Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Possession is 9/10ths of the Law

Based on an unfinished comic strip I found mere minutes ago...



SCENE 1 - OUTSIDE

It is dusk and raining heavily over a tall, Gothic building. The lights aren't on. There are Lovecraftian gargoyles on either side of the main door. The surrounding landscape is bleak. Caption: MELBOURNE. A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT.

Dave, Nigel and Andrew walk into view, all three soaked to the skin from the rain and holding bags of possessions (Andrew's is a tramp's pole with a bag tied to the end). They look up at the building.


DAVE: As youth hostels go, this does look a little pricey...

Nevertheless he bangs the knocker on the door. As he does so there is a brilliant flash as a roar of thunder. Andrew blinks as Dave steps back from the door. Nigel stands behind them, ignored.

ANDREW: That's ominous.

DAVE: No. That's thunder.

ANDREW: Oh. Right.

With a creak the doors open slightly. Someone is standing in the doorway, but they cannot be seen clearly. Their voice is genderless, a hissing whisper.

OWNER: [VO] Speak... Speak.

Dave steps forward, smiling winningly.

DAVE: Good evening, sir! We are three young travelers who seek comfortable lodgings...

Andrew leans over in front of Dave to speak to the owner. He grins insanely.

ANDREW: CHEAP lodgings, to be precise!

The door slams shut instantly. A long pause as the trio stand in the rain.

ANDREW: Oh, fantastic.

DAVE: You had to mention the PRICE, didn't you?!

ANDREW: Ah. The seedy issue of money. Considering we have none...

Suddenly the door swings wide open, seemingly of its own accord. The Owner stands in the doorway, still unable to be seen clearly.

OWNER: [VO] Sixty dollars per man. Per night. No alcohol, no smoking, no noise.

Dave and Andrew exchange looks. Nigel remains in the background, forgotten.

OWNER: [VO] Follow.

Dave smiles and leads the way into the building. Nigel follows, as does Andrew.

DAVE: Thank you, sir! That will be fine! You're very gracious...

ANDREW: Sixty bucks? They better have a jaccuzi!


SCENE 2 - BEDROOM

More of a cell than a bedroom. There are three beds, each lined against the wall. Light comes from a candle on a table beside the door, the only wall free of beds. Dave dumps his satchel on the bed and crosses over to the door as if to check it is locked. Andrew puts his pile against his bed and folds his arms in annoyance. Nigel stands in the middle of the room, staring blankly ahead, not speaking.

ANDREW: Great. No television!

DAVE: [SOTTO] Quiet! We don't want to cause a fuss! [ANXIOUS] That creepy guy might come back...

ANDREW: Look. I'm cold. Tired. And the staff of this cheap lodging act like Satanists at Christmas.

There is a faint gurgle from Nigel. No one notices.

ANDREW: And PORRIDGE for dinner?!

Another urgle.

DAVE: You're a real snob sometimes, Drew.

Another urgle. Nigel starts to speak in a thick, sluggish voice. Dave and Andrew lean forward and peer at him. He looks very unwell. His hair is lank. He is drooling.

NIGEL: Illuminati... free masons... Jesuit pope... dumpkoff...

His shades fall askew, revealing his eyes are bone white. Suddenly he screams.

NIGEL: AND SILENT BEFORE US, THE COAL IF AKK NIRTAKS! THE DARK VEILED PORTAL! AS STARS OVER US REST AS SILENT AS THE GRAVES UNDERNEATH US!

Nigel falls silent and gives a cheesy grin. Andrew and Dave lean back and resume the conversation as if nothing had happened.

ANDREW: Did you just call me a snob?

DAVE: You could be a bit more polite, that's all I'm saying...

Still grinning, Nigel turns his head to face Dave.

ANDREW: POLITE?! I haven't set fire to the beds! Isn't that POLITE enough?

Nigel's head continues to turn.

DAVE: Do you HAVE to be so... abbrasive?

ANDREW: Dave, unlike you, I have no time to pamper a hotel staff less friendly than the gargoyles out the front.

