Tuesday, April 15, 2008

At last...

Eve: So, let me get this straight. You're reading a short story you KNOW is awful so you can shout out abuse at the awful bits. And it's so awful Dave refuses to participate.
Nigel: In a nutshell.
Eve: And this is the last part of it.
Andrew: Yes.
Eve: So... what happened in the others?
Andrew: Well, the TARDIS arrives in a parrallel universe absolutely identical to the one he just left except the Master is UNIT's scientific advisor, and he's reviving the Silurians and the Sea Devils for strange reasons as yet unknown. Then the Doctor gets captured by the incredibly stupid Silurians when they find out the Master is reviving some dragon monsters and everyone panics. Any questions?
Eve: Yeah. Is this Eccleston or Tennant?
Nigel: Uh, Baker. Colin Baker?
Eve: Who?
Andrew: Ooooooooh, boy...

Tanget: Earth IV
by Ron Mallett
N: Four Earths and he still can't get it right!
E: It's a pretty dull name. I mean, alternate Earth is the plot. It's not very exciting, or interesting.
A: Yeah, but Mallett has issues about titles that do what they say on the tin.
E: You mean he hates them?
A: No, he hates any title that isn't instantly appropriate and understandable.
E: What a jerk.
N: Such judgement in one so young.

"It may now be necessary to form an alliance with the humans Tobok - for the sake of our mutual survival," Myrak suggested.
A: A bit late in the day, but finally something reasonable is proposed.
N: "May" be necessary? Um, what exactly is your plan if it isn't? And you wanted to nuke humanity five minutes ago!
E: Maybe they're all crazy because they've been frozen for so long?
N: Maybe Mallett was put in cryo-sleep when he was younger?

The Brigadier was inspecting his troops for the forthcoming raid
N: Raid? I thought this was a nuclear attack on some caves!
A: Obviously sending in men with ineffective weaponry and no idea what they're facing the first time didn't work, so UNIT does it all over again and again.
E: Well that's stupid.

when he noticed some small spots appearing on the horizon.
A: "Oh look, some small spots appearing on the horizon."
N: "Damn cataracts! Shoulda retired years ago!"
E: Why did only he notice them? Was everyone else facing the wrong direction?
A: Well, they WERE on parade, so they'd all be facing the Brigadier. Though why they'd happen to be doing parade on the opposite side of the base to when they were leaving, I'm not sure.

"What the hell is that?" He asked Calder.
N: The Brig doesn't talk like that!
E: Even if he did, why is he asking a soldier looking in the wrong direction?
N: Why does he assume Calder of all people would notice?
A: Why didn't he ask Archer?
E: Why are we reading this again?
N: That's dangerous talk, Eve.

Both of them raised their binoculars to inspect the closing aircraft.
E: So, if it was an aircraft, why didn't know what they were? Don't they have planes in this universe?
A: That'd be an interesting idea.
E: Oh. Thanks!

What they saw made Calder drop his lenses.
E: Well, he shouldn't have been holding his lenses if he was using binoculars as well! No wonder he dropped them!
A: Calder doesn't strike me as an easily shocked type. Especially since the base has just been raided by giant sea turtles in string vests and/or samurai armor.
N: It's funny, isn't it?
A: Not really.
N: I mean, when Calder drops his lenses, we're supposed to go "Ooh, this can't be good!" when it just clearly is a signpost "prepare to be underwhelmed"!
E: Maybe that's what scared Calder?
N: What?
E: The flying signpost.
N: ...yeah.
E: Jeez. That was a joke.
A: Sorry, Eve. After a few of these things you start to assume the worst when something stupid is said.

What were approaching were winged reptiles.
E: So... They WEREN'T aircraft, then.
A: Maybe they're winged reptiles IN aircraft. Pterodactyls in bi-planes!
N: Nazi Dinosaurs - the ancient enemy of Mankind!

Their beaks were open as if they were shrieking in ecstasy
E: "As if"? So they weren't shrieking in ecstasy?
A: Well, they can't hear any shrieking in ecstasy. So either these dragons are miming to a non-existent sound track and Calder can lip read OR...
E: ...it's a stupid description?
N: You learn the rules of the game quickly, little one.
E: Don't patronize me, you bastard.
A: They had their mouths open. Maybe they were just hungry.
E: Or burping.
N: Nazi Dinosaurs with Bad Breath! The ultimate enemy of Mankind!

and their long talons clawed at the air in an expectant manner...
A: So, just at a guess, that means these dragons are kind of excited?
E: Shrieking and waving their claws around while flying must be kind of hazardous.
A: At this rate, they'll knock themselves out of the sky before they reach UNIT.
N: Well, if they're as stupid as the Silurians and Sea Devils...
E: So this is good news, then?

The Sky-Dragons crossed the distance between the distant mountains
A: Mountains?! So, in Central London there are beaches, caves and mountains in walking distance?!
E: You know, I didn't see any of those when I went to London.
N: You've been to London, what was it like?
E: Cold. I didn't see any dragons, mountains, beaches, caves or reptile people though.
N: Tut. Tourist.

and the compound with alarming speed.
N: "Alarming Speed, Number One. Make it so."
A: "I cannae do it, Cappun! I don't have the power!"
N: "Then make Ever So Slightly Intimidating Speed!"
A: "Ye cannae break the laws of physics!"
N: "OK, how about Mildly Irritating Speed?"
A: "Yeah, I think I can do that."
E: I have no idea what you two are on about.
A: Fun, isn't it?

Their wails were deafening in.
N: In? In what?
E: Their wails were deafening in... the fact that they were really loud?
A: Oh, so we can HEAR them shrieking in ecstasy now, can we? We're not just beak-reading?
E: Maybe it was defeaning in... A sharp minor?

They began to circle HQ as if they were studying their targets.
E: If they weren't studying their targets, then what WERE they doing!?
N: Take it easy, Eve. That sort of thinking snapped Dave like a twig.
A: Why are the Sky Dragons (and nice how Mallet forgets to be coy despite the fact no one in the scene would know them as Sky Dragons) attacking UNIT HQ?
N: The Master's summoned them.
E: Why?
N: I dunno. Same way he summoned the Sea Devils?
A: You mean, sending out spam emails and hoping they'd come-a-looking?

"Fire at will!" The Brigadier cried.
E: Which one's will?
A: Oh smart move Alistair. Open fire on a bunch of dragons above your base. Even ASSUMING you manage to penetrate their hide and don't just annoy them, that leaves dead dragons falling on top of you?
N: Who cares? They're not the real UNIT!
E: Lucky escape.

The Sky-Dragons began to dive, their talons scraping through metal and flesh with nauseating ease.
E: Nauseating is right...
A: Where did all this metal and flesh come from since they're only BEGINNING to dive?
N: Maybe they bring their own?
E: Like security blankets?
N: Yeah.
E: ...Why the hell not?

One of them landed a few feet from The Brigadier, screaming as it eyed him off.
N: "Eyed him off"? What the hell does that mean?
E: It's hard to keep your eyes on something when you scream. You lift your face automatically.
A: Maybe "eyeing it off" works around that?

It was clear they weren't mindless.
E: Was it? Exactly what leads you to that conclusion?
N: They can fly?
A: And they can "eye you off"?

The Brigadier pulled his revolver and fired directly into the centre of its body.
E: Right. So if it HAD been mindless, would he have not shot it?
A: I dunno, but he seems to think that its brain will be in the centre of the dragon rather than, oh, I dunno, maybe it's HEAD?! Don't aim between the eyes, aim for the part of the body most likely to be reinforced to protect internal organs.
N: Senile dementia. It's so sad to see the Brig reduced to such a moron...

