Thursday, April 3, 2008

Crow, Servo and Gypsy are on vacation...

Tangent: Earth III
by Ron Mallett
A: Earth III? I hope it's an improvement on the first two.
N: That's Ronnie's trouble. He knocks off an Earth in a hurry, decides its crap and starts again, but doesn't put in the effort. Six days for Earth was what God needed. Not six minutes in notepad!
D: ...Oh, my SKULL!!

"We've lost contact with UNIT HQ... in fact no communication equipment is working at all!" Archer reported to The Brigadier.
N: Even the semaphore? Flare guns? Smoke signals? Postal service? SMS?
A: Surely the second statement is more likely to be told to the commanding officer rather than the first?
N: Yep. You can't really lose contact with someone if you can't contact anything anyway.
A: Still, I'm sure the Brigadier will come up with some brilliantly logical course of action.

A: Why am I even wasting my time being disappointed?
N: The Brig would never swear. Besides, they're only a mile or so from UNIT HQ. With jeeps. OK, your radio doesn't work, you can still walk there for crying out loud.
N: You drank it, you deal with it.

We need to contact Geneva...
A: Yeah, that ALWAYS helps.
N: UNIT only ever needs Geneva if they're being blocked by some crooked company! Surely in this harsh reality, UNIT can do whatever the damn hell it thinks it needs to?

we could be facing a global invasion of these things...
N: Uh, random?
A: That's a bit alarmist, isn't it? They haven't met the Silurians before, they've no reason to know there is any more than a handful of Sea Devils.
N: And I note none of the humans have had race-memory panic attacks.
N: Apart from Dave.

our counterparts will need to be informed.
A: Show your working, dammit!
N: Anyway, in part one there was a global operation underway. OK, the rest of the world might not know about the lizards coming out of the sea, but they must be on some kind of alert?
A: Yeah, they should already be informed.
N: Unless the Brig is so senile he forgot.
A: Oh yeah. And who cares if this world ends, anyway?

We'll need a coordinated response
N: Response? To what?
A: They tried to take over a beach, you kicked their asses!
D: This makes my brain hurt EVEN MORE!

- this jamming can't be a coincidence.
A: "Oh, so it's jamming! I just thought the whole radio system was a piece of shit!"
N: "Archer, you have contravened the Official Secret Acts. Prepare to die!"
A: "Somebody, save me!"
N: "...Why?"
A: "Good point."
N: Bang!

Lets fall back to UNIT HQ. This has just been a distraction to split our forces. I have a bad feeling HQ has already been overrun."
D: You hear that? He has a bad feeling about this, Chewie.
A: "A bad feeling HQ has already been overrun"?!? The Brig doesn't talk like that! NOONE talks like that!
N: He says the whole thing is a diversion but he FEELS HQ has been attacked. That's not feeling, that's the first faint glimmerings of 3-dimensional thought!
A: And he has no proof of either!
N: Senile old geriatric. Someone get him a potty.

"Are you responsible for the transmission of the signal?" A Sea Devil asked Peri.
D: Huh?! What the...
N: Oh, remembered the cliffhanger, have we? Is Peri going to get ANY dialogue this week?
A: OK. We don't know why the Sea Devils think the signal came from the UNIT HQ, why they think anyone responsible would be there, and why they think whoever responsible hasn't already been killed. And out of all the people in the base, they choose as a suspect... Peri.
D: Well, she's not like the others.
A: Are you saying there are no women in UNIT?
D: Nuther dimension, remember...
D: Bad noise! Bad bad baaaaaaaad noise!!
N: Maybe they think she's really intelligent, since she seems to have spare brains on her chest.
A: Let's hope they don't meet Pamela Anderson.
N: Talk about blowing your mind... Oh yeah.

There were three of them now.
N: Three of what? Three Peris?
A: No, three brains. More titilation.
D: Heh.

Two of them were covering Peri and Zbrigniev, while the other was beginning the interrogation.
N: Wow. Her breasts really CAN multitask.
A: I knew they were impressive, but to smother two grown humans...
D: Maybe they get bigger when she's scared.
N: Maybe they get bigger when she's in completely retarded fan fics.
A: Wow. She should have burst out of UNIT HQ by now.
N: Give it time...

"What signal? I don't know what you are talking about," she stammered.
A: Sigh. You don't actually know what "stammered" means, do you, Mallet?
N: Jeez girl, why so scared. It hasn't tried to have sex with you yet.
D: A real difference between universe.

The senior Sea Devil wandered over to the radio.
N: "Oh hey. A radio. How lucky. I just happened to be passing."
A: He doesn't have a very big vocabulary, does he? "Wanders" but not "lumbers", or "moved"...
D: He still hasn't given the Sea Devil a name. Which could help.

