Friday, August 22, 2014

NEWS: CapaldiDoc is not crap shocker!!

Yes! At long last my prayers have been answered and from a source so unexpected even consulting detectives are getting whiplash from all the double-takes! A Mark Gatiss story too - the sort of thing that, on a very, very good day, scrapes past the "tolerable" level and has achieved the epic awesome shinanigan quality achieved only by Dinosaurs on a Spaceship in recent memory.

For the first time, Capaldi's actually doing something beyond standing on the sidelines whinging hypocritically at absolutely everyone else as innocent perish needlessly. He's now an active participant in the story, with a personality clearly based on Sterling Archer (the "six months" gag and his absent-minded fourth wall criticism of plot) as well as actually being mistaken about a villain's modus operandi for good reason instead of an abstract discussion and this doesn't actually completely screw himself over with needless stupidity.

The actual plot - the actual Robin Hood - is surprisingly well done, and the wholesale ransacking of Jonas Armstrong's version and even Robin of Sherwood (even down to Clannad's music over TARDIS scenes) works fantastically. Indeed, it feels almost like a sequel to the former, with the implication that the Robin we meet here is just another outlaw assuming the great hero's identity, which is exactly the sort of the PR stunt old Rairf Kcut would have come up with to deal with the new sherrif and the rebuilt Nottingham which happens to look exactly down to the old one. DW now reuses CGI rather than models, it seems.

A great swashbuckling Blackaddery episode and Ben Miller's Ainely-esque Sheriff combined with the fact that alien robots are programmed with images of Patrick Troughton, make this the first episode so far to make me glad the show didn't end last Christmas.

A clue: awesome.

And to pad out the rest of the post, an excerpt from the unprecedented YOA/2BG crossover...

Andrew, Nigel and Dave watched as the blonde waitress, shaking her head and clearly trying not to laugh at whatever the brunette had been saying, approached.

"Is that Paris Hilton or Drew Barrymore?" wondered Nigel idly.

"Not sure, but her friend is definitely Eliza Dushku," Andrew decided.

"Nigel, don't make a scene," Dave blurted out.

Nigel's eyes widened behind his shades. "Me? A scene? Did your last brain cell just implode?" he fumed, but the others shushed him.

The waitress arrived and gave a dazzling smile that seemed genuine. "Good evening," she said in a bright, high-pitched but not unpleasant voice. "I'll be your waitress, my name is Caroline. Sorry about the delay, all sorts of things going wrong I just know you don't care about."

"We might," Dave interjected dazedly.

"Sorry?" Caroline said, taken aback.

Andrew nodded. "Well, it's possible we might care," he agreed. "Depending on what it was. Must have been very serious. Do you need to talk about it?"

Caroline very visibly thought about it for a moment. "Well, it would probably take a lot of contextualizing," she admitted. "It's a long story."

"Probably a tall one too," Nigel said sweetly. "But if you don't want to tell us chapter and verse, I totally respect that decision. Do you, I dunno, maybe want to take our orders instead?"

Caroline's eyes narrowed for the briefest of brief instants. "Yeah, why not?" she said, clearly having detected Nigel's admittedly well-hidden rudeness. "What can I get you guys?"

Nigel grinned as dazzling a grin as Caroline had provided. "Spicy beef burger and chips, please," he said, offering her his menu to collect.

Still smiling, Caroline jotted that down.

"I'd like the waffles and chicken please," asked Andrew. "And, perhaps, for you to overlook the social retardation of the thing in the seat opposite us. Dave?"

"What did I do?" Dave blurted out in panic.

Caroline was surprised at his reaction, and so where Nigel and Andrew.

"Do you want to eat anything?" she asked gently.

"Oh. Yes." Dave nodded confidently. "Uh... what do you recommend, miss?"

Caroline smiled, genuinely this time. "Well, between you and me, I'd probably recommend eating somewhere else, but if you want the best thing available..."

Dave, not trusting himself to speak, nodded furiously.

"Well, we do have a selection of amazing cupcakes."

"Fine!" Dave said, trying to sound normal. "A plate of those, then."

"A plate of cupcakes?" Caroline repeated, delighted.

"Yeah, whichever you think are best," Dave agreed.

"Are these cupcakes homemade?" asked Andrew thoughtfully.

