|DO NOT READ|
Without doubt one of the most pretentious, arrogant, ill-thought out and downright plagiaristic books that my frontal lobe considers affronted to have ever witnessed. I should sue the publishers for promising "crucial revelation" and "candid insight" when instead some cutup headlines from the average Decades book in bold font are the closest on offer. I mean, the author (the "best-selling" Dave Thompson who has autobiographized Kurt Cobain, John Travolta and David Bowie, apparently) has seen the original edition of Lance Parkin's History of the Universe and thought "wow! I could do that!" without realizing that the difference is Lance was spicing up an otherwise tedious chronology - it's more fun to have Jago's police statement about the events of Talons when someone's arguing about whether this is set in 1888 or 1890.
But this is just unfunny, condescending pap. I shall itemize it so no one ever needs to read it.
Introduction - apparently the Dalek Van Stattan captured had this book in its backpack (wtf?) but it was nicked and accidentally sold at a Time-Slip convention before the mighty Terry Nation deciphered it and learned it was actually written in Klingon. After five years, this book has been compiled for anyone who would want to read us but only total loser freaks would ever want it to make sense and anyone who thought Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower cause it was all a dream sucked because, um, fuck you, that's why.
A Note About Dating (Planet Earth Edition) - all dates were nicked from Lance Parkin anyway. And yes, they do this "Planet Earth" Hitchhiker's shit like it went out of fashion and died of shame.
A Note About Sources (Planet Earth Edition) - please don't sue the author. He has so little in his life.
Index of Publication - a list of fake newspapers vaguely Whoish - Bandril News, Daily Dulkis Herald, Gallifrey Mail, Zygon Times, Rupert Morlox's Space Dirt - Gossup from the Galaxies and sweet fuck he actually thinks any of this ANY OF IT is clever.
Preface - The One That Got Away - apparently the Rani (who's married to Davros) writes Who fanfic, and in this the Tenth Doctor finds a graveyard for all his companions. He meets Ray from Delta and the Bannermen who is apparently the only person in all history he didn't choose as a companion, so she's not dead. Or something. This is atrociously poorly written and means nothing to any casual reader.
The Early Years - the Doctor growing up on Gallifrey. Exclusives revealed
-the Doctor fell in love with Earth when an Academy school trip took him to Heathrow Airport
-a classmate called "Sassafras" hated him for being a boringteacher's pet
-because the Doctor had natural intelligence but poor grades, the Academy let him join after they mindwiped him first, so he doesn't remember his real name, family, et all and generally none of the explanations make sense.
- he became known as "the Doctor" because only Time Lords who pass their exams get titles, if he'd flunked he would have had a normal name like Runcible. I won't even ask how this explains Romana.
- Eric's Sawards Birth of a Renegade is canon.
- the Rani was the Doctor's lover he got her pregnant, but he couldn't be arsed to save her when she got exiled. Even the Master thought that was a dickish move.
- the Rani's baby was taken by social custody, but it eventually spawned Susan who psychically recognized her grandfather when he dropped by the school to give a lecture. He recognized her too.
- all the Doctor's namedropping came from adventures he had before leaving Gallifrey full time. After Morbius went crazy, the Time Lords closed the borders so he had to choose to go or stay.
- during these journeys, he travelled with John and Gillian who mistook him for their grandfather (a man the Doctor was friends with) but why the TARDIS was stuck in a police box shape - and it wasn't even his type 40 yet - is apparently down to him crossing timelines and "wibbly-wobbly stuff".
- bizarrely, all the Neville Main comics are canon but everything after it is not.
- the Doctor was arrested for these adventures but blamed it all on John's stupidity and the Time Lords let the Doctor off with a warning.
- Terrance Dicks' Warmonger is not canon.
- the CIA focussed their attention on the Doctor after he raised a stink about miniscopes (which apparently were built by Lurmans and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves)
- the TARDIS belonged to Marnal (the Master's dad)
- none of the untempered schism stuff apparently happened
- their first visit was to post-revolutionary France where the locals immediately recognized the Doctor and Susan as space-travellers from another dimension here to help the aristos. No, I don't buy it either.
"The First Doctor" - making you wish they'd wiped all the eps.
