Friday, January 15, 2010

A Critical Analysis of... The Sixth Doctor

The Twin Dilemma
Give me strength! The guy strangles Peri just ONCE in a thematically interesting way and suddenly everyone hates the Sixth Doctor! Don't you idiots see? This is a crime show, with the Sixth Doctor the renegade cop having to find his groove to defeat a crime syndicate... which just happens to take the form of a giant cross-eyed slug... but I didn't see you scumbags complaining about Jabba the Hutt! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE CLEVERNESS IN THIS? ARE YOU INSANE?!? You should have applauded the main character becoming a cowardly asshole with an ego so big it got its own dressing room! And there is NOTHING WRONG with that coat. Honestly, Whovians, you are worse than bloody Trekkies! I HATE YOU ALL!

Attack of the Cybermen
It's not as good as Tomb of the Cybermen, admittedly, but come on! It's like Rambo with Cyborgs! Or First Contact - without ruining all the continuity of Star Trek in the first place! Blood! Violence! Death! FANTASTIC!

Vengeance on Varos
The 1980s sucked, didn't they? A couple of gore films and suddenly everyone's acting like it's the 1950s and dismissing GENIUS like this! It's all so amazing! Internet polls, true democracy, a green slug with dyslexia... It's like The Jerry Springer Show if it was run by Ferengi! THIS CAN DO NO WRONG!!

The Mark of the Rani
TNG ripped this off too, people! Pity the Master's even more retarded than the time he tried to stop Magna Carta but it's written by PIP AND JANE! They wrote ONE episode of Space: 1999! They are GODS in America!!!

The Two Doctors
6b? SIX FUCKING BEEE??? HOW DAMN STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!

Timelash
"It had to happen eventually." You can't rip off The Time Machine every three stories without HG Wells finally turning up. You never see Star Trek do that! Paul Darrow rocks but, keep it between you and me, I think he might be wearing a toupee. Oh, this is so much better than anything Peter Davison was in!

Revelation of the Daleks
"The Daleks are trotted out in yet another Doctor Who adventure of little distinction." So... this is a sequel to the sequel of the sequel of Genesis of the Daleks. And it's not as good as the last one. Next!

Slipback
Can you believe no one has retconned this so it doesn't contradict Terminus?! CAN YOU?! It's because it's too damn comedic, that's why!

The Mysterious Planet
A stunner! It's just so... mysterious! It's actually ripping off a show that was ripping off Doctor Who, in a kind of metatextual feedback loop! Surely everyone saw that one episode of "Voyagers!" where Phineas Bogg the time traveler is put on a rigged trial by his own people? You haven't? Sod the lot of you, then. Oh, no, not ANOTHER story about the destruction of Earth! STOP DOING THOSE! It means I have to keep trying to work out which order Frontios, The Ark and The Ark in Space are! Thank god no one else is going to do a story like that...

Mindwarp
DARKEST! STORY! EVER! You thought Empire Strikes Back was nasty? This is OFF THE SCALE! OK, there isn't any kind of ending and basically it's a montage of bad shit happening to Peri that eventually just stops but WHO CARES? OK, all the viewers and fans who announced it crap, I concede, but it isn't! It's not remotely copying another story! APART from Vengeance of Varos, anyway. Oh, it's so distinctly ugly, in your face, rock em sock em! Sil's disgusting! Kiv's disgusting! Yrcanos is a wanker! Crozier is a loony! Even the Doctor seems a bit dodgy now and then! THE WORLD OF DOCTOR WHO IS NO LONGER SAFE! And lots of people in this were also in Space: 1999. If you don't instantly want to see it, I'm sorry, but your life has no meaning.

Terror of the Vervoids
Best story of the season! And do you know why? BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T VERVOIDS IN MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS, THAT'S WHY! I'm convinced Tonker Travers is a descendent of Professor Travers. Good for me, eh?

The Ultimate Foe
Um... I think I'll just spoil the ending. Can you believe they ditched Colin Baker? Anyone who kept watching after he left is unworthy of the oxygen they steal. No one will EVER realize what a brilliant Doctor Colin Baker was, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Otherwise this book would be inaccurate and that CANNOT HAPPEN!

17 comments:

matt311 said...

I'm going to assume you dislike Colin Baker's Doctor, then...

Youth of Australia said...

What? Me?

No, I'm a stauch defender of the bloke and smug that I was proved right by Big Finish.

