Sunday, March 9, 2008

What Does Not Kill Strengthens

Apart from osteoperosis. I found in the depths of my computer a heap of stories by Ron "Die, Hideous Welsh Homosexual Type Person Working To Destroy Doctor Who At The Behest of Michael Grade Who Is His Fuckbuddy, Die!" Mallet. Of course I didn't know he was like that back then, and saved the stories to read later, before I knew how horrible they were. It turns out I've got myself a kind of goldmine since Ronny has deleted many of the stories, and jumbled the order. So I guess even HE thought that it was a tad unlikely for a whole story to occur between Caves of Androzani and Twin Dilemma, especially where the Doctor (still dressed as Celery Boy) and Peri travel into a new universe and arrive on a parallel Earth where the Master works for UNIT fighting Silurians, Sea Devils and the Sky Dragons...

But when my Adonis-like fellow blogger Jared "No Nickname" Hansen ran, screaming out of the room five seconds into glancing at Ronny's Cybergenesis tale 'Mission to Mondas', I wondered, could I ever be brave enough to tackle one of the Mallet's Masterplans? So, I picked at random the one that looked most interesting - a missing segment of The Trial of a Time Lord, featuring the Future Sixth Doctor, Future Mel, Davros, Daleks, Thals and Ronny's desire to (ahem) fill the gaps. Surely it could be no worse than his original fiction?

So, the YOA version of MST3K begins... the YOAT2K+8!

I need to work on that title.

N: Nigella Verkoff
D: David Restal
A: Andrew Beelbrox

Reformation of the Daleks
By Ron Mallett

D: You got to admire him taking the title so literally. I mean, I always assumed that title (which has been tossed around a fair bit since 1988) to mean the re-formation of the Daleks, the Daleks rebuilding their empire after the Hand of Omega blew it to smithereens. But no, it's "reformation" as to "reform" or redeem your past, inappropriate behavior.
N: So, basically, we have Nice Daleks... and who the hell wants to see Nice Daleks?!
A: Anyone who's just opened a door to be confronted by them I guess.

Every person at the Thal outpost stood silent, frozen.
N: If the Thal outpost is full of people, not just Thals, then who are the others?
D: Extras.
A: Oh look, Ricky Gervais.

Only the stars that shimmered through the portholes moved at all. Even a star-ship that hung outside was totally still.
D: Why would the star-ship outside be moving?
A: More to the point, why would the "outpost", some kind of space station one supposes, be stationary? Normally they tend to rotate, if not to provide artificial gravity, then to keep some kind of orbit.
N: Obviously, the outpost is an opinion forum of some kind and they're waiting for the next episode to show so they can start discussing it.

The only sound that could be heard was a distress beacon that echoed away from the space station and across the vacuum of space.
A: Can you see the problems there? Can sound echo across a vacuum?
D: A clue? No.

The Doctor studied the instruments on the TARDIS console.
D: "Is that flashing light meaning self destruct?"
N: "Or does it mean it's coming on to me?"
A: Oh, TARDIS console, you saucy minx! Sarah Jane suspected you for the slut you are.
D: I remember Jack asked to be alone with the TARDIS on one or two occasions... before losing control and humping the poor ship causing it to jump a hundred trillion years into the future.
N: Oh yeah. Cap'n Jack will fuck you hard tonight!

Mel sat on a chair nearby reading the TARDIS manual.
N: You mean, she does OTHER things apart from mindless aerobic activity?
A: I bet she's wondering why all the pages are either blank, torn out or in another language.
D: Didn't JNT want her to keep trying to pilot the TARDIS and continually crash it.
N: Women drivers.
D: Women readers. Come on, out of all the books you could read, she wants to read the manual for a time machine that never once malfunctions while she's aboard?
A: What about...
D: On TV. It never went wrong on TV when Mel was aboard.
N: Tell that to the Seventh Doctor.
D: Ah, but this is the Sixth Doctor.
A: So?
D: So, it hasn't gone wrong yet, ass features. She has no reason to read it.
N: Maybe there's porn hidden within.
A: "Doctor! Jo Grant is doing something unseemly to that Dalek!"
D: She hasn't met the Daleks yet!
N: What? Jo? She did more than meet them, she...

The distress beacon rang from the console speaker and it immediately drew The Doctor's attention.
N: The drawing was rubbish, however, so The Doctor's attention screwed it up and threw it in the bin.
A: I hate capitalization where it isn't due.
D: I hate the suggestion the TARDIS has only one speaker.
A: Maybe it's the only working one?
D: You mean the other speakers are broken?
N: Can THEY draw things?

His yellow tie swirled as he raced to investigate.
A: Eww. If his clothing is spaghettifying, he needs to slow down.
N: He was already studying the controls, so it can't be that far away.

