Saturday, October 3, 2015

101 Better Spin-Off Ideas Than "Class"

Ah, remember the days when we had Doctor Who, Torchwood, The Sarah-Jane Adventures, Totally Doctor Who, K9, not to mention all the CiN and Comic Relief specials and funky animated cartoons? Nowadays Moff can barely churn out Doctor Who and an episode of Sherlock every other year but lo suddenly after years of stagnation the television people have woken up and started making locally-based minority spin-offs made by amateurs and only of interest to two or three people!

Yes. Class - because everyone who's watched the Capaldi years have thought Coal Hill School needed further exploration. I mean, seriously? Is there left over budget from MI High (which let us not forget featured the Cat in a regular role fighting Davros in a similar premise) and The Worst Witch? Sheesh...

To misquote Steve Foxx, here are 101 better ideas for a spin off instead of Class.

1) The Pasternoster Row Gang
Because, if nothing else, the BBC wanted to make it.

2) The Sarah-Jane Adventures
As we know, tons of stories were in the making and even though Liz Sladen is sadly gone there is nothing to stop Rani, Clyde, Luke and K9 from carrying on the adventures. Seriously, there are hundreds of them just waiting to be made. So, SJ isn't in it! Never stopped Taggart, did it?

3) Torchwood USA
Because Rex Matheson and John de Lacie are better than anything Cardiff offered.

4) Dalek Empire
It keeps Nick Briggs off the streets. Plus, the New Paradigm might get work.

5) Porridge And The Cyberiad
Without Ricky Gervais, the litle guy must face the might of the Cyber Empire alone. Apart from you know him being Emperor of known space. Guest starring Richard Armitage as Mr. Clever.

6) Doctor Who Remakes
After all the set work for An Adventure in Space & Time, Mark Gatiss himself pointed out they could rerecord Marco Polo with David Bradley as the Doctor. So why not? All the scripts are there, the actors are there, plus it can look cheap while simultaneously being incredibly faithful to the source material. Plus we might actually get a decent version of The Celestial Toymaker out of this.

7) Missy/Master
Double the Fist with the Fist Team replaced by incarnations of the Master. Michelle Gomez as Mephisto, John Simm as Rodd, Derek Jacobi as Panda, Alex McQueen as Blue Womp, Geoffrey Beevers as Red Womp and Mark Gatiss as Tara. DON'T EVER WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN!!!

8) Jago & Litefoot

What else is there to say? BF have done ten seasons of this, plus multiple adventures with the Sixth and Fourth Doctors. Even animating them to the style of South Park would be awesome.

9) Counter-Measures
Again, just animated versions of the BF plays. It'd be like Archer, only less funny and more likely to keep you wide awake at night in full-blown paranoia.

10) The Unintentional Adventures of Richard Mace
A chain-smoking alcoholic cliched author avatar of Eric Saward makes droll commentary of stuff, sort of like Shelly but back in the 17th century. Starring Harry & Paul as Richard Mace on alternate Tuesdays.

11) Movellan Network
Yeah, I pitched this already. Babylon 5 with Daleks, Davros, Movellans, Monks and Lucie Millers.

12) Life With Shona
The most popular character in Last Christmas is a slightly-demented pop culture fan who spends her yuletide watching sci-fi classics and being wierd at perfume stores. It'd be like New Girl except she would be a tad more violent if anyone brought up My Little Pony.

13) Terra Nerva
Just like Terra Nova, but more Seth Efriken space men and giant wasps.

14) Wilf
The adventures of the man who is not only made of awesome but forged in the fires of Mount Coolio. Guest starring the entire cast of The Mighty Boosh as the Silver Cloak.

15) Gaztaks and the Cactus
They're a bunch of cowardly homicidal kleptomaniacs and he's a cactus with delusions of grandeur. It's a whacky get-rich scheme each week as the cactus pretends to be an important foreign invester at the local building society and they are gorillagrams with loaded shotguns, but will a prickly handshake give the game away? Starring Richard Adyode as Brotodac and Matt Berry as Meglos.

