Friday, August 29, 2008

No Fist!

Tonight's episode of Double The Fist was without doubt the weakest and most pathetic episode that this fine show has ever hurled directly at the unprotected faces of its spineless audience. The fact the end credits tried to sneak out three minutes into the plot rather at the end of the episode itself per se showed that even this non-corporeal editing was sicked and ashamed by the poor quality of this irredeemably wretched experience.

There is not a single part of this episode that does not supurate with weakness of the first order. This episode of DTF was not focussed on betterment through extremity, or improving the fistworthiness of ordinary Australians. It was about selling furniture. Ooh, deep! To see Steve Foxx reduced to a cheese-eating surrender monkey in a tuxedo backing down from every single bit of opposition and steadfastly refusing to get involved in the mission turned my stomach. If there wasn't such a thing as hatred, I'd have nothing but pity for this one-fine figure reduced to a useless, subhuman no fist loser who is not prepared to deal with those full-fisted enough to disrespect his puny excuse for authority.

If the weak dog in charge of this mess was SO fussed about selling furniture, maybe he could have got off his pampered ass for five minutes, gone to Thailand and sorted it all out, but Steve "No Longer Worthy of My Love" Foxx needed some corrupt and fragile pro-wrestler named after a one-eyed army recruitment officer from Nordic legend to do his job for him. Foxxy was far too busy prostituting himself to a bunch of stuffed shirts unable and unwilling to get out of their non-decapitating chairs and waving fake money... which Foxx accepted.

STEVE FOXX, YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!

This episode was a waste of time with its devotion to such pathetic concepts as character development. Mephisto, who two weeks ago cut off the face of his own school friend as a sign of his absolute dedication to the eradication of weakness, now has a panic attack and blubbers on youtube. A man quite willing to stab his co-contestants through the spine with a knife simply snivelled at Foxx (you don't deserve the name Steve, you weak, spineless dog) as his retarded, useless and impotent yes impotent brother was unable to even use mindless nepotism to get "Man of Fist".

What's more, with Womp, Mephisto, Rod, Tara, Panda and Mime Boy having been insulted and tormented by Foxx in this episode, I consider it the hieght of weakness that they let this fat, balding has-been get away with deciding who should be involved. Foxx has lost the very quality that made us want to watch his revoltingly ugly and inherently worthless exploits in the first place, and all that is left is an overweight yuppie bullying his trusted viewers into buying dodgy products.

If I were to WANT to watch a series of pointless, ill-thought out mission of random half-scary child nightmares experienced by a gang of intellectually subnormal backstabbing emotional cripples ruled by a pathetic killjoy with delusions of even vague competence while acting like a complete arsehole to everyone he meets, then I will simply put on a VHS of Torchwood.

ABC - DON'T EVER SHOW THIS EPISODE AGAIN!

PS: if Steve shows this retarded, backward-looking weakness next week and is unchalenged, I will be forced to firebomb Prawn World and no cartoon-fantasy-land "death doesn't last for a scene" magic will be able to save these losers. Alan Rickman and his terrorists have proved their double-fistedness UNAPPOSED!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

6 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Hmm. I actually missed it, because I was at my mate's place playing Assassin's Creed and watching The Mighty Boosh.

So.. currently no comment.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh. Well, just imagine "Dead Man Walking" with the Womp as Owen, Tara as Martha, Rod as Gwen, Mephisto as Tosh and Ianto, and Steve as Jack.

Yeah, I watched Mighty Boosh yesterday, where they ran the corner shop.

God's bollocks, these seem to be acid trips caught on film. Every freaky nightmare I've ever had has been caught directly on camera and recorded.

I hated the octopus guy, though. He wouldn't shut the fuck up...

And in other news, I spoofed No More Lies. Yay me.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh. Well, just imagine "Dead Man Walking" with the Womp as Owen, Tara as Martha, Rod as Gwen, Mephisto as Tosh and Ianto, and Steve as Jack.

Dane will be getting me a copy, so I will be able to watch it at my leisure in the not-too-distant future.

God's bollocks, these seem to be acid trips caught on film. Every freaky nightmare I've ever had has been caught directly on camera and recorded.

I only saw a couple of episode sfrom the first series. Still weeeird stuff, though. Black Frost is more disturbing than any DW monster...

And in other news, I spoofed No More Lies. Yay me.

Heh, reading it now. I wrote about half of my version, but it got pretty confusing and pre-occupied with my hatred of the story. Can't even find the file now... but here are a couple of snatches I wrote for Human Resources, based entirely on Nick Briggs' odd assertions in the behind-the-scenes that nobody could do a good Time War story and his ravings about throwing clocks around..