Mel sprang up to him.
All: ARGH!
N: "Mel! How the fuck did you do that? You were sitting in a chair?"
A: "That was a body double! I hide under the console to suprise you!"
D: "Why?"
A: "Might shed some pounds, fatso!"
N: Agh! The bitch must die!

"What's that?"
A: "It's you, springing up on me!"

The Doctor tutted and shook his head.
A: Uh, he replies to "what's that?" by tutting and shaking his head.
N: Maybe he doesn't like the quality of his dialogue.
D: Where are Pip & Jane Baker when you need them?
A: Trick question! Five point penalty!
D: Rats!

He did his best to ignore her as he circled the console.
D: If he is circling the console, surely must bump into her while doing it?
N: Why circle the console? Hasn't he found the speaker yet?

Finally, sensing her concern he explained:
D: This guy can sense concern, ignore the concerned party AND circle the console and not bump into her? The Time Lords are indeed powerful.

"It's an intergalactic distress beacon!"
A: Intergalactic? Why the hell would the Thals send out a distress signal to the next galaxy?
N: You don't know it was the Thals. It could be some Eric Saward plot device that makes no sense.
A: Still, intergalactic? That's like ringing Borneo to tell them your house is on fire. When you don't live in Borneo. But actually really far away from Borneo. The Borneo Fire Brigade will be unable to help you. Basically, it's stupid. That's what I'm saying. Get it?
D: Got it.
N: Good.

The Doctor began to type a message into the main keyboard.
D: "sorry... just popped out... leave message... after beep..."

Instantly all the crew aboard the Thal station sprang to life.
A: The passengers, however, stayed frozen like the slackers they are.
D: Gosh, Mel will fit right in, with all this "spranging".
N: "Springing".
A: Mel's one hell of a spring-chicken.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that they had just been frozen, the Thals continued their work to repel an aggressor.
D: Surely they STARTED work. What with being frozen.
N: It never said they were working at all. They could have all been butt naked assuming muscle men poses for all we were told.
A: Is that desire I hear in your voice, Nigel?
N: Uckfay offay, Andrewnay.

An energy beam shook the station.
N: What station? I thought this was an opinion forum!
A: Obviously this is some kind of flamewar.
D: Is the other spaceship the one doing the firing? Or was that completely out of nowhere?
A: Who is this aggressor they're trying to repel? It's not a good one if it didn't attack when they were all frozen!
N: The other ship was frozen too.
A: You don't know that. You don't even know if it was the aggressor! We know nothing!
N: What about the rape stuff?
A: Better.

Damage report
N: Your inverted commas are down 50%!

and get those shields up!" The Station Commander shouted.
A: MORE unwanted capitalization!
D: Is The Station Commander a Time Lord? Does he have no name?
N: I thought he was a Thal!
A: No, the Thals were on the outpost, this is the station.
N: Which was just shaken by an energy beam.
D: And facing an aggressor.
A: With a Thal crew.
N: So... the Thals on the station are fighting the Thals on the outpost.
D: So who's in the ship?
A: The Station Commander?
N: But he's just been shaken up by the energy beam!
A: Energy beams take no sides, sah!

A Thal technician looked up from his screen to address The Commander:
D: Is that the same as The Station Commander, or is it some relative?

"Commander the shield generator has been damaged."
A: So, that's why it wasn't already up?
D: Retrospective damage? I sense Faction Paradox behind this?
N: I sense Faction Shithouse Fanfic, myself.

The TARDIS abruptly materialised on the bridge of the station before the eyes of The Commander.
A: In yer face or what?
D: "Argh! Blue Box on my nose! Agh!"
N: So this station is the same station as the Thals and the Station Commander.
A: Ahem.
N: Sorry, The Station Commander?
D: Let's just say it is.
A: We're doing more work than the author.
N: Like that's new.

The furious background chatter momentarily stopped as the blue box began to open.
N: Wow, the Thals aren't pacifists any more if even their background chatter is furious.
D: So, it stopped momentarily, huh? So it started again BEFORE the blue box was fully open?
A: Why is he being so damned coy? No intro about who/what/where/when for the Doctor and Mel, but apparently we've no idea what the TARDIS is like.
N: And WHERE was the wheezing and groaning?
D: Probably from The Commander With The Blue Box On His Head.
N: It's getting a bit like Paul Margrs' Maddogs And Englishmen, isn't it?
A: No.
N: That has the TARDIS land on someone's head.
A: Yes, but MDAE was interesting.

D: Is the blue box shouting that?
N: It can't be The Commander, his head is crushed.
A: Surely they should be more worried about the agressor?
D: Gosh, agressors, energy beams, blue boxes... I bet this place has never been so interesting.
N: Now THAT is a scary thought.

