Monday, March 24, 2008

Mirror rorriM

Tangent: Earth II
by Ron Mallett
Andrew: Wow. Earth II, anyone remember that?
Dave: That was gross. People were like eating snot left by aliens...
Andrew: Well, as this is a tangent Earth II, it should be a lot less gross.
Nigel: And hopefully free of what if Pertwee fanwank...

"You're UNIT's scientific advisor!" The Doctor gasped.
D: Yes. Yes, he is.
N: He just TOLD you that!
A: This incarnation isn't really one who can honestly say "Don't kill me, I'm a genius", is he?
D: Maybe his new catchphrase will be "Don't kill me, I can state the bleeding obvious seconds after it has been pointed out to me in the most infantile manner possible!"
N: But the Ice Warriors weren't impressed and killed him.
D: And then the Seventh Doctor - who wasn't a total loser - was born.
A: Happy times, happy places.

"Don't tell me you know me as well..." The Master then seemed to become aware of something... as if he could sense a buzzing in his head.
N: But it just turned out it was that neverending drum beat. As usual.
D: "Seems" "as if"... that does it. This is now, officially a drinking game!
A: As 'new Doctor meeting old Time Lord chum' scenes go, this is not as good as Twin Dilemma.
N: Or even The Armageddon Factor.
D: Drax rules.

"But he shouldn't be here Doctor," Peri insisted.
N: Uh, why?
A: Because the plot's crowded enough!
D: Still, how does Peri know that? Just after we've established she's in a different universe!
A: Maybe she's wondering why the Master is alive when this universe is identical to the old one in everything but loose change?

The Doctor waved her silent
D: He can't even SPEAK to her now.
N: Did I mention this Doctor is contemptibly, detestibly dull?
A: Yes. You did.
N: Well, I'm right. As usual.

and then took The Master's hands and placed them on his chest.
D: Slash fiction! Alert! SLASH FICTION!
N: "Master, let us put aside our mindless hatred and have a hot rubbery shower!"

The Master stepped back, quite clearly startled.
N: "Get off me, homo!"
D: Charles Daniels strikes again!
A: So, in this version, he finds out he's gay straight away instead of half way through his second story.
D: Is that an improvement?
N: It's vaguely interesting. In a story like this, it's character gold. Joe Lidster quality material.

"You may remember me as Theta-Sigma!" The Doctor explained.
N: Yeah. Coz everyone remembers people by their college nicknames.
D: If the Master is in this universe, there must be the Doctor as well. Why not say, "Hey, it's the Doctor!"
A: It'd be anarchy if I went around using my high school nickname.
N: Yep. "I'd like to open a bank account. You may remember me as Maddog!"
A: That wasn't my nickname!
D: Yes it was.
A: Oh yeah. It was. Heh. Crazy.

The Master shook his head.
A: So the Doctor tried again!
D: "You may remember me as Doctor Who!"
N: "You may remember me as Snail!"
D: "You may remember me as Johan Schmidt!"
N: "You may remember me as the venerable Quiquaquod!"
A: "You may remember me from such buttkickings as Traken, Braah, Draconia and Terserus!"
D: Yeah, if the Master looks like Tremas, he must have got Tremas' body from Traken, so he must a) have got all burnt and wrinkly b) tried to take over the source and c) failed. How could ANY of that happen without the Doctor or at least someone like him?
N: Obviously, this is the BBV universe where characters like Solomon, Dominie, the Foot Doctor and the Wanderer are buzzing around the place like flies defeating Autons, Sontarans, Cyberons, Krynoids and other such non-BBC-copywritable menaces. That explains why Benton isn't around, he's too busy facing ghosts in Wartime and stuff. ...what?
D: Has it ever been pointed out to you that you're a total obsessive.
N: Only from my bitches as I make them scream for more.

"It seems I never existed in this universe...
D: Seems?! DRINK!
A: Dude, it "seems" like the Master doesn't know who you are. THAT'S it. Maybe you just went to different classes or something...
N: On the other hand, these kind of sweeping and clearly false statements plucked out of the air ring true for a newborn Sixth Doctor.
D: Bet it's not supposed to be a 'clearly false statement', just Mallet being stupid.

actually I find that rather insulting!" The Doctor concluded.
A: ...yes. Yes, how dare the multiverse not have a version of the Sixth Doctor.
N: What do you mean? I don't even want THIS version of the Sixth Doctor, let alone others.

"In this universe! What do you mean?" The Master demanded.
N: Hmmm. Two people you've never met claim you should know them, then announce they don't exist in this universe. What do they mean? WHAT DO YOU BLOODY RECKON?!
D: You'd think a Time Lord would be a bit open minded, sorta like the end of Blink.

The Brigadier wandered in:
A: 'Wandered'? What, was he just passing?
N: Maybe he was looking for the toilet?
D: Maybe he's senile what with not retiring when he needed a break?
A: "Where am I, Johnny? Why don't the grandchildren visit any more?"

"Well Master, what do you make of them?"
D: Dude, he's been in there for thirty seconds and you expect a total enemy profile?
A: "Frankly, Brigadier, I don't give a damn."
N: "What do I make of them? The blond guy cops a feel and the girl deserves one!"
D: "Apparently they don't exist in this universe... so... chill. Not our problem."
N: And am I the only one a little bit, you know, put out that the Brig refers to the Master as "Master".
A: Even ASIDE the kinkiness implicit, in Face of the Enemy we learn the Brig doesn't call him that because even calling him 'Master' is a mini defeat.
N: I bet Mallet never read Face of the Enemy. Probably freaked out when people weren't "seeming" to do stuff.

