Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lost YOA episode found!!!

What do you mean, this is the wrong blog? I built them all, not you, so piss off. Anyway, back when the universe was half its present size and the Olympics was all anyone could talk or even think about, I once spent a lunchtime in the library writing a draft YOA script with the help of a bunch of students around me, amazed that I could type up their obscene ideas with such speed.

The episode was inspired by People Like Us in its doco-setting and focussed on Nigel's brief career at EGI. Because it was the first finished episode, it is thus pretty different and more surreal to the usual fare and the characters not quite 'right' - Eve doesn't even get a mention. Tragically, it was written on a school computer and not saved, thus lost between the cracks of data. Luckily, however, an old email contained the first half of the script which is reproduced here, unaltered for the first time.

What do you mean, this is the wrong blog? I built them all, not you, so piss off. Ooh... deja vu...

Going Home. For Ever.



We see various shots of Sydney, people walking to work, people in offices.

VICK: [VO] As the world's population continues to expand, technology is dehumanising the work-place, rendering more and more tasks under computer control. Is there still a place for humanity in the twenty-first century? In this series we will be examining the day-to-day running of modern society. The people desperately looking for work, and desperately holding onto it.

We see groups of people at Centerlink, and then John Howard.

VICK: [VO] For we will be examining if the youth of Australia have a chance of working - or are just wasting time?


We some stark, disturbing images of people working, clocks ticking, people clocking on, working, clocking off, before the clocks reach midnight. A bright light morphs into the words WASTING TIME. With dramatic music, we fade to black.


We see Dave, Andrew and Nigel in a newsagency. Andrew is looking through the sci-fi mags, Dave through the comics, and Nigel through the porn mags. As he adjusts a fold-out, Vick continues.

VICK: [VO] Nigel Verkoff is 21, and has been in gainful employment for about six days. Having just failed the HSC, a series of near-suicide attempts has ended with him living with others.

Meanwhile, Nigel nonchalantly picks up the rack with all the porn mags, and surreptitiously carries it out of the shop.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, I mean, this has been a difficult decision for me. But, you know, it does have its perks, you've got to admit.


Dave, Andrew and Nigel are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Sitting in the corner is the porn mag rack. Nigel speaks to camera.

NIGEL: The bright side of spending most of your time with two total dickheads with the sexual prowess of a dead goldfish, it really boosts your morale.

VICK: [VO] And you think that this confidence allowed you gain your position at EuroGlobe Industries?

NIGEL: No doubt about it. I went into the first interview, and I used the old trick of picturing them naked, you know, a kind of intimidation thing they use. Anyway, the panel were these three hot chicks were hardly wearing anything at all, anyway. My imagination filled in the gaps, and, well, I think my concentration failed as a result.

VICK: [VO] You couldn't answer their questions?

NIGEL: No, more I was so horny I couldn't hear them.

VICK: [VO] That must have been very difficult.

NIGEL: Oh, it was very hard, believe you me. Thankfully, though, Anthony - that is, my, er... well, I can't call him a friend... More someone - well, something - that I've known for quite a time. Back to the point, Anthony here...


NIGEL: Sorry?

ANDREW: My name's Andrew.

NIGEL: Is it? How interesting. [TO VICK] Anyway, me and Anthony here, [INDICATES ANDREW] were at school together for years. We even took the HSC at the tame time, with Derek, [INDICATES] up the back there.

DAVE: [LOOKS UP] Uh, no, no.

NIGEL: Oh, what is it now?

DAVE: I'm Dave.


DAVE: Yes?

NIGEL: Why didn't you tell me earlier?

DAVE: I did.

NIGEL: I thought you were Derek.

ANDREW: He told you this morning.

NIGEL: Really? How fascinating. [TO VICK] Back on track...

ANDREW: He told you yesterday as well.

NIGEL: Look, shut up Antione.

ANDREW: It's Andrew!

NIGEL: Look, I care? Are you the one the cameras are focussed on?

ANDREW: Yeah, look. [POINTS] You can see they are.

NIGEL: Yes, but that's because I'm talking to you at the moment. [PHYSICALLY DRAGS CAMERA TO LOOK AT HIM] I think the moment has been appropriately captured, don't you?

DAVE: I told you the day before that, as well.