It crumpled for a moment then got to its feet and screamed with more than a hint of anger.
A: Well, bugger me sideways! It turns out that it can survive a shot to the gut! WHO SAW THAT COMING?!?
E: So its screams fall into two groups: ecstasy and "more than a hint of anger".
N: They've got a great range, haven't they?

"Fall back to the compound!" The Brigadier ordered.
E: Um, you're already in the compound. Dumb ass.

The troops complied very swiftly,
E: Since they were already in the compound and thus had obeyed before the order was given!
N: British troops. Best in the world.
A: These are from the UN.
N: Well. That's obviously why they're so crap.

as it had become clear that bullets only served to make the creatures keep their distance.
E: Isn't that good enough?
N: Why don't they use their oh-so-fancy motar gas bomb thingamajigs?
A: Knowing this lot, that was their entire supply.

The Brigadier was at least relived that their barely half-a-dozen of them.
E: Huh? What's he "relived" about?
A: Well, my gut reaction is "at least there're only six dragons" but he could be talking about anything.
E: His own troops.
N: His own viagra tablets.
A: Subplots in Eastenders.
E: Episodes in this story.
N: Brain cells in the author.
A: As many as that? Looking at this sentence I thought we were dealing with something MUCH dumber! Two spelling mistakes and a completely confusing statement.

Once inside he almost ran into The Master.
E: Who just happened to be passing.
N: "Jesus, you freak, watch where you're goin!"
A: Isn't he supposed to be in his secret shed laughing evilly and playing with his toys?
N: Oh who cares any more?

"Where the blazes have you been man?" The Brigadier shouted.
A: Oh, never mind the huge dragons outside, focus on what's REALLY important!
N: If he's so bothered, why didn't he have someone look for the Master? Why didn't he notice that one of the jeeps had come back without the soldier he left on watch? No, forget the fact the guy you don't trust is wandering around with a ridiculously huge Sea Devil weapon shoved down the back of his pants...
E: This Brigadier needs to switch to decaff. He's gonna have a heart attack.

"Inspecting The Sea Devils Brigadier," The Master replied calmly.
E: "So fuck you, old man."
A: Are the Sea Devils still alive?
E: Dunno. Don't care.
N: Shouldn't he have 'inspected' them on the beach? As part of his cover story?
A: Maybe that IS his cover story. He never said he was talking about the Sea Devils that got gassed.
N: Oh, you're so right. There we go again, assuming this stream of non-sequiters is any kind of coherent plot.
E: I'm bored.

"I'm more concerned about what's happening outside!"
E: ...and that is?
N: Haven't noticed anything happening outside. You people realized your bullets slowed the dragons down, so you run inside. Nothing's happened since.
A: So. Thanks for sharing, Brigadier. Now sod off.

"Oh... I would say they are an evolutionary offshoot of The Sea Devils I could always ask them I suppose..."
E: He's so terribly casual about it all, isn't he?
N: How exactly are dragons and evolutionary offshoot from turtles? Since one is a winged, airborne monster and the other is a barely amphibious sea creature?
A: Well, the Master's probably talking crap.
E: Oh, well, that's depth of characterization sure makes up for it all. So what's the excuse for everyone else?
A: I wish I knew, Eve. I wish I knew.

"Well get on with it then!
N: On with that? Asking them if they're an evolutionary offshoot? How does that help?
E: Maybe the Sea Devils know how to stop them?
N: Aren't the Sea Devils... you know. Dead?
A: Since we've established the Dragons aren't mindless...
E: By shooting them.
A: ...yes, by shooting them, well, surely the Brig can just stick his head out the window and say, "Back off or the turtle-heads get it!"
N: That's impossible. The author isn't smart enough to think of that.

Calder get some heavy artillery up on the roof I want to know how tough those things are!" The Brigadier shouted.
N: "You already know how tough they are you senile bastard!" Calder shouted back.
A: Where's Archer in all this?
E: Who?
A: Exactly.
N: Since they were about to go on the raid, shouldn't they already have some artillery? And since you know, this is a military base with standard tracking rooms and the like, why aren't there standard anti-aircraft defences?

Calder saluted and went to organise the counter-attack.
E: Because everyone higher in the chain of command was dead, absent or had wisened up long ago and fled.
N: Some would call it defense. They call it counter-attack.
A: I can't find it in my heart to care.

The Master strode of to the detention cells, cursing his superior under his breath.
A: Since the Master has his Sea Devil gun, why not just shoot everyone?
N: If he didn't want to get waylaid by the Brig, why did he leave his hut?
E: If the whole base is under attack, why doesn't he sneak off again?
A: Honestly, how pathetic is this Master? He sulks for crying out loud! NO FIST!

The Doctor pulled up in a jeep with some Sea Devils and Tobok.
N: ...you gotta be kidding me.
A: They agreed to go right into the heart of enemy territory WITHOUT letting the humans know they were coming? And they don't expect to be fired upon? These morons are supposed to be CLEVER!
E: Sea Devils can drive jeeps?
N: I'd not thought of that before. She's right! This is ARSE!
A: Are we to assume the Silurians don't have their own transport, some mountie velociraptors, for example?

The UNIT soldiers had pulled back to the compound so it wasn't difficult to confront the attacking Sky-Dragons.
E: Um, since the Dragons are INSIDE the compound with you, I suppose it wasn't difficult.
N: It was impossible.
A: On the other hand, the monsters are nice and close. Maybe that's what he means?
E: Yeah. Maybe.

The Dragons took back to the skies at the sight of The Sea Devils. They were obviously instinctual enemies.
E: Obviously.
A: Why would the dragons be instinctual enemies of Sea Devils? They can fly away from the ocean! It's hardly like the Sea Devils could have come after them - especially as they're supposed to have evolved at the same time.
N: If the sight of a few Sea Devils scare off a flock of Dragons, why are they such a threat?
A: I'm wondering how the Dragons got into suspended animation when they can't communicate, have no obvious technology, hierarchy or any signs they're not wild animals. And to threaten the Silurians AND the Sea Devils, they'd have to be very clever and dangerous. Not a bunch of pteradons who leg it at the sight of some Sea Devils. In a jeep. A long way away.

"Engage," Tobok ordered.
N: "Make it so, number one."

A number of Sky-Dragons fell with the first barrage of fire.
E: Just to clarify, its the Sea Devils doing the firing and not the conveniently-easily-attacking UNIT troops?

The beams of The Sea Devils' weapons punching holes through their armoured hides.
E: Oh, well. Thanks for that.
A: And THESE are the creatures so formidable the Silurians will instantly agree to an alliance to fight.
N: Ronny, baby, what is WRONG with you?!

On the roof of the compound, Sergeant Calder ordered the first shell to be fired. It exploded between two of the Dragons causing both of then to fall to the ground.
E: "Both of then"?
A: So they can be killed... without actually having their armoured hides punctured?
N: This is fucking deranged. The beachball alien from Dark Star was a more ferocious unstoppable killing machine than these Dragons!
A: And that just ate toy mice...

The Sea Devils advanced on the downed Sky-Dragons.
A: In the jeep? Or did they get out and walk?
N: Shouldn't they shoot the Dragons a few more times to be sure they're dead before getting so close?
E: This sucks. No wonder Dave gave up.