16) Shut The Voc Up!
It's like Kaldor City, only written by someone normal which focusses on robophobia rather than killing everything for subtextual reasons. Humans, really, but with Voc robots instead of synths. Guest starring Nick Frost as Kaston Iago and Angus Deyton as the robot voices.

17) Heathrow Terminal
Tegan and the crew of Concorde struggle to keep the skies safe and the passengers happy as the Master tries to ruin the airport business with androids, hallucinations, the Bermuda Triangle and of course explosive silcon breast implants. When a TCE is involved, anyone can join the mile-high club...

18) I Thought You Were The... Kandyman!
Yes, inspired by The Happiness Patrol, The Trials of Tara and The War of Jenkin's Ear, join the confectionary-based psychotic assassin as he suffers truly terrible luck as he single-handedly gets into all sorts of sticky situations. If there's a Vervoid farm to moisten, a Nimon funeral to interrupt, or a carrot-cake time machine to eat, he's your man! Watch out for all sorts of misunderstandings, mistakes and murders and for god's sake don't mention Bertie Bassett!

19) That Guy Who Wasn't Quatermass from Hide
Yeah, him. And the lady from Call the Midwife. And their time-travelling black great-granddaughter. Got to be a decent soap opera in that, with a running gag that unless him and the lady get their leg over, the whole universe will collapse. But with the approach of Thatcher's Britain, maybe it's for the best?

20) Griffin The Chef

He's chronically-depressed, works for a dictator, and people keep poisoning his food to kill off political rivals. On top of that, Griffin has to train a bunch of rejects from Masterchef. It's like Gordon Ramsey only much more passive aggressive. The winner each week gets to a foodtaster, so there's a rapid turnover. Starring Marco Peirre White as Fat Bastard Salamander Wants Dead.

21) Jenny Who?
Unused Farscape scripts are adapted for Jenny, played by some blond in a tight T-shirt. Can she save the universe, avenge the underdog, and keep a relationship for more than three episodes? And is it worth keeping to pacifist principles when epic Kill Bill fight scenes are on offer? Guest starring Julian Clarey as the voice of Jenny's flight computer.

22) Morton Dill
The Alabama hick is not quite built for the big city, especially as he keeps mistaking alien invasions, temporal inversion isometry and cloned dinsoaurs as Hollywood craziness. In fact, he can barely function when the rest of the world is on the same frequency. In the spirit of Mr. Bean and Monsieur Aubergine, this silent-scene comedy will appeal to people all across the world. Except, you know, Alabama who will very probably be offended at their finest being portrayed as a non-functional retard.

23) Cyber-Brig
What did he do next? Is he destined to become Handles? Or Kroton? All we know is he's kicking ass and not necessarily taking names. Plus, he can also freaking fly.

24) Aldo & Royce in E-Space
Those two guys survive the destruction of the Privateer and end up as a dogsbodies in the Tharil resistance - but you can be sure they'll find some way to scive off, have a cuppa and accidentally torture and electrocute innocent people. Guest-starring Andrew Lloyd Webber and the cast of Cats.

25) Karn Get Away With Nothing
A breakfast television lifestyle show featuring the Sisterhood of Karn, including lots of cocktail recipes, feminist empowerment and how to chant "deathdeathdeathDEATH!" and sound like you mean it. Every week a celebrity drinks the elixir which turns them into a different celebrity.

26) Memoirs of an Edwardian Adventuress
Because India Fisher is awesome, that's why. Given the love for period drama, positive female role-models, bodice-rippers, CGI aliens and the like, it's frankly amazing that this hasn't already been commissioned. She's a runaway cross-dressing adrenaline junkie with a weakness for Byronesque aliens and from the dying days of the Raj to the cutthroat pirates of Singapore Bay, the one thing she ain't is boring. Guest Starring Conrad Westmaas as the guy with no dialogue killed off in the pre-credits sequence.

27) Adipose
Like the Tellytubbies only less scary.