The Master cleared his throat, perhaps to give himself time to think of what was best to reply
D: Perhaps? More needless uncertainty! DRINK!
A: The Master's sure subtle in hiding his intentions.
N: You know, Pertwee Doc would have told the Brig to piss off and come back later...
D: This Master sucks. He should be called the Bitch.

"I think this Doctor could be useful in my work.
A: Explain thy working behind that conclusion.
N: The Master wants some Jack-and-Ianto style stuff with the Sixth Doctor.
A: Tragically, that's about the only explanation that makes sense.

So too his assistant.
N: "So she can WATCH!"

Brigadier I'd like you to release them both into my custody."
A: You still haven't explained why thirty seconds has made you trust these people so much, nor explained why they are useful.
N: Or 'your work', which you probably should be getting back to.
D: Yeah, isn't there a global emergency on at the moment?
A: Damn senile dementia.

The Brigadier looked shocked and then not a little suspicious but clearly wanted to cooperate with The Master.
N: Hey, poofter! Nice characterization!
A: This is all described via body language. Which might - MIGHT - work on TV. But not in text.
D: Is the Master supposed to be in charge of this? The Doctor wouldn't be allowed to do that without an explanation!
N: Oh, so the Master's evil. Another brain-splintering difference between the universes...

He was obviously his trump card he held up his sleeve when things got tough.
N: Obviously. What are we talking about?
A: Not sure. I think the Master has an ace up his sleeve.
D: What? Ace is in this as well?!
A: I don't get this at all. Why does the Brig act like the Master's gofer if they don't trust each other? And, OK, maybe the Master DOES have good reason to think the Doc and Peri can help - wouldn't it be sensible for the Brig to be on the same page?
N: The Master's clearly sick of explaining it over and over to Alzhiemers Gorden Lethbridge-Stewart...
D: "Who are you again, Johnny?"

"Alright. But they aren't to leave your company,
N: That's what "in my custody" means, you MORON!
D: "Huh? Did I already say that? Where are my pills? By gum!"

let alone UNIT HQ without my permission," The Brigadier ordered.
N: Sweet Slitheen droppings, this is the most ineffective UNIT leader ever! Even Chrichton kicked more ass!
D: I'm getting no reason to want this universe to live happily ever after.
N: I have not seen a single person in this story that deserves to live.
A: What about... no. No, I haven't either.
D: Even the Gorrillas suck.
N: What gorillas?
A: Exactly!

"Of course."
The Brigadier turned and left, leaving the door wide open.
A: Liberty Hall, Dr Tyler! LIBERTY HALL!
N: Senile bastard.

The Master walked over and pressed it closed.
D: "Pressed it close"? That sounds naughty.
A: Maybe the words "to the door" and "a button" are missing?
N: Why not just have the Brig I dunno, CLOSE THE DOOR in the first place?
A: Because this shows the Master wants to be alone with the Doctor and Peri.
D: That sounds VERY naughty.
N: "OK, bitches, daddy saved your ass so daddy wants sugar!"
D: "Leave the girl, it's the man I want!"
A: Uncool...

The Master waited until The Brigadier was out of ear shot before he spoke again:
D: Can the Brig hear through a cell door? That's closed?
A: Surely the cell would be being monitored?
N: Maybe not. If the Doctor's wearing his coat, it might have blown out the camera.
A: Except he's still in the cricket whites according to the photos.
D: What ever happened to his hat, though?
N: It's still in his pocket, isn't it?
A: Shouldn't we be like, I dunno, reading the rest of the story?
D&N: No.

"Have you been exiled as well?"
D: I take it the Master has twigged that there's another Time Lord in the room?
N: What gave it away? The low body temperature? The slower rate of breathing? The double heart beats?
A: I dunno, I think if I were the Master - and therefore so incomprehensibly stupid as to not pick up on the parallel universe vibe - I'd be more interested in why such strange people knew who I was but not that I work for UNIT.
N: Yeah, well, you're wierd.
D: You have your own intelligence.
N: You must be destroyed.

"I have been in the past old chap.
A: "Old chap"? Give me strength!
N: Ronny, the ONE Doctor you like! The ONE Doctor you'd give the time of day to! AND YOU GET HIM SO WRONG, YOU ENCAPHALITIC DONKEY GONAD!
D: Yeah, Doctor, pointlessly tell him about the Pertwee era. It's so relevant and necessary to the plot the story will fall apart without it.
A: A clue?
N: No.

But as I said we crossed the boundaries of reality," The Doctor explained.
D: "As you said"? You bloody liar!
A: You said you didn't exist in this universe, you said nothing about reality. Or crossing the boundaries thereof.
D: Uh, where are they now? Reality. So they haven't actually crossed the boundary of reality if they're still inside.
A: Maybe they doubled back?
N: Maybe the writer's an idiot!

The Master paced the floor rather excitedly:
D: Coz, you know, normally he paces like he doesn't give a shit.
A: The idea of anyone pacing with excitement is so novel it needs to be explained in depth.
N: The Master. Pacing. Bollocks.
A: Maybe the drums are pretty loud today.
D: Ah, different universe. This Master might not hear the drums.
A: OK, maybe the guitar solo is pretty loud today.

