Don't Call Us...

Perhaps a better reason to blogpost than a rant about the Emperor, instead I've stumbled across an audio script I wrote for Matthew Kopelke's Back to Reality series a while back; Sweet Dreams, Slow Death. He never responded beyond acknowledgement of the episode, and in recent years I discovered why - bar anything else, it had actually been done by them, albeit in a slightly less blatant manner. It's like me trying to get Moffat to commission me for a story set in a giant space library full of air phiranas shaped like shadows...

Still, here it is, written during one of my deep, deep dark depressions circa 2003. I was inspired by BTR's first story, Darkness Falls, when the Master possesses the Eighth Doctor and gets him to murder his never-mentioned-before-or-since companion Thomas Caldwell. My idea was for the ghost of Thomas to come back and want revenge... or maybe an alien using that image. Or maybe the TARDIS itself.

[This entire concept was used in a throwaway line in their story Dominion. No wonder they never wrote back, they probably thought I was taking the piss and after that Sirens of Time/Zagreus unpleasantness... Mind you, I still don't know if I got the female companion's name right, and maybe the refs to the divergent universe, not to mention Nigel Verkoff, were a bit offputting. Maybe Bill Billingsly was too busy? And maybe the Golden Brown stuff is layed on a bit thick, but it's a hell of a lot more imaginative than BF's latest "let's make the monster a female zombie singing Oranges and Lemons - neato" phase...]


==============================

PROLOGUE

1. TARDIS CORRIDOR

(FX: HUM OF THE TARDIS INTERIOR. SLOW, MEASURED FOOTSTEPS GETTING CLOSER. SOMEONE IS HUMMING A TUNE. THE FOOTSTEPS STOP SUDDENLY. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.)

ANGIE: (BEHIND DOOR) Come in. Hello?*

(THE DOOR OPENS)

ANGIE: Hello? Doctor? Guy? (BEAT) Weird. I’m sure I... (ANNOYED) Guy! If this is another practical joke, then it isn’t funny!

(AN ETHEREAL WHISPER)

VOICE: No need to fight.

ANGIE: Guy! Where are you? Hide and seek now, is it?

(THE VOICE CHUCKLES)

ANGIE: Why is it so dark? Hey, TARDIS, turn up the lights! (BEAT) Maybe the bulb’s gone...

VOICE: Throughout the night. No need to fight.

ANGIE: (STARTLED) Guy! What’s with the funny voice? Are you going to step up where I can see you or what?

VOICE: Finer temptress.

ANGIE: Look, I have no idea what you’re...

(FOOTSTEPS AS THE OWNER OF THE VOICE STAGGERS FORWARD)

ANGIE: You’re not Guy. How did you get aboard? (SHOCKED) Oh, oh God. Oh, no. What – what happened? Are you all right? Stupid question, sorry...

VOICE: Never... a frown...

ANGIE: Oh, so much blood. Look, stay here. I’ll get the Doctor.

VOICE: Stay. Stay for a day.

ANGIE: No, I promise I’ll back in two seconds. (SHOUTS) Doctor! Doctor, where are you? I need your help! (TO NEWCOMER) These injuries, what happened? Who did this to you?

VOICE: Brown...

ANGIE: Brown did this? Who’s Brown, then?

(A SUDDEN, FIRMER, CLOSER LAUGH. THE VOICE BEGINS TO SING A SONG, ITS VOICE SUDDENLY HORRIBLE AND EVIL – THE SINGING’S NOT TOO BAD, THOUGH. FX: LOUDER AND CLOSER AS THE FIGURE ADVANCES)

VOICE: ‘Golden brown / Texture like sun / Lays me down / With my mind she runs...’ **

ANGIE: What? No, no, wait, get back! Get back!

VOICE: (GETTING ANGRIER) ‘Throughout the night / No need to fight...’

ANGIE: No, please!

VOICE: (PRACTICALLY SCREAMING) ‘Never a frown...’

(SCREAMS, AND THEN A THUD AS SHE HITS THE FLOOR. LONG PAUSE) *

VOICE: (SOFT, SATISFIED) ‘...with golden brown.’


