Reformation of the Daleks IV
by Ron Mallet
Tonar entered the maintenance laboratory in which Mel had originally been detained.
N: So, there's the main laboratory, Fronkenstein's laboratory and the maintenance laboratory. Or are they all the same?
D: Who cares?
A: You see, Mel was "detained" in a lab, not a cell!
N: Shouldn't The android Doctor be standing with a coat over his head in the middle of the room?
At first she shuddered at what appeared from a distance to be a dissected Thal.
N: That's no Thal! That's Nadar! Can you tell from The Look?
A: That sentence is odd. She shudders "at first" at "what appeared from a distance to be". Shouldn't she be more upset the closer she gets?
D: Well, obviously Toner, in the middle of a room filled with android limbs, sees a Thal shaped android 'disconnected' and still assumes that it's a real Thal. That looks like Nadar.
A: How did the Daleks get an android copy of the leader of a Thal espionage squad but not the others?
D: They've clearly encountered Nadar before.
N: Yeah. Would YOU forget The Look any time soon?
A: They must be building an android Nadar so they can use their own Look against their enemies!
D: Jesus Christ, that will make the Daleks unstoppable! Except for the fact they've just stopped.
A: It will make them... startable!
N: And the Universe will be sorry!
D: I know I am.
On more careful examination she discovered that it was an android built in the shape of Commander Nadar!
A: Oh, so she did notice.
D: Doesn't explain how she mistook the android for a genuine Thal. Has it bled everywhere?
N: Do androids bleed?
D: Engine oil?
A: HB sauce.
As Nadar had originally played the part of a double agent in order to originally infect The Daleks - it wasn't surprising they had used his body for replication.
D: Oh. So that's how they found out.
A: Wait a minute. A Thal... was a double agent... for the Daleks. The Daleks decided to let a Thal work for them in such a way he could infect them with a virus. And let him escape.
N: Makes perfect sense. He used The Look.
D: And all Thals are morons.
N: Plus, clearly they thought he was Nyder, so they trusted him.
A: The Nyder they killed, you mean? The Nyder who was a Kaled and not a Thal? That Nyder?
N: ...The Look! REMEMBER THE LOOK!
A: So, if Nadar is so badass that he infiltrated the Dalek City, released the virus and scarpered... and then creeps back to see if it worked? With morons like Toner and Solak Youth?
D: Uh, I think the major import of this is that the Doctor wasn't responsible for the virus.
A: So the Dalek Emperor lied.
N: So the Daleks HAVEN'T reformed?! NOOOOO!!!
She ran her fingers over the body.
N: "Mmmm. Still warm."
D: Toner! Time and a place, girl!
N: She's always craved Nadar, but she feared The Look!
A: She feared it, but yearned for it. It was right, yet oh so wrong.
D: All Thals are morons.
A: All Thals are on heat by the looks of things.
Perhaps she could somehow use it to her advantage.
N: "He who controls The Look, controls the Universe!"
D: And so that was how Toner became Servalan.
A: She would never meet another capable of The Look... until she met a man called Kerr Avon.
D: SHE was Supreme Empress of the Terran Federation. HE was an IT support worker caught with his hand in the till.
A: And the city was about to explode!
Then in a blinding reflex action, it grabbed her arm.
A: Are you blinded, Dave?
D: No, Andrew, are you?
N: Maybe he means "blinding" as in "didn't see it coming".
A: Well, I saw it coming.
N: OK, maybe he means "blinding" as in "blindingly obvious and predictable".
A: Come to think of it, if the android reflexively grabs her hand because she groped him, why did it grab Mel when she didn't even touch him?
D: Come to think of it, where's the android Doctor?
N: And why do they leave the androids switched on? Isn't it wasting static electricity?
At that instant a Dalek slid into the room behind her.
D: Aw, no fair, the completely random appearance was described in dialogue!
N: Spring has sprung.
A: If the Dalek was that close behind her, well, why didn't it shoot her earlier?
N: Because she's now trapped, facing away from it, legs spreadeagled...
D: Nigel, don't go there.
N: "INFERIOR LIFE FORM WILL NOW SQUEAL LIKE A PIG! SQUEAL PIGGY! SQUEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!"
Before she could draw her gun with her left-hand, she was exterminated.
A: The moral of the story is be left handed.
