[An alien YMCA on the planet Zog. Jack stumbles out, pulling his pants.]
Jack: Sorry, Lonzo! My facebook status says mysterious people are googling "Torchwood" and I must return to the Earth and delete every last bit of information I conveniently forgot to delete when I ran away from my last surviving friend in pathetic shame. Yes, I know it's been two years and Gwen might have finally lost the battle with her natural instinct to take a pop-up toaster into the bath with her, yes, I know I abandoned her when she was heavily-pregnant with every secret agent on the planet wanting to use her as target practice, yes, I know that Internet broadband causes unspeakable damage to my brain and makes me a completely useless arsehole any time I'm on Earth without the protection of a Time Machine, and, yes, I know it's kind of pathetic to cross the galaxy to red-flag some websites and come back again BUT I HAVE AN UNSTATED LOVE THAT ONLY GWEN COOPER, A BRAIN-DAMAGED WELSH TART, CAN...
[Alonzo sticks his head out the window.]
Alonzo: Get fuck out of here, then! Christ you angsty bastard, I don't want you round anyway! For the love of Clom, I've tried to dump you ever since you told me you got every single one of your exes killed and then murdered your grandchild! YOU THINK THAT'S A TURN-ON?! Get out of here you sick fuck! Oh, if you ever see the Doctor, tell him I hope he dies horribly for using me to get you laid!
[Alonzo slams the window.]
Jack: Hmmph. Yeah, well, fine! I didn't want to live with a Jewish werewolf anyway...
[Jack lifts his trouser leg and flags down a passing flying saucer.]
PART ONE: THE NUDE WORLD
[Oswald Danes is given a lethal injection.]
Danes: I regret nothing! Except, you know, not taking those elocution lessons...
Guard 1: Hmm. The lethal injection isn't working.
Guard 2: Oh well. Put a bullet through his brain.
Guard 1: Why would I want to do that?
Guard 2: He's a self-confessed pedophile murderer with a speech impediment who for his dying request asked for "some underage bitches to rape in front of their parents" and a bottle of olive oil.
Guard 1: You never used to be so judgemental.
Danes: Let me go free! I've done my time! It's not my fault I didn't die!
Guard 2: We really shouldn't let him go.
Danes: If you don't let me go, I'll SUE you! Coz I'm an AMERICAN!
Guard 1: Well, maybe we can compromise?
Danes: How so?
Guard 2: How about we release you AFTER we've cut your genitals off, ripped out your tongue, broken both your legs and carved the word "PEDOPHILE" into your forehead?
Danes: That sounds like hard work.
Guard 1: Good point. Let him go.
[Meanwhile, Rex Matheson is driving the wrong way down a highway in the rain. Blindfolded, smoking and talking on a mobile phone.]
Rex: Hah! My boss's wife got cancer! I get a promotion! What a magnificent bastard I am! Karma, do your worst!
[A stray javelin skewers him through the chest.]
Rex: ...did NOT see that one coming. Um, ow?
[Esther Whatshername is at her desk.]
Esther: I warned you about the stray javelins, but no one listens to me! No one listens to Esther...
Rex: [over phone] Need... ambulance... hot female surgeon...
Esther: Fine. Because I in no way fancy you. I am too busy being cute and virginal...
Rex: [over phone] ...you bet... oh god... the salty pain...
[Rex is rushed into hospital and meets Dr. Julia "Hotlips" Juvarez.]
Juarez: I am the doctor!
Rex: Hot damn! Doctor who?
Juarez: No, not Doctor Who, Doctor Who-var-rez.
[In the corner of ER, a drummer goes "ba-tum-dish!"]
Juarez: Seriously, do you HAVE to be here?
Drummer: Fuck you!
Juarez: I'll just staple-gun your chest closed, Rex. Everyone on the world is now immortal. Isn't this lovely?
Rex: Not really.
Juarez: No, actually you're right. It sucks. Rather like your chest wound.
Rex: Hey, babe, wanna suck something else?
Juarez: Not this early in the story arc.
Rex: Darn. Oh well, back to work. [into phone] Hey, Esther, anything interesting?
Esther: [over phone] Meh. You know how we were googling "Torchwood"? All the wesbites have disappeared. The consesus of the CIA is we don't give a shit.
Rex: Hmmm. I'll take the case.
Esther: What about mankind becoming immortal?
Rex: Bah, I am not a trend-setter for nothing. Get me everything you have on Torchwood.
Esther: We don't HAVE anything.
Rex: Then make something up! This is the CIA for fuck's sake!
Esther: OK. OK.