(OPENING THEME)



PART ONE


1. BASEMENT

(FX: MUFFLED TV OR MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. AFTER A SHORT WHILE THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE TARDIS MATERIALIZING. IT IS WARPED AND SKIPPING, AS IF UNDER GREAT STRAIN. IT FLUCTUATES AROUND THE FINAL ‘THUD’ AND REPEATS ITSELF. THE DOOR OPENS AS THE LANDING NOISE REPEATS, AND WITH A GRUNT OF EFFORT THE EIGHTH DOCTOR LUNGES OUT OF THE POLICE BOX. HE CRASHES INTO SOME LOOSE CRATES AND THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR. THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS AS THE TARDIS FINALLY LANDS.)

8TH DOCTOR: (WOOZY) Oh, no. Another seven years of bad luck. I’ll never catch up at this rate.

(HE GROANS AND PASSES OUT. A PAUSE. ANOTHER DOOR OPENS, AND THE ATMOS OF UPSTAIRS CAN BE HEARD)

THOMAS: (CONTINUING A CONVERSATION) ...it was not nothing! Something fell over!

NIGEL: Well, it can’t fall any further, can it? ****

THOMAS: Fine! I’ll go on my own!

(THOMAS SLOWLY DESCENDS THE STEPS)

THOMAS: Hello? Anyone down here? Trespassers aren’t exactly welcome round these parts!

(A PAUSE)

NIGEL: Y’see? Nothing’s down there. Relax!

THOMAS: You relax, Nigel! It’s all your good for!

NIGEL: (OFFENDED) Hey, I resemble that remark!

(MORE FOOTSTEPS)

THOMAS: Ok, burglar. I know the lights aren’t as bright as they could be, but I wasn’t expecting company. Now, I’m sure you can see I’m carrying something. Is it just a baseball bat? Or maybe a second-hand but still pretty deadly samurai sword? Only one way to find out – come on, step forward. (PAUSE) Fine. I guess you’ll just have to find out which one it is when I (FASTER) smash your stupid head in! (SHOCKED) What the – Who the hell are you?

8TH DOCTOR: (GROANS) Not now. Too early in the morning.

THOMAS: What are you doing in my basement?

8TH DOCTOR: Lying on the ground in a great deal of pain.

(THOMAS DROPS THE BAT. THE NOISE MAKES THE 8TH DOCTOR GASP)

THOMAS: What happened?

8TH DOCTOR: TARDIS malfunctioned... Nothing out of the usual. Still getting used to the old home universe... *****

THOMAS: What are you talking about?

8TH DOCTOR: (LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS AGAIN) If you don’t... want... to know, don’t... ask...

THOMAS: Hey, come on, wake up. (CALLS) Nigel! Get your butt down here.

NIGEL: OK, OK, get your pants on... ******

(THOMAS HELPS THE 8TH DOCTOR UPRIGHT)

THOMAS: That’s it. Up you get. Come on.

8TH DOCTOR: Have we met before?******* Your face is... No, I can’t see your face...

THOMAS: Not surprising. It’s pretty dark down here.

8TH DOCTOR: Uh, what’s your name?

THOMAS: Thomas. Thomas Caldwell.

8TH DOCTOR: (WORRIED) Thomas? No, no that’s not right.

GUY: (DISTANT AND DISTORTED) What do you mean?

8TH DOCTOR: Thomas... No. No, please, I’m sorry...

GUY: Doctor? Doctor?

8TH DOCTOR: Thomas! (BEGINNING TO DISTORT) Where are you? I can’t see you!

GUY: Doctor? Wake up! Doctor!

(THE DOCTOR’S VOICE IS NOW SO DISTORTED, IT IS BOTH THE 8TH AND THE 9TH DOCTOR SPEAKING)

DOCTOR: (PANICKING) This doesn’t make sense!

GUY: (BOOMING AND LOUD) Doctor!********



2. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

(FX: BACKGROUND TARDIS HUM)

DOCTOR: (STARTLED) Gahh!

GUY: Doctor, wake up!

DOCTOR: (BREATHING SHAKILY) I’m awake! I’m awake! Leave me alone!

GUY: What’s wrong with you?

DOCTOR: Get away from me! (DAZED) The TARDIS? Dream... Just a dream.

GUY: Doctor, what is it?

DOCTOR: Thomas...

GUY: (HECKLES RISING) My name’s not Thomas!*********

DOCTOR: (SNAPS) I know your name’s not Thomas! You’re Guy de Anwar and I am the Doctor. (LESS CERTAIN) The Doctor.