28) I'm Sorry, Avan Tarklu...
Yes, Frobisher gets his own spin-off. In these days of pixar CGI, a wisecracking penguin is probably easier to do than thinking of an alternative. The hapless shape-shifting PI, splitting his time between running a spaceport pub and helping the Doctor save the universe, all while keeping his bad-tempered wife on his mesomorphic good side, is begging to be made. Guest starring Colin Baker as the Doc, Nicola Bryant as the one with the big tits and Nicholas Briggs as the Skeletroid Hive Mind.

29) Shit Mr Copper Says
A sitcom about the old bloke from Sto, giving his actor a chance to vent his notoriously mysanthropic rants about damn well everyone who dares get in his way.

30) You've Been A Bad Girl, Chloe Webber
The main cast from Fear Her in a feel-good adaption of Lizzie McGuire. This time the animated sprite is actually a cause for terror and psychological instability as Chloe negotiates the problems of high school and the way she keeps making other children disappear. Shane Ward provides the musical interludes.

31) The Karkus
With his antimolecular ray disintegrator, exotic accent and the fact he's a big girl's blouse when it comes to physical combat, this is the Tick without the sociopolitical subtext. Set in the distant past of the year 2000, the Karkus defends New England from the Taliban. He got New England and New York mixed up, you see.

32) The Siege of Trenzalore
A series of five-minute cartoons with the Eleventh Doctor protecting the town of Christmas from every possible villain. Like Potatoes and Dragons, with the Doctor as the dragon.

33) Smith & Jones & Sontar-Ha!
Yes, the two alien hunters and their disgraced Sontaran soldier fight crimes. Yes, it's just a modern take on The Paternoster Row Gang but that didn't stop Benedict Cumberbatch from being Sherlock, did it?

34) I Used To Be Somebody
The moving tale of life on the streets of somewhere beginning with an S as a brainless, homeless junkie bum constantly gets mistaken for Henry Van Statten. But can someone who hasn't mastered toilet paper really be the richest man in the world? And why is Geocomtex determined to keep him in the homeless shelter? Why do they keep feeding him dogfood? WHY DON'T THE GRANDCHILDREN VISIT ANY MORE?!?

35) Enlightened Attitudes (AKA Guiliano Loves Marco)
A gay relationship at the end of the dark ages! Two hot young Italians must fight prejudice, fire-ball-weilding sorcerers and their own commitment issues! Guest starring Johnny Vegas as Leonardo da Vinci.

36) RTD: What Went Wrong?
The sequel to an Adventure in Time and Space starring Andy Serkis as RTD, Jenna Russell as Julie Gardner, Martin Clunes as Christopher Eccleston, Steve Mangan as David Tennant, Charlotte Church as Billie Piper, John Barrowman as himself, Robson Green as Bernard Cribbins, Daniel Hill as Steven Moffat and Katherine Parkinson as Catherine Tate. Guest starring Ben Wilshaw as Matt Smith and a cameo from Tom Baker as the Doctor in the final scene.

37) Sparrow & Nightingale
Black Books with monsters! It's hard to make a living with a VHS and DVD store when going out of fashion, especially when you've got pissed-off Weeping Angels out for your blood. But can Larry and Sally get blood out of a stone? Will the Angels agree to the old 'zap stuff to make it antique' gift and can even the Lonely Assasins escape the council when planning permission is required for all those damn statues outside?

38) Courtney in the Act
How the hell does the wife of a temporal physicist born and raised in Britain become President of the United States? How does a marriage cope when one partner knows the future and the other one's timeline is jammed backwards? And will the American public buy the story that the moon is an egg containing a pregnant space dragon? Peter Harness, as you reap so shall you sew!

39) Nest Cottage
With the clone of the Second Doctor, a waspy bitch with no redeeming features, a braindead Mike Yates and a giant wolf, this rural sitcom of sickeningly 1970s British nostalgia will appeal to anyone who could actually listen to an entire Paul Margrs boxset without vomiting blood. Guaranteed the only way this show will not drive you to self-harm is because you're already brain-dead.