Yet another battle in the Time War begins, as the Cyberleader turns to look straight down the barrell of the camera and cries "Launch the time-onic missiles!". This name, crap as it is, is probably too strong for the actual 'time-onic missile', which is in fact a stainless steel drum that has been filled with digital watches.


Maxil is hit by a stray minute hand off an exploding alarm clock, and is horrified to see the past coming out of his ear! As all of his previous incarnations (now confusingly played by Nick Briggs) stride out of his earhole, asking what the hell is going on and, more hopefully, where the fridge is, Maxil shouts with glee that he has a fob watch in his underpants, before pulling it out and winding the hands backwards which magically fixes everything. He then throws an hourglass at a Cyberman, which causes it to run away in terror.

"See?" the Doctor shouts at Lucie "THIS is why I didn't want to see the Time War. It's ridiculous!"


The Doctor reveals that not only was it Katie Nicegirl who was the Nazi supremist all along, because that in itself wouldn't be ironic enough, but in actual fact it was only the Time Lord's intereference that caused this! Their meddling in time provoked a chemical imbalance that set her "Hates Jewish People" node into an "On" position! Before Maxil can respond to this slanderous claim there is a glorious glowing light, an invisible choir, and Rassilon himself, dressed as a Sergeant-Major descends into the room and chides the Doctor. They had a nice, little character subplot about Lucie being a Nazi but now it's all just gotten silly, it's all far too silly and now we'll move right on and forget all about it. The Doctor and Maxil nod, partly in mute shock, before deciding to turn their decision to the massing Cyber armies ready to roger them to death, back again, and to death again.

"Well," demands Maxil "Are we goning to sit round here, crying into our lubricant, or are we going TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?"


My idea for the behind-the-scenes was that Nick Briggs takes BF back over, yells "screw BBC Wales!" and makes what he sees as "the utlimate Time War story".

It was enough to amuse me sometime around midnight one evening at any rate..

Youth of Australia said...

Dane will be getting me a copy, so I will be able to watch it at my leisure in the not-too-distant future.
Ok. When you do, tell me what you think of it.

I only saw a couple of episode sfrom the first series. Still weeeird stuff, though. Black Frost is more disturbing than any DW monster...
Is he the green dude with the donut eye and the music box hat?

I only properly watched one other episode, where they had to go into the jungle to find their guru... who was made out of cheese... and they discovered wild dogs are in fact Mods rather than Rockers.

Surprisingly scary.

Heh, reading it now. I wrote about half of my version, but it got pretty confusing and pre-occupied with my hatred of the story.
Yeah. I have to say the unseen prequel sounds a lot more interesting than the stuff we got.

Can't even find the file now... but here are a couple of snatches I wrote for Human Resources, based entirely on Nick Briggs' odd assertions in the behind-the-scenes that nobody could do a good Time War story and his ravings about throwing clocks around..
Heh. Awesome. Definitely use that. Well, bits of it. Lucie has a slightly different story arc...

My idea for the behind-the-scenes was that Nick Briggs takes BF back over, yells "screw BBC Wales!" and makes what he sees as "the utlimate Time War story".
Fine with me. It's been part of the spoofs since Other Lives.

It was enough to amuse me sometime around midnight one evening at any rate..
Works for me too.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Is he the green dude with the donut eye and the music box hat?

Oh, no, as far as I know he's only in the one episode. But he's a sped-up dancing guy with mad spiky hair in nothing but a thong who's entire body is as black as tar. He shoots gas out from his groin which freezes people to death while dancing. Quite freaky.

I only properly watched one other episode, where they had to go into the jungle to find their guru... who was made out of cheese... and they discovered wild dogs are in fact Mods rather than Rockers.

Yeah, that was one of the ones I saw. I liked the bit where the ominous drumbeat played every time the necklace was on screen, so Vince kept taking it in and out of his pocket..

I have to say the unseen prequel sounds a lot more interesting than the stuff we got.

Yes. Yes it does.

Loved the spoof, btw. Quite frightening how making Nigel Havers' character The Valeyard actually improves the plot. But, yes, tons of laugh-out-loud moments.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, no, as far as I know he's only in the one episode. But he's a sped-up dancing guy with mad spiky hair in nothing but a thong who's entire body is as black as tar. He shoots gas out from his groin which freezes people to death while dancing. Quite freaky.
I feel creeped out just reading about it...

Yeah, that was one of the ones I saw. I liked the bit where the ominous drumbeat played every time the necklace was on screen, so Vince kept taking it in and out of his pocket..
LOL.

Loved the spoof, btw. Quite frightening how making Nigel Havers' character The Valeyard actually improves the plot.
It was inspired by a publicity shot of Havers holding the sonic screwdriver, and also by a bunch of OGers going, "Oooh, Zimmerman! Just like the Valeyard in M:I!!"

But, yes, tons of laugh-out-loud moments.
Vindication. Thanks, man.