Monday, March 31, 2008

Big Finish Program Guide!

The Tarrants of Time
In the first Big Finish story, the 5th, 6th and 7th Doctors face their weirdest, dullest and stupidest adventures yet, respectively.

Fan & Phantasmagoria
Who cares about the 5th Doctor, Turlough and Kamelion when Nigel Verkoff’s about!

Whispers of Error
The 6th Doctor, Peri and Sil encounter an accident-prone sound creature in the Museum of Oral Antiquities.

The Band of the Dead
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa go somewhere cold and meet hairy hippies and Monica Lewinksi.

The Fishmonger
The 7th Doctor and Ace are out to kill Pauline Hanson – and host a successful talk-back radio show.

The Maid Marian Conspiracy
The 6th Doctor’s seduction of the Sheriff of Nottingham goes awry when an anachronistic history professor Evelyn Smythe upsets the balance of power in medieval England.

Dustbin Umpire 1: The Jazzocize Machine
The 7th Doctor and Ace find the reformed Dustbins trying to attack the Time Lord Video Store on the planet Parrot-Shat, and after that things just get weird.

Red China
A portent of doom directs the 5th Doctor and Peri to Mars. Where there is ice cream. And Chinese midgets.

The Inspector of Lanyon Moor
The 6th Doctor has finally got around to meeting the Brigadier. Pity about the rest of the story, though.

Sphincter for the Adept
Nyssa ends up in a haunted Swiss girl’s school with nothing but the nympho Pollard sisters and a rabid piano for company. Lucky girl.

Dustbin Umpire 2: The Apocalypse Elephant
The 6th Doctor decides to check out his own future, only to find himself caught between Romana and a Dustbin invasion force when the evil Apocalypse Elephant breaks wind.

The Fans of Vulcan
The 7th Doctor and Mel find themselves trapped in a doomed Star Trek convention.

The Reservation of the Scourge
The 7th Doctor, Ace and Benny find themselves seriously under-whelmed by the invading legions of Scourge from a god-forsaken void on the outer reaches of human misery. After all, they’re invading Kent.

The Unholy Error
The 6th Doctor and Frobisher are stuck in a castle full of morons who have made one fatal mistake – allowing a god of pure evil to possess an indestructible child puppet and go on a rampage.

Dustbin Umpire 3: The Mutant Phrase
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa are recruited by the Dulls to save the universe from... the Mutant Phrase.

Clash of the Titans
The Nth Doctor meets Vilgreth and Stapler, two Titans fighting. About something. Or another. Who cares?

Sick Morning
The 8th Doctor’s swinging bachelor lifestyle ends abruptly after a night of passion with Charley Pollard – not to mention a murderous seal cub, the Bermuda Triangle and the ill-fated Titanic.

Bored of Ironing
The laundry ship Vanguard encounters a cheese-covered spaceship belonging to the Cybermen. The 8th Doctor and Charley get involved. Eventually.

The Stoned of Venice
Mists of madness smother the doomed city of Venice. But, you know. Chill out, dude.

Inuit in Hull
The 8th Doctor is stuck in a mental asylum, believing himself to be an Inuit. The Brigadier is holidaying in California. And Charley is seducing the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Same old, same old.

Louis-Gooey
The 5th Doctor and Turlough find themselves caught in a web of incest and lust surrounding a werewolf love triangle in Rio de Janeiro.

Bust Reading
On the ancient site of Duchamp’s Urinal, a pair of stone tits hold the secret to destroying the cosmos. And the 7th Doctor and Ace face an old enemy in the shape of the Bastard! In the shape of a sea lion!

Mud Ride
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn encounter Charles Darwin on his road trip – before falling foul of Toothpick, a Bilurian with diabolical plans to conquer the world! That’s novel.

Project: Nightlight
A war between the Nosferatu Nosh Kitchen and the Slow Boat Chinese takeaway is plot enough for a whole sequel and spin off series. Not that the 6th Doctor and Evelyn are remotely bothered.

The Eyes of Scorpius
The 5th Doctor and Peri save unknown pharaoh Eminem from Egyptian paparazzi and encounter a cult of scorpions and their bewildering alien god, Scorpius.