N: If she HAD drawn her gun, what was she going to do? Blind it and hope it died before it shot her?
A: Why did the Daleks wait until she had her hand caught before confronting her? Can't they shoot a moving target?
N: "STAND STILL WHILE I EXTERMINATE YOU, GOD DAMN IT! DIE LIKE A MAN!"
D: Why didn't the Daleks exterminate the Thals right away?
N: Screw that, this means the Daleks are EEE-VIL!
D: Yes, Mr Bigglesworth. Daleks of Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil.
A: Isn't it dangerous to zap toner?
The Emperor watched Tonar fall
N: So the android let go at this point, I assume?
A: Maybe it didn't. Maybe it yanked the corpse back up into the air and the Dalek shot it again.
D: Sort of life tormenting kittens with a paper butterfly?
All: Aw. Kittens.
and then switched monitors to observe Mel bent over the body of The Doctor.
A: "I am the GOD of ALL Daleks! And I LOVE snuff films!"
D: The Emperor of the Daleks... checks out Mel's ass.
N: Ew! The guy's sick!
"Excellent," The Emperor grated.
A: Grated? Not purred?
N: The part of the Emperor was played by David Banks.
D: I think Ronny boy's ever-so-slightly confused about which popular monster he's supposed to be using.
A: I'm ever so slightly confused as well. The virus is real, the danger to the Daleks is real, so why the hell are they pissing about with androids? They weren't expecting the Doctor to arrive, were they? So what was Plan A! Why build an android Nadar, put him on a Thal station and then SHOOT the station? Were the other Thals on the station androids? Why?
D: Maybe... maybe the station was a trap for the Doctor.
A: Maybe. But how did they know they've get this gullible pratt? Why have Nadar capture Mel? If she'd been left behind, the Doctor would have been happy to visit Skaro and not been distracted! And surely letting Thals wander around the place trying to kill the Doctor is counterproductive when he's the only one capable of providing the cure they need?
D: Mallet is a moron.
"Why? Why?" Mel was on her knees sobbing.
A: Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel.
"I'm not a monster Mel. I'm not going to kill you.
N: "...I'm gonna DO you right here and right now!"
D: You mean because she's not armed or violent, Nadar's going to spare her? The way he didn't spare the unarmed, non-violent Doctor? He doesn't even know if Mel's real or not?
I'm simply a soldier with a mission to complete.
D: "It's not my fault I... enjoy it."
N: "It's just a pity I suck at it with the power of a naked singularity."
I'm a veteran of three Dalek wars
N: Those stupid Daleks. Will they never learn that The Look cannot be defeated!
D: "Wars"? You mean, the Daleks stopped for a time? Why? They don't have anything else to do.
A: Maybe it was the Movellans.
D: Oh, so that's, what, a century long gap? How old is Nadar supposed to be?
N: Old enough to do The Look!
and I'll do anything to ensure there are no more," he explained in a soft monotone.
D: See? No acting talent.
A: He's decended from Prentis Hancock.
N: No talk! More Look!
"The Doctor would have helped you," Mel declared as she ran her fingers through his mass of curly hair.
D: "Mmm. He's still warm."
N: "Necrophila? Rigor mortis makes me hot, YEAH!"
A: Mel is clearly a Thal...
"He was too dangerous to be allowed to exist.
D: But... he still exists. As a corpse. That can regenerate.
A: Nadar gets "live" and "exist" mixed up a lot. Which is credible, since I doubt he has a life, merely existence.
N: How exactly did the savior of the Thal race get the rep of being "too dangerous to exist"?
D: All Thals are morons?
N: You realize if we suppose the Thals are actually intelligent, this entire plot will detonate like a nuclear compression charge?
N: Well. Good.
No price is too high to ensure the Daleks are totally exterminated. You can come back to New Skaro if you want. You could start a new life," he went on.
N: "You and me, babe, we're good together!"
D: "A little R&R in Vegas! 40 days, 40 nights, package tour! Debauchery! Debasement!"
N: "Debaucher IN debasement! What do you say, Mel? I feel this deep in sodomy..."
A: "How UTTERLY EVIL!"
"Just go away..." Mel moaned.
N: "Let me molest the corpse of my mentor in peace!"
Without another word Nadar turned
N: One last Look, to consider... what MIGHT... have been.
