Saturday, October 25, 2008

Random Crap Better Than B7: Rebel


NIGEL: Hey, Maurice, you got those pornos for me...

MAURICE: Nigel... how can I tell you this?

NIGEL: You select the appropriate words from your memory, say them out aloud and hope it doesn't annoy me.

MAURICE: Oh yeah. Anyway, you are not a useless unemployed dole bludger.

NIGEL: And what does this have to do with my pornos?

MAURICE: You are in fact... Harold Holt.

NIGEL: Fair dinkum?

MAURICE: Yes, the evil government brainwashed you, removed your brain and implanted in that body.

NIGEL: No doubt. So, where are the pornos?

MAURICE: Don't you see, Nigel? They're using you!

[A passing window cleaner shoots Maurice through the head.]

NIGEL: Jesus, what does it take to get a straight answer round here?

[Nigel is arrested and brought before the police - all of whom resemble Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith.]

NIGEL: So... why don't you tell me what this is about?

AGENT SMITH: You, Harold Holt, are still a figurehead for the urban rebellion.

NIGEL: So, it's NOT about the kiddie porn?

AGENT SMITH: No. We are here to discredit you forever.

NIGEL: Oh, well, sure. Won't take much.

AGENT SMITH: What do you mean?

NIGEL: You busted me looking for child pornography, isn't that enough?

AGENT SMITH: Guess so. You are sentenced to a life sentence at Guantanamo Bay!

NIGEL: that bad?

[Nigel is in the back of a van.]

NIGEL: It's bad. Man, today is a very interesting day. What are you in for?

DAVE: I typed in "Osama Bin Laden" and "hero" into google for a laugh.

NIGEL: Hah. Loser. What about you?

ANDREW: Oh, I'm a multiple rapist called the Cat Strangler who has a completely ineffective mind control chip implanted in my brain.

NIGEL: Really?

ANDREW: Fuck no, you gullible twat. I was the one that suggested he type in 'Osama Bin Laden' and 'hero' into google.

NIGEL: And you, sweet lips.

KATY: I refused to enjoy Kath and Kim.

NIGEL: Hardcore. You know what we should do?

DAVE: Join forces, take over a tank and try to free the whole world?

NIGEL: OK, bit wide of the mark. I was suggesting "orgy" actually, but that could go.

[The van stops.]

PARKER: God damn! Some idiot's left a tank parked in the middle of the road!

KATY: Another Chaser stunt gone horribly, horribly wrong.

PARKER: Say, kids, why don't you go out there and move it for me?

NIGEL: Aren't you worried we'll use it to wreak revenge against the system?

PARKER: Well. Kinda. But I am VERY comfortable.

ANDREW: You can trust us, coach.

NIGEL: Ahem. I am the main character round here.

ANDREW: Yeah. sure. Course you are.

NIGEL: Well, just as long as we're clear on that score.

[Nigel, Dave, Katy and Andrew are having fun in a tank blowing stuff up.]

ANDREW: Yippie-kay-ay! Yippie-kai-ohhhhhh!

NIGEL: Ahem!

DAVE: What?

NIGEL: I have a cunning plan.

KATY: I find that difficult to believe.

NIGEL: Let's go to Guantanamo Bay and rescue the prisoners!

ANDREW: that it?

NIGEL: Pretty much. I'm in charge.

ANDREW: Of course you are. You have a little nap and the grown ups will decide about it.

NIGEL: Sure thing! Zzzzzzzzz.

DAVE: That guy is a fucking nutter.

ANDREW: I've met more deranged people.

KATY: Have you?

ANDREW: ...OK, you got me. Still, what else is there to do?

KATY: Oh well, OK, let's do it. Oh, Harold Holt, wake up! We're doing what you said!


DAVE: Um. No. No, you're not.

NIGEL: Don't spoil a beautiful catchphrase, Dave.

[The tank crashes into Guantanamo Bay, which happens to be the main studio of Big Brother.]

NIGEL: Anyone want to join my band of freedom fighters?


NIGEL: Anyone want to join my band of ruthless terrorists?

DR SPOON: Yeah, got nothing better to do.

CHAMBER: You may not, but I value my life.

DR SPOON: Nick another line of dialogue again and I'll break your chin, Chamber.

CHAMBER: Fuck you, you albino fucker.

ANDREW: Look, are you two joining us or what?

DR SPOON: Pencil us in, there's a good fellow. Are you in charge?

NIGEL: No, I am.

CHAMBER: Yeah, sure, of course you are.

KATY: What are we going to do now?

ANDREW: Head down to Circular Quay for fish and chips?

NIGEL: Um, or we could destroy the government?

DAVE: We can't do both?

DR SPOON: I like that idea.

CHAMBER: I don't. I hate you all. You're all morons. I'm going to do Sukodu.

DR SPOON: Just in case you didn't get it, he's Orac.

CHAMBER: Disconnect me! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!

DR SPOON: Confirmed.

KATY: This is unlikely to make another episode, let alone fifty-two.

ANDREW: Oh, come on, Katy! With OUR luck, how could it not?

[Theme tune starts.]

NIGEL: Oi! I'm the star, ya stupid lobotomized 2BL listeners! Right! Time for the classic battle of wits.

ANDREW: How? You're unarmed.

NIGEL: Maybe. But. You know. ... Shut up.

[Theme music starts up again.]

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