Nigel's head is now facing entirely the wrong way.

DAVE: And unlike you, Andrew, I don't want to get us chucked out.

ANDREW: What not? The rain's probably stopped by now?

Andrew sits down on his bed and leans against the wall, arms behind his head. Nigel's head continues to turn until it is the right way round, having revolved 360 degrees. He still grins cheesily, his eyes white.

DAVE: [SIGHS] Why didn't we stick with Eve?

ANDREW: You're too dependent on a nubile millionairess.

DAVE: And that's a bad thing? ...Did you see that?

ANDREW: See what?

DAVE: That.

Dave nods toward Nigel. His head is spinning round and round so fast it is nothing but a grinning blur. Niether of them make any move.

ANDREW: Oh.

DAVE: You think he's possessed?

ANDREW: Either that or the sexual frustration's getting to him.

We now see Nigel has turned into a strange, plant like mass of tendrils sprouting from his I AM WHAT WOMEN WANT T-shirt. Two tendrils end in giant eyeballs.

DAVE: Why him and not us?

ANDREW: Nigel's psychic defenses couldn't keep out an Amway salesman.

Dave eyes Nigel, now resembling a strange Neanderthal fanged version of himself.

DAVE: Sort of 'psychic spam'?

Andrew shrugs. Nigel now resembles a Zarbi.

ANDREW: Daintility put.

With a loud pop, Nigel returns to normal - albeit with bone white eyes, his hair a mess and he looks incredibly unwell. A beat. Suddenly he projectile vomits everywhere like a broken fire hydrant.

ANDREW: You can't take him anywhere, can you?

45 comments:

Cameron Mason said...

Dude!

Big Finish are adapting the original Season 23 stories for audio - details in DWM 405.

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Well, only a matter of time, I guess. And it goes with the general discouragement of original thought that seems to be Briggsy's central policy.

Does that include Yellow Fever and How to Cure It, though? It'd be a short run otherwise, but you have the issue of Anthony Ainley and essentially no completed script if you decide to run with the story...

Maybe they can use Ewen's Song of the Space Whale adaptation in it's place? They know they want to...

Anyway, I liked the YoA sketch. Feels a bit like The Mighty Boosh's saner moments.

Cameron Mason said...

Dunno.

Not until my copy of the issue arrives in about a week, or if more info filters out in the forums, on wikipedia, or on Big Finish's web site.

I'm assuming it is the trilogy of The Nightmare Fair, The Ultimate Evil and Mission to Magnus.

Given how Bidmead's last work for Big Finish went, I doubt we'd see any form of his script; as for Yellow Fever, who knows as all that was written was heap of ideas and a vague outline.

Now if they had somehow managed to track down either a detailed story breakdown that could be adapted or even a rough script for Children of January / The Mirror as the last story in the releases, now THAT would be a real coup.

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hmm, don't know anything about that one..

I was about to suggest the brilliant Nightmare Country be adapted for Colin's Doctor to help put some meat on the 'season', but then realised that would mean two 'Nightmares' in close proximity. Dang.

I must be slow on the uptake tonight, as I only just realised that this means at least three more releases with the wonderful Nicola Bryant! Wooo! BRING IT ON!

Cameron Mason said...

News has finally popped up in the forums:


Starting in January 2010 BF will release adaptations of the original planned season 23, to star Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant. The first two releases are:

The Nightmare Fair, adapted by John Ainsworth from Graham Williams script/novelisation.
Mission to Magnus, by Philip Martin.

Colin Baker "couldn't have been more delighted" says Lost Stories producer David Richardson.

(Info from DWM 405 page 14)


This seems to suggest that ALL stories originally planned for Season 23 are going to be recorded.

This means that The Ultimate Evil will probably be the third story, someone is going to attempt a version of Yellow Fever, Big Finish have kissed and made up with Bidmead sothey can use his story, and there's some sort of usable material to create a version of Children of January.

Cameron

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yes... but what the hell IS Children of January??

Youth of Australia said...

Bloody hell!

Cam: WHAT?!