A: That's it Nadar, turn your back on the woman whose friend you just shot in cold blood and might be a Dalek agent. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
D: All Thals are...
N: I KNOW, I KNOW!
and headed off to find a way out of the capital and back to his ship.
A: And the Daleks in the lab just let him go.
D: This is not suspicious.
N: No, sir, they're pretending to be dead, fearing the Awesome Power of The Look.
A: Or maybe they died from that virus that's supposed to be hanging around.
N: Or, that, yes, it's a possibility. But they fear The Look and the destruction it can bring.
The Emperor had watched these events from his chamber with great interest.
A: The Emperor is clearly the target audience. I, for one, am bored shitless.
D: You can always tell when the Emperor is interested.
D: There isn't the sound of snoring.
It chuckled in a rather human manner.
N: The Emperor is now played by Anthony Ainley.
A: Give me strength. Don't be Davros. Please. Don't taint my memories of him.
"Good, good, very good."
N: "Dare I even say... EXCELLENT?"
D: "Party on!"
A: WYLD STALLIONS RULE!!
The Emperor turned its massive eye-stalk
N: So massive the Emperor's wife's brain bleeds at the mere thought of it.
D: His concubines marvel at how it blocks out the sun!
A: Compensating? No siree.
N: "My massive eye-stalk will outstare Nadar! This experiment has shown us what The Dalek Look can do!"
to the few living Daleks that remained alive.
D: It's like that Goodies ep, where the Ministry of Sport die of old age throughout a boardmeeting.
A: "All those who understand the plot, speak!"
N: "Are you guys still here? Get out of my bachelor pad! Daddy and his massive eye-stalk are getting some tonight!"
"See to it that Nadar finds a way out of the capital and back to his ship with minimum resistance.
A: Well, you could just get out of his way.
D: Yeah, it's not like he'll be suspicious.
N: None can face The Look and live.
The Thals should not suspect anything.
N: No. They shouldn't. Oh, was that some kind of request?
D: Uh, Mr Emperor? Thals are morons!
A: Remember, these are are the same Daleks who allowed Nadar to contaminate the entire species without any comebacks of any sort whatsoever.
They will believe themselves victorious.
D: "But then, they are a bunch of useless morons."
A: "The Thals are nothing but a diseased tool in the engine room of eternity!"
D: Ixnay on the iseaseday ooltay! You might upset the Daleks!
N: I'm sorry, the Daleks? This story it anti-Jubilee! Nick Briggs would disown them after reading this!
D: I wonder if we can nick his ring modulator?
A: Nick Nick's ring? The plague's got to you, I notice...
But we will grow strong again.
D: "Those of us still alive. Anyone left? No? Just me then."
Multiply and go on to exterminate them all!!"
N: Even the Emperor wants to start shagging!
A: The Emperor seems to think they have a cure. When the Doctor ahem "died" before completing the mission. If you wanted him dead, exterminate him!
D: They still haven't said the e-word, for christ's sake!
"Who's that then?" The Doctor asked looking over Mel's shoulder.
N: A 1. A 2. A 1 2 3...
All: DOCTOR! YOU'RE ALIVE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!
Mel looked up and him and down at the corpse. The truth struck her like a thunderbolt.
D: It left her charred and crispy?
N: I love the smell of roast vegetarian in the morning. The skin is the best bit.
A: You know, for someone who despises the Tom Baker era, Ronny's quite happy stealing from it wholesale.
N: Oh, didn't you know? He's a talented hack with delusions of competence.
A: Lot of them about, aren't there?
N: Yes. Like you, for instance.
A: Nigel. I am closer to the microwave then you are.
"You're not dead!"
A: This woman has an IQ of 127, ladies and gentlemen.
N: They call her Keen Eyed Bush, and that's because...
D: DO NOT GO THERE!
"Dead!" The Doctor exclaimed seemingly affronted.
D: Seemingly affronted. Seemingly alive.
N: Yes, he's right to be affronted. After all seeing his companion sobbing over what appears to be his corpse is nothing more than insult to his very character and perhaps even God himself.
A: Or... maybe he's affronted that his computer genius companion, after finding an android duplicate of the Doctor, and then being confronted by two Doctors, doesn't suspect a thing.
D: Yeah. That's pretty affronting.