Coleslaw Cutaway
Ace takes over the famous Nazi prison of Colditz, and the 7th Doctor discovers a future version of himself is here to assassinate her. It’s like Terminator. Without anything interesting like lethal cyborgs.

PRIME Evil
Returning Nyssa to her home planet Traken, the Doctor finds the Zoo-Keeper has been usurped by a PRIME computer.

There Can Only Be One Doctor...
In the final adventure of the 6th Doctor, the errant Time Lord must prove his worth and save the generic planet of Netora from destruction by some passing alien space craft – only for him to be thrown into a dungeon. Luckily, a man by the name of Professor X happens to be in the neighborhood...

Excelsior Yawns – Excelsior Merchandising – Excelsior Bouquets
The thrilling trilogy of the Doctor’s doomed love affair with the evil Raven on the planet Excelsior.

Evaders from Bars
The 8th Doctor and Charley find 1938 New York has been invaded by some alien bartenders the Doctor owes big time.

The Crime of Fright-Night
The 8th Doctor and Charley are trapped in a service station with the Marx Brothers, and are being hunted down one by one.

Reasons to Care
The 8th Doctor embarks on a quest to escape the evil fate Edmund Blackadder and Leonard Nimoy seem to have in store for him.

Encase the Arseholes
The suicidal 8th Doctor is determined to dump his pregnant companion Charley at any cost – even that of the curious Cinnamon race...

Dustbin Umpire 4: The Rhyme of the Dustbins
The Dustbins. Ali G. The 8th Doctor. Charley. Rapping. Enough said.

Nowhere-Land
While Charley is giving birth to her illegitimate child, the 8th Doctor hooks up back with Romana and heads off into another dimension in a Yellow Submarine.

The Maltesa Penguin
The 6th Doctor pathetically stalks Frobisher, but the penguin private eye has better things to do.

Bare Parts
The 5th Doctor encounters the Genesis of the Cybermen and interferes. But not too much.

...ick
The relationship between the 6th Doctor, Peri and Sil reaches breaking point on a planet that’s probably Earth and where words are considered currency.

The Rupture
The 7th Doctor and Ace live it up at a club in Ibiza, which turns out to be run by the 10th Doctor, his son in law Curtis, and the Bastard. And a Ru-tan. And the club is actually UNIT HQ. Guest Starring Tony Blackburn.

The Soundman
For a laugh, the 6th Doctor pretends to be the evil demon of Galah mythology. Evelyn is not impressed.

Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World
The 5th Doctor and Peri are helpless when Eminem goes wild in Euro Disney.

Go-Book-A-Room!
The 7th Doctor and Mel seem to have ended their travels at a 1980s Midlands hotel, where fireplaces bleed mercury and coincidences run riot.

The Real Thing
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn uncover a Terminator-style time loop on the planet Quarryos as the Cybermen conquer the universe with a rampart STD. Then again, maybe they don’t.

No Phone, No Home
The 5th Doctor and Eminem encounter the true horror at the heart of the TARDIS – a clone of Adric...

D’you Believe This?
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn break the fourth wall completely in a mad world where JST and Michael Grade are the best of friends, and Dustbins turn to the literally legless Tom Baker for company.

Necrophilia
The 5th Doctor, Peri and Eminem encounter a bunch of witches in a quarry. Fairly traditional.

The Dark Llama
The 7th Doctor, Benny and Ace discover a bunch of llama-worshiping zombies in a quarry seeking a severed leg. Even more traditional.

Doctor Who and the Goodies
The 6th Doctor has taken a fancy to master pirate Bill Oddie. Will Evelyn and Tim Brooke-Taylor stop these shenanigans? Or will the mysterious Graeme Garden save the day?

Teachers of Footy
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa encounter a race being reduced to savagery... by oregano.

Project: Lazarou
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn once again conflict with the evil Touchwood organization, but quickly bugger off after two episodes and let the 7th Doctor turn up to fix up the invasion of blue slimy people.

Fist-Fight
The 7th Doctor and Mel encounter the starship Mango Crusher, where the Dullasses are using the robotic Quirks for their own evil ends. As you do.

