Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Critical Analysis of... The Third Doctor

Spearhead from Space
Holy shit! It's in colour! Pertwee rocks - even though he's a pale rip off James Bond and he and the Brig aren't half as funny as Kirk and Spock! Liz Shaw is awesome, which is why I shall never mention her again! Can you believe those wank-stains prefer Tom Baker? It sickens me, it really does.

Doctor Who and the Silurians
BEST! STORY! EVER! It's like, all mature and complicated and shit! It's got a moral dilemma! AWESOME! This is why Voyager ripped it off again and again and again and again and again...

The Ambassadors of Death
It's a bit like a Bond Film. Or Space: 1999, which is Made of Awesome.

Inferno
Another story so amazing, I'll just repeat the summary with more superlatives! Oh, Star Trek WISHES it could be this good! It's totally environmental! Doctor Who should be like this in every episode with no exceptions!

Terror of the Autons
Oh god. This is like Child's Play except not scary. The Master joins - though even *I* know he was the War Chief! Jo joins, setting back women's liberation seven centuries! Someone else joins but I completely forget who, as they're obviously not important. This story doesn't treat Time Lords as all powerful gods, so if Rob Holmes was still alive, I'd hunt him down for such a crime. I hate this story and everything it stands for.

The Mind of Evil
Wow, it's like Nightmare on Elm Street... if that was about corporal punishment. And, you know, actually the Master is complete shit as a character. Makes you wonder why I bigged him up on the previous page, dunnit?

The Claws of Axos
Aliens, Predator and Independence Day ALL of them TO A MAN rip off this story because of organic technology. And it's got a time loop in it. I hate this as well.

Colony in Space
This isn't set on Earth.

The Daemons
BEST! QUATERMASS RIP OFF! EVER!!

Day of the Daleks
It's like The Terminator or Planet of the Apes. Only with Daleks! I got nothing else.

The Curse of Peladon
Wow! Epic! Ice Warriors! The Doctor's a racist, Jo's a slut and Star Trek couldn't even rip this off properly! And the lullaby is actually a Christmas Carol! MY BRAIN BLEEDS AT THE GENIUS OF IT ALL!

The Sea Devils
"The second piece of the so-called Silurian-Sea Devil Trilogy!" The Navy are in it and the Doctor is heartbroken for at least three seconds when the Sea Devils explode. Next!

The Mutants
The Pertwee era was all about morality tales, weren't it?

The Time Monster
There isn't a single idea in this that wasn't done somewhere else better. Here's a photo of Jon Pertwee as a vampire trying to bite Ingrid Pitt's tits. Next!

The Three Doctors
This story is funny. I have done no research.

Carnival of Monsters
Brilliant! Thank God Holmes is ripping off The Twilight Zone like he should rather than his own crappy ideas! Here's a cast list.

Frontier in Space
Babylon Five, Deep Space Nine, SeaQuest DSV, Battlestar Galactica and Buck Rodgers all rip this story off. Space: 1999 is much better. Thank God, no more Master stories!

Planet of the Daleks
This story is crap, but it wouldn't be crap if all the other stories were good. I'll talk about Nightmare on Elm Street again, shall I?

The Green Death
YEAH! Nature fights back! FIGHT THE MACHINE! Jo leaves, but I hate her cause she degrades women and gives kittens cancer! But enough of The Green Death, lets talk about that time she got naked with a Dalek and shoved the plunger right up her----

The Time Warrior
This story is actually by Mark Twain, only with a Sontaran and not with King Arthur. Can you believe Sontarans are more popular than Ice Warriors? I think Robin Hood was a Time Lord. Sarah Jane Smith joins, so I'll waffle about her now and not mention her again - but she gets a photo, unlike every previous companion... NEXT!

Invasion of the Dinosaurs
"This was no Jurassic Park!" Mike Yates is EVIL! Star Trek would NEVER be brave enough to do that! Gutless Roddenbury (sic)!! It's not on video, but it's the last Malcolm Hulke story so it can't be THAT bad!

Death to the Daleks
It SEEMS like an improvement, but I'm just not sure. The Doctor beats the Daleks like every other time. How boring. Apart from the bits that rip off Indiana Jones. Galloway is so awesome, he's almost as cool as Jarvik from Blake's 7!

The Monster of Peladon
This is a sequel. I refuse to believe evil Ice Warriors exist.

Planet of Spiders
Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx is based on this story. Well, it's got a hovercraft in it. 26 years of Doctor Who and it's never as good as this story, which featuring a mofo-ing STORY ARC!! Pertwee is way better than Tom Baker. In fact, everyone should destroy every episode after this. He didn't treat the role with DIGNITY! DIGNITY I SAY!

*trips over a brick in an un-dashing way*

Next: seven years of crap and then it gets EVEN WORSE!

7 comments:

matt311 said...

Wow... and these are his condensed thoughts? :-O

Youth of Australia said...

They are. Slightly cruder for humorous effect, but every point is in the original "analyses" in the book. Every pop culture reference is 100% copied from the book itself. Anything in italics is a verbatim quote and if I mention "no research", it's because there are countless very obvious mistakes (such as "there is footage of The Macra Terror in The Three Doctors" or "the Dominators fight the Dulikans").

Compared to the Blake's 7 guide, it's shockingly straightforward and coherent.

matt311 said...

Hmmmm... do you have a Facebook page, by any chance?

Youth of Australia said...

I do, but I can't really use FaceBook as any decent kind of communications service. It's so slow, it's easier for me to email people I want to talk to (who all know how little I care for movie quizzes or proving who is the bigger nerd).

matt311 said...

Well, it'd be fun to know such a big Who fan from Australia... ;-)

Youth of Australia said...

Well, you could always email me on

ewen32@iprimus.com.au

and bask in my ego-crushing anxieties.

matt311 said...

I'll do that... ;-)


...and, if you do receive one from me, my e-mail address is matt311@cox.net.