"Hello? Can we help?" The Doctor asked.
N: Where did he come from?
A: Who is he talking to?
D: This doesn't make clear he's answering a distress call. And why didn't they get his reply that he typed out so carefully?
A: "To The Commander: Best Take Two Steps To The Left"?

"Who on Skaro are you people?"
N: Get real. Why would a Thal talk like that? I mean, would a human ask "Who on Earth?" if they were on a space station in the future?
A: Who on Skaro is the person asking the question?
D: Security, maybe?
A: Why "people"? Has Mel sprung up again? Where did they turn up from?
D: What is going on?
N: Trust me, ignorance is bliss.

"I'm The Doctor and this is my friend Mel," The Doctor answered politely.
N: Yeah, smart move with the manners, Doc, landing on the boss's head.
A: He could be polite and tell us who he was answering?
D: Maybe the voices in his head?

The Commander seemed to be satisfied that they posed no immediate threat.
N: Apart from landing on his face.
A: "Seemed"? Talk about taking the third person a bit far!
D: So people who magically appear in the bridge during an attack are no threat? Thals are morons!
A: And the Doctor offered to help, but no one replied.
N: Despite the fact they sent out a distress signal.
D: Idiots.

"I'm sorry Doctor, I've got no time for pleasantries, we're in the middle of a war here!"
A: If you've got no time for pleasantries, why did you say sorry?
N: In the middle of a war? And you're wasting time chatting to these losers?
D: If you're so desperate, tell them how they can help!
A: Obviously they arrived a bit early, since the Thals were asking help from another galaxy.

The central mainframe exploded, throwing all three main players to the floor.
D: The mainframe is SOFTware, so it should just cause a light to go out or an error message.
N: Who are the three main players?
A: The Doctor, Mel, The Station Commander, The Commander and the Thal Technician.
D: You don't think that the two commanders are the same person?
A: No! That's against all the laws of time!

"Commander Nadar, the shield generator has been destroyed - we're defenceless!"
N: Who said that?
A: Yes, own up. How can we trust you?
D: And if the mainframe is gone, it should effect everything. Not just the shields. And since they were damaged anyway, they didn't need to blow up from a storytelling point of view. Did it self destruct? Why?
N: Thal technology, as dumb as the people who build it.
A: You realize now there's The Station Commander, The Commander and Commander Nadar? Jeez, talk about two many cooks. No wonder they're sending out useless distress calls and arguing with strangers!
N: On the bright side, if one of them is, say, crushed by a materializing blue box, there's someone around to take over.

A stern glance from Nadar silenced his hysterics.
N: Who's hysterics? His own?
D: Is Nadar Commander Nadar?
A: No idea. Nadar. Zip.
D: Nadar is clearly the superior to all those Commanders, since he communicates by eye contact. Mind you, it's lucky that only one person is hysterical and presumably that's the Thal technician, who is the only other speaking part.
A: Damn you, actor's equity. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

"Commander I may be able to repair your shields," The Doctor offered.
D: Repair? Doc, they just got DESTROYED!

Nadar looked at him suspiciously.
N: More non-verbal intimidation. I can see why Big Finish were interested.
A: I think Nadar's right. How dare the Doctor respond to the distress call, crush his subordinate's skull and then offer to help!
D: He hasn't said he was answering the distress call!
N: He didn't have to. You communicate with Nadar by glances.

"Well, what do you have to lose?" Mel cried.
N: Stop crying, bitch!
D: Yes, Mel, it's perfectly sensible to let a strange man who appears out of nowhere in the middle of a combat situation unrestricted access to your main defense shields. What could possibly go wrong?
A: He could switch on the self destruct.
D: Oh. Yeah.
N: Isn't there supposed to be a spaceship attacking them?
A: No, just some energy beam. It's probably a one-off.
D: Man, this war sucks.

A sleek star-ship streaked along the surface of a barren planet.
A: Ssssssssssss.
D: What's that?
A: The sparks from friction as the star-ship rubs against the surface of the barren planet it's streaking across.
N: Heheh. Streakers.
A: Down boy.
D: If it's in orbit, it's not really a star ship, is it?
N: Why the emphasis on stars? Is he worried we'll mistake it for a boat or something?

It came to rest in a deep gully and presently three figures emerged,
A: So that was all a flashback? Hardcore!

all in Thal military uniforms.
D: Wow. Do you think they're Thal Military?
A: What do Thal military uniforms look like anyway?
N: Beige jumpsuits.
A: Why?
N: It's 1986 Doctor Who.
A: Oh yeah.