Jared: Amazing. Especially as the very first thing they said when they did Sirens of Time is they would NEVER adapt the missing season.

And the Master wouldn't HAVE to be in Yellow Fever. Just the Rani, and if Kate O Mare didn't mind that tentacle rape insanity of Rani Reaps The Whirlwind, it's pisseasy. And if Saward agrees to do it. Again.

That would be a birthday present.

Yeah, it's the strip for the long-aborted YOA annual...

Cam: I doubt Bidmead HAS a script. I mean, he's been so freaking secretive for 20 years I doubt it's there. I bet he really DID have the Master and Mel in a computer fraud and has been lying to look cool.

Jared: They could always change Nightmare Fair BACK to Arcade, its working title.

Cam: Gosh, this is the busiest this blog has been without possible police involvement.

Jared: The answer.

Youth of Australia said...

The Children of January
by: Michael Feeney Callan
Episodes:

Story: The Doctor and Peri encounter the Z'ros, a race of runaway proto-humanoids
(a form of 'human bees'). The Children of January of the title are renegade
outcasts of a dawning 'parallel universe' civilization that was abandoned.

Notes: Michael Feeney Callan submitted this story idea in 1984, and it was
considered as a possibility to close the original Season 23. Following the
hiatus, Callan was invited to rewrite it from two 45 minute episodes into
four 25 minute episodes, but it was abandoned when the Trial format was
developed in June 1985.

I actually named Katy after this story you know. Katy January. It was nothing to do with the Addams Family or anything...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Ah, I did wonder if Katy's rather odd name was a reference to something...


Hold up!

Valley of Shadows

by: Phillip Martin
Episodes:
Submitted for: Season 22

Story: The Doctor and Peri travel back to Ancient Egypt to investigate an alien
landing and its effects on the Pharaoh Akhenaton and his people.

Notes: The second of the three storylines submitted by Martin in early 1984. Interstingly it is also the second lost script to include Pharaoh Akhenaton, the first being Brian Hayles 'The Hands of Aten'


Bloody hell. I thought I was being so clever when I came up with the idea of aliens brainwashing Akhenaten... when you look at that period of history, though, the idea actually would explain quite a bit..

Youth of Australia said...

Ah, I did wonder if Katy's rather odd name was a reference to something...
I might do an etymological essay on their names. They usually mean something. Even bit part characters like Maurice have curious names (his is from The King's Demons...)

Cameron Mason said...

Here we go...

Cam: WHAT?!

I know!

A separate Sixth Doctor/Peri range!!!!!

Brilliant idea, though the execution of it remains to be seen...

Jared: Amazing. Especially as the very first thing they said when they did Sirens of Time is they would NEVER adapt the missing season.

Except that was under the reign of Gary Russell, now that Briggsy is in charge, it's open season on anything that they can adapt.

Unless I'm wrong and someone else pitch this idea now that Gary's living it up in Cardiff...

Cam: I doubt Bidmead HAS a script. I mean, he's been so freaking secretive for 20 years I doubt it's there. I bet he really DID have the Master and Mel in a computer fraud and has been lying to look cool.

Indeed.

Cam: Gosh, this is the busiest this blog has been without possible police involvement.

I know!

Cheers Big Finish!

Bloody hell. I thought I was being so clever when I came up with the idea of aliens brainwashing Akhenaten... when you look at that period of history, though, the idea actually would explain quite a bit..

I studied Akhenaten at High School and at University. There was this one reasource in the Uni library that argued that Akhenaten=Moses.

I put that book back on the shelf very quickly...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I know!
A separate Sixth Doctor/Peri range!!!!!
Brilliant idea, though the execution of it remains to be seen...

Indeed. The Stageplays show they can STILL do utterly brilliant... as long as they give a crap.

Except that was under the reign of Gary Russell, now that Briggsy is in charge, it's open season on anything that they can adapt.
This now means I have to judge which NF is better - the one with Chip Jamison or the one with Nick Briggs?

