Saturday, February 2, 2008

Torchwood For Those Who Came Late

I think I preferred my foggy dream to the latest episode of Torchwood. Now, don't get me wrong, the episode was not an insult to sentient life like most of season one, nor was it brain-twistingly stupid, nor did it appear to be part of a completely different series to the previous episodes. The problems were more fundamental than that.

Picture the year 2106, for the one hundredth anniversary of Torchwood, where the BBC or whoever were to come up with a Torchwood episode that almost but not quite rips off lots of other episodes while trying to distill the essence of the show. It's be pretty much To The Last Man.

It's Out of Time, it's Ghost Machine, it's End of Days, it's Captain Jack Harkness with a lungful of Greeks Bearing Gifts as well. There's this guy who's travelled from the past to the present and suffers culture shock at the horrors of the present/future, there's a dark destiny foretold by a flashforward in the episode and incredibly unscary and uninteresting "ghosts", there's past and present getting mixed up thanks to rift manipulators, there's Tosh travelling back in time to a world war, and of course her falling in love with someone she's known less than a week clearly destined to be dead meat before the episode is out.

The plot: in 1918, Torchwood investigates a haunted wartime hospital and sees a future version of one of the patients with Tosh, telling them to get his present version out of here. The past version is cryo-frozen and woken every year in the hope that he will be on cue to be the future version, thus completing the time loop and stopping the universe from falling apart. Tosh has fallen in love with him since they met back in 2006 (right, so she was based in Cardiff at the same time as Aliens of London, right...) but Jack knows once the time loop is stopped, the patient dude will soon die in 1918.

Add angst and stirr.

This is the plot and it's established in the first twenty minutes and it's just a predictable waiting for events to finish up. Added with it are uninteresting and VERY unfrightening scenes of Gwen wandering into the deserted hospital in the present and being menaced by ghosts. Who don't actually do much but wander around the place. Occasionally they tell Gwen to piss off. Why is this supposed to scare us since we have had it explained to us AND Gwen that the hospital is loose in time and stuff like this happens? Do they think we haven't remembered it? Why hasn't Gwen, who stumbles into a soldier with one leg missing and acts like he should be in the deserted, due for demolition hospital? Has she been drinking retcon or something? Plus, Rhys hasn't been mentioned for two weeks, not even seen... why didn't she just dump him? It would be easier to cope with, since he's not been remotely connected with the plot. His sudden "big episode" next week makes this feel even more disposable.

This composite episode has the usual additions of gratuitous sequences involving the regulars. Despite the fact she's been de facto leader, Gwen is still completely clueless about the organization - surely she would have ransacked Jack's office to work out what was going on? Owen does medical stuff and shows once again he is rubbish at talking to people and better and ruthlessly raping them. Ianto is Jack's boyfriend. And Jack himself gets crap from everyone - including Doctor Who fans, can you believe. It seems we've become so conditioned to our central character being an amoral fuckwit he can't do anything without us seeing the worst possible light. If he needs to discover a sleeper agent's identoty with her express permission, it's condoning torture. Here, we have a typical Doctor Who scenario of a guy having to sacrifice himself to save the universe with no other options. And Jack, somehow prioritizing the fate of time and space itself over a guy whose life ended in 1918 is apparently now being declared a ruthless amoral bastard. Despite the fact we know from the story that this has been done, ergo must be done. If you get my drift.

And it's Helen Raynor. Woop-de-doo. No pretentions, subtexts, subplots or sidetracking for her. No characters she writes have a third dimension. They are good, evil or comic relief and they'll stay that way. No surprises in her stories, except the new plots she has to add when it becomes clear her 'absolutely no deviation' script ended twenty minutes early. In Ghost Machine, she hastily announces the straight forward emotion-replayer can play emotions that haven't happened yet, and thus we must stop the future. Here, it's even more ridiculous. Jack realizes time is falling apart and decides to travel back to 1918 and save it, even though he'll marooned in the past again... but Owen says instead they use a mind probe, some LSD and voodoo shit to send a psychic message into the past, so the ghost of Tosh saves the day.