The team consisted of a youth, a young woman and the same Commander Nadar who was present on the station.
D: Well, that's intensely interesting!
A: Commander Nadar has a twin brother, and clearly The Commander, The Station Commander and Nadar the Silent are with an imposter!
D: Uh, I meant, it says he's present on the station yet here. It's obviously astral travel.
N: Well, he does use a "star ship".

"A perfect landing Commander," beamed the youth.
A: Youth? Does this creature have anything but inexperience to define it?
N: And what a suck-up. Brownnoser.

"You're our Dalek technology expert Tonar, were we tracked?"
N: Tonar was grateful, as she'd completely forgotten her area of expertise.
A: Good thing Nadar pointlessly reminded her.
D: Ahem. Commander Nadar. Nadar would just look at her.
A: My bad.

"I don't believe so Commander Nadar, Solak's course would have made that impossible," she answered.
N: Who's Solak? Is that the youth?
A: More to the point, why discuss this now? Why not say, BEFORE they landed?
D: And why is it impossible for them to be tracked by a strange course? If there is tracking equipment in that gully, they're still stuffed.

"I hope you're right... for all our sakes," Nadar grimly noted.
A: ...In pure cliches.
N: Why "hope"? Don't they check these things?
D: And as the wise man said, it doesn't matter if they track you as long as they don't catch you.
N: Yeah, Nadar, grow some balls already!
A: Careful, Nadar, a blue box might crush them... again... possibly.

"I'm afraid the shield generators are beyond repair Commander," The Doctor admitted.
D: No shit, Sherlock! What gave it away, the fact they were destroyed?!

"Well, at least we'll have time to prepare a fitting welcome for the monsters Doctor!" Nadar replied.
A: I don't like this radical interpretation of Nadar. What about our pals The Commander, Commander Nadar and The Station Commander?
N: They're too busy in mourning for whichever one got crushed.
A: Shame.
D: Hmmm. So the Doctor confirms that they don't have shields, but this is good because it gives them time to prepare for "the monsters".
N: "The monsters" you say? In a story called "Reformation of the Daleks?" WHO COULD THEY BE?!
D: My problem is, they don't have shields, so the monsters can just blow up the outpost/station/whatever the hell it is. At the very least they can board quickly, so the Thals have even LESS time to prepare.
N: Why is Nadar telling the Doctor his plans?
A: Obviously the Doctor has earned his trust by looking at the blown up shield generator and announced it was blown up. Honesty is the best policy.
D: Speaking of which, where's Mel?

"You only seem to have enough power for life support. How close is the next station Commander?"
"You just told me that we only have enough power for life support!"

A: Very good, Commander!
D: Yep, mind like a steel trap, that one.
N: Rusty, dangerous and probably illegal.
D: I don't get why asking the location of the next station automatically contradicts saying they don't have much power.
N: Maybe he was suggesting they use a tractor beam to suck it closer, and then get some jumper leads to provide the power to use a tractor beam to suck it closer, and then get some jumper leads to provide the power to use a tractor beam to... Ag! My brain!

"Yes, but by closing down the life support on any superfluous levels, we might be able to resume the beacon," The Doctor explained.
D: Resume? Beacon? What beacon?
N: The intergalactic one, dumbass.
A: And that will help how? The other station will just go, "Not for us, wrong number".
D: Why not use the TARDIS to communicate rather than waste station power?
A: It might look a bit tasteless, since the TARDIS just crushed a guy.
N: That gag is getting old.
D: Still better than the source material.
N: Point.

"Well, we're as far out from Thal territory as anyone could be but you're welcome to try Doctor."
A: Yeah, sure. Cut down life support on a clearly doomed attempt to call for help as the enemy are already INSIDE the gate.
N: But I thought we established there were non-Thals aboard. Surely their territories can help?
D: Nah, let the Thals die. These are the same idiots who build their stations with intergalactic distress signals, self-destructing shield generators and put them so far out from the next station no one can call for help.
A: Maybe Nadar is some kind of B Ark style Darwinian culling?
N: I like that explanation. It works on many varied levels.
D: Can we stop now?

Nadar, Tonar and Solak made their way across the wasteland.
N: Wow. I wonder if this is Skaro?
A: Surely the area's cleared up a bit over the last million years?
D: Nah, any land with those idiots is automatically "waste" land.
N: Where has the youth gone?
D: Burnt out in this horrible fan fic. It ages all of us prematurely.
N: Need... moisturizer... fight... wrinkles...
A: Too little. Too late.
N: Fuck off!

Throwing themselves against the rim of a rugged crater, they surveyed the valley below with their infra-red visors.
D: Why so rough?
N: Kinky! Rugged crators SO work for them?
A: Why do they need infrared visors? Is it night?
D: Are they looking for Daleks?
N: Daleks can't see red.
A: So the visors are invisible to Daleks.
N: But the Thals themselves stick out like dog bollocks on a gnat. Then again, maybe the Daleks will go "AGH! THEIR EYES VANISH AND REAPPEAR!" and shit themselves.
D: Thal battle tactics. Cruel and unusual.
A: And frequently shithouse.