NIGEL: [DESPERATEY, TO VICK] Look, shouldn't we start again?

VICK: [VO] No, no, we're fine. This is good texture stuff.

NIGEL: Stuff the texture!

DAVE: [OBLIVIOUS] In fact, I've told you three times a day, morning, noon and night for the last six months, Nige.

NIGEL: [FURIOUS] Shut up, Derek!

DAVE: You shut up, Norman!


ANDREW: What wasn't you?

NIGEL: The chicken consented, honestly! What would I want with a dead chicken up my arse, answer me that. [ALMOST IN TEARS] I try so hard to
be liked, but all the nice girls hate me.

ANDREW: [GENTLY] *All* girls hate you, Nigel.

NIGEL: I know, but the nice ones sometimes go down on you. Well, not YOU anyway. Or me, either for that matter. [TO VICK] Can we just get back on topic please, Vernon?

VICK: [VO] It's er, Vick, actually

NIGEL: Oh, piss off.


We see a logo saying EURO-GLOBE INDUSTRIES - MAKING YOUR LIVES END. A man in glasses stands next to it.

EXECUTIVE: I really must point out that this er, motto, is a simple
misspelling and shouldn't really be taken in context. EuroGlobe Industries do not murder people under any circumstances, and we are definitely not used by the American government in any way, shape or form to murder innocent refugees that attempt to reach Australia. None, whatsoever.

VICK: [VO] What's the real motto then?

EXECUTIVE: [TAKEN ABACK] I beg your pardon?

VICK: [VO] The motto. Your company motto. What is it?

EXECUTIVE: [NODS] OH, right. Ah. This motto.

He studies it for a moment, brain racing.

EXECUTIVE: Oh, well, that's simple. Ah... 'EuroGlobe Industries... Oh, god, oh god... Ah, Making Your Lives End... er'.

VICK: [VO] Yes, but what's the real one?

EXECUTIVE: Well, I haven't finished yet... [FRANTICALLY] Uuuuuuuuuh, 'EuroGlobe Industries... Making Your Lives End... less. That's it.
Making Your Lives Endlessly... oh, Fun! That's it! Brilliant!

VICK: [VO/PUZZLED] Making Your Lives Endlessly Fun?

EXECUTIVE: [INSTANTLY COMPOSED] Yes, that's it. Rather good, I thought. Took hours of work by our research team to come up with a corporate slogan which appealed to every age group and stated our intentions instantly.

VICK: [VO] And that is your intention?


VICK: [VO] To make lives endlessly fun?

EXECUTIVE: Yes, well, of course it is. Bloody stupid to put a =
corporate logo on every wall and then find out it doesn't state our intentions.

VICK: [VO] But it doesn't.

EXECUTIVE: [SOUNDS BEATEN] Yes, it doesn't, does it?

VICK: [VO] So, what about your youth training schemes for young adults?

The executive runs off camera and there is the sound of a kiss.

VICK: [VO] Oh my god!

The Executive runs into view.

EXECUTIVE: [HAPPILY] Of course! We make endlessly fun, by providing endless jobs to todays' unemployed youth! Fantastic! I've got to communicate with head office.

He starts to head off.

VICK: [VO] Don't forget about the misspelling.



Nigel is driving like a maniac, but talking in a relaxed, casual manner. Also in the car are Andrew, Dave, Vick (who we still don't see fully), and a cameraman. They are pressed back into their seats by the G-Force and occasionally scream about the obstacles they are about to crash into, to remind Nigel to steer out of the way.

VICK: [VO] EuroGlobe Industries began a gargantuan publicity campaign at the start of the year, with their catchy slogan 'Get off your fat arses and do some work, you bludging scum' for their training schemes. However, it is only now that Nigel felt disposed to sign up, ten months later.

NIGEL: [NOT EVEN LOOKING AT THE ROAD] Yeah, well, I don't pay much attention to advertising you know. All that sky-writing stuff, the commercial breaks on the adult channel...

DAVE: [SCREAMS] Nigel, please, we're about to hit that car!

NIGEL: What car?

There is a crash and the whole car shakes. After two seconds steering, Nigel lets go of the wheel and turns to look at Vick.

VICK: [VO/NERVOUS] So, er, how did you learn about the exciting opportunities that EuroGlobe Industries were offering, then, Nigel?