[Esther breaks into the Mutant Enemy Script Archive.]
Esther: I'll just steal some Joss Whedon scripts, change a few names and hey presto, a unique sci-fi-horror franchise everyone will take very seriously. What can possibly go wrong?
[Captain Jack drops from the ceiling and beats her up, violates her with a coke bottle and uploads the whole thing to youtube. Esther runs away.]
Jack: Wierd. After centuries living on Earth, I was SURE that was the best way to come across as trustworthy and likeable to total strangers.
[A random terrorist arrives and tries to shoot Jack.]
Terrorist: Bwahahaha! You can't stop me, I'm invincible!
Jack: So am I!
Terrorist: Are not!
Jack: Are too!
Terrorist: Are not!
Jack: Are too! Look!
[The terrorist blows himself up leaving a twitching scorched skeleton.]
Jack: Well, bugger me with a Slitheen, wasn't expecting that. [horrified] OH GOD, A HANGNAIL! I AM MORTAL! DAMN YOU, ROSE TYLER, DAMN YOU ALL THE WAY TO CARDIFF!
Esther: Why is someone trying to kill you?
Jack: Apart from all the obvious reasons? No idea. Drink this suspiciously-unmarked bottle of water.
Jack: It'll make you forget I ever existed.
Esther: So how will it explain the exploded terrorist and the bruises?
Jack: Look, if you drink it, I'll tell you the entire plot of Children of Earth.
Esther: But I'll just forget it.
Jack: It's better this way. I repeatedly try and blank out the ep where Gwen got married. Wonder how that turned out?
[Cut to a self-sufficient hovel on a distant island. Gwen and Rhys are singing The Good Life theme tune and playing with a very bored looking baby.]
Gwen: ...so then Uncle Owen slammed me against a tree and demanded to know the last time I came so hard I forgot where I was, and would have raped me there and then except for this pile of maggot-ridden corpses nearby. And then Uncle Jack decided he hadn't been enough of a prick today and used me, the non-immortal one, as a human shield. And despite all the medical problems due to gunshot wounds, I immediately bonked Owen senseless and kept lying to your daddy, Old Mastadon Buttocks himself...
Rhys: [calls] Ey! Gwen! Couple of ramblers wanting directions...
Gwen: KILL THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
[Gwen snatches up a bazooka and kills the ramblers.]
Rhys: You know, you were a lot cuter before you became a serial killer.
[The phone rings.]
Andy: Hey, it's me, PC Andy! I didn't get killed in the last series.
Gwen: And we care because...?
Andy: Your dad's had a heart attack. And since he's one of only 867 individuals to appear both in New Who, Classic Who AND Torchwood, um, it's best you see him. Even though he gets no dialogue and you'll be stuck with your mother who even Sylvia Noble calls an unhelpful closed-minded bitch.
Gwen: Oh well, let's head to the mainland and hope the secret services don't try to kill us.
Rhys: Why exactly ARE they trying to kill us again? Since we overthrew the government out to get us and no one knows we exist anyway?
Gwen: DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY, RHYS!!!
[Cut to a hospital room. Gwen's dad isn't dead.]
Gwen: ...OK, this is getting boring.
Andy: What about everyone not dying! The world's going to run out of resources!
Rhys: And why do we need resources?
Andy: Um... so we don't die?
Gwen: Yeah. This isn't worth my time, is it?
Andy: Not really no.
[At CIA headquarters.]
Esther: Meh. A picture of Gwen Cooper on the Torchwood Facebook Page.
Rex: Fuck yeah! Get me on a plane, you cunt! I'm going to Wales!
Esther: This is a monumentally dumb idea.
Rex: I'M AN AMERICAN.
Esther: Oh yeah. Forget everything I just said.
[Rex gets on a plane. Jack sits next to him.]
Jack: So... wanna join the mile-high club?
Rex: Eww, no way! You look like Tom Cruise - I could never sleep with a scientologist!
Jack: Fair enough.
[Rex gets off the plane. Jack follows him.]
[Rex crosses Wales in an SUV. Jack follows him.]
[Rex arrives at the Cooper hovel. Jack follows him.]
Rex: Stop following me!
Jack: Stop BEING where I'm GOING!
[A helicopter with a machine gun attacks the hovel. Gwen runs towards the machine gun fire with a pistol and a baby in one hand.]
Assassin: Holy fuck she is insane! RUN AWAY!
Jack: Hey, Gwen. Here's a rocket launcher I pulled out of my ass.
Gwen: Ta. [fires] DIE YOU MYSTERIOUS FUCKS!
[The helicopter blows up.]