"This equipment is technologically inadequate for the purpose. You are telling the truth," he hissed.
A: Jesus fucking Christ. Does Ron remember more than a sentence into the past? I mean, she just says she doesn't know what he's talking about! All he knows is that the equipment IN THAT ONE ROOM isn't up to it! She might be lying, and the clever stuff is in a cupboard!
N: If they traced the signal or something, surely they'd know how or where to look...
D: I give up.

"We suspect that there is a third presence on this planet... not one of our race or yours..."
N: Shouldn't that be a fourth presence?

"Well The Doctor..." Peri stopped herself mid-sentence.
N: Sweet Jesus, Peri. You didn't have to do that. You could have let them work it out.
A: If Peri was actually trying to help the Sea Devils, I might buy it. But she's being stupid. Completely stupid.
D: I want to suffer my hangover alone.
A: I think I want to suffer your hangover as well.

"A human called The Doctor was captured during the diversionary attack at the beach," one of the other Seas Devils informed the leader.
A: How does he know?!
N: Surely they can tell he isn't a human? Doesn't he smell different or something? Maybe the way he keeps shouting, "I am ALIEN!" could be a bit of a help?
D: Wait a minute. Forget the whole 'Sea Devils understanding English thing'... why don't they assume she's talking about someone else? I mean, even if "Doctor" was a name, she could be talking about a different guy.

"You are known to this Doctor?" The Sea Devil grabbed her arm.
A: Where are these leaps in logic coming from?!
D: Why does he assume only Peri can know the Doctor? Why not Zbrigniev? Or the other dudes they shoot?

Zbrigniev went to her aide but was shot by one of The Sea Devils before he could make contact with the offending reptile.
D: Case in point...
N: THAT is rubbish. Sea Devils never kill an unarmed opponent!
A: Especially as they must get the fact he doesn't want them to hurt the pretty girl with the big boobs!
D: "The offending reptile!" HAH! I mean, that's so mannered! "Delighted to meet you, dear boy, I was attacked by a particularly nasty Sea Devil tried to kill me, so I drop kicked the offending reptile and took him to the proper authorities...
A: You know, if he just gave the Sea Devils NAMES he wouldn't need crap like that.
N: And if he had a modicum of talent, we wouldn't need to review this!

"You will come with us. You may be able to help us to persuade this Doctor to cooperate."
N: And if she isn't, what then? Shouldn't you, you know, keep looking just in case someone else might be responsible?
A: Isn't that EXACTLY what happened in Reformation of the Daleks when the android Doctor kept Mel from getting involved in the plot?
N: Ron Mallett, ladies and gentlemen, the master of avoiding cliche.
D: We want our money back.

And with that, they dragged her away, leaving Zbrigniev's body to smoke on the floor.
N: Zbrigniev was a fifty-a-day man. Death couldn't stop him.
A: You realize we're supposed to be deeply upset that Zbrigniev is dead. Because, he's from Battlefield.
N: Where he died, I seem to recall?
D: Who cares anyway? It's not the REAL Zbrigniev. Just some retarded parrallel version who has no personality whatsoever. A crude Benton substitute. Let them all die.

The Master climbed out from under the jeep and pulled himself up onto his feet.
A: So... the Master crawled under a jeep. And no one saw him do that. Or looked under the jeep just in case.
D: What a let down. He didn't have some kind of personal cloaking device or a zapped TARDIS key or anything?
N: I doubt Ainley could have kept his dignity doing that. And Ainly wore fangs, howled at the moon, pretended to be a cat and kept his dignity.

He had watched The Sea Devils return to the ocean in some kind of capsule, taking The Doctor with them.
N: That bit makes no sense unless you've watched The Sea Devils. And that's assuming you can accept they had one of those diving bells specifically around just in case they needed a single prisoner. Why didn't we get to see it anyway? We just get a vague reference to it...
A: Why bother with detailed description when Offhand Secondary Narration can do it!
N: Offhand Secondary Narration - fewer words, less work, no sense!
A: As used by Ron "Already At The End Of The Road Of Insanity" Mallett!
D: "Thenk yew, Shitsoo Tewnker."

Aside from the dead - the beach seemed deserted.
A: You bastard Mallet! He was nearly dry! Are you trying to kill him?!
N: I can't believe the Master would break cover without being sure. Doesn't he have the Brig's binoculars?

He picked up one of The Sea Devil weapons from the corpse The Doctor had examined and placed it in his suit pocket.
A: Oh, smart move. Leave your weapons behind for the enemy to use!
N: I forget which type of Sea Devil this is supposed to be. If it's the Warrior type, that gun is a bulky teapot of a thing, and if it's Sea Devil type, it's still too wide to fit into a pocket.
D: Bigger on the inside pockets?
N: RTD did NOT write that so scum like Mallet can justify their poor work!
A: Mallet wouldn't agree with RTD anyway. He probably thinks RTD stole that idea off him.
D: Yeah. RTD's not brave enough to do the same relentless Pertwee fanwank that Mallet is! FEAR HIM!