We concentrate on Nigel as sounds of sirens and near-impacts with other vehicles fill the background.

NIGEL: Funny thing, I was just staring at the TV, singing along to Bob the Builder's version of Bohemian Rhapsody, and there was this add about free jobs. So, I thought, why not? I might be able to steal some money.

VICK: [VO/CONFUSED] But I thought you said you didn't watch advertisements.

NIGEL: Shut up, you massive waste of skin! Can't you see I'm trying to drive here! It's a task that requires total concentration on the part of the driver, I would be grateful if you showed a bit of consideration the safety of myself and everyone else in my vehicle if you just shut you bloody mouth and never speak again!

Nigel then starts driving in an exaggeratedly 'concentrated' matter, staring in every direction and making tiny, useless adjustments to the dashboard. After about ten seconds, he gets bored and gives up.

NIGEL: Besides!

VICK: [VO] Sorry?

NIGEL: It was just before Norman and The Great Arsehole's Noel Edition of Hilarious Family Video Accidents!

ANDREW: [CONVERSATIONALLY] Yeah we tried out for that, once.

VICK: [VO] Really?

DAVE: Yeah, it was a pretty good attempt, we thought. [SCREAMS] Pedestrian! [CALMLY] Yeah, we managed to train our pet dog, Pussy-Eater, to ride a skateboard. The idea was we'd film him as he accidentally hanged himself and then caught on fire.

ANDREW: [SCREAMS] Lamppost! [CALMER] We did 986 takes before we got it right, you know. And then we discovered that [VEHENOUSLY] SOMEONE had forgot รค to press the record button!

NIGEL: Yeah the tape was blank. I suggested we send it in. You know
[MIMES WRITING LETTER] 'Dear... Arsehole... Er, I was just filming my wife accidentally sew her head to the curtains when I realized that the tape wasn't recording.' That's the ultimate joke! No-one's tried that before.

DAVE: [SCREAMS] Hump-back-bridge! [CALMLY] But unfortunately, Norman - from Norman and the Great Arsehole - had done exactly the same thing. It was the highlight of their televisual career.

NIGEL: [NODS] In fact, I think that's where I stole the idea from.


We see the house, early in the morning.

VICK: [VO] Today is Friday, and the seventh day that Nigel has been working with EuroGlobe Industries. To ensure no tardiness, it is company policy that all employees should be awake at 7:45 AM, which will then give them time to reach work and prepare themselves for the day ahead.


We see the alarm clock tick to 7:45 and bleep loudly. Nigel's eyes snap open and he sits straight up in bed.

VICK: [VO] Like all EuroGlobe personnel, Nigel is immaculately prepared for the start of the day.

Nigel picks up a hammer and smashes the alarm clock to peaces. Smiling happily, he falls back onto the bed, fast asleep.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, well, it is regulation that EuroGlobe employees are awake at quarter to eight, so a lot of them wake up and stay awake. Me? Can't be bothered, and I've checked with my lawyers, and there is no =
regulation stating that we have to awake after 7:45.


A huge breakfast is prepared - a mixture of yeeros, McDonalds, KFC and a home-cooked fry up of sausages, beans, bacons and eggs, all in the same frying pan. Andrew is tucking in, and Dave is pouring orange juice. Nigel enters, looking quite refreshed.

VICK: [VO] Nigel wakes up in his own sweet time at 11 o'clock and begins a seventeen-course breakfast. The cost of this gargantuan repast is covered by Nigel's pay-check, which has just arrived.

Nigel begins eating as well.

ANDREW: Of course, many people forget that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. The word itself comes from 'breaking fast', which means stuffing as much food into your face and then letting out a huge fart. The fast bit relates to running away before anyone realizes it was you that did it.

DAVE: [SIPPING JUICE] Apparently breakfast is the most important meal in the day.

The others nod.

NIGEL: Yeah, I mean, they're all important aren't they? Without breakfast, you'd never last to lunch. And without lunch, you'd be dead before dinner. I think every meal is equally important.

We see a hand creep toward a plate of greasy hot chips. Andrew produces a shotgun and fires at the hand. The camera view spins and ends up pointing at the ceiling. The camera man sobs in pain.

VICK: [VO] Er... Why did you just do that?

ANDREW: [VO] I had to. Sorry about your cameraman.