Gwen: Why the hell are people trying to kill us? Who the hell are they? Why are people not dying anymore?
Jack: Dunno. Morphic fields?
Rex: ...what a lame idea. Nevertheless, the best on offer. You two retards may be important to the ongoing story arc so, you're coming with me.
Gwen: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT OF YOU?!
Rhys: Don't worry, that's her default reaction to anything remotely unexpected.
PART TWO: RETARDATION
[Rex, Jack, Gwen and the chick from Dollhouse get on a plane.]
Gwen: So... anything interesting happen to you?
Jack: Got a bit-part in David Tennant's finale. You?
Gwen: Killed a lot of random hikers.
Rex: You people are retards, you know that?
Chick from Dollhouse: Would you like some cyanide with your arsenic?
Jack: Sure! Why not? I'm immortal, aren't I?
Gwen: Um. No.
Jack: Oh. Fuck.
Rex: [into phone] Hey, Dr. Who-var-rez, I need to save the life of someone dumber than Peri Brown in a Nev Fountain script. Any ideas?
Dr Juarez: Kinda busy remodeling the entire health service, Rex.
Juarez: OK. Just give him two panadol and call me in the morning.
Gwen: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
[Gwen, gripped by insane rage, starts to tear the entire plane apart and forces random engine parts down Jack's throat.]
Jack: Do you know what you're doing?
Gwen: Jack. It's me. I have yet to comprehend the concept of dying my hair and wearing glasses to escape pattern recognition software.
Jack: Ooooooooooh shit.
[Meanwhile, Steven Colbert is talking to Oswald Danes.]
Colbert: So, why should we not simply bury you in a volcano, you child-murdering rapist?
Danes: Because I am very sorry and promise not to do it again.
Colbert: [sobs] I have something in my eye. I have something in my other eye. I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY HEART!
[He bursts into tears.]
All America: Awwwwwwwwwww.
[A redhead in a WPC outfit runs up to Oswald.]
Jilly: Hi, my name is NOT Amelia Jessica Pond. I did not audition for the role, nor am I bitter that freckled slut Karen Gillan stole the part that was rightfully mine. Neither am I upset I couldn't get the part of Emma in Glee. I am very well balanced.
Danes: ...it shows.
Jilly: You are so cool. Wanna be on Oprah?
Danes: Will she piss in the food?
Jilly: Well... no more than she normally does.
[Rex rings Esther.]
Rex: Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is we managed to cure Jack, the bad news is we crashed the plane coz some crazy Welsh bitch smashed up the engines. Oh, and the Chick from Dollhouse is evil.
Esther: Oh, btw, our twitter accounts say we've betrayed the entire CIA to the Chinese.
Rex: Ooh. Awkward. This makes me angry.
[Rex snaps the neck of the Chick from Dollhouse.]
Rex: I feel better. Get me a taxi, girl, and let's run for our lives!
Esther: [swoons] I definitely have not dreamed of this day ever since I met you.
Rex: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
PART THREE: DUD OF NIGHT
[The fat guy from Jurassic Park wanders around his home.]
Rex: I am going to fucking kill you for betraying us! Harry from Spooks is a way better boss!
Fat Guy: I'm sorry! I'm typecast! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
Rex: Give me one good reason.
Fat Guy: Um... there's a suspicious bigger-on-the-inside warehouse full of pain killers ready for the sudden immortality of the human race?
Rex: Aww. I can't stay mad at you!
[Rex shoots him in the arse and wanders off whistling.]
Jack: It's obvious. Somehow the mysterious and hithertoounmentioned PhiCorp has caused the miracle to happen so they can sell more drugs.
Esther: That's not obvious.
Jack: Sod this, I'm off to have sex with strange men.
Gwen: I thought you were bissexual.
Jack: I am. I sleep with straight men. Ooh, I better wear a condomn. In the 51st century herpes can turn you into a giant severed head in a tank!
Rex: Hmmm. It makes sense. Only someone immortal could survive being so fucking stupid.
Esther: Hey. Wanna have some inappropriate and unhelpful sex since we're part of Torchwood?
Rex: Guess it would be sensible. I'm off to screw Dr. Juarez.
Esther: [cuts herself] I'm getting married in the morning...
[Pull out to see RTD in the studio dub.]
RTD: [beyond anger] WHAT - IS - THIS?!? Heterosexual sex?!? In Torchwood?!?! By the holy madrojassic maxarodenfoe, A SEMI-NAKED WOMAN?!? Don't you know only NAKED MEN are allowed in this show? Especially big, fat, blobby condoms-full-of-custard! HOW DARE YOU! I WANT SOME HARDCORE GAY BUMP-AND-GRIND IMMEDIATELY?
