Saturday, February 21, 2009

FFS, Spara (finale?)

A brief essay composed in reflection on New Morning. Totally uncensored!

You know, it's just struck me - almost every Spara story ends with Ben being praised/toasted/ruffled. Think about it. When does a Doctor Who story end like that? Even aside the fact Chatham aint canon, the show avoids such blatant self congratulation. Nine out of ten stories end with the Doctor saying goodbye to the people he's met, returning to the TARDIS and taking off to places new. I can't for the life of me recall a single Spara story to end in that, the most traditional of ways. And we all know how much Spara loves tradition.

What does this mean?

Why, for example, does NM end with the Doctor leaving in the TARDIS to attend the Skins party he's been drooling over all story? Instead it ends with him sitting in a pub and STAYING where he is. He doesn't move on, he doesn't go anywhere new, he hangs around a Cornish fishing village - a setting used several times in BCland - and stays with Ben in his gang. No new places to see, no new people to meet, no CHANGE. Same place, same time, same smeg happening. The Doctor doesn't leave, indeed, he doesn't want to leave.

Why not?

Well, I can't help but notice that in Spara's season pitches, the stories are 99% set in contemporary England. The TARDIS doesn't travel very far in time and hardly ever in space. Why not? Is it that Spara just prefers rehashing the UNIT era? Or is it because he can't think of anything beyond it?

I have to say there's a fundamental lack of imagination in Sparacus' stuff, as reflected in his reviews. He embraced Midnight for its dark and pessimistic tone... but has never once mentioned the brilliant ideas of an alien sun that turns people to ash and planets to diamonds that are poisonous. That sort of stuff Sparacus can't
seem to comprehend. The one story he had on another planet was a word for word copy of The Long Game and mentioned Von Daniken!

This is why Spara churns up this unoriginal rubbish, and why he's still clinging to Ben Chatham after five years of non-stop ridicule.

He's got nothing else.

He can't use his brain to come up with new ideas or spins on old concepts, he can't come up with original villains or impressive dialogue. Even his canned laughter and stares to camera scream of someone unable to think outside the reference of 1970s television. His "cutting edge" Doctor talks like a Ninja Turtle and randomly uses the phrases "facebook" "myspace" and "Skins" without any understanding. It's not down to some youth hatred or racism or even classism on Spara's part. He literally cannot do anything beyond his tiny parameters.

His next big story revolves around Henry VIII for crying out loud! Not only is it a historical figure, but one he's already used. He can't think of anything new, which even LBC managed with his Apocalypse Chaser. And since he cannot think of anything new, the idea of ending a story with the TARDIS - a machine powered by the imagination of the author - leaving 1970s-style rural England is anathema to him. He cannot comprehend anything beyond it, ergo the TARDIS cannot leave and indeed must not. His giving Ben Chatham his own spin off wasn't about giving Adam Rickitt the limelight, but admitting he cannot work with the character of the Tenth Doctor and thus makes him Pertwee with an obsession for booze and attending lectures on Gothic architecture.

This is why his pitch for Season 5 is a cliched, offensive remake of The Green Death with a yobbo for a Doctor.

It's not satire or humor.

It's because Spara cannot comprehend how anyone at all could do anything else.

9 comments:

Miles Reid said...

A perfectly damning article summing up the whole, pathetic Sparacus ouevre.

Cameron Mason said...

Perfect.

No more need be said about the subject again.

Ever.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Why thank you both. Yes, I believe I may be getting over this Sparachatham nonsense at long last.

And Cam

a) did you have to post on his blog? I thought we were trying to starve the bastard! He didn't even spell "memorable" correctly! (hmmm, maybe not over as much as I thought...)
b) what alien invaders do you think Gabriel Chase write for? I read his entire pathetic website he only likes seaweed from FFTD!!

Cameron Mason said...


a) did you have to post on his blog? I thought we were trying to starve the bastard! He didn't even spell "memorable" correctly! (hmmm, maybe not over as much as I thought...)


I know...

But I just had to pick at an old wound, especially when he's making ridiculous claims...


b) what alien invaders do you think Gabriel Chase write for? I read his entire pathetic website he only likes seaweed from FFTD!!


That might have to do.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I know...
But I just had to pick at an old wound, especially when he's making ridiculous claims...

Surely the fact that NOONE was replying picked at that wound. Besides, he just says "oh, on the DWF"! You didn't even point out that DWF DOESN'T COUNT AS THE PUBLIC!

That might have to do.
Seaweed in spaceships?

Cameron Mason said...


You didn't even point out that DWF DOESN'T COUNT AS THE PUBLIC!


He hasn't approved that comment yet...


Seaweed in spaceships?


That's essentially the plot of The Pescatons...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Mmmm. Pescatons...

Oddly enough GC has never heard of it, as it's not on the PU page.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I was quite disappointed when the Mods deleted this, so thanks for uploading it for posterity.

Youth of Australia said...

Just hope they don't loiter here and make a connection.

Meantime, yes, I admit, my next BF spoof is by Gabriel Chase! To say anything else would ruin the surprise but the main villains are, I feel confident, the LAST monsters you would EVER, EVER expect to return...