- the local Gallifreyan press complained when the Doctor visited the BBC
- Za was apparently conscious enough to badmouth the Doctor, despite his claims of being unconscious, actually every story seems to have people spilling their guts to the papers at having met the TARDIS crew even when huge parts of the plot revolve around them never meeting or knowing of their existence.
- The Masters of Luxor is canon, and occurs before the first Dalek story
- The Dalek Invasion of Earth occurs in 1964 and everyone remembers it in the UNIT era. Okayyyy. Oh wait, every story occurs in the year it was screened. Give me strength!
- there was apparently an extra companion in Galaxy 4 no one remembers
- Mavic Chen handled a very rubbish negotiations with the Daleks, simply because it let him mock the mid-90s Middle East peace treaty WHICH IS SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!
- the entry on The Massacre is literally taken from wikipedia.
- Steve Lyon's Salvation is partially canon, but set in a different year to the one in the book.
- eight pages are devoted to The Ark, because the Monoids are immigrant workers, innit?
- Scotland Yard were baffled by the death of a tramp who had been beaten by a crowd of spanner-wielding maniacs before his body was dumped on the doorstep of a warehouse full of spanner-wielding people who had no reason to be there. They really had nothing to do that day...
"The Second Doctor" - making you wish they'd wiped all the eps and salt the earth at the BBC.
- apparently everyone knew the things found on Vulcan were Daleks except the colonists themselves, which means no one bothered to say "You really ought to be careful of those things" and thus are directly responsible for the massacre that followed.
- Jamie went on a website saying he hated the Doctor
- though authorities realized Zaroff were in Atlantis, they refused to rescue him. Fair enough.
- Evil of the Daleks gets seven pages. No real reason, except saying "let's turn mankind evil" takes a really long time in Skaroine newspapers.
- None of the backstory given to Tomb of the Cybermen actually adds to it. Though apparently Professor Parry promised to eat a pick-axe if he found a live Cyberman. Wonder if he went through with it?
- Enemy of the World is covered by a paragraph on white wine. I genuinely have no idea why.
- The Great Intelligence had an interview in which he didn't explain a damn thing he did.
- Apparently in WW2, a mysterious Neanderthal-like creature escaped from the Fortress into the tunnels. No idea what this refers to. None whatsoever.
- Fury of the Deep is covered by comments on the sonic screwdriver. You would have no idea what happened in this story, or what happened to Victoria, or even where Ben and Polly had gone.
- The Mind Robber isn't canon. Niether is The Krotons. Nor are any MAs, PDAs or Telos Novellas after Ben and Polly leave.
- the Brigadier sweet-talks journalists in the pub and denies aliens exist. That'll help be taken seriously.
- The Gallifreyan press covered every single moment of the Doctor's trial, except for the bits with Jamie and Zoe.
- Season 6b consists entirely of the Doctor writing under the wallpaper for Sally Sparrow.
"The Third Doctor" - because it wasn't smug enough already.
- three pages of the wikipedia entry of the Third Doctor are reprinted verbatim
- that stuff with the Autons breaking out of shop windows and killing people? Never happened, it was all a hallucination from bad eggs and sour milk.
- apparently British journos were told by Carrington that Mars Probe 7 was under alien control, so it really is surprising everyone was taken aback six months later when this turned out to be the case.
- the Doctor hated Liz because she acted like a complete cow and told her to get lost.
- Dalek nicknames for the Brigadier include "Bridge Over the River Kwai". Um...?
- the TV show Timeslip is canon. This guy really likes that show.
- the Judoon knew the Master was on the loose but couldn't be arsed doing anything.
- Gerry Haylock's Gemini Plan is canon, but still no explanation for what was so bad about the titular strategem. So is Timebenders, The Celluloid Midas and Backtime. It's also set after Terror of the Autons, which makes a kind of sense. EXCEPT WHERE THE HELL IS JO?!?
- it seems The Mind of Evil, Claws of Axos and Colony in Space nor The Vogan Slaves are not, however, canon. Ouch.
- Um, apparently only 50% of Doctor Who post The Sea Devils is canon. So if you think The Mutants, The Time Monster, The Time Warrior, Death to the Daleks, The Monster of Peladon exist, you be wrong, bitch.
- There is an SS Bereneice and Thaals and apparenly The Goodies were blamed for Invasion of the Dinosaurs.
