Saturday, November 24, 2007

John Howard and the Barely-Adequate Psychic Defenses

Well, he's gone.

For good.

I dare say someone, somewhere, is stockpiling footage of Howard finally leaving the stage as the music from Doomsday plays - the end of the line is here and, well, no happy endings.

God, I feel sorry for him.

I do.

I mean, obviously, I voted him out, I wanted him gone, I think of the two choices, Kevin Rudd was the better option. Old baldy monkey face with the huge eyebrows and the glasses and the midget tuxedo was always second place. I've been waiting for tonight for the last eleven fucking years.

My problem has always been empathy. I pick up on emotions far easier than I'd like - still, growing up surrounded by animals who don't use speech, that makes sense. The first few months of my major job were intolerable cause I was picking up all the angst and pressure from my co workers as they worried and fretted and panicked. Helped my anxiety problems no end, I can tell you.

But now, as I see the ex-Prime Minister shakingly reach for a glass of water, his mouth dry, suddenly I feel sympathy for the clueless gimboid. I too know what it's like to be suddenly chucked out of a good job and stable situation with a minute's warning. But I, however, had always suspected it was on the cards. Every day I went home unfired was a good day. On a level, that last terrible hour I think about every day... there was a kind of relief. I knew I needn't be scared of getting fired any more.

Johnny! What were you THINKING?! God, all that bluster, that insane belief you'd come out on top, mindless optimism not even Nigel Verkoff could be capable of... you NEVER once thought you'd lose, did you? You didn't have a secret plan, a Torchwood in your corner, but we all assumed you did. That if you lost, it would be the most narrow of narrow margins. Rudd could sit in your chair only with your teethmarks in his arse.

But you lost.

Not just lost. You were annihilated.

And suddenly, I didn't see the butt of all the jokes and cartoons and Chaser gags. I saw a broken old man, lost his dream and not a chance in hell of ever achieving it. He looks so old now, the cheerful grin I never realized he always wore, gone. Even if we suddenly announced he was still the Prime Minister, I doubt it would help.

The least he deserved was a dignified exit.

And Channel 7 decided not to let him have even that. Hoons shouting sarcastic, "We love you, John!" and not being remotely convincing, not even letting him finish his final speech. His last gasp of political air ruined because Mel and Koshie and whoever the fuck they are don't want tonight to be boring.

It says a lot that Kerry O'Brien lost his patience with the mindless, shouting crowds when he learned that this was a cynical ratings ploy rather than a cruel Chaser skit - and see how everyone assumed they were the ones behind this? Now the same wankers are hooning in front of Rudd, but he's too smug to be hurt.

I remember Saturdays ago, when some guy on The Sideshow sang a song - John Howard 2.0 - which pointed out that the two opponents were so similar it didn't matter which side one. The only reason to vote for Rudd was, in the song's hilarious words, 'to see the look on the motherfucker's face when he loses.'

Well. I voted against him. I saw the look on his face.

And I feel terribly sorry for the bastard, even though I know there's no way my vote was responsible. I mean, one snowflake's presence can't stop an avalanche. Maybe I just take life too personally. Maybe all that booze from the orgy yesterday is still in my system. Maybe...

Oh, fuck this, I'm going to go back to spoofing Big Finish.

4 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Was not expecting to read that. But then it sounds like 7's coverage was pretty cruel, as The Chaser anticipated. Tony Jones was pretty mild in comparison, with his "But you have LOST the seat, haven't you?"

In fact, during Howard's speech I was either ambivalent or neutral towards the man - he came across as pretty weak and bewildered, as you say, but I couldn't be sorry for him for a second because he dug his own grave over the past three years with remarkable efficiency and has no right to be surprised now. I wasn't exactly satisfied by it, though - as I imagine I would have been if Latham had won last election. (God knows how)

The only twist in the tale is that there WAS no rabbit in the hat... unless that rabbit was distributing litertature suggesting the ALP and Al'Qaeda are in bed together in one of your few genuinely safe electorates - backfire much?

I was also amazed to see Howard so ready to concede defeat at Bennelong - Kerry and co. were acting as if it was still up in the air for a week or so (In spite of numbers slowly getting even better for Labor as the night progressed) but he's just like "Yep, my career's over now, full-stop". Wow. Astonishing how Maxine McKew's star has risen... hard to belive it was just three years ago when she was the lead-in for Double the Fist.

But the real question... is Costello really going to be uncontested for Leadership? I mean, COME ON: Turnbull, Nelson, Abbott, and that crackpot Downer? It'll be like feeding time at the zoo.

Youth of Australia said...

Was not expecting to read that.
Wasn't expecting to write it...