Nigel was shaking his head in disbelief. "Who the hell cares?" he demanded.

Caroline wisely ignored him. "They are indeed, and have had great reviews - Martha Stewart loved them and said so in writing."

"Did she?" asked Dave interestedly.

"Who's Martha Stewart?" Andrew asked him, confused.

"Patrick Stewart after a dodgy sex-change!" Nigel retorted. "Look," he paused to very visibly lower his shades and peer at her name tag "Caroline, I'm sure this is a fascinating conversation, probably the most interesting you've ever had, but I am really hungry right now and just assume that if you go away that food will come back quicker. I apologize for any rudness but for god's sake, move that skinny ass and feed me."

"My pleasure," she said, still smiling.

"I'm so sorry about him," Dave protested as she started to move off.

"No problem."

Andrew sighed. "I'd like to say he isn't always like this..."

"Like what? Stunningly attractive, witty, insightful and with the sexual prowess of a mountain lion on viagra?"

"...but as you can see, he's actually much worse."

"Oi!"


***

Caroline tore off the order slip and put it on the serving window. "Oleg, order for table ten," she called through. "And if you have some unwanted bodily fluids, the spicy beef burger is the place to put them."

The hairy Ukranian cook glanced up. "You know my urethra better than I do," he said. "And this is a compliment rarely given."

Max came over to fiddle with the coffee machine. "Wow, getting some of Oleg's secret herbs and spices," she marvelled. "What did they do? Make fun of you for being the daughter of the most notorious criminal since the guy who invented flash mobs?"

"No," Caroline sighed. "Just one of the guys was a total dick."

"And the other two were balls?"

"No, they seemed OK. Oh, and one of them wants a plate of cupcakes! Our cupcakes!" enthused Caroline, surging with enthusiasm on the turn of a dime. "Imagine it, Max, we could have international branding! People leave America thinking only of your cupcakes!"

"Hope that doesn't include the pilots, or else shares in airplanes will plummet." Max laughed. "See what I did there? Plummet!" She sighed. "So, where are those freaks from? England? Papua New Ginuea? The one in the singlet is clearly from Middle Earth..."

"I'm pretty sure they're Australian."

"Australia! Home of the Wiggles, Dame Edna and crocodile hunters who are fatally vulnerable to non-crocodiles!" Max enthused. "Wow! Hey, you ever been down under?"

Caroline stared at her. "Do you mean Australia or are you asking about my sex life?"

"Hey, you know I mean Australia. Why would ask about something non-existent? What do you think I am - a climate change skeptic?"

Caroline shrugged. "Well, yeah. Daddy took us there for the Olympics back in 2000."

"That was the one with the awesome closing ceremony, right?"

"There was this guy in a broken down motorcart that accidentally smashed all the stages over and ruined everything..."

"I know! It only needed Mel Gibson and Tina Turna."

"Max, trust me, everything was ruined already. That would have been overkill."

"So, which one of those ocker blockers was the trouble maker?"

"Um, the aborigine."

"...you mean the hipster? They have hipsters in Australia? Didn't the redback spiders kill them all?" Max shook her head. "OK, time to improve international relations."

Caroline grabbed her arm. "Max," she warned. "What are going to do?"

"Just verbally destroy him and everything he stands for. Maybe mention my vagina in an aggressive context. You know, the usual."

19 comments:

Ron Mallett said...

And now I've read this I've doubled your audience.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, Ron you flirt!

Let's hope your wife doesn't find out about us - again!

Matthew Blanchette said...

Thoughts on "Listen" and "Time Heist"? They've both leaked, now.

Youth of Australia said...

Oh yes. Um, not bad.

Listen felt a bit odd. Almost like fan fic, if you get my drift. The sort of story you'd find in a Short Trips collection than an actual episode - it's quite spooky and well-told, but it IS at the end of the day a Scooby Doo episode.

Time Hiest was right out of Farscape and thus passed with flying colours.

The only downer left is that there doesn't seem to be any real ongoing purpose to the episodes. You could show these in any order, really. I suppose that's a tribute to Classic Who, but these eps don't really have a narrative reason to want you to tune in next week if you get my drift.

But yes, consider me having undergone a complete 540 degree turnaround on the new show.

