Monday, October 3, 2011

Oh, for crying out loud...

Well, seen The Wedding of River Song.


THIS is Moffat's attempt to resolve story arcs and make things less complicated for the innocent newbie audiences? Bhudda in blender, I'd hate to see him go overboard on the continuity refs... I mean, seriously, didn't he get all of this out his system last year in The Big Bang? Or A Good Man Goes To War? Has he completely forgotten how to do a linear, self-contained episode? Has he some brain injury that NEEDS to write Pulp-Fiction-style sketch shows?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I was entertained... and amused... and punched the air when Madam Kavorian got her just desserts... but I am no longer impressed by this whole "trying to cram 12 episodes of plot into the pre-credit sequence". Is there no halfway point between this and Mark Gatiss' "drag every second out" approach?

(I did like Mark Gatiss getting a suitable reward for his crimes with Night Terrors though. I hope it hurt! A LOT!)

Please. No more alternate timelines based around catastrophic doomsday events that are hastily undone in a blizzard of cross-cuts and special effects (though I did like the fact the beach scene was how things SHOULD have unfolded rather than something to be retconned) and the last scene really was a head banger.

The Doctor says, basically, from now on it'll be like the old days when he was an unknown intruder rather than God In A Bowtie With The Universe On Speed Dial. And then he gets told of ANOTHER fucking story arc of doom he must inevitably face. Worse, absolutely nothing about the silence is explained - what the hell happened at the end of Vampires in Venice? Why did they try and blow up the TARDIS? HOW did River turn up at the wedding? And the idea she had a vortex manipulator during the Byzantium story is a bit dumb - why didn't she USE it, for example? And, seriously, the Question might not have been SO COMPLETELY obvious that the audience needed to be told what it was, but having Orac Mark 2 scream it over and over again in the final scene really achieve much? It sounds stupid and always has done if you ask me. And why was there that photo of Amy in the orphanage? Where were the Nazis from the series six trailer?

And just how many departure scenes have Rory and Amy had now? What, five or six? Even Rose only needed the two!

It's not QUITE reached the point where Doctor Who is just a string of Little Britian style skits playing the SAME SODDING PUNCHLINES OVER AND OVER AGAIN. But it is getting close and I am not in the slightest reassured that Moff has "big plans" about 2013's even-less-episodes-than-2009 budget-strapped saga.


I'd just like to say that I successfully predicted

- what the eyepatches were for
- how the Doctor survives being killed
- what the Question was
- what the Silents would say to Rory
- why Winston was confused
- what the Doctor was whispering in River's ear... well, at the time...
- whether Amy's gun was loaded
- who River killed
- the Daleks would get even more humiliated than the Cybermen in AGMGTW, and also have their colour schemes very quietly forgotten... I think. Could have been that colour from dust, I agree.
- that there was no way the ongoing story arc would be concluded.

So, in summary, much more enjoyable as a DVD box set than thirteen weeks of overlabored continuity (ironic, as the ratio of story arc to story was about the same as last years, just way less subtle and enjoyable).

Frankly, I think the Eleventh Doctor's getting a better deal here.

What does the Emperor have to say?

3/10. Mediocre, rambling and boring to watch.

(NOTE: he then reposted his Season 4 pitch about the horse-rustling Cyber-goons, the meddling monk, BOSS and yet another alien in Silbury Hill as a perfect example of what SHOULD have been in the episode.)

Anything from Mad Lary?


Just more homophobic abuse to everyone involved in Torchwood: Miracle Day and insistance that Chris Chibnall is nicking Mad Larry's ideas... despite the fact Chibnall hasn't been involved in Torchwood for three years now...

Nala Snevets?

What? "Silence will fall" is stolen from Terry Nation's "it's too quiet" cliches (AKA the Golden Age of British telefantasy)? And the subtext is that it's all based on your childhood when you spent many hours alone arguing with non-existent people about your deeper interpretation of events? I concede, your "yeah, well, I may not be a policeman but next door might be" argument follows the exact pattern as your "Olag Gan is a cat strangling rapist as long as you don't listen to absolutely everyone involved with the character" diatribe, so you might be onto something.

(blows out cheeks)

Same time next year lads?


Last year the not-entirely-inaccurately-named Brilliant Book of Doctor Who was released onto the bookshelves with the psychic seed of the Dream Lord giving out a truly amazing list of unreliable spoilers for the oncoming series and so, out of mild boredom as I return to the discon parody guides, here they are...

The Doctor will be on trial - twice!
Well... he wasn't. Unless River and Dorium's lectures to him count.

Who controls the Light Sculptors?
No idea. Sounds like a better plot than Night Terrors. Which is probably why they're in The Sarah-Jane Adventures - too good for Gatiss!