GUY: (GENTLER) Are you sure you’re all right?

DOCTOR: What happened, Guy?

GUY: What do you mean, ‘what happened’?

DOCTOR: I mean ‘what happened’?

GUY: Er, I came into the control room and you were just standing by the controls. You weren’t moving, or even breathing.

DOCTOR: (SOTTO) You should try it sometime.**********

GUY: (ANNOYED) What?

DOCTOR: (QUICKLY) What was I doing?

GUY: Nothing, like I said. You were just staring into the time rotor.

DOCTOR: (CORRECTING HIM) Column.***********

GUY: OK, time column. I tried to wake you up, you screamed about something not making sense and, well... here we are.

DOCTOR: So I did. I’m sorry, Guy. It was some kind of... hallucination. Or maybe something else?

GUY: (CHUCKLES) Have you been trying those samples that hippy in Blackpool gave you?

DOCTOR: (IRRITABLE) Guy, your mocking an experience you haven’t felt by comparing it to another experience you haven’t felt is not as amusing as it once was!*************

GUY: God, you woke up on the wrong side of reality this morning, didn’t you? Look, forget about your nervous breakdown for the moment...

DOCTOR: (DANGEROUSLY) My what?

GUY: Come on, Doctor. You think I haven’t noticed?

DOCTOR: Noticed what?

GUY: Ever since the Watcher business, you’ve been acting stranger and stranger.*************

DOCTOR: ‘Strange’ is a relative term, Guy.

GUY: Emptying storage holds and then leaving the stuff on the floor? Rearranging the TARDIS corridors again and again and then back again – even you get lost! Then you start locking yourself in your room for the odd three days, before trying to rebuild the console and now you’re hallucinating about Thomas the Tank Engine –

(QUICKLY, THE DOCTOR CHANGES THE TOPIC)

DOCTOR: Why don’t you have time?

GUY: (CONFUSED) What now?

DOCTOR: You don’t have time for my nervous breakdown, you said. Why? What’s so important?

GUY: Angie.

DOCTOR: What about her?

GUY: I can’t find her anywhere.

DOCTOR: You can’t?

GUY: No.

DOCTOR: Why didn’t you mention it earlier?

GUY: I just thought you’d re-arranged the corridors again.

DOCTOR: Well, I haven’t!

GUY: You’re sure?

DOCTOR: Of course I am!

GUY: All right, I trust you. Besides, isn’t there some control here we can use to find her?

DOCTOR: Er, yes. Yes. Here it is. Detects life signs within the TARDIS interior.

(FX: TARDIS CONTROL WHIRRING, THEN STOPPING)

GUY: Well?

DOCTOR: Nothing. Which means either we all are dead and yet still are walking, talking and arguing. Or...

GUY: The detector’s not working?

DOCTOR: A possibility.

(THE DOCTOR AND GUY WALK TO THE EXIT, FADING OUT THEIR VOICES)

DOCTOR: Come on, we better look for her, then.

GUY: Brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?

DOCTOR: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Guy.

GUY: Are you being ironic?

DOCTOR: Oh, ha, ha.

(A PAUSE. WE HEAR THE VOICE HUMMING THE SONG HE SANG EARLIER)


3. TARDIS CORRIDOR

(FX: TARDIS HUM AND FOOTSTEPS)

DOCTOR: Right, the TARDIS always ensures the interior conforms to the basic template map. So, all we have to do is take alternate left and right passages... or is it just every second left? Wait a minute, did you check her room?

GUY: Yes. The door was open. No sign of her. You’re sure you weren’t re-arranging the interior back there?

DOCTOR: To be honest, Guy, I’m not sure. But the TARDIS is full of safety-back-ups. If there was a living person in the area about to altered, an alarm would have gone off.

GUY: Would it? With that life detector not working?

DOCTOR: Good point. Still, we’ll just have a good look around before we assume the worst. *14

(A FEW MOMENTS OF SILENCE AS THEY WALK)

GUY: Doctor?

DOCTOR: (SIGHS) Yes, Guy?

GUY: Who is Thomas? (BEAT) You mentioned Thomas before. You weren’t mixing up my name in your confusion. I know you weren’t. Who is he?