All: MEL IS A MORON! (Clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) MEL IS A MORON! (Clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) MEL IS A MORON! (Clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) MEL IS A MORON!
"Of course not.
N: Thank the Lord he confirmed that. I could have sworn he was dead. My faith in reality itself had fled.
N: It didn't want to read more of this crap.
I came out
A: CHARLES DANIELS WAS RIGHT!
of the other laboratory
N: Frankenstein's? Where is ol Franky-Wanky?
D: Judging from this story, humping the monster.
A: Studying it so closely.
when I heard the commotion down the corridor.
D: What commotion?
A: Um, if he was in the android lab, didn't he see the Dalek shoot Toner?
D: And why didn't he spot the android wander past him into the lab?
N: And why haven't the Daleks done a damn thing?
My assistant died you see so there was nothing to stop me," The Doctor explained.
D: Which assistant? Peri?
A: I thought Peri was alive!
N: Surely her death would have given the Doctor some sort of caution...
D: Who is this wanker pretending to be Doctor Who?!
A: Maybe he was talking about the Dalek assistant?
N: Maybe. Would it kill Mallet to be a bit clearer? I mean, the plot makes even less sense now he's raped the corpse of The Android Invasion.
D: Speaking of which, I think Mel and the android want a little time alone...
A: That's another thing. What kind of crap android dies from one shot?
Mel let the android's head hit the floor with a clunk.
D: "That's it, baby! Treat me rough!"
N: "Hurt me, use me, abuse me, I AM YOUR SLAVE!"
A: Not Mistress Melanie again...
N: Did you miss the bit where he explained this was all unintentional? Jayzuz, girl, get a grip!
A: NOT on that!
I was grieving for you!"
A: "And doing a pretty poor effort, I must say, Mel. Why haven't you slashed your wrists at the pointlessness of lie without me!"
D: "Because you're not dead."
N: "It's STILL a good idea, Mel! DIE, hideous creature! DIE!"
The Doctor beamed down at her.
A: The Doctor can teleport himself now?
N: Maybe it's like Transmigrating An Object?
D: Maybe it's just bollocks.
"So I noticed," he laughed.
D: Hahahah! Woman cries! Woman think me dead! Woman silly! Hahahaha!
N: Mel's a genius, and she cries over a robot! CLASSIC! CLASSIC!
All: MEL IS A MORON! (Clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) MEL IS A MORON!
"The Thals want you dead," Mel informed him.
A: We still don't know why. Or even HOW they knew he'd be on Skaro.
D: And between you and me, I don't care any more! END THIS! PLEASE!
"It looks as if they've be made to believe they've got what they want.
A: "As if"? "As if"? Where's the certainty?!
D: I'd hate to meet Mallet in real life. "It seems as if today is Tuesday!"
N: "It seems as if I am a talentless hack with no redeeming features!"
A: "It seems that RTD is really Michael Grade's sex slave and he wrote Father's Day!"
N: Let's not spoil it for him.
D: No, DO spoil it for him!
Come on, we're late!"
N: Pregnancy scares too?
A: Damn Thals shagging everything that moves - no wonder they're not extinct, they reproduce like Captain Jack on viagra!
"For what?" Mel enquired as they strode out of the laboratory.
D: For a very important date!
A: No time to say "Hello"...
All: We're late we're late we're late! Eekeeek!
But The Doctor was too intent on getting somewhere.
D: "Cannot talk... must... be... elsewhere..."
N: The excuses he comes up with to ignore Mel. Just gag the bitch!
A: This Doctor is really ADHD isn't he? He needs to go into a trance to walk a straight line.
Like some multi-coloured cat he'd stop abruptly, look about and then start off in a new direction.
D: Yes. I often see multicoloured cats stop abruptly in alien robot people cities in the future.
A: Mallet didn't get into "English advanced", did he?
N: If he did, then Howard should have resigned in shame.
A: He shoulda done it anyway.
N: He might have, if Nadar had given him The Look. Oh, what... MIGHT... have been...
At last he found it, the entrance to The Emperor's chamber.
A: For some reason, it was behind the back of the sofa, next to a mummified corpse of Ian Levine.
D: How could Ian Levine fit in the Dalek City, let alone behind a sofa?
A: Well... OK. Deduct five points.
"How do we get in?"