Both of these offensives convinced the couple of creatures that were still air born to retreat back to the mountain range from which they had come.
A: Well that sure was lucky, wasn't it?
E: It's "airborne" with an "e".
A: At least he didn't use the dreaded "seems" again.
N: Weakest. Aliens. Ever.

The Master made his way back to detention area
A: Ronny's really losing it, isn't he? Did his computer crash and take out random words?
E: "Back" to detention? Wasn't he already there? Did he get bored and leave?
N: Who can blame him?
E: He must have bumped into the Brigadier AGAIN and then gone back!

to the sound of the battle outside.
E: But the battle's over! WHAT noise?
A: Ronny's forgotten which order his scenes are in now!
N: The Brig's not the one with Alzhiemer's, it's Mallet!

He nodded to the guard on duty and passed the Sea Devil cell and entered Peri's which was unlocked.
A: They haven't locked her up? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!
E: Maybe they trust her?
A: Why put her in a cell then? She was gassed less than a day after nearly dying from her spectrox poisoning! She can't be in good health! Why isn't she in medbay?!
N: Plus, the stupidity of the Sky Dragons must mean her breasts are filling up the cell!
E: ......................what?
A: Oh, don't listening to him. I never do.

"It sounds like a war zone out there!"
"Indeed it is Miss Brown.

N: Yeah. I think Peri should have been able to work that out on her own.
E: But the battle is OVER!! Does she think a war zone sounds like silence?!

In the absence of The Doctor I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for your assistance!"
"Yes, The Brigadier seems to feel that you and The Doctor have some connection with these creatures."
"But that's ridiculous!"
"Yes, I know that.

N: Even the characters in the STORY realize how stupid this is?
A: I'd call it post modern if I thought Ronny had any idea what he was doing.
E: Why does the Brigadier think they are connected to the Sea Devils?
A: Well, the Doctor ran off with them and the Sea Devils chose Peri as their prisoner.
E: Whoa. You mean that it actually MAKES sense?
N: ...spooky.

But I'm going to have to ask you to play along. It's vital I retrieve some equipment from my TARDIS. To get you out of here unchallenged, they'll have to think that I'm taking you across to the interrogation room."
E: Wouldn't it work better if you weren't telling everyone that?
N: And the fact soldiers are always listening at the door?
A: Damn it! This is so stupid but it could have been brilliant! If the Master was lying to them because he knew the Brig would be listening, it might have given a whole new spin. But instead every time he appears in the story he ends up stupider and stupider!

Peri hesitated for a second. She couldn't bring herself to trust the man but it was better than doing nothing.
A: Has this Master given her any reason not to trust him?
N: And since she decides to trust him anyway, all this shillyshallying is a waste of time!
E: If she doesn't trust him, why not ask him why he needs her to get some stuff from his TARDIS? Or even what stuff it is and why is it vital?

"Okay then."
The Master took her gently by the arm and lead her out.
"She's ready to talk about her connection to the aliens - I'll take her across to the interrogation room so she can brief The Brigadier. Could you let him know?"
The soldier nodded and headed off.
"Come on," The Master directed.

E: Well. That was thrilling reading.
A: Almost tolerable. Though why they don't use walkie talkies in an emergency situation, I dunno.
N: Maybe the Silurians were too stupid to shut down the barrier?
E: Or maybe the Master is the one behind the barrier, using this confusion for his own ends?
A: ...Eve, you are priceless.
N: Unlike the author of this drivel.
A: Who is "worthless".

The Doctor had arranged a meeting between The Brigadier and Tobok.
A: And why would ANYONE be interested in how he did it or what was said?
E: Yeah, only freaks expect that kind of detail.
N: And Mallet is not a freak. He's normal. Normal, you hear me? NORMAL!!
A: The Brig and Tobok. The senile and the stupid. Meeting to settle a dispute between two whole species... This cannot end well.

"It's almost too big to comprehend. You say there are millions of those creatures hibernating beneath the ground all over the world!"
E: "Yes, I did. Honestly, are you paying any attention?"
N: Well, he clearly got over the enormity of it all...
A: Senility comes in handy. He forgot about the mindboggling hugeness of it in between sentences.

"That is correct. The Silurians and Sea Devils were united in their opposition to The Sky-Dragons - but our culture does not permit genocide," Tobok explained.
N: Um... yes it does. In every Silurian story it's made clear that it does.
A: And why do they think the Dragons are dangerous when not only are they completely pissweak, but the Silurians can hide in caves and the Sea Devils can hide in the ocean! The Dragons should have starved to death!
"So Doctor they'll be after reinforcements?" The Brigadier asked.
E: Who? The Silurians?
N: I think he means the Dragons...
E: THOSE morons couldn't understand reinforcements. And they seemed to attack with the full force.
N: Unless they breed rapidly...
E: Don't go there.
A: The Brigadier now completely trusts the Doctor and the whole concept of inter-species war is forgotten. As is the instinctive blind hatred mammals feel about Silurians. Sweet Jesus this is stupid. Even the parallel universe angle doesn't change the fact. If you're going to do things differently, go the whole hog.

"Without a doubt," The Doctor replied.
N: I love how he's really got inside the head of the character to show us the TRUE Sixth Doctor.
A: A walking exposition machine with no redeeming features or intelligence.
N: You know, if this was actually made instead of The Twin Dilemma, the show would have been axed on the spot.
E: A mercy killing.

"We knew that The Sky-Dragons had a compound not far from this location," Tobok admitted,
E: What? Another compound? This makes it even more confusing!
A: Not as confusing as the fact the Silurian Triad, the most important people on the planet built their survival bunker within spitting distance of a Sky-Dragon one if they're that scared of them.
E: Or the fact that those mindless vultures could BUILD a survival bunker in the first place.
N: Or the fact that either remained perfectly intact after sixty-five million years...
E: This is just... beyond stupid.

"it's possible that some of the chambers may have endured.
N: No shit. What gave it away? The attacking Sky-Dragons?
E: So there's a compound full of chambers? Is that right?

The Master's signal would probably only have awakened their leaders - they will attempt to revive their people manually."
E: How did they work out it was the Master? Did he sign the messages or something?
A: Maybe the Doctor did caller ID.
N: "Curses, foiled again! Damn your last number redial, Doctor!"
A: Still, I hope the Doctor has proof that the Brigadier's scientific advisor is a traitor.
E: Apart from the fact he's a prisoner there and hates the Brigadier.
N: And wears black and calls himself the Master.
A: Yeah, apart from that.

"I'm still having trouble believing it was him who sent that signal to revive both races in order to bring about a conflict...
N: Hah! You can't HANDLE the truth!
A: It might be a little easier to swallow if we knew WHY the Master wanted to start a holocaust on the same planet he was marooned on - isn't he worried about getting caught in the crossfire?
E: Are there people in the real world who talk like that? I mean, really?

oh, my word,
N: The part of the Brigadier was played by a Patrick Troughton impersonator.
A: Very mild language for him. No hell, no blazes, no damn...
N: Obviously, he won't swear in front of Silurians. Or ladies. Or royalty.
E: Is this over yet?

I sent him down to question The Sea Devils we captured...
A: You mean... you actually TRUSTED him? Despite all the evidence in this story you weren't THAT stupid? GAH!
N: Why is this bad news? Are they worried he's going to kill the gassed Sea Devils? That he might convince the Sea Devils to turn against their superiors? How is he supposed to do that?
E: Hypnosis?
N: If he could hypnotize people, why didn't he take over UNIT years ago?
A: This plot is reaching terminal credibility extinction. Do not approach.