Smiling darkly to himself he started the jeep and drove it up the road.
A: Nope. Not evil at all.

He noticed a soldier had been left to keep watch some distance down the road.
N: "Perkins, you shall stay here and defend us to the death."
A: "Why me, sir?"
N: "Because we all hate you, Perkins. We really, really hate you. When you die, I hope it hurts."

He pulled over. The soldier obviously knew him.
A: Obviously. Don't say why or anything.
N: It's like Ronnie is just narrating something he's seeing on TV. Badly.
D: What do you call going BEYOND the third person to the point this looks like someone narrating stuff they saw on a TV?
N: Uh... the Pip and Jane Baker person?
D: Yeah, well, if you did that to a completely shithouse idea by a person with no concept of plot and then got a retarded gibbon with no hands to type it up on a broken typewriter, then set fire to it... it would be better than this.
N: Word.

"Are you alright Sir?"
"Yes, I just recovered.

A: Recovered? From what? Hiding under a jeep and quivering like a baby man?
D: Maybe he pretends to have epileptic fits in order to hide his incredibly suspicious behavior.
N: Or the author is a freaking moron?

Has The Brigadier returned to HQ?"
N: "How should I know, blood? Like, you know, whatever! I'm not my brother's beeper, man!"

"Yes Sir. My job is to make sure that The Brig knows if those Sea Devils return. I'll need the jeep though Sir. There's a communication black-out of some kind you see and I've got instructions to return to HQ if there are any sign of another wave of them," the young private reported.
A: Well... quite. Thanks for explaining that, young private. In an incredibly forced and unlikely manner.
And thanks for not asking what the hell the scientific advisor was doing hiding under a jeep.
N: Is this Private Mellor from Ressurection of the Daleks?
D: Who cares? He's dead anyway.

"I understand completely but The Brigadier will require my skills to combat these creatures," The Master insisted.
A: "Coz, you know, I'm the scientific advisor!"
N: "Fuck me, so you are!"
D: "Let us laugh merrily at this incident."
All: "Ahahahahahaaahahahah."

"I'm sorry Sir, but The Brigadier's orders were very clear."
A: "All right, Private, stay here and guard the beach and, even though all those damned lizards are dead, don't go up to the working jeep. Wait until the Master gets his pinko ass out from under it, drives over to you and tries to get past you on the patently logical justification that he might be more useful than you. When he does that, totally block his access, explain this entire conversation, and look surprised when he kills you."
D: Wow. Those orders really WERE very clear.
N: Senile dementia. It comes and goes.

"Of course. I'll wait here with you then," The Master replied.
A: Not suspicious at all.
D: Why doesn't the Master walk back? It can't be THAT difficult, can he.

As he moved to get out of the jeep and in one swift motion pulled out the Sea Devil gun and fired at the private. The Private staggered back and rolled down a bank.
N: "MOTHERFUCKER!" he screamed at the Master as his intestines spilled out from his stomach.
D: If wants to keep the jeep SO bad, and he doesn't care about leaving the soldier alive, why didn't he just run the soldier down? Why wait for the banter?

"Cretin." The Master whispered as he started the jeep up again and drove on his way.
N: The Master is played by Kate O'Mara with a nose stud.
A: Um... how is he a cretin for assuming the guy that has worked with UNIT for years without turning against them and shooting people WON'T shoot him to keep a jeep? Seems rather trusting, but hardly stupid.
D: They're all stupid. Trusting a black-clad bearded man called the Master. Does he SOUND trustworthy?

The Sea Devils were exiting HQ when the reorganised UNIT troops ambushed them.
A: Cause the Sea Devils wouldn't have bothered to post guards or even look for approaching attackers.
D: "UNIT ambushed them". You cut to the chase, don't you, Ronnie?
A: Look on the bright side, we can pretend it's an interesting and entertaining scene.

When it was clear they were escorting a female human prisoner, The Brigadier called for them to cease fire.
D: Oh, for fuck's sake...
A: Give me strength. The big tough Brig in a harder, nastier universe can't risk the life of a little girl.
N: The REAL Brig would have tried a different approach - he wouldn't have fired until he knew for sure there WEREN'T hostages, what the Sea Devils were up to, how much of the base was in enemy hands.
A: It's almost like Mallet's NEVER seen a genuine Pertwee episode but writing from a crude program guide in an attempt to appeal to those who DON'T mindlessly orgasm at the sight of Season 22.
D: If only there were some sort of pattern.

"What do you think Sir?" Archer asked.
"We can't risk firing. We might hit Miss Brown," he admitted.

A: He admitted... so UNIT troops are completely useless shots. Is that a difference to our universe or a similarity?
D: Isn't he worried the lizards might kill her?
A: Why is he so worried about one civilian when he thinks the whole world is in danger?
D: "Huh? World in danger? Sorry. Check out the hot college girl."
N: "The story's so awful her bazoonga's are the size of weather balloons!"

