Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gratuitous Next Time Trailer...

[We see Wynona, Nigel’s new car, with a ‘SOLD’ sign stuck to the windscreen.]

Nigel: [vo] Salutations, my fellow students, on this, the first day of high school!

[A group of students are gathered around an oven, which suddenly explodes outwards in a fireball. A window shatters outwards as flame belches out into the sky. An alarm goes off.]


[A soot-stained Nigel boggles through the smoke.]

Tegan: [vo] He’s the coolest kid in the entire year.

[Tegan and Harry are walking to class.]

Tegan: No idea how he managed it since he’s cuntdom personified, but he is...

[Wynona smashes through a pair of double doors.]


Akiro: [screaming] You psychopath! You’ve brought shame upon us all!


[Andrew strides down a street, hands in his pockets, brooding.]


[Nigel stands on stage, addressing the assembled student body.]

Nigel: The Student Representative Council will, from this day forth, be held accountable to a new body to be lead by none other than myself. I call this new organization... The Happiness Patrol!


[A sign is erected next to the ‘SYDNEY SECONDARY COLLEGE CAMPUS’. This new sign has Nigel posing on it, arms folded, looking up and to the left with a notice saying ‘AS PATRONIZED BY NIGELLA J VERKOFF!!!’]

Dave: I can’t cope with this any more! It’s just idiots marching in lines and lines and I’m SICK OF IT!

Jadi: You’ve lost. For real.

[Nigel is pushed off a bank into the muddy sand at the edge of a river. Nigel’s Dad turns away and walk away. Andrew rips open an inspection hatch. Dave prepares to jump off a walkway a good 30 metres above the ground.]

Katy: There’s going to be a war. We’re going to get dragged into it. First America and then us.

[Nigel watches the September 11 crash on a TV, the plane crash reflected in his glasses.]

Katy: And people STILL won’t vote Howard out of office!

[Bernice and Nigel are entering a new house.]

Nigel: You know me, Benny, I’m the nicest of all possible flatmates and neighbours.

[He pushes some curtains apart and jumps back, startled, as he realizes that Andrew is leaning through the open window, chewing a tree stalk like some redneck yokel.]

Andrew: Oh, gooooooooooooooood!

[Jason, Betty and Simone turn around in unison as someone enters. Nigel guns the throttle in Wynona. A flood of tap water gushes out across the floor into several classrooms. Nigel, soaked head to toe, clutching a knife, runs down a side corridor and into the shadows. Dave watches Phoebe walking away. Harry drops out of an air vent and lands on a table, startling the students sitting around it. Simone decks Nigel with enough force to slam him against the wall opposite. Nigel. Jadi. Dave. Katy. Tegan. Andrew. Simone. Maurice. Phoebe. Jason. Betty. Harry. Lucy. Nigel. The severed head of a sheep.]


[A student turns on a firehose which sprays towards Nigel, who grabs Jason and uses him as a human shield. Nigel takes an exam. Kenji, Akiro and Bernice walk away, leaving Nigel alone. The millennium fireworks burst overhead as Nigel watches them on. Simone takes off her shirt. Phoebe sits crying. Andrew falls down a flight of stairs. Doctor Spoon and Chamber exchange troubled looks.]


[Nigel watches Bernice kissing another guy.]


[Andrew catches a dead pigeon thrown at him.]


[Dave knocks back a bottle of VB in the middle of an exam.]


[Katy ducks as Simone tries to bitch-slap her.]


[Nigel stares at a kitchen knife, in his hand, dripping with blood. Lucy kisses Harry. Dave is handed a picture of an ultrasound by Phoebe. Andrew shoulder-charges a door, which slams open and sends Jason reeling into an art project. Not long after, Nigel holds an art scalpel at Andrew’s throat. The crowds cheer as Nigel comes first in a race. Tegan and Katy walk into a girls toilet and Nigel slips in after them. Wynona does a burn-out. Andrew plays with a yo-yo. Simone closes a door, trapping Nigel in a room with her. Jadi kicks a locker, furious. A sky-writer scrawls NIGEL V 4EVER!!]

(and, more importantly, FALL)

Nigel: [dazed] So THAT’S what sex is like. [shakes head to clear it] HSC’ll be a piece of piss...

