(The infamous "naked hide and seek" Janto scene from "Adrift")
ANNOUNCER: It's Torchwood Week here on BBC1, a whole seven days devoted to giving the increasingly unsuccessful Buffyverse plaigarism all the attention it deserves in the wake of the deaths of worthier entities like Michael Jackson, Mollie Sugden, Carl Mogan and Robin Hood.
(Cut to Kursty Wauk chatting with a guy who looks like Morpheus from The Matrix on the Newsnight set.)
ANNOUNCER: It kicks off on Monday with a Newsnight review that asks all the questions that need answering - like what the hell happened to Chris Chibnall to go from Cyberwoman to Adrift?
WAUK: That was absolute rubbish. Why didn't you write something half decent when it really mattered?
(Without saying a word, the Morpheus bloke floats into mid-air and drop-kicks Kursty, before floating away...)
ANNOUNCER: And on Tuesday, the nation rocks with mirth as comedy geniuses Nev Fountain and John Culshaw turn their satiric impersonations on the Cardiff Hub...
(Five figures stand outside an SUV in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason. None of them resemble the cast in any way bar John Culshaw, who wears a blue coat. He has a badge saying "Camp", Owen has a badge saying "Annoying", Ianto has a badge saying "Dull And Annoying", Gwen has a badge saying "Welsh" and Tosh has absolutely no badge or any proof she's not a non-speaking extra.)
OWEN: We've got alien readings coming in on this machine that I don't believe!
OWEN: Coz it's an Apple Mac with stickers on. There's an alien in the high street, it's shaped like a willy and it's humping the leg of that cardboard lady outside Sainsbury's.
GWEN: Fantastic! Sexy aliens! We do them! Let's go!
JACK: You don't know Torchwood, Gwen. We only do sexy aliens one of us has shagged sometime in the past.
IANTO: Hang on! Did you say "Penis-Shaped Alien"? Well, I've ad her! I chucked her last night for a robot with a dildo on it's head!
GWEN: Yay! Let's go!
JACK: Wait, wait, wait. You guys know the form. It's got to be Welsh. We do sex monsters one of us has had sex with so long as there's a suspicious trace of a Welsh accent.
OWEN: Hang on. Our Welsh Detector is picking up signs of taffiness - I'm getting ten "Look, you"s on the Boyo Scale.
OWEN: Yeah. And it's wearing high heels.
JACK: That is definitely Torchwood! Let's go, go, go!
IANTO: Yeah, Swansea High Street, ere we come!
EVERYONE EXCEPT TOSH: Swansea?
JACK: Yanto, this is Cardiff! (camply disgusted) We're like SO not going to Swansea!
ANNOUNCER: The Dead Ringer classics go on for hours! And on Wednesday, there's the start of the brand new five-hour-part miniseries... THE CHILDREN OF EARTH!!
(Peter Calpaldi is still in character from that Hollowmen crap he was in with Chris Langham.)
FROBISHER: My god. The 456 have returned! Worse, the budget's so low that the entire alien invasion of Earth is not only done entirely off screen and through stock footage, it consists solely of school children being sarcastic.
(Cut to sarcastic Welsh school children.)
TEACHER: Lunch time's over, you lot, so come on, get back to class.
CHILDREN: We. We are. We are coming.
TEACHER: Whatever. Honestly, you think you're the first hormonal brats to pull that trick?
(She drags them into class by their earlobes one by one.)
FROBISHER: We're in the middle of a massive conspiracy and thanks to the Daleks wiping out all the rival and more likable xenoresearch bureausm that means the only people who can stop us are Torchwood!
FROBISHER'S SECRETARY: But doesn't Torchwood consist of three emotional cripples hiding under a fountain?
FROBISHER: Yes. But they have a massive advantage over us: we're lumbered with Nicholas Briggs.
(A familiar bald figure dances in the background.)
NICHOLAS BRIGGS: HahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH! I... AM... CANON...
(Gwen does a homage to the Blair Witch Diary.)
GWEN: Well, the world's going to end. Definitely. Nothing after this. It all ends. Anything you've heard about the next series of Doctor Who having any stories set after this are lies. I used to wonder why RTD refused to tie up the storylines properly, but now I know why - he's turned away from us in shame.