"Knock I suppose!" The Doctor joked.
A: Yes... That's not what we in this solar system call a joke.
N: Hell, why is the door closed? I'm shocked a dead Dalek didn't jam in the doorway.
D: There better be an explanation for this.
And when he did the door slid open.
A: I just remembered something Dylan Moran said. Sorry, what have I missed?
D: The Emperor asks you to wipe your feet before entering the throne room.
The room was still full of Dalek corpses,
D: Oh well, that makes it different from the rest of the city, doesn't it?
A: Surely this is a health hazard!
which along with the DARDIS unit the Doctor had arrived in, all stood in front of the massive frame of The Emperor.
D: So basically, the room is COMPLETELY identical to the last time we were there.
A: But this is being described for Mel's benefit.
N: Fair enough. Why waste words explaining the huge wounds in the plot when we can see Mel in a set from a 1967 Troughton story?
D: And fell over dead.
N: If only.
D: "Oh, my! Doctor! It's a room! Full of dead Daleks! And a big Dalek! And a thing I have no idea what it is! MY BRAIN CANNOT STAND THIS!"
A: Right up there with ya, girl.
"You have lost Doctor.
N: Lost? What was he trying to win?
A: He was aiming to cure the Daleks. If he's lost, that means the Daleks are dead.
D: Good. Can we stop now?
You will continue with your experiments," The Emperor commanded.
A: So... you haven't got the cure yet.
N: They might have if they didn't have to convince the Thals the Doctor was dead.
D: Could have just shot the bastards and saved some time.
"No. I've destroyed my work
N: What work? When was this?
D: If the Emperor was watching it all, then, well, doesn't that mean the Emperor knows all the work?
A: That'll teach the Doctor to show off to empty Dalek props.
and I just want a few words with you before I go, Davros," The Doctor countered.
D: So, the Doctor has decided to let the Daleks be wiped out. Despite vowing to save them.
A: What a fickle bastard.
The Emperor seemed to splutter with anger.
A: EITHER IT DID OR IT DIDN'T, RONNY!
N: Dear God!
At the top of the frame the casing rolled back to show the head of Davros.
N: The "massive" Emperor Dalek has now become the tiny one from Remembrance.
A: Which doesn't have an eyestalk.
D: Either that or the huge head has rolled back to show a tiny Davros head inside.
N: If the Doctor KNEW that the Emperor was Davros, why the charade?
A: If Davros is controlling the Imperial Daleks, the white ones, why is his second in command a Black Dalek?
D: Didn't Davros just expose himself to the virus?
A: Oh, GOD! In one sentence, Davros is reduced to the most stupidest villain since... since...
A: Yes, WOTAN!
"You know everything now Doctor so you must know you have no choice!"
D: Show your working, Davro, old boy.
A: Er, I don't know everything. Please explain further.
N: Why doesn't the Doctor have any choice?
"They were mostly all dead when they brought you back for trial weren't they?
D: The Daleks? Is he talking about the Grey Daleks?
N: Why the hell would the Daleks take Davros back to Skaro, which should have been quarantined, to expose themselves to the deadly virus? Why put him on trial?
It can't have taken you long to assert your control over the planet.
A: Since mostly everyone was dead.
But even your imperial Daleks - which you no doubt had stored on some planet and called in on mass - were not immune to the virus.
N: That's ripping off Emperor of the Daleks!
A: How, pray tell did Davros create an army and store it on a planet in the five second between being captured and his entire army on Nekros being blown up?
D: Why the hell did Davros call upon his army to a plague pit?
N: Why wasn't Davros killed? He got infected by the Dalek-seeking virus in Resurrection?
A: And where is the Doctor pulling this info out of? There's no evidence of any white Daleks at all, no evidence the Emperor was Davros, and no evidence this happened before Davros trial.
D: MALLET! YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO!
The Time Lords must have been very clear in their instructions that there be no survivors.
D: I thought it was the Thals who used the virus!
A: Are the Thals working with the Time Lords?
N: Why use a virus? Why not just, ooh, time loop Skaro like every other time they decide to kick ass?
A: I thought genocide was forbidden by the Time Lords!
I tried to improve on the virus but failed!"
D: Is that the future Doctor or the current one doing that?!
A: If the Doctor was trying to make a worse virus, but failed, why destroy all his work - it can't have helped the Daleks cure the virus or make a new one!