Miss Brown is down there as well, she wasn't well and I wanted her supervised you see..."
A: "So putting her in the medical section was totally obviously the wrong thing to do, so I threw her in a dirty cell with no running water and left her unguarded..."
N: "Alistair?"
A: "Yes, Doctor?"
N: "Retire. Now."

A soldier appeared at The Brigadier's side
A: Shocked by this appearance, the Sea Devils shot him.
E: ...yeah. Whatever. Is it over yet?

and reported: "The Master wanted me to inform you that Miss Brown has agreed to talk about her connection to The Sea Devils Sir. He's taking her over to the interrogation room."
A: "Well, that's what he SAID he was doing, but we haven't given him an escort, watched where he's going or noticed the whacking great alien gun in his back pocket."
E: Not suspicious at all.
N: "And YOU can retire as well!"

The Doctor rushed away.
N: Unable to cope with any more expostion.
A: Is his regeneration playing up? I just asked because there's been no evidence apart from fainting. Once. With no reference to said fainting ever again.
E: Where exactly is he rushing away to? The interrogation room?
A: Why didn't he just interrogate her in the cell?
E: I dunno. Just end the madness. MAKE IT STOP!

The Master approached his TARDIS. It stood in the shape of a Police Box - just like that of The Doctor but not so battered.
A: So it wasn't JUST like the Doctor's then?
E: Why, exactly is the Master's TARDIS stuck as a police box?
N: Because it means... THIS picture... is now totally representative of the plot.
E: Is that supposed to be Derek Jacobi?!?

It was clearly guarded at all times by a UNIT sentry.
E: Clearly.
N: How exactly is it clear? Is there a guy standing there with a T-shirt saying HI! I'M A UNIT SENTRY AND I GUARD IT ALL THE TIME?
A: Don't be stupid. There's a sign above the TARDIS saying TO BE GUARDED AT ALL TIMES BY A UNIT SENTRY.
N: And it says that quite clearly.
E: Jesus Christ, this is unholy.

"I'm sorry Sir - you are not allowed in this area, orders of The Brigadier," the sentry reminded him.
N: Wow. I bet that bit of info had COMPLETELY slipped his mind.
A: Is everyone at UNIT HQ so forgetful?
E: What are the odds he's turned up now because he's going to do something evil then?

With unexpected savagery, The Master bent Peri's arm behind her back at an uncomfortable angle.
N: Wow! Just matching that photo!
A: It's almost like it was a photo from the unmade Tangent: Earth and not a publicity still from Planet of Fire after all!
E: Uh, why is the TARDIS door open? How come they are so close to it and the sentry is nowhere to be seen?
A: The same reason the TARDIS is a police box. He's writing this around the illustrative photos he has. No wonder he's been raping and pillaging Season 21, it's so he can use the photos.

"Step aside or I'll kill her!"
N: By twisting her arm? Go ahead, punk, make my day.
A: Doesn't he have a Sea Devil gun? Just shoot the guy!
E: Why does he need Peri again?

He rasped with malicious glee.
E: Uh... quite.
N: If you're so turned on by killing Peri, why are you using as a threat rather than just shooting the soldier and killing Peri?
A: Or just killing Peri and then the soldier?

The Master had pulled out a long, cylindrical metal object and was waving him aside with it.
E: "Pulled out"? From where? It sounds VERY unhygenic.
A: Waving who aside? The soldier? Himself?
N: Is that the TCE? He had the TCE all the time? Why did he need a Sea Devil gun?
E: Maybe, I dunno, so when he shot people they thought it was down to the Sea Devils?
A: That would only work if everyone knew the Master had a shrinking gun and they found all the miniturized corpses.
E: Which the Master could have just pocketed.
A: And if he only just, say, nicked it from the shed, why the hell did the Brig leave deadly weapons lying around the base?!
N: Peri's boobs must be able to flatten the Master by now...

Unsure as to what it was the sentry hesitated for a moment
N: So they DON'T know what the TCE is!
A: Why didn't the Master just steal a proper gun from the soldier he killed, or the armory or something? No, just wave around something that looks like a sex toy and hope the sentry will be intimidated!
E: If he's threatening Peri with his shrinking gun, why all the stuff with her arm?
N: Because otherwise the photo wouldn't make any sense!
E: Oh well, that makes it all clear.

but the evil gleam in The Master's eye was enough to convince him to let them pass.
N: Is that supposed to say, "the Master hypnotized him"?
E: If the Master can hypnotize people... why is he doing all this?
A: I note the sentry's not really surprised that the trusted scientific advisor is threatening to kill teenage girls with wierd sex toys then?

The Master pushed Peri up against the door
Well what?
This is where you tastelessly suggest the Master rapes Peri against the TARDIS.
I won't dignify this story with such a suggestion.
Fair enough.

and handed her the key.
"Open it!"

E: "It's already open, you retard!"

"I knew you couldn't be trusted!"
A: Yes. She did. You can't argue with that.
N: Yep, after four episodes of her thinking, 'I don't trust him', she's proved right.
E: What a fluke.

"Just open it or I'll do this to you," he explained
E: That's not an explanation. It's a threat.
N: I don't believe that. No witty comeback? No "Pity you didn't do anything about your suspicions, Miss Brown"? Just a puny, "please open my TARDIS which is already open"?
A: And why, exactly, can't the Master just do it himself?

as he fired at the sentry who promptly vanished from sight.
A: Was Ronny trying to get the casual violence of that scene? Coz it looks like he put the dialogue before the action.
N: Ronny's clearly thinking the Master has his souped-up TCE from Mark of the Rani. Though the fact is TCE stands for Tissue Compression Eliminator, not Random Extra Deleter!
E: Anyway, if his gun makes bodies vanish... why didn't he use it already? He could have escaped to his TARDIS ages ago!
N: Even without the gun he should have been smart enough to do it. The Doctor managed it within an episode!

There was a deep chuckle as The Master entered the TARDIS and it dematerialised.
A: Ok. Let's start from the top.
E: What caused the deep chuckle? The Master? Why was he laughing?
N: How did the Master enter the door without it being opened?
A: If Peri DID open it, where is she? Is she left behind?
E: Why did the Master need her to open it anyway?
A: How come the TARDIS works at all?
N: Why didn't any of this happen back in the 1970s when the Master first joined?
A: OK. Any answers? No? No.

The Doctor followed The Brigadier down the stairs and into the interrogation room. The Doctor walked over to a small object on the floor. It was the sentry!
E: So... the gun DOES shrink people.
A: Yes. But it turns them invisible briefly.
N: Wait a minute, this is the interrogation room! Not the shed with the Master's TARDIS! That means he must have gone to the interrogation room, shot the sentry for no reason, then left again and Peri didn't ONCE think, "Hey, that's dodgy!"
A: If the Master's trying to start a war, surely he should have used his Sea Devil gun to kill the sentry and blame the reptiles!
E: Wait, you're saying there are TWO sentries the Master zapped? Does his TCE only work on sentries?

Tobok had also followed them down into the room.
E: ...and?
A: Giant lizards...
D: Stupid giant lizards.
A: Sorry, stupid giant lizards, are now being given free run of the base without any prejudice, suspicion, or people collapsing in Lovecraftian horror.
D: Sounds about right.
N: Dave! You're back!
D: I'm just passing through.

"Brigadier, we need to discuss terms on which to launch a concerted attack on the Sky-Dragon base."
A: Discuss "terms"? What, are you going to argue over which one uses a nuke?
E: If the Silurians still have any weapons, surely THEIR weapons would be the best ones to use on them since they were designed for it?
N: In any case, why discuss it now?