40) Rattigan Academy
Working at a school for the gifted and talented brings out the best and work in Britain's youth, but these up-and-coming geniuses will easily win over soap audiences with their backstabbing, romancing and genome decoding along with ongoing story arc of exchange student Slarg the Constipated dealing with the Skins generation and their curious obsessions.

41) Bud Emmerson Investigates
What do you mean, 'who'? Haven't you read The Pescatons? 'The Doctor's old friend, the astronomer Professor Bud Emmerson, hadn't changed a bit since they last met during one of the Doctor's previous regenerations. True, he was a little older, now in his mid-sixties, but he was just as fat as he always had been, which seemed to put his tall, massive body out of proportion with his head, which was really quite small. And his hair was now almost white, which was easily detectable despite the fact that he had cropped it short. A few years previously, Bud had been a well-known comedy actor in British films and television, but he had finally decided to abandon his career in favour of his first love, astronomy. And with the help of the Royal Astronomical Society, he had built the now legendary North London observatory, which settled quite naturally on the peak of Highgate Hill, with the whole of London's skyline spread out before it.' There. Get Steve Coogan to play with with Rob Bryden as his dimwitted assistant Fargle.

42) Little Cloud
Just how does a gay archaeology student and notch of Ace's bedpost cope when on work experience in another dimension? Shou Yung is thrown into King Arthur's dimenion, where hopefully it'll be slightly less tasteless and boring as Merlin.

43) Craig, Sophie, Alfy and Uncle Doctor
Can struggling parents Craig and Sophie convince their psychotic toddler the babysitter is actually a regenerated Time Lord? Especially when real aliens invade? Guest starring Keith Allan as the babysitter.

44) Ray o' Sunshine
The Welsh tomboy enjoys 1950s rock and roll on a biking tour of the dales and generally doing lots of stuff you'd see in Born and Bred, Monarch of the Glen, Ballykissangel and Doc Martin. Is often mistaken for a Queensland biker from 2013, and finds herself stalked by the guy who wrote Electric Gypsy. Will she draw the attention of 1950s Torchwood? Actually, no, she won't. Starring Tom Baker as Goronwy.

45) Drax
He's a dodgy Cockney time traveler with a second-hand TARDIS dealership, a criminal record and the crown jewels. As the Time War kicks off, Drax has no end of potential customers but you try telling the Dalek Supreme the parts won't be in until last Monday! Desperate for assistance to deal with the workload, Drax summons up his past incarnation and sparks are sure to fly in this timeywimey Open All Hours ripoff!

46) Dr. Knox the Zombie Time-Travelling ManSlut With BO Problems
Because Robert Ross's trilogy of godawful crap needs further expansion and explanation. And I think fandom has finally managed to put the trauma behind them. But it never goes away. Guess starring the guy who played Thomas Brewster and Thomas Brewster as his brains are eaten.

47) Devesham: Space Defense
Well, presumably other things happen there. Maybe. Of some kind. At least there must be some reason why every astronaut is issued with an eyepatch and told to drink their own urine.

48) Life on the Frontier
A docudrama look at post-tractator Frontios with colonists bitching and refering to themselves in the third person as "the people of Frontios" as they realize that the white hatstand is the only wood on the entire planet. It also delves into the Monoid segregation and apartheit problems. Guest starring Ross Kemp.

49) Oroog's Place
A gentle children's show about the most charismatic and engaging character in the Divergent Universe. All profits go to protecting women from Phil Martin's transmogrification fetish.

50) Arthur the Horse
A kind of Black Beauty story, except in every episode Arthur jumps through a mirror to save the day and or escape being turned into glue when inquiries are made into his reckless steroid abuse.

51) Remember Atlantis
The wacky hijinks of Sean, Jacko, Ara and Lolem as they attempt to rebuild Atlantis in the middle of the swinging seventies. Can the fallen utopia get into the common market? Each episode features a musical interlude by Zaroff's fishpeople doing the songs of Lady Gaga, in particular "Born This Way" and "Pokerface". Guest starring Adam West as Professor Zaroff's Octopous.

