The Christmas Invasion
What a stupid idea, introducing the new Doctor on Christmas day. No wonder no one liked him, being all suave and sophisticated and camp and gay, with his stupid little "regrow hand" trick which he never uses again and is just in it for some cheap Star Wars imagery. Note how it's the English who get the world into trouble? America didn't make Torchwood or send space probes or invent Cybermen, did it? No. That's the good thing about this Welsh show, they aren't afraid to make America look fricken awesome. Its the Master versus the President that makes things epic. No one cares when he kills English people, but when he attacks Bush and Obama, that's a cliffhanger moment. The English PM doesn't even get a death scene. America rules! USA-USA-STAND-UP-SIT-DOWN-FIGHT-FIGHT-FIGHT!
Never heard of it.
Tooth and Claw
Brilliant. Gothic. Hairy. Antimonochist. The Doctor stands up for American values, rejecting the English crown because they fear his innate strength and power, and exile him even though he'll just be the stronger for it and the English are left bitter. Bitter and twisted. You Limey Bastards.
Meh. Sarah Jane Smith. Again. Get over yourself. Anyone heard of Buffy? No? Then make yourself comfortable, this could take a while...
The Girl in the Fireplace
Arthur is a bit like Mr. Edd. Or K9. There's all sorts of companions who never made the grade. I think it would be better if Mickey and Rose died and Reinette and Arthur stayed in the TARDIS. That would be interesting. Clockwork robots? Wow, must have taken five minutes to think that one up.
Rise of the Cybermen
Yeah, the Borg-rip-offs are in da house! And this time, they're just Iron Man painted silver! And they get rid of Mickey. You might say they TAKE THE MICKEY! Mwahahahahahahahahaha! Ah, you Brits and your European sense of humor! This is actually another Big Finish only without that loser Davison in it. Much better.
The Idiot's Lantern
God, more of this stupid English stuff. Other things happened in the 1950s you know! This should have been set in Princess Diana's wedding like Ashes to Ashes did. That was by the guy who did Fear Her. Which is a bit similar to this. And to that ATA episode. Without the drawings eating people. Or the TV eating people. Maybe if there was a giant white clown stalking Rose, it might be interesting. Didn't Tom Baker dress up as a giant white clown at some point? I wonder what Tom Baker's doing nowadays? Oh, look, out of space.
The Satan Pit
SATAN IN SPACE! This isn't just strange, it's quirky. And it brings in the Ood. Because we don't have enough stupid-named aliens wandering about being stupid enough in Doctor Who. Why not have them as blacks if you want people to understand the metaphor? Of course, Bill and Ted fought the Devil. That was cool.
Love & Monsters
This was dismal. To say anything more would risk me killing you.
This story is stupid. Why don't they break the girl's arms to stop her drawing? Why's the mum such a useless bitch? She should stand up for herself instead of singing stupid songs. Yeah, I bet that stopped your husband smacking you - or maybe it encouraged him, coz you can't sing for shit. And those drawings are rubbish.
EXCELLENT! BODACIOUS! PARTY-TIME! Rose leaves in this. The Daleks and Cybermen fight. Man, this practically writes itself. I won't even talk about Torchwood, coz, hell, there's not much room here...
The Runaway Bride
RTD, are you on crack? Donna Noble as a companion? Where's the love interest?! The Doctor wouldn't shag Donna, so what's the bloody point of her?! And why hire someone with a dry sense of humor?
Smith & Jones
Ah. Martha J. Much better. She's significant. And black. But not just black. Coz that would be well racist. And she wants the Time Lord's salty goodness. It's so mature, it's no wonder she got into Torchwood. You wouldn't find that show of professional experts dealing with a thick bint like Donna, would you? Sexual ambiguity, people, that's where the money is. Oh, look. Space rhinos. How quaint. They're like Sontarans. Only not. Policemen are stupid. Anyway, moving on.
The Shakespeare Code
Ptfft. Like Shakespeare's so cool anyway. What's wrong with Mark Twain all of a sudden? He's way cooler.
Oh, what a tortured soul the Doctor is. How noble in reason, how like a god in however the rest of it goes, I think this is McBeth but I'm not sure. And the Macra come back. Just goes to show no matter what you do, people always prefer the Troughton era. Did that have a cat prank-calling geriatric lesbians in a traffic jam? And Being Human, let's talk about that for a while...
Evolution of the Daleks
Woo-hoo! Best story ever! Daleks with legs and Star Trek homilies! Everyone loves this story as the best ever! AND it's in America! AND it's a historical! AND it's a two-parter! There is nothing about this I do not like. Except, you know, getting rid of the new Daleks and keeping the old shithouse ones. Apart from that? Perfection, mofos! PERFECTION!
The Lazarus Experiment
Um... let's talk about how complex the season finale is. Mark Gattis > Pete Davison.
YOU DARE MENTION DOUGLAS ADAMS IN MY PRESENCE?!? NGEAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
*one eye explodes and blood spurts out of the socket for a long time*
What in the name of Greek buggery is this shit? The Doctor turns himself into an even bigger tool to hide from some scarecrows that can't actually kill anyone? He like meets Joan for five minutes and suddenly he's in love with her and wants to have babies! Randy little David Tennant, more like. Martha is too good for this crap.
Wow, follow scarecrows that can't hurt people with statues that can't hurt people. Or move. And can be defeated with a group hug. This story is so shit the Doctor and Martha try to avoid it. Carey Mulligan did nothing with her life after this story, but Lawrence appeared in Robin Hood. So. Yeah.
