NIGEL: Hey, Maurice, you got those pornos for me...
MAURICE: Nigel... how can I tell you this?
NIGEL: You select the appropriate words from your memory, say them out aloud and hope it doesn't annoy me.
MAURICE: Oh yeah. Anyway, you are not a useless unemployed dole bludger.
NIGEL: And what does this have to do with my pornos?
MAURICE: You are in fact... Harold Holt.
NIGEL: Fair dinkum?
MAURICE: Yes, the evil government brainwashed you, removed your brain and implanted in that body.
NIGEL: No doubt. So, where are the pornos?
MAURICE: Don't you see, Nigel? They're using you!
[A passing window cleaner shoots Maurice through the head.]
NIGEL: Jesus, what does it take to get a straight answer round here?
[Nigel is arrested and brought before the police - all of whom resemble Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith.]
NIGEL: So... why don't you tell me what this is about?
AGENT SMITH: You, Harold Holt, are still a figurehead for the urban rebellion.
NIGEL: So, it's NOT about the kiddie porn?
AGENT SMITH: No. We are here to discredit you forever.
NIGEL: Oh, well, sure. Won't take much.
AGENT SMITH: What do you mean?
NIGEL: You busted me looking for child pornography, isn't that enough?
AGENT SMITH: Guess so. You are sentenced to a life sentence at Guantanamo Bay!
NIGEL: ...is that bad?
[Nigel is in the back of a van.]
NIGEL: It's bad. Man, today is a very interesting day. What are you in for?
DAVE: I typed in "Osama Bin Laden" and "hero" into google for a laugh.
NIGEL: Hah. Loser. What about you?
ANDREW: Oh, I'm a multiple rapist called the Cat Strangler who has a completely ineffective mind control chip implanted in my brain.
ANDREW: Fuck no, you gullible twat. I was the one that suggested he type in 'Osama Bin Laden' and 'hero' into google.
NIGEL: And you, sweet lips.
KATY: I refused to enjoy Kath and Kim.
NIGEL: Hardcore. You know what we should do?
DAVE: Join forces, take over a tank and try to free the whole world?
NIGEL: OK, bit wide of the mark. I was suggesting "orgy" actually, but that could go.
[The van stops.]
PARKER: God damn! Some idiot's left a tank parked in the middle of the road!
KATY: Another Chaser stunt gone horribly, horribly wrong.
PARKER: Say, kids, why don't you go out there and move it for me?
NIGEL: Aren't you worried we'll use it to wreak revenge against the system?
PARKER: Well. Kinda. But I am VERY comfortable.
ANDREW: You can trust us, coach.
NIGEL: Ahem. I am the main character round here.
ANDREW: Yeah. sure. Course you are.
NIGEL: Well, just as long as we're clear on that score.
[Nigel, Dave, Katy and Andrew are having fun in a tank blowing stuff up.]
ANDREW: Yippie-kay-ay! Yippie-kai-ohhhhhh!
NIGEL: I have a cunning plan.
KATY: I find that difficult to believe.
NIGEL: Let's go to Guantanamo Bay and rescue the prisoners!
ANDREW: ...is that it?
NIGEL: Pretty much. I'm in charge.
ANDREW: Of course you are. You have a little nap and the grown ups will decide about it.
NIGEL: Sure thing! Zzzzzzzzz.
DAVE: That guy is a fucking nutter.
ANDREW: I've met more deranged people.
KATY: Have you?
ANDREW: ...OK, you got me. Still, what else is there to do?
KATY: Oh well, OK, let's do it. Oh, Harold Holt, wake up! We're doing what you said!
NIGEL: Yes! I am INVINCIBLE!
DAVE: Um. No. No, you're not.
NIGEL: Don't spoil a beautiful catchphrase, Dave.
[The tank crashes into Guantanamo Bay, which happens to be the main studio of Big Brother.]
NIGEL: Anyone want to join my band of freedom fighters?
NIGEL: Anyone want to join my band of ruthless terrorists?
DR SPOON: Yeah, got nothing better to do.
CHAMBER: You may not, but I value my life.
DR SPOON: Nick another line of dialogue again and I'll break your chin, Chamber.
CHAMBER: Fuck you, you albino fucker.
ANDREW: Look, are you two joining us or what?
DR SPOON: Pencil us in, there's a good fellow. Are you in charge?
NIGEL: No, I am.
CHAMBER: Yeah, sure, of course you are.
KATY: What are we going to do now?
ANDREW: Head down to Circular Quay for fish and chips?
NIGEL: Um, or we could destroy the government?
DAVE: We can't do both?
DR SPOON: I like that idea.
CHAMBER: I don't. I hate you all. You're all morons. I'm going to do Sukodu.
DR SPOON: Just in case you didn't get it, he's Orac.
CHAMBER: Disconnect me! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
DR SPOON: Confirmed.
KATY: This is unlikely to make another episode, let alone fifty-two.
ANDREW: Oh, come on, Katy! With OUR luck, how could it not?
[Theme tune starts.]
NIGEL: Oi! I'm the star, ya stupid lobotomized 2BL listeners! Right! Time for the classic battle of wits.
ANDREW: How? You're unarmed.
NIGEL: Maybe. But. You know. ... Shut up.
[Theme music starts up again.]