"They've taken my dematerialisation circuit you know
D: No, we didn't. But thanks for telling us.
N: If they took your dematerialization circuit... how did you get to Earth? If you turned up without a TARDIS, it's pretty random to bitch about a circuit when the REST of the ship was stolen.
D: "You can take my freedom! You can take my TARDIS! BUT NO ONE TAKES MY CIRCUIT!!"
A: The Master STILL hasn't confirmed that the Doctor's a Time Lord. All he knows is that this nutter has been exiled once - which could have been by anyone - and thinks he's in another universe. And if he DOES think the Doctor is a Time Lord ex-exile... why doesn't he ask him how he got parole?
N: Why doesn't he pull out a gun and say, "take me to your working TARDIS!"
A: Maybe he doesn't have a gun? Maybe he's not evil?
N: He could ASK!

and erased my memory so as to make it virtually impossible to make another - although I've been trying!"
A: Is this the info he didn't want the Brigadier to hear? But is happy enough to tell some complete stranger? If you're THAT paranoid, shouldn't you be worried this is UNIT tricking you into revealing your secrets with two actors?
D: How come UNIT haven't already noticed he uses all his time to repair his TARDIS?
N: Maybe they're all too senile to notice?
D: And why do you need another circuit if you don't have a TARDIS?
A: In this universe they don't just put in a safety-feature that even if he gets the TARDIS working it is programmed to take him straight back to the planet of exile?
D: Ooh, ANOTHER difference! That's what, three very minor differences?
N: Assuming it's SUPPOSED to be a difference and not Mallett screwing up basic Pertwee era plotpoints.
D: Why are we in this Pertwee celebration anyway? New Doctor, do something new!
A: Another point for The Twin Dilemma, it certainly paved the way for the awful Sixth Doctor era.
D: Which was awful.
N: But not Colin Baker.
D: Fuck no, he rocks. Everything else, however, was frozen in place.
N: By the Spunk of Levine.
A: That most detestible of substances!

"I know exactly how..."
N: ... how? How what?
A: "How you feel?"
D: "How to get out of this?"
A: "How to make a truly magnificent macaroni and cheese dish for two?"
N: "How rubbish this story is and the writer should be taken out and shot?"

The Doctor began before he fell to the floor and began spasiming.
A: Ah. "I know exactly how to block out the pain of this stupid plot!"
D: Too... much... stupidity... brain cannot cope!
N: Right there with you Doc.
A: "Spasiming"? Is he having a "spasim" is he?
N: For the love of Lazarus, does this guy have spell check!
D: I note that the Doctor isn't having the interesting mood swings, just that convulsion in The Two Doctors.
N: I swear to god, I will have The Twin Dilemma on my shelf with pride. We have proof, it is not that bad!
A: Well, remember, it was only the worst OFFICIAL story. Dimensions in Time is really the worst.
D: Is Dimensions in Time worse than this?
N: ...well...
A: ...let's find out.

"Has he been unwell?" The Master asked Peri as he knelt beside his fellow Time Lord.
N: Uh, he's unwell NOW, you moron! Get him in the recovery position!
A: As questions go, that was just... stupid! "Has this happened before?" would make sense. "Do you know if he has any medication?" would be pretty sensible.
D: "Hey, can YOU show me where the TARDIS is?" would be downright genius at a point like this!

Peri still had reservations about trusting someone who she knew at least in another reality was a galactic criminal:
D: A sort of "galactic gangster" you might say? If you were American? And Peri? Who called him a gangster?
N: Trusting? He's not asking you to trust him, Peri! He's asking you if the Doctor's been sick lately!
A: And the Doctor trusts him enough to chat amicably about being from another universe, so, there's a precedent for assuming he's not a complete psycho who will eat you.
N: Maybe Peri just wants the Doctor to "spasim" to death.
A: Who can blame her?
D: Strangle him and make sure.

"He's been a bit pale since his..."
"You don't mean he's only just regenerated!

N: Yikes! Random or what?
A: She could have said "appendectomy" for all he knew.
D: Or "sex change".
N: Joanna Lumbley, take your chance!
A: Maybe the Master noticed the Doctor is wearing the cricket whites for someone smaller to him, and what with him being a "spasiming" Time Lord put two and two together?

If only I could access my TARDIS
N: Oh, if only.
A: See how Mallet cunningly has the Master make this gratuitous statement rather than say, mention earlier in the conversation his TARDIS was inaccessible. Coz, you know, that would require a realistic conversation to deliver.
N: And yes, the Master suddenly seems to know without being told that Peri knows what a TARDIS is.
D: Even though she's from another universe.
A: They could be called SIDRATs where she's from.

- he could recuperate in my zero room.
D: Yeah. He could. If we knew what was wrong with him.
A: But why is he showing symptoms now instead of, uh, the moment he left the TARDIS?
N: Since the Master doesn't know the Doctor zapped his own zero room... why not take him back to the Doctor's TARDIS?
D: So he can steal it, maybe?
A: Even if he's a good Master... come to think of it, why choose a name like Master if you're nice?
D: Yeah, why not the Sherrif?
N: The Sherrif is good.
D: Yeah. That'd be an interesting difference.
A: Starring Keith Allan as the Sherrif. Whose name, if you spell it wrong, is an anagram of "No one is camper than Simms? A clue: no."

But The Brigadier has placed a guard on it ever since... well that doesn't matter.
D: If it didn't matter, why mention it? This Master is clueless!
N: Oooh! So the Master's been right dodgy and the Brig doesn't trust him!
A: Except he's allowed to hang around in prisons with suspicious characters under no scrutiny whatsoever, and can make sweeping decisions with no justification.
N: I'm surprised the Brig remembered the mysterious incident long enough to post a guard.
A: Or that the guard remembered why he was there.
D: The more we read, the worse it gets, the worse it gets, the more I drink...

If I ask to take him there I'll be telling them he's a brother Time Lord which I don't think is a good idea.
N: "Brother Time Lord"? What the fuck...? What? This is the Master, not Omega!
D: WHY are you telling us this?
A: Yeah, maybe if the Doctor was able to talk they could discuss this, but he's trying to explain the whole plot to Peri without letting her get a word in edgeways! Why couldn't Peri ask him to tell the Brig and THEN get get told this all? Would that REALLY be difficult.