52) The Awesome Adventures of Orson Pink
The first of the chronal argonauts with his purpose-built time afro, Orson Pink finds himself flung into random periods in time and space and caught in lots of crazy hijinks. His only hope is to keep jumping through time, each time hoping this is the leap home. Guest starring Tim Minchin as Samuel Beckett.

53) Vortis Tales
No one can ever say that The Web Planet was short on potential - now imagine the team behind miniscule with Zarbi, venom grubs, Menoptera, Animus, Zarbi Supremo, Atlanteans, Skorvax and a naked Dudley Moore (not quite sure about that last one) can get up to in a series of hilarious five minute

54) Rily Vashtee & T'Other Guy On The Pentallion
They're on the wrong side of the law but on the right side of the sun at a time when the human empire is collapsing and the Ood are uprising. It's the perfect saga of enlightenment, self-discovery, transformation and lots of arguments as to whether that guy was in Robin Hood or not.

55) The Strattan and Bates Motel
What's funnier than two psychotic Cyber-rejects on the run? When they have to run a hotel of course! Can Strattan keep the riff-raff out as well as handle the reservations? Will Bates just stop shouting? Can emotionless killing machines provide an enjoyable and relaxing experience for customers or will they just knock their heads off with lengths of metal piping? Guest starring Adrian Edmonson as both characters.

56) Bo' Tesselecta
Shapeshifting android full of tiny people torturing celebrities. Like historical jackass, watch them do incredibly violent and stupid things to Rasputin, Lady McBeth, Genghis Kahn and Michael Grade. Guest starring Jeremy Clarkson in any role whatsoever for fuck's sake he needs the money.

57) Count Grendel - Magnificent Bastard of Tara
Imagine Blackadder only with more androids and swordfights with electric swords. Will Grendel go for the throne or just rule the land through the idiotic android king? Will his dogsbody Till ever find the perfect thingy-shaped turnip? All we can be sure of is that Farrah twitches if you call him 'sweethart', Zadek makes noises like a sheep and the Archimandrite's hat is always good for a laugh!

58) Space Games with The Celestial Toymaker
Is it racist? Is it frightening? No, it's a gameshow with lots of live current. So better than Eggheads any day.

59) Flying Killer Bikini Vampire Catfish Girls Suck Venice
...sorry, you need more?

60) Get Duggan
Divorce cases, multiple Mona Lisas, punching people - Duggan is the one you need. Basically Hazell except with more motherfucking Tom Chabdon beating the shit out of people. Guest starring Chris Lilly as the stuntman Duggan punches every episode.

61) Two Freaks And A Nutter And A Neanderthal And A Stone Spaceship
The gang from Ghost Light continue in an internet-only youtube series that requires copious research with Marc Platt to get the vaguest fucking clue of what is happening. Starring Mitchel and Webb as the Husks.

62) The Late Show Starring Roco Colasanto
He's a happy Italian man, he looks like El Duche, he can sing Queen songs, and he's dealt with the cast of Ashes to Ashes repeatedly getting nude in front of him. Beat that, Mister Fallon!

63) Droxil, Billis and The Other One
Because acid-bombing sentient Christmas trees on Androzani Minor just spells ongoing franchise to me.

64) The Showgirl and the Pig Slave
A touching look at post-war depression in New York. With a pigman and Tallulah making ends meet on stage, in freakshows and for kinky customers. THE POTENTIAL MARKET IS ENORMOUS!

65) Alan Bennett's Kamelion
Kamelion may not be able to get out of a chair, but he can lipsynch with incredibly touching monologues written by the greatest playwrights of modern England. Due to contractual reasons, every single monologue will be about a lute player of some description.

66) Nefertitti & Ridell
He's a big game hunter. She's an Egyptian queen. They both have laser guns. Needless slaughter of wild animals have never been so fun. It's Indiana Jones only with better dialogue, more sex and less Nazi atom-bomb-proof fridges. Guess starring the cast of Wild At Heart as moving targets.