Omigod
Ancient Time Lord Omigod has returned to the land of the living. In Brighton.

Lavros
The 6th Doctor ends up working in an office with Lavros and an electronic monk to help Zoe Herriot conquer the galaxy with an army of killer robots – unless Lavros can woo her with his charms...

Bastard
The 7th Doctor is out to find his arch enemy for want of something else to do. Surely the amnesic sea-lion living over the hill is the Bastard, isn’t he?

Vogon Cutaway
The 8th Doctor and Charley are the only ones who can stop the Vogons destroying the 2000 Sydney Olympics. In short: we’re screwed, basically.

Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
The 8th Doctor and Charley find themselves at the mercy of an evil force... Nicholas Briggs.

The Worm of the Rani
The 6th Doctor and the Rani drown their sorrows at Bianca’s – a German gay bar where mescal-engorged worms are making their bid for universal domination using punk rock.

Schizo
In another universe, the 8th Doctor and Charley are stuck on a planet resembling downtown Tokyo as it is trashed by a 500-foot Richard E Grant.

The Credo of the Moron
Forced to participate in Double the Fist, the 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz find themselves up against the evil Zoden insects and their naughty master... Sil.

The Actual Mystery of Beer
Three wacky students in shared accommodation hate each other. Totally irrelevant. And I mean irrelevant.

The Twice-A-Night Kingdom
On Gauda Prime, Charley and C’Rizz find themselves enlisted in the orgiastic rebel movement lead by Vila Restal, while the 8th Doctor faces the ultimate enemy, his old pal Maxil.

The Axis of Banality
The 5th Doctor decides to offload Eminem in the most boring place in the universe.

Engagements That Bore
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn discover a civilization at the Eye of Orion... and it’s just as dull as you’d expect it to be.

The Cyb-Fest
Hex Schofield is the biggest stoner in 2022. But not even he is prepared for the headtrip he gets when he meets the 7th Doctor, Ace and a bunch of sensitive new age Cybermen...

The Spoof of the World
The Great Narrator and his Tellytubby servants return to torment the 5th Doctor, Peri and Eminem at their cricket match... along with the rest of the Elder Gods.

Medicinal Porpoises
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn go hunting for autographs in 19th century Scotland, only to bump into the 10th Doctor and Jamie! And what do Burke and Hare, freelance bodysnatchers, have to do with this?

Faith Dealer
The 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz head for the Multi-Market, the biggest mall in the Divergent Universe... where the 4th Doctor is having one hell of an LSD rave.

The Lust
It’s the end of the line as the 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz face the lethal Lustmongers on the dying planet of Chumran.

Cardiff
The 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz awake in the afterlife. The Kro’ka is right behind them. Two alternative Eighth Doctors are bitching in field of cows. A monster roams the sewers of Cardiff and Anne Robinson runs a brothel. This is just fucking deranged, this is.

The Best Wife
No one is interested that the universe is about to end or that Nicholas Briggs has returned, because the time has come for Charley Pollard and Grace Holloway to fight for the right to marry the Doctor!

The Afronauts
The 6th Doctor’s trip to Brighton leads him into a four-sided conflict with Dustbins, Lavros, Melanie Bush and giant, 20-sided dice called Afronauts – and no one can tell which of them scares the Doctor the most!

On The Game
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa discover Arsenal’s new manager – Ian Chesterton!

The Dreaming
The 7th Doctor, Ace and Hex arrive in a confused and patronizing missmash of Indigenous Australian stereotypes, alien Galahs and face Ernie Dingo the Aboriginal Wizard!

Caption: 1872
Mel is left concussed and partially amnesiac at number 1872 Munro Rd... in the clutches of the rampant Nigel Verkoff! Can the 6th Doctor save her from his immoral clutches? Do we really want him to?

Degenerate!
The newborn 7th Doctor discovers a ridiculously overcomplicated Time Lord sleeper operation, goes mad and is locked in a cell while only Mel and a taxi driver stand between Earth and an insane Dustbin gestalt. First day’s always the worst.