Mind you, the theme music is absolute shite. Got no love there. It's definitely next to the NPD in "things for Moffat to pretend never happened".

Am doing a vid for ROS as we type.

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


After one episode, I found Capaldi to be the sole redeeming factor.

So, checked out the Titan Dr. Who comics?

Youth of Australia said...

Seen them yet, bit too early to judge but an improvement over the talking heads of IDW and no more of that ghastly skull-faced line art. Lots more action (as a Young Ones fan, anything about deadly laundrettes appeals) but somehow it felt wrong for Eleven to effortlessly scoop up a companion after losing the Ponds. Unless the newbie is ALSO going to die horribly. In which case, whatevah.

As for Capaldi eps - I'd say give eps 3-5 a chance. I... I can't say anything good about the Dalek ep, which is almost but not quite as unsatisfying as Victory.

Clearly Phil Ford and Mark Gatiss fell into some crude teleport and swapped identities.

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


From what I read, the 11th Doctor comic is set after Season Five, with Amy and Rory settling down to married bliss before well... Amy comes down with a case of Plotline Pregnancy Hell.

I will say that the 11th Doctor appearing in her house to be a shoulder to cry on is a moment I wish we got in the series proper.

Youth of Australia said...

What there should have been was "Night Terrors" canceled and replaced with a Doctor-lite episode as River gets Amy and Rory home and maybe they deal with the crazy shit they just had to live with. Maybe have Mels help Amy cope with all the post-natal depression, or Brian turn up to be Wilfred-Mott-lite.

But yeah. I've probably ranted on such a topic before. It was like...

"So then Amy wakes up, mind-raped, in labor with a child she doesn't know about, trapped in an iron lung surrounded by gun-toting psychopaths who want to turn her baby into the antichrist!"

"Holy shit..."

"I know. Awesome cliffhanger."

"But... any woman would be scarred for life to go through a nightmare like that!"

"...true. Still, it's an awesome cliffhanger. So we're doing this!"

"Will you be dealing with the huge emotional fallout?"

"Hell no! I've got the 50th anniversary special to do! You want Amy whining about being in an awesome cliffhanger, or Zygons and the Brigadier's daughter trying to blow up England from a secret base under the Tower of London!??"

"...do you even care what I say?"

"Not particularly. Who are you, anyway, you freak?"

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


"Women's emotions? Why should I care about those? They don't have any! Haven't you seen Coupling? They only care about getting married and stuff!"

Youth of Australia said...

I feel I should point out in series 1-3 of Coupling, the women were given plenty of respect in terms to their emotions and independence.

But, yeah. That sums up series 4.

"Women are great - till babies are on the scene and then they're nuthing but trouble! Gak!"

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


Dear Moffatt.

It's okay, we get it, you're clever. But it's also okay to just have a monster kill people because world domination. It doesn't have to be a Rubick's Cube.

Youth of Australia said...

I've got the impression Moff's cleverness is not particularly respected in his own home and family - very much "yes dear, no dear, we never saw that tesselector thing, when are you going to clear out the garage".

Makes sense he'd overcompensate when surrounded by writers who keep telling him how clever he is.

...

Which, now I think of it, is the exact same characterisation as Sherlock.

OK.

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


Have I mentioned how much the last episode of Season Three of Sherlock just really annoyed me?

Oh God, I've become one of THOSE fans...

Youth of Australia said...

I quite liked it.

But for me, Sherlock is basically "Cumberbatch and Freeman are Richie Rich and Eddie Hitler" nowadays. Funny, depressing, watchable and quotable.

If I want proper Conan Doyle, I go to elementary nowadays.

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


Personally, I always go to Clive Merrison and Michael Williams on BBC Radio for my Doyle fix.

I found season 1 of Only Fools and Horses at the local library, so I'm watching that.

Youth of Australia said...

I found the first season quite depressing. Especially the suitcase ep, for some reason.

Ron Mallett said...

You do realise chaps that this excrement is aimed at teen age girls and those with double digit IQs? You should fit right in.

Youth of Australia said...

Wow. Got a lot of hate for Only Fools and Horses there.

Better avoid any Del Boy jokes in future.

Miles Reid-Lobatto said...


The charm just never ends.

I rate your attempted insult null point!