Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Critical Analysis of... The Leftovers

DOCTOR WHO


Introduction
Hah! Doctor Who is four years older than Star Trek! IN YOUR FACE, YA TREKKIE LOSERS! It's a fictional freaking Camelot that started the day JKF got his head blown off - BEAT THAT! Can you believe Americans prefer 3rd Rock from the Sun or Roseanne? PINHEADS! Course it's not as good as Space: 1999. At all. In any way. Cheap ass British crap couldn't hold a candle to Space: 1999. What is there left to say?


Parturition
Jeez, sci-fi was crap in the 50s.


Evolution
Sydney Newman create 726 shows. Including Doctor Who. Which might be relevent. I just don't know.


Hartnell's Halcyon Days
They killed JFK, dude. It's a freaking conspiracy. I hate Vicki. Dodo was in The Myth-Makers. They cast some young guy as the new Doctor - well, I was flabbergasted!


Troughton's Time in the TARDIS
Good grief, recasting the lead actually worked. Didn't see that one coming. Troughton was in Space: 1999, that must have been why. Did I mention how much I despise McCoy? Season 6, my friends, after that it all goes downhill!


Pertwee's Period of Physical Prowess
Christ I hate Jo.


Seven Years with Tomb Baker, America's Favorite Doctor!
Americans are morons. Tom Baker was Rasputin in real life, you know. How else did he fool people into thinking he was any good? Mind you, the early wasn't too bad. It was almost as good as Star Trek. Hah, you thought I was gonna mention Space: 1999 again, weren't you? Well, wrong, buddy! Tom Baker TWICE mentioned he hated Space: 1999. Luckily, I am a professional and that will not colour or bias my perception of this clueless and demented old hack who wouldn't know proper TV if it raped his cattle and stole his wife. Which season is about the Key to Time? I forget. And Douglas Adams. Douglas fucking Adams I ask you. And Lalla Ward, may her bones rot, no wonder Shada was never finished with that much crap in the studio! And what words can describe Peter Davison? "Intolerably handsome" spring instantly to mind.


Davison's Day as Doctor
Pfft, whatever. The Turlough Experiment was shithouse.


Colin Baker's Bad Breaks with the BBC
COLIN IS DA MAN!!! Every story he was in - EVERY STORY - is so good you are unworthy to lick its boots!! Ok, even I admit it was an "ugly era of sadness"... but it would get worse!


McCoy's Moment of Magic
They shoulda chosen Michael Keating instead.


Cancellation
The books aren't canon.


The 30th Anniversary
What the fuck just happened there?!?


McGann's Movie Is Made In America
McGann is actually the Tenth Doctor. Or something.


Lineage: Doctor Who's Parents
The Time Machine. Duh. Oh, and maybe Quatermass.


Doctor Who's Children
Voyagers!, Quantum Leap, Battlestar Galactica and, of course, the Borg. And Alien. And The Fifth Element. And, maybe, just maybe, Bill and Ted's Excelent Adventure. But maybe not.


The Elastic Format
Continuity makes no sense.


Morality and Meaning in the Doctor Who Universe
The British are evil and Americans are cool. The Daleks are all about the British being assholes. Nazis? Yeah, right, where do they ever get compared to Nazis?!


Playing Doctor: Strictly Forbidden!
God damnit Peri makes me horny.


Cinematography and Special Effects
Cheap shit! Here's some of my most amazing bloopers I am confident no one else has ever mentioned.


Critical Reception
35 years and no one has ever reviewed Doctor Who. Anywhere. Not like Space: 1999, huh?


Films
These aren't canon.


Doctor Who and the Daleks:
Better than the original, which I still haven't seen. Or maybe it was just so boring I forgot all about it. Cushing's crap and you know that bit in Terminus where they call the circle things "roundels"? Never happened. It's all fan fiction.


Daleks - Invasion Earth 2050 AD
Better than the original, not as good as the last film. In fact it's tedious. 80 minuts is too fucking long.


The Films That Never Were
Yeah, read The Nth Doctor. Why should I do all the work, huh?


K9 And Company
...I got nothing.


Radio Adaptations
Hey, it worked for Star Wars. The Pescatons? Never heard of it.


Stage Adaptations
How embarrassing. The Curse of the Daleks isn't historically accurate, Seven Keys of the Doomsday isn't canon, Recall UNIT is... written by Richard Franklin and The Ultimate Adventure isn't.


Videos
Avoid anything that doesn't have Colin Baker in it.


Who is The Stranger?
How the fuck should I know?!


Book Adaptations
Not as good as the Space: 1999 ones. They're not canon. Or The New Adventures. But The Missing Adventures are pretty cool. As long as they have the Sixth Doctor in them. And as for non-fiction... they're trash. Only this book is worth any time.


RPGS
Whatever.


Comics
Never as good as the Space: 1999 ones.


Internet Sites
There are perverts in this world who like Melanie Bush. Everyone else prefers Star Trek.


Fan Clubs
Sad wankers, the lot of them. You wouldn't find fans of Space: 1999 being so pathetic.


Time is Relative
It's never coming back. Never never never. Ever. Never. No.

3 comments:

matt311 said...

Did you put the Doctor bits in alliteration, or was that Muir's idea?

Youth of Australia said...

All his.

It's shameful, really.

matt311 said...

Yeesh; I agree with you, there...