Here is the guide I have used to review every BC story. Just match the numbers to the ones you used in the story and hay presto, instant banning from Outpost Gallifrey!
1) Fear? Of what? Decent writing?
2) The only terror is you thinking this is worth reading.
3) Smooth is not spelt with an e and neither is Smoothness
4) What Harvest?
5) No horror in this story
6) What trials? Having to get drunk, shag blokes and steal credit?
1) That doesn't make any sense, you moron!
2) Yeah, death is VERY strange. You been on the booze?
3) What fire? There's no fire in this story at all!
4) For fuck's sake, Spara, get a life!
5) YOU DO NOT SPELL SMOOTH WITH AN E, YOU RETARDED SNOBBY BASTARD!
6) This is going to suck, isn't it?
7) Oh, Christ, not a sequel to a previous story.
8) You intolerant little shit! How dare you! How fucking dare you?! At least pagans are doing something with their lives instead of getting wasting and stalking Corrie actors, you sad hack!
Ben Chatham was...
1) Oh, why do you tell us these things! WE DON'T CARE! NO ONE CARES!
2) God, how can Ben's liver survive, the drunken fuckwit?!
3) NO ONE CARES, YOU RETARDED FISH PERSON!
4) I notice his boyfriend from last week has been completely forgotten. Lucky them.
5) God, why do waste all the detail on what music he likes instead of how he is involved in the plot?!
6) Tch. Pisshead.
7) Why do you think this drunken loser appeals to... anyone? WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!
...when the phone rang. It was...
1) This is nonesense! If Jack knew about Ben and his connection to the Doctor, why would Jack keep the severed hand of the Doctor instead of just borrowing Ben's mobile? Why would Jack be interested in Ben, the useless prat that Torchwood would normally feed to the weevils! Hell, Torchwood 3 is only concerned with Cardiff, so they wouldn't call him anyway. What could an amateur moron like him do anyway?!
2) The Doctor has better things to do than contact Ben. Like breathing.
3) No, I think you'll find she'd been ousted by one Mr. Saxon. Pay attention, you hack!
4) UNIT?! You're taking the piss! You must be! Damn it, what makes you think we want to read this shit!
5) Oh, the two biggest losers outside Ben Chatham need an excuse to lust after him. Pathetic.
6) Is there ANY male college student Ben didn't sleep with? And do any of them survive meeting Ben afterwards?!
...who tells Ben about...
1) More predictable bull shit.
2) More predictable bull shit.
3) More predictable bull shit.
4) More predictable bull shit.
5) You snobby little parasite! You fucking bastard, I hope you choke on your own absinthe, you shit!
Wasting no time, Ben...
1) FOR FUCK'S SAKE, BEN, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING!
2) STOP DRINKING, YOU PISS HEAD, AND DO SOMETHING!
3) You do not understand the concept of "wasting no time" do you?
4) Yes, you are a piece of shit no one likes. Kill yourself. Do it for Rose, for Katie, for MEEE!!
5) Hello, this is wasting what little synopsis there is! DO SOMETHING!
6) Seriously, he should be dead by now.
...and eventually sets off to investigate. On route he meets...
1) Damn it, either get a restraining order for her or make her your love slave! This is shit! Have you never heard of feminism?
2) For crying out loud, this is totally unrealistic. SHUT UP, SPARTHA, YOU SLAG!
3) These are all interchangeable, I note.
4) THAT'S IT! JUST FUCK OFF SPARA! YOU WASTE BANDWIDTH AND ELECTRICITY ON THIS DUNG!
...and together they...
1) Quelle surprise.
2) Hello! Big emergency happening?!?
Eventually, they arrive at the scene of the crime, where Ben finds that...
1) ALL aliens are reptilian with cat like eyes. What is wrong with you?
2) God, another stock villain. Are they cloned in Torchwood labs?
3) You are insane! BOWEL-SHATTERINGLY INSANE!!!
4) You killed him off-screen, remember?
5) Gackron? GACKRON!
6) the Garm is a friendly extradimensional dog, it would not start a plan to slaughter humanity!
7) Oh, remembed him, have you?
8) Why do you hate monks, industrialists, women, cats, aliens and chavs? Is there anyone outside of Adam Rickitt you DO like?!?
1) Not again!
2) Why?! At least there was a decent explanation the last time PROPER, CANONICAL, CHATHAM-FREE Who did it! You're just stealing ideas without understanding them!
3) Oh, give me strength.
4) YOU TALENTLESS, ALCO-RIDDEN TWAT!
5) FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF! PULL THAT ADAM RICKETT ACTION FIGURE OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GET OFF THIS FORUM! I MEAN IT!
1) WHY? AND IT'S WITHOUT AN "E" YOU USELESS SHITE!
3) Oh, you wuss! You don't deserve to live! Can't you think of anything to do with the character, Sparacus? Are you too drunk and horny to even work out a plot?!
4) STOP GETTING DRUNK, YOU FUCKING PISS HEAD!
Ben leaps into action, and promptly...
1) You are taking the piss. Why weren't they there already?!
2) Torchwood wouldn't care! They're too busy nobbing each other for that!
3) Honestly, only you could introduce an all-purpose dues ex machina and forget about him!
4) ... I will kill you for this...
5) DAMN IT!
6) Oh, the crypto-facist calls in the military! How uplifting and satisfying!
7) .............................................................................. I am going to fucking kill you
8) Get real. Get real! GET REAL!
9) What about the evil master plan that couldn't be stopped? You forgot about it! You useless HACK!
With the world finally safe, everybody gathers around Ben, and sings "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Ben grins sheepishly, and...
1) YOU LOSER, CHATHAM!
2) Oh, I bet he gets herpes!
3) He's from 2012, you moron! He shouldn't be in this story at all!
4) What? While everyone's watching? Filthy exhibitionist!
5) Even Jack has standards.
6) Eww. That's not a satisfying conclusion by any definition.
7) What a shit ending.
8) NO ONE FUCKING CARES!
9) You sad little pervert, get both hands out of your pants!
You write anything else this crap and... I give up! I'm never reading anything else you ever write! I tried to help, and you just spit absinthe at me! I hope your testicles explode, you freaking lepper!