DOCTOR: There was once a proud warrior on a distant planet. His name was Tomas (“Tow-maz”) but you could pronounce it ‘Thomas’ if you wanted to. Of course, he would have slit your throat for it.

GUY: Did you mispronounce his name?

DOCTOR: Several times. He let me off lightly.*15

GUY: That’s not the Thomas I’m asking about, is it?

DOCTOR: No.

GUY: Are you going to tell me?

DOCTOR: Why should I?

GUY: Why shouldn’t you?

DOCTOR: Good question. Do you have a good answer?

(THEY WALK IN SILENCE)

GUY: Is he something to do with Chloe?

(THE DOCTOR STOPS WALKING)

DOCTOR: ‘Chloe’?

GUY: Chloe Richards. Did she have something to do with Thomas? Was she his girlfriend or something?

DOCTOR: How do you know about Chloe? (FIRMLY) Answer me. *16

GUY: (TAKEN ABACK) I – I, well, er. When I first came aboard, when we were off to Pandrolyn, I went to the cloak room. There was this woman’s jacket with a name tag, Chloe Richards.

DOCTOR: And?

GUY: (PATRONIZING) And the next time I went to the cloak room, said jacket was gone. I think you took it. What happened?*17

DOCTOR: Chloe Richards... has nothing whatsoever to do with ‘Thomas’.

(THE DOCTOR STARTS WALKING. AFTER A MOMENT, GUY FOLLOWS)

GUY: Will you tell me who she was, then?

DOCTOR: Maybe. Why are you so interested all of a sudden?

GUY: I’m just testing your memory, Doctor. Seems like someone should the way you’re acting these days.

DOCTOR: All right, I’m finding it difficult to concentrate at the moment, I admit that. But I don’t rifle through your private life, so leave mine alone. Whatever theories you have about Chloe, Thomas or myself I can assure you that, even if they are correct, they are not relevant.

GUY: Why are they not relevant?

DOCTOR: Guy, please, just leave it! (BEAT) Guy, get out of my way.

GUY: Something bad happened to them, didn’t it?

DOCTOR: Yes.

GUY: Could it have happened to Angie?

DOCTOR: No, now, (WITH EFFORT) if you’ll excuse me...

(SILENCE)

GUY: Doctor? Doctor? Oh, no, don’t freak out again –

DOCTOR: (QUIETLY) Guy. Turn around.

GUY: Now what?

(SILENCE)

GUY: Oh, my god... What is that?

DOCTOR: Blood. The smell’s quite distinctive. (READS) ‘The sound of silence’.

GUY: Why would anyone write that on a wall in blood?

DOCTOR: I don’t know, but it’s probably important.

GUY: Doctor! A Simon and Garfunkle song is not worth spilling blood for!

DOCTOR: Simon and Garfunkle?

GUY: A crap band.*18 You know? The song? The Sound of Silence? The blood’s still wet. Is it human? (BEAT) Is it?

DOCTOR: Yes. But it might not be Angie’s.

GUY: Then who else is there?

DOCTOR: No idea. Don’t recognize the handwriting.

GUY: There’s no one else in the TARDIS! You never shut up about how impregnable the ship is – no matter how many people break inside!

DOCTOR: All right, the TARDIS isn’t perfect. But few people can get inside without setting off all sort of alarms.

GUY: What alarms?

DOCTOR: The Cloister Bell, for one... Oh.

GUY: What?

DOCTOR: I understand. The sound of silence.

GUY: Yeah, I already told you, it’s a crap song...

DOCTOR: No, no, you’re looking too close. Those words... The sound of silence.

GUY: What about it?

DOCTOR: (MUTTERS) Mocking me. Mocking me.

GUY: Who’s mocking you?

DOCTOR: ‘Unless the Cloister Bell sounds like silence’.*19 It’s a quote. (AFRAID) No, please, not again.

GUY: Doctor, explain!

DOCTOR: I can’t. Guy, keep looking for her. I’m off to the console room.

GUY: Why?

DOCTOR: We’ve got to materialize immediately. (RUNNING OFF) Otherwise we’ll be trapped in the vortex!

GUY: (CALLS) How do you know?

DOCTOR: (DISTANT) This has happened before!

GUY: What has? Doctor? Doctor!