Cast in Order of Appearance

Steve - Tim Ferguson
Max - Jahan Redson
Bertram - Russell Tovey
Terry - Chip Jamison
Christie - the chick who played Fiona in the second series of "Round the Twist"
Cultist 1 - Frank Woodley
Cultist 2 - Colin Lane
Receptionist - Cal Wilson
Cop 1 - Jane Kennedy
Cop 2 - Mick Molloy
Togi the Butler - Hugh Laurie
Nigel's Mum - Jeffrey Coburn
Nigel's Dad - India Fisher
Nigel (Age 3-5) - Bindie Stewart-Fitzpatrick
Beriniko (Age 3-5) - Amy Acker
Kenji (Age 3-5) - Nigel Planer
Ariko (Age 3-5) - Joanna Lumbley
Kyota - Camille Coduri
Miko - Seth McFarlane
Tetsuma - Simon Pegg
Teachers - Paul Casey's Legs
Dave (Age 5) - whoever did the voice of "Babe" the Pig
Phoebe (Age 5) - Michelle Trantenburg
Theo (Age 5) - John Simm
Jadi (Age 5) - Craig Charles
Nigel (Age 10) - Vincent Kartheiser
Benny (Age 10) - Rebecca McCarthy
Kenji (Age 10) - Robbie Coltrane
Akiro (Age 10) - Miriam Margoyles as Tripitaka
Jadi (Age 10) - Jonas Armstrong
Dave (Age 10) - Sam Troughton
Phoebe (Age 10) - Jayma Mays
Jason - Bill Bailey
Police Officer - Phil Glennister
Demon Babe - Georgia Moffet
Bogan 1 - Jean Kitson
Bogan 2 - Anthony Ackroyd
Shop Girl - Claire Hooper
Optometrist - Terry Molloy
Maurice - Glyn Nicholas
Canteen Lady - Gina Riley
Danielle - Gigi Edgley
Sonya - the Lovely Aimee McDonald
Magnus - Keith Allan
Principal - David Collins
Riyoshi - Chippo Chung
Owen - Paul Darrow
Jose - Matthew Waterhouse
Gavin - Ben Bowder
Psycho - Kevin McNally
Andrew Beeblebrox - Bill Billingsley


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Absolutely love it. Just the write combo of high drama and sheer bewilderment.

Youth of Australia said...


And shameful as it is to say, there is a context for every one of those moments...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Really? Wow, I assumed some of them had to be just thrown in..

Youth of Australia said...

Nope. Pick any moment and I can put it in context of Nigel's life story.

Meantime, the last part of VATE is up on the immediate preceding post, but alas half the text is missing... stupid blogger. Updating it as I can.

matt311 said...


Youth of Australia said...


I know you're probably out of the loop when it comes to YOA character history, but basically this is like you going "John Smith, eh?" in regards to Jon Pertwee.

Imagine it's something else similarly meaningless and science-fictiony, if it helps, like Bannerman or Beeblebabble or Beritroximixidrixoxide...

matt311 said...

Well, I'm a bit of a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fanatic, so that name jumped off the page, for me...

Youth of Australia said...

Probably why Andrew chose it as his name...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Only just noticed the cast list. Was going to ask if it was serious but became clear in a fairly short amount of time that the answer was 'not 100%'.

As I read it, I have been bizarrely imagining it as a live-action TV series performed largely by actors in their 20s wearing ill-fitting young people clothes and pretending to be kids like you often see in the theatre.

But that's just me, and I am an odd'un, as I well know.

Youth of Australia said...

Only just noticed the cast list.
Well, it's not very noticeable...

Was going to ask if it was serious but became clear in a fairly short amount of time that the answer was 'not 100%'.

Basically they are the 'voices' I heard when I wrote them dialogue. And some I just came up with for a laugh, like Matthew Waterhouse.

As I read it, I have been bizarrely imagining it as a live-action TV series performed largely by actors in their 20s wearing ill-fitting young people clothes and pretending to be kids like you often see in the theatre. But that's just me, and I am an odd'un, as I well know.
It's reasonable enough.

I visualized the first few parts about Steve and Christie being a D-Generation style sitcom, then a cartoon for Nigel's childhood, and then a dodgy live action Mortified for the latter days.

But since - if this ever WAS to be made it would be some freaky animation with voice artists, I just went mad on the cast. I mean, Keith Allan? Total lie. I always thought of Magnus as Nord Vandal of the Woads...