However, his TV stories I almost entirely hate to an almost Tom Cookson rabidness. Hence my repeated attempts to rewrite them.

Quite simply, Colin Baker is the man. Pity he joined DW at PRECISELY the wrong time (ie, when Eric Saward lost all self control).

matt311 said...

By self-control, you mean...?

Youth of Australia said...

Writing for the show he was supposed to instead of sidelining regulars so he could write about gritty mercenaries and slag Colin Baker off behind his back sums it up...

matt311 said...

Well, he did rein in The Twin Dilemma and Trial of a Time Lord as best he could... right?

Youth of Australia said...

He probably did his best with Twin Dilemma, but Trial? No way. His part 14 - the "I refuse to change a word" script - is so utterly awful it's a blessing they got Pip and Jane to finish it instead.

matt311 said...

His part 14 - the "I refuse to change a word" script - is so utterly awful it's a blessing they got Pip and Jane to finish it instead.
Well, wasn't that mostly because it would have ended with the Doctor dead and most likely would've led to the show's cancellation, hence the change?

Have you read it, then?

Youth of Australia said...

Read it?

To misquote Bayban the Butcher, I've read it, critiqued it, improved it, novelized it, parodied it and released it all over the internet for the sole purpose that people could read it and realize what monstrous crap we were narrowly spared.

The closest link I can think of is here

But I don't no anyone who doesn't prefer my mockery of it...

matt311 said...

Very good mockery, indeed...

Now, what's your opinion of how the Sixth Doctor ended his tenure; i.e., a blonde-bewigged Sylvester McCoy with a poor blue effect covering his face?

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I can't be objective. I saw TATR as a kid without ever coping a CB episode prior - ergo, it never hits me as an 'end', but a beginning.

Maybe they should've skipped the whole 'show the regen' this time round, but it's a drammatic start to the story and the swirling blue is a tad more interesting than RTD's "BURN, TIME LORD, BURN!" fetish...

matt311 said...

Maybe they should've skipped the whole 'show the regen' this time round, but it's a drammatic start to the story and the swirling blue is a tad more interesting than RTD's "BURN, TIME LORD, BURN!" fetish...
I'd rather they'd have featured a morphing effect between Tennant and Smith, just not as laughable as the facial contortions in the TV movie (though it's oddly reminiscent of the end of The War Games, in hindsight); if you look closely at the tenth regeneration, you can see that it's a simple fade under the lightshow right when Tennant closes his eyes.

Youth of Australia said...

I'd rather they'd have featured a morphing effect between Tennant and Smith, just not as laughable as the facial contortions in the TV movie (though it's oddly reminiscent of the end of The War Games, in hindsight); if you look closely at the tenth regeneration, you can see that it's a simple fade under the lightshow right when Tennant closes his eyes.
...so?

You can see the Tenth Planet is a simple fade under the light show.

I can't believe people can complain about the technical quality of a regeneration having sat through the end of Planet of the Spiders. Even the writer thought that was crap.

If anything, 10 to 11 is improved, in my eyes, by the simplicity. Look at what you wrote.

He closes his eyes and suddenly turns into Matt Smith.

It was that simple. So all the TARDIS-destroying fireworks, etc, were not some hardcore regen clogging of energy, but 10 still refusing to regenerate at the very end. Then, he finally decides to accept his fate, symbolically closing his eyes and FOOM, instantly over.

He finally learns the ultimate life lesson: never slowly peel off a band aid, RIP IT OFF IN A SECOND!

Which is pretty much the moral for the entire story, if you think about it. If the Cult of Saxon, Naismith, the Silver Cloak, Rassilon et all, just stopped lollygagging, sucked it up, embraced the pain and got on with it, the universe would be a very different place. They all had different reasons to do so, of course, but, like Frobisher the Whifferdill always says:

He who hesitates is lunch.

matt311 said...

You can see the Tenth Planet is a simple fade under the light show.
Okay, point taken. ;-)

I can't believe people can complain about the technical quality of a regeneration having sat through the end of Planet of the Spiders. Even the writer thought that was crap.
Is this better, then? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmexYU5dT7w&fmt=18

If anything, 10 to 11 is improved, in my eyes, by the simplicity. Look at what you wrote.

He closes his eyes and suddenly turns into Matt Smith.

It was that simple. So all the TARDIS-destroying fireworks, etc, were not some hardcore regen clogging of energy, but 10 still refusing to regenerate at the very end. Then, he finally decides to accept his fate, symbolically closing his eyes and FOOM, instantly over.