"Yes, err... Your Excellency. I technically can't guarantee instant support.
D: "Technically"? What the fuck are you on about?

But given the gravity of the situation - I believe we are facing a global invasion of sorts
E: Which you're not. There's only one base full of easily-killed dragons.
D: Oh, Ronny's remembered the global emergency then.
N: He still hasn't given a reason for it.
A: Wait, the Brig says, "I believe we're facing invasion" to the giant lizard who has just told him the whole situation. Alistair, he knows!
N: Alzhiemer's Alistair, they call him.

- I'll pre-empt approval from Geneva and agree to launch a combined strike. I do have some authority to act in these situations," The Brigadier explained.
E: Well. That's nice. You half-wit.
A: So, that long boring and unnecessarily expositional speech meant, "Yes".
D: I'm off. I've had enough.
N: Come on, Dave. Stick out.
A: Yeah, prove yourself stronger than Mallet.

"The Master is already there...
All: WHERE?!

at the base I mean.
A: So, we still don't know how they deduced the Master was behind it or why he's waited this long to make his move.
D: I get the strangest feeling that the answers aren't worth noting.

He'll attempt to cause as much anarchy as he can before he leaves the Earth." The Doctor offered.
N: Oh, and why is he going to these lengths when he could have shot Reagan and triggered world war three?
A: All he's managed so far is to kill a few members of UNIT, and ally the most senior Silurians and UNIT against the Sky-Dragons. He seems to be trying to make things on Earth BETTER if anything.
E: That'd be an interesting angle.
D: So it's obviously wrong.

"I thought you couldn't work your TARDIS - that you were an exile!"
E: Huh? Who's talking?
D: It must be one of us, they're pointing out the holes in the plots.

The Master laughed at her before replying:
N: "Hahaha. Stupid girl with the ever-expanding breasts!"
E: "Hahahah! Stupid girl points out plot holes!"
D: "Hahahah! American teenager!"
A: "Hahahahah! I just felt like laughing at you, Miss Brown."

"I'm an exile in the sense that I no longer have a planet of my own."
A: ...so, you're not an exile AT ALL.
E: Fuck, Mallet, what is wrong with looking in a dictionary!

"But you come from Gallifrey - just an alternative version, don't you?" Peri countered.
N: Which would have been impressive except Peri doesn't know about Gallifrey.
A: Why does she need to emphasize the idea that she's from a different universe? Why does she assume everything is just the same in this universe?
D: Because it damn well is. Everyone's just a lot stupider.

"My dear child, I destroyed Gallifrey and The Doctor.
D: ...why?
A: When?
E: How?
A: And why did you go to Earth, pretend your TARDIS was broken and join up with UNIT for ten years?
D: Doesn't this mean that the Brigadier worked with the Doctor? And thus fought the Master? So the Brigadier might have believed the exile idea, but we're supposed to believe he hired as scientific advisor a man he knew to be pure evil?
A: Worked in Face of the Enemy.
N: Because the Brigadier didn't mindlessly trust him. He didn't trust him for an INSTANT. This Brig lets him wander around with his TCE, allowing him access to build revivals and stuff... THIS IS JUST BULLSHIT!

I think the subsequent tear in time and space is probably the anomaly through which The Doctor's TARDIS passed into this reality.
A: Oh. Plot. Wow.
E: Ah, surely the Master should have said "YOUR Doctor"?
N: Um, wouldn't the Master have shown the slightest bit of recognition when a strangely-dressed Time Lord turns up saying he's the Doctor? Not even a flinch or, "I saw you die, damnit!"?

This universe is destroying itself you see and I mean to get out!"
A: And to do that, you've spent the last ten years moonlighting on Earth causing anarchy. Yeah. That'll help.
E: Maybe the Master went all nihilistic and decided to spend his last few years screwing with the people of Earth?
N: Maybe... um, why did blowing up Gallifrey cause this universe to destroy itself VERY VERY VERY slowly?

"You mean you killed The Doctor..." The terrible truth was sinking in.
D: Oh, for fuck's sake...
N: Peri! You know he's not talking about your Doctor!
A: And you didn't trust him in the first place!
E: And how can the truth sink in when he didn't really lie to you?
N: Sweet Jesus, Peri, smother the bastard with your tits and spare us this crap.
E: I still have no idea what you're talking about...

"My dear - I've effectively destroyed this entire reality and everything in it!" He grinned.
A: Except... it's all still here.
E: Why is he so pleased? He had no idea there was a way out until an hour previously! This is a deathbed rescue and I don't believe for a moment he INTENDED to end everything!
N: This has to be the worst-characterized Master ever. EVER, you hear me? EVER!

"You inhuman monster! What kind of being are you?" She screamed.
E: I think you might have answered your own question there.
N: Probably the same inhuman monster as the one you met on Sarn, lady.
A: Sweet Zarathrustra! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?!

"A survivor
E: Ooh, is he going to start singing Destiny's Child songs?
A: ...no.
E: Darn. I love it when he sings.

and I mean to go on surviving no matter what the cost... to others of course.
If you mean to go on surviving, then ending the entire universe was A FUCKING STUPID THING TO DO, DON'T YOU THINK?!?
If Mallet DARES criticize RTD's Master... I will kill him. I will fucking kill the bastard and drown him in his own congealed blood.
And his family will applaud.

I intend to follow The Doctor out into your own reality and start over,"
How are you going to follow the Doctor? He's still on Earth!
Why doesn't the Master just go for the Doctor's TARDIS and use that to escape?

he chortled, "and you're going to help me..."
"You are insane. I'd never help you!"
... This is supposed to be PERI for fuck's sake! PERI!

"Oh but you will... you will you see... I am The Master and you are my slave... my slave you will obey my will and my will alone..."
D: Oh god! HOLY GOD NO!
He can't even get the catchphrase right!
Why the hell didn't the Master hypnotize her in the cell!?!
What the fuck is Mallet thinking? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING!??!

Peri couldn't break away from the stare of his eyes...
N: Use your tits, girl! Break his concentration!
A: In Mark of the Rani, she knew he'd try to control her, for God's sake!
D: I can't breathe... room spinning... too much badness...

The Brigadier was busy issuing orders to his troops outside UNIT HQ when The Doctor rushed up to him.
"I've not got the time now Doctor, we're organising a joint assault..."
N: No shit! It's all you and Tobok have talked about all episode you forgetful bastard!
A: Why the hell is he ignoring the Doctor? You don't think, Alistair, it might be IMPORTANT or anything?!

Hordes of Sea Devils and human troops were pouring onto trucks.
E: Hordes. Not platoons, phalanxes, regiments or squads. But hordes.
N: He's got a knack for military etiquette, has Mallett.
A: Oh, that's smart. Use the sea creatures who can't stay on land for long otherwise they drown in the air!
D: They need trucks?! Don't they have, you know, their own transport?

Helicopters were being loaded as well.
N: Wow. I bet Sky Dragons don't destroy THEM ever so casually.
A: Screw "love sweet love". A remake of The Giant Claw. THAT'S what the world needs now!

Tobok was briefing the junior UNIT officers including Colonel Archer.
N: Archer's a colonel, he's hardly junior!
D: Why the hell are they taking orders from a giant lizard?
N: What's he going to tell them? "You know those big dragons we killed this afternoon? Well, we have to kill some more. Yay team! Gimme high five! Anyone? No?"