(THE VOICE CHUCKLES)

GUY: Who’s there? Where are you? Is that you, Angie? Hey, come back! Where are you going?

VOICE: Heading west.

(FX: A SLOW, BUILDING ROAR, LIKE A CYCLONE)

VOICE: Goes far away. Stays for a day.

GUY: What’s happening? That light... Where’s it coming from? Angie? What’s happening??

(GUY’S VOICE IS DISTORTING)

GUY: What are you doing? No, no, wait, noooo....

(FADE OUT HIS CRY. THE VOICE IS NOT EFFECTED)

VOICE: Never a frown with Golden Brown.

(THE NOISE IS MASSIVE NOW.)



4. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

(FX: THE NOISE IS BUILDING. THE DOCTOR RUNS INTO THE ROOM)

DOCTOR: Co-ordinates... Co-ordinates! Come on, think.

(FX: EXPLOSIONS FROM THE CONSOLE. THE TARDIS LURCHES)

DOCTOR: That noise... Heard it somewhere... before...

(THE TARDIS LURCHES AGAIN. THE DOCTOR IS FLUNG TO THE GROUND. HIS VOICE IS GROWING DISTORTED LIKE IN SCENE 1)

DOCTOR: Argh! No, not again, please! Noooooooooo!

(THE DISTORTION AND ROAR FADE INTO THE HUM OF THE CONTROL ROOM. THE DOORS WHIR OPEN AND THE 8TH DOCTOR AND THOMAS ENTER.)

THOMAS: Wow! No way, no way!

8TH DOCTOR: Yes way, Thomas.

THOMAS: This place!

8TH DOCTOR: I know what you’re going to say!

THOMAS: It’s smaller on the outside!

8TH DOCTOR: (LAUGHS) All right, slightly out there.

THOMAS: How does it work?

8TH DOCTOR: It’s very complicated. You really want to know?

THOMAS: Yes! Wouldn’t you?

8TH DOCTOR: Well, I suppose I would. Most people just stand there, insisting it’s impossible.

THOMAS: Doctor, unless you’ve slipped me something, then this is real. And if it’s real, I want to know how?

8TH DOCTOR: Oh, well, it’s lucky I’ve got the complete explanation, then, isn’t it? Well, suffice it to say that this room and the complex outside that door across there, doesn’t exist in the same dimension as the police box in your basement. We left that the moment we stepped through the doors.

THOMAS: So this place is another dimension?

8TH DOCTOR: Yes. Relatively speaking. Anyway, this control panel allows me to re-position the police box anywhere in that dimension. Up, down, north, west, south, east, backwards, forwards in space and time.

THOMAS: So this place doesn’t actually move, then?

8TH DOCTOR: Er, well, maybe the explanation isn’t as complete as I thought it was.*20 Would you like to pick a destination?

THOMAS: You’re offering me a trip in a time machine?

8TH DOCTOR: Within reason. It’s my way of thanking you for looking after me, and convincing Nigel not to get the police when you checked my pulse.

THOMAS: I wasn’t expecting payment.

8TH DOCTOR: I know. That’s why I’m grateful.

THOMAS: You never did explain why you were so ill.

8TH DOCTOR: I have! Just not yet, that’s all. (CLAPS HANDS) Now, where would you like to go, Thomas?

THOMAS: The university.

8TH DOCTOR: Right, the univers... (TRAILS OFF) The university? That’s it?!

THOMAS: Well, yes.

8TH DOCTOR: But that’s barely in the next suburb! I’m offering you ANYWHERE in time and space as you can perceive it!

THOMAS: Look, if you can get me to university in the blink of an eye I won’t miss my tutorial and that is payment enough. Three strikes and you’re out, you know.*21

(FX: THE 8TH DOCTOR OPERATES CONTROLS. THE DOORS CLOSE)

8TH DOCTOR: (SIGHS) The university. Not Majus 17, or Garrazone Central, or Metabelis 3. Fine. No temporal deviation, direct line of flight...

(FX: THE TARDIS DEMATERIALIZES)

THOMAS: What’s that noise?

8TH DOCTOR: The temporal drives. The engines.

THOMAS: They sound like they need a tune up.

8TH DOCTOR: Thomas, have you ever heard the sound of time and space being ripped apart and then re-seal themselves?

THOMAS: (AT LENGTH) Not lately.