Exec: Course, Rusty. Course. [to PA] Put it in then delete it for UK broadcasts.
PA: Won't we get accused of censorship?
Exec: Meh. All publicity is good publicity.
[Back to the show. Armies of people in hoods and masks are wandering around.]
Gwen: What could this possibly portend?
Esther: [shrugs] It's just the annual V for Vendetta convention.
[Cut to hotel room where Jack is... well.]
Fingermen: By tomorrow morning, if your arse isn't the sorriest in LA... it'll sure be the sorest!
Jack: Oooh, bring it on! [rings up Gwen] Ohhh, yeah! Hey, Gwen, how's this for phone sex? Gwen? Gwen? The bitch hung up! Guess we'll have to upload this to youtube on our own...
[The next morning, Jack waddles in very stiffly.]
Jack: Go on, Rex. Come up with homophobic abuse.
Rex: I'd rather specify the abuse onto what a total fucking idiot you are.
Jack: You love it!
Rex: No. I don't. And since you're mortal and I'm not, don't piss me off.
Jack: OH, NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND ME! I NEED TO BE WITH MY OWN KIND!
[Jack prances off and spots a door marked CHILD-KILLING SEX OFFENDERS ANONYMOUS. He peers inside. Danes is sitting around looking bored.]
Danes: Meh. It was always a vain hope.
Jack: Hey, I'm Captain Jack Harkness, I have sex with anything that isn't fast enough to escape and I am quite happy to murder, torture and abuse children as long as everyone is under the influence of drugs.
Danes: Pah. Rank amateur! If you'll excuse me, I have a TV show to make about the need for non-perscription medication. I would have thought birth control, mandatory sterilization and other such ideas might work, but I'm not the shadow triumvirate running human civilization, am I?
Jack: Hmm. That sounds important. Better remember that.
[Jack leaves the room and finds a cue of autograph hunters.]
Git 1: Aw, it's just Tom Cruise. We wanted the autograph of Oswald Danes!
Git 2: Yeah, he's so cool.
Git 3: We're Americans. We're morons.
Jack: [to camera] Times like this make me glad I'm actually Scottish.
PART FOUR: ESCAPE FROM C.O.C.A.C.O.L.A (THE SYMBOL OF THE FREE WEST!)
Gwen: Well, Esther, now you're a member of Torchwood, you need to be suicidally insane.
Esther: Um. OK. I'll visit my psychotic paranoid sister in public where absolutely everyone can see me, plus I'll ring ahead to double the chances of being caught.
[Ester visits her sister Sarah, who doesn't open the door.]
Esther: Oh, Sarah, why won't you let me in?
Sarah: [vo] YOU'RE A TOTAL MORON! YOU'RE ON THE RUN FROM THE CIA AND YOU HANG AROUND YOUR CLOSEST RELATIVES! I CAN'T LET SOMEONE AS STUPID AS YOU NEAR MY KIDS!
Esther: Hmmph. Fine. I'll call social services to take your children away. Nothing can go wrong.
Gwen: Wow. You are a natural.
[Snake Plisson watches them with his evil eyepatch. Of evil.]
Sarah Palin: Dead is dead! Everyone who has magically not died should perish! I am better than all of you! I'm a Soccer Mom of the Walking Living!
Michael Palin: Oh, the for the last time, we are NOT related!
Marco Polo: No, I'm not Michael Palin, I've just got the same initials.
Mikey Robbins: You're just taking the piss now.
[This is on TV in a grubby council estate. Rex enters.]
Rex: Hey, dad.
Rex's Dad: Piss off.
Rex: It's me. Your only son who loves you, adores you and ensures the CIA have never noticed your drug racketeering, prostitution or clown molestation school for underprivaleged wierdoes.
Rex's Dad: What part of "piss off" don't you get?
Rex: But dad, I nearly died and now Sarah Palin wants a jihad against me!
Rex's Dad: Piss-ay-off-ay.
Rex: Fine! I hate you! You're just a fictional construct anyway!! I'm going to have it off with a Thatcherite wanker! THAT'LL SHOW YOU!
[Rex storms out.]
Rex's Dad: Whatever.
[Back at Torchwood HQ which for various product placement reasons is in Subway Sandwiches bar.]
Right. Now we've all proved what unproffessional retards we all are, it's time for a completely stupid and ill-thought out scam that would be laughed out of the script editing offices of Hustle, let alone The Paradise Club.