"I understand that Brigadier, and I think for all sorts of reasons that's all for the best but it'll take hours for you to reach the co-ordinates that Tobok has nominated.
All: Huh?
A: I think he's saying, "shut up, you stupid ape and listen for once."
N: Why couldn't he just say that?
A: I have absolutely no idea.
E: Surely the Brig should have noticed it might take a while to get there?

In the TARDIS, I can get a small number of you there in an instant.
E: Um, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside? You can get ALL of them there.
A: This is the SAME TARDIS he spent part one bitching he had absolutely no control over?
D: I can't take much more of this...

Dealing with the remaining Sky-Dragons can remain the province of the alliance - I just want to stop The Master from interfering."
A: Oh, well, that's all right then. "You can all fight and die the big dragons, but I just want to piss off the guy behind it all."
E: What an asshole the Doctor is.
N: I dunno. The Master - even this retarded version - is clearly more of a threat than the dragons.
D: Which doesn't say much.

The Master was busy exploring the myriad corridors of The Sky-Dragon hibernation complex.
D: Well, good for him.
A: So, instead of capturing the Doctor's TARDIS and escaping the dying universe... he's gone to the place the Silurians and humans are bound to attack... a place full of dragons who'll be a bit pissed off the Master's also revived their enemies and got their friends slaughtered.
E: This Master must have a death wish. He WANTS to die! There's no other explanation!

Peri was walking beside him with a blank look on her face.
D: Wow, you think she might be hypnotized?
N: Her brain's shut down after all the things that don't make sense.

She was clearly in a trance.
D: OK, you win that one.
E: So she's last seen with a hypnotist hypnotizing her, and then she is seen with a blank expression silently following him. But you have to TELL us she's CLEARLY in a trance, as if we're too stupid to work it out.
N: I hate you, Mallet.

The Master paused at the entrance to one chamber.
"Follow me," The Master ordered, "and carefully. All the corridors look the same."

D: Is that... supposed... to be funny?
A: I fear it was.
E: Surely if she's following him, the corridors DON'T look the same - she just stays in the corridor with the Master!

He wandered up to a towering control panel.
A: Cause, you know, no hurry.
N: It's not like the entire universe is imploding.
E: Um, yes it is?
D: Is it? SHIT!

Height was obviously no barrier to a species that could hover on the spot with ease.
E: Obviously.
A: Except it's never been revealed the Dragons can hover on the spot at all, let alone with ease.
N: If it was so obvious, why didn't the Master take the TARDIS to the top?
E: I'm still boggling that a bunch of psychotic vultures built their own civilization.
A: In some world where this was written by someone with any kind of intelligence or creative talent, maybe there's an explanation. Maybe the Silurians were morally obliged to freeze the Dragons or something, like inbred cousins in the attic. Or maybe they were mutants or genetic experiments or something.
E: So many possibilities.
D: Tragic.

"Your friends will be here soon... I want you to watch the door..."
D: Who said that?
A: Who were they talking to?
N: Who were the friends?
E: Where was the door?
A: I think it might be the Master talking to Peri. About UNIT coming. But the door they'd use would surely be built for Sky Dragons and so huge he could keep an eye on it himself!
E: Come to think of it, where ARE the Sky-Dragons?

Before The Brigadier, Sergeant Calder, Tobok and a high ranking Sea Devil entered The Doctor's TARDIS, which was still standing unnoticed in Hyde Park, the helicopter that had transported them was waved away.
D: Holy fuck that sentence is bad!
A: Another Sea Devil with no name.
E: Why is the Brigadier taking Calder with them?
N: Where is the Doctor?!
A: Why did they use a helicopter to go to Hyde Park when a) it's in walking distance and b) there are lots of dragons at large that would attack the helicopter?

"The convoy is on its way to the complex Your Excellency," The Brigadier informed Tobok as he had just received a message before he disembarked from the helicopter.
D: AGH! It hurts! It honest to god HURTS! That writing makes my lungs ache!
E: Why isn't Tobok getting updates from his own side?

"Excellent Brigadier. Your species is very efficient in relation to mobilising for war," Tobok answered.
A: "In all other factors, your species sucks!"
N: "Well, fuck you, lizard boy!"
D: "Make me, apeshit!"

"On the national front, cabinet has also been advised and given us tacit approval.
A: So... the whole Brigadier-taking-matters-into-his-own-hands speech was COMPLETELY pointless. They agreed anyway.
N: But UNIT is supposed to be ruthless and evil in this dimension! Why are they being nicer than the ones we saw on TV!
D: Mallet clearly suffers dementia and forgot all about that subplot.

They want us to nip this threat in the bud before beginning actual negotiations for a treaty," The Brigadier added.
E: Yes. A global emergency. Nip it in the bud.
N: Why the hell would this Earth give the Silurians a chance when they wouldn't in another? When the planets are exactly the same?
A: How does the Brigadier know this?! If they rang him up during the helicopter ride, the others would have heard as well!
D: Seriously, my lungs HURT!

The Doctor unlocked the door of the TARDIS and in a friendly way motioned them inside.
N: The old 'flip the the bird' method always looks friendly.
E: Why is he being coy? Uh, massive emergency here!

"There's something awfully familiar about all of this Doctor!" The Brigadier noted. E: ...like what?
N: I think Mallet's joking. There's not a single fucking idea in this story remotely original.
D: Wait a minute, the Brigadier can remember things from the other universe?!
A: Maybe he's remembering meeting the Doctor of this reality?
E: Surely he knows what the TARDIS is, because he stole the Master's and locked it up!
N: Seriously, if he's NOT senile, nothing makes sense.

The Master had examined the main timing systems of the Sky-Dragons' hibernation chambers and was puzzled.
E: That a bunch of Ring of Fire rejects could build this in the first place.
D: And that he seemed to be wasting what little time was left after he accidentally destroyed the universe

"There's something wrong here. They should have been operational by now..." He whispered.
A: Oh, NOW he notices something wrong with the plot.

Peri was still standing blankly at the door.
"Miss Brown!"
Peri wandered over.

E: Does Mallet know words beyond "wandered" and "explained"?

"I want you to help me pull this screen down," The Master ordered as he took a sonic screwdriver out of his pocket.
E: Sonic?! Who'd have sonic?!
N: This is just getting beyond pathetic.

The Doctor and his group piled out of the TARDIS.
E: At least they didn't wander.
N: They just went inside!
D: You don't think he forgot to explain the whole 'bigger on the inside' shebang, did he?
A: Probably.

The Sea Devil hissed quietly as if he could smell danger and was holding his weapon in a nervous manner.
A: "As if". So it turns out the whole "obvious" natural emnity between Sea Devils and Sky Dragons is not right. Because if it was, the Sea Devil COULD smell danger rather than just act like it.

When they got to the central chamber they found Peri standing before a hibernation canister. Its covering screen had been opened. Inside were the skeletal remains of a Sky-Dragon.
E: Well, they clearly had no obstacle with the identical corridors or anything like that.
D: How come they know how to navigate a place they've never been?
N: Why is there only one canister in the whole room?
A: Mallet seems to have forgotten that the dragons are supposed to be huge!

"Miss Brown are you all right? Where's The Master?" The Brigadier asked.
D: Why would the Master be there? They never seemed to notice he'd left with Peri...
E: Why hasn't the Doctor asked over her? Doesn't he care?

"He's gone Alistair. He's run out of toys to play with..."
D: What a shithouse villain.
A: Wait, so it turns out he couldn't work out any kind of use for a whole Sky-Dragon base? Or somehow use it to sabotage the Silurian or Sea Devil technology?
N: He didn't even realize that the Sky-Dragons were so stupid their hibernation machinery might not work.
E: Sweet onion chutney! This is AWFUL!