NIGEL: [VO] You've got to remember, that the only way to keep food supplies safe in the olden days was with a scarecrow. Young Anthony there...

ANDREW: [VO] Andrew!

NIGEL: [VO] ...Andrew, whatever... He is just more direct. [PAUSE] Do you think he's alright down there?

DAVE: [VO] Not sure. Is that his thumb is in the chili sauce?


VICK: [VO] Ooh, that'd sting. Oh, well, anyway, when do you think
you'll be heading for work?

NIGEL: [VO] Whenever I bloody well want to, you retard. Pass the salt.


A train pulls in on the station. Passengers embark and disembark.

VICK: [VO] After a short break to the intensive care unit and a new cameraman, Nigel and the people he knows finish off their breakfast and head for work. Quite why Andrew and Dave are coming to EuroGlobe Industries is something of a mystery, as they don't actually work there.

The train leaves.

NIGEL: [VO] Yeah, well, they've been keeping quiet a lot, not talking in their usual high-pitched agonized squealing, so I've decided to them a favor. Besides, I'm hoping the security guards will chuck them out the moment they try and get inside.

We cut to Nigel, half-turned away from us, staring at a time table.

VICK: [VO] What about us?

NIGEL: Us? Who's us, white boy?

VICK: [VO] Us! The Wasting Time documentary film crew!

NIGEL: Oh, them. [PAUSE] Who knows? There is that rule of absolutely no filming inside the buildings, but that's no reason to be worried. After all, my bashful charm and muscular physique, I should be able to sweet-talk them round it. Nothing to worry about.

Nigel turns to face us, holding a porn mag and zipping up his trousers. Andrew and Dave join them. Dave holds a bucket of hot chips and Andrew has a dozen magazines under his arm. He hands them to Nigel.

ANDREW: OK, here are all the ones they've got. You finished with 'Dogs' Arses Monthly', yet?

NIGEL: [HANDS HIM MAGAZINE] Yeah, here you go.

ANDREW: [TAKES IT GINGERLY] Yeah, they want the others back when you've finished with them.

Andrew walks off.

DAVE: [HANDS NIGEL CHIPS] There you go. [PAUSE] So how come you get on so well with everyone here at the station but not your own parents?

NIGEL: I'm a brilliant diplomat and student of the human nature, Dave. [FLIPS THROUGH PORN MAGS] Hmmm! 'Flat Slags Weekly' or 'Hairy Bitch Digest'?! Oh, God! The agony of choice! I'll just have to try using both.

He turns away from us.

NIGEL: Anyway, where was I?

VICK: [VO] How do you get on so well with the station staff?

NIGEL: Oh, yeah. Well, I just blackmail them.

VICK: [VO] Blackmail?!

NIGEL: Yep. Slipped them LSD, waited five minutes and just started taking photographs. You need asbestos gloves to look at those ones - they're red hot.

DAVE: [NODS] Yeah, I've seen them. There's the tick salesman running around wearing only a Toblerone packet and cutting off peoples' genitalia without them noticing. [GIGGLES] What people get up to if they think no one's watching...


We see a large clock saying one o'clock. We pan down to see a train pulling out of the station.

VICK: [VO] The midday train has left the station, and Nigel is now three and a half hours late for work. However, this latest delay is, surprisingly enough, not of his own making.

We cut to Nigel and Dave. A pile of sticky magazines sits at their feet, with flies buzzing around it. Nigel and Dave are now eating some takeaway and Dave is flipping through a copy of the day's paper.

NIGEL: There's no reason why we wouldn't be on it!

DAVE: ...except for the fact they don't let you get on the trains without a ticket.

NIGEL: Yeah, well there is that. Fascists! I'll have to remind the boss I've got the photos of him in the wet suit with the bottom cut out and the bucket of fish. That's not the problem...

DAVE: What? Is that the one that they don't let you eat on board?

NIGEL: NO! It's the fact Andrew's missing.


NIGEL: So, I owe him! [TO VICK] This is the only time you can film a day at work right?

VICK: [VO] Well, actually...

NIGEL: [IGNORING HIM] You see, Dave?

DAVE: Ok, Ok! Keep calm. [PAUSE] Why do you owe him?

