Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Critical Analysis of... The Fourth Doctor

It's a Pertwee story, only crap! Why doesn't the Doctor cry when the robot's dead? Has the insensitive prick never SEEN King Kong? Where are the thematic and philosophical elements in this story?! The only good thing is the kinky bitch villain, who I shall call Lady McBeth because I can't think of any other female villains. Harry Sullivan is a retard and this spits on the grave of the UNIT era!

The Ark in Space
It's just like Alien! Or Aliens! Or It, The Terror from Beyond Space! But not Space: 1999! And you know the good thing about Space: 1999? It didn't hang around for 26 crappy years, that's what! So there were no continuity problems AT ALL! Unlike this piece of fecal matter, that totally contradicts The Ark, not that I've watched that one, but they sound similar enough. OH GOD, WHAT STUPIDITY! This is cheap-looking shit! Oh, Doctor Who should have ended in the 60s! WHERE HAS THE STYLE GONE?!

The Sontaran Experiment
I'm more interested in Tom Baker breaking his collarbone than this rubbish. Oh, look, the Doctor's going to resolve problems by kicking nine colours of shit out of his enemy rather than using his wit on the insane sadistic psychopath! You ever see that in Star Trek? ...actually, don't answer that. The title is rubbish, the plot nothing! The camerawork is kinda cool and I wish I had the robot as a pet.

Genesis of the Dalek (sic)
"Yet another Dalek story." Would you kill Hitler as a baby? I sure would, unlike the gutless Picard! Davros is just like Darth Vader, and the Daleks are all really evil R2D2s! It's all so adult and brilliant! TOM BAKER RULES SUPREME!

Revenge of the Cybermen
The story is so shit you could say it was from ST:TNG! Gold?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? And the continuity - WHY DOES NO ONE THINK OF THE CONTINUITY?!?!

Terror of the Zygons
This story rips off every other Who story and even the modelwork sucks. The Brigadier leaves in this story, not that anyone will care.

Planet of Evil
It's just like Alien! No, no, even better, it's just like that Space: 1999 about the anti-matter! Prentis Hancock was in Space: 1999! I know I mentioned it the last three times he was in the show, but COME ON! Space: 1999 is da MAN!! The sets are cool, too.

Pyramids of Mars
Rip off of Tomb of the Cybermen. Why the fuck do robot mummies need bandages? IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED! I think. But why would they do that?! It doesn't MAKE SENSE! Why is a spaceship shaped like a pyramid? I mean, what shit are they trying to peddle here? That ALIENS had something to do with the EGYPTIANS? Get real! This isn't HALF as logical as Tomb of the Cybermen WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME!!!! Oh, it's crap like this that lead to Stargate (spit!) This is supposed to be GOTHIC?! Now, Curse of Peladon, THAT was Gothic! Sarah wears a Victorian gown! Are you fuckers saying all Victoria's episodes were "GOTHIC" as well?! I refuse to talk about this any more, so here are some quotes from people who actually watched the damn thing...

The Android Invasion
Terry Nation! Awesome! It's a bit like a Space: 1999 episode! Even MORE awesome! Tom Baker acts like a personality-free zombie! JOYGASM! The Kraals are morons, and I don't remember what the village is called, but it's like that classic Space: 1999. This is perfect Doctor Who.

The Brain of Mobius
Boring as shit Frankenstein copy. Philip Madoc can't act. Next!

The Seeds of Doom
Wooohoo! Excitement! Adventure! It's just like Space: 1999 only not as good!

The Masque of Mandragora
Filmed where they did The Prisoner, I hate Ace, blah-blah-blah. And the recorder in the TARDIS! This proves everyone involved hated Tom Baker and really wanted Troughton back, believing the show was worthless without him!

The Hand of Fear
IT'S ABOUT A LIVING HAND!! It turns into the chick from Species! FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!!

The Deadly Assassin
Pah! The Time Lords aren't as cool as the Vulcans! The only reason those Yanks like this crap is coz the Doctor beats the crap out of people. I hate everything.

The Face of Evil
It's just like Zardoz! Except without Sean Connery in a wedding dress and the giant stone head of Tom Baker doesn't fly around the place offering guns to men to work off sexual frustration. Leela's way better than Ace and should have stayed for the next 20 years instead of being given up on - MORE VIOLENCE! I like violence now. I didn't before, but I do now. Chris Boucher wrote this, and he wrote every episode of Blake's 7 I hate.