The Doctor answered as he studied Peri.
N: "Yep, those boobies are big all right."

"They're all dead Doctor. Their technology failed millions of years ago," Tobok explained looking up from the main console.
D: What gave it away? All the skeletons?
N: How did Tobok look at the controls when they're supposed to be so high up?

"What about the Sky-Dragons we encountered at UNIT HQ?" The Brigadier asked.
A: Fuck me! An intelligent line of dialogue!

"The leaders of their race used a separate system. Like the Triad they were revived first and it would have been their task to supervise the revival of the rest of their colony... they will be no match for the combined might of our nations now," Tobok explained.
A: They were no might before hand, you slaughtered them with hand-pistols!
E: So, let me get this straight, the Master revived the Silurians and the Sea Devils to spark a war with the humans. And then, he revived the Sky-Dragons, which ended the war with the humans, and didn't check more than six of the bastards survived?

"What about Miss Brown?"
"Hypnotic trance," The Doctor answered clicking his fingers in front of her face, "you know I think I prefer her this way!"

E: Fuck off!
D: I wish YOU were mindlessly hypnotized, you shit!
A: What exactly has the Doctor achieved in this story? He misheard a number, blamed Peri, picked a fight with the Brig, fainted, put his trust in the Master, tried and failed to talk to the Sea Devils, and acted as a chauffer.
N: He didn't even broker a peace between the species, they worked it out without him.
A: All he's done is give the Alt-Master a chance to attack a whole new universe!
D: I knew the Sixth Doctor was never really involved, but this is shithouse!

"I think the alliance can deal with the situation with the surviving Sky-Dragons now.
A: BOTH of them? Wow, what confidence!
E: Mallet's forgotten to tell us who's talking, where we are and what's going on?
D: Look on the bright side. We're better off not knowing.

Their main threat was not just their savagery but their numbers.
A: I say again. BOTH of them? They just happened to be male and female?
N: And they can get killed pretty easily. They'll probably be domesticated as pets.
E: God this story is awful. Is it over yet?

They could breed with great ferocity... a bit like cats!"
E: What?!
N: You're thinking of rabbits, you moron!
A: For the love of Led Zepplin, is that supposed to be a Sixth Doctor "cat moment"?
D: If it is, it sucks.

The Doctor babbled as he began to set the co-ordinates.
A: Babbled. Yep. That's what he's doing.
E: Finally, a word used properly.
D: Wait... they just left? The Doctor and Peri have just left everyone in that deserted base? And didn't say goodbye or anything? No big battle? No confrontation? Nothing?! Everything just resolved itself, like Reformation of the Daleks.
A: Mallet seems to dislike any kind of drammatic build up.
N: Well, we hate him back.

Peri seemed troubled:
D: Seemed??! SEEMED?!!?
E: DAVE! Calm down! Calm Down?
N: Dude, look at that vein!

"Doctor, The Master told me that this universe was destroying itself because of some catastrophe he caused. That enabled us to get here in the first place."
D: Oh. NOW you mention it.
N: Shouldn't there be some kind of hint that the universe is destroying itself? Stars vanishing? Planets exploding? Come on!
A: That would be a good reason for the global emergency, for the Silurians and the humans to band together...
E: Oh, what MIGHT have been.

"Yes," he replied sadly, "I thought that might be the case."
A: Did you? How very kind of you totally forgetting to mention it!
E: The unfeeling bastard!

"Then everyone that we met, everyone that exists in this reality will just die?"
D: What, are they immortal where you come from Peri?
A: I like how she seems to think there's a chance that they'll SURVIVE the destruction of the entire universe.

"They won't know it. One moment they'll exist, the next they won't. They won't feel any pain, in one sense they're lucky," The Doctor pondered.
E: Callous fuckwit!
D: If he knew all about the universe ending, why did he waste time trying to get a peace with the two species when they seem to have only hours to live!
N: The Sixth Doctor wouldn't waste time like this.
A: I still don't get why or how the universe is ending in such a way it will end like a light switch. Or how the Doctor knows all about it.
D: You'd think at least he'd be hurrying to get moving!

"That just seems... inhuman..."
"Well as I keep telling you I'm not human!" The Doctor exploded.

E: "Keep telling"? You haven't said it once, you utter shit!
A: What is with Peri's sudden 'inhuman' repeated meme?!

"You used to be a lot more compassionate and understanding," Peri moaned.
D: "Moaned"?!? MOANED?!?
A: Yeah, she's moaning.
N: Never let it be said that The Twin Dilemma couldn't have been much worse.
E: It was City of Death compared to this shit!
D: YOU'VE seen City of Death?
E: Course I have. You think I'm stupid?

"Oh do be quiet child, I'm trying to concentrate.

I'm doing our best to reverse our course, exactly... if not a little more evenly..."
E: So, you're doing your best NOT to reverse it exactly!
D: I can't believe we're supposed to like this lazy, cowardly, childish arsehole who is willing to let millions die while he has a childish argument.
N: I doubt even Colin himself could have rescued this.

The world went double-negative for a moment and then all returned to normal.
A: Well, that's using all the imagination and descriptive powers Mallet posseses.
N: And THAT is nicked from Logopolis!
A: How fucking weak is that jump between realities...

"That's odd. We're actually transmitting some kind of signal. I didn't notice it before..."
D: Oh, you noticed a fucking UNIVERSE ending but NOT a signal?!
A: It's obviously the Master. Why didn't he just head for the place Gallifrey used to be if THAT is the anomaly that let the TARDIS through?
E: Why was the TARDIS passing through Gallifrey on its way to Earth?

The Doctor looked up and walked over to Peri. He pointed to her pocket and she placed her hand inside. She pulled out a small, metallic device that was blinking rapidly.
N: He didn't even booby-trap the TARDIS?! HOW WEAK!

"How did this...? The Master!"
"Yes you were hypnotised to forget it was there but why would he?"
"Oh Doctor, he was telling me that he wanted to survive the death of his reality... he's followed us through hasn't he?"

A: The Doctor wasn't suspicious that the Master just happened to leave Peri totally unharmed? He didn't check her pockets or undo any mental conditioning?
E: Why didn't the Master just shoot the lot of them, then steal the Doctor's TARDIS?!
D: He's actually done all of this OFF-SCREEN!
N: I'm more disgusted at the idea the Master died in Planet of Fire and the one seen ever since was a strange parallel universe copy. You'd think someone might have mentioned that...

The Doctor only stared blankly at the scanner and thought, dark thoughts...
E: He thought "dark thoughts".
D: Surely he thought "fucking obvious plot twist".
A: More likely, "we really should have gone to Joconda and wackiness ensued."
N:The Twin Dilemma is completely redeemed in my eyes. I will never, ever, have a bad word spoken about it again.
D: Unlike Mallet who I will hound to the corners of the universe.
A: Anyone want to see his Pompeii-psuedo historical? ... Guys? It was just a joke! No! Wait! Argh! AGH! JUST A JOKE! OH, ARGH! THE PAIN! JUST A JOKE! YOU'LL REGRET THIS IN THE MORNING ARGH!


Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

"But that's ridiculous!"
"Yes, I know that.
N: Even the characters in the STORY realize how stupid this is?

Hehe, my thoughts exactly.

Before The Brigadier, Sergeant Calder, Tobok and a high ranking Sea Devil entered The Doctor's TARDIS, which was still standing unnoticed in Hyde Park, the helicopter that had transported them was waved away.

