OK. I'm really, really angry.
I have over the last few months all but managed to keep control of my sparacus antipathy, but this situation has taken all bets, all biscuits, closed the stable door and got my goat. My goat is so touched it requires counselling, you see how serious this is?
Now, no doubt in a week's time this will be yesterday's news, as forgotten as David Beckham's Auton cameo, David Jason as the Master and, of course, the Brigadier in Boomtown. But that's not the point.
The Sun, paragon of intellectually challenging integrity, says Martha Jones and the lovely actress that plays her, Freema Agyeman, have been axed.
Now, they say that unspecified BBC bosses are screaming for her removal because... she's not as good as she used to be.
Season Four will have Martha turfed out in a cheap 'search for Sam'-style story arc and then be quietly forgotten.
Apart from anything else, Season Three is not made in the order we mere mortals watch it. If, say, Freema WAS running down, we would have seen evidence by now. But we haven't.
This is after all, the same journal that spoiled the ending of The Parting of the Ways with Christopher Eccleston being sucked out of the TARDIS with the parting words to Rose, "I've taught you everything you need to know."
Oh, wait. They didn't.
And they have, more than likely, got their wires crossed and notably the BBC refuse to comment.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. I could forgive the Sun for that.
But fandom seemingly has reacted like Tom Baker is returning to the main role. Suddenly... they hate Martha. And Freema. And especially Freema as Martha. As cool heads point out that the article is probably as credible as Davros' wedding vows, this simply leads to more "FREEMA MUST GO!" If it's not true, they want it true.
The origin point seems to be a bunch of looneys who refuse to accept the show without Billie Piper and want her back or Doctor Who axed. Then there are the same fans who wanted Rose to die horribly in Doomsday who now want her back. And then... then, there is Sparacus.
I might have been able to tolerate his insane delusions of grandeur, but there is a time and place. You don't live a kid who likes playing with matches near a gasoline tank, and you don't put Sparacus amongst a rabble of 'we hate Doctor Who, change it back' lunatics who now seem to be engulfing Outpost Gallifrey like a rather irritating zombie plague.
Thus, we know have Sparacassian words of wisdom...
Who should replace RTD? I feel duty bound to throw my hat in the ring, not that I think I'd get the job easily.
Nor should he. He does not reveal his real name, has never written for television and all seventeen people in the entire world to read his drivel laughed in his face. Not exactly the person you get to replace the winner of the Dennis Potter award, is he?
Had the series been more like my fan fiction it would still be getting high ratings and there would be a Martha that people would respect as a character. Think of how I developed her character in 'Death in the Cloisters' as someone prepared to challenge the Doctor - a stromng woman who took no prisoners.
Now, if the series had been more like his fan fiction, for a start it wouldn't make any sense, David Tennant would be sidelined for up to four stories at a time, there would be no monsters, just Adam Rickitt oh, and by the way, the test audience hated it.
And, Spartha Jones as she is referred to, is not popular. A character who hates the Doctor, gets drunk, doesn't want to travel in time, thinks everyone is immature and whose major character point is to complain about the quality of food in monasteries. Unless she was brutally murdered ala South Park's Kenny every five minutes, viewers would have switched off their televisions, kicked them in and thrown them in the canal.
This guy is demanded RTD's job when he can't even spell 'strong' for fuck's sake!
I must take issue with this. Adam Rickitt has had a very successful career -appearing in several leading soaps.
All of which he was sacked from, leading to his disastrous political career.
Another basic fact ignored by the Whore of Rickitt.
After failing with Martha the series needs to bring in an actor with an established career.
Notice he ignores the fact she has not strictly speaking failed. And the fact Rickitt's established career is one of cheap sensationalism followed by long periods of unemployment.
The only way to rescue this situation is to drop Martha swiftly and go forsomething completely distinct, as I've been saying for some time. They needa male companion. Its an ideal chance to give Adam Rickett a role in theseries.
A series he has revealed his distaste for on more than one occasion and, btw, he's in New Zealand now.
Had they made Martha into the kind of girl she was in myfan fiction she would not now be possibly getting axed.
Now, normally I would applaud this as Spara admitting he just does fan fiction. Not very good fan fiction. However, he also allows the rebuttal:
Had they made Martha into the kind of girl she was in my fan fiction she would now be possibly getting axed anyway.
Well I certainly HOPE that Martha has been axed. Good riddance. That saidits not really Freema's fault that the character is so lacklustre, anactress can only do so much with bad scripting.
This I think should be pointed out that not even Johnny Depp could work with Ben Chatham as Sparacus scripts him.
Now, the BBC have gone out and denied this all issue. More than denied. Saying "no, it's not true" is a denial. Saying "the story is absolute rubbish" is something else. But worst of all is the fact that countless Who "fans" (yeah, inverted commas, I'm that pissed off) WANTED it to be true. They still do.
So. In conclusion. These who fanatics really do bite the hands that feed them. They are all reprehensible scum and frankly, deserve their new messiah Sparacus. In fact, I hope they put him in charge, so the rest of us fans can get together, buy Michael Grade an air rifle and wipe out each and every last one of them.
Starting with YOU, Mark Goucher.