The Robots of Death
TENTH! BEST! STORY! EVER! Aliens, Species, totall Recall, Predator and Leviathan just aren't as good as this, a story they have been legally proved to rip off! Oh, Taryn Kapel, you fricken rock! I salute thee oh mad scientist!

The Talons of Weng Chiang
Tom Baker looks cooler when dressed like Sherlock Holmes. Hinchliffe (sic) quits in this story, because he knew he couldn't keep ripping off Star Trek to make Doctor Who as popular and violent and stupid as it.

Horror of Fang Rock
It's like The Fog, only with a Predator who looks like Odo! And Leela has such beautiful, beautiful, beautiful blue eyes! GOD SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!

The Invisible Enemy
Brilliant! It's got clones and stuff! It rips off Fantastic Voyage, but in a good way! K9 is freaking awesome! Here is a drawing of him!

Image of the Fendahl
WORST! QUATERMASS RIP-OFF! EVER! Star Trek does it better! Where's K9? And why can't I comprehend the idea of serial codes?! Time Loops interest me.

The Sun Makers
This is funny. This is not good, as Doctor Who instantly loses credibility! STOP BEING FUNNY! The Ferengi so rip off the Usurians! And Vila's in it. Is there anything else to say? Not really.

Space: 1999 did it much better.

The Invasion of Time
"This has to rank as the dumbest plot in Doctor Who." There are BRICKS and IRON in the TARDIS! GET OFF MY FUCKING ISLAND! This is a shitty end to an era that wasn't quite as shitty as the way it ended. What that era was, I just don't know. Maybe I mean "season"?

The Ribos Operation
A quest. Whoop-de-freaking doo. Romana's just Sarah Jane Smith all over again - and she only gets worse when that total gutless slag Lalla Ward takes over. And Godlike aliens? They just got stale thirty years after this was made! Why couldn't it be like Space: 1999? Now THERE was a show that knew how to tackle Godlike aliens. This is an empty fart of comedy... but it's better than Douglas (spit) Adams!

The Pirate Planet

The Stones of Blood
Oh, thank god, things are finally back to normal. This is all about British justice, and a decrepit, useless old hag for a companion. But at least there's no humor in it.

The Androids of Tara
It's just like The Princess Bride. There are no Daleks in it though. And that's good. They would totally have been a bad idea. The producer was insane for even considering it. If he did. We just don't know. Next!

The Power of Kroll
This is A SERIOUS story! Not like the last four pieces of irrelevent crap! This is dark, adult, gritty, mature, socially-relevent... even though it IS taking the piss out of King Kong like there's no tomorrow. Racism, Native Americans, religions and stuff. But the Doctor killed Kroll! That's so MEAN! No, I didn't see any bit where the Doctor notes Kroll exploded into a million tiny squid who are now living happily ever after. Why do you ask?

The Armageddon Factor
What the fuck?! What does this have to do with anything? Drax? DRAX?! Am I the only one who finds it just a little bit suspcious he's hanging around the place? If someone clever wrote this, it would turn out he was an evil agent of the Black Guardian! But did they do that? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And how can the Key to Time work with only five parts? They didn't even TRY to explain it! And getting the skull-face guy from Scream to be the villain... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT? I mean, REALLY! I'm just glad I didn't waste any time watching it and saw the brilliant Space: 1999 episode The Last Enemy instead, that's all I can say!

Destiny of the Daleks
I wonder what IBM has to say at the idea robots aren't smart? I bet Kasparov loved this one. JNT sure didn't. In fact, he hated it so much he refused to have the Daleks in the show ever ever ever again. Apart from all those times he did. Romana turns crap with that spineless weak dog Lalla Ward taking over. I hate her so much I had to have a photo of her in this entry marked "GIRLISH AND UNASSERTIVE" to get my sheer disgust of her across. I hate her so much I like Douglas Adams more than her. The Movellans turn me on though. I think it's the wigs.

City of Death
BRILLIANT! I'm so glad Douglas Adams had nothing to do with this story, because it would be rubbish! And Julian Glover - he was in Space: 1999, you know? - is married to Catherine Schnell - SHE was in Space: 1999, too! John Cleese rocks and so does Tom Baker, but only because he has stopped trying to be anything other than Patrick "the Man" Troughton. This story is so good that the last episode of ST:TNG ripped it off word for word! Seriously, here are the words they ripped off. And Janeway was mates with Leonardo da Vinci as well. BRILLIANT!

The Creature from the Pit
ST:TNG just isn't as good as Space: 1999.

The Nightmare of Eden
This is all about chocolate and peanut butter getting mixed up. And drugs. There's some stuff about drugs. I think. I'm in something of a flow about Star Trek, so I'll talk about that for a while. This story isn't bad, though.