- River Song believes Jo Grant is the ultimate companion and all the rest plain suck.
- Gallifrey went into mourning when they heard the Master had died the same day as Roger Delgago
- We get five pages of Sontarans justifying their war with Tony Blair quotes. This is why "Sontar-Ha" is better, quicker and witty.
"The Fourth Doctor" - people used to like this bit.
- Somehow, Seven Keys to Doomsday is canon.
- For the record Robot, The Ark in Space, The Sontaran Experiment, The Brain of Morbius, The Seeds of Doom, The Masque of Mandragora, The Hand of Fear, The Robots of Death, Horror of Fang Rock, Image of the Fendahl, The Sunmakers, Underworld, The Pirate Planet, The Androids of Tara, The Power of Kroll, The Armaggedon Factor, City of Death, The Creature from the Pit, Nightmare of Eden, Horns of Nimon, Shada, The Liesure Hive, Meglos, State of Decay and Warriors' Gate never happened.
- Davros was interviewed by Mr. Blobby before his accident (Davros's, I mean). This is not nearly as interesting or funny as you'd think. It turns out his entire life was just like Rudolf Hess and Mr. Blobby thinks the Doctor's a wanker for not wiping out Daleks.
- Harry Sullivan is not canon, but the 1977 Dalek Annual is.
- Jago wrote a play called The Talons of Weng-Chiang but left it with Mr. Sin in a storeroom for some reason.
- K9 was the posterdog for RALF - the Robot Animal Liberation Front.
- Drift occurs before Leela joins. (WTF?) Oh, Leela joins and leave in The Invasion of Time.
- Romana regenerated in her second story.
- Davros also uses Tony Blair speeches to justify killing Thals. Yay.
- The Iron Legion, City of the Damned and Dragon's Claw are canon, the latter of which apparenly featured Romana and not Sharon.
- Adric is described as a "loathesome untrustworthy callow child with eyes too close together" who's "constant irritating presence was never going to satisfy the Doctor's need for both compliance and conversation" and Nyssa was way better. Tegan gets worse having said to have "a mental condtion" called "being Australian". This is apparently River Song talking.
- the control panel of the TARDIS is called a consul
"The Fifth Doctor" - or, where it all went wrong according by those we are not permitted to name
- These stories never happened: Four to Doomsday, The Visitation, Time-Flight, Snakedance, Terminus, Enlightenment, The King's Demons, Warriors of the Deep, The Awakening. I mean, how could anyone think any of them merited attention?
- Adric gets called "poor loathsome youth Sadric" and "I like Adric" are "three of the most despised words in all the universe". Tegan's last name is Jovanovich, "treacherous redhead" Turlough's first name is Vislon
- some bloke called Gaye Advert refused to watch Peter Davison because of hate at first sight. Bye!
- K9 and Company is a fifth Doctor story
- Black Orchid is a TV show based on the book and starring Peter Davison
- The Five Doctors gets six pages waffling about the Gallifrey scenes because obviously that's the most interesting part of the story. Obviously.
- The Supreme Dalek talks like Margaret Thatcher. HAR-HAR-HARRRRRRR!!!
- Erimem is a companion, but she has no stories and apparently joined and left before Peri did
- According to River Song, Peri was "the most unusual companion" who had "the loudest mouth, the harshest accent, the ghastliest wardrobe, the stubbornnes streak, inexplicbly attracted to the Doctor despite she was incapable of doing anything but companion" and "for Peri, the proverbial bottle was almost always half-empty and about to tip over and spill what was left onto the floor. Is it any wonder, locked into a box with this dreadful woman, the Doctor's next regeneration should transform him into possibly the only creature in the universe that could successfully deal with such a woman - a man who not only shared her failings but amplified them even further? Like Peri, the Sixth Doctor had few friends and many enemies. They deserved one another." Oooh, you kiss your mum with that mouth?
"The Sixth Doctor" - even Colin Baker's latest DWM interview doesn't deserve this.
- Not canon: The Twin Dilemma, Attack of the Cybermen. Well, we already rewrote them didn't we Jared? Jared?
- John Ringway's The Shape Shifter is canon, as is Frobisher, Davros, The Ratings War, Jubilee, and Thicker Than Water.