I had to read that one three times.

Basically it's a big attempted retcon of "Oh shit!... no, they weren't in London at all! Phew!"
Absolutely pathetic. Along with everything else in this story.

I mean...

1) Parallel Universe
2) Master as scientific advisor
3) UNIT, Silurian Sea Devils GRUDGE MATCH
4) A third ancient race of Earth-dwellers.
5) The end of the universe!

Although it would obviously be fanwankananza no matter what, this could be, and by rights should have been, brilliant. At its very best it can be legible. This is the worst fanfic that I've ever encountered. Mallet is a wizard at making things dull, plodding, soleless and messy.

And what was with the plot-twists? Can't he have ANY at all that make sense, and don't just come out of nowhere, conflicting with what's established, from the say-so of a bit character?

An excellent job spoofing it, though. Especially liked the new dynamic Eve brought to it. More brilliant work.

Youth of Australia said...

It's taken me over a month to finish that story... It really is beyond belief... I even forgot to rant that the whole thing is a rip off of Blood Heat - where the Doctor visits a doomed alternate universe where the Brigadier and UNIT are fighting Silurians thanks to an evil Time Lord's interference.

I might summon up the energy to tackle his Pompeii story... maybe.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I even forgot to rant that the whole thing is a rip off of Blood Heat - where the Doctor visits a doomed alternate universe where the Brigadier and UNIT are fighting Silurians thanks to an evil Time Lord's interference.

Haven't read it. But I do own a copy of Blood Harvest, with which I am constantly confusing it.

I might summon up the energy to tackle his Pompeii story... maybe.

Hey, it may be topical, but it's not worth putting your life on the line!

I imagine his grasp of Roman life will be even worse than his grasp of the military...

Youth of Australia said...

Haven't read it. But I do own a copy of Blood Harvest, with which I am constantly confusing it.
Oh. Good book. Tom Wallis makes an appearance, lots of proper Silurian use, and a refreshing lack of impenetrable multi-plot threads which tainted the very next book, The Dimension Riders/

Hey, it may be topical, but it's not worth putting your life on the line!
I imagine his grasp of Roman life will be even worse than his grasp of the military...


What does RM have to say for himself about TE?

This story is reflective of my decision to always inject something new when resurrecting classic adversaries - something that typified the era of The 6th Doctor. I like The Silurians as they are not really villains but rather misunderstood and ruthless. I was able to create my own Silurian race, an air based offshoot called the Sky Dragons. I also wanted to set the story in an alternative Earth - which I later learned had been done in the New Adventures novel Blood Heat, but in a different way. The main idea was to have a logical way of having The Brigadier still in charge of UNIT and have The Master as his scientific advisor! I think originally it was going to be one of a series of alternative earth stories in the spirit of Sliders but that turned out to be too ambitious.
I'm too drained to critique this, but I dare say you know what I think of it.

Meanwhile, his Pompeii effort has...

This story took an inordinate amount of time to write. I actually plotted it in partnership with my wife and we intended to write half each. However she wrote one half of her portion and it accidentally got wiped. She had backed it up on an area of the hard drive I didn't know about and it didn't get backed up. Subsequently I re-formatted the hard drive and installed a new operating system and it was gone forever! Then she got really busy with work and study and so I decided I would write it all. Then I got really busy with work and study and it got left on the back burner. An alternate working title of the story was The Temple of Isis. The main inspiration of the story was a mixture of being exposed to a series of documentaries on Pompeii and (although it sounds a bit low brow) my affection for Up Pompeii with Frankie Howerd!!! I realise there has been a BF Audio set in Pompeii with The 7th Doctor and Mel but I don't think my story really draws on any elements from that. I've never heard it only read a synopsis. I think the only things they have in common is Pompeii itself. I thought the bit where Peri gets smeared with blood and feathers was a bit off - but my wife wanted it in so it stayed! The 5th Doctor is such a straight forward, nice guy that he's quite a pleasure to write for. I hope I have got the essence of his character - particularly the way in which he usually gets less and less polite as the story progresses. He and Peri make a good team - the chemistry works well. I really think a story set in Pompeii would work on screen. A designer's dream don't you think?!
Well, I can't just the story myself yet, I can honestly say "nightmare" is a better description for the last one. DWC makes it quite clear their Pompeii story was only done because they were able to go to Italy - doing it in Britain would have been near impossible to do convincingly.

...Ah, fuck I forgot to get you a copy of The Fires of Vulcan.

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

What does RM have to say for himself about TE?

Oh, `ere we go!

This story is reflective of my decision to always inject something new when resurrecting classic adversaries

A virus that causes brain death?

something that typified the era of The 6th Doctor.

... not really. The Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans and Master were all brought back, it's true, but in ALL of their stories they were sidelined in favour of new antagonists and generally portrayed as charicatures. In fact, Robert Holmes effectively stated that he wanted to make the Sontarans more like they were in The Time Warrior than in any of their other stories - quite the opposite to 'bringing something new'.

I like The Silurians as they are not really villains but rather misunderstood and ruthless.

I'd say with Mallet's Silurians it's more a case of misunderstanding and ruthless.

I was able to create my own Silurian race, an air based offshoot called the Sky Dragons.

What does he mean "I was able"? What possibly could have stopped him?

I also wanted to set the story in an alternative Earth - which I later learned had been done in the New Adventures novel Blood Heat, but in a different way.

And in about two hundred other stories for Christ's sake - parallel worlds isn't exactly a new concept.

The main idea was to have a logical way of having The Brigadier still in charge of UNIT and have The Master as his scientific advisor!

Which you screwed up by having the story set mid-1980s. And, you know, not making the character so much as vaguely Brigadier-like...

I think originally it was going to be one of a series of alternative earth stories in the spirit of Sliders but that turned out to be too ambitious.

Writing the Doctor speaking three sentences and staying in character is too ambitious for you, mate.

Mallet really seems to loathe the idea of the Doctor doing anything vaguely worthwhile, eh?

...Ah, fuck I forgot to get you a copy of The Fires of Vulcan.

I'm sure I'll survive. I've got a ridiculous amount of stories to listen to as is.

Youth of Australia said...

A virus that causes brain death?
Could be...

... not really. The Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans and Master were all brought back, it's true, but in ALL of their stories they were sidelined in favour of new antagonists and generally portrayed as charicatures.
True - Cryons, Lytton, Androgums, the Rani, pretty much everyone else in the story when it comes to Daleks...

In fact, Robert Holmes effectively stated that he wanted to make the Sontarans more like they were in The Time Warrior than in any of their other stories - quite the opposite to 'bringing something new'.
Mind you, the idea of the Sontarans mucking about with their own genes to win the war effort might be something new...

I'd say with Mallet's Silurians it's more a case of misunderstanding and ruthless.
Chronically stupid rather than bigotted nobility.

What does he mean "I was able"? What possibly could have stopped him?
Common sense?

And in about two hundred other stories for Christ's sake - parallel worlds isn't exactly a new concept.
Like Inferno, for example.

Which you screwed up by having the story set mid-1980s. And, you know, not making the character so much as vaguely Brigadier-like...

Writing the Doctor speaking three sentences and staying in character is too ambitious for you, mate.
And you'd think he'd be able to do that with Colin Baker. Hardly a subtle balance...

Mallet really seems to loathe the idea of the Doctor doing anything vaguely worthwhile, eh?
Obviously he likes his hero to act like he himself does.

I'm sure I'll survive. I've got a ridiculous amount of stories to listen to as is.
Oh yeah, so you do.