Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Parody # 15: C Tooth & Law

Some crap I wrote in the last five minutes AND I HAVE WITNESSES!

C Tooth and Law

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor finds a CD of the Sex Pistols and puts them on. He casually acknowledges to Rose that his new identity is still in flux and malleable, and wants to check out if he still enjoys agonizing 1970s punk rock. Rose ponders if the Doctor might not be a bit impressionable, but the Doctor laughs off her concerns.

Five minutes later the Doctor has his hair in spikes, safety pins through his nose and insists he will from now on be called "Scumbag" as he spraypaints Gallifreyan Swastikas over the walls, all the time shouting "Oi!
Oi! Oi!"

The Doctor sets the TARDIS to land in 1979 so he and Rose can smash up the English state and provoke anarchy. Unfortunately, the TARDIS arrives in 1879 and, not realizing the woman in front of them is the real Queen Victoria and not a reactionary stereotype, start spitting on her and shouting "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FROM THE FASCIST REGIME!"

Five minutes later, the Doctor and Rose are handcuffed and being dragged along the ground behind Queen Victoria's coach. "1879, 1979, it's still a bunch of tossers lording it over the young!" the Doctor muses
philosophically. "FUCK SOCIETY!!!"

Queen Victoria decides to stop for burgers and chips at the Touchwood Estate, a subterranean laboratory built over a rift in time and space but used generally at a bed in breakfast. Curiously, all the usual staff have
been replaced with sumo wrestlers and the owner Sir Robert, has a gun pointed to his head by his butler.

Assuming they have caught Sir Robert in some kinky sex antics while his wife was out, Queen Victoria politely declines to comment and goes to have a Happy Meal.

Meanwhile, the wrestlers find the Doctor and Rose covered in mud and grass and lying behind the coach.

"What are you doing here?"


Soon, however, the Doctor and Rose are locked in cages along with the estate staff and a few Amway salesman, along with a strange hairless monk from Da Vinci Code.

The monk explains he is in fact a werewolf, but doesn't like to go on about it, and muses how when he joined the local martial arts group they made him their god and locked him in a cage every night. As every twenty-eighth night he turns into a psychotic killing machine, he can't really complain.

Rose points out that surely the werewolf is strong enough to break out of the cage, despite the Doctor's noticeable screams of "SHUT UP, ROSE! JUST SHUT UP! STOP TRICKING ALIEN KILLING MACHINES INTO ESCAPING THEIR DUNGEONS! DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST TIME??!"

Too late, the monk does just that, and promptly bites the head off a nearby sumo wrestler and dabs SMASH THE STATE in the human's blood.

"Aw, that's beautiful," the Doctor gasps.

The Doctor's enthusiasm starts to wane as the werewolf goes off camera and slaughters the sumo wrestlers in a sequence not even Ken "Wong" Russell would want to film. Deciding that discretion is the better part of having one's intestines hauled out of one's nostril, the Doctor and Rose run up some stairs. For a long time.

Along the way, the werewolf uses the other speaking parts as dental floss, leaving only the Queen Victoria.

Finally, the Doctor and Rose are left trapped in a room with a sword, a telescope and a Postideon Mark & Anti-Werewolf spray... DAMN IT! THERE'S NEVER ANYTHING USEFUL WHEN YOU NEED IT!

The werewolf bursts in and the Doctor climbs in front of the telescope and gurns in front of it. The sight of a gurning David Tennant blocking out the sun proves too much for the werewolf who vanishes in a puff of plot contrivance.

Queen Victoria stumbles in, bitten by the werewolf and sharing its deep abiding love of air guitar and mindless violence. Headbutting Rose, she creates the Touchwood Institute, an organization which will celebrate the spirit of the Sex Pistols forever more, defending Earth against the Reggae Horde... and maybe reverse engineering xenotech on slow weekends. She then banishes the Doctor and Rose forever, as they are clearly not nearly "high enough on the Syd and Nancy scale".

The Doctor sniffs sadly at the thought of being rejected by human monarchies, and warbles a heartbreaking rendition of "I Did It My Way."

He then pulls out a sawn-off shotgun and blows Queen Victoria's head off, and jumps up and down on the body shouting: "PUNK'S NOT DEAD, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY AGING FAST, TRYING TO DIE A DEATH THAT LIVES UP TO ITS PAST! BWA HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

Rose suggests that slaughtering the ruling monarch of the British Empire might have some kind of knock-on effect on history. The Doctor disagrees - it's not like there was a BUTTERFLY involved, is it?