NIGEL: Hmm? Oh, in return for getting him on TV and being taken to my industrious place of work, he was going to make a perpetually looped tape of the shower scene in Starship Troopers.

Nigel looks quite excited at this prospect.

DAVE: [DISGUSTED] Will you just calm down?! Weren't those fifty-eight separate porn magazines enough to sate your libido for five minutes?

NIGEL: There is no such publication that can hold me!!!

He laughs in megalomania for a few moments.

NIGEL: Where is that stupid Anthony idiot!

DAVE: Andrew!

NIGEL: Whatever!

We cut to Andrew wandering out of the toilets. He slowly realizes that he is being filmed, and tries to smile politely at camera and walk in a straight line. He bumps into various people and objects, before the camera rushes towards him.

VICK: [VO] Andrew! Andrew!


VICK: [VO] You've missed the train we're running late.


He crosses to a phone and tries to lift it up and dial a number while still staring straight at camera and fails miserably.


We see Norman, in a pair of shades, managing to eat a pizza and talk into a microphone at the same time. The Great Arsehole sits opposite him. A third figure and seems to be talking in a strange voice - we do not see his face.

NORMAN: So, Commahahagrrrr, anything planned for the weekend?

,HAHAGRR: [SOUNDING ALIEN] Yes. I am going to destroy your planet and everyone one it. Your mighty cities will collapse like dust in the wind as we feast upon your bones.

Norman has dozed off. Arsehole nudges him awake.

NORMAN: [WAKES] What? Hmm? Oh, right. And ah, why are you doing that?

Another alien voice fills the air.

BRRAD: Yeah, Bohss. Why?

,HAHAGRR: Silence, Brrad!

BRRAD: Please, call me Brad.

ARSEHOLE: Uh, sorry guys, but we've really got to ask you to leave.

BRRAD: Why? Is our time running out?

ARSEHOLE: No, we just don't like you very much.

,HAHGRR: Oh, all right then.

We see two strange aliens rise and leave the studio. Norman and Arsehole watch on, shaking their heads.

ARSEHOLE: God, it's worse than John Howard turning up.

NORMAN: [NODS] You got that right, Arsehole. At least we're still on air without the parents complaining.

A light starts flashing. After a few seconds, Arsehole notices it. He simply swigs some more tea and ignores it. Another light starts to flash. And another. A siren starts to wail.

NORMAN: Arsehole?


NORMAN: I think we've got a call.


NORMAN: You wanna answer it?

ARSEHOLE: [FURIOUS] Jesus Christ, I wouldn't want you to get off your tiny arse and do something yourself, you bloated sack of cancerous stool samples. [PICKS UP PHONE AND IS INSTANTLY FRIENDLY] Glebe FM, can I help you?

There is a gunshot. Both Norman and Arsehole look surprised.



We see Andrew giggling. He is holding a tape recorder up to the phone.

ANDREW: [INTO PHONE] Hello? Is that the Samaritans?


Norman and Arsehole exchange looks.

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] He thinks he's rung the Samaritans.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] Who'd be that stupid a

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Only one man.

NORMAN: [NODS] Jjjjim Volkswagen.

ARSEHOLE: [SLY] This could be fun. [INTO MIKE] Hello. Samaritans. Can I help you at all?

[From now on we cut between the two stations]

Andrew puts on an anguished expression.

ANDREW: Please, you've got to help me! I can't take it anymore!

ARSEHOLE: Well, I think that you're the judge of that.

NORMAN: That's right arsehole. So, Jjjjim, what can't you take?

ANDREW: Oh, everything. I've failed at school, my girlfriend's left me because I can't French Kiss her, I'm crap at sport and people think I'm strange.

NORMAN: Yes, well, there appears to be only one course left to you.


ARSEHOLE: Are you a Buddhist, Jjjjim?


ARSEHOLE: Look, mate, if you can't hate the shit hole you've made of your life, all you can do it start all over and hope for the best. So, what are you thinking of coming back as?

ANDREW: Oh, er...

NORMAN: Something organic. I'd go for frilly lace undies myself.

ARSEHOLE: Nah, I'd be Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's DANGEROUSLY organic, she is. I could get a job in a Marrickville pub - a strip-joint FULL of =
mirrors! [CALMS DOWN] Well, it's your decision.

ANDREW: Let me get this straight, you WANT me to commit suicide.