The Brigadier made some hand signals to a nearby squad of men.
D: Who made some hand signals back.
N: VULGAR hand signals.
A: "Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, 2 3, we all know where you've been you military fairy... oooh!"

They proceeded to assemble a sophisticated type of mortar.
A: I don't want to know what sort of hand gesture is for that.
N: How long would that take? Five minutes? Why haven't the Sea Devils already escaped?
D: Maybe they're slow and dehydrated?
N: Maybe, but I doubt UNIT are smart enough to notice.
A: So, the plan is that rather than risk shooting Peri, they'll blow up the lot of them. Good plan.

The shell it fired exploded a couple of metres from the Sea Devils and the entire group collapsed, clutching their throats.
N: Hexachromite! Just in case something vaguely original was trying to sneak in.

Including Peri.
A: I knew she was a bit fishy.
D: So... it's not hexachromite?
N: I still don't see why they just didn't shoot the lot of them instead of wasting time with motor shells when they have the EXACT SAME EFFECT?

The Sea Devils who had captured The Doctor had proceeded to steal some jeeps and were now making their way inland.
Can I just say, "Huh"? The Master just said they put him in one of their diving bells! And that was internal narration, so he
That's COMPLETELY not what is happening here! Did Mallett forget what he wrote?
Lucky him.
Where did the Sea Devils steal the jeeps from? Why didn't they steal the jeep the Master was hiding under?
I'm sorry, Sea Devils don't have any kind of land transport? And why head inland when the Triad need to see the dude who sent the signal? If the Triad are on land, why not send someone to meet them?!

The Doctor was seemingly cat-napping
A: Dave, it's not worth it!
D: IT MUST BE!!! He's NAPPING FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Not even LOOKING where they're taking him!! AND HE'S CAT-NAPPING! CAT REFERENCES! I... Andrew! You drank it all.
A: Yesh. Yesh I did. I did that thing that you did just mention. Oh, consciousness, you fleeting spectre... ugh...
N: Well. Just you and me now, David.

as they pulled up near the entrance to some inland caves.
N: So, UNIT HQ happens to be just off the beach and near a cave system, both of which where Eocene colonies are established. Can you say "plot contrivance", boys and girls?
D: How about "complete lack of geographic knowledge" since this is central London?

Dragging The Doctor from the jeep they made their way inside the entrance to the largest cave and vanished inside.
D: Dragging? I thought he was voluntarily with them?

The Master pulled up in his jeep near a storage shed at the outer limits of the UNIT compound.
N: Luckily, no one noticed him since they were all too busy gassing defenceless Eocenes and sorority girls.
D: So the Master's evil plan... needs a jeep. To get to a shed. Because he couldn't just walk there.

He chuckled darkly to himself
N: I can't really critique Ronnie here, since it's like the insane giggling from Logopolis.
D: I can. Different universe, dumbo! Chance to break free from constraints of the TV canon. Does it happen?
A: Dosh it bolluxs!

as he undid the padlock and entered.
N: No wonder he's chuckling. Only a criminal mastermind could ever UNDO a padlock!
D: So he had the keys to the shed. He has the keys to the shed he could just walk to, but he waits for a passing alien invasion and only then when he can steal a jeep and kill a man before he actually GOES to the shed.

A plethora of alien technology littered the little laboratory
N: Try saying THAT with when you're drunk!
D: Why the hell is a laboratory in a shed? Doesn't UNIT have its own labs? And if the Master is using it as a secret base... why didn't anyone notice? The Brig doesn't trust him, there are security cameras everywhere... well, there should be... and the Master is able to set up shop in a shed, a fucking SHED, and no one noticed!
N: Not even senility can explain that one. Even if the Master is senile as well.

but the most completed artefact rested on a table in the middle of the hut.
D: So... the plethora of alien technology is INCOMPLETE.
N: "Damn RTD! He stole the entire concept for Torchwood from ONE sentence I wrote! Damn him all the way to hell!"

It was effectively a jumble of various components soldered together on a large circuit board.
D: Effectively... he wants to say "seems" he really does.
N: I can't believe the Master would be so slapdash. The guy's an anal retentive control freak, that thing would look so professional he could have bought it at a shop!

The Master sat down and began to activate the device.
D: 'Began to activate'? No, you can activate or you can deactivate. There's no halfway.
N: Yeah. Like 'beginning to be dead' or 'beginning to be pregnant' or 'beginning to lack any storytelling qualities in every way imaginable'. Last one ringing any bells, Mallett?

"Are they dead Archer?"
D: "If not, shoot them again! Use more arrows! What sort of archer are you?"
N: Wait. The Brig had them use a motor full of gas against intruders with a hostage... and he didn't know if they would survive? This HAS to be stupider than just shooting them all!

