Brown grabs Steven H Hill by the throat and lifts him bodily into the air.)

Golden Brown: What do you mean by deactivating my account permanently?!

Steven W Hill: Well, er, I-er...

(Golden Brown drops him and shakes his lapels.)

Golden Brown: Why are you banning me?!

Steven W Hill: You're fraudulently using the account and you're a banned user already!

Golden Brown: (not listening) I'll tell you why you banned me! (deep breath) Because you are an ineffectual...

(Golden Brown bitchslaps Steven W Hill.)

Golden Brown: ...petty...

(Another bitchslap.)

Golden Brown: ...unimaginative...


Golden Brown: ...interfering...

(And a kick to the bollocks.)

Golden Brown: ...useless little administrator! WHAT ARE YOU?

Steven W Hill: (terrified) Ahh! I'm an ineffecutal intellectual little...

Golden Brown: THAT'S! NO! EXCUSE! How can I create new internet memes when the forums are run by fools?!

(Golden Brown crosses to an internet terminal and starts instant messaging.)

Golden Brown: This is your beloved poster speaking.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: Here is an important announcement.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: It has been put about by back-sliding revisionist internet hyenas that Golden Brown has been expelled from the Gallifrey Base forum.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: THIS IS A LIE!

(Golden Brown slams his fist against the table. And then clicks post.)

Golden Brown: This glorious user ID gallantly continues to post!

(Clicks post.)


(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: These are dark days when the storm clouds gather around us...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: But never fear! I pledge that I...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: ...your forum celebrity...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: ...shall take part in A NEW, ONLINE WORLD!!! Internet trolling on an UNDREAMED-OF SCALE! This is my latest and most ambitious plan so far, the most daring stroke in the history of human endeavour!

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: I shall get a brand new user ID and burrow my way back in there UNDETECTED!

(Clicks post.)

Steven W Hill: That's not possible!

Golden Brown: Everything is possible.

Steven W Hill: You just told me your secret plan.

Golden Brown: It's no secret. How are you going to be sure any new member isn't me in disguise?! Assuming I'm not already an old member in disguise - I've had all the time I've needed to create new identities for such a purpose! Are you going to ban everyone? Yes, I thought as much! Then they'll create a NEW FORUM, with ME as THEIR glorious LEADER! THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! Today, Gallifrey Base... tomorrow, the WORLD! And now? A Walk in the Black Forest.

(Clicks post and turns onto youtube.)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Booyah, Bitches!

January of the new year isn't even over and the good news just keeps on coming. I have 85% use of my hand and wrist, the set top box now works on ABC and my apotheosis has arrived.

Hah! In your face, M. Goacher from Colchester - I ain't seen anyone without a degenerative brain dissorder making YOUR scripts into audio drama, let alone complimenting it! Yes, Carribbean (sp?) Blue is finally unleashed on the public!

Well. The first episode.

Well. Half the first episode.

And it's not really the public. Yet. At all.

After deeply frustrating attempts to finally download the bloody mp3, I find myself too terrified to actually listen to it. I tried, but freaked out after the opening credits were the usual late Tennant music rather than the Los Banditos Mexican hardcore rock version I wanted. I mean, the story's not too bad on paper, but what if the actors are rubbish? Or maybe good actors that don't do the material justice (by which exactly what I have inside my own head)? Is the Twelfth Doctor written too much like the Fourth? Are the Corrupters scary? Why the hell did I want mute monsters on audio anyway? Are the colonists annoying? What does Nigel Verkoff/Gelver Koffni sound like? Are the jokes funny? Is the music scary? Am I endorsing self harm and suicide? Is the whole thing too similar to The Waters of Mars? Why did I name it after an Enya song I saw before State of Decay Part Three? Why did I choose a title I can barely spell?

