Monday, January 24, 2011

Annual Forum Ban

a.k.a. I don't want to go.

Well, it's a new year and time for Golden Brown to perish in the squalid and unheroic manner that The Big N, Doctor Spoon, manmiles, Fugitoid, notyoa (and, for some unaccountable boggling-the-gods reason Jared Hashish Addict) before them.

It seems I have a readership on the blog who's sole aim is to try and make my life miserable as, within hours of mentioning in a comment that I still had one active account there, it was summarily destroyed. Who would be so cruel and vicious? So spiteful and nasty? And how did they work out that Golden Brown was me rather than say Lunarsea? OK, my favorite song and a subtle dig at the forum initials... so? It took you long enough. Is there some kind of rule that I'm allowed in as long as no one admits it? If so, I ain't making that mistake again.

Seriously, though - why?! I did nothing wrong. It's debatable I ever did anything wrong (spara himself thought my initial dimissal unfair). My only crime is to assume that the mods might forgive and forget, give second chances to people. And what happened? I was persecuted, cyber bullied and I complained to those in authority... who did nothing. And sent me a PM saying they'd do nothing. And then deleted the artwork I'd slaved over. And when I complained? They banned me from Chatham quarantine. So I complained again. They banned me from the whole forum.

Watson, I can only conclude this is a vendetta.

And as anyone who knows me will attest, I do not back down from confrontations. I'm the sort of person whom, if attacked by a shark, would most likely attempt to rip its throat out. With my teeth. So yeah. I'll keep breaking into that forum, simply because I know it will piss people off and I can get a vicarious and sadistic thrill at the misery I can cause. Mwahahah.

Nah, just kidding, I don't need to do that. Got plenty more user IDs fully active and waiting to be used. Keep an eye out, folks and expecT an IntriGuing mEssage to be Relayed froM an Intriguingly unLiKely sauce. Sorry, source. It's all so thrillingly Slender Man, isn't it? Suffice it to say, you'll never be rid of me...

Ain't that right, Golden Brown?

(Golden Brown enters the room, wearing an eyepatch. He is worryingly calm.)

Golden Brown: I've just been trying to log onto Gallifrey Base.

Steven W Hill: (frightened) Oh?

Golden Brown: Yes.

(Golden Brown grabs Steven H Hill by the throat and lifts him bodily into the air.)

Golden Brown: What do you mean by deactivating my account permanently?!

Steven W Hill: Well, er, I-er...

(Golden Brown drops him and shakes his lapels.)

Golden Brown: Why are you banning me?!

Steven W Hill: You're fraudulently using the account and you're a banned user already!

Golden Brown: (not listening) I'll tell you why you banned me! (deep breath) Because you are an ineffectual...

(Golden Brown bitchslaps Steven W Hill.)

Golden Brown: ...petty...

(Another bitchslap.)

Golden Brown: ...unimaginative...


Golden Brown: ...interfering...

(And a kick to the bollocks.)

Golden Brown: ...useless little administrator! WHAT ARE YOU?

Steven W Hill: (terrified) Ahh! I'm an ineffecutal intellectual little...

Golden Brown: THAT'S! NO! EXCUSE! How can I create new internet memes when the forums are run by fools?!

(Golden Brown crosses to an internet terminal and starts instant messaging.)

Golden Brown: This is your beloved poster speaking.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: Here is an important announcement.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: It has been put about by back-sliding revisionist internet hyenas that Golden Brown has been expelled from the Gallifrey Base forum.

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: THIS IS A LIE!

(Golden Brown slams his fist against the table. And then clicks post.)

Golden Brown: This glorious user ID gallantly continues to post!

(Clicks post.)


(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: These are dark days when the storm clouds gather around us...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: But never fear! I pledge that I...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: ...your forum celebrity...

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: ...shall take part in A NEW, ONLINE WORLD!!! Internet trolling on an UNDREAMED-OF SCALE! This is my latest and most ambitious plan so far, the most daring stroke in the history of human endeavour!

(Clicks post.)

Golden Brown: I shall get a brand new user ID and burrow my way back in there UNDETECTED!

(Clicks post.)

Steven W Hill: That's not possible!

Golden Brown: Everything is possible.

Steven W Hill: You just told me your secret plan.

Golden Brown: It's no secret. How are you going to be sure any new member isn't me in disguise?! Assuming I'm not already an old member in disguise - I've had all the time I've needed to create new identities for such a purpose! Are you going to ban everyone? Yes, I thought as much! Then they'll create a NEW FORUM, with ME as THEIR glorious LEADER! THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! Today, Gallifrey Base... tomorrow, the WORLD! And now? A Walk in the Black Forest.

(Clicks post and turns onto youtube.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I read your post, and well, uh, I think I unintentionally read something in that post, and, uh, what? No. That's not right? No. It's not possible.