The Colonel shook his head: "I think we ought to have The Master look them over Brigadier.
D: And get him to check out my inverted commas. The second lot have vanished again.
N: Sure - let's get our untrustworthy sinister advisor who lead us all into a massacre to check them over, the same one that, you know HAS COMPLETELY VANISHED!
D: Maybe they saw the Master go the shed after all? Maybe they pretend not to notice him prancing in secure areas, giggling to himself and rubbing his hands with evil glee? Maybe they don't think he's a threat, just... heart-breakingly pathetic.
N: You know, that actually makes complete sense.

Peri had recovered quickly and was coughing with her head between her legs.
N: How's the view, Peri?
D: So her breasts have deflated? Doesn't that mean the story is better?
N: Nah, allergic reaction. Still, I'd hate for Mallett to judge my health. "He's recovered quickly, and is bleeding buckets from that wound in his throat."

Sergeant Calder had been found knocked unconscious in UNIT HQ and walked up briskly to The Brigadier.
D: He can do that unconscious?
N: Oh, why did the Sea Devils spare him but not Zbrigniev?
D: I'll tell you why: the author was sick of trying to spell his name, that's why.

"Well Calder - what have you got to say for yourself?"
D: "Uh, a giant lizard punched my lights out. What have YOU got to say for yourself with half your platoon dead and gassing people you wanted to stay alive!"
N: "You're not my real father! I hate you!"

"It was a well executed raid Sir...
N: What's more scary - the fact the Brig needed be TOLD this blindingly obvious bit of information, or the fact they expect a detailed report from someone who was UNCONSCIOUS through the whole damn thing?

they seemed to have been very familiar with the layout of HQ," Calder explained.
N: How exactly did the Sea Devils manage that? They weren't given a map, were they? They didn't even know that the signal came from here? And there must have been a bit of culture shock what with sixty five million years of continental drift... like that Red Indian weeping, only if he was a giant sometimes-orange-sometimes-green turtle in a string vest.
D: "Man, this used to be make-out point!"
N: "I guess it was stupid to expect my car to still be here... I still miss it though."
D: "This used to be a great place for a picnic, you ape primative scum! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

"Yes, the attack on the beach was basically a diversionary tactic so they could storm this base... but why?" The Brigadier pondered.
N: OK, shoot me down in flames, but could they, bear with me here, could they... have wanted... something... from the base... itself?
D: WHOA! WHOA! Don't go there, man!
N: Man, I AM there!

"Is The Doctor alright?" Peri stammered
D: That is pissing me off.
N: Let's pretend he said "spluttered" instead.

struggling to her feet. Calder helped to steady her.
N: Cause those breasts aren't small enough to act a gyroscope.

"I'm afraid he's been taken prisoner by those reptiles Miss Brown.
N: Oh, stopped calling them Sea Devils, eh, Alistair?
N: And the Brig isn't at all paranoid about the idea that the Doctor was only captured because he rushed behind the enemy and started trying to save their injured, those who spilled clean, bright, UN blood!

Time for you to come clean I think... what is this connection between The Master and The Doctor?"
D: "Apart from their ridiculous names and the fact they seem to know each other and all the other info I learned while standing right outside the cell door evesdropping in the most obvious way possible?"
N: Obviously the Brig forgot all that. Senility, you know.

"That would be a little hard to explain..." Peri began.
"Well you'd better try!

D: Ooh, you could fry an egg on sizzling backtalk like that!
N: Chris Boucher eat dirt! The Mallet is here with all the subtlety his name implyeth!

One of my men was killed in the raid and numerous others were killed at the beach.
D: "Numerous others?" Yeah, that's going to make her feel sorry for you when you can't even REMEMBER the number! And if you assholes hadn't attacked the ones on the beach, there wouldn't have been any carnage!
N: So the Sea Devils only killed on person. Zbrigniev. Yeah, you're right, he was just sick of typing that out. But too stupid to go back and change the name to something easier...

I think that there must be some connection between The Master and The Doctor..." The Brigadier reprimanded her.
D: Reprimand? By telling her what he THINKS?
N: He was listenting to them, he must know they're both aliens! Why is he trying to bully her into telling him things he already knows?
D: I'm sick of this. Peri, strangle him!

He moved closer and continued in a whisper: "I know that The Master is not human. I suspect The Doctor is one of his own race and known to him...
D: Uh... DUH!
N: Even if you didn't listen at the door, the Master says, "this guy is with me, he can help!"

in the last few years I've become accustomed to the existence of alien life forms. They seem to be littered throughout our galaxy and very interested in our little planet.
D: "Last few years"? You mean you spent the first ten in a state of denial?
N: "littered and little"... give me strength... I can't believe that without the Doctor, UNIT managed to hush up all the alien invasions and stuff. And after years fighting aliens, he still has no idea why they turn up?!

