Time and the Rani
WEAK! Low-brow, empty, implausible, ridiculous, startling in its sheer banality! Trial of a Time Lord was way better! WHERE IS THE MORPHING?? THE FLASHBACKS?! And Mel! I know I haven't mention her before, and that's because I hate her and now SHE'S IN STEREO! She's almost as brain dead as the Rani, except the Rani's a perky, smiling bitch and Mel isn't! The Lakertyans are out of Flash Gordon and the Tetraps are from DISNEYLAND!!! McCoy is the most popular Doctor, because fans are idiots with no concepts of worth!
It's so great, I'll just recite the plot with more exclaimation marks!!!! Oh, the subtext, the social relevence, gangland violence... it is one of only three 1980s stories that don't deserve to be immediately burnt (the others being Mawdryn Undead and Vengeance on Varos!)! Richard Briers is an arse.
Delta and the Bannermen
....IT'S DOUGLAS ADAMS ALL OVER AGAIN!!! This is NOT canonical!GAAAAAAAAAAH!
The plot is crap, it rips off Aliens, the villain's out of a cartoon, there's a completely pointless Goldilocks wandering around who has no thematic reason to be there... but it ditches Mel and brings in Ace. It is freaking AWESOME!
Remembrance of the Daleks
Best Dalek story since Genesis, though I honestly can't tell if the first Dalek story had William Hartnell or Peter Cushing. How the fuck can Skaro be blown up in 1963? THAT! DOES NOT! MAKE! SENSE! What if Thals were there? WOW! The Doctor isn't just one hell of a procrastinator, he's a cosmic MURDERER! How the hell does this synch up with continuity? Especially as there are incredible moments calling attentions to the vicissitudes of time travel, like ACE READING A BOOK! Oh, the Doctor is pure NA evil and I for one will stop watching!
The Happiness Patrol
This isn't canon.
A muddled and confused rip off that doesn't match UNIT dating! This isn't canon either.
The Greatest Show in the Galaxy
I like the novelization, and even though it's a rip off of Killer Klowns from Outer Space. This IS canon.
KING ARTHUR! CAMELOT! This is the most ORIGINAL STORY EVER!!! But why bring the Brigadier back and NOT Liz, Jo, Yates and Benton? IS THAT SANE, I ASK THEE?! It ruins everything! But Bessie's in it! It's not great Doctor Who, but the only great Doctor Who is in Space: 1999!
WEAKEST! STORY! EVER! Unintelligable rubbish! Why do husks WEAR TUXEDOS?! Why isn't Control a Neanderthal?! Why is Josiah trying the lamest plan since "stop Magna Carta"? No, I didn't watch it properly the first time, but I don't have to! This is a conspiracy to boost VHS sales by making the story so FUCKING COMPLICATED! My brain BLEEDS simply typing out the face it rips off an Outer Limits episode! "This is the nadir of 26 years of dull unoriginality!"
The Curse of Fenric
Just as bad. Next!
Oooh, Planet of the Apes only with leopards! I'M SO IMPRESSED - NOT! Doctor Who finally does the Arena episode! And it's SHIT!
The Enemy Within
Wow, picks right up where Survival ended, with the Doctor getting the Master's ashes from the Cheetah planet! THAT is what I call continuity! But it's TOO DAMN OFFICIAL! It should be a one-off, not something that is actually important! CHRIST, THIS STUFF THINGS UP MORE THAN DOCTOR WHO JUST BEING CANCELLED IN 89! If they ever bring back Doctor Who... yeah, heh, right... they'll have to ignore this film entirely and never mention Paul McGann! Still, the whole thing is too dark, what with the Doctor and Hollowell or whoever getting it on, and Who fans are worse than Trekkies. I'm glad this movie ruined their lives. But is it canon? A clue: no.
I am utterly confident nothing will ever bring Doctor Who back bar some shitty fan films by Nicholas Briggs. And why the hell should it? It's not as good as Star Trek. It deserves to be forgotten.
And it will.