Thursday, May 12, 2011

A Critical Analysis of... The Eleventh Doctor

The Eleventh Hour
Eww, the young teeny-demographic freak Matt Smith! Another Troughton copycat! *spit* That Scottish moron is trying to appeal to children! I refuse to watch a single episode, no matter how good the commoners insist it is - and to think the new showrunner can't even come up with new companions! All he's done is get Mickey and Rose both white and married and thinks we won't notice the difference!

The Beast Below
A sequel to The Ark in Space. With ventriloquist dummies of evil. And the Doctor trying to kill whales. You'd think the Rainbow Warrior had never happened! Too many women in this story - damn hetrosexuals...

Victory of the Daleks
Awesomeness squared! New Daleks! World War II! And stuff! You wouldn't see David Cameron ring the Doctor up because he's sent Cybermen into Afghanistan, would you?

Time of the Angels
Ooh, Weeping Angels come back! BIG originality there, Steve! Give em shit loads of new superpowers and then have the Doctor wait around until they stupidly get themselves killed. Yeah, really brave and clever. I bet Captain Kirk would have done it a lot better. Amy is a slut. In a red T-shirt. She deserves to die.

Vampires in Venice
This lacks the bite of previous seasons. Get it? Bite? Coz of vampires? Bite? Funny? No? Little bit? No? Nothing? Funny? No? Amy is a whore who deserves to be raped by a fish, which is why she joins that brothel. And it is a brothel. Oh yes. Don't say otherwise. It's clever to mock child abuse is it? That poor little vampire boy is clearly being sexually molested by his mother and Rory just makes fun of it! THE SICK BASTARD! Also, I would do Madame Calvieri like lightning through a wet dog.

Amy's Choice
Children of Earth was great, wasn't it? I like it because this totally does the same thing, except it's Rory not that Ian-whatever Welsh git who dies and Amy has abortion-by-campervan. And then they laugh about how they killed the baby! The Dream Lord calls them all arseholes. He'd be a much better Doctor. Remember the Valeyard? You wouldn't get him going on about "skullcaps are cool". This story is all about self-harm. So when Matt Smith and Moffat make this show crap, cut yourself to ease the pain. And then watch Space: 1999.

Cold Blood
Ah Pertwee. Silurians. Trite moralizing. Amy getting all upset. I like it when the miniskirted slut cries. Time-crack erasing Rory? The bitch was just on heat and totally forgot him. You know what I hate about this new series full of young people? None of them were in Space: 1999. Yeah, sure Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, but Space: 1999? When is BBC Wales going to wake up and get some quality in?!

Vincent and the Doctor
This episode does not exist. Hound down anyone who says otherwise.

The Lodger
Yay, the yoof demographic get a Doctor who plays football, cockblocks his roommate, sexually harrasses women while showing off his washboard abs and pretends to be a drug dealer! There is a TMNT action figure! FUCKING PRODUCT PLACEMENT! And then the apartment turns out to be a TARDIS. Show your working you dim bastards. And look - another crack. What a surprise.

The Big Bang
Oh wow. The Doctor gets the shit kicked out of him by the Daleks and his companions have to save the day. Rue britannia! Who is this River Song people keep mentioning, I never noticed her. What a stupid fucking story arc - they actually say "it's all a dream!" I bought a Lithuanian sex slave and ritualistically slaughtered her because this plot twist pissed me off so much. Ooh, the Doctor gatecrashes his redhead pal's wedding! Except this time the family are Scottish pricks! WHERE'S BERNARD CRIBBENS, PLOPPY-PANTS?!

Cancel this stupid show!!

5 comments:

Just Gavin said...

When are you going to do an analysis of the twelth Doctor? I found Ejiofor's performance to be lacking.

Youth of Australia said...

Don't ask me, ask John Kenneth Muir. I am merely translating his work into Modern English.

(However I suspect such a review would include "pandering to the ethnic demographic", "tokenistic portrayal", "he sucked in Children of Men", "technically, David Tennant was the tenth AND eleventh Doctor" and "why can't they bring back Space: 1999?")

Matthew Blanchette said...

I'm just feeling some sympathetic embarrassment over Karen Gillan's naked sojourn in a hotel hallway... :-S

Youth of Australia said...

...what in the name of Slitheen buggery are you talking about?!?

Matthew Blanchette said...

This in the name of Slitheen buggery is what I'm talking about: http://news.google.com/news/more?pz=1&cf=all&ned=us&cf=all&ncl=dz0pEhdh1WqAJmMe5_hAxMpKDShAM

Gonna make viewing The God Complex a whole lot different than the way it was intended... :-/