Now why did they want you?"
N: Brigadier, LOOK at her! Why do you THINK they'd want her!

"They thought I might be able to persuade The Doctor to talk to them..."
Peri was interrupted by Colonel Archer who rushed over nearly breathless.
D: Nearly. But not quite.
N: Lucky how he only interrupts after Peri has finished.

"Our satellite network followed the captured jeeps.
N: How are they managing to do that when all your communications are jammed?
D: How do you even know this, Archer?

Those reptiles were seen entering one of the caves a few miles inland," he reported.
D: So the Eocenes don't care everyone now knows where their base is... despite the whole, war-with-much-better-equipped-enemies.
N: Why in the name of all that is holy is everyone so utterly stupid in this story?!

"Perhaps the attack had a double purpose.
It did, you retard! It lured you away from the base so the Devils could steal your women and your livestock!
"OK, maybe it had a TRIPLE purpose!"

It helped to split our forces and then enabled them an opportunity to reach some inland headquarters!"
D: Why would a bunch of sea creatures have an inland base? The Brig doesn't know about the Silurians or Sea Devils, so that logic is spurious at best.
N: If the Sea Devils were trying to get to their base and used the beach as a diversion, why did they also attack UNIT HQ instead of simply legging it to the caves? Couldn't the Silurians use their third eyes to burrow a tunnel under the ocean? This is... BALLS!

The Brigadier muttered as he put the pieces together.
N: This Brig couldn't put a two-piece jigsaw together, let alone this elephant flatulence of a plot...

"Will I organise a strike force then?" Colonel Archer asked.
D: A strike force on what? Some caves?
N: How are you going to organize a strike force when you can't communicate with anything?
D: Shouldn't you discuss this with your scientific advisor?

The Brigadier looked at Peri and nodded.
N: "Sorry, Archer, I just needed to steal myself by checking out Peri's tits. They've grown larger since I started making spurious expository decisions."
D: Is that look supposed to be asking Peri for her acknowledgement? Since, you know, blowing up the caves would mean killing the Doctor?
N: I still don't understand how they know all this in the first place. I bet Mallet's family motto is "we didn't think this through".
A: Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu betcha.

The Doctor was brought before the triad.
D: Why waste any details on what anything looked, sounded, smelt like or felt about this?
N: "I don't got time for dat shit! Cut to the chase!"
D: Anyone who doesn't instantly remember who has captured the Doctor or who the Triad are can do fuck themselves. So speaketh the author! So mote it be!

"You are not responsible for the transmissions?" Tobok asked.
D: Well, that's a simply-phrased question. Why not simply ask "Are you responsible?" and work it from there.

The Doctor shook his head and answered:
N: Shouldn't he get a thump for that or something? Silurians shake their heads when they attack people with their third eye...
D: Maybe they noticed he didn't have a third eye?
N: That suggests they are perceptive. This story does not.

"I'm afraid not. My name is The Doctor!"
N: No no no no NO NO NO NO NO!
D: He says, "I'm known as the Doctor!" It's COLIN BAKER! HOW CAN YOU GET HIM SO WRONG!!

"Our sensors detect that he is not human!" Jutzhar announced.
N: Did anyone ask you? Such chutzpah, Jutzhar!
D: You've never met humans before. Why are you shocked? You know there is some other group on Earth because they told you not to trust the humans, so...
N: This triad is retarded. There isn't a single thing they've done that hasn't been moronic, from trusting an anonymous message to pointlessly trying to start a war with humanity...

"No actually I'm not - thank you for being so observant.
D: "It makes such a change from being brain dead like absolutely everything else in this story."

Have the transmissions started up again then have they?" The Doctor responded with interest, very quickly catching on.
D: "Have they started up again then have they?" Mallet forgets what he's writing in the middle of a sentence!
N: Why does the Doctor ask if the transmission have started up rather than, "What transmissions?" "What do they say?" "Where do they come from?" "Why did you think I sent them?"
D: He might be 'very quickly catching on'. But no one else does. Because you're shithouse Mallett.

Myrak stepped forward: "We have lost contact with the second contingent of Sea Devils.
D: Who were they? The ones that got gassed with Peri?
N: Wait a minute... Myrak is an anagram of Mykar! You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

Is it possible that The Sea Devils were mistaken in bringing this being to us?"
N: Well, they brought him there because he knew about Sea Devils and tried to help the wounded. Didn't this get established at some point? Do the Triad just assume sending out Sea Devils with no information automatically means they'll find the right person in less than an hour?
D: Why does team two not calling in mean team one is mistaken?

"Not at all - he is not human and must be able to provide us with valuable information," Tobok insisted.
A: Show. Your. Working.
D: If he's not human, he might not know of anything about humans. Besides, if you can access their media and affect their communications... why do you NEED info?