67) Cranleigh Manor
Those Downton Abbey fans can go suck it! DWM is still struggling to work out the plot after thirty-three years so this dynasty of back-stabbing, servant-murdering, face-deforming, house-burning, body-hiding, fancy-dress-wearing, cricket-losing should keep things going for a full DVD box set. Thrill as the insane, deformed madman writes a best seller! Gasp as Madge uses Latoni's wooden lip for sexual pleasure! Boggle as Anne Talbot's bra-strap gets bizarre closeups to tell us she's actually got a melanoma!

68) Keep It Under Your Hat with Adam Mitchell
He's a genius. He's an environmental activist. And he wears a shit load of hats. In this chat show, not at all ripped off from The Last Leg, Adam discusses the week's news and events while never taking off that bloody beanie. Will his costars ever find out the truth? Will the audience ever stop snapping their fingers? Does anyone really care?

69) W3
Yes, it's the Wheel in Space spin-off as hunky Leo Ryan and braless Tanya Lernov sizzle with barely repressed sexual tension. Is librarian Zoe comfortable with her sexuality? Will botanist Duggan find love in a venus flytrap? And what the fuck is wrong with Chang? Brought to you by the makers of Sex in the City, you'll be rooting for the emotionless Cybermen to rip out their spines and microwave their flesh.

70) Tranquil Repose
Like Six Feet Under only with more mercenaries, black comedy and dead-end plots.

71) In the Drahvin Seat
Cloned blonde supermodels with laser guns fighting space walruses and proto-Daleks? With the right hands on the wheel, this would beat the shit out of Battlestar Galactica. If John bloody Wiles hadn't screwed everything up, Galaxy 4 would have been an epic story (one need only look at all the planned merchandise) and the public reaction at the time was huge! Chumbliemania! It actually happened!

72) How Much For Just The Planet? with Mel & Glitz
As prior pitched in DWM # 301, Mel and Glitz run a floating cold freeze super market on the knife's edge of legality. Only Fools And Horses in zero grav!

73) Perfect Timing
Having been robbed of stardom back in 63 by Terry Nation's finest, the paranoid humanoid android the Perfect One of Luxor has plenty to complain about in his stand-up variety act Live From Primiddion Satellite # 674 with tails of dealing with stupid Derivatrons and heart warming sex experiments on random Earth girls with his funky dad Tabon. Whoops! Little bit of politics! I'm not Ben Elton! Goodnight!

74) Anita - Avenging Angel of Spain!
Her rotund English boyfriend was murdered at his restaurant and Anita was blamed when the corpse of the killer was found with his head in a butterfly net and a mouth full of cyanide. Now, Anita's out of jail and determined to take down every scumbag in Seville whether they pay in Narg notes or not! Together with the alien technology in Dona Arana's basement, Anita is on a rampage of justice - and she has a restaurant ready to help her get rid of the leftovers! It's Dexter, but with more Spaniards!

75) Planet of the Myrkas
A wildlife documentary hosted by Sir Robert Winston with a UV laser and a canister of hexachromite.

76) Judoon: Life On The Spacelanes
Trevor Baxendale expands his idea of "Gene Hunt as a rhino" to a full-blown space opera. Fire up the hyperdrive, muchachos!

77) Psi & Whatsherface
A cyber-hacking ex-con and a chick who used to be able to shapeshift... open a zero-gravity hairdresser!! Yeah, I have no idea where I'm actually going with this.

78) The Garron and Unstoffe Gang
Based on the GB fic The Rallax Corporation, the Rob Holmes pair are joined the princess mongoose, a nude Draconian and a robot called Bob as they hustle the cosmos. Interplanetary real estate, shrivenzale taming, tesseract smuggling, you need a law broken, these are your lads.

