A fairty-tale palace of imaginary people ruled by the Master at the dawn of time? PAH! Tame, conservative DROSS with puppy-dog-eyes Davison as the handsome blond lead! Oh, how can anyone take an attractive, beautiful, young, moist, pink Doctor seriously? This isn't Babylon fucking Five, you know! Oh, I suppose it's not fair to judge an actor because I think he's too young? TOUGH! COZ HE IS! AND HE'S CRAP! And so are all his stories, so bland and repetitive, it makes me contemplate kicking the dog! Oh, Tommy B, where art thou when I need you!? There's precious little interest in a tale of the Doctor and pals in an Escher painting, is there? And the Master - again? Why can't he just put a cap in the Doctor's ass? How can he possibly be defeated by scum like Tegan or Nyssa?! You wouldn't get Khan from Star Trek being THAT pissweak! Honestly, they completely change the main character and format of the show and expect me to think it's INNOVATIVE? Adric's hardly in it!
Four to Doomsday
Ooh! Deep! It's all about the soul and stuff, just like Space: 1999! If immortality is so boring and soul-destroying, why the hell are we watching the Doctor anyway?! Thank Christ Tom Baker isn't ruining this boring story with jokes! HUMOR IS IMMATURE!
Mystical bollocks about hippies being right and a not particularly memorable or dangerous evil being defeated with mirrors. Did that work in Nightmare on Elm Street? I think not. The story smells unpleasantly. Why the hell does it have a sequel? WHY, DAMN IT?!
A weak, hackneyed hodgepodge of the vastly-superior Android Invasion! You know 21 stories so far are about alien invasions? That's like 16% of all Doctor Who! Hello? OVERKILL! Does anyone REALLY care how the Doctor will defeat another bunch of alien wankers? Nothing of the Davison era even counts as "second rung of very good Doctor Who stories". Dammit, JNT, WHY DID YOU CUT OUT THE JOKES?! This is overlong and dull! And why the hell did you blow up the sonic screwdriver? Do they blow up phasers and tricorders in Star Trek because it made things "too easy"? No they did not, you madman! Oh, how I hate you!
Wow, a Victorian age romance! It's like Jane Ayre or Rebecca or Wuthering Heights or Jamaica Inn and masks, lots of masks! See how much character Adric gets by stuffing his face at the buffet table and avoiding the rest of the cast, while Tegan sluts it up on the dance floor and Nyssa... is mistaken for someone else! BEST! STORY! EVER! In Season 19, anyway, the television equivalent of genital warts! No wonder Voyager rips it off... twice!
AWESOME! Badass Cybermen, Beryl Reid, dinosaurs AND THEY FUCKING KILL ADRIC! HOW COULD THEY? IN A FAMILY SHOW?!? A poor, innocent teenage boy! Why not Harry? Or Steven? Or Ian Chesterton? No one would care if THOSE losers bought the bullet, but ADRIC? A poor orphan with no friends or family like what most orphans tend to be? AND THEY KILLED HIM?! Total amazement city. And Briggs' ship runs on anti-matter warp drive. From Star Trek. That's just fucking wrong. Gene R should sue.
Another dreadful boring rehash that isn't scary or frightening ending the season on an ignominous fashion no wonder everyone hates it oh god oh god entropy is starting to seep in this is death nell of Doctor Who just end it end it now please god make it stop please please please stop uninventive shit make it stop. Plus, it rips off that Shatner episode of Twilight Zone AGAIN.
Arc of Infinity
How is this possible! Someone from Space: 1999 writes a story... and it's shithouse. AGAIN! That just doesn't make sense! Clearly Doctor Who is just plain crap that cannot be saved. Next!
Not very original, not very exciting, thoroughly average and WHAT IS LON WEARING?! He looks like a drag queen. Admittedly a beautiful, seductive, unsettling drag queen that speaks deeply to my own perversions, but a drag queen nonetheless. Why couldn't the Mara be like Anaconda? I need the toilet.