"I can't see any outer sentries... just as anticipated," Tonar commented.
A: Why would the Daleks have sentries?
D: What about security cameras, Tonar? Think of that?

"Unless we're too late and this is just a ploy to allow us into the complex safely," Nadar suggested.
A: Oh, Nadar, you hopeless romantic, you.
N: Why didn't they spend more time moving and less time humping crator walls if there was a deadline?

"But to what end?" Solak countered.
N: Guess, mofo, guess!

"Yes, there are easier ways of dealing with us... either way we must proceed," Nadar insisted.
A: So why discuss it?
D: It's simple. Either they walk into a trap. Or walk into a not-trap.
N: If they didn't expect sentries, why didn't they land closer?
A: And what are the easier ways of dealing with them? Smearing more pheromones on the rugged crators and hoping the Thals prove more easily sidetracked then Torchwood?
D: Blowing them up before they landed, maybe?
N: Oh, if only.

On the Thal space station,
N: Is this still the outpost?
D: Let. It. Go.
A: Yeah, dude, we'll be stuck here forever...

The Doctor had managed to entangle himself in a mass of wires.
N: Wow! Not a bit of a rip off from The Two Doctors then.
A: So the Doctor's actually like working with computers and stuff.
D: But not getting Mel's help.
A: My point was to establish this. Before he just seemed to be standing on the spot telling us things cannot be fixed. Is he now actually moving?
D: No, the wires leapt out of the shadows and are trying to kill him.
A: ...why? For what reason?
N: His clothes?
A: Good enough.

As usual Mel stood nearby with a sceptical expression of her face.
N: Surely, "as usual", Mel should be pestering everyone, getting annoying and doing jolly exercise.
A: Mel? 'Sceptical'? That implies she is not instantly taking anything on trust! Which is the antithesis of usual.
D: Why aren't people moving? Are they frozen again?

"Doctor what is going on here?"
D: Yes, Mel's genius IQ. Never forgotten.
N: It's a good question. What is going on?
A: Well, in the beginning, the Universe was created, and this has made a lot of people very angry...
N: Skip a bit! Skip a bit!
A: On a Thal space station on the outskirts of their territory, an agressive ship is attacking with energy beams. The station shields are kaput, so Nadar is preparing for borders. The Doctor is trying to fix the distress beacon to actually get it working.
D: Where's the Thal technician? He should be helping, so where's he gone?
A: For therapy. Nadar's looks can be soul destroying.
N: Why hasn't Mel worked this out herself?

The Doctor continued his work as he replied: "We're under attack!"
D: I'm not surprised he ignores her. Christ, how thick is she?

Mel glared menacingly at him: "Who is WE Doctor?"
N: What the fuck? Is this some "who's we, paleface?" gag? Are the monsters actually Mel?
A: Is that really Mel? Why can't she work that out for herself? DODO could have worked that out? Why the intimidation?
D: Surely Mel would be trying to help people? When did she stop being so utterly trusting?
N: Maybe it's her time of the month.
D: ...yuk.
A: Impossible. Look at Mel. She can't have reached puberty yet!
D: You're just used to Peri.
N: By "Peri" I assume you mean "normal human beings"?

The Doctor stopped for a moment as if forcing himself to recall something he had forced to the back of his mind.
A: "As if". So, he might not ACTUALLY have forced this to the back of his mind?
N: Why would he do that anyway?
D: Well, would YOU want to remember Planet of the Daleks?
N: True.
A: Plus, this way he can act surprised when the Daleks turn up.
N: What? You're suggesting that some unspecified monsters in a Dalek story called Reformation of the Daleks invading a space station of Thals might be Daleks?
D: Might be.
N: Bullcrap...

"Those people are Thals. They're involved in a kind of eternal war with a species that evolved on their home planet."
A: "Kind of eternal war"? How exactly does it differ from an eternal war?
D: Surely by now, EVERYONE is involved in it?

"So this is all over a world then?"
A: "Oh how petty! Doctor, why waste our time with them!"
N: This isn't Mel! It's Spartha fucking Jones.
D: Grow up, numbnuts!
N: Say that again and I'll explain to your parents HOW your genitals ended up in the microwavea!

The Doctor put down his tools and answered:
D: Tools? What tools?
A: Why can't he talk AND work at the same time?

"In a way.
N: "Since the Daleks are genetically programed to wipe out the Thals so the Thals are fighting for survival with no choice whatsoever."
D: "Oh, Doctor, how common."