What the fuck? Since 1918 and 2009 are fused together, they can easily run into the other room and do the same, or simply shout instructions through a window. But no. We need a completely different 'ghost' bollocks not a million miles ripped off from the Doctor saying goodbye to Rose.

So, To The Last Man is the weakest episode so far. Everyone seems to rave about it, probably because we've seen it ALL before and it's comforting and predictable. Too damn predictable. I defy anyone not to have predicted the British posh duo are part of Torchwood, or that Tommy the Tommy won't compare Torchwood to Field Marshall Haig for their sacrificing innocents. Er, sorry you retard, this is a TIME LOOP no free will is available here, and if they DON'T send you back the universe ends. It's not a mindless kamikaze attack against people just like you, we're taking the destruction of everything after 1917! Jack grabbing a guy's arm in this situation is apparently the kind of pure evil he displayed in Cyberwoman.

I'd have to say that this episode isn't as brain dead and rubbish as some of the previous series of Torchwood, but it doesn't mean it's very good. It's not bad, but it is worthless and feels like the latter half of series one, all those scripts RTD grabbed at the last second and thus were completely disconnected and with no coherence whatsoever. There's no Grey, no Sleepers, nothing that makes this vital viewing.

Cause we've seen it all before.

9 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, Christ. You have just outlined an episode of Torchwood that does everything possible to make me hate it.

1. Lots of Agro shouting at people for being evil when they aren't.

2. Taking an idea that would be cool to do in a season or two time, when the show has really found it's feet. (Torchwood in the past - this should be a S3 story where we see the original Torchwood featuring Colonel Ross and Prof. Litefoot, you arseholes!)

3. Ignoring the fact that said brilliant idea has enough to carry an entire episode, and thus bringing in as many generic plot points as possible to pad it all out.

4. "Oh, shit! My ADHD means that I've only worked out 20 minutes of story! Now I need to put in a completely unforeshadowed tangent to give this episode a fucking ludicrous ending!"

I can't say Helen Raynor is the worst for completely irrational and terribly characterised cast, though. That would be the arsehole who wrote Out of Time. Did I ever post the stream-of-consciousness derision and anger that I felt the need to write in Wordpad while watching that shit on my blog?

The most mind-blowing bit was easily where Gwen says Jack is completely useless. You know, because he can't even manage to resurrect the dead. Jammy bastard!

Youth of Australia said...

Oh, Christ. You have just outlined an episode of Torchwood that does everything possible to make me hate it.
Soh-ree.

1. Lots of Agro shouting at people for being evil when they aren't.
Well, not lots of. You know how Raynor writes - just one scene that's very long winded.

2. Taking an idea that would be cool to do in a season or two time, when the show has really found it's feet. (Torchwood in the past - this should be a S3 story where we see the original Torchwood featuring Colonel Ross and Prof. Litefoot, you arseholes!)
Yeah, quite a few have made similar comments.

3. Ignoring the fact that said brilliant idea has enough to carry an entire episode, and thus bringing in as many generic plot points as possible to pad it all out.
You must have read my mind...

4. "Oh, shit! My ADHD means that I've only worked out 20 minutes of story! Now I need to put in a completely unforeshadowed tangent to give this episode a fucking ludicrous ending!"
Exactly.

That would be the arsehole who wrote Out of Time. Did I ever post the stream-of-consciousness derision and anger that I felt the need to write in Wordpad while watching that shit on my blog?
You did a review of OOT marked "I can't predict shit" about what you expected to happen and what didn't.

The most mind-blowing bit was easily where Gwen says Jack is completely useless. You know, because he can't even manage to resurrect the dead.
Isn't that End of Days.

I still boggle at the idea people were supposed to think "Oh, Jack is so mean!" when he has a go at the others. I'm sorry, you mean, you hadn't NOTICED what a selfish bunch of retards they were? (This at least has been fixed, but the problem is still that each episode seems to happen in a different universe... I never thought I'd be eagerly waiting a Chibnall episode.)

Jammy bastard!
No, "jammy" means "lucky".

Meantime, Spara's posted his Robin Hood Ben Catham fic...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Soh-ree.