NORMAN: We've all got to go sometime, Jjjim.

ARSEHOLE: In fact, I wish we could come with you, but you know what its like, being highly-respected radio megastars...

ANDREW: But you're the Samaritans!

NORMAN & ARSEHOLE: Yeeeeeeeeeees.

ANDREW: You're supposed to convince me not to kill myself.

NORMAN & ARSEHOLE: Yeeeeeeeeeees.

ANDREW: You're not doing a good job are you?

NORMAN: Well, you're obviously inconsolable. Nothing we can say or do will persuade you otherwise. Sorry, Jjjjim, I'd like to help but, er, lost causes depress us, isn't that right Arsehole?

ARSEHOLE: Too right, Norman.

ANDREW: But surely, don't you get paid if I kill myself!

ARSEHOLE: It's a bit vulgar to talk about money at a time like this.

ANDREW: Well, don't you?

NORMAN: Yes. Thirty dollars for every human life saved, plus GST.

ANDREW: So if I die, you don't get paid.

There is a long pause.

ARSEHOLE: Excuse us just one minute, Jjjjim.

Norman and Arsehole switch off the mikes and talk in hushed tones.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] But we don't get paid!

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] But we might be if we can convince the boss that we're saving lives.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] The viewers won't like it if we save someone!

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Not viewers, you idiot! Listeners! Besides, we only have to stop him killing himself now. We're guest starring in the next episode of "Always Greener", so we'll bring along Jjjim and execute him live on TV!

NORMAN: [SOTTO] But can we convince him to save himself?

ARSEHOLE: [SOTTO] Yeah, easy. We just have to make him feel wanted, to feel good about himself.

NORMAN: [SOTTO] How? I mean, what is there about him to feel good about? He's so sad and pathetic he couldn't get elected president of the United States!

ARSEHOLE: Ah, well, it'll be a laugh whatever happens.

He switches the mikes back on.

ARSEHOLE: Hello, there, Jjjim!

ANDREW: [SOBBING] Look, I can't take it anymore! No one's listening, not even you! I'm going to end it all right now.

Arsehole looks panicked. Norman steps in.

NORMAN: Now look here, Jjjim, your heart's not really into it, is it? If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it by now. You wouldn't have rung us up. So, come on, there's no reason to blow your head to pieces, is there?

ANDREW: [SOFTLY] I voted for John Howard.

Norman and Arsehole's eyes widen.

ARSEHOLE: [SCREAMS] Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the ---

Norman grabs Arsehole and manages to silence him.

NORMAN: [SOUNDS DISGUSTED] Look, I'm sure there must be something we can do to help you [LOOKS ILL] overcome your foul depraved mindset.

ANDREW: There's only one thing stopping me from killing myself right now!


ANDREW: Well, I can't put the shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger at the same time. My arms don't reach you see.

NORMAN: Yes, there is that problem!

ANDREW: But I'm going to kill myself right now...


ANDREW: ...unless you tell me how to put the shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger at the same time!

ARSEHOLE: Oh, easy. Use a bit of string. Tie it round the trigger.

ANDREW: [CHEERFUL] Oh, thanks mate!

Andrew holds up the tape recorder and presses a button. A deafening gunshot is heard, followed by some gurgles, then silence. Andrew walks away from the phones. Meanwhile, Norman and Arsehole exchange looks.


ARSEHOLE: Oh. Anyway, tomorrow on Glebe FM, the house of fun, laughter, pain, death and misery. Sponsored by Natasha Dotdespoya under duress. And now, Bob the Builder sings the National Anthem.

He flips some switches and then slumps back in the chair.

ARSEHOLE: Well, that could have gone better.

NORMAN: Look on the bright side, Jjjjim Volkswagen is dead.

ARSEHOLE: I suppose so. Call the limousine, will you?

NORMAN: [STARTS DIALING PHONE] I hate the chauffer, don't you?

ARSEHOLE: Yes, we've had to put up Jjjim Volkswagen for the last six months. He was frightfully reckless this morning.

NORMAN: [INTO PHONE] Yes. Yeah, do it. [PUTS DOWN PHONE] God, I hate him!


NORMAN: Yeah, he's still in the car park. [PAUSE] Oh.

ARSEHOLE: Hey, if that's Jjjjim Volkswagen, then who...