Woo-hoo! The Brigadier! Treacherous Turlough! That guy from Sapphire & Steele (sic)! Something wipes that shit-eating grin off Davo's face! I was bitching about there being nothing but recurring characters in this year, but the Brigadier doesn't count because he's from the Pertwee era and automatically awesome. Turlough's not nearly as cool as Dr. Smith from Lost in Space! And if time travel's so dangerous, why didn't Bill and Ted blow up? Huh? That doesn't make ANY sense! All in all, I'd much rather watch Space: 1999.
With its occupation with pain, suffering and disease, you might think this story is just a little bit on the grim side. But that's not Doctor Who, it's the TNG episode that ripped it off, even down to Nyssa's departure! That's right, tree-huggers! Oh, Nyssa... I don't hate her nearly as much as Mel (spit!)! And JNT sequelizing Season 16 - which he KNOWS I HATE!! - what a bastard! I think I'll start talking about the next story. Because I can. It's my book!
Ooh, sailing ships in space. Only seen that, what, 700 times before! Losers. Zardoz is cool. Turlough is not. He should have killed the Doctor by now, snapping his neck when he slept. Oh yes, I saw Hartnell sleep once, so it's obvious Turlough should have done it, the moral-free asshole. In fact, I didn't even watch this story. I had Space: 1999 doing it all much better.
The King's Demons
Small potatoes. The Master is a retard, but the queen was in Space: 1999. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Space: 1999...
The Five Doctors
That selfish bastard William Hartnell had to go and ruin it all by dying, didn't he?! And then Pertwee and Troughton do the exact same thing! THE SELFISH BASTARDS! Oh, Tom Baker, why didn't you come crawling back in 83? What could you have been doing that would POSSIBLY be more important?! Oh, at least we got another rip off of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Hang on. Season 6b? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE ON ABOUT?!?!?
Warriors of the Deep
Yoyoyo! Doctor Who is in da house! All those underwater films like The Abyss, Deep Star Six, Endless Descent, Lord of the Deep, all WISH they were as good as this story! Yeah, Doctor Who be leadin the pack, ma homies! Kick Star Trek in the bollocks with their peace, freedom and democracy crap! THIS IS THE REAL STUFF! Anyone who says otherwise is lying because they have no soul.
Space: 1999 does more in an hour than this shithole manages. And it's set on Earth! That's 10 out of 16 adventures on Earth! HOW UNRELENTINGLY BORING! You'd never find the Pertwee era doing that! Infuriatingly unambitious, unoriginal, lazy and stupid! No, I DIDN'T watch it all the way through! I don't NEED to!
Doctor Who is obsessed by the final fate of mankind. Well, it's done two stories about it. One of which I wasn't paying attention to. And they both had The Ark in the title. And the Tractators are just backward Cybermen when you think about it exactly the same way I do. And ripping off The Time Machine again. Ah. Nostalgia.
Resurrection of the Daleks
AWESOME! STAR WARS RIP-OFFS! ALIENS RIP-OFFS! Explosions! Death! Plague! Tegan finally pisses off! This is the best Dalek story EVER! Of course, it shows them as moronically stupid, pointlessly violent, easily-blinded foot soldiers who explode every few minutes... actually, maybe it's not the best Dalek story ever. But people's faces melt! FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!
Planet of Fire
And they've gotten rid of Turlough too! YEEEHAAAA! And in comes sassy Peri with her nasal whine and stupendous tits. Oh, if only they'd got rid of Davo as well! Peri is the freaking (wo)MANNN!!! Huh? Kamelion who?
The Caves of Androzani
It's just like Phantom of the Opera, only with machine guns! And Davo dies like a man unlike all the much better Doctors before him! The best bit is when Colin Baker appears and declares the past three seasons total shit! Applaud just superb observational skills, my friends! THE SIXTH DOCTOR SPEAKS FOR ME!!!! HE IS OUR MESSIAH!!!!!!