Well, it was either you or... whoever ends up giving me the episode.

Well, not lots of. You know how Raynor writes - just one scene that's very long winded.

Ah. Still terrible, though..

You must have read my mind...

Another one that annoyed me in this way was that ye olde RH ep A Thing or Two About Loyalty. You can't tell me that the Much as Earl of Bonchurch idea wouldn't have filled an ep on it's own! Who needs the alchemist making a secret weapon?

Isn't that End of Days.

CLOSE! I knew it was something melodramatic that was also the title of a movie presumably much better.

I'll have to post that review of End of Days, then. Nice and topical.

Oh, and because I have nowhere else to put it, I forgot to send you the disc. Or to burn the disc for that matter. I'm in a forgetful mood. But Happy Birthday.

No, "jammy" means "lucky".

Oh. Well, he can still be technically called 'jammy' as he got paid a decent wage for a job he is clearly entirely unqualified for (writing TV drama)

Meantime, Spara's posted his Robin Hood Ben Catham fic...

WHAT?!?

What the fuck am I wasting my time here for?

*VROOOOOM!*

(Joke. I like your company)

Youth of Australia said...

Well, it was either you or... whoever ends up giving me the episode.
Yeah, I'll get you the eps if you want...

Another one that annoyed me in this way was that ye olde RH ep A Thing or Two About Loyalty. You can't tell me that the Much as Earl of Bonchurch idea wouldn't have filled an ep on it's own! Who needs the alchemist making a secret weapon?
When I saw that on Christmas Day when we were watching the DVD, I was amazed - I was sure those were two episodes, A Thing Or Two About Loyalty and Greek Fire. Coz they sure FEEL like two episodes stitched together.

CLOSE! I knew it was something melodramatic that was also the title of a movie presumably much better.
Parrently the movie's worse.

I'll have to post that review of End of Days, then. Nice and topical.
I love your reviews, man!

Oh, and because I have nowhere else to put it, I forgot to send you the disc. Or to burn the disc for that matter. I'm in a forgetful mood. But Happy Birthday.
Thanks man.

Oh. Well, he can still be technically called 'jammy' as he got paid a decent wage for a job he is clearly entirely unqualified for (writing TV drama)
...I thought we were talking about Jack's inability to raise the dead making him corrupt and evil?

WHAT?!? What the fuck am I wasting my time here for? *VROOOOOM!*
It's not on his blog, it's on OG, but my spoof it up on the chathamsux blog.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Yeah, I'll get you the eps if you want...

Cool. I barely talk to my old source now. In spite of the fact that he's just moved CLOSER to me than he was before. Mofo's never on MSN...

When I saw that on Christmas Day when we were watching the DVD, I was amazed - I was sure those were two episodes, A Thing Or Two About Loyalty and Greek Fire. Coz they sure FEEL like two episodes stitched together.

Yeah, I can really understand that. In fact, I think that a mate of mine at TAFE who was also a RH fan had the problem - because I missed that ep when ABC first showed it and I asked him about it. He gave me the full alchemist plot, which I thought sounded pretty boring and, because he's basically my favourite character, I asked whether Much got to do anything.

His response: "Not really"


Parrently the movie's worse.

I find that difficult to imagine.

I love your reviews, man!

It's not much of a review, though. I started watching the ep, planning to do another thing of trying to predict the second half, but then I found the whole thing filled with so many retarded plot points that I opened up Wordpad and started writing stuff like "Okay... let's go back and work out how many times this bit character has changed personalities in the space of 2 minutes..."

...I thought we were talking about Jack's inability to raise the dead making him corrupt and evil?

Well, this conversation really lost the plot somewhere along the line, eh?

It's not on his blog, it's on OG, but my spoof it up on the chathamsux blog.

As you'd have worked out, I've now read both.

(Computer trouble at home, my friend)

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, while I'm here I guess I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask whether you've read the mind-blowing news that Good News Week is coming back on this year?

With Julia McCrossin being replaced by Claire Hooper?

I don't know about you but I'm finding that [in spite of reservations about whether it's on the right network] pretty squee-worthy.