The Sea Devil strode up to Tobok: "This being spoke of our civilisation."
"Who or what are you?"
N: "I'm a Sea Devil, you retard."
D: I think he was talking to the Doctor.
N: "I said I'm the Doctor, I'm not human and I didn't send the transmission. Are you deaf as well as stupid?!"

"I'm a traveller. I take it I'm addressing the Silurian Triad. I am honoured Sir," The Doctor bowed.
D: Crawler.
N: Pathetic. I can't believe ANYONE could like this guy. He's the Third Doctor with the charm drained out.

The Silurians exchanged glances that probably passed for Silurian expressions of bewilderment.
D: ...Ok, that's it. I give up. You're on your own.
N: DAVE! Get back here you scab! You unionist! It's people like you that caused the wharfie dispute, you know that, don't you? I bet you'd have loved that sentence if you had something to drink!

"We have just received a message explaining that you are an agent of the human military," Jutzhar offered.
N: Chutzpah! Do you do anything bar offer gratuitous exposition? And why the hell are they trusting the word of an anonymous tipster than a man Sea Devils saw trying to help them?, this is dull on my own.

"I suspected that might be so.
N: Another reason I'd had to talk to Ron "Realistic Dialogue" Mallet. And why is the Doctor so sure someone's trying to frame him?

Listen to me, I serve no person or nation. I'm an outsider. I would make the ideal intermediary between your two peoples!
N: Oooh-hoo, if you DO say so yourself! Just shoot him! He looks like an ape, doesn't he? Hardly ideal.

We could avoid much bloodshed." The Doctor pleaded.
"Perhaps you speak the truth!" Tobok replied.

"Then again... perhaps you don't!" Hahahah!

"Both your races have much to offer each other!"
N: Liiiiiiiiike? Ronny, baby, try and justify the bollocks you're bluffing from previous Pertwee stories!

"The humans are primitives," Myrak interjected, "their signals are full of their conflicts."
N: Oh, sod off! They beat the snot out of your soldiers, they outnumber you million to one and, oh yeah, they're not lead by three morons who start genocide on some random SMSes!

"Don't you see they are war-like.
N: Yes, Doctor. That was what he was saying. You idiot.

You must find some way to make peace with them or they will destroy you and perhaps themselves in the process!" The Doctor insisted.
N: Oh, well, that's bound to appeal to their compassion, isn't it? "I will murder you, but I might kill myself in the process! Let's be friends instead!" Get real! GET - REAL!
A: Mr "ideal intermediary" isn't letting them get a word in edgeways.
N: Andrew! You live!
A: It takes more than a whole bottle of bath-sterilizer to get the best of MY kidneys.

"Did you send the signal that revived us from our hibernation?" Tobok asked.
N: NO! Jesus, how many times do you have to be told?
A: Be fair, Nige. The Doctor denied sending the anonymous messages. Clearly Tobok is so stupid he now assumes that the person that revived them and the person sending them messages are two different people.

"I suspect I know who did. Another member of my own race who has been exiled here.
N: Oh, blame the Master why don't you? Talk about pre-judging people.
A: He's also basically said he's family with the guy dicking them around. He's asking to be tortured.

Before your attack, the humans had no idea that you existed," The Doctor explained.
A: Apart from the whole race memory business, but the author had forgotten that.
N: Shouldn't the Triad remember that from the lack of Silurian cameos on Family Ties?

In a split second The Doctor found himself in a bright light that seemed to cause him great pain.
A: Seemed. Where's Dave?
N: In his room.
D: Oh. Why are they torturing him? He hasn't been uncooperative, he's offered to work for them...

It was Tobok who was causing it. The light seemed to be generated by the eye like organ that sat on the head of the reptile.
A: Seemed. This is also the first time we're told about the third eye business. Before that they were fish...
N: How many fish have three eyes?
A: Angler fish.
N: ...You shut up. You shut up now.

Tobok stopped when The Doctor fell on his knees.
A: For the bright light was reflecting off the coat, and killing them all softly!
N: He's wearing Davo's outfit.
A: Well, that would reflect even brighter, wouldn't it?

"He is speaking the truth," Tobok concluded simply.
How did he tell that? I thought it was the Sea Devils who were telepathic?
In any case, why does Tobok assume his psy-power works on aliens?
The Doctor was just faking for a laugh?

"You must trust me..." The Doctor whispered, looking directly into Tobok's eyes.
N: All three of them? Eww!
The Doctor has given them no reason WHY they should trust him.

The Master sat in his storage shed, as he waited impatiently for a reply.
Twiddling his thumbs, passing the time as he enjoyed the drums in his head.

"I fear you have been too persuasive Doctor.
A: Do you? Do you, darling? That is so interesting!
N: Why is the Master talking to himself?
A: So. The Master is the one that woke them up but we don't know why or how. Even if he is, as appears, trying to start a fight between the Humans and the Eocenes, he started it before he knew the Doctor had arrived, and thus was going to start a war on the planet he was trapped on with no way off. And then he acts incredibly suspicious and randomly killing troopers...
N: And how does his thingamajig work if all communications are jammed?