"You treacherous freak!" Davros spat.
N: Pot. Meet Kettle. What's that, pot? You don't like darkies?
D: If Davros was watching all this HOW THE HELL DIDN'T HE NOTICE?!
N: NOT on that!The sicko was too busy perving on Mel's ass...
"I suppose The High Council had to act.
N: Oh, well, sure. I mean that justifies everything. Not like the last time they "had to act" where they sent an assassin to shoot your best friend for the greater good.
D: The Doctor's sold out! I HATE YOU, DR WHO!
DARDIS technology was probably the impetus.
A: Wow. Since they've had it since the Hartnell era, it's only taken them seven hundred years to get round to it. N: He said the word! Why? WHY?!
D: I note he isn't explaining ANY of this to Mel...
The Celestial Intervention Agency no doubt had the help of a double-agent, probably Nadar, to help me spread the virus.
D: How does that explain how Nadar infiltrated the Daleks? Did he dress up as one?
N: The CIA fear Nadar's Look. I find this good.
A: If Nadar and Future Doc were allies... why did he try to kill the Sixth Doctor?
A virus so devastating that you had to go to extraordinary lengths to try and convince me to find a cure.
D: So this whole thing was a con?
A: They faked the whole Thal station to lure the Doctor to Skaro so they can ask him to cure them?
N: Why not set off the distress signal on Skaro itself?
A: How exactly did they decieve the Doctor? Davros says the future Doctor created the virus, and seems to be telling the truth. What he told us about the virus seems to be the truth. The only real lie was him pretending to be a Dalek rather than being honest.
D: There was the lie about the Daleks turning good?
A: Why did he then admit the Daleks only turned good AFTER the plague instead of before? My point is, they asked him for a cure, and he said yes. There's not much trickery. They didn't even threaten to blow Mel's head off, or allow Nadar to kill her...
N: So... have the Daleks reformed?
A: No, they've just got very, very stupid. I mean, why assume that a past Doctor can cure virus technology created from his own future?
Well there can't be one - there never will. Skaro will never again be populated by The Daleks!"
N: Except in Remembrance of the Daleks.
D: Where the Doctor was surprised to see Davros in an Emperor casing.
A: And, besides, the Doctor couldn't IMPROVE the virus, so there must be some Daleks capable of surviving. I can't believe Davros isn't clever enough to make his own cure.
"You are a liar!" Davros shouted, knowing full well he had been immersed in a bitter sea of truth.
N: ... What... the... fuck?
"You are quite powerless now. All the Daleks on Skaro are dead except perhaps for the ones hiding in that Emperor casing which I suspect is actually a DARDIS is it not?"
N: So, those things have chameleon circuits?!
N: Chameleon circuit or not, Davros just opened the door and let the virus inside! STUPID FUCKING MORON!
A: Surely there are Daleks hiding in the other... time machine... the one that the Doctor came to Skaro in?
D: And what evidence has hinted that the Emperor is a DARD... is a time machine? I mean, it looks like an Emperor Dalek, is plugged into the city... I never saw any clue!
"I could unleash them,
All: Could you?
All: Would you?
All: Should you?
All: WELL GO DO IT THEN!
But something prevented him.
A: What is this something? Logic?
N: A word too broad for the narrow mind behind this.
D: Why has Davros turned into the biggest loser in the universe?! What's he going to do next, talk about his degree?
"That desperate is it? You can't risk having them infected," The Doctor scoffed.
D: So WHY DID YOU OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!
"You will pay for this!"
D: How? You can't get out of the damn ship!
N: He can materialize around the Doctor?
D: Oh yeah. Go on Davro! KILL THE DOCTOR!
A: You know you want to.
"If I were you I'd be more worried about what happened to The Dalek Supreme
D: More capitalizations.
N: I think Ronny has confused The Dalek Supreme with The Black Dalek from Remembrance.
A: And the Black Dalek here was on Davro's side.
D: So what happened to him?
A: Dropped dead, I suppose. It was so much easier in the end.
- who no doubt fled Skaro with a large quantity of Daleks at the first sign of the outbreak,"
D: No doubt.
A: Just where is the Doctor's evidence for this?
N: It's like he's making up, on the spot, a backstory that allows this to fit with Remembrance.