(My dad hates Claire, though, so he's lukewarm)

Youth of Australia said...

Cool. I barely talk to my old source now. In spite of the fact that he's just moved CLOSER to me than he was before. Mofo's never on MSN...
Has he no email?

Yeah, I can really understand that. In fact, I think that a mate of mine at TAFE who was also a RH fan had the problem - because I missed that ep when ABC first showed it and I asked him about it. He gave me the full alchemist plot, which I thought sounded pretty boring and, because he's basically my favourite character, I asked whether Much got to do anything.
His response: "Not really"

I probably would have said the same...

I find that difficult to imagine.
Arnie is a priest must stop the Devil from scoring with any chick on 6/6/06 with lots of explosions.

It's not much of a review, though. I started watching the ep, planning to do another thing of trying to predict the second half, but then I found the whole thing filled with so many retarded plot points that I opened up Wordpad and started writing stuff like "Okay... let's go back and work out how many times this bit character has changed personalities in the space of 2 minutes..."
I might put up my rewritten ending of the ep...

Well, this conversation really lost the plot somewhere along the line, eh?
Ah, the journey's what counts...

As you'd have worked out, I've now read both. (Computer trouble at home, my friend)
Nasty.

Oh, while I'm here I guess I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask whether you've read the mind-blowing news that Good News Week is coming back on this year?
Indeed I have, and also been lurking on the Channel Ten forum trying to get details of how to be in the audience.

With Julia McCrossin being replaced by Claire Hooper?
Didn't know that... mind you, Claire got very special treatment throughout the Sideshow, and I think Paul fancies her, so it makes sense.

I don't know about you but I'm finding that [in spite of reservations about whether it's on the right network] pretty squee-worthy.
Yeah, the network thing bites me too. And the fear they'll put it against something I really want to watch.

(My dad hates Claire, though, so he's lukewarm)
Is Mikey going to be in it? He's lost a lot of humorous material with all that weight...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Has he no email?

Yes... but for whatever reason he is loathe to use it.

Arnie is a priest must stop the Devil from scoring with any chick on 6/6/06 with lots of explosions.

Hmm... alright, I see where you're coming from...

Indeed I have, and also been lurking on the Channel Ten forum trying to get details of how to be in the audience.

Yeah, what WOULDN'T you do?

Didn't know that...

I was very glad to see it, because I always felt Julia was the odd one out but I loved all of Claire's bits on Sideshow.

mind you, Claire got very special treatment throughout the Sideshow, and I think Paul fancies her, so it makes sense.

You do? Well, my family always worked on the assumption that McDermott was gay. We were very surprised to read that he had a wife...

Yeah, the network thing bites me too. And the fear they'll put it against something I really want to watch.

Well... I'm just realising now that I don't get Channel Ten so I'm a little screwed there...

Is Mikey going to be in it? He's lost a lot of humorous material with all that weight...

Yeah, Mikey's there. He'll always be a funny bloke.

Youth of Australia said...

Yes... but for whatever reason he is loathe to use it.
Bloody luddites.

Hmm... alright, I see where you're coming from...
I admit I'm not brave enough to watch it...

Yeah, what WOULDN'T you do?
Don't wanna spoil the surprise.

I was very glad to see it, because I always felt Julia was the odd one out but I loved all of Claire's bits on Sideshow.
Yes. Of course, originally Anthony Ackroyd was the team leader, but he had to leave after the first few months and various other people took over before settling with Julia.

I think Claire'll be great.

You do? Well, my family always worked on the assumption that McDermott was gay. We were very surprised to read that he had a wife...
Yeah, I see that. Cute guy, sings like an angel, never seen with a woman, lives with two other blokes for ten years, jokes about flirting with guys... but yes. He's straight, apparently.

Well... I'm just realising now that I don't get Channel Ten so I'm a little screwed there...
Ah. Well, that's a real problem. I could tape them for you, but it would have to be on VHS I'm afraid, which you probably can't play. Damn.

Yeah, Mikey's there. He'll always be a funny bloke.
Oh I know MIKEY will be funny, but I was talking about Paul, since he always introduced "the rotund master of disaster" etc.