So, he really didn't "want to go"? That's an incredibly infantile thought to be coming from a 900-year-old alien.

He finally learns the ultimate life lesson: never slowly peel off a band aid, RIP IT OFF IN A SECOND!

Which is pretty much the moral for the entire story, if you think about it. If the Cult of Saxon, Naismith, the Silver Cloak, Rassilon et all, just stopped lollygagging, sucked it up, embraced the pain and got on with it, the universe would be a very different place.

I thought the Silver Cloak was just a charming little plot device to give Wilfrid Mott a more active role in the first part of the story...

They all had different reasons to do so, of course, but, like Frobisher the Whifferdill always says:

He who hesitates is lunch.

Just in time for dinner, eh? :-D

Youth of Australia said...

Is this better, then? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmexYU5dT7w&fmt=18
What with the current IE crisis, I cannot see youtube. But pretty much anything is better than what we got.

So, he really didn't "want to go"? That's an incredibly infantile thought to be coming from a 900-year-old alien.
But the whole point is he ISN'T a 900 year old alien. He's only around six or so. He considers his life starting with "BARCELONA!", not on Gallifrey. That was the whole point of the cafe scene.

Is it any more childish than 2 shouting abuse at the Time Lords? 3 needing K'Anpo to tell him what to do? 4 trying to climb the radar tower instead of just falling with the cable?

And remember, 10 has the longest time to be doomed. For all the others they had just minutes to twig before they died. He's had months to brood about it.

At least he's honest with his final words...

I thought the Silver Cloak was just a charming little plot device to give Wilfrid Mott a more active role in the first part of the story...
But they sought out the Doctor specifically to aide mankind with its nightmares. Whereupon they immediately start taking photos and groping him, despite him being in a very palpable hurry and not appreciating their presence.

matt311 said...

And remember, 10 has the longest time to be doomed. For all the others they had just minutes to twig before they died. He's had months to brood about it.

At least he's honest with his final words...

Well, he certainly throws a tantrum in from of Wilf in the manor, then...

Also, this is the second time we've seen a Time Lord scream while regenerating (the first being the Master, of course); why do you think that is? Coincidence?

Youth of Australia said...

Well, he certainly throws a tantrum in from of Wilf in the manor, then...
And his tantrum is quite clearly down to the unfairness - not because he's going to die, but because he has no choice. He couldn't walk away from Wilf, because if he'd died, the Doctor wouldn't have been able to cope. He's at his wits end, but he is furious at the way he could - in theory - skip away and live for centuries. It's like the universe is mocking him, the same way the door unlocked AFTER he's rendered radioactive.

And even then he gets screwed over, because he doesn't regenerate in the booth. He gets even MORE time to reflect how screwed he is, just to pour salt into the wound.

Also, this is the second time we've seen a Time Lord scream while regenerating (the first being the Master, of course); why do you think that is? Coincidence?
Not sure. The Master screamed on both sides of the change (presumably because he's a girly wuss who can't take regeneration like a full-fisted man), but it was only the Eleventh Doctor that screamed - and you can't quite clearly see him go, "Why the hell am I screaming again?"

Perhaps it is symbolic, that the Eleventh Doctor has been waiting in the wings for so long he is screaming in impatience, so when he finally enters reality, he's still screaming.

Or maybe the sudden change from fighting the regeneration to letting it snap into place just stung like a bitch.

matt311 said...

And his tantrum is quite clearly down to the unfairness - not because he's going to die, but because he has no choice. He couldn't walk away from Wilf, because if he'd died, the Doctor wouldn't have been able to cope. He's at his wits end, but he is furious at the way he could - in theory - skip away and live for centuries. It's like the universe is mocking him, the same way the door unlocked AFTER he's rendered radioactive.

And even then he gets screwed over, because he doesn't regenerate in the booth. He gets even MORE time to reflect how screwed he is, just to pour salt into the wound.

This would've made a nice alternative ending, then... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ2dZcdiaLg&fmt=18

Perhaps it is symbolic, that the Eleventh Doctor has been waiting in the wings for so long he is screaming in impatience, so when he finally enters reality, he's still screaming.

Or maybe the sudden change from fighting the regeneration to letting it snap into place just stung like a bitch.

Well, Ten held on for too long, I guess, but aren't they all supposed to be the same man, save the difference in personality and appearance? Why is Ten so committed to not regenerating (even as far back as Journey's End)?