The terrible twosome look worried.


A Tangara accelerates down the track.

VICK: [VO] After disciplining Andrew appropriately, Nigel boards the next train to work. Even if the train was running on time, they would still be four hours late. Yet Nigel is not concerned.


Nigel, Dave and Andrew are sitting around. Andrew has a black eye.

NIGEL: Well, I mean, everyone has their bad days. I mean, this isn't that usual for us, you know. Normally, we're very punctual. Well, I am. Sometimes I even turn up for work at all!

He looks around for the others to laugh. They don't.

NIGEL: [TO HIMSELF] Damn. Mistimed it. [LOUDER] Hey, Andrew?

ANDREW: [LOOKS UP] He remembered my name. [TO NIGEL] What?

NIGEL: Lean out of the window, for me, would you?

ANDREW: Isn't that something you're not supposed to do if the train is moving very fast? I thought it was.

DAVE: Yeah, it is.


Andrew gives Dave a worried, look, then rises to the window and headbutts until it shatters wind roars in. He sticks his head out the window for about half-a-second and then turns to Nigel.

ANDREW: Happy?

NIGEL: Longer.

Andrew stick his head out for a whole second.

NIGEL: Longer!

Andrew starts to, but stops.

ANDREW: Ohmygod!! Somehow, a 500 dollar note has attached itself to the side of the train outside, and sticky-taped to it is a copy of 'Pot-Bellied Pig Fanciers' Weekly'!

NIGEL: [EXCITED] Where! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere?!

Andrew steps aside and indicates Nigel stick his head out through the window. Nigel does so and a second later the train enters a tunnel. Everything goes dark for a moment and there is a hideous scream. The train emerges from the tunnel, and the lights return. There is no sign of Nigel.

ANDREW: [SHOUTS THROUGH WINDOW] Hahahah! What do you think I am? Stupid?

The train enters another tunnel. Andrew screams. When the train emerges, Dave is left alone with Vick and the cameraman.

VICK: [VO] Er, shouldn't you, um...

DAVE: [READING NEWSPAPER] Oh, they're just upset.

17. CITY

We see the building from earlier. Nigel and Andrew are slightly the worse for wear. Looking very overconfident, Nigel strides into the foyer like he owns the place.

VICK: [VO] After a brief stop at the next station to collect the bodies of Andrew and Nigel, and a short trip to an intensive care unit, Nigel Verkoff reaches work a mere five hours late, but spirits undampened.


A large, fat woman sits at the front desk marked SECURITY RECEPTION. Nigel strides up to the security guard.

GUARD: Pass, please.

NIGEL: [SHOWS HER PASS] There you go, Lucky Charm.

We see the picture on the pass is of Nigel, dressed as stripper, down to his jockstrap. Nigel frowns at the guard.

NIGEL: Are you wearing shoulder pads?

GUARD: [BASHFUL] Just a hint of working out.

NIGEL: Suits you. So, how's the sex change coming along?

GUARD: [SIGHS] Slow but sure. Uh, Mr Verkoff, who are these people?

She indicates the others.

VICK: [VO] Well, you we're part of...

NIGEL: [HASTILY] A new sitcom for transvestite security personnel. It's called "Don't Cross Us, Mate". I was just wondering, perhaps you could appear as part of the title sequence - you know, busy trannie guard filling out forms and her pair of male boxers...

GUARD: Really?!

NIGEL: [SMILES] Yes, really! [TO CAMERA, THREATENING] Isn't that right?!

VICK: [VO] Er, of course. Yes.


NIGEL: Why don't you go and freshen up? You want to look you best for the cameras, wouldn't you? I'm sure Mr Daville here would be more than happy enough to give a few moments to change.

GUARD: Really?! Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

There is a long pause.

VICK: [VO] Yes.

The Guard runs over to a small door, opens it and rushes inside. Nigel surreptitiously closes it. Andrew wanders over to him.

ANDREW: That was suspiciously easy.

NIGEL: Ah, I do this every day. You still have that bottle of scotch on you, Andrew? [ANDREW NODS] Give it to me.


NIGEL: It would take years to make you understand.

ANDREW: Understand what?

NIGEL: That I am better than you, so listen to me before I shove a shotgun up your arse and give you both barrels!


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