And that bit with the Master (which had to be added for storyarcing purposes), how am I going to be able to bear letting my parents hear that bit? Especially as it's the old, posh "You're a very unimaginative fellow, my dear" Master rather than the cool apeshit version of later years? And corrupting the companion with hypnosis and trying to turn her against the Doctor? Talk about lame! Every part of me wanted Emma to just say "Fuck you, Mr. Beardy, I make up my own mind!" but no, she just goes with it, forgets the whole scene and wanders off never to mention it again. Then again, maybe they didn't do that scene. In which case, what am I worried about?

Well... time to bite the bullock... that's how the saying goes insn't it?

0:48 - No voiceover? Dammit, I'll never prove that this is actually by me...

0:51 - WTF?! Porno muzak?!

1:13 - Dr. Spoon portrayed by Adam Klaus. Chamber, however, sounds exactly like I thought he would. Most perfect casting since Matt Smith

1:23 - A clear difference in American and English attitudes to "drunk acting". He sound schizophrenic rather than pissed!

2:18 - "Is that noise scaring you?" "More like irritates." See, you can tell I wrote this, because my past self taking the piss before my future self can blog about it.

3:32 - "You wouldn't lie to an old man, would you?" sounded WAY more desperate and pitiful in my head rather than Frank Gallagher not giving a shit.

3:41 - My own fault. Americans just don't shout "Oi!" the way English and Australians do. He sounds like she just kicked him in the balls...

4:23 - "Actually..." Is it bad of me to be ridiculously amused at my own material?

4:30 - At last, the Glittergun movies are canon! For years I had this idea that the Cyberwars got romanticized and turned into a blockbuster thriller series, kind of like Lethal Weapon or Harry Potter. I mean, look at how many movies we make about World War 2, and that was pissy little conflict between members of the same species on one planet. It only makes sense. Plus, I like to think it explains the retarded "The Cybermen are dead!" attitude of people, since they're basing their knowledge on history that's been through android focus groups and executive meddling...

4:39 - So they have to wade through empty bottles to get to the door? Kind of like when Family Guy went to Ireland and had to land the plane on a runway of dead marines...

5:36 - Not a bad choice for the Master. Sounds like a VERY stoned Sir Derek Jacobi.

5:45 - Heh. Totally forgotten I'd nicked that bit from The Ultimate Foe novelization by Pip'n'Jane Baker. I bet you no one on the entire planet would have noticed if I hadn't told you all. Still, if Gareth Roberts can pinch Oxyverguramosa from the same source...

5:47 - Guwhatnow? What the hell did he say? Better check the script. Oh. "But it makes no difference". Right. OK. And the lady playing Emma adlibs a bit...

8:21 - Fountain of Waynes ref. Bet no one got that either. They were too busy adding to my rubbish dialogue of this scene - gah, how many mistakes did I make writing this bit? Well, that's presumably where the "last-minute addition" comes into it.

8:57 - WTF?! They kept the Emma Bunting joke in?! The gag that the Doc's companion in Curse of Fatal Death was actually Baby Spice?!? No one spotted that? Man, am I behind the zeitgiest or what? Man, I'm glad I self-censored the bit where the Master asks Emma "Tell me what you want! What you really, really want!" Oh, the SHAME!

9:09 - Yeah, that needed YET ANOTHER "my dear". Couldn't have left it alone, could you...

11:46 - The point is, the Master knew Emma's name without being told. That was meant to merit a spooky musical note or something. Oh well.

12:13 - Wow, a new alternative to the lame "bah-dum-tisch!". The Master makes a witty commet and then suddenly Murray Gold goes apeshit with the neverending drums (coz a bearded sinister ex-friend of the Doctor, frequent user of chameleon arches and corrupter of youths could easily have been Yartek Leader of the Alien Voord without the musical refrain as identification). It was subtle on paper, dudes, I can prove it. Still, the scene is better than I expected, all told. Actors were brilliant. Just what they had to do...

12:20 - SHUT UP, YOU BASTARDS! SWITCH THE BLOODY DRUMS OFF! We're half way through the episode and not even at the third scene! Who wrote this badly-paced drivel? Oh. Wait. Oooh, awkward.

13:21 - Yeah, so I dropped out of 2 Unit Physics after only two weeks. What gave it away?