Look, help me get him onto the bunk child. He needs rest!"
D: The Master isn't even strong enough to carry the Doctor! What a wuss!
A: I mean, come on, Colin Baker's not that heavy... is he?
N: Surely he can rest just as well where he is? Face down in the slop bucket?
D: Won't he drown?
N: Respiratory bypass.
D: Oh.

Outside the door, The Brigadier was listening with interest.
N: ... Dave.
D: Yeah?
N: Pass me the bottle.
A: This is un-fucking-believable. Not only do we have the Master being so stupid as to reveal all his secrets, we have the Brig overhear them by LISTENING AT THE DOOR! No bugging devices, nothing! And what happens if the Master suddenly opens the door? Is the Brig going to have an explanation for listening? Why not get another soldier there to listen? Why didn't the Master hear the Brigadier breathing outside the door?
D: I don't know! I DON'T KNOWWW!!

The Triad were meeting again.
A: What were they doing in the meantime? Checking their emails?
D: Having REALLY long toilet breaks, like Austin Powers after defrosting?

"Tobok, do you think that is wise?" Jutzhar asked.
A: What chutzpah, Jutzhar, to ask a question like that!
D: Um, forgive me, but I thought an Eocene wouldn't get to BE in the Triad unless they were a tad smart.
A: Maybe...
D: Even if this IS another universe, you don't get to be top of the totem pole without some qualifications.
A: Unless this is the Eocene equivalent of Ronald Reagan.
N: Not George Bush?
A: 1984, dude.
N: Oh yeah.

"The humans must understand we can not be easily defeated. That we pose a real threat - then and only then will they respect us," he explained.
A: ... no. That isn't wise.
N: I can confirm that, that is NOT wise.
A: So, this race that doesn't know you exist or have any reason to want you to share the planet and most likely capable of destroying the handful of you awake, and YOU want to piss it off and start a fight.
D: The Doctor wouldn't waste an insult on humans before shooting these bastards dead.

"Remember the message Jutzhar," Myrak reminded him, "the humans are not to be trusted."
"But how do we know we can trust the broadcaster of that signal?" Jutzhar contested.
D: Wow. Jutzhar's doing our job for us!

"We don't. But it is clear to me that these humans are a threat and they must be taught who are the true masters of Earth.
A: Exactly why are they a threat? They don't know you're there. A check of the media would find out that they care for the less fortunate and can overcome racial intolerance, they even care about the environment. Surely there should be an ATTEMPT to make contact?
D: They didn't in The Silurians, did they?
N: No, but this lot are the boss, not a distant outpost struggling to work out what's happened. They've checked the media, they know what they're dealing with and they want to start a fight! Even Morka wouldn't be that psycho with the cards stacked against them that badly!

Awaken a legion of Sea-Devils and have them collect the creature who communicated with us!"
N: How are they going to do that? You don't know who it is!
A: Maybe they'll act like they're at an airport or something and have cardboard signs saying CREATURE WHO COMMUNICATED WITH THE TRIAD or APE PRIMITIVE WITH CRYSTAL SET?
D: Seriously, that would be at the very least interesting to see.
A: How do they know the creature will be near the beach? The Sea Devils can't come too inshore or they'll dehydrate!
N: Come to think of it, where is this Devil Legion? At the bottom of the Atlantic? Surely it'll take a while for them to swim all the way to Britain's shore... to look for someone who they have no idea of appearance, location or motivation... sweet jesus, this has to be an even dumber plan than Davros' "trick the Doctor into curing a virus with a bunch of androids and crude psychology" masterplan!

The Doctor came round, looking up into the rather concerned face of The Master.
N: Ah, but it only SEEMED to be concerned.
A: The Master looks concerned!
N: That is not funny.
A: My bad. So I take it the Doctor stopped "spasiming" and fell unconscious?

"I... what happened?"
N: One I in one breath makes... I give up.
A: That's it. Ask the Master. Don't even look around to see if Peri's all right.
D: Yeah, what if this universe causes her to start "spasiming" too.
N: She'd jiggle a bit. Yeah. That could work.
A: Down, Verkoff, down you mongrel!

"My friend you are not well.
A: He's a bit familiar, isn't he?
N: And to think he was recoiling at the Doctor's touch a minute ago.
D: What a creep.

You haven't stabilised yet and crossing the boundaries of reality is no doubt stressful for the healthy!"
A: Why would it be? Why hasn't Peri developed symptoms?
N: The Doctor's shown no signs of instability. Apart from doing completely stupid things and blaming Peri.
D: This Master... is there something wrong with his speech centres? All he can do is exposit unconvincingly.
A: A kind of Time Lord Tourette's.

"I'm... not used to being so weak..."
N: You forgot Celery Boy already?
D: Hey, at least HE wasn't a diseased tool like this git.

The Master patted him on the shoulder in a very matey fashion.
N: "Mmm. Do you work out?"
A: Suddenly the roles are reversed as the Master becomes the dominant sexual force.
D: As his name would imply.
N: I tell you, this kinky Doctor/Master slash is more believable than "mateyness". The Sixth Master might have done it, but only in a cruel, sarcastic way.
D: Even the Jonathon Pryce Master was more credible.

"Why didn't you tell The Brigadier what I was?"
A: Er, why should he?
N: Was he awake enough to hear the pointless discussion earlier? If so, why ask again?
D: If he was talking about before, when the Master locked himself in the cell with them, well, why didn't he ask at the time?
A: Why ask now? Now that we, the audience have reason enough to know why he didn't do it?

The Master chuckled before he replied:
A: Yes, because if you can't laugh at totally retarded plots and characterization then, well, what can you do?
N: Post it on the internet with a pisspoor collection of photo stills and an annoying background TARDIS hum on your shitty little "Sixth Doctor rocks unlike the rest of so-called Doctor Who!" websites?
A: APART from that?
D: I dunno. Script-edit Torchwood?

