The Twin Dilemma
Give me strength! The guy strangles Peri just ONCE in a thematically interesting way and suddenly everyone hates the Sixth Doctor! Don't you idiots see? This is a crime show, with the Sixth Doctor the renegade cop having to find his groove to defeat a crime syndicate... which just happens to take the form of a giant cross-eyed slug... but I didn't see you scumbags complaining about Jabba the Hutt! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE CLEVERNESS IN THIS? ARE YOU INSANE?!? You should have applauded the main character becoming a cowardly asshole with an ego so big it got its own dressing room! And there is NOTHING WRONG with that coat. Honestly, Whovians, you are worse than bloody Trekkies! I HATE YOU ALL!
Attack of the Cybermen
It's not as good as Tomb of the Cybermen, admittedly, but come on! It's like Rambo with Cyborgs! Or First Contact - without ruining all the continuity of Star Trek in the first place! Blood! Violence! Death! FANTASTIC!
Vengeance on Varos
The 1980s sucked, didn't they? A couple of gore films and suddenly everyone's acting like it's the 1950s and dismissing GENIUS like this! It's all so amazing! Internet polls, true democracy, a green slug with dyslexia... It's like The Jerry Springer Show if it was run by Ferengi! THIS CAN DO NO WRONG!!
The Mark of the Rani
TNG ripped this off too, people! Pity the Master's even more retarded than the time he tried to stop Magna Carta but it's written by PIP AND JANE! They wrote ONE episode of Space: 1999! They are GODS in America!!!
The Two Doctors
6b? SIX FUCKING BEEE??? HOW DAMN STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!
"It had to happen eventually." You can't rip off The Time Machine every three stories without HG Wells finally turning up. You never see Star Trek do that! Paul Darrow rocks but, keep it between you and me, I think he might be wearing a toupee. Oh, this is so much better than anything Peter Davison was in!
Revelation of the Daleks
"The Daleks are trotted out in yet another Doctor Who adventure of little distinction." So... this is a sequel to the sequel of the sequel of Genesis of the Daleks. And it's not as good as the last one. Next!
Can you believe no one has retconned this so it doesn't contradict Terminus?! CAN YOU?! It's because it's too damn comedic, that's why!
The Mysterious Planet
A stunner! It's just so... mysterious! It's actually ripping off a show that was ripping off Doctor Who, in a kind of metatextual feedback loop! Surely everyone saw that one episode of "Voyagers!" where Phineas Bogg the time traveler is put on a rigged trial by his own people? You haven't? Sod the lot of you, then. Oh, no, not ANOTHER story about the destruction of Earth! STOP DOING THOSE! It means I have to keep trying to work out which order Frontios, The Ark and The Ark in Space are! Thank god no one else is going to do a story like that...
DARKEST! STORY! EVER! You thought Empire Strikes Back was nasty? This is OFF THE SCALE! OK, there isn't any kind of ending and basically it's a montage of bad shit happening to Peri that eventually just stops but WHO CARES? OK, all the viewers and fans who announced it crap, I concede, but it isn't! It's not remotely copying another story! APART from Vengeance of Varos, anyway. Oh, it's so distinctly ugly, in your face, rock em sock em! Sil's disgusting! Kiv's disgusting! Yrcanos is a wanker! Crozier is a loony! Even the Doctor seems a bit dodgy now and then! THE WORLD OF DOCTOR WHO IS NO LONGER SAFE! And lots of people in this were also in Space: 1999. If you don't instantly want to see it, I'm sorry, but your life has no meaning.
Terror of the Vervoids
Best story of the season! And do you know why? BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T VERVOIDS IN MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS, THAT'S WHY! I'm convinced Tonker Travers is a descendent of Professor Travers. Good for me, eh?
The Ultimate Foe
Um... I think I'll just spoil the ending. Can you believe they ditched Colin Baker? Anyone who kept watching after he left is unworthy of the oxygen they steal. No one will EVER realize what a brilliant Doctor Colin Baker was, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Otherwise this book would be inaccurate and that CANNOT HAPPEN!