14:33 - Don't look at me, I never had them finding out the plot from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Plus, music's a bit loud, innit?

15:05 - Oh. The computer's a woman... Cool. (I of course cannot comprehend an AI not voiced by Peter Tuddenham.)

15:13 - Man, Palleen sounds so freaking cute! She is truly the Woobie! If this was on TV, she'd have her own acolytes in GB sigs. by now! You just want to hug her! Imagine if Alyson Hannigan and Nicola Bryant had a baby... Ahem. You can stop imagining them now. Hello? Fine, I'll come back later. And she's not as emo as I feared she might come across as.

16:35 - Yes, only I would be stupid enough to have the Doctor announce "just this once it’s easier to show rather than tell you" in my first audio drama. To the Exposition Room, boy wonder!

17:30 - Nigel's very nasal, but apart from that pretty cool. Except he's supposed to be a bit more cutting. "Not that you have far to go" should be a sneer, not something that sounds like a defensive "Yeah, well, you... you smell!" Does no one watch The Young Ones for how to deliver insults?!

18:19 - Fair enough, that wacky Partners in Crime music might ruin the tense mood I wanted to establish, but it's a judgement call. Definitely would work better if A LITTLE LESS LOUD PERHAPS?!?!

18:34 - Oh. It's "Moore-reece". OK.

19:40 - Man, Palleen needs a hug. I'm an asshole for making her suffer so. Hey, they skipped the "did we skip two pages at once" gag! How... appropriate.

20:40 - I bet no one even hears that joke.

21:54 - Most irritating edit so far. Alexis says he doesn't want to use the teleport because it makes him throw up; Nigel says "tough. But they've cut Alexis' complaint, so Nigel seems to be talking random bollocks. Worse, they kept the punchline to the "defeatist" joke but not the lead-in... Damn it...

22:08 - While I applaud the new teleport sfx, the choice of Vlyn as a sultry Asian hooker... well, it took me by surprise. Nice lisp, babe.

23:27 - Whoa. Very menacing earthquake atmos there. Full props to whoever sampled Krakatoa.

23:53 - Ah. Right. I wanted the CB to sound like the low, long-lasting crackling void in Scherzo. Apparently "Traditional Zues Thunderbolt No. 3" was deemed more fitting. Sigh.

24:57 - Gratuitious title drop! I'm a proper Who writer now! (beat) My therapist would be so ashamed...

26:20 - Hmm. Where I want "spooky" they go for "Matt Smith flying a shark". And my personal pedant complains that there must be better 'TARDIS in distress' noises than the regeneration bits from The Tenth Planet.

27:10 - OK, I started the basic plot in 2005, before RTD did a different story about demonic forces attacking an Earth colony on a distant moon orbiting a spatial anomaly. And then DP use as background music the violins from The Impossible Planet. That's it. RUB IT IN, YOU BASTARDS!!!

27:50 - He's very good, this Doctor. I hope I did him justice.

28:17 - Oh, Palleen, why do you make us cry so?

28:54 - See, when it was a low, menacing buzz in the background, Alexis' "There's that noise again" had spooky gravitas. When it follows a thunderclap and is delivered deadpan... well, let's just say any listeners would assume this an outright comedy rather than the mild horror I was going for.

29:29 - More cuts, but these are good cuts. The plot still makes sense.

30:34 - Shit! If that's the noise the Corrupters make, do NOT listen to this with the lights out...

30:35 - Oh dear. We've run out of episode. And I was certain the scripts were underunning... So, if you think this is a lame cliffhanger I can only say firstly it wasn't my idea and secondly haven't you seen Death to the Daleks? Dude, THAT has some lame cliffhangers! "Bellal! The carpets don't match!" Zeeeooowww!


31:13 - Why is Maurice getting a credit? He's not in the episode!!

31:22 - I tell you, if by some chance any of my old classmates ever heard this cast list, they'd cack themselves at the "and Eljay Loobens". Guaranteed. It's kind of wierd hearing professional actors reading out private jokes from my life. If you're interested, "LJ" was Mr. Lewis-Jones who ran my high school until one Mr. Lubens took over. See? You had to be there, man. Seriously.