"The military mind Doctor. How did I not know that they would dissect you now that they have two specimens of our race?
A: Uh, maybe from years in service to humanity and the point if they did that, you might refuse to help them any more?
D: How long has he been UNIT's scientific advisor? Ten years or so? He doesn't know his coworkers at all?
N: Sweet Jesus, I hope he's NOT evil, cause this is just tragic.

The Brigadier is a strict but very kind fellow at heart
A: He's saying the Brigadier is a nice guy. I think.

but some of the politicians he serves..."
A: So, it's not the MILITARY mind you're worried about but the POLITICAL?
D: If the Brigadier is such a good guy, he'd take your side, surely? He would have done that with the Doctor - we know he lies to the UN about the Doctor's status...
N: In Castrovalva, they say a new Doctor can't cope with complicated stuff. So basically the Master is torturing him here. Is this deliberate?
A: Forget the Doctor, he's tortuing US!

Peri coughed to infer that The Brigadier had re-entered the cell.
A: Are these Time Lords deaf? Surely he has to open the door to reenter!
D: So the Brig decides to step inside before they discover he was listening outside? Smart.
N: Smart? In this story it's positively psychostrategic genius!

The heads of both Time Lords turned.

"We have a situation.
A: Who's talking?
D: Peri, hopefully. He owes her some dialogue.

There are reports of... creatures landing at a beach only a few miles from here.
A: How VERY convenient that there happens to be a beach in walking distance of UNIT HQ...
D: ...which is in the middle of Central London last episode...
N: ...and the Sea Devils just happen to arrive at the spot where the only suspect for their target is.
A: You don't mean the Master is summoning Sea Devils in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY he did in 1972's The Sea Devils?
N: Yes. I am doing that thing you have just mentioned.
A: Season 21 with TWO Silurian/Sea Devil stories, huh?
D: I notice Mallet isn't using photos from the 70s stories, not Warriors of the Deep.
A: Coward.
N: I bet he doesn't even bring in the Myrka.

I think they might be connected to that signal we've been detecting."
D: Why?
A: Show your working.
N: Yeah. What have you got, bar coincidence? It's not like the first time alien menaces are double booked.
A: He didn't say it "seems" to be connected.
D: Drink anyway!

The Doctor sat up and swung around.
N: Around what?
D: Peri? Is he strangling her now?
A: What? Is this a way of saying he's done the "instant recuperation thing"?
D: I think Mallett's forgotten the Doctor is supposed to be on death's door.
A: And thus unable to do the "instant recuperation thing".

"Let's go then and take a look Alis... Brigadier!"
N: "Don't call me, Alice, boy! I'M LETHBRIDGE STEWART, BITCH!!"
A: Christ, this is painful.
N: I'm doing my best.
A: Not your jokes, what's inspiring them. Is that supposed to be endearing, Ronny?

The Brigadier looked at The Master.
N: Ooh! Ali G be given him The Look!
D: "Don't be givin me evils!" the Master snaps.

"I'll vouch for him. He could be as equally... effective as me!!!"
N: That just sounds stupid. "As equal as me". I mean, DUH! What do you think he'd be equal to? And Master, great move here. Is your "SHOOT AT ME, I'M DISPENSIBLE!" T-shirt in the wash or something?
A: Dave, seriously, stop drinking so fast, you'll be sick everywhere.

The Brigadier nodded. "Ahh, Miss Brown was it?
N: See? BBV universe. Miss Brown and the Stranger.
D: YEAH! Lesh wash More than a Meshier!
A: Dave, you are so wasted...

Miss Brown I'd like you to stay here under the supervision of Sergeant Calder."
N: Another bomb disposal technician turned UNIT operative. Guess in this universe the Warehouse of Death did not claim as many victims.
A: So, apart from a rewrite of The Twin Dilemma, we have the Silurians and Sea Devils from Warriors of the Deep, the "confused is-it-contemporary-Earth?" scenes from The Awakening, the TARDIS going beyond from Frontios, the soldiers from Ressurection of the Daleks, the Master from Planet of Fire, and the one-man playing both sides against the middle from Caves of Androzani.
N: And a healthy dollop of Pertwee fanwank.
D: Mallet doshent haff much over majeenashun, dosh he?

Peri didn't know why but she felt relieved, perhaps she still didn't like this new Master.
A: So... not even PERI knows why she doesn't like the Master? The same one that's been all sweetness and light?
N: "New Master"? Still looks like Ainley as Kamelion to me.
A: She "still" didn't like this "new Master". So she didn't like him already in comparison to the old one.

As everything appeared to have been settled, The Brigadier strode out.
A: Not wandered out? Actually strode?
N: What's "settled"? You haven't even got Calder in to look after her?
A: Or worked out transport. Or what are you going to do to the creatures. I mean, have they harmed anyone? Are they likely to? Are they armed? Are they all out of the water or what? NOTHING is settled!

Tobok was watching a number of lights blink and flash
N: And then he suffered an epileptic fit! Three eyes, a third worse than a human would have.
A: But when the others saw Tobok "spasiming", they noticed nothing different in his behavior, so no first aid was applied. Thus, Tobok died and someone halfway sensible took over.

as they approached a detailed map of the British Isles.
N: They're approaching a map? Is it on a far wall or something?
A: I automatically assume that the author isn't so stupid that he doesn't mean there's a screen zooming in on a map.
N: A false assumption I fear, Andrew.
A: Yes... where did they get this map from, anyway? Their scanners can't be in such good nick after sixty five million years!
N: Maybe there's a Sea Devil cartographer hastily sketching out a map as he goes?
A: "Might be a few more wharves and a few less elephants, but basically that's what's there..."