He and Rose bounce off to the TARDIS making fun of royal families that won't exist and the Doctor shouting he bets all the other lame, ITV shows are probably sucking up to the Queen on her birthday while he will reveal the truth: she's a variable wavelength haemovarioform AND she stinks!

As the TARDIS takes off, we see it had landed on a butterfly that twitches in a pathetic "the end... or is it?" moment before dying.

According to a strange guy who sits in the corner of my local pub, The Dead Lemming, a completely different script was penned for this slot by a being known only as Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones which was thrown out of rehearsals with bursts of hyena-like laughter.

The synopsis is as follows -

2.2 - Foolish Gerald:

Determined to get the Doctor out of the house while she and Ben do the horizontal mambo, Rose orders to the Doctor to pop out and do a scavenger hunt on a space freighter in the year 6455.

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS about the good ship SS Mysteriously Quiet and discovers that the entire crew have mysteriously dropped down dead. After running through various unlikely possibilities including improvisational comedy and salmon mousse, the Doctor decides that a deadly virus is to blame.

After a hysterical bout of hypochondria, the Doctor tries to flee back to the TARDIS as a marauding band of space pirates lead by the ill-considering Foolish Gerald arrives and knocks him out.

Back in the privacy of the TARDIS, Rose caresses Ben's smooth body as he explores hers.

Foolish Gerald foolishly reveals his plans to the Doctor, who has foolishly been left untied. Gerald released a lethal strain of herpes on the starship crew, which in a surprisingly sensible moment, made sure it was self-eliminating. Gerald is here with his band of pirates to steal the cargo of Space Nachos and sell them at profit, and also claim the insurance on the missing spaceship.

The Doctor points out that this leaves the damning evidence of the ship's black box, the Captain's Log and the message 'Argh! Treachery!' scrawled in blood on the fridge door to incriminate them. Gerald foolishly ignores this and prepares to leave.

However, Gerald's army of space invaders has vanished, leaving a strange curried egg smell where they stood. Gerald is put out, because he'll have to steal the cargo by himself now. Luckily, the crates are empty and Gerald is foolishly able to transfer them to their ship.

The Doctor meanwhile is not sure whether to be more alarmed by the strange force turning people into power or Gerald's foolishness.

Suddenly, a strange gaseous being called a Zelan arrives and, after making it clear and legally binding that it is not a Gelth, it explains that there was never any cargo aboard the ship at all. The freight company, Zelan Inc., stole it and replaced it with a canister of botox to send to another planet. Botox is a rare substance that allows Zelans to become corporeal.

The Doctor asks why the Zelans are doing such a strange thing instead of just heading to Earth in force and becoming corporeal there. The Zelans point out that this is their convoluted plot and the inexplicable murders around the ship are morally justified – even though neither the Zelans, Gerald or the Doctor can understand who, how or why Gerald's crew were wiped out.

The Doctor ruminates on the moral dilemma of whether to let the Zelans continue their horrible conquest of the known universe or get constant hate-mail for condemning them to permanent and embarrassing gaseousness.

He decides to leave this up to Gerald and Gerald foolishly agrees. With the memorable leaving phrase of 'We are not righteous avengers, we are not determined vigilantes and we are not stupid enough to hang around here!', the Doctor dives into the TARDIS.

He then immediately gets kicked out by Rose and Ben who have yet to finish their, er, 'oral soul searching'.

The End.

"Continuity" by SkyHooks

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain

Touch Wood to get ya in
Get right under your skin
With Captain Jack? Remember him?
Oh yeah!

It tries to be a thriller
It fails to be a chiller
The dialogue's a killer
Oh yeah!

The plots are a-crashin
The CGIs are a-smashin
Morality takes a-bashin
Oh yeah!

The cast are a-shagging
The writers are a-bragging
The fans are a-gagging
Oh yeah!

You think it's just a spin-off
And written by people
More talented than you and me

Maybe you don't care
If the show gets a season
Why does it exist?
This story's the reason!

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
Right there, it ain't PC
Shockin' me right outa my brain

The public's don't miss
Plot, content and this
Show is taking the piss
Oh Yeah!

They do a lotta swearing
It gets really wearing
Kids and adult aren't caring
Oh yeah!

More continuity
Right there on my TV
Right there on my CV
I ain't talking shit
People think Touch Wood
Is a successful hit!
People think Touch Wood

Is a successful hit!

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