Monday, December 22, 2008

On the 10th Day of Christmas...

...I managed to get two train stations away before noticing that maybe it might have been a good idea to bring my Santa suit with me

...I met a cowboy from the Blue Mountains with a lazy eye and a cracked filling searching for the mythical Oxford street to get a dentist

...I missed breakfast

...I got an email from suggesting I quit my job as Santa and try and go for the job of "children's party host and hair stylist" or, dare I even to dream, go for a work experience program... twice...

...I discovered that Santa's bottomless sack works by the opening stretching further and further from the bottom of the sack until it finally tears free, staining everything red like a gore flick

...I realized that my previous photographer who spent the whole time reading newspapers, doing crosswords, shopping, wandering around and generally revelling in the anonymous freedom non-Santas get allowing her to schive off a day while I had to sit in a chair doing absolutely nothing. For less pay.

...I created a new reindeer, Oliver, who lost one of his antlers when Rudolf had a violent cocaine rage (what? You thought that red nose and all the white "snow" was a coindicence?)

...I boggled that they play Do They Know It's Christmas? followed by Greenday's Holiday in a strange montage of Who theme tune rip offs...

...I officially reached the "I am sick of this job and no longer care if this entire building burns down as long as I get paid" stage

...I realized I had no idea if I was really being paid or if the time sheets were going in right

...I nearly destroyed my copies of Time's Crucibal, The Ultimate Evil, Terror of the Vervoids and He Died With A Felafell In His Hand with a leaky water bottle.

...I realized this will be the first Christmas without Dogrooter or Vila the insane self-harming cat.

...I wondered if those bastards at a certain conferencing company had shut down for the year, and whether anyone I knew still worked there and whether or not they deserved to live, let alone get any presents.

...I concluded I am still bitter about the events of last year.

...Idly wondered if one of my YOA episodes would ever be allowed to be shown anywhere, as it features Nigel idly chatting about his hoby of taking the anal virginity of small children. I mean, he's JOKING... Well, actually, he's just trying to be really offensive, but it still might be too much.

...I discovered that Kenneth Muir's A Critical History of Space 1999 Sorry Doctor Who is now on sale for $50, a tenth of its original hardbacked price. Why didn't I buy it? How can I honestly expect to enjoy life without a book that's critical analysis of Mindwarp is "dark and ugly" and has clearly been written by someone who not only never watched the story, but has barely heard of it...

...I also learned that the hologram cover on The Complete Season 2 of Robin Hood is like a Chupacubra and inspires diziness and nausea in the beholder as some kind of defense mechanism

...Mused on the terrifying titles of Jonathan Creek episodes. The one where he teams up with Lucie Miller is called The Grinning Man. Just typing that scares the shit of me. What about Jack in the Box, The Reconstituted Corpse, Time Waits for Norman, Danse Macabre, The Eyes of Tiresius, Ghosts Forge, Angel Hair... even The Scented Room where NO ONE dies or hurts anyone is still creeps me out. Except The Coonskin Cap.

...Noticed that the Freeview adds have cut out all the bits with Doctor Who in it. Bastards.

...Boggle at the horror of a 17-year-old boy getting stabbed to death with a fish knife at Marrickville station for absolutely no reason. Four days till Christmas. And people wonder why I'm cynical.

...Met the bloke who plays Bobo in Pizza on the train home. Surprisingly not a psycho in real life (but he's got the same intense mother relationship). Seems Paulie IS like that all the time, though. And surprisingly aggressive and spoiling for a fight.

...Remembered that, even after EIGHT YEARS, I still haven't finished the YOA Christmas Special. Indeed, barely started it last year.

...I got a Christmas card from Louis "Hahah, I just fucked your DVD player" Hall. He calls me "Ewin" and does he mention the incident? Or give us a present as recompense? A clue: did he fuck.

...All in all, a bit of a downer day.

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