The Thals certainly want their world back... but I'm afraid their rivals wouldn't even consider sharing this corner of the galaxy with them, let alone a single planet."
A: Why so coy? It's the bleedin Daleks innit?
N: Why do the Thals want Skaro back? It's a radioactive cinder hanging in Spain!
D: Space.
N: Space! The question still stands.
D: Thals are morons. This was obvious earlier on in the song.

Suddenly the station shook in such a ferocious manner that The Doctor gave up on his task, knowing it was too late.
A: ...what? He judges futility on vibrations now does he?
D: The Doctor doesn't give up! This is the Sixth Doctor, the most stubborn, bloody minded of the lot! He'd still get the beacon working even if they fought off the oh-so-mysterious aggressors.
N: Why not use the fucking TARDIS?
A: He wants the Thals to die?
D: I know I do.

"Well Doctor did you send that transmission?"
D: Gah! Who is that?

"I'm sorry Commander,
A: It's a Commander, but I'm not sure which one...
N: It could be Nadar!
D: My brain hurts.

there wasn't enough power to counteract the intense jamming," The Doctor sighed.
N: "Plus my brain-dead pre-menstrual bitch companion needed the backstory explained to her."
A: "Oh well. Do you think she understands it now?"
N: "Not really."
A: "Damn!"

"Oh well then Doctor, we'll just have to do the best we can.
D: Is this guy on tranquilizers? He's not remotely upset that they are completely defenseless against the Daleks and there is no hope of rescue.
A: You don't know that.
D: Know what?
A: That the Daleks are involved!
N: Ahem. The microwave is just over there, people...

We haven't had time to properly fortify this level. There just hasn't been enough time.
A: You just said, you had "fitting time to prepare a welcome"! LIAR!

They attack without warning," The Commander snapped.
D: Snapped? Why is he snappy? What's up with his mood swings?
N: Maybe he's PMS as well.
A: "He"?
N: Maybe it's a different Commander, who's a woman.
A: A stupid woman. The "monsters" waited five minutes into the episode before attacking. How much warning to do you need?
D: With these idiots? At least three years training.

Across the bay,
All: What bay?

a shower of sparks reigned inwards
All: Huh?

and a section of the hull was blown in.
D: So the space station doesn't, for example, have an airlock?

In slid three pepper-pot shaped objects.
A: You think these could be Daleks?
N: No way! No fucking way! Who'd think it?!

"What are they?"
"DALEKS Mel, get down!" The Doctor shouted.

A: Uh, when did the Doctor and Mel head for the combat area and then stand around in front of the combat area?
N: I assume it was Mel asking who the Daleks were, since the Thals should sort of know already.
D: Except they're complete morons.
N: Mel really is a moron, isn't she? Surely she should realize that the pepper-pot shaped objects are the ones attacking the station and thus bad news?
A: Maybe if the Doctor hadn't been so coy about the Thals enemies and named them in the first place, shouting "DALEKS" might have got a reaction. He might as well have said "Oompa-Loompas" for all the relevance it has.
N: Oompa-Loompas are scary.
A: Why are we supposed to be surprised? We're on a Thal space station in a story where Thals have gone to Skaro announcing they are worried about Daleks, and then the unnamed ancient enemy of the Thals attacks, but we're apparently shocked when it turns out it was a Dalek!
N: Reformation of the Magnodons doesn't have the same ring...

The Thals had laid various crates across the floor to provide cover and obstructions from The Daleks.
D: The Daleks get their own unnecessary capitalization now?!
A: How did they know the Daleks would break in through that part of the hull rather than use the front door?
N: They must have "DALEKS! ATTACK HERE" painted on that bit of the hull.

"Fire!" Nadar ordered.
N: Verbal orders? Pah! In ze good old days, he would have just given The Look!
D: Enough of the damn capitals!

Partially concealed across the bay The Doctor and Mel watched the conflict.
D: So they managed to get from right in front of the Daleks to the back of the bay in one second without anyone shooting them?
N: Why aren't they being targeted if they're not properly concealed?
A: Why didn't the Doctor tell everyone to get into the TARDIS and escape?

The armed Thals fired but their beams deflected off the casings of The Daleks.
D: So there are unarmed Thals?
A: And the eternal war between the Thals and the Daleks hasn't involved the Thals building lasers that actually HURT the Daleks? How come they aren't extinct yet?

The Daleks mowed down the first wave of resistance and slid onwards.
N: Hah! Why didn't the Thals just put down some throw rugs and stop the Daleks in their tracks?
A: What? Like they were in the first scene?
N: Maybe throw rugs can affect time itself?
D: Shut up!
N: What?
D: You're being more interesting than the story!

