Monday, March 12, 2007

How To Write Your Own Sparacus Story

Bernie Fishnotes has discovered the guide Spara has used since The Shadows of Christmas (unfinished) to write every BC story, and it is reproduced here! Just pick one option from each section and it is done!

1) Fear
2) Terror
3) Smootheness
4) Harvest
5) Horror
6) Trials


1) The Stange (Yes, It's meant to be Stange, it wasn't a typo!)
2) Death
3) Fire
4) Smootheness
5) The Smoothe
6) Doom
7) Darkness
8) The Pagans

Ben Chatham was...
1) having a shower while listening to Philip Glass
2) drinking absinthe while listening to David Bowie
3) wearing his expensive dressing gown, exclusive to Harrods,
4) drinking Twinings Earl Grey tea while listening to Bob Dylan
5) cooking a lentil bake while listening to Bowie
6) just waking up after a particularly heavy drinking session
7) finishing his eighth bottle of Chardonay

...when the phone rang. It was...
1) Captain Jack of Torchwood
2) The Doctor
3) Harriet Jones
5) Operation Delta
6) Quentin, an old college friend of Bens who he once had a sexual relationship with

...who tells Ben about...
1) strange happenings at an archaeological dig.
2) UFO activity near a stone circle.
3) strange murders near a monastery.
4) a suspicious electronic factory.
5) unusually intelligent chavs.

Wasting no time, Ben...
1) goes to bed so he'll be refreshed for the next day,
2) has a glass of wine,
3) listens to Philip Glass,
4) cries as he thinks about how none of his relationships last,
5) brushes his golden locks from in front of his deep, blue eyes,
6) drinks an entire bottle of absinthe,

...and eventually sets off to investigate. On route he meets...
1) Katie Ryan
2) The Doctor and Martha,
3) an old friend of his he once had a sexual relationship with (played by Joe Absolom),
4) hunky Julian, the servant of Ben's uncle Amos Heron, the eccentric hot air balloonist

...and together they...
1) get drunk.
2) have sex.

Eventually, they arrive at the scene of the crime, where Ben finds that...
1) reptilian aliens
2) a mad industrialist played by the actor who played Terry in 'Eastenders'
3) Van Statten's brother
4) The Master
5) an alien called Gackron
6) the Garm
7) Ben's ex-boyfriend Charles
8) the monks from a nearby Trappist monastery

...plans to...
1) convert the human race into animal-human hybrids.
2) go back in time and prevent the invention of Spam.
3) take over the government, and make everybody a slave.
4) blow up the earth, for some reason.
5) use the internet to take over the minds of chavs across the world.

1) takes his shirt off, revealing his smoothe chest
2) is concerned.
3) cries, as he is very sensitive.
4) has a drink of absinthe from his hip-flask.

Ben leaps into action, and promptly...
1) phones UNIT, who turn up and save the day.
2) phones Torchwood, who turn up and save the day.
3) remembers that he has a K9, which turns up and saves the day.
4) accidentally drops his poncy perfume from Lacroix, which releases chemicals that kill the villains and saves the day.
5) does nothing, and by pure coincidence, something happens that saves the day.
6) phones Harriet Jones, who sends the army in, saving the day.
7) complains about the colour of the wallpaper, which reminds his companion that the villains are killed by the colour orange. They throw an orange jelly baby at them, killing them and saving the day
8) starts to play the ocarina, the high notes causing the electronics to explode, saving the day.
9) does nothing. Luckily, due to writing these things over several weeks sparacus has forgotten the plot point about the main villain, and that problem is no longer an issue. The world is safe!

With the world finally safe, everybody gathers around Ben, and sings "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Ben grins sheepishly, and...
1) sleeps with Katie agina, then throws her out into the street, telling her it meant nothing.
2) sleeps with a young hunk he's met, played by the lad from 'Robin Hood'.
3) sleeps with Adam from 'Dalek'
4) has a shower.
5) sleeps with Captain Jack.
6) sleeps with both members of Operation Delta
7) makes everybody some lentil soup
8) takes his expensive Harrods towel to be dry-cleaned
9) sleeps with every male member of the cast.

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