Unless I'm wrong and someone else pitch this idea now that Gary's living it up in Cardiff...
Scene: a bar somewhere. Nigel Verkoff is reading DWM.

NIGEL: Me and my big mouth...

I know!
Cheers Big Finish!

Remarkably little reaction on the forums, I note. Shows how few people give a damn any more.

Odd that I get a copy of TDD and NOW people suggest BF make an audio adaption of it...

What next? Subscriber Freebie: Trial 14 by Eric Saward?

My parodies used to be so EXCLUSIVE!

Cameron Mason said...

Scene: a bar somewhere. Nigel Verkoff is reading DWM.

NIGEL: Me and my big mouth...


Heh.

Remarkably little reaction on the forums, I note. Shows how few people give a damn any more.

If this had been done in 2003 there'd be a street parade held in its honour...

What next? Subscriber Freebie: Trial 14 by Eric Saward?

Now that you mention it...

My parodies used to be so EXCLUSIVE!

Coming soon from Big Finish Productions: Doctor Who - The Parodies...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

If this had been done in 2003 there'd be a street parade held in its honour...
Covers on DWM, Time Team, Letters and the Comic Strip skipped for a full article, retropective...

Now that you mention it...
Dear God, it's bad enough as it is, but on AUDIO?! I bet Briggsy the narrator will do wonders with the swiss army knife scene...

Coming soon from Big Finish Productions: Doctor Who - The Parodies...
Is it true, Cam? Have YOU betrayed ME to the Bald Toothbrush-Wielding MANIAC?!?!

Cameron

Cameron Mason said...

Covers on DWM, Time Team, Letters and the Comic Strip skipped for a full article, retropective...

Exactly.

Now that you mention it...
Dear God, it's bad enough as it is, but on AUDIO?!


Not yet.

Long may it stay that way...

Coming soon from Big Finish Productions: Doctor Who - The Parodies...
Is it true, Cam? Have YOU betrayed ME to the Bald Toothbrush-Wielding MANIAC?!?!


I swear I haven't!

On these sweet thrity pieces of silver I received from Erica Galloway I swear I haven't!!!!!!!!!!

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Not yet.
Long may it stay that way...

I did my adaptation of it, it was still a pointlessly depressing dead end.

I swear I haven't!
On these sweet thrity pieces of silver I received from Erica Galloway I swear I haven't!!!!!!!!!!

....mmmm. OK. But I'm still watching you.

Cameron Mason said...

David Richardson, who is producing the range for Big Finish has said that thatthe full list of titles will be revealed in a future issue of DWM.

I'm personally hoping for a four disc box set with both versions of Song of the Space Whale in it - Fifth Doctor version and Sixth Doctor version.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

You bloody traitor!

No wonder you never finished Riddle of the Sphyx...

Cameron Mason said...

You bloody traitor!

Did I confirm I was involved in this?

(Shit!

Sorry David.

Please don't cancel my adaptation of Son of Doctor Who...)

No wonder you never finished Riddle of the Sphyx...

It is finished.

In my head.

You can either wait until I have time to type it all up, or invent a brain sucking device.

Your choice...

Cameron

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Did I confirm I was involved in this? (Shit! Sorry David. Please don't cancel my adaptation of Son of Doctor Who...)
Condemned out of your own soiled blogger comments!

You KNEW I wanted to do Son of Doctor Who! You think I did The Rupture for any other reason?!

It is finished.
In my head.
You can either wait until I have time to type it all up, or invent a brain sucking device.
Your choice...


...that was a particularly stupid challenge. You KNOW I have a collander, electrodes and ridiculous amounts of free time...

Cameron Mason said...

Condemned out of your own soiled blogger comments!

Oh.

Arse.

You KNEW I wanted to do Son of Doctor Who! You think I did The Rupture for any other reason?!

Because you like a challenge?


...that was a particularly stupid challenge. You KNOW I have a collander, electrodes and ridiculous amounts of free time...


Go ahead!

I laugh in the, erm, face of your machine.

HA HA HA!

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Go ahead!
I laugh in the, erm, face of your machine.
HA HA HA!