A: Instead of just having a story that, you know, fits with Remembrance.
D: Dear God, my eyes are bleeding...
The Doctor teased as he waved Mel into the DARDIS.
N: And when Mel did not move at the behest of his wave, he backhanded her and let her fall to the ground.
D: Why was Mel in this? It'd be easier for it to be a solo trip.
By the time he looked back The Emperor-DARDIS had vanished.
A: With the door open.
N: Jesus fucking Christ that is unholy.
The Doctor took one last look about him and disappeared inside.
D: Inside what? Himself?
N: He vanished up his own arse, quite like this story. The Doctor meets the Daleks who are nice, but aren't nice, and want to be cured. After wandering around in the lab, the Doctor tells us a much more interesting story than the one we see, there's a cameo from Davros, the end.
A: So, we still have no idea why or how the Thals decided to kill the Doctor.
N: To cancel out the future Doctor and stop this story from happening.
D: Heh. Guess they're not ALL morons after all.
In a few moments the DARDIS materialised on the station.
A: Still haven't managed to master the art of travelling in TIME. Were they really that much of a threat?
D: The Time Lords aren't going to get their asses handed to them in a time war with THESE losers!
The Daleks there had long since died due to having been infected by the virus on Skaro.
A: I can't take this any more! Why the hell did Davros think this would work as a plan?
N: This is without doubt the worst Dalek story ever.
D: Worse than Empire of the Daleks?
D: (shocked) Fuck...
The android crew stood frozen again, between one breath and the next.
N: Androids don't breathe, you stupid bastard!
A: Presumably they're still kneeling on the floor.
D: Begging God to end this story.
The Doctor wandered over to the TARDIS and gave it a pat.
"The only real way to travel," he joked.
N: THAT IS NOT A JOKE!
A: Cool it, they're back at the TARDIS. It must be over soon.
"What happens now Doctor?"
N: "For a start, you can shut the hell up you useless, sour faced bint!"
D: What does she think is going to happen?!
A: The Daleks are defeated, they're on a derelict space station and the TARDIS awaits. I have no idea what could possibly happen next.
The Doctor promptly found a console and started typing away in some code Mel was not familiar with.
D: I thought the station's mainframe was pulverized?
N: Where did he find this console? Behind the sofa?
A: Under the sink?
N: Up his arse with the rest of the plot?
"Time to clear up," The Doctor announced as he pulled her over to the TARDIS.
D: Waving no longer works. The Doctor accepts this and adapts his strategy.
A: Unlike the author.
Within moments the TARDIS dematerialised, seconds before the entire station was atomised.
D: Unfortunately, our heroes were not aboard the TARDIS, and died horribly.
A: Why exactly does the useless space station full of shut down Thal androids and dead Daleks need to be blown up?
N: Maybe because something interesting has to happen, and a big explosion is all Ronny can provide!
D: If the Thals were supposed to be suicidal warriors, why didn't they blow themselves up and take the Daleks with them?
A: Because they weren't Thals, just Thal androids.
D: Still the Doctor should have noticed that. It might have been a CLUE for further plot developments.
N: Fuck future plot developments. I never want to read another travesty like this ever again!
"The real tragedy is now of course, that The Daleks and The Thals are virtually indistinguishable," The Doctor mourned.
A: Uh, no I can pretty well distinguish between them.
D: Yep. The Daleks are not complete morons and the Thals are not all but extinct.
N: Easy to tell.
A: The Doctor's being very judgemental. He didn't ONCE meet a real Thal, and the one that "shot him" did so after spending time with his future self, and thus might have good reason to.
N: If the name "Valeyard" appears in this conversation, the microwave WILL be used.
"Yes, Nadar seemed to be just as fanatical and ruthless as any Dalek," Mel agreed.
N: How the hell does Mel come up with bullshit like that? She only met one living Dalek and it was nice!
A: And the fact Nadar wanted to prevent the Daleks starting another war does seem to be to be a more benevolent idea than the Daleks wiping out the entire universe.
D: What do either of these bastards expect for a species in a "kind of" eternal war?! That they all become hippies and self immolate or something?!
"Perhaps they're headed for the same fate as The Daleks?" The Doctor mused.
A: Wow. What an interesting idea, you should have done a story about it.