RHYS: Just like Chris Chibnall, Freema Agyeman and Noel Clarke.
GWEN: Not now, love, I'm busy.
(A bloody, burnt skeleton starts to regenerate into John Barrowman.)
JACK: Hah! I'll be all right though, I'm in Tennant's last story in the Shadow Proclamaition cue! I fricken rock!
(The Hub is demolished because the BBC just can't afford it anymore.)
ANNOUNCER: And, on Thursday, the Spin Off The Government Banned: RTD's Rose Tyler, Earth Defender!
(Rose is talking with Mickey in Torchwood Tower.)
ROSE: It's the Barren Earth scenario, Mickey! Everyone's gone infertile! Humanity is doomed!
MICKEY: Probably because we're all turning bissexual.
(Mickey skips off, hand in hand, with Jake Simmonds.)
(A familiar face emerges from behind the desk Rose sits at.)
10.5: Seriously, I'm sure I'd be able to help out...
ROSE: Did I tell you to stop! A clue: NO!!
(She forces 10.5 under her desk again.)
ANNOUNCER: On Friday, the return of Top of the Pops specially hosted by the Torchwood posse!
(And so they are.)
JACK: And yes, John Barrowman's cover version of Eberneezer Goode is still at number one...
OWEN: Oh, this is fucking rigged! Who the fuck do you think you are?
(Owen draws a gun. Ianto dives in front of him.)
IANTO: No, I won't let you shoot him! Not again! Not like Lisa! OH, LISA, WHY? WHY? WHY?!
(Gwen hurls a chisel at Owen, but kills Ianto instead.)
GWEN: Ooops. Sorry. Say you forgive me, though. Go on. I NEED to hear you forgive me!
OWEN: Oh, see a dentist about your teeth, bitch!
(He shoots her. She catches it in her teeth, but drops dead anyway.)
JACK: You have disturbingly small genitals, you cunt.
(Owen shoots Jack dead. Martha hacks his head off with a Japanese samurai sword.)
MARTHA: That does it, I'm taking up law instead.
(She leaves. Tosh is left on her own.)
TOSH: Um. Well. And at number six, it's the Pipettes with the imaginatively-titled We Are The Pippettes.
(As the band starts playing, Tosh can be seen kicking the corpses.)
TOSH: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU ACT NORMAL FOR ONE NIGHT? JUST FOR ONE NIGHT! YOU JUST HAVE TO FUCKING HUMILIATE ME, DON'T YOU?! ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!
ANNOUNCER: And on Saturday, In Focus deals with RTD and his relationship with Torchwood. Is it pride? Respect? Nagging dissillusionment followed by oedopel rage?
(RTD and a presenter stand before a Torchwood playset full of action figures of Jack, Gwen, Blowfish, Cyberwoman... It is surrounded by electric heaters.)
RTD: I could probably go on and on for ages about my feelings, but I think this will sum it up pretty well.
(He switches on the heaters. All the action figures melt into goo. RTD cackles insanely.)
RTD: BURN! BURRRRRRRNNNN! I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AGAIN! BURRRRRRRRRRNNNN!!!
ANNOUNCER: The week is rounded off by Mick Molloy and Tony Martin, who brought you The Olden Days and Bargebase with their new spectacular Hit the Road Jack...
(We see some scenes from "A Day In The Death" redubbed.)
TONY: Sorry about this, Owen, but we're going to have to let you go.
MICK: What? Give me a break, Jack!
TONY: Sorry, Owen, but you're just too much of a whiney prick.
MICK: I'm not half as whiney as Ianto.
MICK: Never mind. But what am I supposed to do with my life?
TONY: You could always try... breaking a world record?
MICK: Yeah. Right. Sure. I'll just break the world record for holding my breath underwater, shall I?
(Cut to Owen running off a peir and diving into the water.)
MICK: (GARGLES) Just another... three... hours...
(Cut to Gwen and Owen making out on an autopsy table.)
ANNOUNCER: Torchwood Week on BBC1. More details can be found in The Radio Times somewhere between the Michael Jackson tributes and the set reports of Matt Smith fighting Sea Devils, just next to the gardening tips...