As the level was evacuated, nobody noticed that the fallen Thals had begun to stir.
A: Except the Daleks, who shot them again.
D: Maybe the Daleks weren't trying to kill them. They weren't saying "Exterminate" were they?
A: Typical. The one thing Daleks are supposed to say, and the author forgets.
N: Wait a minute. The Daleks burst into the bay, shoot all the armed guards, then politely wait for everyone to flee? Why not shoot them as they stand?
A: Morons. They're ALL morons!

Solak was the first to slide into the bunker. His blaster drawn he studied his environment. Solak signalled and his fellow Thals were immediately at his side.
D: OK... Solak has a blaster that draws his environment and his fellow Thals turn up like a Genie.
A: My brain is shutting down... Why study the environment?
N: Maybe it's coming onto him.
A: Damn it, these Thals are obsessed!

"There must be hundreds of miles of these trenches!
N: Trenches?! They're in the bunker, it must be miles away from the trenches?
D: Haven't the millennia and Daleks got rid of them yet?

What on Skaro are they for?"

Nadar smirked at the boy's ignorance:
A: Ah! The Look! Flee!
N: Why the hell are they sending a boy, an ignorant boy, to go deep into Dalek territory?
D: Thals are morons.

"Didn't you read history Solak?
D: "Uh, no. I've been busy fighting the eternal war, thirsty merc."
A: I'm sorry, Thals have universities? In the middle of an eternal war?
D: What history do they teach? "The Daleks beat the shit out of us. A lot." How do you write an essay on that?
N: Nick Briggs could do it.
A: And another scary thought.

The war lasted thousands of years
N: No, it lasted a few centuries. A thousand years of war and a thousand year war are two different things.
D: I find it credible Thals would make such a mistake considering they're all freaking morons.

- a hang over from the Kaled age
A: Is he still talking about the war?

and a perfect defence network for the enemy to protect the entry points to their capital."
N: But the bunker ISN'T in the capitol. It's miles away. So why do the trenches lead there?
A: Why the fuck wasn't this discussed BEFORE they left the ship?

They began to move off when Solak suddenly jumped back from around a corner.
N: What was he doing around a corner?
A: Cowering from Nadar's university education.
D: "Respect my authority, I have a degree!"
N: Seriously, I will use that microwave.

All: SHIT!
A: Wow, Daleks on Skaro, in a story called Reformation of the Daleks, after we've already seen Daleks attacking!
D: I know. Unbelievable!

"They are fully outfitted combat models Commander, they can't be stopped with conventional weapons," The Doctor argued.
A: Arguing? Why is anyone disagreeing with him?
D: "I reject this reality you speak of, Doctor, and substitute one of my own."
N: Why don't the Thals notice the Daleks are "fully outfitted"? Why the hell are they using conventional weapons?
D: Obviously, the morons assumed any Daleks that would attack would not be fitted for combat.
N: Why would they assume that?
D: Well, clearly they believe the Daleks are as retarded as they are.

Nadar glared at him
N: Behold! THE LOOK!

and shouted an order meant for all the crew:
A: As ever, the passengers did fuck all.

"I will not abandon this station.
D: ...that's not an order. That's a statement of intent.

Every person on this station will defend it to the death!"
A: And every person on this station told Nadar to shove it up his arse.
N: "And the survey says: fuck off".
D: What exactly does Nadar think is going to happen? The station is compromised, the weapons are useless and the enemy are killing everyone. What is the best case scenario?
A: The Daleks get bored and leave for someone vaguely worth exterminating?
D: What a brilliant tactical genius Nadar is.
N: Nadar hasn't given The Daleks The Look yet. He's holding that in reserve.
A: Man, imagine if Nadar was in the new series. The Delta Wave wouldn't have got a mention.
D: "If Nadar gives you The Look, every living thing dies!"

The Daleks moved closer, cutting down any opposition.
N: Huh? So the Doctor and Nadar are yelling at each other right in front of the firing line?
D: So judging from the opposition, that means the Thals are going with the "defend to the death" option.
A: Seriously, WHY aren't they extinct yet?

"You will surrender," a grating voice called out.
D: I assume that's a Dalek talking.
N: It could be Mel. Have we seen her lately?
A: No doubt the decay into Spartha Jones involves the voice becoming grating. Like the Mara.

Nadar raised his blaster but was cut down before he could fire.
N: Nadar! You fool! Why didn't you give them The Look!
A: Why did he raise his useless blaster which he knew was useless anyway?
D: He must have been trying to give the Daleks a false sense of security before Looking.
N: Thank God there's another Nadar to avenge him!
D: "Avenge me, Nadar! AVENGE ME!!"

A Dalek moved right up to The Doctor and studied him with its eye-stalk.
A: I notice that the Thals aren't firing at the Daleks. Have they decided to abandon the "defend to the death thing"?
D: My God, they're EVOLVING!

