Saturday, January 4, 2014

The Goacher Transfer

I'm idling at the moment after two days of playing with my neice who is so awesome I wish some River-Song style timey-wimey thing meant I'd known her when I was her age. So while I wait for the penny to drop and her realize she's left her tablet here and muse over her impressions of DW (she knows without any prompting of any kind that the writer of Revelation of the Daleks is a miserable toad who hated Colin Baker despite his clear awesomeness) I thought I might as well pad out the blog with some of spara's quotes.

Despite being totally deserted by every single one of his supporters by their own choice, his forum gathering dust and not having caused a flamewar on Gallifrey Base for two years straight, the corpse of the Emperor continues to twitch pointlessly like a born-again Christian forced to watch Threads on youtube. The guy just won't give up, and I think it's down to the fact his own doublespeak now renders anything he says total gibberish that no one can actually understand, let alone be offended by. No one even bothers to quote his posts and ask if there's anyone who looks after him and makes sure he takes his medication any more.

So, I've descided to translate his hopes for NuWho 2014 (AKA Chatham-Free for 50 Years and Counting!) into modern Australian so we can realize just what he's trying to say.


The Moffat era is probably the worst ever Doctor Who era bar the first two Andrew Cartmel seasons.

TRANSLATION: I've been doing this for nine years but no one's biting any more.

Right from the childish 'The Eleventh Hour' its progressed to convoluted boring plots, the dreary Ponds/Riversong saga and awful Xmas specials. The dialogue is delivered in clipped one liners in order to appeal to the gadfly brigade with no concentration beyond 2 seconds, yet the plots are too convoluted for these people.

TRANSLATION: I hate everyone.

Some say it is an elitist attitude that anyone who likes an era of Doctor Who that I don't like, I label others lesser than myself. This argument is basically relativism ie it is propogating the view that all eras/ styles/ art is equally valid because its 'all subjective' etc.

TRANSLATION: For some reason, no one agrees with me any more. Not even for a laugh.

This viewpoint is wrong because the end result of this line of thinking is that Mills & Boon novels are as valid as Charlotte Bronte. It negates any notion of quality.

TRANSLATION: I met a woman once. She didn't like absinthe.

Serious literature is better and more fulfilling than cheap pulp.

TRANSLATION: I tried wanking in iambic pentameter, but got whiplash.

Even within popular culture it is possible to judge differences in quality. Some would dismiss all pop/rock music as cheap trash (as opposed to classical). Yet within popular music it is still clear that artists such as Bob Dylan are in a higher quality league than Peter Andre.

TRANSLATION: I did not mention Bowie. I am luring you into a trap. Hahahahah.

I have no idea who these Moffat fans are however almost everything they say is complete horse manure.

TRANSLATION: Cunting fucking shit bollocking fuck-flappy cunt.

Moffat has no understanding of Doctor Who.

TRANSLATION: All those scenes of Matt Smith spitting out wine make me feel... like... you know... not good about me drinking buckets of absinthe every night. HOW VERY DARE YOU! I HAVE A DEGREE!

Season 18 had its faults however it was season 17 that was the nadir which he completely ignores.

TRANSLATION: Hang on, wait, I forget. Did Cartmel write Creature from the Pit? I'm actually quite confused now. I need another drink.

'The Trial of a Time Lord' was dire.

TRANSLATION: I deny all claims I was spontaneously aroused by Vervoids.

Things need to be changed if Doctor Who is to survive.

TRANSLATION: I will now repeat the exact same thing I have said for nine years until you fuckers finally crumble and admit defeat.

1) A new logo and theme are required. Something more in the spirit of the original ie strange, unnerving and based on minimalist electronica. Rather than loud, bombastic, orchestral and pitched squarely at the massed ranks of the dim.

TRANSLATION: I want Bowie to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune and make the time vortex resemble Adam Rickitt being anally raped by Ziggy Stardust.

2) The show needs the removal of the convoluted self-indulgence, silly comedy and easy resolutions and instead more serious drama, innovative characters and horror elements.

TRANSLATION: I want Ben Chatham watching as schoolgirls have their throats slit by yellow peril characters. I can't achieve orgasm otherwise, I really can't.

3) Doctor Who is incomprehemnsive to new or casual consumers and might as well be Sherlock for all that matters. Modern Sherlock is worse than Doctor Who for its trashing of a classic character who has been turned from a Victorian gentleman into some 21 century amoral character and Dr Watson into an overgrown boy.

TRANSLATION: Why won't Martin Freeman let anyone give him a bukkake facial? Is he Jewish or something?

4) No more Sontaran stories. Nuwho ones have ruined the concept. I hate to think what Robert Holmes would make their unwelcome camp comedy.


TRANSLATION: I haven't watched anything Sontaran-oriented bar "The Sontaran Experiment" and even during that I was massaging warm honey into the larger of my testicles during the torture scenes. Nothing in 21st century Who has done that for me. I just want to feel happy again. That's all.

5) No more dialogue being drowned out by Gold's hyped-up noise. They think that the kids only want loud noise, constant running around and shouty brief dialogue.

TRANSLATION: Rik Mayall said "the kids" a lot and was taken seriously. By scientific process, I should get a better reaction as well. I bet this will really boost my standing with punks and skins and rastas, for I am the People's Poster! The hero of a generation! Executive showrunners turn to me for inspiration! WATCH OUT, NORMAN TEBBIT!

6) Peter Capaldi must not simply ape Matt Smith's performance in every way shape and form

TRANSLATION: I bet he's straight like all the others. Fucking heterosexuals.

7) Bringing back K9 would be unoriginal. A talking space cat called Sebastian would be preferable.

TRANSLATION: My hovercraft is full of eels.

8) Moffat must be fired for what he did to Christopher Eccleston.

TRANSLATION: Why won't you fucking pay attention to me?!?!

Eccleston's demands to change the director halfway through production may have been rather cheeky however Moffat needed to balance this against the interest and appeal that would have been generated by having Eccleston back.
TRANSLATION: Tom Baker sucks. John Hurt sucks. David Tennant sucks.

Also the directors Moffat uses in are pretty useless so the episode would hardly have lost anything.

TRANSLATION: Remember Torchwood with all the naked men? I really liked that.

The directors create the visual look and style of episodes because they control how the script is filmed.


TRANSLATION: I checked the online dictionary and everything.

Which in the Moffat era seems to involve telling the actors to shout their dialogue while running around.

TRANSLATION: I wrote Adric come back as a psycho-sex-slave of Fu Manchu and then raped unconscious by Ben Chatham. How come I get away with that but Paul Margrs was nigh-on crucified? Why doesn't anyone care any more?

It would have been worth a bit of inconvenience to have had Eccleston in the episode.

TRANSLATION: As long as none of the inconvenience affected me personally, of course.

Moffat put his own ego first.

TRANSLATION: I wish I was Moffat. My ego always gets the back seat.

*tumbleweed rolls by*

TRANSLATION: When I'm dead, you'll all be sorry then, yeah, won't you?!

2 comments:

Ron Mallett said...

And not even Miles bothered to comment in this one. Sad.

Youth of Australia said...

Yes it is sad.

Everything I do is a waste of time. I deeply regret ever contradicting a superior individual like myself, and deserve to burn in hell for my arrogance. You're so right. As always. I am nothing in comparison.