Two’s Company
The 5th Doctor and Peri decide enough is enough and try to rid themselves of Eminem on a planet of agoraphobic chatroom addicts who are being hunted down by hungry talking velociraptors.

Dustbin Umpire 0: Terri’s Firma
In what feels like a scene by scene rip off of RTD’s season finales, the 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz bump into an insane Dustbin Emperor and his army of half-human Dustbins on a post apocalyptic Earth where you can’t move for tripping over ex companions.

Thicker Than Two Short Planks
After dumping Evelyn for good at the Eye of Orion, the 6th Doctor pops in with Mel only discover star-crossed lover conspiracies, plagues of rage-infected zombies, and the most pathetic villain ever – Szabo!

The Chaser’s War on Colony 34
The Chaser’s War on Everything
covers a change of government at the hands of the 7th Doctor, Ace & Hex.

Sail Away
The 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz arrive on the planet of the redneck hillbillies, get incredibly drunk and stoned, accompanied by Enya’s greatest hits in the background.

Singular Angularity
Arriving in Moscow, the 5th Doctor, Turlough and Kamelion discover that the sinister Ominous Foundation is attempting to invade Earth with the final survivors of mankind, in a plot RTD clearly liked too much.

Other Lies
To escape conscription by the Time Lords, the 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz go into witness protection, assuming new identities in 19th Century London – but it seems they’ve got confused, as now the Doctor is a circus freak, Charley a house husband to her own sister, and C’Rizz a popular prostitute...

Seaside Suicide
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn meet Benny Hill, get chased by a zombie and wonder if Brighton Pier itself is pure evil out to conquer the world.

Night Thoughts
A very different Doctor and companion arrive at a Scottish mansion where a stuffed bear is slowly slaughtering a bunch of useless jerks. Will anyone notice? Will anyone even care?

Clock Works
The 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz get data entry jobs at the Middle Management of Rassilon.

Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets!
The 5th Doctor, Peri, Eminem and Shakespeare travel back to discover the truth about a gritty northern Richard III, his big ears, leather jacket, and whether or not he is a coward or a killer.

The Crossing
The Alt-Doctor and Kate travel to the end of the universe and discover a world full of cliched rebels, mad priests, weak emperors and dumb religion and wonder if anything will end with a bang or a whimper.

Rubik’s Cube
The 8th Doctor loses his memory... yet again, as Charley and C’Rizz flee from a serial killer that even the Cenobites of Hellraiser are scared of!

The Anyhere Place
The 6th Doctor and Evelyn discover a strange ringtone from Time’s End that drives people to suicide.

Orange
The 7th Doctor and Mel discover a holiday resort that brutally edits the memories of visitors. And one of those visitors is Nigel Verkoff...

The Rip-Off
The 6th Doctor takes his companion Peri back to her home town only for her to suffer incredible amounts of angst at the hands of her horrid family, only to discover an alien grave-robbing conspiracy is at hand by the Cybermen surviving a terrible war of time in the future. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

The Sequel
The 5th Doctor solo arrives in Brisbane to meet up with three things he never wanted to see again – Tegan Jovanka, Nigel Verkoff, and a barrel-load of second-hand Cyber Conversion machinery.

Baker Street
The 8th Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz arrive in Cardiff to hide until the heat is off, only to discover an army of clones, a psychotic ice cream van, Ben and Polly, and the most pathetic conspiracy ever.

A School for Glory!
The Alt-Doctor and Kate discover a WWI military hospital owned by the Touchwood Institute is up to no good. Shock.

The Year of the Lame Dog!
The 6th Doctor, Sil and Peri visit the insane inhabitants of El Tropo where reality takes the afternoon off.

Interesting Times
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa meet the insane Magician on the planet of Budgerigar People. Then they piss about with Isaac Newton. And ruin the town of Stockbridge. And meet each other in the afterlife. OK...

Nicotine
The 7th Doctor, Ace and Hex visit Venice in the far future and find an Evil From the Dawn To Time hiding in the cigarette smoke...

Nostaliga of the Dustbins
The 5th Doctor and Nyssa find that that Dustbinmania isn’t what it will be.

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