79) The New DWM Time Team Are Buried Alive In Quicklime
It'd probably only get four episodes out before you ran out of members, but it would be worth it. These tryhard unimaginative personality-free fuckwits who pretend they know nothing just so they can squawk narration like "Oooh! He's got a fob-watch! Could he be the Master in disguise?" or "Oh no! David Tennant might be going to pout!" or "Hahaha! A reference to The Moonbase!" OH GOD I HATE THEM THE STUPID BASTARDS BURY THEM ALIVE! THEY CAN COMMENT ON THAT AS THE QUICKLINE SHREDS THEIR FLE-E-EA-S-SH-SHHH!

80) Solos Summer Break
So, your whole people have turned first into giant cockroaches and now giant glowy Vorlon things who have a tendency to nuke any fat humans they take a dislike to. Oh, and their stripmined planet was blasted to rubble by a crumbling empire far from sorry for what they did. Pru, things are kicking off!

81) The Arthur Darvill Comedy Hour
Guaranteed to be funnier than anything Ricky Gervais has ever done. Or ever will.

82) Head To Head With Dorium Maldovaar
An ultra-sophisticated chatshow with the severed head of a fat bald blue guy chatting with a variety of guests and celebrities. If Graham Norton can manage it, Dorium will easily get ahead. HAH! There's a lot of cranial humor and head-based mirth in this, I can tell you. Guest starring Handles as leader of the house band.

83) Charlie The Badger Interveiws...
Yes, Matt Smith's smooth-talking glove puppet could easily beat Conan in the interview stakes plus it makes Matt happy, is cheap and fun and interesting. Could you bring yourself to lie to a glove puppet? Are you that pathetic? Grow a spine, man, and admit your meth addiction! (Charlie the Badger is funded by the police narcotics division and most of the audience are plain clothed officers.)

84) UNIT Recruits
Remember those two kids the Doctor volunteered for UNIT? Watch them and dozen others go through the gruelling soul-destroying military training only to be used as red shirt canon fodder at the first sign of trouble. Still, keeps them out of mosques, that's the main thing.

85) Don't Trust Madame Kovarian In No. 23
She's a bitchy old hag and camper than than a marathon of Some Mothers Do Have Em, a collossal pervert and sadist but now she's on the run from the Silence, River Song, the Doctor and also her ex-wife Tasha. Will Kovarian ever achieve enough good karma to make offends for being such a fuckwit? Who cares as long as she suffers immensely? Guest starring John Guilgud as the Silent.

86) Beep and Friends
Nuff said.

87) The Return of Captain Dent
Because IMC goes on forever and a guy with a toupee like that doesn't give a shit whether some hippies want a radioactive mud quarry or not. Can Dent redeem himself after Uxarius went tits up? Should he really have based all his schemes of Scooby Doo episodes? Is his love of Emmerson Lake and Palmer actually hampering his career? Starring Katy Perry as Dent's missus.

88) Intergalatic Space Bastards Inc.
John Barrowman & James Marsters play rogue Time Agents out for sex, violence, booze and speed in the Vegas galaxies. Imagine Supernatural only without the ghosts and more top-line shagging. Or Archer with vortex manipulators. A reminder of the time before Captain Jack was a self-pitying child-murdering emo homo immortal sue. Fray references keep the Buffyverse fans happy.

89) Marco? Polo!
Yes, why the hell not? The journeys to Cathay provide plenty of stuff to pad out the series, and I'm seeing it as a cross between Monkey Magic and Game of Thrones. Given the increasing historical evidence Marco Polo was borderline fictional, we have the hook that Mark Eden's character in Serial D was actually a time agent in disguise trying to make ends meet. Guest starring James Dreyfus as Kublai Kahn.

90) Oak & Quill
Jay and Silent Bob if they were both camp, middle-aged, Northern and breathed toxic gas. No job too small, no body count too high. From what I've dreamt, this will scare any audience shitless.

91) Never Mind The Morlocks!
The Space Museum might not be the obvious place to look for spinoffery but Glyn Owen's comedy treatment (clear in his novelization) show this would be a brilliant Red Dwarf style set up with Lobos, Ogrek and Matt the robot running a crappy museum on a dead planet after civilization has fallen. It would be Nightingales only with really, really stupid haircuts. These guys defeated the Daleks, remember.