"The first Sea-Devils have arrived near the military installation," Jutzhar reported.
N: "How did you know it was a military installation?"
N: "Racist mofos!"

"It seems likely that the military have learnt of our existence and attempted to contact us," Tobok speculated.
D: Seems? DRINK!
N: WHY does it seem likely? Did the signals come from there? Are the military doing anything like that?
A: Hey, hey, Tobok IS speculating...
N: He's talking crap, that's what he's doing!

"Perhaps a faction of this nation's military desires an alliance to end one of the many trivial wars that plague this planet," Myrak suggested.
N: Perhaps. So maybe it'd be a good idea not to kill everyone and start a war right away?
A: I'm sorry, there's absolutely no evidence humanity is behind the reactivation, let alone UNIT Britain! They're working out conspiracies based on an unproven starting point!

Tobok turned to him: "Man will be eradicated from this planet if they threaten us. Then perhaps there will be no more bloodshed!"
N: There's hardly any bloodshed at the moment, you stupid Eocene. That's what the Cold War MEANT.
A: Tobok still seems to think they can win. Is he on crack or something? Your civilization consists of the other two and some Sea Devils - you're not the bloody Cult of Skaro!
N: Do what you reptiles want cause we got the bomb!
A: Two words!
N: Nuclear fucking weaponary! What have you got?
A: The Myrka!
N: Case closed!

The Brigadier was observing The Sea Devils make their way up the beach through his binoculars, standing up on the seat of his jeep.
A: He's a bit old for that sort of thing, isn't he?
N: How does he know they're Sea Devils? Did they politely introduce themselves?
A: Maybe they sprayed their tag on that "MILITARY INSTALLATIONS" sign.
D: Miltirary inchstallashuns?!
A: All right. Trees. But they interrogated a gazelle!

The Doctor was standing beside him, while The Master spoke to an officer.
N: That is one crowded jeep.

"Colonel Archer,
A: Ooh, do you think that is the mysterious officer described?
N: You never can tell. Well, you can. And oh look, another bloke stolen from Season 21.
A: Maybe Ronny was trying to create a youtube animation reconstruction?
D: Maybe... not.

I believe they will be hostile, but as you can see they wear only light armour
N: String vests count as armor?
A: So these are the samurai devils from Warriors then? Mallet can't even get the photos right!
N: And that samurai armor is the same stuff that effortlessly deflects plasma bolts in 2084.
A: Maybe the Master's lying?
N: He'd have to be very convincing for a trained officer to go, "Yep, that quilted armor doesn't look like it could actually work as armor, five rounds rapid."
A: Or said officer very stupid. Or the author incredibly stupid.

and their weapons are likely to be ineffectual when used against mammalian life forms... such as yourselves..."
A: So. Time Lords aren't mammals then.
N: The Master seemed pretty scared of their weapons in The Sea Devils.
A: So either these are completely different weapons coz of the universe difference...
D: ...or the Marshtaz lyin...
N: ...or Mallet is a hack.

Colonel Archer lead his men down onto the beach. The Master returned to the jeep.
A: I thought he was in the jeep!
N: I can't believe the Brig is going along with this. The Sea Devils haven't hurt anyone. You think he'd at least try and talk to them, if only to shout "Surrender or die!"
A: I might say that this Brig has been formed by sixty years in a different universe, but there's no point.

"I think you had better have this," The Brigadier suggested passing him a revolver.
A: Who'd he give that to? The Master? You're giving your untrustworthy and treacherous underling a gun?
N: Maybe he gave it to the Doctor?
A: That's just as stupid! And how can the Brig suggest giving him a gun when he's just done it! It's not a suggestion, it's an order! DON'T YOU READ BOOKS, MALLETT?!

He then resumed his survey of the combat.
N: Combat? They're fighting now?! Why didn't Mallet mention this?
A: Unless the Brig is watching the boxing on the jeep TV screen.
N: Why the hell not?! If you're handing out weapons to people you know who are conspiring against you, watching TV in the middle of the battle is hardly a stretch!

It was not going well.
N: Never were truer words spoken.

A couple of Sea Devils had fallen but the other Sea Devils had managed to effectively blast a corridor right through the middle of Archer's platoon.
A: Has Archer twigged their weapons work against mammals yet?
N: The Sea Devils are trained warriors - surely Archer's platoon would have been dead in three seconds flat!
A: Ah, but these are the Stoner Devils from Warriors. It's a miracle they've shot anyone at all.

"I thought I heard you say they were only wearing light armour!"
N: Archer's woken up then.
A: I'd still be more concerned that they were told the Sea Devil weapons wouldn't be dangerous...

The Master was swift with his response:
A: Not at all suspicious.
N: Gimme the bottle, Dave.
D: No!
N: Give it!
D: No!
D: No! No! No!

"Their hides must be incredibly resistant to damage Brigadier.
N: Oh. So it was the Brig asking it, not Archer.
A: If the Brig heard the Master talk about light armor, didn't he hear the bit about ineffective weapons?
A: He must have forgotten, the senile bastard.

I think you ought to pull your men out of there and regroup down the road."
The Brigadier hurried out to reorganise his troops.

A: Yes. Do what the guy who clearly doesn't trust you, isn't loyal to you or humanity, and has been shown to be totally wrong and sending soldiers to their deaths says. I mean, it's not like the Brigadier could work out how to retreat on his own.

The Doctor picked up The Brigadier's binoculars and studied the battle.
A: Aren't they around the Brig's neck? Doesn't he have his own pocket telescope or something?
N: Give me that goddamned booze, Dave!
D: Nononono!!

"They're Sea Devils! We could be facing a Silurian invasion!"
N: You didn't NOTICE?! Did you have another Spasim and miss all the info! Who did you THINK they were? Zygons?!