The Horns of Nimon
WHAT is this STEAMING TURD of a story FOR?! WHY did they MAKE it?! Did they not realize WE'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE? Done BETTER?!? WHY DID THEY EVEN SHOW THIS?!!??

No living being has ever seen that story, so it must automatically be brilliant. Oh, if only Douglas Adams'... previous... GAAH... work... had been lost instead. I would be so happy. But no one talks about Shada. It's just bad form. Never mention it. Even if you're buying the video. It's not to be discussed. Which is why I haven't discussed it. At all. You have been warned.

The Leisure Hive
More bloody VR? And super-fast aging! Star Trek did that! And they get rid of the Randomizer too. Good, it was bugging me the idea the Doctor couldn't control where he was going to land. There's no drama in that idea.

Holy shit! Barbara is back! And I really do think there is a show named Sapphire & Steele.

Full Circle
Boring boring boring cliched cliches of boring cliches boring cliche boring cliche cliche boring boring cliche boring. Even the title's ripped off Space: 1999. Why are they so cruel to K9? At least charming Adric (who they ripped off to make Wesley Crusher) joins, only to be turning into a walking country and western song. And then he DIES. In EARTHSHOCK. So do NOT get attached to him, not like I did! OH, ADRIC, WHERE ART THOU?! If only someone would bring you back to life as a geriatric sex offender ruling a planet of giant scorpions...

State of Decay
Space. Vampires. Give me a fucking break.

Warriors' Gate
K9! KAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNEEE! Oh, the pain and tears of his departure! It's SO sad! There's never another companion like him! He's like Lassie, Benji, Scrappy Doo! Oh, he is missed! Missed! Oh, that tart Lalla Ward leaves too, but who cares? Is SHE a robot dog? No. So what's the big deal about? I'll tell you. K9, that's who! More people committed self-harm at his departure than ever noticed Tom Baker leave. Oh, K9... WHY WON'T YOU COME BACK?!?!?!!!!

The Keeper of Traken
The cast changes a bit. Johnny Byrne (humanity within him) wrote for Space: 1999, so it's tragic this story is crap. But then, nothing interesting or ambitious happens in Season 18, does it? I could have left it out. No one would notice.

At. Fucking. Last. Stubborn Yank bastards STILL obsess over the scarfed loser, you know. He's only popular coz he reminds everyone of Kirk, at least when he's not BEING A COMPLETE RETARD THANKS TO DOUGLAS FREAKING ADAMS... Ahem. I don't understand a bloody word of the story itself, but then no one NORMAL would. In fact, no one NORMAL would like this story. Can you believe they introduce Tegan into the show at the same time they write out the Fourth Doctor? Morons. Fucking morons.


matt311 said...

Mr. Miles certainly seems a bit... schizophrenic on the Tom Baker era.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, no, this isn't Larry Miles, this is John Kenneth Muir - the author of 21 reference books covering science fiction and horror, all of which are more interested in Space: 1999.

No, Mad Larry is (as far as can be told) quite positive on the Tom Baker era. The thing is he seems to swing between "I hate Doctor Who" to "I used to love Doctor Who" and it's very difficult to tell which mode he's in.

He is, without doubt, far more lucid and entertaining in his critiques than Mr. Muir.

matt311 said...

Ahhhh... whoops, then. Guess I got confused by your recent mention of Larry Miles and mixed him up with Muir.

Youth of Australia said...

No worries.

matt311 said...

Does everyone in Australia say that? :-P

Either way, it appears that Mr. Muir (from what you've posted of his reviews) has a serious psychological problem; I hope he got checked out by the lads in white coats after his book was published...

Youth of Australia said...

Does everyone in Australia say that? :-P
Pretty much.

I've also spent all night trying to get into facebook to confirm your friendship. Still haven't managed it. Can you guess why I detest the place?

Youth of Australia said...

Does everyone in Australia say that? :-P
Pretty much.

I've also spent all night trying to get into facebook to confirm your friendship. Still haven't managed it. Can you guess why I detest the place?

matt311 said...

I've also spent all night trying to get into facebook to confirm your friendship. Still haven't managed it. Can you guess why I detest the place?
Are you having trouble remembering your password? You could always request a new one; they send the form right to your e-mail address.

Youth of Australia said...

No, it's because it takes bloody forever to load any given page on that festering website.

matt311 said...

Really? The biggest problem I've had with Facebook has been their chat boxes turning to shit every now and then...