92) Kroll Country
Basically like Tremors, with the people of the third moon of Delta Magna turning the ferocious giant squids in the swamps into tourist attractions but also running the risk of constantly being dragged underground by probing tentacles. The theme music - KROLL boom-boom-boom KROLL - will prove the ultimate earworm and special SFX have been arranged to get that unique split-screen horizon look.

93) House of Jabolite
The sexy conspiracy-riddled saga of Sir Reginald Styles and his hardcore bisexual orgy with Mrs. Paggit and the Indonesian Minister of Trade takes us deep into the corridors of power. And these corridors have mighty fine carpets. With Styles' constant Shakespearian asides to camera, the threat of world war three in the air and the fact assassins from parallel universes are trying to kill him, there's enough here for HBO to stretch on for the next 25 years on blue ray.

94) Clive Finch the Zombie Fanboy
Inspired entirely by Mark Benton's off-the-cuff idea during the recording of Rose, this reveals the Doctor's psycho-fan survived the Autons and became a zombie. Will his family cope? Will the dry cleaning bill be payable? Does Clive need human flesh to survive or is it just a perk? Who will win at TimeSplitters 2?

95) Bill Filer - Hard Man
He may sound like paperwork, but this combover commando is the CIA's answer to Errol Flyn. Able to karate chop spaghetti monsters, talk in his sleep and fail to shoot anyone, Bill Filer is searching for his estranged lover, Clanton Delaware Everett III no matter what alien bastards get in the way.

96) Pilot Fish Robot Santas WTF?!
These strange aliens probably could hold down a series if we know what the hell they were.

97) I Was A Unicorn!!
The tale of the lady jewel-thief with the unreliable accent. Eventually Phryne Fisher beats her up.

98) Lurman Curve with Vorg & Shirna
The bodies of adults, the minds of children and the scruples of the Thatcher government, these immigant carny folk are a threat to the civilization of Inter Minor and we're rooting for them all the way. Imagine The Dangerous Brothers meets Yes, Minister and add more Drashigs!

99) The P7E Chronicles
Well, there are plenty of Greek myths out there to be sci-fied and with a huge cast of regenerated space argounauts it's practically Stargate Universe without the pretention. It's the sort of thing Lawrence Miles would be into if he could get of his cropuscular backside and do something, as well.

100) The Space Pirates (No Not Those Ones)
Captain Avery and his pals in a spaceship. If that can't inspire you, what can, sah? What can?

101) The Nikolai Hermack Mysteries
Imagine George Gently if the titular hero was a complete moron with no criminal detective skills who acted like a polecat on heat and his 2IC often got abandoned in escape pod while they chased conspiracy theories very very VEERRRYYYY slowly. Guest-starring Russell Brand as Milo Clancy Jr.


Matthew Blanchette said...

"The Further Adventures of Ian Chesterton"? ;-)

Youth of Australia said...

Well, I'm kind of hoping that that is what "Class" will turn out to be.

Matthew Blanchette said...

As am I. But since we didn't get him in either of the Coal Hill-focused stories recently, well... :-/

They seem to have a habit of putting off inviting on old Who figures until it's too late -- just look at Nicholas Courtney, poor man. :-(

Youth of Australia said...

Well, Nick was often busy or sick. He was going to be in The Wedding of Sarah Jane and The End of Time before his stroke. Quite probably in The Eleventh Hour, too...

Matthew Blanchette said...

He was going to be in "The Eleventh Hour"? :-O

Youth of Australia said...

Early idea was for the conference call with Patrick Moore, etc, would be SJ, Torchwood, the Brigadier and others with the Doctor showing off his new face. Was dropped early on when it became clear Ten would be doing a lap of honor and the audience might be sick of cameos.

Matthew Blanchette said...


Youth of Australia said...

It's doubtful Nick would have been healthy enough to appear in it anyway.