"You know them?" The Master asked, sounding surprised.
A: Suprised the idiot didn't recognize them earlier, like when they first arrived.

"Yes. The Brigadier must be advised to negotiate... "
A: He should have done that at the first!
N: "Be advised"? Just negotiate! Don't waste time advising him!

The troops flooded back past the jeep
A: How did they manage this without being fried by the Sea Devils?
N: Ah, the Sea Devils have a strict code, not to fire on a retreating, unarmed or surrendering foe.
A: Lucky escape, Mallett. Next time. NEXT TIME!!!

and one of the soldiers fell as an energy discharge hit him square in the back.
N: Satisfied?
A: Not particularly, no.
N: Me niether. If these Sea Devils are out to kill everyone, they're rubbish!
A: If they're being merciful, they're even more rubbish!

The Doctor leapt from the jeep and went to his side.
N: Well, that's annoying. He's actually doing something in character.
A: Not really, the guy's obviously dead. And the Sixth Doctor doesn't waste his time on corpses if the living are in danger.
N: Oh, yes, that means this story still has 100% success rate as being total shit.
A: Indeed.

From the safety of the jeep The Master raised his revolver and aimed it at the back of The Doctor...
N: Fuck me. The Master is - get this - evil. Another shocking similarity between universes.
A: So, the Brigadier has climbed out of the jeep to help the soldiers retreating, rather than, say, retreating in the jeep. And isn't at all concerned his two alien colleagues are happily hanging in the middle of suspiciously convenient alien incursion.
N: Lucky he gave the Master a gun.
A: If the Master wanted the Doctor dead, why didn't he kill him in the cell? Or tell the Brig that the Doctor and Peri were alien body snatchers and have them executed?

The Sea Devils must have been closer than The Master expected
A: Yeah. Must have been.
N: More uncertainty!

as one deliberately stepped into the line of fire, causing him to lower the weapon.
N: So the Sea Devils deliberately stop humans shooting other humans. Why?
A: So THEY get to shoot humans, obviously.

The Doctor was now busy examining the body of one of the few Sea Devils that had fallen.
N: "Mammals? Fuck em!"
A: So he has managed to run all the way down the beach to the original battle, without anyone trying to stop him, and the Master let him get that far away without trying to shoot him. And when he gets the original battle site, he doesn't check any of the human bodies for help?
D: Dear dear.

While their armour and hides obviously acted as armour,
N: Obviously.

The Brigadier's men
A: Surely they were Archer's men?

had picked up on the fact that their eyes were an Achilles heel.
A: So their eyes... were their heels.
N: So Sea Devils see through their feet.
A: That would explain why they don't wear shoes.
N: But the eyes on their heads are on the side. If the Sea Devil some straiht at you, all you can shoot is their nose!
A: I give up.

"What are you doing with that corpse?" The Senior Sea Devil rasped.
A: "You dirty dirty bastard!" it added.
N: "Do you mind?!" the Doctor snapped at the Senior Sea Devil as he unzipped his stripy tousers...
A: "I was only looking for love!" the Doctor cried.
N: "Senior Sea Devil"? Mallet can't even remember to give a main character a name!

"I thought there might have been a way to save his life but I'm afraid he's dead,"
N: "But a mouth's a mouth, and I've got a few minutes before rigor mortis!"

The Doctor answered simply.
A: Not that simply.
N: Yeah, "I'm trying to help him!" - THAT'S simple.
A: I note he didn't say that if there WAS a way to save the dude, that he'd use it.
N: "There's a way to save his life, but I'm afraid I'm a sadist."
D: How does he know it's a HE? Are Eocenes sexist?
A: Might be. The females are kind of important now they're waging a pointless war against a superior force...
D: Wow. If, if I was a lot drunker... I might think this that this was deliberate!

"Why?" The Sea Devil seemed flabbergasted.
N: "It's still warm..."
D: Seemed? DRINK! DRINK!

"I know of your species. You aren't inherently war-like in the way humans are..." The Doctor admitted.
N: Oh, SMART move! Tell them their enemies are unreasonable killing machines! THAT will be bound to start up negotiations.
A: Surely the Sea Devils are inherently war-like. They're warriors. You don't join the army if you're a total pacifist, do you? And they're the aggressors here!
N: Like his judgement on the Thals. This Doctor is so narrow minded he's blind!

"Take this one. He is to be interrogated," he declared as he turned to confront The Master, but he was gone.
A: "Confront"? Why? Was he pissed off about the gun at the Doctor's back sort of thing?
N: Wow. Leave the Master in a jeep and somehow he vanishes. Amazing.
D: Was the jeep his TARDIS?!
A: And not one of the warriors noticed.
N: Stoned losers.

A mile or so down the road
N: And therefore completely out of danger...

The Brigadier was watching the events through squinted eyes.
N: Guess that's because he left his binoculars behind.
A: Such detail. Unlike the rest of the plot.

"Colonel Archer! Binoculars please... thank you!
A: Yes. That was important. Don't explain huge chunks of the story or why everything is the way it is, but a detail like lost binoculars, that's VITAL!

They've got The Doctor prisoner...
A: He's not bothered about addressing the Doctor like that.
N: I'm surprised he didn't say, "that wretched Doctor fellow".
D: I'm not. Please, let this end.

those... Sea Demons or Devils, whatever they are.
A: How did he hear their name?
N: He heard the Doctor. Colin Baker can shout louder than Brian Blessed when he wants.
A: If he heard it so well, how did he get it wrong?
D: I dunno. Let me sleep.

"The Master is unaccounted for Sir," Archer reported.
A: Yes, well, he would be the one in the combat zone in a jeep.
N: Which you should have been able to see it drive off or dematerialize.
A: Unless the entire UNIT brigade are too shortsighted to see it?