8TH DOCTOR: Well, when you do, you can judge the effectiveness of my ship’s engines, all right?

(FX: THE TARDIS RE-MATERIALIZES. THE DOCTOR OPENS THE SCANNER)

8TH DOCTOR: That’s your university, is it not?

THOMAS: You even got the right part of it!

(FX: THE DOORS OPEN. BIRD SONG CAN BE HEARD BEHIND THE SOUNDS OF CROWDS)

8TH DOCTOR: Well, shall we go?



5. GARDEN

(FX: BIRD SONG, OUTSIDE ATMOSPHERE. GUY GROANS LOUDLY)

GUY: (IN PAIN) Ugh. You’d think I’d be getting used to concussion by now... What happened. There was that boy and a flash and... Oh, no, now where am I? (GRUNTS) This isn’t the TARDIS. Trees, trees, bushes and trees. Bit hot for this coat.

(GUY WANDERS FORWARD)

GUY: Doctor? Angie? Anyone? Hello? Anyone seen a tall blue box with a light on top and corners at the, uh, corners? Hello?

(THE DISTANT SOUND OF FLUTE MUSIC)

GUY: That sounds civilized. Music, flutes... So whoever lives here must have hands and breathe oxygen, and know a decent tune. Hello? This better not be cosmic lift music.

(THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

GUY: Cool. Uh, excuse me? I don’t want to interrupt but... Hello? Hello! Oi! Can’t any of you see me? Hello! Look! Strange man jumping up and down in front of you! (ANNOYED) Are you blind and deaf, or what? Is it me? Am I invisible?

CHLOE: (CLOSE, WHISPERS) Perhaps you’re dead.

GUY: (STARTLED) Jesus! You scared the hell out of me! Do I know you?

CHLOE: (AMUSED) Do I know you?

GUY: Er, that’s the question isn’t it? Well, you’re clearly not from around here, are you? You’re not wearing white. You’re not dancing round that pole like those idiots. And you can see me and hear me. I hope.

(SILENCE)

GUY: What’s your name?

CHLOE: Golden.

GUY: Golden?

CHLOE: Finer temptress.

GUY: What? Look, where am I?

CHLOE: Far away.

GUY: Obviously. Does this place have a name? Or is it just somewhere over the rainbow?

CHLOE: Distant lands. This is... this is...

GUY: Are you all right?

CHLOE: (ANGRY) No! This is a prison! Hell on what you primitives might call Earth!

GUY: You’re not human, I take it?

CHLOE: I’m not anything! (DEPRESSED) I can’t even stay this way for long. Fading already... Fading.

GUY: Who are you?

CHLOE: I am the Master*23. For what good it is. (GROWING WEAKER) You want to get out of here? Head for the grove.

GUY: Come with me, then!

CHLOE: The Master escaped, long ago. Left me behind.

GUY: You’re talking nonsense – uh, hello? Where’d she go? (ANNOYED) None of you bothered to notice where she went? Or if you’ve seen a girl called Angie... Never mind. The grove, you say.

(HE TRUDGES OFF. FADE OUT)


6. TARDIS CORRIDOR

(FX: BACKGROUND HUM.)

VOICE: ‘Every time / Just like the last / On her ship / Tied to the mast...’

ANGIE: (GROANS)

VOICE: Welcome back from the abyss. *24

ANGIE: Where am I? What did you do to me?

VOICE: Nothing yet.

ANGIE: Who are you?

VOICE: No one you’d know.

ANGIE: No... no one I know can be alive looking like you. How are you alive? Your head...

VOICE: Nauseating, is it?

ANGIE: A bit.

VOICE: Not half as disturbing as I feel it. Do you know what caused this? No? Well, it was this.

(A SLIGHT SCRAPING NOISE)

ANGIE: A staff?

VOICE: Solid machonite*25. Amazingly dense material. Only took one blow to shatter my skull open – but you’ll notice that my body took more than one blow before it went to my head.

ANGIE: So you’re a zombie?

VOICE: Zombie. Huh. A word to cover ignorance*26. I am wronged. And I have come for my vengeance.

ANGIE: Vengeance? What did I do to you?

VOICE: Nothing. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing.

ANGIE: This is going to be a conversation I’m not going to win.

VOICE: Far from it. Pay close attention to the man behind the curtain.