"This violence is unnecessary!"
"What did you say?" asked The Doctor.
"Violence is unnecessary," it repeated.

N: Where does RTD get off thinking his writing is better than this?
D: Is it the Dalek talking now?
A: What violence? Didn't everyone just surrender?

"But you just killed him!" Mel shouted.
N: Agh! She's like the Chesire fucking Cat!
A: Is she stupidly running up to the armor-plated killing machines?
D: Why?
A: It'd mean she's acting more like Mel.

"He is stunned. The crew of this station will be returned to New Skaro but this station that infringed on our territory will be destroyed," The Dalek explained.
N: See? That's why the Daleks weren't saying exterminate.
A: Why, pray tell, did the Daleks attack without warning?
N: Why, pray tell, do the Thals want to reclaim Skaro when they have New Skaro, a non-radioactive mudball, for themselves?
D: Why, pray tell, do the Thals want to fight the Daleks if the Daleks are happy to let them keep to their territory?
N: Maybe the Doctor was just wrong, hmmm?
A: It doesn't explain why the Thals build an outpost on Dalek territory, then get surprised when Daleks attack, plus ensuring they have no weapons capable of harming them.
D: Clearly the Thals are morons.
A: Lying morons. Nadar was trying to get the Doctor all sympathetic by lying...
N: Stop doing the author's work for him!

"Daleks showing mercy!" The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
A: Wow, he's quick off the mark tonight, isn't he?

"You are The Doctor? Your image in on file!
D: So... why did you ask?
N: Maybe he thought it could be Maxil?

We are not savages Doctor.
N: Is that the Nation Estate I hear sharpening their knives?
A: I think it's the sound of anyone with a brain sharpening their knives. Even if the Daleks have reformed, they wouldn't act like this! Just storm the station, stun everyone and don't give them a choice - it's more efficient, and safer. What has reduced the Daleks to a self-justifying pack of goons?
D: Being written by Ron Mallet, I guess...

This station will be removed from our space but at the loss of no lives."
N: "Apart from all those killed in the bombing."
A: "Shut up, Zeg! I'm trying to prove a point."

The Doctor looked across the deck to see the crew beginning to rise, battered but still alive.
A: The passengers had still not done a damn thing.
N: So, the Daleks stunned EVERYONE except the Doctor and Mel, THEN asked for surrender?
D: Jesus Christ...

"Who is this Thal?" Another Dalek asked.
"It is not a Thal it is The Doctor!"

D: Weren't you paying attention? Why is this being padded by repetition?

"This is unexpected. I will converse with The Emperor,"
A: So, there's The Doctor, The Daleks, The Emperor, The Commanders but not "The Thals". This is racism.
D: Racism in a Dalek story. Unbelievable.

The Black Dalek announced
A: And even The Black Dalek gets capitalized! DISCRIMINATION!
N: Wait a minute! The grey Daleks are lead by a Supreme, not an Emperor!
D: I hope Ron knows how to fight off John Peel and Nicholas Briggs.
N: I hope he doesn't.

as he made his way back through the make-shift airlock.
D: His? I thought Daleks were "it".
A: Where did the Black Dalek spring from anyway?
N: Same place as Mel did.

"Unexpected yes..." The Doctor mused.
"Sorry Doctor?"

A: Assuming that's Mel, she SHOULD be sorry! She's been no help whatsoever and pretty much sabotaged the Doctor's activity at every opportunity.
N: If I was optimistic, I'd say Mel was a Dalek spy.
D: "Optimistic"?
N: Well, it'd be interesting.

"Stay here Mel. This bears closer inspection!"
D: No, it doesn't.
N: Daleks turned good? Surely it's work checking out.
D: But that means more of this story.
A: Why doesn't the Doctor ask the nearest Dalek instead of running out after the Black Dalek?
N: Well, he's avoiding Mel, isn't he?
D: I wish we could do that as easily. Can we stop now?
A: Well, it IS the end of part one.
N: What a rubbish cliffhanger. Still, that evokes the home era enough.
D: I bet it was a close up of Colin Baker's face.
A: Giving us The Look!

to be continued...


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Wow. I wouldn't have thought that MST3K would work so well in text form, but you have really turned me around. This cracked me right up.

In fact, if I'm honest I probably found this a bit funnier than most MST3K because

a) No jokes about obscure American mid-90s look-a-likes.

b) With Dave, Nigel and Andrew there a clear-cut personalities that we're familiar with. (One of the things that irks me in MST3K is that I think they just write jokes, rather than jokes for the characters.)

And my god that is some awful fan-fic...

Youth of Australia said...

Yes. I'm worried part two will be as amusing... it just gets more and more awful...