N: The Thals are no worse than the idiots in Planet of the Daleks. Besides, now the Daleks are screwed, the Thals can reclaim Skaro and stop fighting! This should be a happy ending!
D: It's happy because it IS ending! Dear GOD that sucked!
A: Oh no.
A: There's MORE!
The red-tied Doctor slumped back in his chair.
A: Right there with you, buddy.
N: So the Doctor's changed his tie so he can regenerate into someone likable?
A: Please don't let this all be a dream.
D: Au contraire, I WANT this to be a dream!
He had been viewing the aforementioned future time-segment in order to prepare a package to offer as evidence in his trial.
D: Oh, what a horrible fate, to know you'd experience this story?
N: Surely the Time Lords will let him loose, knowing he will suffer in due course?
A: Or execute him. It'd be mercy.
That episodic adventure seemed to support his claim that he acted often at the insistence of The High Council.
D: Why look to the future? Surely there's plenty of past stories he can call on?
A: The Doctor's defense is that sometimes he works for the government? The government that has put him on trial?
N: Dear god, that is retarded even by the standards of Trial of a Time Lord!
It was after all the price he paid for his freedom.
N: Since when? He hasn't been on a Time Lord mission since Brain of Morbius! Besides, he was until a couple of days ago Lord President! That was why he was let loose!
A: "Price paid for his freedom". But he's not free now. How can this evidence be in any way relevent?
D: Maybe it's his way of getting on his knees and promising he'll be the Time Lords' bitch if they let him go?
N: How could ANY fan of Doctor Who get the main character so wrong?
A: Maybe Ronny is overfond of the bottle. The bottle of absinthe.
The Keeper of the Matrix - into which The Doctor had tapped into - strode up to him.
N: "Get this fucking tap out of me!"
D: Doesn't he mean "bumped into"?
N: Impossible, the Keeper is walking up to him.
A: You don't think maybe Ronny meant the Doctor was "tapping into" the Matrix, not its Keeper?
N: "Tap"? Surely, "viewing" is the apothestewhatever word?
"I've been asked to inform you that the section of the Matrix that you are viewing cannot be publicly shown for security reasons," he whispered.
D: Why is he whispering?
A: The trial is public? It's in a closed court in a space station light years away from Gallifrey!
N: Should I point out that the Keeper only joins the story AFTER he is summoned in the second last episode?
D: Sure, knock yourself out.
N: Right. "Mallet? YOU SUCK!"
"Security! This is an outrage! If I am to defend myself I need to be able to prove that I act at the behest of the Celestial Intervention Agency and often The High Council itself!"
A: ...they already KNOW that you moron!
N: Why the hell is the Doctor trying to prove it anyway? He is on trial for interfering WITHOUT the Time Lords' consent! It's like Osama Bin Laden defending himself by pointing out the days he DIDN'T declare jihads! Jack the Ripper proves he had nights off!
The Doctor exploded.
A: Gore dripped down the walls.
N: The Doctor realized that maybe weaing a space suit in hard vacuum WASN'T just for losers.
D: Oh, God, my brain... tell my family I love them... pull the plug!
D: Is it because this is a story from the future?
N: Or because the story is so crap the jury would kill themselves halfway through?
The Keeper tutted.
D: Keeper Tut! Mighty Tut!
A: Walk like an encryption!
The Doctor slammed his fists down onto his console.
N: Unfortunately, the prop was so tacky, his fists smashed through them and he unintentionally punched himself in the balls.
D: With lethal force.
A: Thus, the Seventh Doctor was born. Hopefully not so much of an idiot as the last one.
D: Ah, violence. A shorthand for detailed character analysis. Why not punch the Keeper repeatedly in the face?
"Perhaps your defence should focus on the degree to which you intend to improve your behaviour both outside and inside this Library!" The Keeper scolded him before he rushed off in a huff.
A: What library?
N: They let the Doctor out of court. To go to a library. Without a guard. Despite the Doctor being the most brilliant escape artist ever.
D: Kill me. Kill me now.
The Doctor thought for a moment. Perhaps that wasn't such a bad idea!
N: Oh god. So, now it turns out that the Doctor is unable even to think for himself.
A: If this between Mindwarp and The Vervoids, why isn't he more upset about Peri?
D: WHY THE FUCK DID WE AGREE TO READ THIS!?