You won't believe what's buried under Wembley Stadium
Because there's nothing there? Or is this another Quatermass homage?

Scared of the Eye in Space? You should be
Because unmade Troughton stories are classics, damn it! Be afraid - remember the Atraxi!

Take up thy sins and walk - slowly
Gibberish misquote from the bible. Unless it's the Headless Monk's motto or something.

"There won't be a pub quiz on Tuesday because there won't be a pub!"
Absolute bollocks. Possibly quoted from Men Behaving Badly.

Beau Geste is cool
A book by PC Wren and clearly a gag.

Bow Street Runners are cool
London's first professional police box and clearly a running gag.

Bromley-by-Bow is cool
A district of London and an over-milked gag.

4 August 1982 - Happy Birthday, Ma'am
The Queen's birthday. Maybe the Dream Lord's being a royal suck up? Be fair though, she is a true fan - the only BBC Controller she refuses to knight is Michael Grade - though that could equally be for what he did to the Goodies...

Some lies are too much for the psychic paper
In A Christmas Carol, the Doctor cannot get it to say he is a responsible adult.

"I won't take calls from THAT prime minister!"
Some kind of Margaret Thatcher gag, probably best edited out, like that speech in The Pandorica Opens when the Doctor shouts that Sontarans are all fags and he's not scared of nancy-boy poofs like them.

"Marc, where are you?"
Not in this series. He's a bit busy stuffing up Ace's farewell for Big Finish.

The only water in the forest is the river.
A quote from The Doctor's Wife and A Good Man Goes to War, explaining why Pond = River in other languages.

What awaits the TARDIS at the Zero Point?
Not a lot.

"12 years on and Rory's still terrified of Granny Grainer."
Not a clue. Cut dialogue probably best cut?

"I was lost in France"
Aren't we all? Another song - Bonny Tyler, this time.

"How could a fellow Gallifreyan stoop so low?"
An infamous false DWM quote from The Time Meddler, and just as genuine now. You could say it applies to Melody in LKH when she is a) technically a fellow Gallifreyan and b) stooping low.

Horror of Bangkok
Very amusing. Well, funnier than The Horror of Glam Rock, anyway.

"Give it up, Sueet Korn!"
...unless this has something to do with the Leadworth crop circle, I think Monsieur Dream Lord is extracting the wee wee by now.

Argonite? Here?
Thankfully, not even the current production team was demented to do a sequel to The Space Pirates. Though I think Dylan Moran would be a good Milo Clancey.

An ordinary block of flats
The setting of Night Terrors.

"If I saw them walking down the High Street what would I think?"
"I don't think you'd think anything at all, Amy."

A cut scene from Day of the Moon, maybe?

Find the Lady - before she finds you!
Madam Kavorian, AKA Eyepatch Lady. (And a gag on the find-the-lady card trick, if anyone cares).

"Margaret! Come back!"
Meh. No idea.

The Doctor defeats the Sahara Desert
Again, something far more interesting than Night Terrors.

Susannah's still alive!
A song by the Kinks, clearly meant to bewilder us into thinking the Doctor's granddaughter isn't a heap of dust in Kasterboros.

Mill Green on fire
Presumably some kind of insurance fraud by BBC Wales by setting fire to their own special effects department. Or a golf course. Or a restraurant the Green Mill which mysterious caught fire in 2008.

The Doctor will get married - twice
In A Christmas Carol and The Wedding of River Song, obviously. And technically The Doctor's Wife.

What are the dangers of Port Olveron?
No idea. Was that the name of the acid factory in Gangers?

502 but never 503
The time being frozen in TWORS.

Beware of the Kites
Alas, no sequel to Greatest Show in the Galaxy unfolded. This is a sign quite common at kite festivals, BTW.

"A pillar of salt, yes - but not because she looked back, looking back is good!"
Obviously Lot's Wife. What's this got to do with anything, I dunno, but it does sound like a bit of cut dilaogue about the Silents.

They'll have to get a new name for thanksgiving
Unless BBC America has a special Thanksgiving episode, I doubt it.

Pay attention - it's not really her
Amy is actually being a ganger for the first half-dozen eps.

Treading through the sand - on the one night they come back
No idea.

The Shuddering Brethren, they'll stick in your mind
Only if you listen to Round the Horne.

"I'm my own Doctor"
The Ganger Doc?

Octavian wasn't lying
Well, River killed the Doctor, a hero to many, so... yeah.

Mysterious Semblance at the Strand of Nightmares
A Tangerine Dream song with a pretentious title. Is Joshua Wynne behind this?

The bones of the TARDIS
A reference to the TARDIS graveyard in The Doctor's Wife, natch.

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