(A CURTAIN IS PULLED BACK.)

ANGIE: (DISGUSTED) Oh, oh, my god! No! Oh, Guy! Guy! You’ve... you’ve...

VOICE: ...done to him what was done to me. Oh, I was kinder, though. I killed him first before the rest of it. Ah, breathe in the charnel fumes, girl. (CURIOUS) Do you want me to do the same to you?

ANGIE: No! No, of course not!

VOICE: Then in return for your life I ask a small favor.

ANGIE: You killed Guy! You killed him!

VOICE: What perspicacity. Yes, I did kill him. But do you want to join him?

ANGIE: Guy... (SOBS) Oh, Guy...

VOICE: Do you want to join him?

ANGIE: Guy...

VOICE: ANSWER!

ANGIE: (IN A SMALL VOICE) No.

VOICE: You will do what I ask?

(SCRAPING OF STONE)

ANGIE: (HYSTERICALLY) Yes! Yes! I’ll do it! I’ll do it!

VOICE: No obligation. It will the work of a moment to end it. Trust me on that.

ANGIE: No, please, please! Just put the staff down! I’ll do whatever you want – name it!

VOICE: I want justice.

ANGIE: You got it.


7. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

(FX: BACKGROUND HUM. THE DOCTOR STIRS)

DOCTOR: (CONCUSSED) Charley? What are you saying? You can’t mean... (GROANS) No. That’s over. Aeons ago. Or hence.*27 My head hurts. Guy? Guy de Anwar? I ran in here and... it was like time slipped a groove or, or something.

(THE DOCTOR GETS TO HIS FEET)

DOCTOR: Still in vortex, unless the time column’s broken. We should have landed by now. Where’s the communicator links?

(FX: CONTROL FLIPPED. THE DOCTOR’S VOICE NOW ECHOES)

DOCTOR: Guy? Guy, can you hear me? I’m sure this thing’s switched on! Are you there? If you can hear me, head for the control room!

(FX: CONTROL FLIPPED. DOCTOR’S VOICE NORMAL)

DOCTOR: Strange. The life readings are working again... But only one life form aboard. In the control room. I don’t like the look of this at all...

(THE INTERNAL DOOR OPENS)

DOCTOR: Ah, Angie! There you are!

ANGIE: (CALMLY) Yes?

DOCTOR: We were a bit worried about you, Guy and I... (BEAT) Angie? Are you all right? What’s the matter?

ANGIE: The matter with what?

DOCTOR: Well, it’s just that we were looking for you and –

ANGIE: (SUDDENLY FURIOUS) Why won’t you leave me alone?!

DOCTOR: I haven’t seen you in ages!

ANGIE: Because nobody likes you, you know! Especially not a know-all Gallifreyan eavesdropper like you!

DOCTOR: What are you talking about?

ANGIE: You!

DOCTOR: I beg your...

ANGIE: Are you deaf or something, you little sod?!? You really ARE an idiot, aren’t you?

DOCTOR: Hey, let go of me! This isn’t funny, you know!

ANGIE: I said, shut up! The pain’s bad enough without having to listen to your annoying voice!

DOCTOR: Pain... What are you – (CRIES OUT IN PAIN) *28

(THERE IS A STRUGGLE, AND THE DOCTOR TRIUMPHS)

DOCTOR: Like I say, violence never gets you anywhere!*29 Now what is this all about?

ANGIE: Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, you’re not going to find out! Your usefulness has expired!

(FX: SHARP, SHRILL NOISES. THE DOCTOR CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

DOCTOR: Agh! My head! What’s that... noise?! Agh!

(THE DOCTOR COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND)

ANGIE: (REPROVINGLY) Come on, Doctor, that’s no way to behave! If you don’t forgive me, you’re no better than I!

DOCTOR: (AGONIZED) What?!

ANGIE: You stubborn little Time Lord! Didn’t I tell you? You’re all the same!

DOCTOR: Have you gone mad?!

ANGIE: Show some bloody respect! You little sod! Didn’t anyone ever teach you to show some respect for your elders?

DOCTOR: (REALIZING) What? I’ve heard that before! , no!

ANGIE: Huh? I’ll teach you to answer back at me!