[Meanwhile, Snake Plisson sneaks into the secret Phicorp sever room by using a fire escape. When Gwen and Jack arrives, he beats them up.]
Snake: I have you now, Jack Harkness! With you I shall guarantee a place in the New World Order, forged by the ancient powers that rule mankind beyond name, beyond memories. Yes! SILENCE WILL FALL!
[Steven Moffat enters and shoots Snake through the throat.]
Pretty much. Ah, murder. Fantastique! It's like sex with a winner.
[Moffat breaks the fourth wall entirely.]
Did I nae make it clear to you, Rusty? I am not having any of my work being perverted by you daft sassenachs ever again! [points to Jack] LOOK WHAT YOU BASTARD DID TO MY CHARACTER! He was likeable swinger till you sods got yer filthy digits and turned him into... this sub-Angel wannabe! Well, no more! Get yer own ancient conspiracy! NONE OF THIS IS CANON ANYWAY!
[Jack and Gwen begin to speak.]
I - HAVE - SPOKEN! And if any of you try to steal from my franchise, I shall kill you all AND I SHALL TAKE MY TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMEEE!
[He skips away, whistling "Boys and Girls Come Out To Play".]
Jack: Guess we better find a new story arc then.
Gwen: Oh, you think?!?
[Meanwhile, Dr. Juarez watches on.]
Juarez: So, let me get this straight. You turned abandoned hospitals into plague pits, dumped innocent people there, and then sealed them in with a convincted pedophile child murder and let him play with a defenceless little girl.
Jilly: I know! It's awesome!
Juarez: Man, today is sure turning out shit.
[Sarah Palin is taken to a car-crusher and compacted into a cube while still conscious, reduced to an eyeball in a square of metal.]
Juarez: I stand corrected.
PART FIVE: THE DEEPER CATEGORIES OF LIFF
Rhys: Gwen! I got great news!
Gwen: What is it, sweetheart?
Rhys: I got your dad sent to the Outer Splot Insitutionalized Death Camp for the Terminally Welsh.
Gwen: That's lovely, but... [blinks] the what now?
Rhys: You know? There are these deeper categories of Liff - category 3 is normal, category 2 is alive when should be dead and category 0 are people to be killed for being complete assholes.
Gwen: What's category 1?
Rhys: I dunno. Keith Richards?
Gwen: Hardcore. We better check it out.
Rex: Yeah. We should. We really should. Just, you know, not Wales.
Juarez: Yep. This place sucks. Let's go to California!
[Everyone runs out, leaving Gwen and Rhys alone.]
Gwen: OK. Let's rescue me da!
[Five minutes later, Gwen and Rhys watch as her dad is wheeled into an ambulace.]
Gwen: Selfish fucker! How insensitive to have ANOTHER heart attack in the middle of an escape attempt!
Rhys: ...hang on, where's the baby?
[On the kitchen table, Baby Anwen has a vibrator in one hand and a loaded gun in the other.]
Baby Anwen: Goo-goo. Mutha-fukka.
[The Southern California Insitutionalized Death Camp for the Terminally Texan. Juarez, Rex and Esther turn up, looking badass.]
Juarez: Right, now to find out what they're doing with all the braindead bodies in those big metal boxes with smoke coming out of the tops!
Esther: And the suspiciously-high carboon footprint!
Rex: ...yeah, thanks for that Esther.
[Juarez wanders up to a flinching, twitchy bald guy with Nazi spectacles.]
Juarez: This is a disgrace! This place is less hygenic than a student flat and all these perfectly-healthy people are being classed as officially dead because you're all such total fuckwits you can't even take a pulse! I am going to destroy each and every one of you, contact the government, make your lives a misery, I want children to come to your front door and laugh because they've found the house of "Colin Malony the DumbShit"! THIS, I SWEAR!
[Bald guy shrugs and shoots her.]
Juarez: [in pain] ...didn't see that one coming... hang on, I can't die!
Private Dexter: OYYEAHIHADDENFORTOFDAT!!!
[Juarez is thrown into a mysterious smoky metal box and reduced to ashes as Rex films it all on his mobile.]
Esther: Hahah! Now I am the sole love interest in the show! I find this good!
Rex: Damn. Not only have I lost ma woman, but I've lost the only likable character in the whole damn franchise who is even halfway competent. It can ONLY be downhill from hereon in...
[In a toilet meanwhile, Jack is reading a newspaper with "RIVER SONG IS AMY'S DAUGHTER" on the headlines.]
Jack: [to camera] I'll be back when something actually happens in the plot. Promise.
[In the next cubicles along, Danes, Jilly and RTD all nod in agreement.]
-to be continued...