But then it sounds like 7's coverage was pretty cruel, as The Chaser anticipated. Tony Jones was pretty mild in comparison, with his "But you have LOST the seat, haven't you?"
Spose so.

In fact, during Howard's speech I was either ambivalent or neutral towards the man - he came across as pretty weak and bewildered, as you say, but I couldn't be sorry for him for a second because he dug his own grave over the past three years with remarkable efficiency and has no right to be surprised now.
I get that. But the fact is, he WAS surprised. Stunned even. And I can only pity him, in an Ambassadors of Death Carrington kind of way...

I wasn't exactly satisfied by it, though - as I imagine I would have been if Latham had won last election. (God knows how)
Headbutting everyone into submission?

The only twist in the tale is that there WAS no rabbit in the hat... unless that rabbit was distributing litertature suggesting the ALP and Al'Qaeda are in bed together in one of your few genuinely safe electorates - backfire much?
And just how many "Chaser stunts" have occured in this campaign that the Chaser actually had NOTHING to do with? Five?

I was also amazed to see Howard so ready to concede defeat at Bennelong - Kerry and co. were acting as if it was still up in the air for a week or so (In spite of numbers slowly getting even better for Labor as the night progressed) but he's just like "Yep, my career's over now, full-stop". Wow. Astonishing how Maxine McKew's star has risen... hard to belive it was just three years ago when she was the lead-in for Double the Fist.
When are we getting the next series anyway?!

But the real question... is Costello really going to be uncontested for Leadership?
He just quit, apparently. Something about choosing to go out rather than be kicked out, like Keating back in the 90s...

Sigh.

Oh well, back to spoofing.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...


I get that. But the fact is, he WAS surprised. Stunned even. And I can only pity him, in an Ambassadors of Death Carrington kind of way...


I don't know... I have limited sympathy for completely deluded individuals... don't know what that says about me...

And just how many "Chaser stunts" have occured in this campaign that the Chaser actually had NOTHING to do with? Five?

It has been getting out of hand - they've brought in quite an amazingly popular new trend.

"I've got some viagara for little Johnny - something to help him get his election up!"

I thought their comment on it (spending the morning as Howard's minders) is probably the cleverest thing the Chaser has ever done.


When are we getting the next series anyway?!


Aaaargh, tell me about it! It's been announced, it's been in production, Doug Bayne isn't doing anything right now - JUST SHOW IT, ABC! SHOW IT, DAMN YOU!

They even had Steve and the gang one of their "Coming up..." ads for Christ's sake!

He just quit, apparently. Something about choosing to go out rather than be kicked out, like Keating back in the 90s...

Bloody hell. Had to Google search to make sure you were on the level - and I KNOW you never lie to me.

Even in quiet defeat Costello can be an arsehole, though - not only is he claiming that HE could have won this election, he's saying that he publicly stated he wanted the leadership that he "was very upfront about it, I put it publicly, in this room and many other rooms"

Yeah, keep saying that, Pete.

Youth of Australia said...

I don't know... I have limited sympathy for completely deluded individuals... don't know what that says about me...
It says you have ANY kind of emotional restraint, unlike me. I'm worse than bloody Kamelion, me.

It has been getting out of hand - they've brought in quite an amazingly popular new trend.
My mum thinks that the Chaser is going to cut back on the political side of things after this - there's not much else they can do, and now everyone's wise to them...

"I've got some viagara for little Johnny - something to help him get his election up!"
Well, it's not as weak as Chas and the giant waxy cotton bud.

I thought their comment on it (spending the morning as Howard's minders) is probably the cleverest thing the Chaser has ever done.
It's certainly not taking the obvious route - and I loved their realization that Howard is physically fitter than any of them, and how they wished it was Beazley they were minding...

Aaaargh, tell me about it! It's been announced, it's been in production, Doug Bayne isn't doing anything right now - JUST SHOW IT, ABC! SHOW IT, DAMN YOU!
The ABC makes me SICK!

They've been advertising it all year!

Mind you, there was that Joanna Lumbley show "Class Act" which took four WHOLE years to get from the Coming Soon ads to its graveyard slot on Saturday Nights...

They even had Steve and the gang one of their "Coming up..." ads for Christ's sake!
It burns...

Bloody hell. Had to Google search to make sure you were on the level - and I KNOW you never lie to me.
I don't blame you.

Dude, this is the electoral equivalent of "Blake" - no survivors...

Even in quiet defeat Costello can be an arsehole, though - not only is he claiming that HE could have won this election, he's saying that he publicly stated he wanted the leadership that he "was very upfront about it, I put it publicly, in this room and many other rooms"
Yeah, keep saying that, Pete.

And after Howard borderline BEGGED Pete to take over the party... to get spat in the face like that.

...But what did anyone expect?