"Damn and blast. Get on the radio to Calder back at UNIT HQ. That's where they're heading. I want them ready."
A: So, the Brig retreated AWAY from the base and left it totally undefended. And only now thinks to warn them.
N: Where did he think they were going beforehand? Carnaby Street?

Calder ordered the radio once more.
A: Order it to do what?
N: Play some decent jazz?
A: Maybe the word "operator" should be included here?
N: What are the odds of that?

"It's dead Sergeant.
A: Dead, Jim?
D: Dead, Jim!
N: It's worse than that, it's dead, Jim!
A: Dead, Jim, dead!

I don't understand it.
N: Uh, you just said it was dead. So you clearly understand part of it.
A: Like the fact that it is dead.
D: Dead, Jim, dead!

Mechanically there is nothing wrong with it or the transmission tower
A: How do you know? Have you checked?

its just as if...
A: IT'S! It *IS*!

something was preventing it from working properly," The Corporal reported.
A: So, Corporal, would you be proposing the idea it is being JAMMED?
D: It's worse than that! It's dead, jammed! Dead, jammed! Dead, jammed!

Calder turned to Peri: "You stay here with Zbrigniev Miss,
N: There's another difference. In this universe he was played by Roberta Jezek.
A: On the bright side, now we're stealing from a new era. Battlefield.
D: Sweet Jesus, of all the things to nick... you wouldn't get a jail sentence, the court would say you'd suffered enough.

I want to make sure the compound is secure.
A: So, a sergeant is left in total control of a military installation when they know it's under attack.
N: UNIT. Unblievably N00bish Idiotic Twats.

Keep trying Corporal - I want to know what's happened to The Brigadier."
N: "What about the others?"
A: "Who cares about them? My love for the Brigadier transcends this mortal plain!"

Calder left and Zbrigniev returned to examining the equipment.
A: "Yep. It's still dead."
N: So Zbrigniev decided that it was time he grew a personality and tried to chat up the impressively-breasted cute teenager in hot pink shorts right behind him.

Peri thought that this might be a good opportunity to escape
A: Oh yeah. In the middle of a compound under attack full of trigger-happy soldiers who are slightly nervous.
D: Peri, did they retcon you or something?

and find The Doctor
A: Even though she has no idea where he is?
N: So she's taking a borderline suicidal ill-thought out escape attempt and even if it succeeds... she doesn't know what to do.
A: She's not even decided it might be best to go back to the TARDIS?

so she quietly began to back out.
A: So she's not looking where she's going?
N: Go on Peri, by the end of this paragraph you should have no braincells left!
D: I know I won't! DRINK!

Very close to the door she turned around to find herself staring at a Sea Devil.
N: And how did the smell of damp fish and wool not spread to this part of the base, especially since he was RIGHT BEHIND HER!
A: If it was right in the corridor, shouldn't it have killed Calder, so his screams and the sound of gunfire should have been heard.
N: Isn't it odd that out of the whole base, the Sea Devils just happen to be right outside this one with no alarms going off, no screams, nothing, just in time for the cliffhanger?
A: Which is stolen, isn't it?
N: Yep. Sea Devils five.

She didn't have time to scream.
N: That makes a change.
D: Come on, Sea Devils are cute!
A: A parrallel universe. A new Doctor. UNIT. The Master. Eocenes... how can you have a list like that and make it BORING?! You could screw it up easily, yes, but could you really make it so brain-puncturingly dull?
N: Mallet obviously can.

- to be continued...


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Dear God this is inept stuff of Mallet's. The highlight for me has to be:

its just as if...something was preventing it from working properly," The Corporal reported.

Yes. It is like that when something is OUT OF ORDER. Christ. Why can't any of his characters talk like human beings?

For somebody obviously proud of his families service in WWII, he is quite extraordinarily ignorant of the military. Ahem:

*A Platoon is the smallest unit to require a commissioned officer, and so would never be commandeered by a Colonel, unless in particularly incredible battlefield circumstance. It is commanded by a Lieutenant.

*A Colonel commands a Regiment or a Battalion - a vast body of troops. His rank and distinction prevents him from mere scouting duties

*A Colonel would not act as an aide to a Brigadier - possibly to a General, but even then a junior officer would be far more likely. A Brigadier is only really entitled to a Staff-Sergeant, just as a Colonel is to a Corporal.

*A sergeant being given command of a base? Unless the base only contains between eight and fourteen soldiers or all commissioned officers and senior NCOs aren't fit for duty, that would NEVER HAPPEN. And if you have a Colonel, you have a LOT of junior officers.

The whole thing seems to have fallen apart now that he's gone from not naming any UNIT characters to filling in the gaps with every UNIT character ever to appear regardless of who they are and what their rank was...

Funny comments, though. Love the running joke of Dave getting pissed.

Youth of Australia said...

Dear God this is inept stuff of Mallet's.
Yeah. It's taken an incredible amount of time to wade through it... agony, I tell you.

For somebody obviously proud of his families service in WWII, he is quite extraordinarily ignorant of the military. Ahem...
Well, that's impressive. I hadn't twigged to that - but then, there are lots of explanations for why 70s UNIT consisted of three blokes and some redshirts, but my issues are -

* the Brig has not been promoted after working for at least ten years straight
* UNIT contains members of the Bomb Disposal Squad, with Mallet seeming to confuse soliders
* that I am even wasting my time with this when ANY soldiers picking a fight with a bunch of people they don't know the motives or strengths of...

The whole thing seems to have fallen apart now that he's gone from not naming any UNIT characters to filling in the gaps with every UNIT character ever to appear regardless of who they are and what their rank was...

Funny comments, though. Love the running joke of Dave getting pissed.
How I'm going to keep any of them sober for the rest of the story, I just don't know...