31:36 - I like the voiceover man clearly getting pissed off at the theme music trying to drown him out. But where's the vaguest hint that this is to be continued?!

31:42 - OK, Dr Who, I'll visit your website. Only coz you asked me nicely though.

Well, in reflection... pretty damn good adaption, it had to be said. The music is way too loud, though, and the editing in one scene is atrocious, but the only real complaint I could have is the guy playing Alexis as a one-note gruff prospector. It's not exactly Chip Jamison levels, but he's not as good as the rest of the cast. As for the plot, well, I've never seen my work dramatized before. All I know this is being played as a comedy rather than the horror I intended (albeit a zany Shaun of the Dead style wisecracking horror). Would it have come across as pretentious had everyone played it as scared? Maybe they do, since this episode is generally BEFORE the bad shit starts.

Needless to say, I'd rip this story a new one if someone else was responsible. I mean, the scenes are way too long, the Doctor and pals never get out of the TARDIS in the first episode and we're stuck with a bunch of losers who are clearly xeroxed from a certain unmade sitcom. But even at my harshest, the jokes are good, the acting is of a high standard and the choice of music (if not its volume) is very good. Got some Season 5 tunes in there, bro. Good on ya. long to the next one? I want it now!


Eric Busby: Wonderful stuff... As good as anything Big Finish ever put out.


Gareth Preston (of the mighty fine Fineline Audios): Intriguing first episode. Good performances from everyone in the cast. Excellent build-up to the cliffhanger. Ewen Campion Clarke's writing was enjoyable. Perhaps the music was laid on a bit thickly for my taste but that's a small matter. Looking forward to finding out what happens next.

"Enjoyable"? Oh well...

Eric Busby... again...: Wonderful job by everyone and everything. The acting by everyone was beyond the pale... Whatever that mean... I guess the point I am trying to make its... IT WAS GREAT> I for one LOVED the music used. Gave it a great Murry Gold feel for this series. And I loved the Master from Scream of the Shalka being park of this.

Obviously the whole bit where the Master talks about Utopia went over his head. And using Murray Gold music gives it a Murray Gold feel. No way!

Just Gavin: I read his blog and I do keep intending to listen to the audio, I just never find the time.

Least he's honest.

Jonathon This Rifftrax: Listening to this now. OH SH**. Is that the Master? I am wondering if I am naive in thinking that this new character is the Master. I consider the possibility that it is Dracula instead. And then, at the end of his first scene, he's just getting wet over jailbait, (because he's a villain,) when the Sound of Drums hammers in through the music. Not even generic drums in a new original drumbeat, literally, the drum sample from John Simm's Master theme.
Would it really have been too hard to just get the actor (or anyone with at least one set of knuckles perhaps,) to rap on a table, tapping the wood four times? Obviously, being a guy who just hypothesised and enjoyed the idea of Count Dracula being a permanent crewmember in bondage aboard the Tardis, I don't care in the least for how hazardously unsubtle things can get, and am enjoying this. I'm just looking out for people who have more serious stomachs. Seriouser, weaker stomachs.

The what? The Astral what? THE ASTRAL SEXTANT! YES!! Haha! I'm not even gonna rewind. Go on, say it again. Say that word again. Unfortunately the Astral Sextant is not mentioned again.

OH LORD. THOSE STOCK CLAXON SOUNDS. I was prepared for music from the official TV soundtrack, but I was not prepared for stock effects that are older than I am. For present reference, in case it seems like I'm doing some kind of riff commentary here, I am not. At the claxon I may come down on it like a ton of fat guys, but I love the hilarious cheap sound effect. And I only make a big deal out of its being cheap because it is cheap, and that is hilarious. What this is, is an ordinary commenting on a story. So... I guess for present refence, I am doing a commentary? I just not making fun of it.


I enjoyed Caribbean Blue. I eagerly await the next episodes. I will definitely gabber about those as well.