- Borusa did not perish in The Five Doctors.
- The Sixth Doctor is "rude, temperamental, boorish, stupid and selfish" and chose to sulk for 18 months rather than deal with chairman "Michaelgrade", oh god my sides have split
- Somehow the Sixth Doctor's DWM comic strips occured while he was on trial. Maybe he got nights off to be with Peri and Frobisher - HEY, HANG ON A MINUTE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
- And River Song on Mel (or "Bush" as she insisted on calling her): "Little is known about Bush. What we do know, however, is extraordinarily unlikeable. A constantly questioning irritant whos insatiable bubbling optimism sucked the will to live from any creature that came into contact with her with her high-pitched shriek. Kissing Bush is like smooching Margaret Thatcher. If the ice caps melt, this most shocking example of womanhood could replace them easily."
- The Doctor only let Evelyn travel with him out of pity for the raddled-old hasbeen.
"The Seventh Doctor" - for some reason.
- Time and the Rani (surprisingly, given the Rani-worship of the author), The Happiness Patrol, The Greatest Show in the Galaxy, Battlefield, Ghost Light, The Curse of Fenric, Survival. In short, only five McCoy stories happened.
- The Seventh Doctor is better than the Sixth who was "an eccentrically costumed, bad-tempered blustering moron" because, um, the Seventh must be different. He wears "a bowler hat".
- Five pages for Paradise Towers.
- Apparently it's front page news that Ray wasn't a companion - and that the Seventh Doctor must be deranged and blind to stay with Bush - but again I have to boggle at the strange obsession the author has with Sara Griffiths. Wil Chandler never got this fetish...
- "Abominable" Bush married Glitz. Glitz hated her and everyone thinks Glitz doesn't deserve this horrible, horrible fate. Apparently Ace was a girlfriend swap with Glitz and Ace was a better character than the Sixth Doctor and River Song totally is in awe of her.
- Hex apparently travelled solo with the Doctor and Ace joined the Time Lord Academy.
- Apparently the only Doctor Who story between 1989 and 1996 involved a portable toilet that disappeared. No one cares about DW post-Survival.
- The TV Movie is not canon, no matter what anyone says. Indeed, the Eighth Doctor is not canon.
"The Eighth Doctor" - ah, those quotation marks make sense.
- Brought to you by Gabriel Chase incorporated, the Eighth Doctor isn't canon. Thus, he gets one page.
- The only story of the Eighth Doctor is Dust Breeding which we might recall is a 7/Ace story.
- There's aslo an essay insisting the Time War is a rubbish idea and also not canon.
"The Ninth Doctor" - I don't think he's really interested in this any more.
- Not-Canon: The Long Game, Father's Day. And of course, every mention of the Time War.
- Rose Tyler was 23 and not 19 as everyone claimed. And Ray was better than her, anyday.
- Really, how can we believe that top-secret developments are splashed over the local papers? Tosh's promotion (rather stupidly missing the whole 'locked in a UNIT prison for three years' bit) to Torchwood on a memo? The SLC Inquirer detailing the massacre in Van Statten's vault?
- Nancy apparently waited 64 years to turn her story into a novel.
- 4 pages of Margaret Blaine's interview which notes every time she farted, the volumes thereof. Seriously.
- despite wanting the Slitheen on war crimes, the Raxicoricofallapatorians refuse to actually do anything about them because humans are stupid
"The Tenth Doctor" - and then he just gives up, thank Christ.
- Not canon: New Earth, Tooth & Claw, most of Love & Monsters, everything from The Next Doctor onwards.
- Abduction of the Daleks is not only canon, it's the first story of David Tennant.
- Mickey is called "Sticky"/"Jockeyby a friend, Ross T Davies.
- The Sycorax were really nice and weren't invading at all.
- there's a two page rant on why people forget alien invasions
- Oh, hilarity, the Cybermen sue "John Lumis" for nicking their franchise! What wit!
- Magpie Electrics shuts down in 2006, owned by Lyn Gati(t)ss - "wife of Mr. Magpie".
- Elton Pope (a teenager, apparently) was arrested for the murder of Victor Kennedy whose decomposing corpse was found....
Actually, you know, fuck this.
If you ever see a copy of this book. Burn it.