Very well... perhaps it is time to awaken another of this planet's terrible secrets!"
N: Perhaps.
A: Perhaps.
N: Perhaps. Doo-doodle-do-doodle-do-doo!
A: Hah!
N: I hope the Brigadier isn't listening outside the door. That might screw the Master royally, if the Brig had any kind of long term memory.

He muttered as he stoked his beard. He started to adjust his transmitter.
N: "Beard-stroking"? The Master never did that. Why not twirl your fucking moustache while you're at it!

Jutzhar looked up from his monitor: "Tobok, another signal! This time it is on the frequency of the enemy!"
N: Ooh. Cryptic chutzpah.
A: Jutzhar... zharjut... Sergeant? I think I worked out where Ronny's getting his name.
N: And Myrak is Mykar, so what is Tobok?
A: Tobok? Bookt? Booked? Sergeant, Booked and Myrker. Attornies at law.

"I care not for the petty conflicts between the higher mammals of this planet...
A: Of which there are one. Humans. You halfwit.
N: Not only do humans not talk like that, niether do Silurians! Mallet can't even write for prehistoric reptiles!

I asked you to monitor for news on the missing Sea Devils," Tobok replied.
N: "Oh yes, so you did! My bad!"
A: "I thought you asked me to just sit here and relay stuff from the computer!"
N: "Like Sygourney Weaver in Galaxy Quest."

"No Tobok... I mean the enemy."
A: With emphasis. Yet they don't get a pointless capitalized letter.
N: Don't tell me the Enemy from the BBC Books is turning up...

"You can't possibly mean... surely he wouldn't..."
A: He couldn't!
N: He shouldn't!
A: He mustn't!
N: Who are we talking about again?

Myrak cried.
N: Hah! WIMP!
A: I hate seeing a grown cave monster crying from three eyes.

"What is wrong?" The Doctor asked before he read a decoded version of the signal on one of the overhead monitors.
A: Well. That'll teach him asking a redundant question.
N: Yeah. All things come to those who wait.

"Three higher reptilian species evolved on this planet Doctor. One was a land based organism, one other was a sea based organism and the third species were..."
N: Ok. To stop me going insane with a shotgun, I'm going to assume this incredibly retarded idea of evolution is entirely down to different universes.
A: But both Silurians and Sea Devils are amphibious! When they hibernated, it was both underground. It's not worth slicing them up like that...

"Sky-Dragons!" The Doctor gasped.
N: ...what?
A: So, not only does the Doctor know about them, they have a retarded name like that. I mean, hell, the Sea Devils are just turtle people soldiers! That's not their species name, goddamn!
N: Niether's Silurian.
A: Well, I can explain Silurian, I can't explain Sky-Dragons. Should they be evolved from pterodactyls rather than dragons?
N: I bet Peri's in the Double-F range by now...

"You know?" Tobok questioned.
N: Or, to put it another way, asked.
A: Tobok must be really pissed off that the Doctor ruined his enigmatic build up.

The Doctor's mouth went dry and he simply nodded. The Master was insane!
A: Well... yeah. Where have you been all night?
N: What kind of a stupid cliffhanger is that? Ooh, the Master's EVIL! And, by the way, an alien menace ripped out of some passer-by's rectum.
A: At least skyborne monsters didn't appear in Season 21.
N: Apart from the threat of the meteors in Frontios. Or the dragon monsters in Caves of Androzani. Or Sentinel Six in Warriors of the Deep...
A: You know, I think Dave had the right idea.

- to be continued...


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

Oh, fuck me. I'm home with some terrible bug that's making me hack up my own lungs, but this made me feel alright while waiting for my next dose of sweet cough syrup.

I laughed more at this than any of the others. I think the hysterical badness of the story itself cannot be discounted, but the comments have had me pissing myself (and barely able to breath as well, of course)

The lines from the YOA, though, always slip from my mind and don't work out of context. So here I give you the most brilliant passages of prose from the actual story:

The Silurians exchanged glances that probably passed for Silurian expressions of bewilderment.
The light seemed to be generated by the eye like organ that sat on the head of the reptile.

"Three higher reptilian species evolved on this planet Doctor. One was a land based organism, one other was a sea based organism and the third species were..."
"Sky-Dragons!" The Doctor gasped.

"eye like organ", oh Christ that got me going...

Youth of Australia said...

Glad you enjoyed it man. I have to admit Dave's reaction to the "Silurian bewilderment" echoed my own, as was my disbelief to the gigantic plot holes - like the Doctor being sucked down into the ocean one scene and actually in a jeep the next...

I'm feeling pretty sick too, but your tapes are cheering me up. I've finally seen an episode of The New Statesman. Very short...