(SHE RAINS BLOWS DOWN ON THE DOCTOR)

ANGIE: (SCREAMING) ‘To distant lands! Take both my hands! Never a frown! With golden brown!’

(THE DOCTOR CRIES OUT IN AGONY ONCE MORE...) *30

(END OF PART ONE)



* - see if you can spot anything that could be construed as distinctive or show signs of personality, cause I really tried to avoid that on the grounds it would probably be rewritten anyway. Angie could be anyone.

** - regular readers of this blog will know that song has great resonance to me, but using it like this was, in retrospect cheap and pathetic. It really should have been something less obviously spooky. Course, nowadays, it would be I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper...

*** - I cannot think of a single story that began with a zombie attacking a companion in their TARDIS bedroom, so plus points for originality to me.

**** - Yep. Nigel Verkoff. The bastard just fits anywhere.

***** - the implication here being that the Doctor ditched Charley and C'Rizz in The Next Life and returned home without them. I actually wrote this before the new series was announced. Goes to show what a visionary I am, knowing he'd escape in no time.

****** - I assume I meant to write "keep your pants on" as in "don't panic" but looking back I can't find any possible interpretation not involving kinky sex cames with comatose tramps...

******* - another reference to the Eighth Doctor's rarely used 'ability to read people's futures' last seen in The Stones of Venice, here showing he's realized that the guy is a future companion

******** - Mmmm. Bit similar to The Sevenfold Crown this bit, actually... (NB: not a good thing)

********* - terribly out of character for the mellow stoner Guy, but based on my experience of him (when he was in a script hastily rewritten for the Professor and Alice and also shows a hithertoo unknown love of explosives)

********** - nicked this gag shamelessly from Goth Opera

*********** - shameless bit of sucking up, as I read Kopelke was a stickler for calling the up-and-down-bit-of-the-console the "time column" because the Doctor mutters that at the start of Logopolis. A sycophantic detail I was hoping would appeal to his soul. God I was pathetic back then, wasn't I?

************ - a reference to The Gallifreyan Recommencement and again, getting Guy's character completely wrong. The equivalent of Spartha Jones, basically.

************* - can you tell I had absolutely no idea what the Watcher was or involved? Imagine if Martha and the Doctor went, "I know you're a bit down about that mucky affair with that redhead whoever she was" and you get a similar issue. And the asterixes HAVE got stupid, huh?

14 - eerily similar to dialogue in Terror of the Veroids, huh?

15 - Face of Evil. Am I wrong in thinking this fanwank reference more pallatable than some of Nev Fountain's similar attempts? Maybe I'm just concieted.

16 - While I like this confrontation, as it gives the truly worthless character of Chloe a bit of after-the-fact importance, it was painful to hear in the genuine series the Doctor turn to Guy and say, "Oh, Chloe was the girl before you joined up, you know". Yeesh.

17 - Deliberate denial on the Doctor's part.

18 - vague DAAS Kapital reference. When Tim shouts "You killed my uncle!" he quickly covers this goof by mumbling "Simon and Garfunkle shit band." "That doesn't make sense." "Yes it does. They were a shit band!"

19 - indeed, a quote from the last conversation the Doctor and Thomas had before the former went nuts.

20 - the idea that the interior never moves a bloody inch bugs me for some reason.

21 - see, that year at Uni did SOME good for me. I could create a reasonable background for a character I knew nothing about!

22 - From More than a Messiah, Sword of Orion and Planet of Spiders. Maybe the AV/BF refs were a turnoff as well?

23 - I was so depressed when in Dominion the spirit of Thomas Caldwell mumbles that he chatted to the spirit of the Master, an echo left from the events of the TV movie. I came up with that idea totally independantly, and this is a lot more interesting approach to it than the equivalent of "Steve rang, BTW".

24 - A cool line from Babylon 5 I use a lot.

25 - you probably know what this is a reference to.

26 - and this.

27 - Charley Pollard dumping him. Naturally. Oddly enough there are references to a companion called "Charlie" and "Kathryn" in Darkness Falls. Creepy coincidence, no?

28 - Angie is reciting the 8th Doctor's psycho speech before he killed Thomas if that wasn't obvious.

29 - see 25.

30 - just for the record, I have absolutely NO idea where the story was going after this, or even what the cliffhanger resolution was. Guy turning up, maybe?

Oh well... there's always the DWADs...