The Sound of the Drums
Longest story eva! An epic to rock the foundations of everything! Captain Jack is back! Yeah, he's gonna get some hot loving unlike that poofy wounded humanitarian Doctor who's such a prude. Even the Master thinks he's gay. And then he cries at the end - what a tosser! No wonder Martha dumps his bony ass. What a moron the Doctor is, not using his godlike powers to do more than cop a feel off his enemy. He's so complex and deep... the Master, I mean. You never got motivations like that in the old days. Imagine if Delgado went "My dear Doctor, I must kill you because I have a headache", the world would be a better place. RTD, the pervert, makes the Doctor gay for his own brother. Sick evil bastard. In a perfect world, we'd just watch Torchwood from now on.
Out of all the Doctors, they chose bland boy Davo. Give me fucking strength. They just did this to sell DVDs. Losers.
Voyage of the Damned
They changed the music! Stupid flat orchestral! Did Kylie Minogue write it or something. I hate that fucking bitch. I only watched this to see her die. I bet even her fans want her to die. They fucking applauded. I know I did. I want them all to die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Sorry, miles away. Enough of these pointless celebrity cameos. And isn't the music awful?
Partners in Time (sic)
This is some strange shit happening here, my man. Fat people shake their booty which turns into alien smurfs! What the fuck was RTD smoking! He gets Rose back for this episode... AND MAKES DONNA THE COMPANION! Is that SANE I ask you?!? He could have brought back Rose AND the Rani AND had chest bursters, but no. This is so infantile, what with infants everywhere. Sylvia's a total Mary Sue, calling Donna a stupid cow because the audience can't. She's a way better regular than Jacki.
The Fires of Pompeii
Yay! Another historical! You don't get many of them, do you? You know, this is totally inspired by the Brain of Morbius. Not because of the cults of wise women with psychic powers worshipping sacred flames that threaten to destroy them, but because Tom Baker mentioned Pompeii in that story. The Doctor should have stuck to his guns and let everyone die. Hartnell would have!
The Planet of the Ood
Ooh, ark at them! Western society is bad all of a sudden is it? Those tentacled freaks deserve whatever they get - they only get whipped or insulted when they're stupid. If they were smarter and nicer, they wouldn't be made slaves, would they? And then the Doctor lets them murder people because he's a fucking communist all of a sudden! Ohh, fry Sunali's brain, as long as you sing some fricken Enya afterwards and act all nice! At least psycho black bastard was HONEST!!!
The Sontaran Stratagem
This story explores the ethics of cloning. Rather like the next story. Lets talk about the next story, because it has a fit blonde with big tits in a tight T-shirt and a machine gun. This just has the wussy-wussy-woo-woo peacenik bum Doctor hate guns and hang out with nerds who never get any sex. Luke would be a better companion than Donna. A treefrog would be a better companion than Donna. Martha should have been in this story. If she wasn't, I don't know why. There's a lot of potential in that idea if you ask me. Let's talk about the next one...
The Doctor's Daughter
You know if this was like To The Devil, A Daughter, the Doctor would have got a demon to rape Donna, then tied her up till Jenny was born like a chest-burster, then raised Jenny and had her raped by another demon. Or something. Not entirely sure where I was going with that one. Very Hammer Horror. Plenty of Hammer movies had giant tropical fish with machine guns. Well, one. The one with Servalan as the snake lady who plays the sitar. Jenny's a bit like Servalan. She kills people, flaunts her hideous girly bits, steals things, makes witty bon mots and fakes her death. Blake's 7, eh? Not nearly as good as Space: 1999.
The Unicorn and the Wasp
Yay! Another historical! You don't get many of them, do you? Here's a list of all the historicals since RTD took over, that should pad out a few pages. They say it's a comedy, but whenever Donna makes a joke, the urge to kill rises. I can't believe RTD didn't sack her already. Surely no one could put up with her for this long?!
Silence in the Library
River Song is the Rani. Definitely. This is a fact. I mean, she disguised herself as Mel for crying out loud...
Woo-hoo! Donna ain't in this one! Pity it's just Lord of the Rings meets that Twilight Zone episode. Did I say Lord of the Rings? I meant Lord of the Flies. Definitely. Ahahahah. CAST LIST!
Davros returns like an outbreak of herpes in the longest story ever... well, since the last one anyway. And Cybermen are in it too! Somewhere! Don't ask for details. RTD totally loses the plot. He should have killed Donna and kept Rose. Or at least made the Handy Doctor the Valeyard in his own spin-off. Much better than some dross about Sarah Jane. Oh well, who cares? Just thank God Donna's gone. No one likes her. Or ever will. Clearly an epic failure or else RTD would have brought her back.
The Next Doctor
It's going all peculiar again! They should have got Paul McGann in this. It's just not funny otherwise. The title's a bit of a lie. Is Matt Smith in this? I'm confused. Seriously. The concept is totally over my head.
Planet of the Dead
This story does not exist.
The Waters of Mars
Nor does this one.
The End of Time
WTF?! Time Lords are evil? Thank god RTD's left coz he is totally losing his grip on reality! And then he kills off the Master too! What the hell? Moffat, bring him back, he's way cooler than this emo tosser David Tennant plays! Oh, and the Doctor dies coz of the Immortality Gate! Which is designed not to kill you! You know the definition of "irony", huh? Well, this is it, bitch, THIS IS IT!