That's it. Laugh. Soon you shall be unable to do anything BUT laugh...

Cameron Mason said...


That's it. Laugh. Soon you shall be unable to do anything BUT laugh...


That's fine.

Just leave me with something funny.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

What?

Like THIS?!

Cameron Mason said...

Could be worse.

Could be a proper Chavvem 'story'...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

What?

Like THIS?!?


Nah, I'm joshing. I got nothing.

Cameron Mason said...


Nah, I'm joshing. I got nothing.


Just as I expected.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Mahahaha. The fool doesn't suspect a thing!

Gosh, 28 posts...

Cameron Mason said...

I have a cunning plan...

Cameron

Cameron Mason said...

Sorry to drag this back to something close to serious, but it appears that the Lost Stories range will have seven stories in it.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Hmmm...

1: Nightmare Fair
2: Mission to Magnus
3: The Ultimate Evil
4: Yellow Fever?
5: Hollows of Time?
6: Children of January?

Out of the other sixth Doctor stories, the only ones I know made it to script level were Guardians of Prophecy and Attack from the Mind...

Cameron Mason said...

As I suggested earlier, Song of the Space Whale could be a possibility, given how close it came to being produced as part of Season 22, and that the story author has a good relationship with Big Finish.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Look, can we change the subject from BF doing a rubbish adaptation of something I have shown I can do much better? Life's depressing enough dudes...

Cameron Mason said...

Look, can we change the subject from BF doing a rubbish adaptation of something I have shown I can do much better? Life's depressing enough dudes...


Sure.

The trailer for Children of Earth is now up on OG's news page.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Gotcha. Uh... where exactly does COF fit into continuity? According to wiki, it's between the end of Season 3 and the Christmas special...

Cameron Mason said...

I'm guessing it's going to be "each episode in a different era" - Izzy's story during the comic strip run (before the Destrii arc), Benny's story is set during Season 10 of the Benny audios, Fitz's story could be anywhere, and Mary's story would be before Storm Warning.

Unless of course there's a twist that Big Finish are keeping quiet in that it's all linked by Lucie wanting to know if she's the most annoying companion the Doctor's ever had - "Most annoying? I'll show you an alcoholic archaeologist, a layabout who thinks he's James Bond, a sci fi geek and a famous author. Then we'll see if your brand of Northern 'charm' is annyoing..."

Cameron

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Is Lucie the most annoying companion ever?

The answer may surprise you.

Then again...

it might not.

Cameron Mason said...

You certainly seem to be portraying her that way in your guide entries...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Well, it's not out of a mindless hatred for Sheridan Smith. If she was more like in JC than DW, I would have little but praise for her. Of course, if they actually had some non-irritating material for Lucie, yeah, that might help.

Cameron Mason said...

Sheridan does a brilliant job.

I just wish they'd give her more diverse material to work with - she has great comic timing that's just going to waste.

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I know. Bloody tragedy. Like an inverse Adric - instead of a likable character being ruined by a crap actor, it's a rubbish character ruined a brilliant actress...

Speaking of Adric, I caught a few cut scenes from Warrior's Gate. He was bloody awful in them. Does my tolerance for him come from the fact I was ingrained with his performance? Or maybe he was just crap in those scenes (being upstaged by a robot dog going backwards has flawed many, after all...)

Cameron Mason said...

Apparently Matthew Waterhouse was good as a guest part in To Serve Them All My Days, but as a show secondary lead - no chance...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, he was brilliant in that. It's a question of playing to his strengths. I think Dave Owen said that Adric would be a difficult character for most to do justice - artful dodger computer geek social misfit with his persecution complex... not everyone's as good as Philip Glennister.

Bloody hell, this post has the most comments ever. And but one is actually about the actual post...

Cameron Mason said...


Bloody hell, this post has the most comments ever. And but one is actually about the actual post...


Yeah...

Sorry about that...

Stuck at work, on a break, found out BIG Big FInish news and had to share it...

It all just snowballed from there...

Cameron

Youth of Australia said...

I'd probably have done the same.