Gratuitous Next Time Trailer...

[We see Wynona, Nigel’s new car, with a ‘SOLD’ sign stuck to the windscreen.]

Nigel: [vo] Salutations, my fellow students, on this, the first day of high school!

[A group of students are gathered around an oven, which suddenly explodes outwards in a fireball. A window shatters outwards as flame belches out into the sky. An alarm goes off.]

1999-2004...

[A soot-stained Nigel boggles through the smoke.]

Tegan: [vo] He’s the coolest kid in the entire year.

[Tegan and Harry are walking to class.]

Tegan: No idea how he managed it since he’s cuntdom personified, but he is...

[Wynona smashes through a pair of double doors.]

THE AGE OF VERKOFF

Akiro: [screaming] You psychopath! You’ve brought shame upon us all!

BEGINS AND ENDS

[Andrew strides down a street, hands in his pockets, brooding.]

SIMULTANEOUSLY

[Nigel stands on stage, addressing the assembled student body.]

Nigel: The Student Representative Council will, from this day forth, be held accountable to a new body to be lead by none other than myself. I call this new organization... The Happiness Patrol!

WITH A BANG *AND* A WHIMPER

[A sign is erected next to the ‘SYDNEY SECONDARY COLLEGE CAMPUS’. This new sign has Nigel posing on it, arms folded, looking up and to the left with a notice saying ‘AS PATRONIZED BY NIGELLA J VERKOFF!!!’]

Dave: I can’t cope with this any more! It’s just idiots marching in lines and lines and I’m SICK OF IT!

Jadi: You’ve lost. For real.

[Nigel is pushed off a bank into the muddy sand at the edge of a river. Nigel’s Dad turns away and walk away. Andrew rips open an inspection hatch. Dave prepares to jump off a walkway a good 30 metres above the ground.]

Katy: There’s going to be a war. We’re going to get dragged into it. First America and then us.

[Nigel watches the September 11 crash on a TV, the plane crash reflected in his glasses.]

Katy: And people STILL won’t vote Howard out of office!

[Bernice and Nigel are entering a new house.]

Nigel: You know me, Benny, I’m the nicest of all possible flatmates and neighbours.

[He pushes some curtains apart and jumps back, startled, as he realizes that Andrew is leaning through the open window, chewing a tree stalk like some redneck yokel.]

Andrew: Oh, gooooooooooooooood!

[Jason, Betty and Simone turn around in unison as someone enters. Nigel guns the throttle in Wynona. A flood of tap water gushes out across the floor into several classrooms. Nigel, soaked head to toe, clutching a knife, runs down a side corridor and into the shadows. Dave watches Phoebe walking away. Harry drops out of an air vent and lands on a table, startling the students sitting around it. Simone decks Nigel with enough force to slam him against the wall opposite. Nigel. Jadi. Dave. Katy. Tegan. Andrew. Simone. Maurice. Phoebe. Jason. Betty. Harry. Lucy. Nigel. The severed head of a sheep.]

THE END OF HISTORY

[A student turns on a firehose which sprays towards Nigel, who grabs Jason and uses him as a human shield. Nigel takes an exam. Kenji, Akiro and Bernice walk away, leaving Nigel alone. The millennium fireworks burst overhead as Nigel watches them on. Simone takes off her shirt. Phoebe sits crying. Andrew falls down a flight of stairs. Doctor Spoon and Chamber exchange troubled looks.]

IS ALWAYS BEFORE LUNCHTIME.

[Nigel watches Bernice kissing another guy.]

NIGEL J. VERKOFF

[Andrew catches a dead pigeon thrown at him.]

ANDREW Z. BEEBLEBROX

[Dave knocks back a bottle of VB in the middle of an exam.]

DAVID M. RESTAL

[Katy ducks as Simone tries to bitch-slap her.]

WITH KATY S. JANUARY

[Nigel stares at a kitchen knife, in his hand, dripping with blood. Lucy kisses Harry. Dave is handed a picture of an ultrasound by Phoebe. Andrew shoulder-charges a door, which slams open and sends Jason reeling into an art project. Not long after, Nigel holds an art scalpel at Andrew’s throat. The crowds cheer as Nigel comes first in a race. Tegan and Katy walk into a girls toilet and Nigel slips in after them. Wynona does a burn-out. Andrew plays with a yo-yo. Simone closes a door, trapping Nigel in a room with her. Jadi kicks a locker, furious. A sky-writer scrawls NIGEL V 4EVER!!]

THE RISE
(and, more importantly, FALL)
OF
THE BIG N

Nigel: [dazed] So THAT’S what sex is like. [shakes head to clear it] HSC’ll be a piece of piss...

Cast in Order of Appearance

Steve - Tim Ferguson
Max - Jahan Redson
Bertram - Russell Tovey
Terry - Chip Jamison
Christie - the chick who played Fiona in the second series of "Round the Twist"
Cultist 1 - Frank Woodley
Cultist 2 - Colin Lane
Receptionist - Cal Wilson
Cop 1 - Jane Kennedy
Cop 2 - Mick Molloy
Togi the Butler - Hugh Laurie
Nigel's Mum - Jeffrey Coburn
Nigel's Dad - India Fisher
Nigel (Age 3-5) - Bindie Stewart-Fitzpatrick
Beriniko (Age 3-5) - Amy Acker
Kenji (Age 3-5) - Nigel Planer
Ariko (Age 3-5) - Joanna Lumbley
Kyota - Camille Coduri
Miko - Seth McFarlane
Tetsuma - Simon Pegg
Teachers - Paul Casey's Legs
Dave (Age 5) - whoever did the voice of "Babe" the Pig
Phoebe (Age 5) - Michelle Trantenburg
Theo (Age 5) - John Simm
Jadi (Age 5) - Craig Charles
Nigel (Age 10) - Vincent Kartheiser
Benny (Age 10) - Rebecca McCarthy
Kenji (Age 10) - Robbie Coltrane
Akiro (Age 10) - Miriam Margoyles as Tripitaka
Jadi (Age 10) - Jonas Armstrong
Dave (Age 10) - Sam Troughton
Phoebe (Age 10) - Jayma Mays
Jason - Bill Bailey
Police Officer - Phil Glennister
Demon Babe - Georgia Moffet
Bogan 1 - Jean Kitson
Bogan 2 - Anthony Ackroyd
Shop Girl - Claire Hooper
Optometrist - Terry Molloy
Maurice - Glyn Nicholas
Canteen Lady - Gina Riley
Danielle - Gigi Edgley
Sonya - the Lovely Aimee McDonald
Magnus - Keith Allan
Principal - David Collins
Riyoshi - Chippo Chung
Owen - Paul Darrow
Jose - Matthew Waterhouse
Gavin - Ben Bowder
Psycho - Kevin McNally
Andrew Beeblebrox - Bill Billingsley