Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Some Metaphors From People I Knew At High School...

Sometimes I was glad when I was put into 2 Unit English Advanced...

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar elipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Nieghbours comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Brisbane at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 kmph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 kmph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled my teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a death in custody and she was the media coverup.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an Australian tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

7 comments:

Bernie Fishnotes said...

Funny how these are terrible, yet "The huge golden space ship hung in the air in almost exactly the way a brick doesn't" is a work of genius...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

We got these in my class as well - I think Ms Kayne claimed that these were used in actual SC/HSC papers as well, which I struggle to wrap my head around if true because some are clearly works of comic genius.

"A centiped with 98 missing legs".. love it.

Youth of Australia said...

Who do you think she ripped it off?

In a totally unrelated incident, I've seen a TV ad with Anthony Ainley sans beard claiming to be the Master. Why the hell did they think he'd look scarier with a beard? He could give Hannibal Lector creepy lessons...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Who do you think she ripped it off?

...erm.. you?

I'm not sure what you're suggesting here. Did my English teach 'roll' you on the streets one day?

Why the hell did they think he'd look scarier with a beard? He could give Hannibal Lector creepy lessons...

I've only seen one photo of him sans beard and it didn't freak me out that much, actually. He is one of those people who just naturally has a face with prominent bone areas so his face ends up looking a little cadaverous.

(I feel the same about Jacqui Pearce, specifically that when she grins she looks like a pale skull, but going by how many guys got hard-ons from Servalan I may be in the minority)

I wonder if Anthony Ainley's death-stares freaked out any opposition bowlers during his lengthy tenure as an opening batsman for Lords Cricket Club?

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oop, sorry, London Theatres Cricket Club. Lords would be ridiculous..

Cameron Mason said...


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


That one's almost good, in a funny sort of way.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

...erm.. you?
Sorry, dude, crossed wires. I referred to Bernie - "the way bricks don't" is one of Douglas Adams more infamous lines.

I've only seen one photo of him sans beard and it didn't freak me out that much, actually. He is one of those people who just naturally has a face with prominent bone areas so his face ends up looking a little cadaverous.
Maybe it's down to the fact he's IN CHARACTER without the beard, so he's doing the spooky voice WHILE looking spooky.